Notes 1
Bullying Summit April 2011 NOTES
Appreciations
 I’m not alone in this effort.
 Gained sense of magnitude of the problem
 Want the stats
 Work students did
 VCRA here for everyone
 Thanks for everyone who came, gives hope
 For inviting us-class source
Barriers and Fears
 High stake test scores
 Competition-one up culture
 Afraid it will get worse
 “Intrusion” on classroom instruction- pressure on teachers push back
 Do nothing-what will our future be?
 Drop-out rates increase at lower grade levels-trickledown effect, hierarchy of protocoleducation loses-disempowers teachers
 Attacks on teachers-demonized victims not given useful methods
 Fear for own children
Ideas for the Future
 Call Julia to get students involved ASAP- info to parents
 Figure out which program works
 Don’t let best be enemy of the good-get started somewhere
 Interrupt bullying in our own homes- communities adopt a bully?
 Keep conversation going
 How do we sustain positivity?
 Email list- area focus
 Quantify $ if failing to change look at how we do metrics-share this info
 Education costs less than incarceration
 Each faith community find voice for supporting these values
 Culture where golden rule is cool
 Value education for all it teaches not just about money
 Increased conversation (like today)
 Support systems for kids at school
 Effective partnerships between community faith and schools
 In every school: peace, justice, loving
 Sustainable- $$
 Teach kids conflict resolution in curriculum
 Start training at birth with parents
Notes 2
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School is where kids want to go
Partnerships
 Peace Builders (Julie Morris)
 Museum of Tolerance (Rabbi Lotker)
 Power to define self (Ferial Masry)
 Lesson One (Sharon Colleti- pledge for success-stories for success-elementary)
 Connect for Respect (Kim Dawson-PTA)
 Bullies2buddies.com
 Safe School Ambassadors (Randy McLeland-Oak Park)
 Peer Program- outside/in program-not classroom intrusive
 Let’s Get Real (Dana Lomax- how to be an ally in kids terms)
 Operationrespect.org
ROLES WE PLAY
PERPETRATOR
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Others are watching-I want to be seen as powerful (funny, manly, cool, etc). I am angry
at ___, he/she deserved it.
It is such a release to vent my anger on something, but it doesn’t last long. It’s better to
be a bully than a victim. There is a thrill in having people fear me-is that what respect
feels like? This bully role takes a lot of energy to keep up.
If I make you this target, I’ll feel stronger and more powerful. Ill gain popularity in the
group. I’ll not feel so alone for the pain inflicted on me. I’ll be noticed. I’ll be feared (Like
I fear someone else).
Angry, wanting to feel strong and in control
You are embarrassing me, I feel threatened by your flirting. My friends are going to
laugh at me if I don’t put you down.
Shame
If I make the first move to pick on someone, no one will know how much I hurt inside.
They feel that people are blowing things out of proportion-“I was just kidding!” They
frequently feel victimized themselves-pointing the finger back at their target.
I want to appear strong. I want others to respect me. I want others to laugh. I need to
show my superiority. I am afraid of appearing weak. This action is justified by my
parents’ thinking, by my religion, by my teachers’ thinking.
Satisfaction, power, maybe I don’t even get it.
Superiority, domination, control, selfishness
You deserve it.
I hope this kid knows I really don’t want to keep doing this. When will I be able to stop
doing this?
Angry
Notes 3
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Has their own low self-esteem and the only way they feel better is to bully-feel superior.
It’s how they were taught at home to deal socially by being superior. Lack of knowledge
of others- you’re different.
Dominant, in control, feared
I need to show: I’m cool, I’m okay, I’m a leader, I’m better than others.
He is insecure and an easy target. He is different. By harming him, people will know I am
not like “that.”
I am powerful. I want you to feel the hurt I feel. I feel
threatened/uncomfortable/uncertain and act out to avoid these feelings.
I’m better than you. People think I’m awesome for having the power over others.
You’re different. I don’t think I like you. You make me uncomfortable.
Anger and intolerance, pressure from previous incident to continue/escalate actions.
Also, pressure not to back down. This would show weakness. Individual damages
themselves by their own internal denial of human sensitivity.
Insecurity, need to get even (control), exhilaration, sense of righteousness, power rush,
sense of gaining allies and popularity
Everyone is watching…I can’t stop now.
Needs support-skills to move out of that role, possibly not aware of damage being done
Low self-esteem, why have such hate in heart? What’s really going on in these
kids/people? Why need to show dominance? Is there a need to fill in? I want to be
“cool” too.
Not thinking at all, venting internal rage, getting an aggression “fix”
Angry
For most cases, probably feel bullied somewhere else; could be their personal
insecurities to make them lash out and bully.
Feels empowered, angry, and aggressive; boosted self esteem; may feel popular at the
time.
Empowered
TARGET
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Fear
What do others think about me as they see this?
I am not worth being treated well?
How can I stop this?
Why is this happening?
If I tell it, will it make it worse?; The last time I did ABC, XYZ happened.
I’m alone.; Why am I different?; Life is difficult.
Hurt
Here “they” come…oh crap this is going to hurt!; Why are they targeting me?; What is
wrong with me?
Oh no! Again?! Who will help stand up for me?; Why does God let this happen to me?;
Why did God make me this way?
Notes 4
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Fear and confusion
Resentment towards perpetrator and ALL those refuse to offer any assistance via
intervention or other types of protection
Anger directed toward self and others; Self loathing; Confusion
Hurt and confused as to why it has to happen to ME
Not again…I’m so tired…why doesn’t anyone help me? What’s wrong with me? WHY
ME?
Students become withdrawn and depressed; serious drop in grades; attendance
becomes very inconsistent, “I hate school;” students want to change schools
Just get me through another: class, day at school, day on the job
“I didn’t mean to embarrass you.”
I want to be your friend.
Feels embarrassed, no confidence, feels shameful, feels excluded, feels loneliness that
no one will stand up for him/her
Alone
Vulnerability, helplessness, isolation, rejection, loneliness
Can anyone help me? Is this all there is? What did I do?
If I try to stand up for myself that will make it worse.
Hopeless
WTF? It has always been this way. I’m bullied out of tradition. I can’t help my ___. (race,
poverty, sexual orientation)
Alone, helpless, worthless
Why me? I wish I was “normal.”
How can I make myself stronger? How do I deal with these people? Is running away
really the solution? Should I try to make new friends who understand me? How can I
grow from this?
Fear, self-hatred, pain, helplessness, narrowing of the world to a single focus of
fear/pain/loneliness
Scared, inferior, why are you picking on me? How do I make you go away? Ashamed of
who they are.
Sad, angry, afraid, guilty, holier-than-thou, I deserve this. Please help me.
Alone, depressed, sad, helpless
Helpless, depressed
Something is wrong with me. I shouldn’t be here. I am worthless. Everyone hates me.
How can I stop this from happening? I want this to end. I want to go home. Why doesn’t
anyone help me? No one understands me.
I am so hurt and humiliated. I want revenge. I need help but am too ashamed to talk
about this. I don’t want my parents to worry about me. I wish I could go to sleep and
wake up in 10 years.
Who can help me? I feel angry.
I feel ashamed. I’m hurt, sad. I feel alone.
Notes 5
BYSTANDER
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Confused
This is fun! I’m glad it’s not me! If I say something: will they pick on me? Will I look like I’,
gay/nerd/outsider? Should I say or do something?
Scarred
Interest, curiosity, belonging
Why do I let this happen? How can I stop it? Will they bully me next? I want to help
really I do! Well she deserved it, she’s a slut! Can I really make a difference?
God, that sucks, but I’m glad it’s not me.
This is normal. I don’t care. At least it’s not me.
I’m glad this isn’t me.
This will be fun, I think? Why am I watching this? Couldn’t do something or will I be the
target for doing it?
There’s nothing I can do.
Helpless to step in or stop bullying; frightened of others responses or retaliation.
Should I step in and help? Will I get bullied if I help?
It’s probably not a big deal. There is nothing I can do. Should I help?
Happy I’m not the target; keep out of the way to avoid notice; revulsion (if I have a
brain)
I am sorry that this victim is being bullied but do not feel that I can do enough on my
own to stop the bullying. Therefore, I will not get involved and will instead do nothing.
Not sure of role, doesn’t have skill set, not aware
What did this person do to get beaten up or picked on?
I feel: upset, disturbed, afraid, helpless, powerless, don’t know how to help, anxious.
Someone else will step in, I will get hurt.
Sense of discomfort, disassociation, insecurity, apathy, sense of powerlessness
Not my problem. The teacher/adult will handle this. What should I do? This is fun.
I wish I could help but I can’t get involved. What can I do? I’m only one person. Feels if
they get involved they will then get bullied. Somebody else will help; I don’t want to be
involved.
That’s funny. I don’t want to experience that. I fear the bully. That’s sad. I wish someone
would stop that. I will stop that.
I want to help here- I hope I do the right thing. I don’t want to be the target either.
Feel as if they should stand up or speak up and do something, but fear they will get
bullied too.
Pressured, wanting to feel accepted
What will happen if I step in? Maybe someone else will help. This is just how it is. This is
fun to watch. That kid deserved it. If he/she wasn’t so weird.
Helplessness, fear, social standing
Often very titillated or excited to see the drama (like watching a live reality show). Don’t
want to risk the watch of the perpetrators so they remain silent. Often think the target
had it coming.
Notes 6
ALLY
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I feel incensed. I feel some fear. I feel empowered. I feel strong and energized. I feel
justified and maybe self righteous.
It could be me; wrong is wrong; silence is endorsement.
I would want someone to help me too.
That’s my friend; shame of not helping enough; fear I’ll be next target.
Supportive
For friend of bully: I’d want help for person bullied.
How can I help this person?
Helper, supporter, friend, protector
How can I help? This cannot be tolerated. How I can empower this person to rise above
this?
She’s my friend, I have to help her. He is a sweet boy, stop making fun of him. Leave
her/him alone! Its okay, you can hang out with me. I like your shoes they are cute. Don’t
worry, they won’t hurt you anymore.
I’m going to be the rock in the victim’s life.
This is just what it feels like when they do this to me! We’re both the same but to
“them” we’re different.
Brave
Did I intervene in time? Now that I am identified as an ally, I am going to deal with
problems of bullied person.
This is not okay and I am going to make it stop!
This isn’t right!
I will defend the target. I am afraid to step in. We need to get help.
That was me.
I have to help this person or I will become a victim too.
Need to be taught how to support the victim
Has thought through the issues; is prepared for situation; remains calm; may be
nervous, but has clear sense of appropriate action
Feeling brave, encouraged to help others and empathetic
Supportive
I want to help but I can’t.
When successful in standing up for the target they can feel much empowered. When
they are an ally of the perpetrator, they will feel the target had it coming. If the ally does
not act they may feel remorseful if they did not stand up for the target.
I’m scared too, but this needs to stop. Someone needs to do something!
Can I help him/her or will I make it worse for both of us? Am I next? Is this always this
way?
Anger, sadness, fear, helplessness, shame
I should stick up for my friends, but how?
Notes 7
RESPONDER
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I need back up.
That could be me.
Wanting to feel like they are making a difference without getting involved
These bullying issues are always so complex-where do I start? Who can help me with the
facts? How do I empower the victim without it leading to escalation? What is a firm but
also compassionate response to the perpetrator? Where is there support for the victim
and where is help for the bully?
Identification with the victim, sense of responsibility, fear, desire to help, social
conscience
This is not ok! Where can I help this person find a safe haven?
A need to help
How do I stop this without losing my cool?
What if it were me? If I don’t do something who will? Am I guilty? Responding-standing
up to a bully- is the only way to end it.
Who is damaged more, the bully or target? Where should my attention be directed once
de-escalation has occurred? If something negative happens did I make the right call?
How do I live with myself if results of my intervention lead to further negative actions
including suicide or retaliatory actions?
Fed up!
Why is this happening and how can I help the perpetrator?
This must be stopped. I will do it. I don’t know who started it. Do I want to make a big
deal about it? How much paperwork will this make? It is that kid again-how can we stop
this? What am I allowed to do? Will I get sued?
Stop behavior, pretend is not there
Determining who is guilty can frequently be hard to determine. If you over or under
respond you are at risk of being accused of not handling the situation correctly.
Potentially run the risk of lawsuits/reprimand for your response to a situation.
Yes I can help si se puede. Of course I can’t let this happen! I will not just stay here,
watch and do nothing. Everyone can make a difference in bullying and should try.
Is what I do going to be effective? Am I going to get targeted for doing this?
I am going to stop this abuse. He is not going to abuse you anymore. We are going to go
to mediation.
Feel good they did something, may feel very accomplished
Feels in conflict, perhaps confusion of what approach is best to take-where or not to
take action.
I don’t like it so I’ll try to get someone to stop it. I don’t want to be noticed. I’d hate to
be the target.
I can find someone to solve this.
Just stop being so sensitive. Get back to class, I don’t need this hassle.
No matter what I do, some group is not going to be happy and I’ll have to deal with
them.
Notes 8
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Who am I willing to offend and who am I not willing to offend? Will religious leaders in
my community make me pay for standing up for my LGBT student’s rights? Why are
schools given all responsibility for solving this problem?
What am I going to tell their parents? Who do I punish? What do my superiors want me
to do?
I am going to make a difference.
I don’t want this to become a headline in the newspaper.
Authority, morality (right/wrong), resolution
I have a responsibility to intervene. I am afraid of that person’s parents or other allies.
The target deserves that treatment. There’s nothing I can do. If I intervene, I will put my
job at risk.
Take action to make a change.