The Child and the ‘N’ – word
It was about school over, so I decided to go and inspect the on-going project of the school.
Approaching the kiosk, I saw two ladies engrossed in what seems to be an interesting
conversation. We exchange pleasantries and I moved on to a distance not too far from the ladies.
While I watched the artisans do their work, I saw a four year old girl I will refer to in this write
up as Comfort run towards one of the ladies which I later found out was her mother. Comfort
asked her mother to buy her a bottle of fanta but mom carefully objected saying she did not have
any money on her but promised to give her when they got home. Comfort will not take no for an
answer. She immediately registered her protest by falling on the ground and deliberately creating
a drama scene. She made an issue out of it so much so that mom was uncomfortable,
embarrassed and confused. Mom had to quickly get a bottle of fanta on credit to appease the
‘god’ I call comfort.
Now, comfort has a bottle of fanta, she took a sip and everyone was happy but not comfort
because she must have biscuits to go with the fanta. Mom said ‘finish your fanta and let us go as
I already prepared lunch for you at home’. The fanta was apparently not as fantastic as we all
expected because while mom was still pleading, comfort fell on the sandy ground, empting the
content of her easy earned bottle of fanta on her school uniform. Mom became dis-oriented and
started seeking for help from those who stood by watching as the drama continued. She rushed
into the kiosk to get her biscuits, sweets, chewing gum, singing praises with all kinds of pet /
nick names while she handed all to her.
With dis-belief, I watched a little girl wrap her mother round her tiny fingers. I saw how she
skillfully manipulated and controlled her mom to submission. Imagine what goes on at home if it
is this level in public. Who is in charge, the mother or the innocent child? Dr Robert Shaw, an
American child psychologist refer to this sloppy parenting style as ‘lax parenting’ and a ‘human
time bomb’ that will produce children who are too spoilt and so selfish to put anyone’s need
before their own’. It is sad to note that our society has spawned an entire generation of
unattached, predatory, cognitively smart, but emotionally stunted children like comfort, who
have no capacity to appreciate the feelings and legitimate needs of anybody but theirs. Such kids
pretend to be unhappy and thus detached, a device they invent and use to push parents to any
corner they want them to be. They continue with this pretentious, unhappy attitude into
adulthood and then, they find themselves a gun. Our wake up call should be the on-going youth
restiveness in our communities.
The God given functional role of parent is fast eroding due to the economic situation in our
society. There is an enormous financial demand on the family; compelling parents to leave their
children alone at home to themselves while they are out trying to make ‘ends –meet’. Yes! We
make the money; we feed, clothe, pay school fees, and provide all necessary needs of our
children and call it care. We are to busy working hard to ensure that we provide all necessity and
so unintentionally deprive them of time, love and attention. This leaves us with so much guilt
that we use video games, television and internet to compensate for our absence. We are so afraid
to say NO to their tantrums instead we bribe them with gifts and money. We spoil them rotten
and they turn around to twist us round their fingers, forcing us to endure habitual threats that
consistently subject us to bouts of what I call “govmend” negotiations.
I am not advocating too much discipline as it is as fraught as too much freedom but, it is
important to note that every unchecked error will definitely multiply and, that if we continue to
give our children free tickets to brat camp, we will suffer the consequence of their tantrums
later. Why don’t we seek the assistance of the proverbial ‘spare the rod and spoil the child’? Or
better still, reflect on ‘he who spares his rod hates his [child] but he who loves him disciplines
him promptly’ (Prov. 13:24). How did we neglect the good old advice of ‘train up a child in the
way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it’ (Prov. 22: 6). The ideational
meaning of the word ‘train’ in this context is a connected series of activity or instruction
designed to produce an expected behavioural pattern. The school alone cannot achieve this.
Parents are expected to create the future of their children while the school improves on that
foundation. We must learn to say NO to tantrums and maintain that position with explanation
and much love that extracts understanding.
Parenting as instituted by God is a ‘responsibility’ that is loaded with ‘blessing’ and
‘accountability’. Not every one is blessed to have such opportunity. If you are so blessed to be
one, conduct this responsibility towards achieving its purpose and enjoy the blessings that follow
or do the contrary and endure the pain. But, when the pain comes don’t blame the child or
anyone.
Roselyn Ngelale
When you despise the pain of discipline, you embrace the pain of eternal regret.