A-HEM!
Dearly
Be-puzzled,
we are gathered
here today
to join this
plumber
and this princess
in holy mushroom-ony.
If any here has
reason
why these two should
not
be so joined,
speak now
or forever hold
your peace.
Before we proceed,
I would like to say
a few words...
Those of you gathered here have known Peach and Mario for many years and you know
that they are a couple whose love cannot be stopped by time, distance or giant
psychopathic dragons and armies of brainwashed mushrooms. One piranha plant after
another has tried to come between them, countless Boombas have self-detonated near
them, and those weird bouncy Koopas with the wings have bounded over their heads.
Yea, their journey to this point has crossed mountains, valleys, and treetop
kingdoms - they have been shrunk when they ran into various things, enlarged when
they ran into other things, and occasionally fallen off cliffs while making an “Oh
NO!” face. Nonetheless, their love endures and we all know they would do anything
for one another. Even wear that strange raccoon suit. Seriously, all God’s creatures
are great and wonderful, but I’ve never seen a raccoon-bear that could turn into a
stone statue for a few seconds, during which it remained invulnerable. And how can
you fly if you can also turn into stone? It just doesn’t make sense. I think that...
Do you, Peach,
take Mario
to be your lawful wedded
plumber...
BWA-HA-HA!
Mario:
Mamma Mia!
Bowser:
I’m sorry, Mario,
but your wedding is
in another chapel!
Toad:
Remain calm!
Every wedding has
something go awry!
All employees of
Metaphysical Fungus
Event Planners
(specializing in royal
weddings and
interspecies hostage
negotiation)
are trained in
exemplary catering,
tasteful design,
AND
sensitive
negotiations with
giant psychopathic
dragons.
But we need your
help!
The path through the
mushroom kingdom is
full of puzzles.
Our spies tell us
that Mario will need
certain items
to break into the
location where Peach is
being held.
The puzzles are the key
to finding those items.
Mario is great at
jumping on mutant
mushrooms
but lousy at
solving puzzles.
He needs you to
solve the puzzles
and help find
Peach!
Please send one
representative from your
team to me for more
information.