How to Change Your Life for the Better by Accepting Personal Responsibility
“Experience is not what happens to you, but what you do with what happens to you.”
Personal responsibility means responding wisely to life’s opportunities and challenges, rather
than waiting passively for luck or other people to make CHOICES for us. Accepting personal
responsibility is sometimes difficult to do, but without it, success is almost impossible. Failure to
accept responsibility for things in your life that make you unhappy leads you to make endless
excuses with no progress towards your goals (Tracy, 2010, p. 50). Often these excuses involve
placing the blame onto other people or situations when in reality YOU are in charge. You are
100% responsible for how you choose to respond to the events in your life. If you respond as
if you are responsible for the results in your life, then you will often discover choices that you
would not have discovered otherwise. For instance, if you take responsibility for a failed test,
you may realize that you did not do everything possible to ensure that you received a passing
grade. Perhaps you did not speak with the teacher when you didn’t understand the material or
seek help in the learning center. Perhaps you did not spend very many hours studying, instead
deciding to go out with friends and have fun. As you begin to think about the failed test and
evaluate your responsibility for it, the wiser choices that you could make to prepare for the next
test become obvious. You are then more likely to choose one of those options since you took
some personal responsibility than if you made excuses for the failing grade or blamed it on
someone or something else.
One of the best ways to begin to take control of your own life is to eliminate as many
negative emotions as possible. Negative emotions depend on your ability to blame someone or
something else for something in your life that you are not happy about rather than changing how
you react to the situation or person. It takes a great deal of self-discipline to refrain from blaming
others for your problems and take personal responsibility for your responses to the problems in
your life. It requires you to take conscious control of your thoughts and choose to make them
positive and constructive regardless of the situation you find yourself in. When you are able to
accomplish this, however, the quality of your life and your relationships will improve drastically
(Tracy, 2010, p.56). For instance, if you feel angry every time you leave algebra class because
you don’t understand the course material, that anger is typically directed at someone, usually the
instructor. If you choose to take personal responsibility for your lack of understanding of the
material, you will feel less anger because your responsibility will lead you to perform a
constructive behavior in order to comprehend the material. You may decide to approach the
teacher to get help with the subject and find that he or she is actually a very nice person who
cares about students and their success. The instructor is then an ally instead of someone you’re
angry at and view more as an enemy. This instructor/student relationship will be beneficial to
you in your time at college, as well as in the course, and you will find that you are more focused
on your goal of achieving a good grade in the course. Anytime you take personal responsibility
in a situation, it improves your ability to achieve your goals.
“You become what you think about.”
Begin this process with the “Law of Substitution” which says “you can substitute a
positive thought for a negative one” (Tracy, 2010, p.58). For instance, if you think “I’m a
failure,” you can counter that negative thought with a positive thought: “I’m not a failure because
I keep trying.” When you do this, the negative thought is cancelled out for that moment. You can
repeat this exercise every time a negative thought occurs.
The most important ingredient involved in becoming someone who has the self-discipline
necessary to take personal responsibility is action. When you take action to control how you
think about and respond to situations and people in your life, you will be much more effective in
creating the life you want. Tracy (2010) offers some action exercises to help you get started.
•
Look into your past and select a person or incident that still makes you unhappy
today. Instead of justifying your negative feelings, look for reasons why you were
partially responsible for what happened.
•
Select one person in your past with whom you are still angry and resolve to
forgive that person completely for what happened. This act will liberate you
emotionally.
•
Accept complete responsibility for your family situation, with each person in your
family, and then take immediate action to improve your relationships wherever
there may be problems. (p. 62)
Using Tracy’s action exercises, if you have a person in your life that you have a problem
with, you should discuss it so that you can each see the other’s perspective. For instance, maybe
you feel that your spouse continually puts the responsibility for all household chores on you and
doesn’t respect your need for time to do your homework. You have never told your spouse how
this makes you feel so that he or she can understand your perspective. If you sat down with your
spouse to discuss the problem, it’s possible he or she would realize that you need help with the
chores in order to be able to do all of your homework on time and to the best of your ability. This
discussion may also help your spouse realize how important your education is to you. Many
times the people in our lives don’t know the actual importance of things to us or how we feel
unless we tell them specifically. Expecting someone to read your mind is never a good idea!
It will be helpful to make a list of each immediate family member and what aspect of
your relationship with that person you would like to improve. Then, think about and write down
how you can take action towards accepting personal responsibility for the quality of your
relationship with that person. You might take action by apologizing for something you did that
hurt the person’s feelings or you might decide to share some of your thoughts and feelings that
you have not previously shared with the person. Next, you might want to sit down and discuss
what you have discovered with the person. Using Tracy’s action exercises, you might work on
forgiving someone who has hurt your feelings. When you harbor resentment and anger towards
another person, it only hurts you, not them. The best thing to do for your emotional well-being is
to let go of any negative feelings you have towards the person that has hurt you and move on.
It’s also very important to take control of your education and refuse to blame any of your
educational struggles on anyone else. Decide what steps you are going to take to improve your
educational situation. For instance, if you are not currently passing a class you’re taking, you
could meet with the professor to discuss the difficulties you’re having in the class. After the
meeting, you would then need to apply the suggestions given to you by the professor in order to
succeed in the class.
Taking responsibility for yourself and your life is not something you will regret. This
decision can be a key element in reaching your goals and helping you live the life you want to
live.
Tracy, B. (2010). No Excuses! The Power of Self-Discipline. New York, NY: Vanguard Press.
Author: Shirley “Mandy” Sexton, Ph.D.