Ted Bowman
Trainer • Author • Educator
Shattered Dreams
and Other Metaphors
of Grief and Bereavement
International Death, Grief and Bereavement Conference 2016
Do not copy poems without permission; for
educational use in this session
2111 Knapp Street • St. Paul, MN 55108-1814
Phone: 651.645.6058 Email: tedbowman71@gmail.com
www.bowmanted.com
note new email address for Ted
1
Words
Wordshavepower.AnnSextonwrote:
Becarefulofwords,
eventhemiraculousones.
…theycanbebothdaisiesandbruises.
.
Wordsandeggsmustbehandledwithcare.
Oncebrokentheyareimpossible
thingstorepair(Sexton1975,p.71).
IrisMurdoch,inadifferentform,asserted:
Wordsconstitutetheultimatetextureandstuffofourmoralbeing,sincetheyarethe
mostrefinedanddelicateanddetailed,aswellasthemostuniversallyusedand
understood,ofthesymbolismswherebyweexpressourselvesintoexistence.We
becamespiritualanimalswhenwebecameverbalanimals.Thefundamental
distinctionscanonlybemadeinwords.Wordsarespirit(Murdoch1972).
Isthereaworldbeyondwords?poetWendellBerryasked.Towhichheresponded:
Thereis.Laterinapoemaboutwords,Berrycontendedthatoutofthesilence:
wemustcallallthingsbyname
outofthesilenceagaintobewithus,
ordieofnamelessness(Berry2005,p.20).
2
PlayThemAgain
Once,afterthecomposerRobertSchumannhadplayedaparticularlydifficultetude,
hewasaskedbyamemberofhisaudiencetoexplainit.Inreply,Schumannsat
downandplayeditagain.Wecoulddoworsethantofollowhisexamplewhen
someoneasksforanexplanationofthepoemorstorytoldorread.Ourjobisnot
alwaystoexplainourwords.Sometimesitisenoughtoplaythemagainsothatthey
areheardinalltheirtooth-rattlingdissonance.Thediscord–likethesilence–is
theirproblem,notours.Whenwetrytosolveitorclarifyit“toomuch”;ourwords
maylosetheirpower.
Ontheotherhand,tofollowthemetaphorofanotheristotreattheirchoiceof
wordsaspreciousandnothingissogreatacomplimentaswhensomeonetreats
one’swordsassoimportanttheywanttohearmore.Findingthebalancebetween
confusionandsaytoomuchisnoteasy.
AdaptedandexpandedbyTedBowmanonapartofWhenGodissilent(1998)by
BarbaraBrownTaylor.Cambridge:CowleyPublications,p.116.
3
ChallengeOfTransition
Therelationbetweenchangeandtransitionis…complicatedbythefactthat
somepeopleactuallyutilizeexternalchangestodistractthemfromtheharder
businessoflettinggooftheirsubjectiverealitiesandidentities.Theymake
changessotheywon'thavetomaketransitions.Theywalkoutontheirmarriages,
buttakealongtheattitudestowardpartnersthatdestroyedtheirmarriages.Or
theycontinuetosearchfor"someonetotakecareofme"aftertheyquittheirjobs
becausetheirbossesarenotinterestedinplayingthatrole.Ortheymovebecause
theirtowndoesn'thaveany"interestingpeople"initonlytofindthattheirnew
towndoesn'teither.Suchpeoplemayclaimthattheyare"alwaysintransition,"
butinfacttheyareprobablyneverintransition.Theyareaddictedtochange,and
likeanyaddiction,itisanescapefromtherealissuesraisedbytheirlives.
Tolstoy calls what people refuse to let go of their "truths" and their
"conclusions:' He might also have called them "outlooks" or "assumptions" or
"realities:"Thosearethethingsthatmakepeoplefeelathomeintheworldbecause
"theyhave[been]woven,threadbythread,intothefabricoftheirlives."People
feelthatwalkingawayfromthemiswalkingawayfromlifeitself.Withoutthem,
theworldwouldbestrangeandfrightening.Nowonderweholdontothem.
But until we let go of them, we are held in an enchantment. Like Sleeping
Beauty, we are unaware of what is really going on around us. At first that
unawarenessmayprotectus,butonedayitbeginstocloseusdown,toputusinto
asleep,towallusofffromlife.Ifwearelucky,atransitioncomesalongtowakeus
up.Ifweareunlucky,wesleepthroughtherestofourlives.
from: The Way of Transition (2001) by William Bridges Cambridge: Perseus
Publishing,pp.17-18.
4
MetaphorsOfLoss/Grieving
…griefneverleavesonlychanges,it
lessonsinimpermanence…
waitsoutsidedoorskeepaplace GregWatson
atthetable
SusanWilliams
Onemorning,cereal.Thenextday,cancer.
affectionatewitness
RichardSolly ThomasR.Smith
…disaster
sucksalltheairfromtheroom,
swingsshutdoorsinourbrains’corridors
HeidErdrich
AllIhaveisabrokenvoice,
aheartimmensewithsorrow
WangPing
First,astunningnumbness
Liketouchingalivewire…
Thesmellofthesnakejustbeforetherattle…
ThomasMcGrath
Aftershehadcried
atubfuloftears
shelayinitforthreedays
FlorenceChardDacey
Thedeadgetbywitheverything
BillHolm
Grief
Thewayitcomesfromnowhere,
lappingattheendofthehalf-healingheart
likeadoghopingtobeloved
EthnaMcKiernan
Trouble,fly Allfrom
outofourhouse.
TheWindBlows,TheIceBreaks
Weleftthewindow EditedbyBowmanandJohnson
openforyou.
SusanMarieSwanson
Writeusingmetaphorstodescribeuncertainly,grief,disruptivechanges.
5
ShatteredDreams
LosinganEmotionally
ImportantImage
ofOneself,One'sFamily,
One'sBody,One’sLife,
EvenOne’sDeath
LosingThePossibilities
of
"WhatMightHaveBeen"
AbandonmentofPlansFor
AParticularFuture
TheDyingofADream
FromLossofDreams:ASpecialKindofGrief
ByTedBowman
6
7
RichardKopp,inMetaphortherapy(1995),emphasizesstepsfor
clinicianstouseinfollowingmetaphors.Hereareadaptationsofhis
scheme:
1)Noticemetaphors
2)Invitetheclienttoexplorethemetaphoricimage:“Whenyousay
______whatimage/picturecomestomind?”
3)Iftheclientdoesn’tunderstandormovesawayfromtheimage,say
somethinglike:“IfIwereseeingitthewayyouseeit,what
wouldIsee?”
4)Practicecuriosity–gofurther;invitesensoryconversations:“What
elsedoyousee?Whatelseisgoingon?”
5)Describefeelingsassociatedwiththemetaphor
6)Invitetransformationoftheclient’smetaphoricimage:“Ifyoucould
changetheimageinanyway,howwouldyouchangeit?”
7)Therapist-initiatedtransformation–“Whatifthemetaphoror
imagewasa____________?”
8)Connectingmetaphoricpatternsandlifeissues:“Whatparallels
doyouseebetweenyourimageandyoursituation?”(pp.5-12).
8
Metaphors Related to Counseling
Client-Generated Metaphors
Six Categories
Richard Kopp, Ph.D. and Daniel Eckstein, Ph.D.
1.Metaphors that represent one’s image of self.
2.Metaphors that represent one’s image of others.
3.Metaphors that represent one’s image of situations.
4.Metaphors that represent one’s understanding of the
relationship between self and self.
5.Metaphors that represent one’s understanding of self and others.
6.Metaphors that represent one’s understanding of self and
situations.
Kopp, R. & Eckstein, D. (2004). Using early memory metaphors and client-generated
metaphors in Adlerian Therapy. Journal of Individual Psychology, 60(2), 163-174.
9
Otherwise
Igotoutofbed
ontwostronglegs.
Itmighthavebeen
otherwise.Iate
cereal,sweet
milk,ripe,flawless
peach.Itmight
havebeenotherwise.
Itookthedoguphill
tothebirchwood.
AllmorningIdid
theworkIlove.
AtnoonIlaydown
withmymate.Itmight
havebeenotherwise.
Weatedinnertogether
atatablewithsilver
candlesticks.Itmight
havebeenotherwise.
Isleptinabed
inaroomwithpaintings
onthewalls,and
plannedanotherday
justlikethisday.
Butoneday,Iknow,
itwillbeotherwise.
____
FromConstance.PoemsbyJaneKenyon.(1993).St.Paul:GraywolfPress,p.58.
Hastherebeenan"otherwise"dayforyouinthelastmonths?Ifso,whatpartof
thispoemresonateswiththatevent?Kenyonusesthewordotherwiseasa
metaphorfor“oneday”.Whatmetaphormightyouchoosefor“oneday”?
Writealineortwoof"otherwise"momentsforyou.
10
ThereareplacesIremember
ThereareplacesIrememberallmylife
Thoughsomehavechanged
Someforever,notforbetter
Somehavegoneandsomeremain
Alltheseplaceshavetheirmoments
OfloversandfriendsIstillcanrecall
Somearedeadandsomeareliving
InmylifeIlovedthemall
Andwithallthesefriendsandlovers
Thereisnoonecompareswithyou
Andthesemem'rieslosetheirmeaning
WhenIthinkofloveassomethingnew
AndIknowI'llneverloseaffection
Forpeopleandthingsthatwentbefore
IknowI'lloftenstopandthinkaboutthem
InmylifeIlovedyoumore
AndIknowI'llneverloseaffection
Forpeopleandthingsthatwentbefore
IknowI'lloftenstopandthinkaboutthem
InmylifeIlovedyoumore
InmylifeIlovedyoumore
Songwriters
PaulMcCartney/JohnLennon
Recallaplaceyouremember.Eitherwriteaboutthatplaceinviting
thosethathearorreadyourpiecetopicturetheplaceORwrite
aboutwhatmakesthatplacememorable.Isthereaparticular
event,person, experiencethatmakesthatplacememorable?Ifso,
writeaboutthat.
11
Cold
Itfeltsocold,thesnowballwhichweptinmyhands,
andwhenIrolleditalonginthesnow,itgrew
tillIcouldsitonit,lookingbackatmyhouse,
whereitwascoldwhenIwokeinmyroom,thewindows
blindwithice,mybreathundressingitselfontheair.
Cold,too,embracingthetorsoofsnowwhichIliftedup
inmyarmstobuildasnowman,mytoes,burning,cold
inmywinterboots;mymother’svoicecallingmein
fromthecold.Andherhandswerecoldfrompeeling
thendippingpotatoesintoabowl,stoppingtocup
herdaughter’sface,akissforbothcoldcheeks,mycoldnose.
ButnothingsocoldastheFebruarynightIopenedthedoor
intheChapelofRestwheremymotherlay,neitheryoung,norold
wheremylips,returningherkisstoherbrow,knewthemeaningof
cold.
CarolAnnDuffy.PoetryReview,vol.99:2summer2009,p.5.
Duffyrepeatedlyusesacommonmetaphorforexperiencesofdeathand
bereavement.Iscoldafamiliarmetaphorforyourgrief?Whatmightyousay
toDuffyifyoucouldtalkwithher?Isthereanothermetaphorthatyouhearor
userepeatedly?
12
References
Berry,W.(2005)“Words”fromGiven:Poems.Emeryville,CA:AvalonPublishing
Group,Inc.
Bowman,T.(1994)Lossofdreams:Aspecialkindofgrief.Self-published,goto
www.bowmanted.com
Bowman,T.andJohnson,E.B.,eds.(2010)Thewindblows,Theicebreaks.
Minneapolis:NodinPress.
Bowman,T.(2012)“PoetryandBibliotherapy”inNeimeyer,R.(ed)Techniquesof
grieftherapy:Creativeprocessesforcounselingthebereaved.NewYork:
Routledge
Bowman,T.andMacduff,C.(2015)“Followingthemetaphor:Bereavementcare
Implications”.BereavementCare.34.3,pp.110-114.
Duffy,C.(2009).“Cold”,PoetryReview,vol.99:2summer2009,p.5.
Frank,A.W.(1995)Thewoundedstoryteller:Body,illness,andethics.Chicago:
TheUniversityofChicagoPress.
Kenyon,J.(1993)Constance.Poems.St.Paul:GraywolfPress.
Kopp,R.(1995)Metaphortherapy.NewYork:Brunner/Mazel,Inc.
Kopp, R. & Eckstein, D. (2004). “Using early memory metaphors and client-generated
metaphors in Adlerian Therapy”. Journal of Individual Psychology, 60(2),
163-174.
Lakoff,G.,&Johnson,M.(1980).Metaphorsweliveby.Chicago:Universityof
ChicagoPress.
McCartney,P.andLennon,J.(1965)“InMyLife”,fromtheRubberSoulalbum
Murdoch,I.(1972)“Salvationbywords”.TheNewYorkReviewofBooks,June15,The
BlashfieldAddressdeliveredtotheAmericanAcademyofArtsandLetters,
pp.3-5.
Rosenblatt,P.andBowman,T.(2013)“Alternativeapproachestoconceptualizing
grief:Aconversation”.BereavementCare32.2
Sexton,A.(1975)Theawfulrowingtowardgod.Boston:HoughtonMifflinCompany.
Taylor,B.B.(1998)WhenGodissilent.Cambridge:CowleyPublications.
13