The Effects of Parental Conflict Resolution on their
Adult Children’s Romantic Relationships
Overview of Study
Conflict resolution is an important component of romantic and marital relationships because without it, problems between
romantic partners might build up and fester, resulting in further disagreements. We know that all individuals experience
conflicts between one another (Kelley, 1979), and especially so during the transition to parenthood. That is, virtually all
couples, no matter how prepared or ready they are, find the transition to parenthood to be stressful and conflictual
(Cowan & Cowan, 2000). Such conflict and stress may be especially pervasive in a sample of pregnant, unmarried,
cohabitors given that the future of the couples’ relationship may or may not be as stable as those who are married (e.g.,
Popenoe, 2008).
Knowing that all individuals, and especially expectant parents, experience conflict, how couples resolve conflict is
important to understand. Based on attachment theory (Bowlby, 1969/1982), it seems likely that how individuals learn
about conflict resolution comes from what they observe in their own parents’ marriage, as well as how they make sense
of these memories of conflict resolution.
The purpose of my study is to assess how memories of conflict resolution as recalled in their own parents’ marriage are
associated with partners’ commitment to one another and the expectant child. The participants were recruited from
Tucson, Arizona and were 18 to 31 years of age. See Table 1 for other demographic information. All participants were
unmarried, living together, and expecting their first child together. The couples were interviewed in their home about their
early family experiences and commitment.
In previous research by my advisor, Dr. Melissa Curran, participants were asked about their parents’ marriage, but they
did not spontaneously generate memories of conflict resolution, therefore making the assessment of conflict resolution
difficult to evaluate. To address this limitation, we are interviewing new participants who are pregnant, unmarried, and
cohabiting on an updated interview that explicitly includes questions about their own parents’ conflict resolution.
Based on these additional interview questions, the theory and literature I read, and as part of a coding team with two
other students (Sydney Stewart and Ashley Randall) and Dr. Curran, I revised the previous conflict resolution scale to
include additional dimensions such as forgiveness, honesty, as well as divorce. See the entire coding scale in Table 2.
Using this coding system that I designed, I coded conflict resolution as remembered in the parents’ marriage in a sample
of 20 individuals (or 10 couples), in which the woman was pregnant, not married to her partner, and in which the couples
were cohabiting. See Table 3 for frequencies. I then provided examples for how conflict resolution remembered in the
parents’ marriage could be associated with how individuals talk about commitment to their partner and their expectant
child. See Table 4 for these examples.
The coding scale of conflict resolution, and its associations with commitment, are important because the information that
we have learned demonstrates what you remember about conflict resolution is associated with commitment to the
partner and to the expectant child. This knowledge, then, is important given that the individuals being studied are
pregnant, unmarried, cohabitors, for whom both models of conflict resolution and views on current commitment are
central for their own relationship satisfaction and stability, and for the development and continuation of family satisfaction
and stability with the baby about to enter their lives.
Method
I focus on The Representations of Marriage Interview (RMI), in which interviewers ask participants to recall information
about their own parent’s marriage or relationship. My specific interest is what individuals remember about how their
parents resolved conflict. Responses to the interview questions were carefully analyzed and coded based on a conflict
resolution scale that I created. Once the scores were established, I was able to take a closer look at frequencies of
conflict resolution, as well as what the participants had to say about commitment in the relationship. To establish reliability,
I worked with a student, Caroline Sethney, to establish that my coding was in line with hers. Caroline coded 20% of the
interviews, and our reliability was high.
Table 1
Descriptive Statistics (N = 20 individuals)
n
Age
%
Range between
18 and 31
Ethnicity
African American or Black
1
5%
Caucasian
13
65%
Hispanic
4
20%
Native American
1
5%
1
5%
Employed
14
70%
Unemployed
6
30%
Less than $5,000
5
25%
Mixed ethnic background:
Noted as “Black, White, Hispanic, and American
Indian”
Employment status
Sarah Kelsey
Family Studies and Human Development
Conflict Resolution Scale
Table 4
Table 2
1
No Resolution/Extreme Avoidance
A partner may leave the room, storm out of the house, or change the subject. Secret infidelity or ignoring infidelity. One or both
partners may not be forthcoming with information or feelings. Nonverbal hostility, or silent treatment. Or, constant fighting,
verbal hostility, or placing blame. Divorce or separation (unless it appears to make their relationship more positive) preceded
by low conflict.
2
No Resolution/ Moderate Avoidance of Conflict
A partner may involve others, include children, complain or bicker without getting anywhere. One partner may try to smooth
things over, give in to partner’s viewpoint to escape argument. One partner may humor partner, indulge in a mean and
devious fashion. Interruptions may be common, use defensiveness. May stay together for the kids but divorce later.
3
No Outcome Observed or Recalled
Resolution may be done behind closed doors. Resolution can be implicit, appears over. Subject may claim to not remember
how it ended, just that it ended
4
Minimal Effort Toward Resolution
Partners may interrupt to make their own point, agree to disagree but no progress of resolution of issue discussed. Calm
responses, perhaps just from one partner. Condoning or benevolent apology and forgiveness, accepting of partners flaws and
failures.
5
Moderate Effort Toward Resolution
Mutual calm discussion, non-hostile answers during discussion. Conflict is resolved but partners don’t feel good about it, may
be upset or grudging. Both partners being stubborn. Couple may attempt counseling but divorce.
6
Resolution of Conflict/ Positive Outcome Observed
Partners have discussed problems and compromised, sought intervention from friends, counselors, others – not children,
feel/look closer after argument. May just say “I’m Sorry” but not be as implicit or meaningful as possible Reconciliation or
routine forgiveness (act of forgiveness– lacks indication of good will or genuinely reconciled feelings but restores the
relationship).
7
Resolution of Conflict/ Positive Outcome Observed/ Behavioral Change Evidenced
Communication regarding the conflict and/or expressions of affection, such as love, physical or verbal that indicate resolution
(ex: hug, statements of “I love you,” “I’m sorry”) Put conflict resolution into action, for example spent more time together or
perhaps saw a reduction in future conflict. Genuine apology and forgiveness, includes indication of goodwill or genuinely
reconciled feelings. Honesty implied. A divorce may the resolved conflict here as long as the parents and children are better
off and feel more goodwill towards each other.
5%
$20,000 to 29,999
1
5%
$30.000 to 39,999
4
20%
$40,000 to 49,999
3
15%
$50,000 and above
6
30%
Male, age 24, coded as a
7 on conflict resolution,
said about commitment:
“Just there ‘till the end
or at least you know,
as long as you can go
to try to make it work
through everything”
“You’re committed to that
team, you’re not going to
quit on them, you’re going
to do anything you can to
make it work”
Describe
your
commitment
to your
partner now.
“There’s nobody
else I’d even
look at unless
Brad Pitt calls
and then I’d
make sure to
break up with
him”
“I’m completely
committed to her…Once
she gets really angry
and I mean I don’t
blame her for it, and
it’s just, I’m still I’m
very committed to her”
“I know she’s in it with
me, through thick and
thin, no matter what we
go through… I am, um
looking forward to the rest
of it”
“He has respect
for me for one
he’s not abusive
um he’s
respectful not
abusive… He
believes in that
kind of equality”
“I want to make sure
that we have like a
working relationship,
and we have you know,
a good, healthy
relationship”
“Our upbringings, um
we’ve been able to see,
she’s been able to see
how my parents are, how
her parents are, how
friends’ parents are, um
seeing what different
relationships are like…
getting to see those, those
uh committed
relationships”
Reasons for
commitment
Discussion of Results
I report frequencies of how participants were coded on conflict resolution in Table 3.
The most common code on conflict resolution was a 1, comprising 25% of our sample of pregnant, unmarried, cohabitors. A
code of 1 means that individuals remember either extreme hostility or extreme avoidance with no resolution. With the most
common response being a 1, it suggests to me that virtually no model of healthy conflict resolution exists for these
individuals, which is distressing given that conflict resolution is a critical component in any relationship, and especially in a
relationship as potentially high in stress and relationship uncertainty as cohabiting, new parents.
Frequencies of Conflict Resolution Codes
As has been found in previous research (Amato & Keith, 1991), it is more stressful and confusing for adults (recalling
memories as children) to go through a parental divorce in which conflict was resolved behind closed doors compared to a
parental divorce in which the adult (recalling memories as a child) witnessed the conflict or conflict resolution. Parents are
typically a child’s main source of influence when it comes to resolving conflict.
It is important to note here that conflict resolution is so important for the individual to witness and process because conflict
occurs in every relationship. Lack of knowledge about conflict resolution could possibly thwart the resolution of conflict in an
individual’s relationship if no healthy model was ever present, or only minimally present. Additionally, individuals who were
coded as low on how they remembered conflict resolution also were more unsure and less descriptive of their commitment to
their partner and their expectant child.
5
Frequency
0%
1
Male, age 18, coded as
a 4 on conflict
resolution, said about
commitment:
“Every time there has been a situation, they are sitting at the table and talking it out, compromising,
sacrificing, it’s amazing. Their relationship needs to balance on communication and they talk about
everything.”
-Male, 24, was coded as a 7 (i.e., Resolution of Conflict/ Positive Outcome Observed/
Behavioral Change Evidenced)
4
0
Female, age 30,
coded as a 1 on
conflict
resolution, said
about
Question
commitment:
“I think
What is
commitment is
commitment? important, um I
don’t know what
else”
“And they, of course, communicated things out and they worked it out. You know? So conflict was done
behind doors, I would say.”
-Female, 21 was coded as a 4 (i.e., Minimal effort toward resolution)
Family or Joint Income (as reported by individual)
$5,000 to 9,999
Examples of the associations between what people remembered about conflict resolution and what
they had to say about commitment:
Conflict Resolution Scale Examples:
How individuals recalled conflict resolution in their own parents’ marriage
“The best way they resolved conflict was, uh, arguing at four in the morning. It would just be, uh, an
intense debate about who was, and they, they’d argue about stuff that happened years ago.”
-Female, 26, was coded as a 1 (i.e., No resolution / Extreme Avoidance)
Table 3
$10,000 to 19,999
Conflict Resolution and Commitment
Thinking about ideas for intervention, I would share with all participants, and especially those who were coded as 4 or lower
on the conflict resolution scale, that conflict is a normal part of every relationship, and that even more important is to
demonstrate that conflict can be resolved between two adults, so that children have positive and useful models of conflict
resolution.
3
2
I would also share with participants, as well as therapists and counselors, that instances in which conflict is not resolved in
front of the child (e.g., solving problems behind closed doors) precludes opportunities for children to form models for how
relationships involve conflict, but how conflict can be resolved.
1
0
1
1.5
2
3
4
5
Score in Coding Scale
6
7
Special thanks to my advisor, Melissa Curran, Ph.D.