Got Conflict?
RESOLVING CONFLICT
IN
THE LOCAL CHURCH
“How to Biblically deal with conflict in the church”
Or
“Preventing it from happening in the first place”
Don Matthews
Church Health Consultant (CHAMPS)
South Carolina Baptist Convention
What does the Bible have to say about conflict in the
church?
Phil 4:1-9
4 Therefore, my brethren dearly beloved and longed for, my joy and crown, so stand fast
in the Lord, my dearly beloved.
2 I beseech Euodias, and beseech Syntyche, that they be of the same mind in the Lord.
3 And I intreat thee also, true yokefellow, help those women which laboured with me in
the gospel, with Clement also, and with other my fellow laborers, whose names are in the
book of life.
4 Rejoice in the Lord always: and again I say, Rejoice.
5 Let your moderation be known unto all men. The Lord is at hand.
6 Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving
let your requests be made known unto God.
7 And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and
minds through Christ Jesus.
8 Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever
things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever
things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these
things.
9 Those things, which ye have both learned, and received, and heard, and seen in me, do:
and the God of peace shall be with you.
Matthew 18
Is it about
Conflict?
Discipline?
Restoration?
Matt 18:15-20
15 "If your brother sins against you go and show him his fault, just between the two of
you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. 16 But if he will not listen,
take one or two others along, so that 'every matter may be established by the
testimony of two or three witnesses' 17 If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the
church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan
or a tax collector.
18 "I tell you the truth, whatever you bind on earth will bed bound in heaven, and
whatever you loose on earth will bee loosed in heaven.
19 "Again, I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything you ask for, it
will be done for you by my Father in heaven. 20 For where two or three come together
in my name, there am I with them."
NIV
Three pre-requisites to building
harmony in the church
1. Does it “Glorify God?”
2. Does it “Edify the Saints?”
3. Does it “Impact Lostness?”
I.
UNDERSTANDING CONFLICT
A. Principles
PRINCIPLE #1
CONFLICT IS INEVITABLE
PRINCIPLE
#2 of opposition. Remember, a kite
“Don’t be afraid
risesCONFLICT
against, not CAN
with, the
Hamilton Wright Mabie
BE wind.”
CONSTRUCTIVE
PRINCIPLE #3
THE FIRST STEP IN UNDERSTANDING CONFLICT IS TO TAKE AWAY THE
FEAR OF THE UNKNOWN. WHILE CONFLICT HAS THE POTENTIAL OF
AFFECTING RELATIONSHIPS IN AN ADVERSE WAY, IT CAN ALSO PROMOTE AN
OPPORTUNITY FOR UNDERSTANDING.
I.
UNDERSTANDING CONFLICT
A. Principles
PRINCIPLE #1
CONFLICT IS INEVITABLE
PRINCIPLE #2
CONFLICT CAN BE CONSTRUCTIVE
PRINCIPLE #3
THE FIRST STEP IN UNDERSTANDING CONFLICT IS TO TAKE AWAY THE
FEAR OF THE UNKNOWN. WHILE CONFLICT HAS THE POTENTIAL OF
AFFECTING RELATIONSHIPS IN AN ADVERSE WAY, IT CAN ALSO PROMOTE AN
OPPORTUNITY FOR UNDERSTANDING.
I.
UNDERSTANDING CONFLICT
A. Principles
PRINCIPLE #1
CONFLICT IS INEVITABLE
PRINCIPLE #2
CONFLICT CAN BE CONSTRUCTIVE
PRINCIPLE
The Chinese#3symbol for conflict (Chong Twu) is a
product of two words:
THE FIRST STEP IN UNDERSTANDING CONFLICT
Danger
IS TO TAKE AWAY THE FEAR
OF THE UNKNOWN. WHILE
Opportunity
CONFLICT HAS THE POTENTIAL
OF AFFECTING
“Conflict is seen asIN
disharmony
betweenWAY,
incompatible
opposing
RELATIONSHIPS
AN ADVERSE
IT CANor
ALSO
persons, ideas, or interest;
a clash”
PROMOTE AN OPPORTUNITY
FOR UNDERSTANDING.
“When your nose gets bent out of
joint—not if, but when—you have a
biblical responsibility to take the high
road of conflict resolution.”
–Bill
Hybels
Conflict in the church
“The church revolves around the close relationships formed
within the congregation. Because of this, many believe that a
church is a place where deeply caring people who love and
mutually support each other gather to worship, where
conflicts are nonexistent and ‘never is heard a discouraging
word.’” When Sheep Squabble – Glenn C. Daman
“Since conflict is a reality pastors face in small-church ministry,
they need to understand the dynamics of conflict within the
small church and develop godly methods for resolving it. While
conflict can affect a church of any size, when it arises in a small
church it can devastate the spiritual well-being of the
congregation and undermine its ministry for years to come.”
Common Causes For Conflict
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Tribal Warfare
Change
Personalities
Policies
Personalities
Common Causes For Conflict
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Tribal Warfare
Change
Procedures
Policies
Personalities
Common Causes For Conflict
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Tribal Warfare
Change
Procedures
Policies
Personalities
Common Causes For Conflict
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Tribal Warfare
Change
Procedures
Policies
Personalities
Common Causes For Conflict
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Tribal Warfare
Change
Procedures
Policies
Personalities
Issues Worth Battling Over
 Biblical infidelity. No discounting the teachings of Christ
Living out what we believe. Biblical
teaching must affect daily lives
Our church’s vision. All leaders
must support this
Verbal discipline. Keeping
cool in confrontation or
conflict
Ways to Prevent Conflict
1. Regularly check to see if everything’s
okay
2. Increase check-ins in tense times
3. Have monthly question-and-answer
times with leaders
4. Have regular feedback
sessions with
others in ministry
Conflict Situation
“My horoscope says this is a good week
to preach against false doctrines.”
Results of Conflict
“Results of
the vote are
40 yes,
7 no, and 1
‘over my
dead body.’ ”
B. Myths about conflict:
1. Poor relationship skills
2. Individual agendas
3. Anger can only be
destructive
4. Leave It Alone
5. Resolve Now!
II. Characteristics of Conflict
A.
As conflict escalates, concern for
self increases.
B.
As self-interest escalates, the desire
for a win/lose attitude increases.
C.
Even nice people can become
destructive as conflict escalates.
D.
As conflict increases mediation
strategies that work at low levels
are often ineffective.
E.
Conflict may skip levels.
F.
People are likely to be at different
levels during the conflict.
The Unhappy Knights of the Round
Table
III. Stages of Conflict
Stage One Conflict – Normal, on-going
conflict that requires little action or reaction.
Stage Two Conflict – Progresses from
avoidance of day-to-day irritations to a “win – lose”
attitude.
Stage Three Conflict – Quickly
shifts from wanting to win to hurt and destroy.
4.
Learn and practice T.E.A.M.
Moving the church
towards
accomplishing its
vision and mission
Focus On Results
Mutual
Accountability
Commit To Decisions
Healthy Conflict of Ideas
Building Trust
T.E.A.M. = TOGETHER EVERYONE ACCOMPLISHES MORE
IV. Conflict Mediation
IV. Suggestions For Conflict
Mediation
A. Focus on building winners – Voting builds
losers.
B. Declare a moratorium – Remember that
relationships are more important than solutions.
C. Encourage equal participation.
D. Listen Actively…Verbal and Non-Verbal
1. Listening says you are important
2. Listening provides understanding.
3. Listening separates facts from opinions.
4. Listening separates people from problems.
Conflict and Personal Growth
1.
Listening Skills
Verbal
“Tomorrow students I want
you to bring your book on
Plato.”
Conflict and Personal Growth
1.
Listening Skills
Non-verbal
“Now don’t jump to
any conclusions, lets see
what they had to say to
Bob.”
V. Cautions for mediation
A. Don’t get caught in a power struggle.
B. Don’t become detached from the conflict.
C. Don’t let the conflict establish the agenda.
VI. Five Stages of Mediation
A. Establish the parameters.
B. Collect the information.
C. Frame the issues
D. Generate the alternatives
E. Evaluate the process
F. Develop accountability for solutions.
VII.
SIX RULES FOR A
FAIR FIGHT
A.
Conflict can be healthy and useful for a
church. It is ok for people to differ with one
another.
B.
Resolutions for the sake of quick agreement
are often worse than agreements that are
carefully worked out over time.
C.
Fair conflict includes:
Deal with one issue at a time
If more than one issue is present, agree on the order
and priority of the issues to be addressed
6 RULES FOR A FAIR FIGHT
Examine all elements of the conflict
Alternative solutions to the conflict
D.
E.
If anyone is uncomfortable with the setting in
which the conflict resolution is raised, change
the setting.
Inappropriate conflict
includes:
Name calling
Mind reading
Inducing guilt
Rejecting
Sharing confidential information
F. Fair conflict always allows people who are
charged with poor performance or
inappropriate behavior to:

Know who their accusers are

Learn what their accusers’ concerns are

Respond to those who accuse
VIII
Calculating the Cost of
Ineffective Conflict Resolution
A. Loss of Congregational Vitality
B. Loss of Integrity and Reputation in the
Community
C. Evangelism Curtailed
D. Numeric Losses
E. Personal Losses
F. Ministry Strain
G. Program Curtailments
H. Financial Losses
I. Degraded Decision Making
J. Ministry Ineffectiveness
K. Spiritual, Emotional, and Physical Stress
L. Personal Regret
M. Conflict undermines the morale of the pastor.
N. Conflict undermines the morale of the church.
O. Conflict affects the testimony of the church.
“Unresolved church conflict costs too much! The
manner in which church leaders handle their differences
today suggest what the church’s health, stability, and
ministry effectiveness will be tomorrow.”
Glorify God
Believing that in all things we need to glorify God in all we
do, I do hereby convent to:
1. Strive earnestly, diligently, and continually to live at
peace with those around me.
2. Remember that Jesus’ reputation is affected by the way I
get along with others.
3. Guard against Satan’s schemes and false teachings, which
are designed to promote selfishness and indicate conflict.
4. Trust that God is in control and working for my good and
the good of others.
5. Give God praise and thanks for his goodness and his
help.
Glorify God
6. Obey God’s commands even when doing so is difficult
and requires sacrifice.
7. Use conflict as an opportunity to serve others by:
helping them to find godly solutions to their problems;
helping them bear their emotional, spiritual, or material
burdens; helping them to see where they have been
wrong and need to change. Encouraging them to put
their faith in the Lord Jesus Christ and teach and
encourag them by your example.
8. Cooperate with God as he prunes me of sinful attitudes
and habits, and helps me to grow to be more like Christ.
9. See myself as a steward and managing myself, my
resources, and my situation in such a way that God
would say, “Well done , good and faithful servant.”