For generations, family members have noted the differences that naturally
arise in children raised in the same family. How is it that John, the first born and
only boy, seems to have such different personality characteristics than his younger
brother, raised in the same house by the same parents just two years apart? Good
question!
Theories of personality abound. You may be familiar with some of the more
popular models, often used in work or educational settings. The Myers-Briggs Type
Indicator (MBTI), based on the four major personality styles described by Swiss
psychoanalyst Carl Jung, is a favorite. The Enneagram, a model developed in
religious communities and often used in spiritual direction, and other forms of
personal discovery, is another. These are models that seek to describe common
types of personalities. Other models, such as the Big Five theory, attempt to describe
personalities using the idea of common traits shared by human beings across the
world, such as extraversion or neuroticism.
Whichever way makes more sense to you to describe human beings, by types
or common traits, we have a collective curiosity about how people become who they
are, and how much we can or should adapt ourselves to others and our
environment.
How did I get to be the way I am? When my clients ask me this question, I
answer this way: our personality is constituted like a recipe, with three primary
ingredients. The first main ingredient is our individual nature. We are born with a
particular style of personality, inherited from our parents and our larger family
system. It’s part of our genetic code, and forms the basis of who we become. Our
general sense of the world, our innate optimism or pessimism, our sense of humor;
this basic personality is another thing we have inherited.
The second main ingredient of our personality is formed by the way we are
cared for by our parents; it’s the nurture part of the recipe. Was our mother well
nourished, healthy, and ready to become pregnant? Were our parents free from
addiction, major illness or injury? Was our birth relatively normal? Were we
welcomed into the world with joy and cared for with love? The way our parents
meet our vulnerability, suffering and growing sense of self makes up the great
majority of our personality relationship style.
If our parents or primary caregivers have enough sense of self that they can
sacrifice and respond to our needs consistently, we learn to trust that others will
meet our needs, and that others are trustworthy. We offer ourselves to them, and
get care and love in return. In the research done on this concept of emotional
attachment, about half of us get just what we need to feel secure. The rest of us learn
some combination of security, anxiety and withdrawal to cope with inconsistent
parenting.
The third part of our personality is made up of all the unique, individual
experience we have in life and what we do with it. It’s the fall you took in second
grade from school jungle gym, the trip to the hospital, and the cast that you had to
wear through the summer. How did that fall affect you? How did it shape the way
you think, feel and respond to the world? What happens, and how you chose to
respond, makes up a large part of your personality.
What about birth order? I think it fits in this third “what happens to us”
category of personality development. While research is still battling it out whether
first born children actually are more independent than their second born siblings,
therapists and other social scientists have found a common pattern in family
position that seems to fit many families, at least in Western cultures. In general, first
born and only children are commonly more self determined and disciplined, having
been born into an adult system and most closely associated to adults, even as
infants. The second born child is less connected to the adults in the family, and if
followed by a third child, may feel a bit lost in their parents’ strong relationship to
the first born and emotional focus on the baby of the family. The farther away from
the parent system, the more independent and even rebellious that child may
become. (Sulloway, 1997) Additionally, the more older siblings a child has, the more
accustomed they often become to letting other people lead, and can more easily go
“with the flow” than those born first.
Family therapists differ in the amount of importance they place in this theory
of birth order, but most will inquire about how a client’s family is constituted, and
where in the family their client “fits.” Why it matters at all is that it may help people
better understand some of their unconscious preferences for friendships, marriage
partners, relationship styles, and even how they may connect to or discipline their
own children. It’s all just part of our individual personality recipes.
Sulloway, F. J. (1997) Born to Rebel: Birth Order, Family Dynamics, and Creative
Lives. New York: Vintage.