Family Life Ministry
2015: Building Effective Relationship Skills
Q1: Overcoming Destructive Emotions & Behaviors
Q2: Fundamentals of Successful Marriage
Part 1: Getting The Basics Right!
Part 2: Basic Ingredients of Cleaving!
Study Focus Questions
1. Why did God create marriage?
2. What are elements/requirements for a healthy marriage
relationship?
3. Why do some marriages succeed and others fail?
4. What do I need to know/do in order to have a
happy/fulfilling/peaceful family relationship?
If the fundamentals are missing in a marriage, everything else will go wrong!
(If the foundation is destroyed/bad/faulty…Psalm 11:3…paraphrased)
Text
Psalm 11:3 (KJV)
• 3 If the foundations be destroyed, what can the
righteous do?
Genesis 2:18-25
• 18 And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man
should be alone; I will make him an help meet for
him.
Text
• 19 And out of the ground the LORD God formed every beast of the
field, and every fowl of the air; and brought them unto Adam to
see what he would call them: and whatsoever Adam called every
living creature, that was the name thereof.
• 20 And Adam gave names to all cattle, and to the fowl of the air,
and to every beast of the field; but for Adam there was not found
an help meet for him.
• 21 And the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam, and
he slept: and he took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh
instead thereof;
Text
• 22 And the rib, which the LORD God had taken from man,
made he a woman, and brought her unto the man.
• 23 And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh
of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was
taken out of Man.
• 24 Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother,
and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.
• 25 And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and
were not ashamed.
The Impact of Lack of Marriage Education!
• When we want to do anything in life, we readily go
in search of knowledge!
• In fact the law requires that training and licenses be
obtained before you can operate certain equipment
or function in certain offices/professions!
• Example - we go through hours of driver training,
and sit beside a DMV/DPS officer to take a driving
test before we are licensed (legally allowed) to put a
vehicle on the road.
The Impact of Lack of Marriage Education!
• However, when it comes to the subject of marriage most
people think they know it all…
• They don’t attend sessions like this…
• They don’t pay attention to the need for pre-marital and
marriage counselling
• They skip marriage seminars, etc…
• Yet they obtained a “marriage license” and “operate” the
marriage relationship!
• They’re not CLEAVING = WORKING PROACTIVELY towards
the success of their relationship!
Foundational Reasons God Created Marriage
1. Communion/Companionship/Company/Friendship
•
•
•
•
•
18 And
the Lord God said, “It isn’t good for man to be alone; I will make a
companion for him, a helper suited to his needs.” Genesis 2:18 (TLB)
Reason #1 = To produce goodness (completeness) of/in each other (It is
not good for man to be alone…)
A good marriage requires sharing of life…i.e. not aloneness!
If you are married and still have the “mine” mentality, you are destroying
the foundation of your marriage…it is not good…it is selfishness!
You can’t be selfish and have a successful marriage because the
foundation requires the “ours/sharing” mentality
Foundational Reasons God Created Marriage
2. Provide Suitable Support (Help Meet = KJV Language)
• 18 And the Lord God said, “It isn’t good for man to be alone; I will
make a companion for him, a helper suited to his needs.” Genesis
2:18 (TLB)
• To bear each other’s burden…help = support = assist; e.g. helping to
lift a load…it makes the load a lot easier to lift
• The support is mutual…
• The key to supporting each other is the sense of partnership (not
lordship or servitude!)
Foundational Reasons God Created Marriage
3. To Fill in the “The Blank” (Missing Piece) in Each Other
18 And
the Lord God said, “It isn’t good for man to be alone; I will make a
companion for him, a helper suited to his needs.” Genesis 2:18 (TLB)
• There are needs (blanks) of each man that requires a specific woman
and vice versa!
• When I say needs, I mean key elements that is missing in each
gender…differences that requires input that can only be met by the
ingredients God used in creating your spouse, and abilities He placed in
him/her!
• This leads to the subject of partnership…
Foundational Reasons God Created Marriage
4. Partnership
• Note that the woman is part of the man…formed out of his ribs!
• Other species were created out of the dust individually, but when it came
to humans, God took out of the man to make the woman.
•
19 And
out of the ground the LORD God formed every beast of the field, and every
fowl of the air…
• 21 And the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam, and he slept: and he
took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh instead thereof;
• 22 And the rib, which the LORD God had taken from man, made he a woman, and
brought her unto the man.
Foundational Reasons God Created Marriage
• This implies that we need each other for completeness
• There are things you are not strong at that your spouse is
designed to be good at…
• e.g. the female intuition is 10x stronger than the male’s!...it
is a God given ability to women…
• Therefore to function in completeness, we must value each
other’s uniqueness and utilize each other’s strengths to
produce a higher quality result than you can unilaterally
achieve!
Foundational Reasons God Created Marriage
• Partnership requires a sense of value of each other’s uniqueness, and
wisely employing our uniqueness in partnership
• Marriage is not a competitive environment but a supportive partnership!
• The fact that we are different parts of the same means God used/mixed
different ingredients to produce the whole being
• Men and women are not the same (not only in physical terms, but in
many other ways – emotionally, strengths/grace, thought process, etc.)
• Combining the individual strengths (partnership) thus produces a more
effective output and results in a better quality relationship!
Question:
• What are some ingredients that can facilitate the
successful realization of these 4 fundamental
(uniform) purpose of God every marriage?
Ingredients that facilitates successful marriage…
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
Selflessness
Understanding each other’s uniqueness/differences
Valuing each other’s strengths (it’s a partnership)
Overcome pride/ego
Overlooking offence (seeing the person not the deeds)
Sharing (your heart, information, issues, concerns, etc.)
Caring/love
Honor/respect
Unity/oneness
Cleaving!
God’s Original Design = Oneness = 1+1 = 1!
• God’s original design (in the beginning) is that each married
couple become one flesh
• Genesis 2:24,
• 24 Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and
shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.
• ONE FLESH = Fused Together (mentally, physically, emotionally,
and spiritually)
• Matt 19:3-8 (Jesus reiterated the original/beginning intent for marriage)
• 8 He saith unto them, Moses because of the hardness of your
hearts suffered you to put away (separate/disunite) your
wives: but from the beginning it was not so.
Yosemite National Park = Faithful Couple
• “Faithful Couple” = Fused
Giant Sequoia @ Yosemite
Mariposa Grove
• A rare case in which two trees
grew so close together that
their trunks fused together at
the base.
• This is an example of “one
flesh”…2 becoming 1!
Keeping to The Original Divine Intent
• They shall be implies that it is/takes a process to
be/become
• 24 Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother,
and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one
flesh.
• It is not instantaneous!
• We need to understand and work on the process of
“becoming”!
Keeping to The Original Divine Intent
• A key to fulfilling the divine design of oneness is the word
CLEAVE (vs. 24)
• 24 Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and
shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.
• Cleave is an action verb (dictionary.com definition below)
• 1. to adhere closely; stick; cling (usually followed by to)
• 2. to remain faithful (usually followed by to)
• to cleave to one's principles in spite of persecution.
• CLEAVE = WORK AT PUTTING & KEEPING TOGETHER!
Cleaver #1
1. Selflessness
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
Value each other’s strengths (it’s a partnership)
Understanding each other’s uniqueness/differences
Overcome pride/ego
Overlook offence (see the person not the deeds)
Sharing (your heart, information, issues, concerns, etc.)
Caring/love
Honor/respect
Unity /oneness
#1: Selflessness
• 18 And the Lord God said, “It isn’t good for man to be alone; I
will make a companion for him, a helper suited to his needs.”
Genesis 2:18 (TLB)
• Companionship requires sharing of life between a couple
• The “alone/me/self” mentality destroys the foundation of a
marriage! …it is not good!
• You can’t be selfish and have a successful marriage!
• Because the foundation requires stepping away from the
“alone” mentality to the “companion” mentality
#1: Selflessness
• Selflessness = opposite of selfishness!
• Selfishness:
Devoted to or caring only for oneself; concerned primarily with o
one's own interests, benefits, welfare, etc., regardless of others;
characterized by or manifesting concern or care only for oneself
• Selflessness:
Devoted to others' welfare or interest and not one's own
#1: Selflessness
•Selflessness:
Devoted to others' welfare or interest and not one's own
• Philippians 2:3
Let nothing be done through strife or vainglory; but in
lowliness of mind let each esteem other better than
themselves.
Discussion Question #1
•What are examples of
selfishness between
couples?
Discussion Question #1
• Examples of selfishness between couples?
• Personal Thoughts
• Not sharing concerns, thoughts, ideas, feelings, etc.
• Personal Time
• You have no personal time if your spouse needs your
help/input at that time!
• Personal Property
• Personal Finance
Discussion Question #2
•Why do individuals find it difficult to be
selfless in the marriage setting?
• Remember the definition of selflessness:
devoted to others' (husband’s/wife’s/children’s/pa
rents’) welfare or interest and not one's own
• Philippians 2:3
Let nothing be done through strife or vainglory;
but in lowliness of mind let each esteem other
better than themselves.
Discussion Question #3
•How can we overcome the
tendency to be selfish in the
marriage setting?
Discussion Question #3
•How can we overcome the tendency to
be selfish in the marriage setting?
• Philippians 2:3
Let nothing be done through strife or vainglory; but
in lowliness of mind let each esteem other better
than themselves
Cleaver #2
1. Selflessness
2. Understanding each other’s uniqueness/differences
3. Value each other’s strengths (it’s a partnership)
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
Overcome pride/ego
Overlook offence (seeing the person not the deeds)
Sharing (your heart, information, issues, concerns, etc.)
Caring/love
Honor/respect
Unity (the covenant of intimacy)
#2 Value Each Other’s Differences & Strengths
• Understand that men and women are fundamentally different
and each have unique strengths!
• Isaiah 40:29 (KJV):29 He giveth power to the faint; and to them that
have no might he increaseth strength.
• Identify strengths unique to your spouse (its not necessarily
the same across the same gender)
• Some men enjoy #’s and planning; whereas in some homes
it’s the wife…
• Don’t be stereo typical about it…study your spouse…
• A quick recap of basic gender differences
Basic Gender Differences
Male
• Functions on Logic
(Logical Thinker)
• He expresses what he is
thinking when
communicating
Female
• Functions on Emotions
& Feelings
• She is expressing what she is
feeling when communicating
• She doesn’t want you to hear
just her words, she wants you
to hear her feelings!
Basic Gender Differences
Male
Female
• Words are only
information
• The Information does not
affect his emotion…
• It is only fact or figures to
him!
• She does not only hear
the words, she feels the
words
• Never tell a woman what
you don’t want her to feel
• NB: Be careful how you
talk to a woman who is
not your wife
Basic Gender Differences
Male
• To him everything is
impersonal
Female
• She takes everything
personally
• She takes everything you
• Negative words have
little impact on the man say personal!
Basic Gender Differences
Male
• He is interested in the
principle
• He is only interested in
the gist of things?
Female
• She is interested in the
details
• What, when, where?
Basic Gender Differences
Male
• He quickly analyzes the
words and begins to propose
solution alternatives
• Uses words like “the fact of
the matter is”
Female
• She is not asking you to
solve the problem!
• She is simply expressing how
she feels
Basic Gender Differences
Male
Female
• Men are like filing cabinets!
• Women are like a computer
disk!
• You put the information there
and forget it!
• They say it and forget it!
• She never forgets anything!
• Never say to a woman what
you don’t want her to
remember!
Basic Gender Differences
Male
• He has to be reminded
things over & over again
Female
• She never forgets
anything!
• He only remembers the gist of
things
• Have you ever wondered how she
remembers the details of what you
said or the cloth you wore to a
wedding 10 years ago?
Basic Gender Differences
Male
• His work is an extension of
his personality
Female
• Her home is an extension
of her personality
• It is her domain!
• She needs to feel you care
about things around the
house that bother her
• God gave work to man before
He gave her the woman (Gen
2:15)
Basic Gender Differences
Male
Female
• Can function in the midst • She needs stability &
on an unstable situation
security
or environment
• She needs to know she can trust you
completely!
• This is why she needs to hear from
you “I Love You” everyday!
Basic Gender Differences
Female
Male
• Tend to be resentful when
corrected
• Tends to be guilt prone
• She walks with the weight of a
guilt.. She thinks: what did I do
wrong?...even when the man is at
fault!
• Please take the weight of guilt off
her shoulders!
Basic Gender Differences
Male
Female
• Evaluates the situation • Tends to get involved in
before getting involved things easily
• “if it feels good, it has to be
good!”
#2 Value of Each Other’s Differences & Strengths
• Discussion Question #4: How can you ensure that the
your differences don’t obscure the perception/reception
of your spouse’s inputs?
#2 Value Each Other’s Differences & Strengths
• Discussion Question #4: How can you ensure that the
your differences don’t obscure the perception/reception
of your spouse’s inputs?
• Remind yourself that there are strengths in your spouse that
you lack!
• Isaiah 40:29 (KJV):29 He giveth power to the faint; and to them that have no might
he increaseth strength.
• Seek input on every issue from your spouse for optimum
outcome…
#2 Value Each Other’s Differences & Strengths
• Seek to understand things from your spouse’s perspective
• Know that you will always be clouded by your point of view
• Ask questions to clarify your understanding your spouse’s
inputs (verbal or non-verbal)
• Don’t jump to conclusion; always ask for clarification
Men should listen for feelings…
Women should listen for facts…
• Apologize for misconceptions and forgive if
misunderstood!
Cleaver #3
1. Selflessness
2. Value each other’s strengths (it’s a partnership)
3. Understanding each other’s uniqueness/differences
4. Overcome pride/ego
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
Overlook offence (seeing the person not the deeds)
Sharing (your heart, information, issues, concerns, etc.)
Caring/love
Honor/respect
Unity (the covenant of intimacy)
#3 Overcome Pride/Ego
•Pride (dictionary.com)
•A high or inordinate opinion of one's own
dignity, importance, merit, or superiority,
whether as cherished in the mind or as
displayed in bearing, conduct, etc.
• Consideration of one’s opinion/ability as superior
• You can never KNOW IT ALL!
#3 Overcome Pride/Ego
• Proverbs 16:18 Pride goeth before destruction,
and an haughty spirit before a fall.
•GNT = Pride leads to destruction, and
arrogance to downfall.
•Pride will lead to destruction of a relationship!
#3 Overcome Pride/Ego
• Proverbs 11:2 When pride cometh, then cometh shame:
but with the lowly (humble) is wisdom.
• Pride will prevent you from being able to take
advantage of your spouse’s wisdom, because you want
to be the one that’s right all the time!
• Solution
• Philippians 2:3 Let nothing be done through strife
(competition) or vainglory (pride); but in lowliness
(humility) of mind let each esteem other better than
themselves.
Summary
• One of our texts was: If the fundamentals are
missing in a marriage, everything else will go
wrong! (Psalm 11:3 paraphrased)
• We discussed 3 ingredients that facilitates
CLEAVING and the successful realization God’s
foundational purpose for marriage…
•What are they?
Summary
• #1 Selflessness
• #2 Value Each Other’s Differences & Strengths
• #3 Overcome Pride/Ego
• Repeated scripture…
• Philippians 2:3
Let nothing be done through strife or vainglory; but in
lowliness of mind let each esteem other better than
themselves
Question & Answers
Prayer Point…
Father please help us to…
• Be Selfless
• Value Each Other’s Differences & Strengths
• Overcome Pride/Ego
• Esteem each other better than ourselves
In our home/family/relationship…