Interpersonal Communication:
Everyday Encounters
Chapter 9
Managing Conflict in Relationships
Interpersonal Conflict
exists when people who
depend on each other express different views,
interests or goals that they perceive as incompatible
or opposed. It is Expressed Disagreement.
Principal #1: Conflict is natural in relationships
Conflict is a normal, inevitable part of
most interpersonal relationships.
Principal #2: Conflict may be overt or covert
Overt conflict is out in the open & explicit.
Covert conflict is expressed indirectly.
Principal #3: Social Groups shape the meaning
of conflict behaviors
Cultural upbringing, gender and race
dictate reactions to conflict.
Principal #4: Conflict can be managed well or
poorly
Using “I” language and monitoring the
self-serving bias will help when
faced with conflict.
Principal #5: Conflict can be good for individuals
and relationships
When managed properly, positive and
affirmative conflict provides
opportunities to grow, learn and
strengthen relationships.
Orientations to Conflict
Lose – Lose:
assumes all conflict is
inevitably negative, unhealthy and
destructive to relationships. Conflict is
avoided at all costs and is constricting.
Win – Lose:
assumes conflict is a battle
where only one can be victorious. Effective
with a low commitment and little desire to
care for the relationship.
Win – Win:
assumes conflict presents an
opportunity to resolve difference where
everyone can be victorious. All participants
are committed to their own and the other’s
satisfaction.
Responses to Conflict
The Exit Response: is a refusal to talk about problems.
It tends to be destructive because it doesn’t address
problems. It is associates with Lose-Lose and Win-Lose.
The Neglect Response: is an avoidance or neglecting of
problems. It is generally destructive as well because it
doesn’t resolve tension. It is also associated with LoseLose and Win-Lose.
The Loyalty Response: is a decision to tolerate the
differences in a conflict. It tends to be constructive, at
least for the short run, because it preserves the
relationship. It is associated with Lose-Lose.
The Voice Response: is an identification of problems and
involves a desire to deal with them. It is generally the
most constructive method of resolving conflict because it
implies a shared value in the relationship and a desire to
preserve it. It is associated with Win-Win.
Unproductive Conflict Communication
Early Stages:
fail to confirm individuals.
People tend to listen poorly and may communicate
disdain non-verbally. Cross-complaining often
occurs while dual perspective is low and
defensiveness is high.
Middle Stages:
are stoked by additional
unconstructive communication, such as, “kitchensinking” or the hauling out a laundry list of old
gripes. Oftentimes this disrupts the flow and
effectiveness of the discussion. Crosscomplaining continues.
Later Stages:
degrade into counterproposals
where the participants push their own solutions
rather than considering the other’s perspective.
Egocentric discourse ensues and participants are
often embroiled in metacommunication and lose
sight of the original issue.
Constructive Conflict Communication
Early Stages:
confirms individuals by establishing a
good climate through listening, recognizing and
acknowledging each other’s concerns & feelings.
Openness clears the way for effective discussion of
how to increase closeness. Participants work
together to solve a problem.
Middle Stages:
dig deeper into issues through
“Agenda Building” while staying focused on the
main conflict. When side issues surface,
participants use “Bracketing” where they mutually
decide to cover the side matter at a later time.
Acknowledgement takes place of crosscomplaining.
Later Stages:
resolve the tension while operating
collaboratively. Participants engage in “Contracting”
where they build a solution through negotiation and
acceptance of parts of the proposals.
Conflict Management Skills 1 - 4
Attending to a Relationship Level of Meaning: focus on the
content level of meaning to deal with the issue or
problem and the relationship level of meaning to
consistently communicate respect and attentiveness to
the relationship.
Communicate Supportively: monitor communication to
ensure it encourages a supportive climate while being
descriptive, provisional, spontaneous, problem oriented,
empathetic and egalitarian.
Listen Mindfully: to consider the other person’s ideas or
criticisms. Show respect by paying attention and seeking
to understand to open the door to a conversation.
Take Responsibility: for your thoughts, feelings and issues.
“I” language is a cornerstone to owning your perspective
and seeking a mutual Win-Win resolution. Use
statements showing ownership like “I feel angry when
you are late” instead of “your lateness makes me angry”.
Conflict Management Skills 5 - 8
Check Perceptions: to avoid distortion by paraphrasing what
was heard. Ask direct questions, being careful to avoid
communication that fosters defensiveness. This is
particularly important with online communications.
Look for Points of Agreement: in search for a common
ground, likely on other matters related to the conflict.
Doing so shows each participant cares about the other
and respects their feelings.
Look for Ways to Preserve the Other’s Face: to help avoid
embarrassment or shame to ensure no one participant
feels defeated or stupid. Be gracious to ensure the safety
of dignity and face.
Imagine How you’ll Feel in the Future: before saying a thing.
Think about how you will feel tomorrow, next week or
next year if the original reaction were to be expressed.
This will help the communication to remain ethical while
fostering self-respect and supporting the continuation of
the relationship.
Guidelines for Effective Communication
during Conflict 1-3
Focus on the Overall Communication System: as
communication is systemic. It occurs in context and is
composed of many interacting parts. Empower conflict
management skills to resolve issues.
Time Conflict Purposefully: at a time when both people will be
fully psychologically present to foster a good climate of
listening and thoughtful responses. Generally not advisable
to engage in conflict in the heat of anger.
Aim for a Win-Win: by entering a conflict with the assumption
that you, the other person and the relationship can all benefit
from the conflict. Identify your feelings, needs and desires in
clear language and ascertain these same things from the
other individual. Listen mindfully and use language that
promotes cooperation. Continually remind yourself that winwin solutions are most likely when both people balance
concern for themselves and concern for each other.
Guidelines for Effective Communication
during Conflict 4 - 5
Honor Yourself, Your Partner and the Relationship: as
constructive conflict communication is impossible if you disregard or
demean the other person’s needs and feelings or disregard your own
needs and feelings. Express feelings and needs clearly. Focus on
constructive forms of communication
Show “Grace” When Appropriate: to grant forgiveness or put
aside your own needs when there is no standard that says you should
or must do so. “Grace” is not forgiving when we should, but rather, it is
unearned and unrequired kindness. This involves letting go of anger,
blame and judgments about what has transpired. It is given without
strings, not to make a friend feel grateful or indebted. No One is
Perfect! We All Make Mistakes and Wound Others! But Being Gracious
Allows the Richest and Most Enduring Relationships to Grow!
Activity Time!!!!
You put a can of soda in the refrigerator
at work and it disappears. Later you
discover who stole it.
How would you handle
this situation?