To my children…….
First generation, great,
Grand, and beyond.
Foreward
Today is July 4th, 1979. It wasn’t planned as an appropriate day to begin this book. One day is as
good as another for any beginning or any completion, provided you have what it takes. Yesterday is
gone and for you tomorrow may never arrive. The time to live and to do is always now.
A number of people are indirectly responsible for the existence of this book. The most
important of these was my great-grandfather who died in 1887. He was the master of Melvin
Plantation, an estate of almost a thousand acres, which was located a couple of miles east of the stillstanding Mattiponi Church at Cumnor, Virginia.
By some twist of fate one of his journals fell into my hands several years ago through his
grandson, and my cousin, Louis Cornelius Carlton of Richmond, Va. It was a record of transactions in
connection with the plantation before and after the Civil War in which he participated. During his final
years he used blank pages to express his opinions on a number of subjects which either pleased,
bothered, or amused him.
His name was Cornelius Hart Carlton. My grandmother, Adelaide, spoke of her father as the
greatest man who ever lived and as a consequence I heard much about him as a child. Some of the tales
I remember and many more have been forgotten. I still have the Navy Colt revolver he used during the
time he served with the Confederacy. He is best remembered by me because of his writings. Although
faded, they still carry his basic personality to the reader and therefore give him a degree of immortality
for as long as they continue to exist.
Life is dedicated to survival by the one who lives it and so long as we survive there is a story
which accompanies it. Some few get our names into history and other books but most of us don’t. The
written word can survive longer than any of us and if you fail to write your own story you can not
depend upon the memory of others to accurately portray it after it is complete. If you have nothing of
significance to write for the benefit of mankind, at least record some of your experiences for possible
reference by those who follow you.
Even if you should live one hundred years or more life is still short and perhaps no more than a
comparative microsecond in the history of the human race. Ask anyone what your great-grandparents
were really like and of their accomplishments and chances are excellent that they won’t know. They
might not even know their names.
Folks we know die, one by one, and the years pass swiftly by. Those who knew them intimately
or even distantly also die. Their children, friends, and relatives may pay a rare visit to their graves but all
too soon the graves become overgrown by weeds, and eventually the site is cleared for use of the living.
The only thing permanent is change. The winds and the rain erode even the mountains. We constantly
walk above the remains of creatures and other forms of living things which no longer exist and have no
awareness of it at all. Life is only for the living. It is an unwritten law of nature and encompasses infinite
wisdom.
Out of the dust of the old rises the new and this has always been so. The old does indeed
nourish the new but this need not be exclusively in the organic sense. Life is only as complex as we
choose to make it. We obscure the simplicity of life with complexity. We fall victim to the urge to be
scientific in all things but there is much without mass which we cannot see, dissect, or scrutinize which
exists none the less. Invariably we are too soon old and too late smart.
Herein I have no wish to make you sad but only realistic. You must experience all the joys and
sadness others have experienced before you and still maintain your will to survive. Try not to seek
failure believing your search is for success. Unless the world changes drastically, that’s what most of
your associates will be doing but more on this subject later. If you succeed in saving mankind from the
results of a dreaded disease you will have also enhanced over-population and starvation. Do all things in
moderation. Consider the destination before you begin the journey. If we could foresee the future,
there is much we would not attempt but it is through repeated failures that we learn a few of the
secrets of true success. Life must have challenges.
As for the future of this book, I must leave it in your hands and depend upon your sense of
caring. Its continued existence will require some sentimental hearts, much protection, and freedom
from what we choose to call the “acts of God”. Not even books endure forever. Fires have ways of
starting and floods do occur. The old is tossed out to make space for the new. Yet, the most destructive
force on the planet is the product of man’s insanity. If you, as an individual, can curb some small portion
of it you will not have lived in vain.
No matter what your age, you live solely because your ancestors lived before you and the seed
from which you grew has been passed down alive since the origin of the species or perhaps even before
it was in its present form. At this particular time, my most important product is my children and I have
six of them. They were also the products of two other people I’ve loved so far in life. For all I know,
there may be yet another at some time in the future. I didn’t plan that there would be more than one
but I haven’t learned to control the destiny of others or even my own.
With reference to this book I have the same feelings expressed by my great-grandfather so shall
trace his words on the next page just as he wrote them. His writing was really not much larger than my
own when he was doing most of it but as he grew older and fell victim to ill health it grew older and it
grew larger until it reached the proportions shown. Perhaps he did not have much more to say in life
and knew his journal would never be completed so there was no point in being conservative with paper.
For most people life does not last much beyond that interval of time in which they are needed by others.
It is not what others can do for you but what you can do for others that really counts.
At fifty-three I feel as though I am just beginning to live. While my memory is in need of vast
improvement my interest in life is gigantic and I soak up new data like a sponge. There is a definite
purpose for this which I am just beginning to understand. Knowledge is never lost. It only seems that
way. Even an idiot can teach you much if you take the time to listen and observe. Be aware of those
who attempt to convince the world they know everything there is to know. Only the wise accept the
fact they are still students.
Quotation:
“I often wonder if any of my children will care for these memorandum books of mine enough to save
them when I am gone. These books in which are written many thoughts that I considered of sufficient
importance to write in a book. They may not be valuable but they may be of sufficient value to save up
if for no other reason for the sake of the writer.”
C.H. Carlton
June 11th, 1884
Please note that my great-grandfather mentioned “books” so he must have had several of them.
If there are others in existence I have no knowledge of the fact. I am inclined to believe that the one I
have was the most important and covered the longest span of time. (1859 to 1884.) It was preserved by
his youngest daughter, Julia, who never married. A number of pages were torn out and from some of
remaining I am of the opinion they were used by someone for jotting down shopping lists. On one page
is an entry made by my great-grandmother as a note to him when she was obviously mad about
something and someone made an attempt to eradicate it. By various means I was able to retrieve a few
words of her entry.
She wrote: “My Dear Husband, I see more trouble trying to manage you than from any ____”
It was probably not a very easy role to manage, to manage either of them. Apart from being a
very serious man he also lived with his mind in a religious cloud. She was quick to anger but a bit more
broad-minded. Somewhere herein I plan to say more about the people of “Melvin”. In spite of slaves, it
was not an easy life.
It has been said that most of the true successes in life come early but I would dispute the validity
of such a statement. The definition of success varies with personal interpretations. It could also be
pointed out that many successful people are failures and many failures are successful people. Perhaps
people can never be sure what was most important to them until the day they die.
We are born without bias but rarely die without it. Few of us have any options we can truly call
our own. We adopt those best suited to our natures from people we respect or admire whether such
opinions are real or imaginary. Fantasy is rarely as strange as fiction tends to make it but truth is
stronger yet. It is about ourselves that we are usually the most ignorant but few are those who have the
intestinal fortitude – guts, if you prefer- to admit it. Your weird assortment of biases, real and
imaginary, will be the judges of what I write and you are likely to have as little control over them as you
have over me. If your religion is hereditary – as most religions are – you will have to do battle with
yourself to believe me. If there are aspects of life you consider dirty you will achieve more by washing
them with soap and water than with words. We are all creatures of instinct, whether we accept it or
not, and you must learn to recognize the clothing any society deems essential to disguise it. Until you
can confront yourself, you will have the utmost difficulty in confronting life. Society is controlled and
manipulated by its fears and not by its courage and bravery. The masses are notorious for being wrong
most of the time. They sell stock with they should be buying it and buy it when they should be selling it.
You should be a leader and not a follower. The greatest discoveries were made by one person, never by
a multitude. Never doubt an opinion solely because you were the first to have it. Of course you would
be wise to prove it if you can.
With all sincerity,
William Courtney Watson
7:52 PM, Eastern Standard Time, July 4, 1979
1.
Comments about my writing --So far I have worn out a couple of typewriters and hope to wear out several more. I can type
faster than I can manipulate other tools of writing but I make typographical errors more frequently than
this way [writing with pen and paper]. My hands and fingers fail to move as rapidly as my thoughts and
most of my typing errors occur through starting another word before the one being typed is completed.
To correct the problem it would be essential to speed up my finger movements or delay my thoughts.
Should time ever seem overly abundant, I shall try to synchronize the two. Until then my readers must
tolerate the current problems or my numerous corrections.
Cursive writing required a waste of effort in forming letters of the alphabet but since the pages
of this volume can not be detached, typing is out of the question. To many this form is considered more
personal so those of you who, whatever your reason, dabble in
2.
graphology, can analyze me at your leisure. My handwriting has been analyzed by experts and I have
done my own analysis but failed to learn anything I didn’t already know.
During my writing I sometimes pause to think and duplicate a word I have already written
before the pause. I have already given you an example of this on page IV of the foreward. You are likely
to see others.
English wasn’t one of my favorite subjects nor was spelling. You will find all sorts of errors if you
look for them herein but I refuse to apologize for any of them. Man is not yet created, he is only in the
process. It suffices if one is functional. I knew very little about English until taking two years of French
but of course I learned very little French. To learn French one must have a French teacher.
Unfortunately mine were American tapes and records in foreign languages were not readily available
when I was young. When I went to France in World War II I could communicate with the French but
only in written form. I didn’t stay among them long enough
3.
to master the language and I was very annoyed – or jealous – because Puerto Ricans could readily pick
up the language in a couple of nights ashore. I failed to see that much likeness in the two languages
even though both are supposedly romantic.
I detest paragraphs and tend to ignore them. They were originated basically for reference
purposes. They restrict the writer and waste his time in needless outlines. By convention he must
separate his thoughts into groups and never inject a new one until finishing an old one. Unfortunately
the mind doesn’t operate in this fashion. One thought is likely to stimulate another on a different
subject and I don’t have time to jot it down and inject it in a more suitable location. If you desire to
rewrite this book to conform with convention you are welcome to the task but please save it as your
personal copy and don’t pass it on to another generation who might wish to know me as I am. I have no
desire to be conventional and I would urge you not to be .
4.
Since being deserted by my second wife I have developed a new form of writing error foreign to
me previously. While I haven’t as yet discovered the cause, I’m familiar with its manifestation. At the
end of a letter, in the middle of a word, I suddenly swing the pen upward as if to begin a ‘t’, an ‘l’, or ‘C’
or some other tall letter. Fortunately for my readers it occurs infrequently. You may take up the matter
with a psychiatrist if you prefer. Chances are, if he doesn’t have a theory on the matter he will develop
one and could become famous for being the first one to do so- even if it’s 100% wrong.
My writing becomes less legible as my effort to produce is speeded up. Even so, I don’t consider
the result to be dangerous. I’ve known a considerable number of doctors who ran into this kind of
problem on the first word of a prescription and that I never considered quite safe. I’m suspicious of the
motives of those who resort to a dead language when prescribing for live people. However it is common
to our time-honored professions.
5.
Having done considerable reading in my life I can recognize writing errors most readily in written
form. As a result I see most of my errors after they have been made. To prevent this volume from
appearing excessively messy I shall refrain from correcting them even when I’m aware of their presence
herein. Many of the great authors of history would have seemed ridiculous in print had it not been for
the staffs of publishers who corrected unintended errors. I trust you will pardon me for not having the
built-in luxury and have the intelligence to grasp my meanings even though they may reach you in
distorted form.
I trust that you are also aware that an underlined word indicates one designated for special
emphasis and in printed form is normally presented in italics.
Today there are people who graduate from public schools who have little or no ability to read or
write and I was most fortunate to graduate at an earlier time, not when teachers were better but before
theorist[s] held sway in education.
6.
Most of my adult writing has been to close friends and associates; letters of a personal nature. I
shall take the liberty of writing this book in letter form and adding a title after each letter is completed
even though it may contain information not appropriately covered in the title. For this reason, and as an
aid to finding something for which you may be searching, I may add subtitles. Should time permit, I may
also add an index at the end of the book.
Please feel entirely free to disagree with me whenever you choose. However, whenever you do,
please do me the honor of investigating your reasons and decide if your disagreement was imposed by
the mores of society or because I appear to be in contradiction of natural law as it has manifested itself
to you empirically. So many of us fail to question what we read in print and go along with any idea
accepted by the masses. Many of the greatest injustices in history were fostered by the will be believe –
falsely.
7.
6 July 1979
Dear Reader,
Yesterday and today have been typical of the frustrations I encounter periodically over petty
financial matters. It was yesterday afternoon that I learned my pay-check for June 22nd failed to reach
the Citizens Bank and Trust Company in Chicago until July 2nd. If duly mailed by the finance and
Accounting office on Ft. Eustis – where I work – it should have reached there not later than June 25th. I
have my check mailed directly there as encouraged by the Department of Army rather than taking it
personally, which enables one check, rather than many, to be written to any one bank.
The U.S. Postal Service is a bureaucratic and inefficient bungling department like most others
and it could well have been a postal problem. My mother was postmistress at Ino, Virginia for eighteen
years and I recall the time when the mail service was efficient and postage rates were reasonable. I
remember when first class mail moved rapidly for 2¢ an ounce. Now, at
8.
15¢ an ounce it takes at least four times as long to reach its destination. I have watched it dispatched on
horse-back and now it moves by jet. Speedier means are rendering slower service. Christmas cards
once were mailed for 1 ½ ¢ if the envelope remained unsealed with the flap tucked in but open or not,
they now go for 15¢. The sales of Christmas Cards have decreased as the postage rates soared but this
has been off-set somewhat by the increase in population. Several years ago the Post Office Department
attempted to speed up parcel post mail by initiating a package-handling machine and it supposedly
destroyed $10,000 worth of mail in just one day. Modernizing methods does not necessarily lead to
improvements.
The Department of Army, the U.S. Postal Service, or a combination of both, have cost me
approximately $15 in unnecessary expense over the past two weeks. I haven’t accumulated any data on
what the government costs me through inefficiency over the period of a year but I hope conditions will
have improved before you reach my age.
Love,
Courtney
9.
7 July 1979
Dear Reader,
In the past three or four weeks I have consumed one book by Erich Von Daniken – “Chariots of
the Gods” – and part of another. I admire the man for daring to think as well as to offer some
progressive new theories on the past exploits of man. In the current book, “Gods From Outer Space”, he
wrote:
“Since the scientific discovery of the DNA double helix, we know that the nucleus of the
gene contains all the information necessary for the construction of an organism. Punched cards are so
familiar today that to simplify things I should like to call the building plan that is programmed in the
nuclei ‘punched cards governing life.’ These punched cards build life according to a very precise time
schedule.”
He asks the question: “Why should there not have been a comprehensive building plan for the
whole of mankind – as for every individual being – since remotest times?”
“Gods From Outer Space” is sure to come under attack as did “Chariots of the Gods”. Clifford
10.
Wilson, M.A., B.D., Ph.D. hastened to write “Crash Go the Chariots” to promote the same lines of
thinking Von Daniken so skillfully sought to denounce. The host of letters behind Wilson’s name
supposedly give him license to argue any point he chooses and with unquestioned expertise. Especially
with Von Daniken, who is an autodidact. I have watched our society become increasingly more given to
the worship of scholastic titles and achievement to its own detriment. It would be very foolish to argue
with the origins of technology which took man to the moon and rockets to the planets of our solar
system but these achievements in no way subtract anything from the writings of Jules Verne who
propelled his heros into space and elsewhere long before it was considered practical to do so in reality.
Jules Verne did much to urge mankind to think as does Von Daniken, but unfortunately I can not give
Clifford Wilson credit for anything beyond enhancing the taboo against thinking. Thought invariably
preceeds action and what man dares not to think what he can never accomplish.
11.
History has a habit of repeating itself and the errors man has made he will probably make again.
We can, to a certain degree, predict the future in terms of the past, but in the world of technology, the
past is no yardstick fro measuring future technological advances except to concede that the distance is
infinite and we have advanced along a short segment of it thus far.
Von Daniken attempts to tie the past to the future but Wilson is more concerned with tying the
past to the past. Wilson quotes the experts who were concerned with matter and not with ideas or
speculation beyond their scholastic knowledge and experience. Those who think like Wilson attempt to
move the Inquisition into the present even though it kept European man in the Dark Ages for centuries.
For every man who dares to think there are literally thousands who would burn him at the stake for
doing so. They are afraid of what they do not comprehend and it matters little how many scholastic
honors have been bestowed upon them. They speak of light but worship the darkness.
12.
If you are a student of the bible read it with your mind open as well as your eyes. Try to avoid
being another Wilson who can look straight at an object but only see it in terms of what some expert –
supposedly – said it was. My father, during those days when I dreamed of flying, often said that if God
had meant men to fly He would have put wings on them and I was quick to point out that had God
meant for men to ride He would have put wheels on them as well. Wilson is credited with being a bible
scholar but much more prepared to demand an eye for an eye rather than turning the other cheek even
if no one has caused him any visual problems. He is programmed to be visually handicapped. Von
Daniken is not. He is a man of the future, not the past. Von Daniken frequently quotes the bible but
interprets it with his mind and eyes open.
Von Daniken’s punch card theory is not beyond the possibility of being fact. The skulls of
ancient man differ from those of man today and one doesn’t have to be an anthropologist to note the
difference. Man is still evolving both mentally and physically and could well continue to do so.
13.
According to the bible God has had His own evolution. If you read the book He supposedly inspired you
will find him growing more humane with the passage of time. You would do well to follow His example
or the one bestowed upon Him by the scribes who, I suspect, were undergoing the same evolution
themselves.
Prehistoric man moved stones we have no equipment to move today and surfaced them far
more precisely than we can do today. Many of the experts say that the blocks used in the building of
the Great Pyramid in Egypt were moved by slaves and oxen using wooden rollers but there was
insufficient population to have done it in the time allotted even if every member of it donated their
entire lives, according to still other experts. Obviously they disagree. One theory contradicts another
and none of them seem capable of proving anything beyond the fact that, although scholars, they have a
great deal left to learn. Faith can supposedly move mountains but I’ve never heard of one moved in that
manner, nor a 20,000 pound stone either.
14.
Even so man can do far more than he is aware of or has been lead to believe. We invalidate our
children and probably devote far more time telling them what they can’t do than what they can do. We
are, of course, following in the footsteps of invalidating parents who invalidated us in the same manner.
If you break down the most dense matter into its component you have atoms and according to
at least one recognized scientist, if you break down the atom you have a system of waves and absolutely
nothing you can see or feel. If you dare to go even further it could be said- and it has been said alreadythat all matter exists because we believe that it does. Why, then, would you refute that there is such a
thing as mind-over-matter? There are minds that have moved matter whether you have witnessed it
being done or not.
Knowledge, like other things, can be lost but can also be found again. We stand on the bring of
discovering so much we have lost. Don’t be another Wilson and block its recovery. That’s possible too!
Love,
Courtney
15.
8 July 1979
Dear Reader,
I have just made my usual week-end phone call to Jupiter, Florida and talked to June Pauline
Zent, my last wife, who paints under that name. She wanted it back in the divorce she sought and I am
glad the court restored it to her. She has a burning desire to be a successful artist, which she is already.
She just hasn’t gotten the national attention and monetary rewards which should go to the producer of
realistic work executed as skillfully as she does it. With the intent to distract anything from her, I’m
pleased that I gave her her first set of oils before we were married and encouraged her as I did and still
do.
Our last four kids were still asleep so I didn’t get the opportunity to talk to any of them as I
would have liked to have done. June was the only one in the family who was up at the crack of dawn
but the kids love to “sleep in” on week-end days just as I do.
Berrie had received his mechanical pencil he wanted so much when I saw him last month and
was delighted with a physics book I mailed at the same time. He will be nine years old in a couple of
months and is ahead of me in interests relevant to those I had at his current age. This was primarily
because there was no one around to stimulate them in me. My mother and other members of our
family wanted to groom me to be a preacher, doctor, or dentist- in that order- and I had no interest in
being any of them. Children know what they want to do at a tender age and should not be distracted
from following their pre-dispositions. We are born with our “punch card” of destiny and it shouldn’t be
tampered with beyond keeping them alive and healthy. If they show a proclivity for dangerous pursuits
they have a need for it and are not necessarily stupid.
Berrie was named in honor of my best friend for many years, Berrie Hall, and has the middle
name Carlton which you already know is a family name. In mathematics he tests so high he is beyond
the scope of the testing procedure for kids his age.
I asked June if she knew of any book I could send Addie (Adieren June) since the girls appear to
be jealous of the fact that I sent him a book without sending them something. June suggested
something on Chemistry.
17.
Addie and Holly (Holly Frances) were initiated into the National Junior Honor Society on the 15th of last
month. Addie will soon be 13 and is in a special class which is doing 11th grade high school work.
Beyond her scholastic achievements she is also endowed with more than average common sense for
which mankind has not yet established a special class.
Holly now wants private flute lessons. She tests in the top 5% of intellect for kids approaching
14 and has shown an above-average ability in karate, or, I should say: aptitude. When she was a baby
she was without patience when she became hungry which she could become very suddenly. She is an
excellent student with varied interests and shows considerable talent as an artist. I must find her a good
book on Karate soon and get it in the mail to her.
Billy (Junior) is now on vacation from the special school he attend in Florida for children with
special problems. He is classified as autistic but in a recent evaluation by a psychologist he shows the
greatest potential for being retrieved. The medical
18.
And psychiatric world have no cure for autism but this doesn’t mean that it doesn’t exist. We just
haven’t managed to isolate it yet. Billy is a lovable little boy who will be 12 in November and in his own
way is more special than his brother and sisters. I credit Billy with having a very special “punch card”
and he has a very special purpose in life falls into a special category. I have theories of what he is here
for which I haven’t proven as yet and will not go into at this writing.
My report from Florida today was what I would call good in spite of June’s struggle for survival
which is not vastly different from my own in many respects. We keep the lines of communication open
and this is a vital necessity for the children. I doubt that they would accomplish nearly so much
scholastically or otherwise without it.
June has two other older children by a previous marriage and both are in Jupiter but on their
own. Via Marlene, June is expecting her second grandchild. Her son, David, has a little girl who was 3
on July 3rd but she is in Michigan with his former wife, Maria. David is working on a surveying team and
going to college at the same time.
19.
I wish I could be close to the kids but can not afford a change of jobs unless I can better myself
financially. Until such time as June has some financial success, I’m not prone to jeopardize the family
security. She wants to follow her own predispositions in life and I can not agree with that even if it
means giving my own secondary consideration. In the long-term sense I don’t believe there is any
justification for improving ourselves or our lot in life at the expense of others and especially so if they
can ill afford it. Kids are still my most important product. They have many hardships but hardships are
not entirely bad. My kids are unspoiled and self-sufficient and these are two prerequisites to a
moderately satisfying survival. Those who have everything often wind up with nothing. Life wasn’t
designed to be easy. History has proven that well enough. Even steel is tempered to give it strength.
Billy doesn’t have to be self-sufficient yet and I somehow feel that when that time comes he will be able
to handle it.
Love,
Courtney
Aerial Trip to Florida
20.
8 July 1979
Dear Reader,
Just saw Tom Dunno, a friend of short acquaintance, and his wife, Carolyn. He makes his living
spotting fish from the air and has two planes. One is a single-engine Cessna and the other is a twinengine Piper Apache he bought solely to get 100 hours of multi-engine flight time and his multi-engine
rating. He was a helicopter pilot in the Vietnamese War and has since acquired all of the civil ratings
issued by the Federal Aviation Agency. As he and Carolyn were flying to Florida I became an aerial hitchhiker and went with them on the 22nd of June in order to see the kids again after not having seen them
since late in April.
We left two hours later than planned from Patrick Henry Airport in Newport News in the
Apache. We had scattered clouds at take-off and soon climbed above them to 8,500 feet which we
maintained until approaching the Atlantic north of Myrtle Beach, South Carolina. It was a very
comfortable and stable airplane and I occupied the co-pilot’s seat southbound.
21.
It was my first cross-country experience in a light aircraft in many years and also a very
enlightening one. Flying has changed a great deal from the nineteen-fifties when I as a week-end pilot
with Berrie Hall. We were the co-owners of two planes, a 1942 Tayorcraft BC-12D and a Waco UPF-7.
We also shared another which belonged exclusively to Berrie. It was a Luscombe 8A and my favorite of
the light-planes of that day due to its strength and speed but not for its comfort. I was first a co-owner
of a new Aeronca Champion 7AC with Wendell Yingling of Hanover, Pennsylvania who shared many
thousand sea miles with me aboard merchant ships before I became an officer. We bought it in New
Orleans in 1946.
Before reaching the lower limits of Virginia it was mostly overcast and we could only see the
ground now and then but looking down on the cloud deck was a beautiful sight. The Apache was well
instrumented and we navigated most of the trip via radio omni-ranges. The Apache also had a radio
homing receiver but we had no need for it.
22.
The most tiring part of the flight was the lack of visibility. The smog and haze level has moved
up to six thousand feet or more from the fifteen hundred foot level of my flying experience. Of course
thunder-storms were threatening and it might not have been a typical day. The visibility is always bad in
warm weather due to the amount of moisture the heated air will hold. We flew along the seacoast at a
lower altitude until we landed for fuel at Hilton Head, South Carolina which is the playground for
millionaires and affluent society. I saw Ft. Sumter as we passed it.
When we became airborne again the sun was almost set and we received reports of
thunderstorms in the vicinity of Jacksonville further south. Tom had no desire to be caught in heavy
turbulence and instrument conditions at night so we decided to land at Savannah and spend the night.
As we taxied in we saw the jet belonging to Kenny Rogers, the country-western singer, with his name
painted on the engine pods. Tom estimated its cost at about $8,000,000.
23.
A nearby motel dispatched a courtesy car to retrieve us from the airport and we had dinner in their notso-inexpensive restaurant. Without our own wheels we were somewhat at the mercy of the
management.
After breakfast the courtesy car returned us to the field where Kenny Roger’s jet was warming
up for take-off. He arrived a few minutes after we did and walked by me at close range with six tennis
rackets under his arm. The driver who took us to the airport said he had been to see his concert the
night before. We took off before he did and I watched his jet speeding down the runway from the air.
The air-traffic controller cleared him up to 7,000 feet but I didn’t catch his destination.
During the morning the sky around Savannah was almost free of clouds but the visibility had not
improved very much. We began seeing scattered clouds south of Jacksonville but stayed clear of most
of them by flying just east of the beach.
24.
Tom’s and Carolyn’s destination was Ft. Pierce but Tom offered to take me to Stuart a few miles
further south. A rain shower was approaching the Ft. Pierce airport when we landed to let Carolyn out
so she could call her parents for transportation. An even heavier downpour was approaching the field at
Stuart when we turned toward it and we failed to get down before the shower hit. For all practical
purposes Tom landed blind but it was still a good landing. When he attempted to take off again it was
still raining too hard so he lost ten minutes or more waiting for the rain to slacken. Someone brought an
umbrella out to the plane so I could get out without getting soaked. I watched Tom climb out and head
for the beach again until he disappeared into the haze.
The flight south made me aware of some of the problems now facing pilots and Air Traffic
Controllers. The dangers have vastly increased in direct proportion to the number of aircraft in the air.
The pilots are better trained than I was but a large number of private aircraft do not have the equipment
which should now be mandatory.
25.
Where instrumentation is concerned, the middle-class private pilot can no longer afford it. I
could see the developing cause years ago. More and more corporations were buying their own aircraft
and writing off the cost as well as the maintenance and storage as income tax deductions. The “weekend” pilot could not afford corporate prices nor could he write off anything. To fly at all he had to buy a
used plane unless he was rich and not using an aircraft for business purposes. Most often they were ten
or more years old and suffering from neglect. At the end of World War II it was predicted that
“everybody” would have their own plane but it never happened so the cost never became low enough.
Light aircraft do not easily lend themselves to mass production techniques. The government flooded
the market with surplus military aircraft but the Federal Aviation Agency required that most of them
have modifications the private pilot couldn’t afford and the cost of their operation and maintenance
was astronomical. In many cases the private pilot was forced into flying clubs for economic reasons.
The cost of renting a plane has moved up from about $6.00 an hour in 1946 to $20.00 an hour now for a
small two-seater with low power. Fixed base operators did well as long as ex-military men used their
“G.I. Bill” for pilot training and thus aircraft rentals.
Except for new aircraft arriving from their factories fully-equipped, most light aircraft are lacking
something. Unless equipped with a radio transponder which not only makes them visible horizontally
but also vertically they can not be easily pin-pointed to Aircraft Controllers so they can, in turn, inform
pilots of well-equipped aircraft where their nearest traffic is. We had several aircraft reported to us
southbound at 12 o’clock (dead ahead of us), going in the opposite direction, which we never saw. Not
always getting a report on their altitude – which was vital information – we don’t know how many near
misses we had. In these days of poor visibility all pilots should fly at IFR (Instrument Flight Rules)
altitudes but they don’t. This increases the tensions in safe pilot and the possibility of mid-air collisions.
27.
20 July 1979
Since the previous entry there have been two mid-air collisions I have, by chance, heard about.
No one survived in any of the four aircraft involved. I have heard of no reports that the FAA has
tightened up its regulations. Jets fly above the weather unless there are high altitude thunderstorms
too large for them to be practical to get around. Even so they must climb through clouds and haze on
instruments and make descents the same way. With today’s volume of passengers on airliners, the
threat to human life is very great.
Most aircraft have very poor visibility for the pilot due to the way they are constructed and this
especially holds true for airliners. A short time ago a loaded passenger jet collided with a small plane in
California while making a landing approach. Forward visability below the nose of the aircraft is nonexistent. To date it was the worst disaster in American aviation history. It is my opinion that a pilot
should have 180° of visibility in all directions. On an airliner this would be practical provided that
28.
Instrument flying was done by a pilot located elsewhere in the aircraft. Instrumentation is too complex
on large aircraft to allow room for it and visibility too. At sea, ships are required to have look-outs on
duty whenever the visibility is poor. Aircraft should have them continuously so long as cockpit design
remains the same. The observer should be a pilot and capable of over-riding the controls of other pilots.
Three or four instruments would suffice for emergency operation of the aircraft. Of course airlines
would oppose such a thing because of additional salaries involved.
June drove me to Ft. Pierce, with Berrie along, to save Tom having to pick me up for the return
flight from Stuart. We arrived at the airport early and had time to grab a bite to eat before Tom arrived.
I couldn’t get into the Apache until Tom arrived with the key but we did untie it and Berrie looked at the
interior through one of the side windows.
After Tom arrived he wanted to take Berrie up for a ride but as it later turned out, there just
wasn’t enough time. Of course Berrie was disappointed and I was very sorry he couldn’t ride in the
Apache. He has only flown once. Tom, my former son-in-law, took each of the kids from the second
family up except Billy, from a field in Merritt Island, Florida flying a Cessna 150. He has since built up
considerable interest in flying and I encourage him as best I can. Berrie cried when I boarded the
Apache for the take off but not because he was disappointed about the plane ride. He just didn’t want
to see me go nor was I pleased to leave him behind.
The visibility north-bound was worse than it was south-bound but it was acceptable because we
stayed out over the water. We were also flying below the haze level but the threat of thunderstorms
made that more practical. I rode in the rear seat and took an occasional nap. We retraced the same
route but went into Wilmington, N.C. to refuel. Even before we got there we knew the weather was
getting worse. We spent the night in Wilmington. It rained most of the night and the storm was quite
large, reaching up to 47,000 feet.
30.
We had a nice dinner in the motel restaurant after having been provided transportation into
town. In an effort to get an early start in the morning we left the motel via taxi before dawn but the rain
hadn’t ceased at 4:00 AM as predicted. We had breakfast in Wilmington’s terminal building and walked
to the Apache where we had a nap. After daylight the ceiling was still only about 300 feet. The
Piedmont Airlines flights were taking off on instruments.
Realizing we had a wait for our kind of weather we went back to the terminal building where
one of the men from the weather bureau invited us to see the storm on the radar. We also saw other
weather data and some interesting infra-red photographs taken from the weather satellite circling the
planet. The infra-red film showed the Gulf Stream along the coast very well and also the cold currents
approaching Cape Hatteras from the north. During my sailing days we always anticipated bad weather
at Cape Hattaras and were rarely disappointed. I got my first bosun’s job aboard the “S.S.Mission San
Antonio”
31.
Because the original bosun for the voyage was thrown against the super-structure by the sea and both
of his legs were broken trying to get the loaded tanker by Cape Hatteras. A detachable railing had come
loose and he was attempting to secure it when a heavy sea came over the side and caught him
unprepared.
We didn’t take off until around 2:00 PM and climbed through the broken clouds to fly between
two layers. Eventually the upper deck disappeared and we broke out on top of the lower deck into
sunshine. Shortly after I could see Lake Drummond in the Dismal Swamp area south of Norfolk. We
came straight in on the runway at Patrick Henry in nice weather but not entirely free of smog.
Tom put oil into his Cessna 172 and immediately took off to spot fish. Carolyn dropped me off
at home thus ending the trip. I wasn’t glad to back.
Love,
Courtney
32.
Gina Cerminara & Reincarnation
21 August 1979
Dear Reader,
Last night I went to hear a lecture on reincarnation by Gina Cerminara accompanied by Berrie
Hall; his former step-son Robert Norman, and his girlfriend, Imagine (Ino) Cramer. The lecture was
presented at the Edgar Cayce Foundation (Association for Research and Enlightenment, (A.R.E) in
Virginia Beach.)
I especially wanted to see Gina in person as I read a couple of her books many years ago and
was impressed by them. I expected her to appear much older as she already had a Ph.D. and did
research on the Cayce phenomena for several years before Cayce died in January of 1945. She was
among the first writing professionals to take Cayce’s readings seriously. Gina looked to be in her midfifties and from where I sat- in the rear of the room- I couldn’t detect any grey in her hair. The subject of
her lecture was: Reincarnation: Hollywood Takes a Closer Look. I was disappointed that she didn’t
allow any tape recording as I was prepared to tape it. The Foundation was recording it for reproduction
and the sale of the tapes.
33.
Robert was the only one of us who had criticism to offer. He said she presented no proof of
reincarnation but thinks as he was trained to think- with a cloud mind. Anyone would do well to take
the advice of Sir Francis Bacon and at least weigh and consider. It would be difficult for Gina to
demonstrate reincarnation to Robert unless she killed him and in that event he would still be getting
only half of the experience. Even if Gina had been willing to take such drastic action I have reservations
that Robert really wanted proof that badly.
Berrie is an intelligent fellow with a highly developed analytical mind but feels he must have
something to lean on and Christianity serves his purpose well enough. Gina pointed out that biblical
references to reincarnation were eradicated during the 6th century A. D. – even though several were
missed – but Berrie took little or no interest in the fact, probably because he never read any of the
accounts of what took place in Constantinople when the leaders of Christianity got together and decided
what would be fact and what wouldn’t be.
34.
It is my opinion that Imo enjoyed the lecture most of all. Her resistance to non-adherance to
religious dogma lies at the subconscious level and sneaks out when she isn’t really thinking about it. A
psychologist would probably say she has a highly developed super-ego.
Gina discussed several films which have been produced in Hollywood over the past decade or
two and gave some background on what the writers were out to accomplish since she had met most of
the authors personally. I hadn’t seen any of the movies but will see them if I get the chance at some
future time.
She also discussed what has been accomplished in the way of problem-solving by those who
have remembered past lives without regard to the method of achieving recall. What Freud discovered
about this phenomena is still valid. Only that which we don’t remember causes us considerable pain
and difficulty. I shall write more on this subject at a later time.
Love,
Courtney
35.
22 August 1979
Dear Reader,
As a follow-up to the presiding entry, many years ago a number of supposedly good people were
accustomed to saying, “If you don’t believe in something, you’ll fall for anything.” What they really
meant was, “If you don’t believe as I do, you’re likely to fall for something I don’t agree with.” They
don’t bother to clarify what “something” refers to but most frequently it has a religious connotation.
It is rarely said that incredulity is as essential as credulity. This is especially true in scientific
research but has application elsewhere as well. Theory usually precedes the truth and they theory
which appears reasonable to the largest number of people is normally accepted as valid whether it is or
not. At any point in time man makes the perpetual error of believing that most of what he believes is
valid. History consistently proves him wrong but history rarely has the strength of ego. Proof is very
difficult to acquire. Acquisition of that which appears to be truth is only illusion all too often.
36.
Faith – in anything – serves some purpose in life although not necessarily the purpose one
believes. [no pun intended…. (Berrie here)] Faith can be a stable datum provided it can be shifted into
something else wherein it would be more beneficial to survival. Of course this shift need not be made
hastily nor frequently. If you are an aberrated member of society chances are good that you will try to
please yourself without really knowing what your unaberrated self demands. This is must unfortunate.
This subject is very complex but not beyond a logical explanation to those who can be logical. Being
logical is a primary disability.
Most of us believe as our peers do and are therefore in error to the degree that they are. Our
education is geared toward what we should believe, rather than how to think – which is considered to
be an automatic process. It also follows that we are correct to the degree that our peers are. We are
frowned upon if we show very much incredulity about accepted norms for they are the stable datum of
the average and he average deplores change. The thinker can easily become a “witch” in the sense of
being unacceptable.
37.
Being average is the path of least resistance which requires minimum effort. The masses are
composed of average people. They are the mechanism of industry and rarely the founders of it or of
anything else which initiates any radical departure from the accepted norm. The easiest way to defeat a
politician is to give him a radical label. This immediately generates a widespread fear of him. Most
recently it was used to defeat Henry Howell who was running for governor of Virginia. The entrenched
political machinery was making too much money and not eager to see any change. In this particular
case the fear of the leaders equaled the fear of the masses but for different reasons.
If you can not doubt, you can fall victim to anything. To be realistic thinker you should weigh
and consider. You can make the most money in the stock market by buying when others are in a selling
panic – unless the nation is plunging into a depression. If you believe everything you are told prepare
yourself to be victimized.
38.
Religions are one of my pet peeves because they are primarily dogmatic and hereditary. They
are more ritual than real but very profitable an useful to their promoters. Any religion which is contrary
to natural law is false and you can anticipate that it will advocate substitutes for natural law and
contend that its laws are creeds are indeed natural law. They are not extremely difficult to test if you
are an alert observer of human nature. Such religions also serve a nationalistic purpose and are used to
rally the populace to indulge in insane wars “for God and country.” Their prayers are monotonous and
beg of God to do for man what man is capable of doing for himself if he bothered to find out how.
That entity we depict as God is not insane and could not possibly desire to be worshipped by
earthlings seeking to duplicate their weak ancestors who were eager to pass their problems to anyone
who would solve them beyond self.
Love,
Courtney
39.
24 August 1979
Dear Reader,
After re-reading the past two entries I am aware that I should never attempt to write anything
when pressed for time. The entry on pages 33 thru 38 should be re-written or better stated elsewhere.
People are governed by forces they do not as yet understand. There are those who question everything
and those who question nothing, plus a multitude in between. We are overly subject-orientated. We
can be open-minded on one and closed-minded on another. You could say that people are different but
if you do you are making reference to their superficial manifestations. It has been said that there is
some good in the worst of us and some bad in the best of us. All humans are ethical at the “I” level if
they ever achieve the capacity to confront life and overcome their fears. At the current stage of
development man is dominated by fear. Much that we fear is unreal- a fantasy. Lloyds of London
became rich and famous by insuring people against things which rarely happen.
Love,
Courtney
40.
Matrimony
25 August 1979
Dear Reader,
After two marriages and six kids I have finally bothered to check the definition of Matrimony in
the dictionary. (Britannica World Language Edition of Funk & Wagnall’s Standard Dictionary, page 786 of
volume I, copyright 1962.) It said, “A card game played by any number of persons’ – “ and that would
sound reasonable if you omitted the word” “card.” Unfortunately I don’t have a Latin dictionary or I
might be able to get to its root and probably impress you that I really know something as so many
writers do. Latin is a dead language and I probably don’t have a Latin dictionary because I’m still alive.
Funeral directors probably include them in their funeral bils and thus increase their already exorbitant
prices. Still, if I did have such a dictionary I would probably find that Matri-money is derived from some
word meaning mattress and some other word meaning money. Mattress could be a symbol of rest and
contentment, lumps, broken springs, and many other things. Money could be considered a symbol of
riches, greed, etc. but money is not evil itself; it depends upon how you use it.
41.
I’m not really surprised at what I have learned about matrimony both empirically and from the
dictionary. People in general have a very distorted view of what it’s all about but this is primarily
because they were reared in the same culture I was wherein few total the truth because they didn’t
know what the truth was except relevant to a limited number of subjects. If I offend you by trying to
clear up the matter you should move on to the next subject as soon as you begin to clash with my
opinions. My apologies if you have already transgressed beyond such a point.
All of my life I have heard of holy matrimony and holy mackerel but nothing in my experience
has confirmed that either one is holy. Should you contend, as so many do, that marriages are made in
heaven you must still be single, grew up in an orphanage, or hold heaven in very low esteem. It is no my
intention to suggest that marriage can not be a happy estate but the odds in favor of it are low; they
really aren’t worth mentioning – unless you have attained the state of “clear”.
42.
Don’t jump to the conclusion that I don’t advocate marriage because I do. Children need two
parents on a full time basis until they are on their own. Please note that I said “parents”, not “people”.
Even so, I must make exceptions to this approach. Thus far society hasn’t done a successful job of
training kids to become parents. A great deal of what they need to know is taboo. Parents treat it as
the government treats “top secret” information and supposedly release it on a “need to know” basis but
fail to recognize that there is ever any need to know on the part of any but an extremely rare few. Many
parents couldn’t raise a cat as independent as cats can be. The responsibility is thrust upon them long
before they have learned how to handle it. I refer not only to the physical and monetary responsibility
but especially the emotional one. Some parents die of old age without knowing how.
By the same token there are kids parents would be better off without. For years psychologists
have been blaming parents and/or the environment for how some kids behave while there are other
kids with the same parents in the same environment who don’t have the same problems. In the
43.
light of knowledge which should be acceptable, kids have more control over who their parents will be
and what sort of parents they will be than parents have in choosing their children. This, however, is not
a discourse on society’s short-comings, as numerous as they are.
To a degree, young people are correct in wanting to get married and have a family. Once the
family was the cornerstone of society. Now it is the swaying and crumbling chimney. Divorce is still
more prevalent in large cities than in smaller ones and less prevalent yet in rural areas. Why is this so?
Primarily because the density of population in urban areas makes it far easier for an unhappy person to
find a more suitable substitute for the current spouse. However, this is only the tip of the iceburg.
So many people are basically unhappy, want to be miserable – at least subconsciously – and are
attracted to people who will fulfill their unacknowledged dreams. There are accounts in psychoanalytic
case histories of women marrying men who pushed them, in their wheel-chair, down he stairs who
divorced them only to find another who did the same thing.
44.
History has a strange way of repeating itself. The best safeguard against this is to know yourself first. If
you don’t learn about you and how to love yourself it is very unlikely that you will ever learn very much
about anyone else or learn to love them. Yet, there is still more.
You are also governed by your instincts even if you refuse to admit you have any. When you
meet someone and fall madly in love chances are excellent that you are hallucinating. It has been said
that marriage is an institution and love is blind so it therefore follows that marriage is an institution of
the blind. When two people are accordingly blind they have a chance of staying happy indefinitely
provided they never get their vision restored. Many happy marriages fall into this category. It is a
fortunate child who is born into one of them.
It is my sacred duty to warn you not to fall into the sin trap. It has nothing to do with fidelity or
infidelity as this society contends. The source of true morality is not the church nor a body of laws
legislated into being. It is the structure of self at the deeper levels.
45.
The noted Saint Paul never said anything about the possibility of marriage being happy. He merely
recommended it as a means to circumvent fornication upon which he was extremely fixated. Yet, I
suspect that a great number of people get married just to please Saint Paul. The concept of sin is, in my
estimation, one of the most cruel concepts ever originated and largely responsible for the existence of
many prisons and mental institutions. To endorse this concept sets you up for more guilt than you can
safely handle and leads many to seek punishment via any means open to them. The only escape from
self is through knowledge but be careful about your sources. The day has not yet arrived when you can
find it in just one book but you, dear reader, may live to see such a book.
In closing this epistle, I must add that if you would be happy you should devote yourself totally
to making someone else happy on an unrelinquishing basis. You can only reap what you sow so don’t let
the weeds get you down.
Love,
Courtney
46.
26 August 1979
Dear Reader,
This is a special note to a young lady who mistakenly thought I passed out Playboy articles. (It’s a
magazine, in case you other readers in distant years don’t know.) I have nothing against Playboy. There
are those who would say Playboy is pornographic but that is a difficult word for anyone but a preacher
to define. As brother Dave Gardner – a great philosopher disguised as a comedian once said, “If there is
anything bad in the world, a preacher is gonna find it first!” Playboy is merely a magazine about what
some young ladies aren’t wearing these days. It is a trifle more difficult to learn what old ladies aren’t
wearing. They must not be considered very photogenic which is down-right insulting if you could ever
persuade one to admit it.
Someone once determined that the Ladies’ Temperance League is primarily composed of latent
alcoholics and a few experts have expressed the opinion that the insulted ladies I just mentioned are the
ones behind the anti-pornographic movement.
47.
The warfare against pornography has been raging for years but such should be anticipated in
this society. Once you create a taboo you create vast amounts of interest in its subject matter. To
remove the interest, it is only necessary to remove the taboo. When the taboo against pornography
was removed in Denmark and the “plain brown wrappers” were stripped from the material, the sales of
this material dropped drastically as one should expect. You can make something harmful by suggesting
that it is. (This comes under the classification of “Mental Poisoning” well covered in the book by the
same name published by the Roscrucians.)
Lock up a room in your house and make it taboo for anyone to enter and it will be the room
everybody will want to get into. When the country legislated prohibition people became alcoholics who
never thought of drinking before. The more sex is considered dirty, the greater our water shortage
becomes. If the public approach is not changed most of us might die of thirst yet!
Love,
Courtney
P.S. One gal I know went to see a hair dresser but ??????
48.
26 August 1979
Dear Reader,
My maternal grandfather, who died when I was ten, was a master of telling ghost stories and
made my dark bedroom frightening many nights. Yet, in all my years I’ve never seen a ghost nor heard a
noise which could be considered paranormal. This has been very disappointing. At least momentarily I
would be frightened if I awakened some night to find I had company in the form of a light transmitting
figure of human form I could also see through. Most spirit figures have too much to do to bother about
haunting the living. They are glad to be beyond the limitations of a physical body. I doubt that they
would return voluntarily. Yet, there is little proof that they have actually gone anywhere. It is only
matter which can not occupy the space of other matter. When I am dead I trust that some of you will be
brave enough to come to see me while you’re still alive even if I don’t bother to return the visit. Robert
Monroe and others have supposedly done so.
49.
Such things fascinate me and I’m eager to acquire the ability to duplicate their
accomplishments. Fear of death is primarily a fear of the unknown and when you become fully aware
that you do survive death you will have conquered it and removed its sting. Material things have very
poor durability and a body is no exception. I was composed of $1.89 worth of materials but I recently
learned that inflation has pushed the value up to $7.28. Many people pay more than ten times that
much for a dog. Human bodies aren’t really worth much, living or dead. Even so, rare are those who
would give them up voluntarily. This applies to ant and elephants alike.
Man has always lived in a materialistic age but never more so than now. We are evaluated for
more in terms of material possessions than in accomplishments. Satisfaction with life is at a low ebb
except for a very few but this will change. You can count on it. I am one on a team making it happen.
50.
So few take note of the degree to which a physical body is worshipped nor do they take any
effort in really taking care of it. This is indeed a paradox. On a personal basis we primarily take a
cosmetic approach; wrapped up in the way things look rather than how they really are – physically or
otherwise. Very little is done to even show affection for one’s self until overcome by illness and general
neglect. John Doe expects a pill to cure all of his irresponsibility to self. He takes far better care of his
automobile. Hunger drives him to feed it and if no such thing existed human life span would be indeed
short.
If you are wondering what this has to do with ghosts allow me to say; quite a bit if you are trying
to create one out of yourself. Don’t be so impatient! If you are bored start looking around for a house
to haunt. Be fussy. You may need it for centuries.
Love,
Courtney
51.
28 August 1979
Dear Reader,
Sunday was the most exciting and stimulating day to come my way for a long time. Except for
the morning when I was home to check in with June and the kids, via telephone, I spent it in Virginia
Beach.
I enjoyed the evening the most and particularly an hour of conversation with a fellow who has
the nickname, Nate. We were discussing out-of-the-body-experiences (OOBEs), since he has
experienced a few, and past lives. At the present state of man’s development few people have any
reality on these subjects.
For an audience we had a young nurse who listened but didn’t believe a word we said. “I want
to die and go to heaven”, she said. Most of the people in Western Civilization have been wanting the
same thing for hundreds of centuries but there is no evidence that they have gotten their wish but much
that they haven’t. They just aren’t ready for it yet. If nothing else we gave the young lady more to think
about than she had been exposed to for a long time.
52.
I now wonder what time she may have fallen asleep Monday morning.
Nate said that he had been an atheist all of his life but I really doubt that he was. In matters of
religion, as much evidence is required to disprove something as to prove it. Any sort of evidence which
would be acceptable in court is sadly lacking no matter which of the two extremes you might be inclined
to take as your opinion. This is the point. Opinions are unacceptable. In a court of law you are
commanded to speak soley in terms of what you witnessed. What you heard and what you read is not
proof if it came to you indirectly. I have heard a number of people say they have seen God but I haven’t,
so my empirical knowledge of a deity is absolute zero. Dreams don’t count. At least not to me.
Apparently God doesn’t consider me a good listener nor a good conversationalist.
53.
You may note that I use the word supposedly quite frequently. It means I can’t swear to what I
am about to point out. For instance, this is supposedly a true story:
When Abraham Lincoln was running for office he was steadfastly opposed by the clergy but he
won in spite of them. Later, in Washington one of them wrote Mr. Lincoln stating that God had appeared
to them and instructed them- or perhaps just him- that Mr. Lincoln should be contacted about taking
some particular action which was spelled out. Mr. Lincoln wrote back to them/him saying that if God
considered it important enough He would have contacted him directly.
Obviously God has me in the same category as Mr. Lincoln and probably for the same reasons. I don’t
have any assurance or witnesses that those claiming to have been contacted by God have been
contacted either. Imagination can become so strong- coupled with desire- that it participates in the
construction of fantasies which can seem real even if they are not. People dying of thirst can see water
on a desert. The mirage.
54.
Whenever the body becomes depleted in what it needs many different kinds of hallucinations
occur. If you went out into a wilderness and fasted for forty days I wouldn’t accept what you supposedly
saw, heard, or otherwise experienced. Someone else might. Apparently biblical writers were far more
credulous than I am even though I don’t see this as in the best interest of themselves or those who read
their material with their eyes closed.
Nate was nagged by two sons to get into Scientology but, like most of us, he had been fooled so
many times he couldn’t believe what they tried very hard to convince him of. Both sons went “clear”-
which means free of aberrations- and gained so many abilities he began to feel foolish by comparison.
One day he packed a suitcase and departed for the Scientology base in Clearwater, Florida and returned
“clear” himself. He didn’t believe past lives until he began remembering them. Of thirteen severe
sources of aberrations, twelve were in past lives. The first couple of past lives he found himself
remembering were charged off to fantasy from a movie plot or story he had read but the third was so
real he was obliged to face reality.
55.
In the midst of a process called OT-TRO he found himself exteriorized and viewing his body from
a spot near the ceiling in the same room. At was a considerable shock and he was “snapped back”- as
he said- by fear. It happened again in another procedure. As I have said before, trying to confront fear
is a basic human difficulty.
If everyone new alive could exteriorize for just long enough to be convinced they are not
dreaming it would bring about a drastic change in traditional beliefs. Many materialistic concepts would
vanish. Mankind would cease to practice so much dogma which has become accepted and even
considered necessary. Man would no longer say he has a soul but has, instead, a body. Genetic lines
would lose their exaggerated importance. “What’s in a name?” Carrying this questioning still further,
what’s in a body?
When I exteriorize I’ll tell you about it. I won’t say if. The capacity is there for those who seek it.
Love,
Courtney
56.
31 August 1979
Dear Reader,
I’m at Dunkin Donuts on my way home from Virginia Beach. Few places have as good coffee. It
always reminds me of the best I ever tasted. I went into a little restaurant in Honduras or Guadamalawhich was really someone’s living room converted into one- and asked for a cup of coffee. The lady
brought it to me and it tasted so good I asked to see how it was made. Since she spoke little English I
had difficulty making myself understood. Finally, after I succeeded in getting the message across, she
beckoned me into the kitchen.
On a wood-burning stove was a copper kettle to which she pointed. It was my opinion that it
was the vessel in which the water was boiled so I continued to push to see how the coffee was made.
She lifted the top and with a long-handled spoon reached to the bottom of the kettle and withdrew a
few coffee beans. They were still whole, not cracked or ground. Very likely they were from the latest
crop and may have come from very close by.
57.
We hauled many tons of them back to New Orleans, along with mahogany logs, on board the MV
Emerald Knot which was a Lykes Brothers ship chartered to United Fruit Co. for two voyages.
One of these voyages we stopped at Havana, Cuba to discharge a cargo of trucks without cabs or
bodies on them. The Cubans would work for about two hours and take time out for a s . Following
one of them a Cuban driver who was one of several driving them along the dock to shore, while far from
being awake, backed one overboard and it took hours to fish the truck out of the water.
The year was 1946 and Cuba was a mecca for American tourists. They were attracted by the
beaches, hotels, and gambling casinos, plus the night life. I took a Cuban girl to see a stage play in
Spanish and of course I didn’t understand a word of it. Almost every store had a bar in it and the drinks
were on the house. (Primarily rum for which Cuba was famous with its nationally and internationally
known Bacardi distilleries.) The motive was to get the tourists intoxicated and sell them whatever the
store had to sell.
58.
This was the standard procedure even for firms which didn’t operate a place of business for retail
merchandise.
There was a tale about a ship Master who got “three sheets to the wind” and bought over $100
worth of pineapples when a dollar was worth face value or more in foreign countries. (The purchase
was from a Cuban ship chandler.) Supposedly every locker on the vessel was packed with pineapples
and upon opening any one of them there was an onslaught of pineapples. Since he was supposedly
buying them for the vessel’s stores, he was fired upon arrival back in the United States for using such
poor judgement.
I have many stories to tell about my life at sea but it seems appropriate to put them into a
separate book of this kind. Those were the days when I didn’t listen to my peers and as a result I
elevated myself from Messboy to Second Officer and would have made Master had I not made the
mistake of sailing for the Army during World War II. Never listen to your peers unless [they] have
ambition and worthwhile goals.
Love,
Courtney
59.
2 September 1979
Dear Reader,
“The only equipment which man has found useful, and which will repay the cost of
transportation, is an unbiased, open mind, logical reasoning, genuine common sense, and a calm,
reflective brain. Anything else on the voyage into the unknown upon which we are now about to
embark is simply useless, costly deadweight, hence, so far as modern science is concerned, the less the
reader has, the better.”
The above paragraph is by “Zolar”, whose first name I don’t really know, “The Dean of
Astrologers”, and would have been appropriate for beginning this book as it was for the preface of his
own: “The Encyclopedia to Ancient and Forbidden Knowledge”. I have had little interest in astrology
thus far in life but must take another look after reading “The Jupiter Effect”. Collectively, man is far
more noted for falsities than for truth. It is now coming to light that our fellow planets in our solar
system not only influence our weather, our “acts of God”, but also us; far more than I had previously
believed. We have far more theories than at any time in recorded history but still very little data which
is valid.
60.
We are still in the “Dark Ages” and see little further than the beams of flashlights will illuminate
the darkness of the unknown. Any knowledge which is not the product of scientific laboratories,
conducted by scientists, and repeatable at will, is considered false. We are uncovering the secrets of the
universe but only at a snail’s pace. Ego, as manufactured in scholastic institutions, is still the chain which
binds us to materialism and materialistic concepts. “Theology” is a good word to identify the clergy with
the theorists in other fields. Admittedly, the scientists are the faster snails and not so closed-minded.
Anyone who professes to know anything outside his sphere of activity is still considered, to some
degree, insane. Most of our time-honored inventions were invented by people who supposedly had no
background knowledge to bring them into being. We give lip-service to “necessity” being “the mother of
inventions” but we fail to honor the fact in reality. We are held back by the hoarding of background
information by huge corporations so that the background is no longer easier to obtain rather than more
difficult. We impede our own progress for purposes of ego and greed.
Love,
Courtney
61.
15 September 1973
Dear Reader,
It is now 2:30 AM and I have been working on the engine of my 1972 model Datsun 1200 since
about 10:30 last night. This is the time of day I feel the best, most alert, and most productive. MGM
Studios in Hollywood didn’t name the Lion who introduced their pictures Leo for the fun of it. Both in
astrology and in reality we who were born under the Leo portion of the Zodiac have many attributes of
the cat.
I have been doing the bulk of my automotive work since I was about seventeen years of age but
the task at hand has been a puzzle until an hour or more ago. The Datsun, in terms of economy, is a
high performance automobile. This one has very consistently averaged more than 40 miles per gallon
on the open road. It now has more than 110,000 miles on the odometer but of late has been consuming
too much oil. I was eager to solve the problem before winter arrived.
62.
What I discovered in recent hours reminded me of some of the tales in a book titled “Acres of
Diamonds”. The author wrote of miners who dug within a few feet of a vein of solid gold and then
decided there was no gold bearing ore worth digging in the mine. Always take that extra step It could
be profitable. Not always, but sometimes.
In trying to decide where my oil was going I’ve done more work than necessary because I didn’t
take that extra step soon enough. The cylinder compression was down and I ground the valves first
hoping that I wouldn’t need to go any further. To distinguish between valve trouble and ring trouble it is
customary to pour a couple of tablespoons of oil into each cylinder and compare the compression
achieved with the compression taken beforehand. The comparison led me to believe I had problems
elsewhere but not one showed up. Frustrated and disgusted, I decided to use more than 2 tablespoons
of oil. The compression jumped from about 75 psi to nearly 200 psi. It proved that the valve work was a
complete success and the Datsun needs new rings. It amounts to a major overhaul but can’t be avoided.
I was thrown off-guard by the lack of wear on the cylinder walls. It is almost nil. Obviously the rings are
of softer material and have taken all of the wear.
Monday I leave for three days of lectures at the National Bureau of Standards and will only have
a week to do the repair work if I am to complete it prior to my next scheduled trip to see the kids in
Jupiter, Florida. If I don’t make the trip during the first part of October I won’t see them before they go
back to school. (They attend school four months and get two months off, twice a year [this method is
called ‘concept six’]. I like to be with them at Christmas but a November trip would be too close to
Christmas.
And so, I have learned something else this day. I am not far enough away from conventional
approaches.
Love
Courtney
64
1 December 1979
“But science, with all its undeniable splendors of achievement, is restricted by its self-imposed limitations
to the field of after-the-facts. It deals with the “given” but excludes the sources of the gift.”
Eileen J. Garrett
(Foreward to Awareness)
Dear Reader,
My daughter, Sharron, just survived a three week battle with an illness yet undetermined by the
medical profession even with four doctors on the case. They suspected meningitis, a dangerous disease
once suffered by my sister, Frances. We live in an age wherein most diseases can be a wiped out with
antibiotics if they have a bacteria origin. Identification of the bacteria is not important if the patient
recovers.
In January of this year I heard a seminar on Paradise Marketing Products in which Brent Davis
said, “In foreign countries, if a hundred people become ill and they see doctors the doctors try to find a
cure but in this country they immediately try to determine if the patients are really sick.” Most of
Sharron’s confinement was devoted to the latter enterprise and therein she suffered her greatest pains.
In this case the doctors didn’t learn what was given but still excluded the source of the gift.
Love,
Courtney
65.
25 January 1980
Dear Reader,
Much has happened since my last or previous entry which you might be able to read about on
microfilm if human life on the planet manages to survive allowing you the opportunity. President Carter
and the Russian Bear are showing their fangs at each other or to each other- depending upon how such
things in your day are expressed. There is considerable flag waving in progress but unfortunately the
planetary colony doesn’t have one. If we survive it will be solely because politicians have more
intelligence than they have yet displayed in the course of human history. However, this is not my
subject for this sitting.
In recent weeks I have remembered more dreams than usual. To some degree I attribute this to
some experimentation with Alpha control. In my case consistency of effort compensates for lack of
natural ability. It has been rare that I’ve remembered a dream in full color but I’ve recently had two
such colorful dreams even though I only bothered to take notes on the first.
In that one the story was rather intermittent, as to logicial sequence, and my notes have been
misplaced. All of the characters but one were unknown to me. The dream began as I was meeting some
of the
66.
Characters for the first time. They were lounging around on packing crates and disarranged furniture in
a room within a multilevel building. The conversation was trivial and although everyone was friendly, I
didn’t know why I was there. The pace changed somewhat when we mutually discovered a wrecking
crew was knocking the building down but we were not particularly concerned. The room’s outer wall
was caved in in huge chunks. Parts of the ceiling fell in around us and the sections of floor disappeared
into the rooms below. We moved from one packing crate or piece of furniture to another until we
seemed isolated on the only section of floor remaining.
Then the unemotional scene changed to something else entirely; the only part of the dream
with a message I could easily decipher. I was kneeling beside a globe of the world whose exterior was
designed in colored relief as close to the actual texture as could be imagined. There were four or five
other men around the globe including Walter Kronkite who heads the CBS-TV newscasts on television.
He was saying that a rocket had been launched into space by NASA(National Aeronautics and Space
Administration) but it had only completed one trip around the world in planned orbit before it
wandered off and crashed somewhere in the vicinity of Australia.
67.
He pointed to the location on the globe. He then said, “It did what Ron Hubbard had predicted it would
do and crashed where he said it would”.
His remark took me by surprise which I indicated by blurting out, “Ron!” Kronkite ignored my
interruptions and continued with more details. The dream wandered off into a new direction o f no
consequence.
The most important part of the dream concerned the mentioning of Ron Hubbard and his
prediction. Such a prediction by Ron wouldn’t have surprised me but for Walter Kronkite to have givwn
him due credit for it came as a sudden shock. So far as I know Kronkite was the only newscaster to
mention Ron’s wife in relation to a court battle between Scientology and the government on the day of
the decision. The decision was appealed and wasn’t followed further except in newspapers unless I
failed to hear about it. Although surprised, I was pleased to hear Kronkite giving Ron credit for
something.
The first part of the dream had no obvious connection with the latter portion. At best, it tended
to indicate I could remain emotionally unexcited if everything around me fell apart: something I
couldn’t have easily done a few months ago. I feel obliged to give Ron some credit for
68.
some capacity in this direction. This could be the only connecting element in dream segments.
The second dream was of much shorter duration and much more difficult to analyze. What
analysis I was able to make came well after the fact. The dream contained taboo elements it seems
appropriate to ignore here. How they fit in is important only in the sense that they were stimulated by a
book I noticed someone reading not long before the dream took place. One’s dream material doesn’t
recognize taboos and frequently serves the purpose of reminding us of the enormous expanse between
what we think and what is considered acceptable to think. I much regret forgetting the first part of the
dream, which served to make the plot confusing.
This dream had three characters of which I was one. I found myself in a position I hadn’t
arranged and somewhat a guinea pig for one of the other characters. The other character seemed to be
in the plot primarily so I would feel embarrassed and embarrassment was the key to the dream’s
emotional impact at the time. As events in waking life transpired I recognized that the embarrassment
served the purpose of concealing the objective of the dream. It had been a premonitory dream and
perhaps one of the first I’ve been able to recognize. I was glad
69.
I hadn’t mentioned the dream to the characters I had injected into it from the subconscious level.
Perhaps it would be more thoroughly appropriate to say the super-conscious level, since it is supposedly
the medium of communications of a telepathic nature. What might have been characterized as an
erotic dream wasn’t one at all but something entirely removed from that area of thought or
consideration. The dream was information about the nature of dream symbols. When the dream
material follows a normal sequence and is then interrupted for reasons the dreamer can’t seem to
comprehend there seems to be a fair chance that the symbols have served a concealed purpose.
Especially so if the dreamer feels much relieved because the sequence wasn’t completed. The dreamer
might be wise to consider a different analytical approach altogether. Had I done so I wouldn’t likely
have come to the conclusions I later reached by being patient.
That part of the dream I failed to retain now seems to have served a purpose in being forgotten.
It was a case of knowing what I didn’t want to know and forgetting what it was. You could say the
dream wasn’t one of premonition since I didn’t get the plot unraveled soon enough and be correct.
Even so, I had the data in advance. It was just a matter of interpretation. Perhaps in time I can untangle
data much sooner.
70.
The book and the reader had little to do with the plot. Dream material, according to Freud, is
usually taken from events one had recently witnessed. So are the characters, if one cares to hold them
apart from dialogue or action. The characters may play roles you would never identify them with
consciously and the dreamer assumes the role of a casting director but most frequently a very poor one
indeed. It is almost always a gross error to give the characters real roles rather then symbolic ones and
the same applies to the dream material. Even in real life a great deal isn’t as it appears to be. We are
lucky to see the tip of the iceburg. Much more is concealed than revealed and we would be wise to
accept it as such. People create impressions contrary to what they feel. This can be more confusing
than a dream. We evaluate in terms of our experiences and find it most difficult to evaluate in terms of
another’s experiences, if not impossible.
Our dreams are messengers and are not beyond mastery. Skill is only as good as the practice
makes perfect. If you never try to practice at all you’re unlikely to gain any proficiency in knowing what
messages your dreams may bring.
Love,
Courtney
71.
26 January 1980
Dear Reader,
Last night a couple of young fellow saw me writing the previous entry and one in particular took
special interest in my penmanship and asked permission to read a few pages which I allowed. His
comments were very flattering and he encouraged me to write as many others before him have done.
He hadn’t appeared the type to appreciate such things which proves how wrong I can unintentionally
be. I enjoy writing but I rarely approve of how it turns out. Thoughts are things and mine fly with
incredible speed. My pen could not possibly follow them and I’m somewhat like a pilot flying down a
narrow winding canyon toward a dead end. I maneuver myself into a sentence or a paragraph and have
no room to turn around. It leaves me with the feeling that I have made myself look bad involuntarily.
The seemingly well-expressed thought is patched up like a new garment in which the hole appears
before it can be worn. Words I have planned to use slip away before I can reach them in the stream of
ink.
Life is a series of unscheduled events we didn’t plan but yet must cope with as I attempt to cope
with a lack of constant relativity between thought and word in attempting to write as I’d like to.
72.
I’ve had many problems and many challenges I couldn’t master as I desired but I am by no
means alone. I watch happy people become miserable in circumstances which appear to have no easy
solution and miserable people find happiness. The only permanent element in life is change and we
operate in cycles just as the tide first ebbs, then flows. We are not unlike ships plowing their way
through turbulent seas. They ride over the crest and down into the next valley where they shutter and
climb the next mountain of water ahead. I made my first trans-Atlantic crossing aboard a ship 150 feet
in length amidst a convoy of about 300 other vessels and at times we had a panoramic view of great
proportions and during others we seemed alone in a huge hole of only water. The fact remains that we
made the trip in spite of all the battering.
There have been times when I sailed on an ocean so calm no ripple was within sight. I’ve had a
few rare moments like that in life but as rare as a calm sea. This can become very monotonous and
unexciting. One hopes the wind may blow or something unexpected will happen- and it usually does,
eventually. The wake of a ship is long in quiet water and can barely be detected at all when nature
churns it into a sea of spray. There tends to be some natural
73.
Phenomena which causes us to remember the storms more readily than the calms whether we
contemplate the past at sea or ashore. We want to be happy but have little tolerance for it in reality. If
something doesn’t change we become extremely bored. We view the future in terms of the past which
can be indeed be frightening. There is really no time but now and never will be. There never was.
We have more control over it than most of us are aware. Admittedly it requires the generation
of different thoughts and attitudes than those we normally cultivate. It isn’t an impossibility, however.
When the world doesn’t change we have the alternative to change ourselves and our adaptation
capabilities. Of all the things we say and do, it’s what we tell ourselves that’s most important: we are as
capable or incapable as we say we are, as young or as old, as rich or as poor, as dynamic or as useless, as
determined or as undetermined, as happy or as miserable, and the list could go on covering opposites
beyond the reach of our current imagination. Our limitations are as great as those we impose on
ourselves. Why impose any? From childhood more is said about what we can’t do than what we can do
and eventually we accept the negative point of view. We are converted from a cause into an effect and
if we are to achieve goals different from those achieved thus far we have to reverse our thinking on a
great variety of subjects.
74.
There is an over-abundance of the common man- and the common woman. Those who achieve
the greatest success in life are those who dare to become uncommon. It requires the breaking of lifelong habits and attitudes. This can be done! I don’t say that it is easy but it can be done. Here are tools
to help if one would but use them effectively. Benjamin Franklin used a simple technique. He disposed
of his bad habits one at a time. The successful person seeks successful associates and avoids those who
create a non-successful atmosphere. One must have goals: little ones at first and larger ones when the
little ones have been attained. In brief, “Hitch your wagon to a star.” When one challenge has been
mastered, select a larger one.
We fall victim to our most honored enemy: fear! If we accept the fact that we can’t do
something we can’t. We fear the unknown so stick to what you know which isn’t nearly enough. If we
don’t venture we can’t possibly show any gain for our complacency. Most of us spend our early years
afraid to live and our final years afraid to die. We don’t like what’s behind us and tremble at the
thought of what’s ahead of us. We stagnate in the ‘now’. We don’t have to. The decision is ours
whether we do or not. Most of us are afraid to try something new so are perpetually stuck with the old
in spite of having better tastes.
75.
Until we learn to love ourselves we have little capacity to love someone else. Self-love of this
type is not to be confused with arrogant ego flagrantly displayed. Someone short on self-love is selfdestructive. I know the type and so do you if you but think about it. We have the right to demand
something out of life beyond the effect of self-hatred. When we enhance our position in life we
automatically enhance the lives of those around us. We give them an example to look up to instead of
one to look down upon. It entices them to select better goals for themselves and the enthusiasm to
succeed is contagious. You can’t make someone succeed who sees no advantage in doing so. They
must be motivated. You can never hope to help someone who isn’t motivated to help themselves.
People who marry someone with thoughts of changing them are likely to find themselves frustrated but
perhaps no less so than the one who deplores change for the sole purpose of pleasing someone else.
Opportunity knocks more than once but if it knocked perpetually it would not be heard by those
afraid to tune it in. Little opportunities taken lead to larger ones and little ones ignored lead to none at
all. One must adjust their hearing if they are in tune with silent knocks.
76.
We don’t always accept that which would be most advantageous to us. We are lost in the
comfort of what we have. I had an interesting encounter with this subject last night. It dealt with the
subject of smoking which I do profusely. I enjoy it even though it’s costly from a number of points of
view. It falls into the self-destructive category when one over-does it as I do. A very kind and
considerate acquaintance was attempting to point that out but she didn’t get down to basis cause in my
particular case. I’ve been busy living for other people and not for myself. I didn’t point this out to her
but I’m aware of it and am giving some change in the proper direction considerable priority. I’ve passed
through the peak of my self-destruct stage but not through the habit. Everything will fall into place if I
don’t fall on my face first and I’m quite determined not to allow that to happen. I smoke excessively
when I’m idle. When I’m well occupied my cigarettes smoke themselves and send up smoke signals to
let me know they are still around in case I should need a crutch. Their cost also goes up in smoke but its
at least one thing I do for myself even if it’s to myself.
Love,
Courtney
77.
26 January 1980
Dear Reader,
‘Tis afternoon now and I have much to do but having left this book unattended for so long I shall
make another short entry. Priorities can usually be shuffled like a deck of cards if most have minimal
value. So long as I can get to Virginia Beach and back today I have no other pressing matters to attend
to.
Let’s return to the subject of smoking. How long people have been doing it is unknown. Indians
were using tobacco when the white man invaded North America. I sometimes say that no Indian ever
got lung cancer from smoking a peace pipe since we never gave the Indians any peace. Our ancestors
were not only too greedy but also dedicated to giving the Indian their beliefs in the most forceful of
ways. They introduced the Indian to hyperactivity and neurosis and started them on the royal road to
heart attacks but a very large percentage of them had already died from diseases brought to these
shores against which they had no immunity. By the white man’s standards the Indians had some weird
beliefs but the white man had no more proof for his than the Indian. He just had better weapons with
which to enforce them.
In spite of enormous sums of money devoted to research there is still no direct proof that
smoking is hazardous to one’s health. The statistics tend to indicate otherwise. The astute observer will
note that those things cigarette smoking supposedly causes increase in direct proportion to the man’s
acceptance of what the doctors choose to say on the subject. If doctors said that smelling roses caused
cancer of the toes the number of toe cancers among people who loved to smell roses would soar at an
alarming rate. No one should overlook or take lightly the power of suggestion. A hypnotist can make
the temperature rise in a good subject by suggesting that the subject have one. All manner of physical
manifestations can be brought about by the same method. If you can be strongly convinced that
smoking will kill you and continue to accept suggestions to that effect chances are excellent that it will.
By the same token, if you believe here is no cure for cancer and you happen to have cancer your
chances of survival are extremely slim. Be careful what you think and what you are led to believe in
negative directions.
The human body has enormous tolerances from things foreign to it, including poisons of which
nicotine is one. Had the settlers arrived to smog covered shores they may have died before developing
any tolerance to smog. We adapt slowly but we do adapt. The first time I inhaled a cigarette I was
almost convinced I would suffocate. Oxygen is vital to human life and a shortage of it prohibits us from
physically and mentally functioning at peak efficiency. Accordingly, I wouldn’t recommend smoking to
anyone including those addicted to it.
Love,
Courtney
79.
27 January 1980
Dear Reader,
Today has been mostly free of worldly pressures and vaguely enjoyable. My alarm clock was set
for noon but I didn’t bother to get up until 1:00 PM so had ample sleep. Yesterday was somewhat the
same with regard to activities. During the afternoon yesterday I drove to Virginia Beach to return a few
books to the Edgar Cayce Library. Adelaide, the librarian who had reminded me I had one over-due I
had forgotten I had checked out was on duty at the desk and was still in possession of the little note I
had written her before Christmas pleading guilty. She bears my maternal grandmother’s name which I
wasn’t aware of previously and I was somewhat eager to match the name with the proper librarian. She
is a friendly sort and we had chattered several times before about Billy and his autistic problems. I spent
considerable time browsing in the library and departed with four more selections. There are so many
books there I would like to read.
Last night I also attempted to see the movie, “Chariots of the Gods”, which was one of two in a
double feature but it had already been shown and I saw “The Search for Noah’s Ark” instead. I wasn’t
particularly impressed. The plot of the documentary was biased entirely for the Ark’s existence. The
roles of those who had supposedly seen it were played by actors. The wooden ship would have, of
necessity, to be petrified as suggested to have survived for 5,000 years. It is supposedly broken in half
now by an earth quake of comparatively recent vintage. One would have to be skeptical about the nonoccurance of earthquakes in the area for the previous 5,000 years. I shall have to have more proof
before I can accept the story. It is beyond the scope of reason that all of the world’s animals were in
easy reach of Noah when he loaded the Ark. Insects were not mentioned, nor were reptiles. Man
assumes so much and knows so little with certainty. What great tales our imaginations weave.
My selection of books at the library was dictated by determination to find supported evidence
for metaphysical topics, plus more on the reach of the human mind. Man must have a million theories
he hasn’t proven. I would like to prove at least one or two of my own. Even though writers have
supposedly experienced the proof of some of them I won’t be satisfied completely until I can experience
them myself in a non-hallucinated state. I require more than organ music to alter my insistence on
facts. Staged productions have much in common with a stage production.
81.
It is interesting to observe someone glancing at book titles and watching them check out
something of interest to them. Interests very widely. It reminds me of some of June’s comments on
natural selection as pertaining to the mating game. The research scientists have written much on the
subject but I’m by no means sure they have nailed down any facts with regard to human beings.
Supposedly the female ape mates with the most gigantic and healthiest bull ape she can find and thenshall we say- monkeys around with the lessor monkeys. If this is indeed true she had no way of knowing
which one fathered her off-spring. Love between humans is yet another matter. I’ve known human
females who believed they could hear bells and experience all sorts of weird sensations when the
“right” man happened along. Not being female, I’ve never experienced the phenomena so can’t verify
it. If such a thing actually happens, I suspect its imagination if not hallucination. I did have one
experience I’m not likely to forget which tends to support my beliefs in this matter. I was physically
attacked, simultaneously by about 25 or 30 females in Rome one night at the time a night club closed.
But for half dozen shipmates I would have been mauled to death. I escaped well covered with lipstick;
badly shaken up. It wasn’t because I was gigantic or handsome. It just happened to be the first
American they had seen in civilian attire.
82.
I have heard people say, “There is no accounting for tastes”. I don’t believe this is so in a choice
of books nor in a choice of mates. Surely you have seen someone of the opposite sex you were
extremely attracted to physically and repulsed in some other way – or vice versa. We can make
abberrated choices as well as sound ones and be unable to note the difference for a considerable period
of time. Our interests in subjects- including people- vary from time to time. While we supposedly have
freedom of choice, I’m by no means certain that this is so. It could be prearranged. Perhaps I’ve just
been impressed by reincarnation stories in which a couple were lovers or husbands and wives in one
lifetime after another. They didn’t always live out their life-spans together. They had other things to
work out in their continuing education program.
A nationally known psychic who wears the title of Doctor has predicted that I will meet someone
and fall in love within the next six months. I’m somewhat relieved by suspecting he probably predicts
that for everyone he knows to be single. He also said I would be very happy but it would probably be
considered unethical to say otherwise. He didn’t say I would have a change of interests but one change
usually begets another. It would be quite easy for me to find a gal to love but to find one who could love
me would be much more difficult.
83.
I find the opposite sex very un-understanding because I go to Florida to see my children whenever I can
afford to and make myself at home in my ex-wife’s house. It’s both economical and practical but they
allow their imaginations to run away with them. Apparently they would have one heluva life if they
married a postman or an interior decorator. Someday I shall have to do some research on how the
Sultans and early Mormons managed to keep their wives or harem girls from pulling each other’s hair
out. Perhaps they shaved their heads and gave them a generous supply of wigs. Whatever the secret
was, it appears I had best learn it. Not that I have more than one spouse or intend to have. One has
usually given me enough trouble but perhaps that was because I married them but they didn’t marry
me. This has been a rough trip. I should have worn a suit of armor and brought something soft to sit on.
I will concede that love’s more wonderful the second time around. Especially so if the first experience
was lousy. If one learns to be optimistic they tend to be as blind as life demands for the promotion of
peace and tranquility.
Love,
Courtney
84.
27 January 1980
Dear Reader,
After a lengthly nap since the previous entry I’m contemplating a trip to the outside world. It’s
the only way to get interesting exercise for me. Otherwise I’m tempted to read or write or get involved
in the computation of taxes. I’m not eager to know how much I must contribute to the Federal waste
fund in April.
Upon getting up I became absorbed in Dorothy O’Malia’s “Lives I have Lived”. Wish I had read it
years ago as it would have saved me considerable research in the field of religions. She reached the
same conclusions I did. However, her book wasn’t copyrighted until 1972. Somehow I missed finding
Christ’s birthday in my own research. She discovered it to be April 8th, 1720790 Julian. She may not
have been correct but the scripted scribes seemed to make Him a Pisces: two fish swimming in opposite
directions.
Perhaps I shall retrace some of my journeys of yesterday, beginning via trying to get some Xerox
copies at Christopher Newport College. I have already checked in with my Florida family. Addie had
been doing a science project for school and had found she was allergic to asbestos. She had to go to the
hospital, having turned red all over.
Love,
Courtney
85.
2 February 1980
Dear Reader,
Tomorrow I have an appointment at noon in Virginia Beach and should be getting some sleep
but at the moment there is too much lively conversation going on at Dunkin Donuts to break away. One
must take some time to listen on occasion. Everyone has a story to tell and some story-tellers have
more stories than I have the time or patience to record here. Perhaps the most factual story I can relate
here is that most stories have a setting in the past with which most people are completely absorbed.
Their now is primarily living in the past and the future is a time for telling more stories which took place
in the now. Of course you could say that it’s impossible to tell stories about the future but for most
people you can rest assured that their future stories will have much in common with the ones you have
already heard. They stay on the same track, somewhat like a locomotive, and travel at their accustomed
pace. It might also be said that the track is a circular one and they see the same scenery unless
someone builds a new house or two automobiles collide. Chances are they work at the same job,
address the same boss as “Sir” and say hello to the same people.
86.
Just for a change it is worthwhile to contemplate the experiences of a tree and compare them
with the experiences of people who are often as well rooted in their surroundings. You may find that
both have something in common even if a tree doesn’t have human form and mobility. Life doesn’t
really change much unless a person changes it via action. I don’t suggest that you pull up your roots just
to secure a change of scenery. If you are happy where you are, why move? Don’t move without a goal
or destination in mind and its best to have both visualized in advance. As for your fortunes or
misfortunes in the future there is no way to predict them but if you are determined to achieve success
your chances of doing so are excellent. People who have nothing specific in mind to accomplish
sometimes accomplish just that. Should you dig up a tree and move it to another location you usually
have a location in mind and anticipate the amount of shock the tree will experience and also that there
will be some delay before it bears fruit again or appears as healthy as it was before. People are not very
different from trees when they move. It takes some time to get reestablished and become fruitful.
Love,
Courtney
87.
3 January 1980
Dear Reader,
Last night a lady asked me how old I was when I got married the first time and I neglected to ask
whether she meant physically or psychologically and there is considerable difference. When it came to
handling responsibility I had had plenty of that. But for an unfortunate experience with the Department
of Army I would have been a master of ocean-going vessels by the age of twenty-three but I had reached
the position of navigational officer in spite of it. I had already grown accustomed of having millions of
dollars in equipment and cargo, plus the lives of approximately fifty other people, entrusted to me and
was fully aware of it. I was a very serious-minded young man which didn’t happen by accident. My
parents were serious-minded people and had trusted me with responsibility- except for myself. On that
score, they insisted on having the last word.
To some degree the idea of marriage was thrust upon me. Most of my peers were already
married while I was still off seeing the world and some of them already had children. I had visualized
being married but didn’t look upon it as a goal or something I felt obliged to do now. I possessed all of
the natural urges but didn’t view them as something I had to do something about in haste. I
88.
Believe my mother was concerned that I would sail for the remainder of her life without giving her any
grandchildren. Even so, I wasn’t very concerned.
In 1947 the wartime shipping began to taper off. At Christmas of that year the S.S. Mary Austin
of which I was second officer docked in Norfolk and was scheduled for lay-up in the idle fleet. It was
operated by the United States Lines. I went ashore and waited for another ship. The company failed to
inform me that it expected its officers to have commissions in the Naval Reserve so they dragged their
feet- the men in the company office in Norfolk- and didn’t notify me of their expectations until the wait
had cost me considerable time and money. Supposedly getting a naval commission was just a formality.
Accepting this fact I drove to Washington and paid a visit to the U.S. Maritime Administration
offices where I received my Lieutenant (junior grade) commission in the U.S. Maritime Service which I
hadn’t bothered to apply for previously. From there I went to the naval procurement office and applied
for a Naval Reserve Commission. I was offered and Ensign’s commission which was one-half stripe
under my maritime commission which didn’t please me any but for the sake of getting another ship
without further difficulties I was willing to accept it.
89.
I took home a large stack of forms in triplicate to sign. Upon examining them I came to one which said
that since I had had no previous military experience I requested two years of sea-duty with the Navy.
Without the slightest hesitation, I tore all of the forms in half and tossed them in the trash. It was the
greatest insult I had encountered up until that time. I had risked my neck in the Army Transportation
Service and aboard merchant vessels- which are sitting targets- in a hot war and the Navy was trying to
tell me I had further obligations to my country. My attitude then, as it is now, was that the Navy could
go straight to hell if disinclined to keep its insults to itself.
Shortly thereafter I packed my “gear” and journeyed to Baltimore in search of an officer’s berth
aboard any ship I could find. However, United States Lines had been responsible for depleting my funds
and after two weeks in a Baltimore Hotel I reached the conclusion that the wait would last longer than I
could afford. I returned home just in time to attend the funeral of one of my favorite uncles who fell
victim to blook-poisoning the week before. He had offered to loan me some money just before I had
departed for Baltimore but I had refused it.
At the time my parents were considering selling the old country store in which I had spent so
many years and buying another one in Newport News.
90.
I agreed to become a part of the family venture and the purchase was made. It looked as
though my sailing days were over so I began to entertain thoughts of marriage. To make a long story
short I imported an Irish girl from England and we tied the knot on October 2nd, 1948. I had promised
the State Department that I would marry her before I ever proposed. We had corresponded for almost
four years during which we hadn’t seen each other but there seemed to be an unspoken and unwritten
agreement that we would marry each other if we ever considered such a venture.
We accepted each other as we had done four years earlier and without allowing for all the
changes in us that had transpired in the interim. Our views of each other were more imaginary than
real. More went wrong than right from the beginning. There were times when I felt like a spoiled brat
or that she was one and vice-versa. She was unaccustomed to riding in automobiles and got sick each
time we rode anywhere and we were riding about 170 miles a day getting the new store ready for
business. Just before Sharron was born I came close to a nervous breakdown. The store didn’t pay off,
having been closed for years, and one of the family had to go to work elsewhere. I took a job as a typist
and bookkeeper for a small corporation in Newport News: Duncan & Dale, Inc.
91.
I soon realized that there could be no life for us on my $40 a week salary for six days a week so I
put myself on a shipping list again. Four months after Sharron was born I was making the first of five
trips to Palestine as an officer aboard the S.S. Pass Christian Victory. I had a miserable First Mate and a
grouch for a Captain. I found going to sea in the married state a living hell and the letters from my wife
didn’t help matters any even though we returned to the same port- Newport News- about every five
weeks. The Chief Mate got off after the second or third trip and dropped dead of a heart attack which
was the cause for celebration when we learned about it through the company’s agent in Haifa, Israel. I
don’t’ recall anything better happening during my tenure aboard the ship which carried cattle to replace
those ripped off by the English before the British mandate ended just prior our first voyage. Anyway,
the marriage continued for another ten years with little change for the better but a number of changes
for the worse.
In retrospect, I tackled too many drastic changes too quickly and wasn’t emotionally prepared to
cope with any of them nor was my spouse any better prepared even though I’m sure to this day she
would not agree. After her departure I set out to learn enough psychology to untangle the mysteries of
all that had transpired over a dozen years and felt I succeeded.
92.
Basically, I had misinterpreted meanings in those letters she had written me during the years
we were apart prior to marriage. My encounters with other girls during that period were rare and more
physical than emotional while her encounters with other boys were frequent and more stimulating from
various points of view. Stated another way, while I was carrying out a responsible role beyond my years
she was becoming a social butterfly. Neither of us were willing to adapt to change. We had different
interests and different customs and pursued them independently of each other. I don’t think she ever
approved of the difference between her father and me in the social or business sense and the first time
she went away from home alone she forgot that she was a wife instead of a single girl. I could never
account for her sexual make-up until well after she was gone. A psychiatrist upset her shortly before her
departure by saying she could never make a happy marriage. I am of the opinion that it was nonprofessional of him to make such a statement and especially so directly to her. We both misinterpreted
what he was trying to get across to her. Her next marriage lasted less than a year while my second one
continued to last for fourteen years. It would have been permanent had I had my way and it didn’t end
because we were not compatible.
93.
In spite of many conflicts I’ve never had a wife I didn’t love nor have I lost one who failed to
appreciate me after the fact perhaps much more than she did before. I strongly suspect that divorce
was far more educational to them than marriage was even though the two are strongly related. Neither
is likely to say so. There is such a thing as pride which keeps more estranged people apart than any
other factor. Anyone can find a justification for divorce if they are adequately determined even if the
marriage is as normal as any marriage is likely to get. No two people are identical in tastes and
personality. They must make many compromises and frequently on a daily basis. Love and mutual
respect are the key ingredients that hold two people together. As one smart person once said, “love is
not having to say you’re sorry”. Expressed in yet another way, it’s automatic forgiveness. I didn’t have
much of that when I launched myself on the first sea of matrimony. One learns by making mistakes
more so than by doing everything correctly the first time. One must learn to ben or they will surely
break- themselves or someone else.
Except under extremely rare circumstances even a lousy marriage isn’t likely to end unless one
of the two people starts or permits a triangle or strongly desires one. Sometimes there are very good
reasons for a change. Psychological warfare is no less painful than the physical variety. It is a matter of
record that people who are masochists in nature attract sadistic mates and if they get free of the first
sadist they very frequently select a second as bad or worse than the first. These people would be far
better off to marry someone they respected rather than someone who strongly attracted them.
94.
This is one of the reasons I don’t by the validity of the “natural selection” theory. The person who truly
loves themselves- and I don’t mean in the egotistical sense- can learn to love practically anyone. If they
don’t, it is highly unlikely that they will be happy with any mate. The previous two sentences could be
duplicated using the meaning of respect. Too many young people marry before they learn to love or
respect themselves even though they might contend that they do. Everyone matures physically but not
everyone matures psychologically even if they live a century. One must learn to listen as well as how to
argue constructively.
I don’t believe that differences in age, background, or anything else is more vital in marriage
than ability and determination to see it through within the framework I have covered herein.
95.
My great grandfather recommends evaluating a marriage partner in terms of “their good report” but
reports can be drastically contrary to the real make-up of an individual.
Society itself creates barriers between the two sexes which have no sound justification for being
imposed. They are just traditional and most traditions aren’t justified. In recent years I’ve observed a
breakdown in many of the time-honored traditions and I’m glad to see it happen. Especially so in the
area of sex. Semantics create a communication gap. Bertrand Russell once wisely said that it is hopeless
to try to teach on the subject of sex to uneducated people using long multi-lettered words when they
can only comprehend those having four letters. It is society and tradition that have given them a filthy
connotation where none is justified. I wouldn’t recommend that everyone use them publically until
society-at-large decides to be human and realizes that cursing is a prayer for help wherein God is asked
to do what men can’t. People become extremely verbal or extremely violent when they are mad and
sometimes both simultaneously. One would do well to disregard their choice of language at such a time
and not hold them accountable for it later. However, self-control should be encouraged and admired.
96.
Just before my last wife departed she stayed in a rage frequently. I recognized it for what it as.
She wasn’t angry with me but with herself. She had no sound reason to leave so therefore felt obliged
to fabricate many hoping that one of them would be acceptable at least to herself. I also suspect that
she thought it would make her departure easier for me to bear but her efforts were a failure.
Sometimes it is far easier to surrender someone to death than to their dreams even if the dreams are
never realized. There seems to be a natural law that one must play the game of life fairly or nothing
works out for those who don’t. Sometimes the natural law doesn’t seem to apply but to such observers
they discount that death is not the end but only a beginning of a new and continued existence.
Benjamin Franklin said it well enough when he spoke of himself returning as the same old text reprinted
and in a different binding. Everything that has life must die and this includes love but love has no real
end if it ever existed. The name of the game to which we are most dedicated is survival- not unlike
every other living thing- and we do what we must do to guarantee it.
Love,
Courtney
97.
February 3rd, 1980, 7:45PM
Dear Reader,
Getting out of bed this morning wasn’t the easiest thing I’ve ever done. The temperature
remains cold. 31 degrees at sunset. I noticed the display at the bank upon returning from Virginia
Beach. My noon appointment didn’t materialize until about 1:30PM even though I was on time.
When it was over I remembered having a completed book in the car from the Cayce Library so
decided to trade it for another. Thereafter I browsed in the bookstore and bought a copy of Aldous
Huxley’s “The Art of Seeing”. I hadn’t known previously that he had severe vision problems in his youth.
Upon leaving the bookstore I drifted into a lecture on dreams which lasted an hour and was
followed by a movie on the life of Edgar Cayce which I hadn’t seen before. Even though I’ve read several
authoritative books on his life I still learn something else on occasion which I hadn’t known before.
Today was no exception. He had more psychic ability in the waking state than I had been aware of.
Love,
Courtney
98.
Dear Reader,
Some months ago the Heritage Store – a health food outlet which also specializes in formulating
or otherwise acquiring curative preparations recommended by Edgar Cayce – passed me a list of
organizations and people who give psychic readings for members and/or clients. Over a period of days I
wrote short notes to each one listed and received a variety of responses unless there had been a change
of address.
Among the responses came a little booklet from Cosmic Awareness Communications located in
Olympia, Washington. Cosmic Awareness is but another name for God, the Creator, or your own
personal interpretation of a supplier of natural law, diety, or whatever. A “Trance-enterpretor”,
medium, psychic, or whatever, answers questions for those who seek data from the Ahaskie Records or
“he who knows all”. The little booklet is packed with samples and a few notes by the “Editor”. I find
most of them quite interesting.
One in particular struck me as being especially funny since it would likely blow the mind of the
typical Southern Baptist minister of the hard-shelled variety given to preaching fire and brimstone and
otherwise indulging in an all-out effort to separate human kind from their instinctual pursuits without
which we might have become extinct millions of years ago. The question asked of Cosmic Awareness
pertained to matters “concerning sex at the Cosmic level”. Should you be one who believes that Heaven
is within you, or that Christ was being honest when he said “I am the Father and the Father is in me”,
you may reach some conclusions about matters you never bothered to consider. ‘Tis best to quote
Cosmic Awareness and allow Him to speak for Himself:
“This Awareness indicates that when you make love to another, that you understand that you
are making love to another aspect of your higher consciousness. That is likened unto the one tentacle of
an octopus rubbing against another tentacle and feeling itself very gratified. This Awareness indicates
that all copulation between sexes within the universe is nothing but a kind of Cosmic Awareness
masturbation. That there is nothing else that this Awareness can make love to, for it is totally aware of
all that is and includes all that could be. This awareness indicates that wherein entities discover that
their each and every particle is this Awareness, that they begin realizing that it matters not whether
there is the illusion of parts or wholes, then there must be sex to bring these into balance.” --It would seem to me that the above would make a good topic for a classical sermon if you could
find a man-of-the-cloth to deliver it to his flock.
Amen – and love,
Courtney
100.
5 February 1980
Dear Reader,
Last night I tried an experiment which worked exceedingly well. So much so that I almost regret
having started it upon waking this morning. However, it confirms some of what I’ve read on the subject.
Upon getting to bed I immediately put myself into the Alpha state which, through practice, I’ve
learned to do very effectively. Sometimes I fall asleep so rapidly I don’t get entirely through the
inducing process. Last night I managed to stay awake until well after. I decided to select a dream
companion but left the plot open. I wasn’t sure I could formulate a complete plot before falling asleep.
I have tried this before but wasn’t always successful. Just to gain some reassurance that last night’s
prearrangement wouldn’t flop, I decided to try for the Beta state and must have reached it. My dream
companion was a lady I know reasonably well and perhaps only she could have arranged such a plot.
Perhaps I’m fortunate that I can’t recall all of it at this time and there was no time to make notes this
morning. I can’t recall how the plot started nor how it ended but she did keep me moving and I’m
surprised I’m not tired now. If you are thinking it was an erotic dream it wasn’t at all. The dream was
packed with characters I didn’t know and they had no role beyond just being there.
My prime emotion in the dream was fright but before the dream ended she had given me so
much of it I had become immune to it. She stayed on the move – through mobs of people – and I kept
losing her and trying to find her again. Although it wasn’t spoken I was under the impression that I was
to get her home before some specified time and she seemed determined that I wouldn’t make it. She
didn’t seem to get lost intentionally but yet she managed well enough to keep me in a state of panic. It
reminded me of my youth when I was afraid I would have car trouble and get a girl home late. The time
that I failed to get one home before dawn was because of car trouble but not the kind I had anticipated.
I took the car out on a beach and got it stuck in the sand so deeply that it took me most of the night to
dig it out. I borrowed a shovel from a nearby house and also some burlap bags to put under the rear
tires to get traction. By some twist of fate my date’s older sister had gone with her so I didn’t have
some inflamed father to greet with an explanation when I got home. He was, however, up and waiting
for me. In the dream my dream companion didn’t have a chaperone and I felt ill prepared to confront
whomever it was I had to confront. In the end I wouldn’t have cared anyway.
Love,
Courtney
102.
5 February, 1980
Dear Reader,
The previous entry was hastily written during my work-a-day lunch break and inadequate. How
and what one writes at any specific time is truly a product of that time. If you do not grasp what I mean,
write a paragraph on a subject today, store it, write another of equal length on the same subject and
store it, and yet another and store it. If you then take them out of storage and compare them you will
find distinct differences through a choice of words and you might also find that you emphasize different
aspects of the subject. We are forever influenced by our surroundings, our distractions, and even our
body chemistry. Prolific writers sometimes isolate themselves in a quiet room and do not come out
until their writing is done even if they must ignore their need for food or sleep.
It is not my purpose to alter that which I have already reported about the dream experiment
here but to offer some of my thoughts relative to interpretation. In freud’s “Interpretation of Dreams”
he said that there is always some element in a dream that defies interpretation. I would say that there
are many elements which defy interpretation by the average person but also suggest that complete
interpretation is not impossible to those with expanded awareness.
103.
Dreams have something in common with the bride who insists on wearing “something old, something
new, something borrowed, something blue. No dream is without one or more messages and these
messages fall into a number of different categories.
The dream revealed something I already knew but had failed to reach me sufficiently on an
emotion basis: anyone can overcome a fear by confronting it on a continuous basis until the charge
wears off. It also informed me that the efforts of others can compensate for one’s own lack of effort.
Very few of our fears have a basis of fact and are manufactured out of one or more experiences in the
past.
The dream companion acted out of character so I suspect that although she appeared to be the
one I had selected she was disguised and really somebody else. I don’t have to dig into my memory very
far to identify the personality. She is forever running in one sense even if she is walking and although
she has a destination she never reaches it in fact so must keep on the move. The mob of people was yet
another disguise and it’s unlikely that anyone would ever find her in a crowd.
If I had jotted down notes I could unravel more of the dream but it appears obvious that I
remembered the essential points the dream was designed to make. This particular dream did not
appear to be in color nor was it especially vivid. Apparently the emotional content relieved the need for
either to make it impressive.
Love,
Courtney
104.
6 February 1980
Dear Reader,
Until you attempt to write in a book of this size (the copies are in a book of around 100 pages, or
200 sides) you aren’t likely to learn the first half of it was designed for right-handed writers and the
second half was designed for “south-paws”. The two halves of my brain are out of balance so I’m
therefore not ambidextrous. Benjamin Franklin went into detail about how we neglect half of the body
and encourage the other half. That’s discrimination even closer than at home. To some degree
everything in life is polarized. Many men and women are still arguing about which sex is positive and
which is negative. If they would just get together they would be jointly neutral and it would make no
difference. They try but don’t have much success because they keep remembering their arguments.
Friends who are lovers are very likely much more compatible than lovers who are friends due to all of
the emotions aroused by what we choose to call love: once referred to as an itchy feeling around the
heart one can’t scratch. Love demands possession but friendship doesn’t. It’s customary to say, “my
wife, my husband”, - and even “my friend”. However, competition over a friend doesn’t usually get so
drastically out of control. Crimes of passion are few indeed. In your own way of life you would be wise
to consider a book and not two halves of a book. I would like to complete the two halves of this one and
start a new one on a half that’s easier.
Love
Courtney
105.
6 February 1980
Dear Reader,
Tonight I read a little about the life and accomplishments of Nikola Tesla but became engrossed
in other things so didn’t complete what I started. Tesla was born too soon but happened along just in
time to contribute heavily to the technical aspects of the industrial revolution. At this point in life I’m
not so interested in his aptitudes as I am in how they came about. He was surely no ordinary man and
neither lived nor died as one except for the fact that he was financially embarrassed at his demise. He
was struck by a taxi cab in New York at the age of eighty and knocked about 35 or 40 feet by the impact
but it failed to kill him. He supposedly got up and walked away to spend several months in a hotel room
without seeing a doctor. To me that’s more impressive than engineering the first power generating
station at Niagara Falls.
If one gets away from conventional thinking their awareness grows concerning how little man
knows and how faulty what he claims to know really is. Medical researchers, for instance, may develop
opposing views on the same subject and produce evidence that they are both correct. The public
appears capable of accepting the data and arguments of both. George Bernard Shaw once said that
people have ceased worshipping God and worship doctors instead. People take their medicine
“religiously”, including my mother, and I’m not at all sure that God could talk them out of it.
106.
I’ve never seen even one example to prove that natural laws are in opposition to each other but
apparently there must be those who believe such proof exists. There have been times when I felt that I
had made more blunders in life than anyone else but I now doubt that I was even half correct in the
earlier assumption. Some scientists have dedicated their entire lives to one gigantic blunder.
Professional people habitually look for a complex solution to a simple problem! Should they accidentally
find a simple solution to something they tend to ignore it and continue the search for a complicated
one.
It is not really different in political circles. Most of our laws are formulated by former or even
practicing attorneys who depend on the Supreme Court to interpret what they have written. Of course
some of the wording was and is intended to obscure the presence of loop-holes for special interests.
Theological students and graduates are still trying to find the complexity in the Ten
Commandments and in spite of their simplicity I’m of the opinion that some of them are all wit (?) and
the product of a shrewd clergy which still profits from them on a daily basis to a tune the poor can ill
afford.
Love
Courtney
107.
7 February 1980
Dear Reader,
In the midst of a snowstorm I drove to downtown Newport News and secured a merchant’s
license yesterday and filed a registration in the office of the Clerk of Courts to do business under the
name Prestige Promotions. I am a distributor in Olde World Products and also have a distributorship in
Paradise Marketing. They are the two top profit-makers in the country in multi-level marketing. This
year I intend to make some additional money. If I’m as successful I’ll make enough to convert them into
a full-time venture and retire. I have met several people who managed to do this in less than four years.
I probably make more in salary than the average college graduate but have too many obligations to have
much left for me. It isn’t what one makes that counts but how much they have left at the end of any
given year.
According to a recent report in Parade Magazine the average American has about $3,600 which
is $3,000 less than what an average Swiss citizen has. Most Americans retire on less than $250 a month
which isn’t enough for comfortable survival which is costing more every year due to inflation. What one
can call their own, in dollar value, divided by the number of years required to accumulate it multiplied
by about half the number of years of life expectancy they
108.
have left will give a fair appraisal of how much they can anticipate having just before their death –
unless they do something to alter the trend in a more lucrative direction. The average person deplores
change and isn’t likely to improve their financial position very much from what it already is. It isn’t that
they can’t but that they won’t. It requires some alteration in their habit patterns and frequently a boost
in their self-confidence. According to statistics ANYONE can earn considerable money – if not very
considerable money – if they do just two things on a daily basis: listen to one confidence-building tape
per day and read about twenty minutes of the same kind of material. The first of these the average
person can do while going about their usual activities. Condensing these, one must decide they can find
about 30 minutes of their free time to devote to self-improvement in order to gain what it takes to
improve their life one-hundred-fold. Beyond this they also need a goal and a definite commitment to it.
Concentration on it, plus the effort mentioned, will guarantee success. I find that most people desire to
better their condition but don’t want to do what it takes to accomplish it. They can find numerous
excused to defeat themselves.
Love,
Courtney
109.
7 February 1980
Dear Reader,
It is interesting to note how devoted some people are to looking young and how miserably most
of them fail. They work on the effect and ignore the cause. Some years ago I had a book finder locate a
book long out print by an ex-business man who retired beyond sixty and looked every day of it. As a
matter of fact, he looked younger at 75 than he did at 50. Of course he spent considerable time on the
project and met with considerable success. He was still growing younger in appearance when killed
crossing a street in New York. His theory was that the face wrinkles because the muscles below the skin
aren’t cared for properly and he proved it well enough. It is better to grown younger from the inside out
since it can’t be done from the outside in. Billions of dollars are spent annually in cosmetics which do
more to enhance the outer manifestations of old age than to hide it. Of course it can be disguised for a
few hours and it often helps to keep the lights down low when being observed even then.
In recent years it has become impossible to buy adequate nutrition via grocery stores. Few
people get enough of those elements they were designed to get – andy they show it. Their glands can’t
function without the feel they need and proper gland operation is essential to looking young. So is
exercise. So is the project of keeping poisons and impurities out of the system. Most of all, it’s
important to think and act young.
110.
There are also some precautions to be followed. One brief glance at an old farmer or fisherman
or anyone else who has spent years exposed to sun, wind, and weather will portray what these things
do to the skin in its attempts to protect the one to which it belongs. Those who deliberately bake
themselves in the sun will only become aware of the effect years later. Both sun and wind dry out the
skin’s ability to lubricate itself – in effect, glandular destruction. When exposed to the elements, the
skin should be protected to avoid the after-effects.
Strong soaps should be avoided and whenever practical no one should go out into cold air
before the skin is thoroughly dry. It causes chapping and, to some degree, skin shock. Those reactions
to the whole can likewise by suffered by the parts including minute cells such as those of which the skin
is composed.
The skin can be made healthier and younger in appearance by the stimulation of the capillaries
carrying blood to skin and facial tissues. Vigorous rubbing is helpful – or the use of a vibrator – if not
carried to an extreme. It is easier to prevent the appearance of old age than to alter it. Rare are those
who are completely satisfied with their appearance at any age.
Love,
Courtney
111.
8 February 1980
Dear Reader,
Another premonitory dream to report. Also another one I didn’t recognize as such until after
the fact. The characters in the dream were not pre-selected. Only one feature of the dream contained
color, of which I had any awareness.
THE PLOT: I am either fishing or flying a kite and there are puddles of water in front of me. Also
power lines. The line I’m holding one end of falls across the high voltage power lines and the string sags
down, slack, into the puddles. There is a house in front of me as well but I’m unable to see the door
which faces toward the power or utility poles. Out of the door comes some one I take to be June. She
begins to hand out clothes to dry with her back toward the wet string which is extremely close to her.
About that instant I note a purple-blue aura around the string which tells me the wet string is
conducting voltage. (Something one would be unable to determine, unless, possibly, they were
psychic.) I scream at her to get away from the string. She then backs into it and I know she is hit from
her actions. I scream for someone to cut off the power as if it was coming from
112.
the house instead of the power line which, of course would be impossible anyway. Before she can fall I
wake up believing she is dead. I don’t feel guilty about her hitting the line. I just feel upset because I
couldn’t do anything to save her life.
THE AFTER ANALYSIS:
I know the girl is not June. She was much too tall. I can’t determine who she really was. I can’t
determine that there is any dream material from the previous day or from any incident in the past. The
dream seemed to have nothing specific to tell beyond the fact that there is no fun in watching someone
get electrocuted.
LATER IN THE DAY:
Since I didn’t record the dream upon awaking I quickly forgot it. I went calmly back to sleep
believing I had a nightmare of such intensity that I was unable to sleep through it.
Memory of the dream returned this afternoon when it was stimulated by the fact that I was
selected to Wayne Foster’s assistance in checking the floor in the Calibration Lab for excessive
conductivity. We were employing 500 volts to accomplish it. I said nothing to Wayne but stayed clear of
the cable and made sure he did too. The dream told me I would be working with dangerous voltages
today.
Love
Courtney
113.
9 February, 1980
Dear Reader,
On rare occasions Mother Nature smiles upon me in a favorable fashion and I can relax and
speak with unbridled tongue without those negative connotations of raised eye-brows and either loud
or subdued disapproval. Being, by nature, a reatehr good-natured cuss, I’ve learned to do what the
Romans do when I’m in Rome- and can say so without being egotistical about it. What I don’t know
greatly exceeds what I do know and I learned long ago that recognition of this fact is one of the first
stepping stones to intelligence. All through this book I have stressed the fact that I’m not a conventional
thinker and I’m not ashamed of the fact at all. To me life would be very boring if I felt obliged to accept
the common viewpoint without bothering to look into its background. My station in life doesn’t provide
me with the prestige of authority but it does give me the full spectrum of observation which I try not to
waste. To bring to a close a lengthy paragraph, today had its enrichments for me beyond the fruits of
my salary enslavement.
It is nice to know that there are people who can see beyond the haze on the distant hills and
their vision is not distorted by the heat on the desert. They know that there is more to be seen than the
local panorama. They are not afraid to look through different port-holes on the Spaceship Earth and
wish they had a better crew to ensure safe arrival in some far-away galaxy. According to Einstein our
114.
solar system is moving faster than a freight train toward the constellation Hercules. I shall continue to
hope that the crew has not exterminated itself before we reach there.
Tonight my pen writes easily and I’m endowed with some confidence in the future. I may be a
member of a minority group but there is contentment in the fact that I know I’m not alone. It is
interesting to note what pleasant conversation can do even if it touches upon some of the complexities
of life which have some capacity to dampen the spirit and fog our optimism. In spite of all my
misfortunes ‘tis nice to be a Leo; Element: Fire; Atomic part: Proton; Meaning: Radiance; Polarity:
Positive (+). Almost without exception we write up-hill and nothing can defeat a Leo but self - - and only
then we fold our arms and allow it to happen. We have the capacity to lick our wounds – like a lion- and
return to win the battle. Sometimes we need a nudge but we already have what it takes to be
successful.
My tummy is full as if I had slain and consumed a hippopotamus in darkest Africa but my heart is
light and my mind is active. Life is not bad unless we are in agreement that it is so. Problems are not
problems if we view them as challenges to be overcome by our own self –
115.
determinism. We are never defeated so long as we do not submit to surrender. I am, to some degree,
indebted to my grandmother [‘Adds’, Catherine Adelaide Courtney (maiden name Courtney)] who
disallowed me to say, “I can’t!” I was obliged to say, “I’ll try!” This is the first step toward success. I like
to revive the innate desire to go on in others as well as in myself. Perhaps more than anything else it
has kept me alive when my world seemed dark and hopeless indeed. Hope for the future is just as
important as faith in it.
There is an opportunity in many lands but I seriously doubt that there is another country on
planet earth where it is more prevalent than in this country – in spite of widespread graft and
corruption. Perhaps more people have lifted themselves out of despair and hopelessness here than
anywhere else. Admittedly it becomes more difficult on an annual basis as the government orginates
more legislation to make things complicated. There are more criminals via interpretation of law than by
determination of fact and necessity at all levels of society. Life will forever have it’s obstacles. When
one can not get over them nor around them the pathway is through them. One would be wise to
disallow the obstacle to demand attention rather than the goal ahead. Quite frequently we are
distracted by trifles to such an extent that we lose sight of that which is important. Priorities must be
forever readjusted to prevent them from retarding our progress.
116.
We have become a nation noted for rewarding down statistics instead of up statistics. It is
impossible to help those who – for whatever reason – will not help themselves. We have become a
welfare society in which those who work sustain those who won’t. It destroys the incentive to be
productive in those sadly lacking in pride. There are many who, for one reason or another, are
physically or mentally unable to help themselves and when we support those who are undeserving we
are less able to adequately provide for those who are. The situation was largely brought about by
Congressmen who vote for votes rather than voting for the true welfare of the country. The drain on
the economy has been and still is devastating. Those who gain the ability to help themselves provide
hope for the future.
It is good to get into a thinking mood more frequently and be able to visualize the choices open
to us if we would but take the ones most advantageous not only to us but to insure them for future
generations. I meet so many people who live for the here and now primarily because their religion has
given them no perspective on the future. Their motto is: “Get it now while I have the chance!” I have
more
117.
than ample reason to believe they will be coming back to inherit the chaos they were responsible for
creating out of their own selfishness. They have been led by those who profess to know all there is to
know about this life and one beyond but I strongly suspect they know very little about either. Their
range of vision is much too narrow and fixated and objectivity is therefore beyond their reach. There is
a wealth of things I do not know but I am forever trying to learn more. I refuse to believe I should
expect on education out of one book nor even many of them. I take the attitude of one of my favorite
philosophers, Dave Gardner – who made people laugh at themselves without wondering why, “I believe
in everything that exists because I believe in existence”.
My thoughts for tonight have been very stimulating and somehow rewarding. There are some
very nice people in my world made of the stuff I truly admire; the kind I would like to see as a majority
rather than a minority. Their capabilities reach beyond the scope of their wildest imagination.
However, they sometimes need to be convinced. To some degree I hope I can be sufficiently convincing.
Love,
Courtney
118.
9 February 1980
Dear Reader,
This afternoon I had a conversation with Holly who was surprised that it was snowing here
While she had temperatures approaching 90 degrees in Jupiter. She said that she had been getting a
suntan in the backyard. We are to get snow here for the remainder of tonight and perhaps tomorrow as
well.
Holly had won her second belt in Karate without really trying very hard. She said she had won it
by just too point and under those conditions I know she was only half-trying since I know also that she is
very proficient at that are of self-defense. I wouldn’t tackle her under any circumstances.
Her Karate instructor, Chuck, is interested in psychic phenomena and she passes along to him
data I send her on the subject. She reported that she is reasonably sure she had had an out-of-body
experience in the dream state. She told Chuck that if she was able to achieve it she would come to see
him during the night. On the night selected Chuck reported that he woke around 2:00AM, startled, and
with an awareness that there was someone else in the room. However, he couldn’t see anything. He
went back to sleep and was awakened again by the same sensation.
Cox reported having made this type of out-of-body journey without his knowledge but he
remembered it as a dream. On occasion he was reported seen by the person he had visited. Perhaps
Holly has been out. She must remember to tell herself she will be visible next time and perhaps Chuck
will be able to see her.
Love,
Courtney
119.
1980
10 February
Dear Reader,
The week-end provide me with ample time to sleep, stimulated by the cold weather outside,
and I took full advantage of it. However, I didn’t spend the week-end exclusively inside. I went out as
much as usual but not with thoughts of earning money. The streets were covered with snow, except for
main thoroughfares, and my search for warmth dominated me.
Last night George and I enjoyed ourselves teasing Dave about his denied aspects of sexuality as
expounded by the good George is reading: Goodman’s “Astrology & Sexual Analysis”. Dave is a Libra.
At Sambo’s restaurant I showed the Libra Male chapter to a waitress who arouses Dave’s attention and
once more he turned various shades of red and made feeble attempts to slide under our table. She took
as much interest in the book I suspected she would and she had as much fun with the book as we had
had. Perhaps George and I convinced Dave that the female of the species don’t consider sex as dirty a
subject as he might contend. Human’s tend to outgrow the stamp of disapproval this society places
upon the subject. Those who don’t outgrow it are likely to have the greatest amount of marital strife.
Prudes rarely contribute anything toward happiness in marriage or even out of it. They are always on
the defensive which is suggestive that the battle of the sexes is a reality rather than a myth and by such
a stance they succeed in turning the myth into reality. If you are one who believes you were conceived
in sin you had best discover why sin was conceived in the first place. Obviously you don’t know.
Love,
Courtney
120.
Dear Reader,
10 February 1980
A young lady gave me a rare compliment last night which I wouldn’t have anticipated. She was
out on a date with a young man who keeps promising he will return a book to me which the one who
borrowed it can’t seem to remember to do. Reportedly, he has read the book three times which
undoubtedly indicates he doesn’t want to part with it at all. The girl wanted to know what the book is
about and we became engaged in a discussion of the subject in which she takes a special interest. When
the discussion came to an end she wanted to know if I had been to college which I denied. She then
wanted to know how I knew so much. I felt obliged to say that one learns by studying – and so they do.
College is little more than a glorified kindergarden and having graduated from one is no proof of
intelligence. The accumulation of knowledge is an on-going endeavor and the result of non-ending
curiosity. “Seek and ye shall find” also applies to knowledge. Someone who feels they know all there is
to know aren’t likely to expand their intelligence any further. They fail to see any need for the effort.
Their curiosity has been stopped by scholastic means. This is indeed unfortunate.
Our education system gives us the best grades to those who, for a brief period of time, have the
greatest retentive memory concerning the subject matter covered and pay no attention to how much
one knows concerning the full scope of the subject matter. At best, the student
121.
has barely been introduced to the subject. They who read only one book on a subject haven’t begun to
gain mastery over it. I have a friend who attended college and believes himself well educated who
advances the argument that his professors assigned a great amount of out-of-class reading of other
books. What he neglected to say was that the professors selected the additional reading and that the
writers fully endorsed, or at least partially endorsed, the pet philosophies they adhered to. Accordingly,
the student is maneuvered into accepting the viewpoints of the professor/professors and if the student
has no inclination to do research on his own he is likely to have only one perspective on the subject even
though many others may exist. As I heard someone say on radio two nights ago, speaking for the
“Foundation of Human Relations”, this constituted brain washing even though neither student nor
parent may see it as such. Our educational system is geared to preparing the young to take their place
in the industrial complex and developing their ability to think or to explore unexplored horizons is
negated. This approach is probably even more forceful in Communist country educational systems for it
is a fact that the truth will set you free. Religions are particularly given to pushing the point that their
particular beliefs ARE the only truth which effectively terminated their flock’s efforts to expose
themselves to other points of view.
One would do well to learn from observation as well as from the spoken and written word and
analyze the objectives of speaker and author alike. All motives are not conscious but there are always
motives.
Love,
Courtney
122.
10 February 1980
Dear Reader,
Many moons ago when I was eager to unravel the mysteries of love I happened across a couple
of simple truths regarding how to escape from love and I happen to know from experience that both
work very effectively when given the added ingredient of time.
The first solution is to cut the lines of communication with the one loved. Love does not exist
without communication – and nations of the world would do well to keep in constant touch with each
other if peace is to endure. The barrier of space is essential. Someone once said that “Absence makes
the heart grow fonder – of somebody else”. During World War II I heard a tale about a girl who, upon
learning her boyfriend had been charmed by a foreign girl, wrote to him and asked what did the other
girl have that she didn’t have, to which he replied, “Nothing! It’s just that she has it over here!”.
The second solution is to fall in love with someone else. This avenue, which may or may not be
easy to follow can also create chaos for the rejected lover who may be overcome with feelings about
what, if anything, they did wrong. Someone with an intense sense of loyalty is unlikely to take this
second approach. Such a person I greatly admire since it indicates that they have what it takes to make
a happy marriage if given half a chance.
123.
Changing partners solely for the sake of changing partners is rarely justified and the one who
does so isn’t likely to profit from the change. Most often such people are emotionally immature or
disturbed or both. They may indoctrinate themselves into the belief it’s in their best interest – and quite
frequently, best for the children if there are any. Even a dumb kid has an acute awareness of what is
best for him or her and the wise parent would best get their point of view and stay in compliance with it.
No one is ever free of problems in this society but I have observed that those who are emotionally
immature usually trade a smaller group of problems for a group with greater complexity even if they
refuse to admit it. The emotionally immature can usually be identified by an unwillingness to ever
believe they are or could be wrong.
Ordinarily one person who genuinely cares about you is worth at least a thousand who don’t
and many are those who travel from cradle to grave without meeting even one of these rare few. So
many people are in love with love rather than a person. They attribute qualities to the one loved which
are non-existent and have problems when confronted with their illusions. To some degree all love is
blind and marriage is an institution of the blind. However, it endures well so long as the participants
don’t have their vision restored. There are distinct advantages to not seeing any faults in a mate and
thus the line, “Love is not not having to say you’re sorry”.
124.
Many with experiences convince themselves that love is not for them if most of their
experiences were bad but this is negative thinking and not justified. They tend to form a protective shell
around themselves as I have done, for protection. The protection is against life and therefore
unrealistic. Yet, I don’t feel that such a shell is totally without merit. Shells are fragile things which crack
under due force and I am aware that mine is vulnerable. I’m aware that much of my difficulty came
from pursuing until I was caught. I was more the lover than the one loved. There is no value in love
unless its omni-directional- at least a two way street. There should be mutual blindness or she will see
all my flaws and I’ll be unaware that she has any. More correctly said, our obvious flaws must be
mutually acceptable. Women expect men to be aggressive – within limits – but none are likely to see
any in me until I can feel the impact of some noticeable blows on my skull. It is better to be alone than
alone in love. The two are not comparable. The former is far less frustrating.
The need for love knows no age and is as much sought after by the ugly as by the handsome or
beautiful which so few people seem to understand. There is a difference between loving and desiring
which is equally misunderstood. Most unfortunate! Many are those who pass up a good mate because
their appraisals are physical in nature. I have made that mistake too. I have some beautiful children I
don’t have.
125.
For the first time since beginning this book I have felt a need to rewrite a page. It was not
because of a fear that I would embarrass a reader but because I revealed something no descendent
really has any need to know at this point in the book’s chronology. Knowing the reliability of many
American products these days the “Liquid Paper” used to obliterate the entry beneath it will probably
peel off and reveal the entry anyway. In that event, what they learn will not be of strategic importance
at the time. Certainly not to me. Time marches on and leaves no tracks.
Hindsight for most people is vastly superior to foresight and I hate to see people get hurt in
affairs of the heart. I have had more than my share of psychological torture and have felt it in two of my
daughters as well. I refused to give my consent to my elder daughter’s first marriage because I knew in
advance it wouldn’t work. I also knew it wouldn’t deter her but at least I let her know my advice to
those I care about is much better than that I’ve been known to give myself. Since then I have had two
fine son-in-laws I still hold in high esteem. They were the ones who got hurt through divorces they
didn’t want. Both of them are still single and I continually hope that my daughters will get them back
before it’s too late. Couples rarely reunite after seven months of separation. This is a factor I excluded
from the first solution on page 122 because it isn’t a factor in the formula that is concrete in nature.
Incompatibility also denotes a failure to adjust but at times it’s justified.
Love,
Courtney
126.
10 February 1980
Dear Reader,
To more or less continue with a none too desirable subject, I don’t want to be misunderstood on
the matter of divorce. There were times that I considered it but only momentarily. I always preserved
the peace in the household even if under the most trying of circumstances. Open warfare undermines a
child’s feeling of security. Once as a child I became very upset even though there had been no harsh
words between my parents. My father was constantly under fire from my grandmother because he was
in his first experience as a farmer and one day he announced that he was leaving to return to the fishing
business. In retrospect, I can now see that he would have been justified in doing so although he might
have starved. He had lost all he had in the depression and the after-effects were still going strong. He
packed his suitcase and started for the bus stop three miles away but barely walked a mile before he
retraced his steps. Although quick to anger and had the strength of a small elephant he loved my
mother with all his heart and leaving me behind was no easy matter either. At least for a few hours I
knew what insecurity felt like
127.
- from the emotional point of view – and could visualize what life would be like without my father
around. I am very much like him except for physical strength and education. His mother died when he
was eight years old and life was never easy for him. My mother’s instinct for survival was very strong
and I suspect she was correct in not agreeing to go with him when he made up his mind to leave. At the
time a man could only earn about a dollar a day doing manual labor and only then if he could find a job.
As the years went by he grew to like the country life so much he didn’t want to leave it when the time
came after I got married.
Not only was I unwilling to leave any of my kids but I was equally unwilling to subject them to
months or years of the terrible feelings I had experienced. However one marriage partner has little real
control over what the other does and even less over the way they view life in general. I don’t mean to
suggest that June and I were constantly engaged in an emotional war either. We weren’t. We had a
wide range of compatibility but not nearly so wide a range as her emotions. In her eyes her son was a
worthless chunk of humanity and her daughter could do no wrong and they acted and reacted
accordingly. When they got into trouble she defended both without much
128.
Thought to anyone or anything else. I supported her feelings until it wasn’t financially feasible to do so
and she left the first time shortly after – supposedly to avoid a nervous collapse. However, she had
other endeavors in mind. The one who desires the change isn’t likely to suffer from it emotionally – nor
will the children if they are in favor of it. If compelled to go as all of my children were the effect can be
quite traumatic. They feel guilty about the parent they leave behind even though they had no control
over it if very young and quite frequently these are the children who make unhappy marriages the first
time around as both of my elder daughters seem to prove. According to psychologists – whose theories
I question – they marry young and hastily to re-establish their originally lost home. June did much the
same thing and I still hold her father largely responsible – directly and indirectly – for much of her
emotional suffering and frustration in matters of love. I am convinced she can’t really love any man who
isn’t somewhat like him and stays on a constant search for his substitute whom she likewise hates
simultaneously.
129.
I don’t believe that any person should allow themselves to be subjected to physical brutality nor do I feel
they should subject themselves to psychological torture unless the torture out of the deplorable
situation would be as harmful or worse. I refer now to the feelings for and relationship with children.
There are parents who would and do sacrifice their lives for their children which wild animals also do as
this must be one of the laws of nature. When a change would be desired and beneficial to both parent
and child alike I would as much in favor of such a change as any psychologist or psychiatrist.
All situations are different and I don’t believe that all rules of thumb apply to all of them. One
tends to get frustrated and confused about taking any action regarding someone they love and this sort
of thing can make them physically ill or even destroy them completely. I strongly suspect that it was the
true cause of that which led to my heart operation. Rather than die of a broken heart I was at least
unconsciously prepared to choke it off so it wouldn’t operate. I suspect that June sensed it too and, to
coin a phrase, “Did me a favor” I would do for myself.
Love,
Courtney
130.
11 February 1980
Dear Reader,
Some of the recent entries have been devoted to some rather depressing subjects but sometimes there
is a certain seriousness about life which can not be avoided by turning our back on them or simply
forgetting about them. When you have the misfortune of such encounters, if you do, rest assured that
you were not the first and aren’t likely to be the last. Accept my apology if I have stopped you from
laughing occasionally in order to inject some bit of information you can put to good use for your survival
or the survival of others you know who get the feeling of having a brick or part of one firmly lodged in
the pit of the stomach. When we do not react emotionally we are capable of reacting physically and not
to our advantage. It has been said that nothing is quite so bad as indecision nor so immobilizing. For
the sake of change it is sometimes imperative to take some action even if it’s wrong. I trust nothing will
become so urgent that wrong decisions be taken but often it is only in retrospect that we can make a
reasonable judgement as to what was a wrong action and what was a correct one. An ounce of
prevention is always worth more than a pound of cure but frequently we don’t know any more about
131.
Cures than many medical and psychiatric people have proven they don’t know. (The sentence didn’t
appear to end as I had planned it either.)
Most of all, follow the dictates of your conscience and don’t be afraid to error. Sometimes we
learn far more from errors than from doing things in the most expedient manner. As I’ve said before,
everybody has problems. Drug companies turn them to their advantage and you would be wise to do
the same if you can somehow manage. You are stronger than you think you are at any given time but
there are times you must be put to the test to really find out.
Like All Capp, I’m not an expert on anything but have opinions on everything. I am deeply given
to feel sorry for people with problems because I’ve had so many myself but at the same time self-pity is
self-destruction. It keeps some people sick and seeking sympathy all of their lives. You can’t make them
stand and face their inner selves but they can do it once they make up their own mind that the status
quo reaps nothing but ill wind. To some degree we all have the same thinking apparatus and it can be
used for gain as freely as it can be used for loss. Thoughts are things and the most creative things in the
universe if properly harnessed and directed. If you don’t know about them start learning now.
Love,
Courtney
132.
12 February 1980
Dear Reader,
Occasionally something nice happens to me and I’m so shocked I do everything wrong and make
an ass of myself – you know, one of those pint-sized mules who looks as though he may fall asleep at
any moment. Last night it happened when I has a call from a nice young lady I know very well but
mistook for the daughter of some ex-in-laws who has the same name. Why I should have anticipated a
call from someone I haven’t seen for a couple of years is beyond me. I’ll have to re-read about
psychological tricks we play on ourselves.
According to one report I almost cut my throat shaving so I wouldn’t have to keep her waiting
for some puns she wanted and wanted delivered. When I try to remember something my mind often
goes blank but at least I have the confidence to try so managed to make a couple of deliveries which I
hoped served her purposes.
I have a personal attachment to the one who supposedly almost cost me a jugular vein and
suspect I have unconsciously adopted her as a replacement for some absent daughters close to her age,
not that she isn’t a winner on her own. She is intelligent beyond her years and sometimes surprises me
by being such an excellent listener which I’m not really accustomed to. She speaks and writes two
languages fluently while I’m struggling to master one. Youngsters learn faster than years ago. Had I
gotten an earlier start, by now I would probably know something.
Love,
Courtney
133.
12 February 1980
Dear Reader,
It seems I have blown St. Valentine’s day! I remembered it days ago and got a letter in the mail
to the kids with some money to buy Valentines to give their friends and hadn’t thought of it again until
this morning. I must buy them some valentines this afternoon and get them in the mail. Better late
than never! We get what we dish out so perhaps they will think of me after they have exhausted their
valentine thoughts of other people. I have trouble remembering special occasions so earn the right to
be ignored by other people.
Before going to bed last night I had the night all planned but nothing worked out. I was going to
take an out-of-body trip to see somebody I felt would report the fact to me if I accomplished it, even
though seeing me might have been a scary business. As it happened I almost reached the Alpha level
and fell fast asleep not being conscious of anything else until early this morning when Mom tacked the
most impossible task of getting me on my feet. Someday I’m going to get up when I feel like it and if I
don’t feel like it, I’ll get up the following day. I hate to go to bed and hate to leave it. Sleep is such an
essential waste of time. Allowing eight hours for sleep, should you reach ninety you will have slept
thirty years. Out-of-body experiences have great appeal to me. The body can sleep while I’m exploring
the universe.
Love,
Courtney
134.
16 February 1980
Dear Reader,
Last night I became aware that I haven’t been following the essence of what a friend passed on
to me many years ago with regard to writing: ”Tell them what you’re going to tell them, tell them, and
then tell them what you have told them.” It seems like a senseless devotion to duplication but yet there
must be a valid need for it. I am much given to foolishly thinking my reader mentally fills in the small
details I omit and places some emphasis on the same things I do. It is said that I write too much and yet
I do not make my essential points clearly. I must try to improve my style.
What I detest about writing is my lack of knack for using my total vocabulary. Unless reading a
technical text I rarely come upon many words for which I lack a definition even if I don’t know every
possible definition for them. There is a greater art in arranging words than in arranging flowers if each
one is to make its maximum contribution to the total effort. The novelist is one who paints with words
and therefore must have a complete command of adjectives. They add such things as color, meaning,
and reality to his texts. Unfortunately, I am too interested in real life to spend time reading about
fantasy. Life is stranger than fiction.
Love,
Courtney
135.
16 February 1980
Dear Reader,
For me, it is extremely easy to become absorbed in the emotions and goals of other people. I’m
interested in giving them the footnotes on my own experiences. It also takes my fixations off of myself.
The person who devotes themselves to self-contemplation can not only find all manner of things wrong
with their life but can become a sufferer of those manifestations. They would do better to analyze the
source of their troubles in terms of what they allow themselves to think and without blaming any
unhappiness they feel on external forces. We are largely the product of our thoughts. To make
someone else feel better we would do well to learn how to feel better ourselves.
At any particular point in time I always seem to know a person or family caught in the vice of
unhappiness with its jaws clamped so tight they feel they can’t wiggle and thus they see an escape as
the sole solution to bringing about a desired change. If this is not the dream solution, it centers around
changing somebody else which is probably the most foolish dream of all. If everyone devoted
themselves to making everyone they loved, happy, it would change the world over-night, provided they
didn’t, at the same time, try to make everyone miserable that they had a low tolerance for. When you
can’t make someone happy, at least allow them the freedom to find their own. The search for
happiness is often more expensive than a person can afford and if one becomes consumed in trying to
make someone else happy they can lose sight of what their own physical survival demands. Economy is
always a factor.
136.
Someone once said hat a man who isn’t happy in his work will never be happy and I suspect it is
equally true for women. More than 90% of the population works for money and even though the
money is seen as the means to buy those things which will supposedly make their happiness complete, it
rarely does. It is most unfortunate that men and women don’t think alike and approach happiness from
opposite directions. To some degree it is taboo for a man to discuss his work with a girlfriend or a wife
and the other way around. It becomes an exchange of feelings rather than an exchange of
understandable facts. This doesn’t mean they don’t admire the knowledge and the successes of the
other. Love must be based on mutual respect or it has a short life.
It is also unfortunate that the two sexes don’t think alike about sex. Couples are rarely in
optimum balance after the thrill wears off. According to the so-called experts on the subject, with men
it’s more physical with emotional ramifications and with women it’s more emotional with physical
ramifications. I always felt that Mother Nature played a lousy trick on human beings as compared with
other animals. The male is best suited for his physical role as a teenager and for his emotional role
twenty or thirty years later. For the female, the opposite is true. This tends to convince me that they
are most sexually compatible at about age twenty five. Before that both must have what it takes to
compromise – and also after that! When compromises are in order it is usually criticism which reigns
supreme. This can lead to disaster for both.
137.
While none of you would likely agree with me, it looks as though nature meant to link young
girls with old men and young boys with old ladies. If nature was allowed to dominate, it’s unlikely that
the world would have any over-population problems. However, nature has also decreed other matters.
Mother Nature wants to give the infant the best chance of survival so set up a yearning for parenthood
in the young since it has the greatest life expectancy. Past the late thirties comfort and security
dominate and age is only a secondary factor.
Some joker once said that the best years of a woman’s life are those ten years between 28 and
30. That being the case, I’ve shared the best ten years of two women’s lives and should be grateful for
having head that opportunity. However, I haven’t yet discovered when the best then years of a man’s
life occur. I don’t know if they are ahead of me or behind me. Based on past experience, they would
have to lie ahead.
Still another self-styled expert said that love is always the greatest when the couple doesn’t
really know each other and I haven’t as yet been able to dispute the fact. Maybe married folks would be
better off blind and deaf.
I’ve also heard that men make all of the important decisions such as who will be president,
governor, etc. and women make the trifling ones such as what kind of house they will live in, what kind
of car they will drive, what kind of food they will eat, etc. (They, in this case being either men or
husbands.)
I hope you’re happy even if you’re as confused as I am.
Love,
Courtney
138.
17 February 1980
Dear Reader,
Being very human, my feelings shift in accordance with my objectives and I don’t necessarily
have to maintain the same objectives nor feel they are in my best interests. If this is not clear to you
perhaps you had best meditate about it and try to see yourself in similar conflict for whatever reasons
you are capable of conjuring into existence. It happens to all of us and is part of our determination to
survive speaking, quite frankly, for itself. It doesn’t necessarily mean that you are greedy or gross or
evil.
With regard to marital relations I sometimes wonder what approach a man or woman would
take if they had a mentally incapable son as I do. Would they love it or hate it or allow their emotions to
wander from one to the other in accordance to the viewpoint of asset/liability? (use with here [in the
previous sentence] if prefer. Would they turn the child over to a mental institution if he/she was not
dangerous or seek to help it become normal via whatever means might be available? I once met a man
who had parted with an autistic daughter and he contended that she was just as happy under state care
as she would have been at home. I seems to be a case of assumption here, which may or may not be
valid. If the child wasn’t as happy under state care, and I seriously doubt that she was, what could she
have done about it? People tend to endorse those things which make them most comfortable.
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I began this paragraph using the term: marital relations. It does become a marital relations problem if
the parents are not in agreement. It would lead to considerable hell if the mother of our autistic son
was not in agreement with me about his welfare regarding such an issue.
Those concerned with the treatment of such children sometimes take the view that such a child
needs the equivalent of hospitalization- care under confinement- and the parent who doesn’t agree to
allow it stands in the same position of a parent who disallows the child to have treatment when
physically ill. Such people must necessarily believe that help is available whether it can be proven or not
that such help invariably leads to the child’s recovery. In the case of autism, I have seen no proof of its
existence nor have I read of any involving traditional means.
Yet, parents live less long than children and unless the autistic child recovers on his/her own its
destiny is obvious. Scientific progress is slow and frequently because it is too narrow-minded to look
beyond the traditional realm. This angers me considerably because there is no justification for it.
Psychology is hooked on behavior-modification, drugs, and very little else. I recently met a young lady
who wants to make a career out of rendering therapy to alcoholics and I seriously doubt that she will
ever experience more than temporary success. Certainly not so unless the professional world alters its
approach. It doesn’t have a cure for drug addicts either but I’m absolutely certain that one exists.
Conventional therapy has much in common with Watergate – primarily a cover-up.
Love,
Courtney
141.
Dear Reader,
17 February 1980
Last night I went to an Olde Worlde Products rally at the Holiday Inn on Mercury Boulevard in
Hampton and was sorry I couldn’t have taken an associate who, a short time ago, voiced a desire to
learn what such things are all about.
My friend and sponsor, Jim Goetcheus, has made a habit of having each of us in the business
stand and say a few words about ourselves or the business and he has come to expect me to inject some
humor into the affair which I’m ill-disposed to do unless it’s strictly by accident which he somehow fails
to realize. Somehow I almost received a standing ovation which is what he had anticipated anyway. The
exercise is good toward gaining self-confidence as a speaker and I am growing more relaxed in it with
the passage of time. I couldn’t help but wonder if I would have been as comfortable had the guest I
mentioned earlier had been there. Freud wrote about the coil-spring effect of reaction to things
thought to be funny and there is a certain knack for releasing it. This I have been trying to cultivate but
there is no book on the subject and can only be achieved by probing into tying subconscious thoughts
together in a manner not at all common to them.
Jim is a great motivator and is always trying to produce an incentive for the distributors to outdo themselves. Last night he was tempting them with a two or
142.
three day trip to the Carribbean. He wanted to know if any of us could think that big and for the first
time I interrupted him to say that I was thinking about two or three weeks in Egypt. He was totally
unprepared for this.
The truth is that we live under self-imposed limitations and rarely real ones. Perhaps by the
next rally I can think in terms of a two or three month cruise around the world. A rally only furnishes the
seeds of thought and the listener must supply the fertilizer and gather some awareness of what is seed
and what isn’t. I am attempting to coach my associate in how to shake of the shackles of thinking small
or in terms of “I can’t do it!” The human creature only uses about 10% of its mental capacity and I’m
quite certain that of that 10% I have devoted 5% of it to thinking small. I’m rapidly learning that no one
but me supplies my stumbling blocks and this is no less true for someone else. No one ever becomes
aware of their potential unless they give it exposure and stop to think about how many times they fell,
trying, before they learned to walk. Soldiers who go into battle feeling defeated usually are. The correct
attitude is always essential to success and that supposedly the subject of the earlier seminar yesterday
which I didn’t attend. What one learns at rallies and seminars is useful in all walks of life and need not
be connected solely with the texts of such gatherings.
I know so very very many people who are suffering financially because they don’t believe they
have any choice which is drastically untrue if they gained dominion over their negative thinking and
attitude.
Love,
Courtney
143.
18 February 1980
Dear Reader,
Yesterday I watched two young people barely miss an automobile accident because they were
physically fighting in an automobile. They were of opposite sexes. When one looks around them they
can find even more older people fighting – not necessarily physically – and not all of them avoid an
accident – not necessarily in an automobile-type. Having spent years as a peace-maker I can truthfully
say that if all of them can be avoided, I haven’t yet mastered the how of it but I’m still trying to learn.
“By and large” people haven’t learned about overts and coverts. When someone openly attacks
someone, verbally or otherwise, it’s usually the outcome of a covert hostility. Had the covert been
brought out into the open and meaningfully discussed it would have lost its charge and the overt
wouldn’t have taken place. This may sound too simple because it is customary to make mountains out
of mole hills rather than mole hills out of mountains. If you stop to think about it, one is as great an
undertaking as the other when it comes to mounds of dirt, or, what they may symbolize. Many of us
allow the pot to overflow before we turn off the faucet or pour some of the water out. Symbolically, in
human relations, we should make every effort to keep the pot dry.
Love,
Courtney
144.
18 February 1980
Dear Reader,
This page will complete a gross of pages and should contain something of special value or twelve
dozen wouldn’t necessarily be worth twelve dozen.
With regard to the previous entry if all of us were excellent mind-readers there would be no
need for overts but probably considerable unjustified anger. It has been said that if everybody knew
what everybody else was thinking nobody would speak to anybody. That is, until they got bored with
such a quiet world.
Taking the previous page even further, I wonder how much covert love there is around. The
kind you can not see but which the infected can feel. The amount might surprise you. I am, of course,
speaking about love here and not purely lust for lust’s sake. There are both sane and insane reasons for
hiding such things and sometimes it is difficult to determine which is which. Think of all the people who
love each other and both are waiting for the other to announce the fact. I wonder how many wander
off and maintain their silence forever. Who can say they were wise or unwise in doing so? ‘Tis said we
let our golden chances pass us by. I believe there are people who are meant for each other but it
appears, these days, that few of them succeed in getting together. The divorce rate rends to suggest it.
Those who belong together, by some interpretations, are known as soul mates but they aren’t
necessarily born in the same place at the same time.
145.
18 February 1980
Dear Reader,
Tonight I made a commitment to Olde Worlde Products to the tune of $281.41 which is barely
more than one would normally make for a new desk upon going into the usual small business. I am
skipping a few other minor expenses like post office box rent, a merchant’s license, and additional
literature. Also a small distributorship fee. The amount in the first sentence was strictly for products. If
one is in a selling business they must have products to show. One must also decide to commit
themselves to an investment if they are to get a return. Nothing out means nothing in.
More precisely, I am putting myself to the test. After a couple of years of learning about what it
takes to be successful I must resort to taking action. No matter what you learn, it is of little value if you
can not adapt it to usefulness. It is less likely that I have as many years ahead of me as I have lived
already and I have wasted enough time as a wage slave dreaming about a future which is never likely to
materialize from a weekly paycheck which, by design, is guaranteed to make one dependent upon an
employer for life. To attain any goals of magnitude one must do those things which the average man
rarely contemplates. They have little or nothing to invest and are likely to spend their entire lives
indebted to their creditors and hoping they can go on working until some funeral director gives them
their last ride in a Cadillac.
Only children who are born of non-wealthy parents are usually over-protected to an extreme
and although I had a sister born when I was twelve, I didn’t miss the influence of over-protection during
my formative years. I must compensate now.
146.
I did well on my own as a young man, rising from Messboy to Navigation Officer, because I knew
I could do it but since then I’ve spent too many years around negative people who made every effort to
convert me to average and had considerable success with e while I was really too busy as a wage earner
to think much about the trap I had walked into. It is never too late to change most things once you have
made up your mind to commit yourself fully to doing so.
At the moment I know someone else caught in a very similar trap with a somewhat similar
background and although I can try to help that person break out of it this is no real assurance of their
being able to do so since the determination comes from within and can’t be supplied externally except
in the motivational sense and through exposing them to their own dormant capabilities they may or
may not have accepted to exist. Time marches on and will mash us into the mud if we do nothing to
prevent it beyond just thinking about it. A person can become so emotionally caved in they become
fixated in the condition or are so adjusted to it they feel ‘tis better to go down with the ship than make
an effort to swim. The least I can do is toss them a life-preserver and hope they will stay afloat until
some thoughts of survival get them motivated. I met a young man tonight who apparently is no longer
living with his wife and so emotionally caved in he is devoting more thought-energy to his problems than
he is to survival. I’ve been down that road before and know why he feels so I tossed him some buoyant
ideas but he may have to struggle a while in the water before he decides to use them if he ever does at
all. If you have a spouse who gives you hell around the clock and you have done nothing to deserve it
you would probably find yourself much happier living with a dog or maybe even an alligator.
147.
I stopped at DUNKIN DONUTS on my way home and just in time to drink a cup of coffee with a
couple of friends who were late in departing for home. There is money to be made in less time than it
takes to drink a cup of coffee so henceforth I plan to trade a few cups for bucks. To some degree I shall
miss seeing those I love to laugh and joke with but someone else will probably inject some humor into
the gathering of coffee drinkers who can handle the job better than I have done. My past experiences
there have been good ones and I improved my ability to converse with strangers which will be financially
beneficial.
Sharron called me tonight, somewhat excited as she had seen some pre-Civil War pictures I
have, with gold frames, and some very similar to them selling for over $14,000 each. She was afraid I
might have turned them over to some historical library which I’ve never considered as the pictures are
of long-deceased ancestors. She wants me to put them in a safe-deposit box in view of their value. Her
story will certainly bear checking out. Maybe someday I can trade them for a house if the idea appeals
to me. There is some comfort in the possibility that I may be worth far more than I thought I was. Yet,
how does one sacrifice a departed ancestor for cash. Sharron may set me to work painting their
portraits so I’ll feel better about losing their photographs. Live does have its weird aspects.
Without more ink to provide for your inspection I shall wander off to bed and plot a dream to
entertain me ‘til morning dawns. That isn’t very far away.
Love
Courtney
148.
February 20, 1980
Dear Reader,
Recently I have become aware of certain minute barriers to my on-the-job advancement which,
of course, can not be proven but that makes them no less real nor fair. From an emotional spect it is
very difficult for a homo-sapien not to favor a friend over a person they do not know quite so well when
the friend needs some special consideration but if the friend must also meet some other criteria, such as
being a member of some certain church, I don’t feel such a bias is justified. It is extremely difficult to be
non-discriminatory since we are never really free of our childhood conditioning but when some specific
faith becomes involved it can lead to a very considerable amount of injustice. The impact of
indoctrinated bias wanders off in many unobserved directions. It can be a matter of not doing
something as easily as doing something.
When I was as kid the superintendent of Sunday School in a certain church I attended always
said a prayer after his rendering of the attendance report. In every such prayer he included the
following: “Train a child in the way he should go and when he is old he will not depart from it.” This is
both an arrogant and egotistical statement since it pre-supposes that the one doing the training knows –
beyond any shadow of doubt – what “the way he should go” is. I can and do take severe issue with
149.
Such an approach. It converts fiction into fact in immature minds and begins that with which this entry
is concerned. It causes wrongs perpetrated years later which were first born out of ignorance.
Unfortunately, religious groups are not the only instigators of such wrongs. It would not be fair of me if I
did not also point an accusing finger at the fraternities, social groups, and other associations well noted
for favoring members or the children of members over non-members or the children of non-members.
At this particular moment in time we gear our thinking toward discrimination due to race or sex since
these two categories get the greatest contemporary attention on a national basis. They are the tip of a
much larger iceberg.
The church did not become free of evil with the end of the dark ages. So many of its actions
merely became covert rather than overt. Almost any pious soul would disagree with me and place the
blame on the individual so the church can escape its own “sins”. This approach works extremely well
with those who fail to think and appraise on the basis of fact.
The western churches promote some of the most twisted logic in the world. Most of the ones in
this country go out of their way suppressing sex but without realizing that without sex they would have
no members.
Love,
Courtney
150.
28 February 1980
Dear Reader,
My evening nap ended abruptly due to some rare inability to sleep so after shaving I went out
into the lightly falling snow to Dunkin Donuts and later to Sambo’s. George had been taking pills for a
painful back which had produced the side-effect of placing him in a joyful and erotic mood. To see him
drastically altered from his normally bored state of mind was a surprise that none of us were adjusting
to very well. It provided us with a few laughs but didn’t do much for my mood.
Early this morning I called Florida and talked to June. The food money I hd wired her two days
ago had not arrived or she had not been informed about it. She said she would call back if it wasn’t
awaiting her at Western Union in Jupiter. Her silence on the subject into this night, I must assume, has
provided me with the answer. Western Union promised to check on it from this end but never called to
reveal their findings.
I was five minutes late for work this morning after learning about June’s progress toward getting
a high interest loan for the purpose of buying out a craft and frame shop in Jupiter. Having already
provided my cautious views on the subject I was mostly a listener in the conversation. When it comes to
property she has had a knack for making good selections but she has no track record for business
151.
Investments. Business is poor and getting worse as the public gets harder hit by inflation. If she tried to
evaluate the future in terms of the past she will lose all that she now has. I don’t know how long
Washington can continue to generate prosperity by giving out optimistic forecasts. I’m in no position to
get her out of big financial troubles which could easily develop before she can realize enough profit to
lighten her financial load. However, her risks are her own and I don’t anticipate that she will exercise
much caution. In a booming economy what she has happened across would seem very good. These are
not normal times even though they appear otherwise superficially. I would rather see her invest in real
estate as it would insure a home for the children but she is anxious to make money NOW because she
needs to feel independent. I don’t expect her to listen to me. Had she taken my advice she wouldn’t
have moved to Florida nor into an area where she now resides. Jupiter is barely a town at all and could
be best described as a residential suburb of Tequesta which has very little more to brag about. The
arts/crafts/frame shop is in Tequesta.
Making frames is something I’ve never seen a woman do and woodworking is not June’s cup-otea. If she gets help it will be expensive. The place already
152.
has an experienced craftsman if she can manage to keep him on the pay-roll. Years ago she wanted me
to venture into such a business but I have seen too much professional framing being done to look upon
it as something capable of holding my interest.
I went for a another Civil Service job interview yesterday and I’m optimistic that I might be
selected for it. It’s a GS-11 slot and I would automatically go into the 4th step. I checked on what it
would net me financially today and it would mean an annual increase of about $525.00. This was more
than I had previously thought. I’m not so much enthusiastic about the monetary reward as I am eager
to do something different. I probably wouldn’t be able to get time off on a quarterly basis to make trips
to see the kids and I wouldn’t like to feel hampered in that direction. However, it seems unlikely that I
will be seeing them as frequently as in the past anyway. The previous entry is not a factor in my
decision should I get the opportunity to change jobs.
It has stopped snowing now and without any accumulation but that which fell has fallen to
become a slippery sheet of ice. There must have been as much sleet in it as snow.
I suspect that if June goes into business and finds she can’t handle the framing end of it she will
want me to come down and take over that
153.
end of it which I don’t feel inclined to do. If I can build up my own business I would like to go to Florida
and continue it there, not the framing business. I would prefer to live well north of Jupiter but within
easy driving distance from there. The Gulf Stream curves away from the coast at Jupiter and an hours
drive to the north from there one finds seasonal changes. I had seven years of almost perpetual
summer and remember it well.
It would be a relief to me to see June successful. It would be advantageous to the children and
free me of a considerable financial burden. However, I can’t see any benefits for Billy. He will be alone
more than before and will have little incentive to leave his own little world. I much suspect that his
gains in life will be somewhat dependent on what my life turns into. June is as interested in his future as
I am but is prone to look to the medical and psychiatric world for answers from which none are
forthcoming. Behavior modification and drugs only deal with effect, not cause. No theory is any good
that fails to produce lasting results.
Love,
Courtney
154.
29 February 1980
Dear Reader,
I haven’t found that I was alone in my discontented mood last night. Perhaps there was some
planetary influence at work to bring out verbal eruptions of an uninhibited nature. There were
surprising out-puts from the female kind as well. There is such vast marital disenchantment these days.
Almost everybody seems to think they would be happier in some other situation rather than the one
they are in. Repetition causes boredom but life itself is repetitious. It appears certain that we didn’t
venture into the physical manifestations of planet earth to be entertained. It’s more obvious that we
are here to confront what we are confronting or to flee from it if it becomes monotonous and we don’t
learn how to restrain our flight. Problems are inevitable if we don’t accept them as challenges. Even
livestock believes the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. They jump over but given enough
time they will jump back.
At any given time, only the now exists. The past is gone and won’t return and few of us can look
into the future. We look to the future to bring us whatever we haven’t had a chance to enjoy and hope
that it will be more
155.
delightful than what we have had already. We want dessert continuously but if we allowed ourselves to
have it on such a basis we would soon look to the main course as the dessert. We are allowed breaks in
the monotony but if we spend too much time in them they become monotony in breaks. We always
want to change the rules in the game of life but nature usually punishes us if we do.
People who grow up away from their peers learn how to be self-entertaining and this ability
comes in very handy in marriage. No one has the capacity to constantly entertain or tolerate constant
entertainment. Conversation requires subject matter and subject matter requires accumulation. There
is always time to accumulate subject matter but too few have the curiosity or the open-mindedness to
be allow it to be satisfied. In a few weeks the average couple expends their storehouse of truly
entertaining material and look to the other to come up with something new but upon it they impose all
the usual censorship. I sometimes wonder
156.
why this is so strongly endorsed in view of the restriction it causes. This is a product of society and its
accepted mores.
I feel extremely sorry for the old who have spent their youth being conventional and are
unaware of the source of their resentfulness to the younger generation which always appears to be
more liberal even if such is largely an illusion. So much which is handed down from one generation to
another lacks a need for its existence. We would be unlike our actual nature even if it costs us half the
fun to be had from living. Every word and action must be prim and proper no matter what it costs, in
mixed company. The one who fails to exercise self-censorship and restraint is looked upon with
displeasure but I much suspect that the true source of the displeasure stems from jealousy. I witness a
variety of it in my mother who gets angry every time she hears/sees an “Oil of Olay” commercial on
television. This product supposedly makes all women beautiful but she accepts the fact that it won’t
help her any at her advanced age so therefore it should be banned to all women. Girls and boys want to
look like women and men and life seems to pass at a snail’s pace but older women and men want to
look like girls
157.
and find they can’t slow down the rapid passage of time. Both would like to stop the aging process at
the magic age of about 25 when sex and sex appeal are most fruitful.
Much has been said about growing old gracefully but I suggest that it is to appease one’s self.
There is little gracefulness to be exploited in growing old. Of course I speak in the physical sense. In the
mental sense there is such a thing provided one has learned how to learn and become aware of the vast
sum of what they don’t yet know. We live and learn and die when we know the most. In terms of
knowledge Dr. Ivan Stevenson has said that our knowledge becomes like growth rings on a tree in terms
of successive incarnations. If this be true our earlier intelligence is blotted out by parents so hell-bent to
help us but are primarily concerned with our physical survival and, particularly in western culture, give
us credit for knowing absolutely nothing at birth.
However society is a different animal and learns less rapidly than individuals. Eventually it might
yet get out of its infancy.
Love,
158.
1 March 1980
Dear Reader,
When I got out of bed this morning the snow was already falling. I wasn’t aware that we were in
for a major snow storm until much later. The snow stopped for about an hour earlier in the afternoon
but thereafter continued heavily. This one seems destined to set another record.
I spent most of the afternoon trying to solve tape recorder problems without any gigantic
success. I wanted to dup a recording I made Friday morning about the financial mess the country is in to
send to June before she has the time to make the big financial plunge she has in mind. Of course it isn’t
likely to alter her thinking but I want her to be fully aware of the risks involved. I have now completed
the dub and am taping something special for Holly, Addie, or whoever may be interested.
About 6:00 PM I set off into the snow in search of cigarettes and gasoline but only succeeded in
getting the cigarettes. I had called Dunkin Donuts earlier and talked to Tom Dunno who passed along
info that the heating system had been fixed and it was quite comfortable there for a change. I made
Dunkin Donuts my first stop getting there just as Herb and Renade came to pick up their daughter Anne,
who works there on week-ends so went with them to Sambo’s restaurant for a bite to eat. The snow
grew steadily worse while we were discussing economies and other matters.
159.
On my way back home I stopped and bought Laura, who also works at D.D., a container of chilli.
She was concerned that her husband wouldn’t be able to get out of his driveway to pick her up at
midnight so I offered to come back for her in case he didn’t. Since no call came, I suppose he made it
OK. Right now the temperature stands at about 17 and the snow is still falling. There is some drifting
and the wind is expected to increase in the night. The tracks made by the Datsun in the driveway earlier
have already filled in. I haven’t seen a blizzard like this in Virginia since I was a kid.
I have worked more on tape recorders tonight and believe I have at least solved some input
problems involving impedance matching. It annoys me that the manufacturers of home recording
equipment do not standardize input and output impedances as is done in the broadcasting equipment.
I’m not nearly so frustrated by the problem as those people who have no knowledge of electronics. Of
course most of them don’t interconnect much equipment anyway. They buy standard tapes and records
and use them on what they have.
Love,
Courtney
160.
Dear Reader,
2 March 1980
March has roared in like a lion and, if old sayings are valid, should go out like a lamb. The
Groundhog saw his/her shadow this year and we have had most of the six weeks of bad weather which
supposedly follows this event. Of course it doesn’t always hold true. I wish I knew where and how such
tales get started.
The practice of saying “Bless you!” when someone sneezes came about when it was thought
that the devil would possess someone at such a time and the “Bless you!” was to render the horny
creature unable to do so. People are normally covered up when they die for the same reason. It seems
certain that people are far more interested in the devil than he is in them.
A very few months ago I received a packet of literature from a Doctor Whitehouse in Virginia
Beach who supposedly was able to help sick and retarded people by psychic means utilizing a
“radionics” machine. (He is a professional chiropractor.) Last night I learned that the State Medical
Board has deemed him to be a quack and is out to retract his license. I was pleased to learn that he has
a witness in his defense from the Stanford Medical School in California. The medical profession hasn’t
proven to me that those with standard techniques are any more successful in curing cancer or
retardation than he is. One must be traditional or else! Science is in a bad way due to narrowmindedness. Just a short time ago I read that Science hasn’t discovered anything spectacular in about
30 years. Of course it has taken credit for a few discoveries of non-earth-shattering consequence.
Technically, the Japanese are making our technology look somewhat as their clay trinkets and tiny paper
umbrellas looked to us prior to World War II. Japan is about to pass us in auto production and has made
it impractical for anyone to try to outproduce them in electronics for home use. The Japanese are now
putting more circuits on a printed circuit chip than we are.
It was interesting to hear, just a few days ago, that American manufacturers are now learning
how to improve their production via the Japanese technique of brainstorming the production
employees. For most of my life management has looked to itself for improved know-how. It has been
mistakenly taken for granted that the man-on-the-job is an idiot compared to his educated brothers.
Americans are innovative people if their innovativeness is not stifled but by and large management
defeats itself by subduing the expression and pride of the workers.
162.
The younger McCormick of the McCormick spice company who took over the top role from the
founder turned a losing operation into a multi-million dollar massive success by listening to his
employees and encouraging them to offer suggestions. Of course almost every large corporation- and
the government- encourages suggestions but only half-heartedly. I learned about that system long ago.
When I went into the Civil Service I made three small suggestions. None were considered, not because
they were poor but because management couldn’t be bothered with small improvements. Those who
can not endorse my small suggestions will not get my larger ones. Those I know who have made the
larger type were belittled too, and in most cases they were adopted and claimed by someone in
management at a later date. One of mine was adopted in that manner. Some workers suggest
continuously but perhaps they have nothing better to do with their time. In the case of the government,
the money saved through the suggestion program is wasted elsewhere and the kinds of waste I’m
familiar with will get no funds through my inventiveness.
Of course you could say I have the wrong attitude and you are entitled to your opinion but hell
will freeze over before I agree with you. I know how the system works as well as shy it fails to work. I
have said it before and will repeat it here that I’ve never met an ignorant man who couldn’t teach me
something if I but listened with an open mind and observed in a likewise manner. Those who contend
to know everything show how little they do know.
Love,
Courtney
163.
3 March 1980 (1:30am)
Dear Reader,
The snow piled high and deep yesterday and the blizzard still rages. I slept late and called my
friend George at Dunkin Donuts around 2:00PM. I was surprised at how many coffee guzzlers had
assembled at the horse-shoe end of the counter. George said that Herb and Renade had walked next
door to the Steak ‘n Egg but I assumed they had dropped Anne off at work and gone home in the
blizzard. I was surprised to get a call later in the afternoon from Renade insinuating that I might be a
chicken if I didn’t face the wintry blast and crawl out of my place of hibernation.
Of course I went. Didn’t have much trouble once the Datsun cleared the driveway at home until
I tried to get into the parking lot at Dunkin Donuts. I didn’t have enough momentum so my tires started
spinning out near the road side of the parking lot. A black fellow was walking down the snow-covered
sidewalk and completely without my knowledge he pushed me free by hand and nudged the Datsun all
the way to a parking slot. He must have thought I knew but I didn’t learn about it until I got inside. I
could easily have backed over him. I felt very badly about not having thanked and rewarded him for his
help but I shall catch up with him eventually and compensate him for my unaware rudeness.
164.
When Anne got off from work I met her, Herb, and Renade at Sambo’s where I had a sundae and
coffee while they had a bite to eat. Dave, who is on a diet, stopped in to watch. We chatted for a while
and I made it home without incident. Also stopped for a gallon of milk on the way. When I reached
home the snow had drifted to a depth of about two feet along the front side of the house. Since then
the wind has increased considerably. The snow is very dry and will create a few ridges of quite some
height by morning.
Ft. Eustis is supposedly closed except for essential personnel but by believing this I lost 8 hours
of annual leave after the last heavy snowfall. I expressed by views about the swindle but it did no good.
I trust the government to be as ethical as I can throw and elephant if a very minute amounts to half a
mile. I am not a politician nor one of a favored class so must accept that handed those in my category)y.
As individuals, there is little wrong with those who make up the work-force but unfortunately they do
not make policy nor enforce liberty and justice for all. I probably won’t be able to get out of the
driveway in the morning. I have little intention of doing so anyway. If I do go out it will probably be for
cigarettes, coffee, gasoline and last-but-not-least, good conversation.
Love,
Courtney
165.
3 March 1980 (2:00AM)
Dear Reader,
One of my cousins in Richmond, Doris, called to pass the word that my aunt, Lucy, passed
passed away. (I suppose after midnight). She selected a cold night to go. Richmond has about 18” of
snow. The temperature here must be about 20 degrees but the chill factor must be near or below zero.
My aunt, whom I call “Lou”, was very close to me during and shortly after World War II when I
was single and went to Richmond quote frequently. She had four children: Charlie, Catherine, Lina, and
Doris. Doris was born at our house at Buckroe when I was about four. Lina is nearest to my age
although a month or two younger.
“Lou” married William Walker who was the father of all of her children but he died of
tuberculosis when I was about 11 or 12 years old. He had been married before but had no children. He
wore a collar around his neck to help support his head. I suppose he must have had tuberculosis of the
neck. We went to see him frequently when I was a kid, usually on Sundays after church.
Mom says it is too cold for her to go out to a funeral. It is probably too cold to dig a grave and
the site couldn’t be located in the snow. The body will probably be preserved until the weather
improves. I will probably be going to the funeral after a date is set.
166.
Lou has been in a nursing home for several years and had a stroke two or three months ago –
maybe more- and her doctor allotted her about two weeks to live. She just wasn’t ready to go. She has
been in a coma all this time. At times Doris was certained she understood something of what was going
on around her but Lou was very senile and her mind seemed to go in and out of focus even prior to the
stroke.
She was the elder of my mother’s sisters and was about 84 or 85 at death (84 I believe). She
came nearer than anyone else has thus far in living as long as my maternal grandfather. She went to the
old one-room school at Ino, Va and later to Center Cross’s Rappahannock District High School which I
also attended. She had two years of college at Mary Washington College in Fredricksburg which was
then called “The State Normal School”. Other than at Ino, she spent most of her life at Walkerton, Va.
and in Richmond. She lived on Grove Avenue for a number of years. She had a rough time raising her
children on her own and remarried after Doris was a teenage to a guy named Percy. (I’ve forgotten his
last name.) The marriage lasted two or three years. Prior to that we used to tease her about a fellow
named Christopher Dooling who took a great fancy to her but she wasn’t interested. He was chubby
and had a red face but a nice old man. She never became a religious nut and I admired her for that.
Love,
Courtney
167.
3 March 1980 (2:30 AM)
Dear Reader,
I’m writing into the early morning hours hoping to soon finish this book and store it away for my
descendants. Not many more pages to go. If I had it all to write over again I would do it differently and
tell you so much I left out intentionally. I would take my time and be more the writer than the storyteller – selecting my choice of words and taking time to spell more correctly. However, I wouldn’t have
covered so much so quickly. If I made you think my efforts hasn’t been wasted. If you think I’m a nut
you are ill prepared for the new world of which I expect to be a part. I challenge you to find me if I’m
unaware of my next identity. I won’t look the same nor be doing the same things but chances are great
I’ll know the same entities and I suspect the unaware among them will be catching up and doing much
better at separating the wheat from the chaff.
According to Hoy – and I mean that literally: a guy who lives in Kentucky – I was to meet
someone destined to make me very happy, within seven months, and since two of them have flown by
already I’ve either met her already or I only have five more months to wait. Life is full of surprises and
maybe Hoy is right, if he isn’t all wet. ‘Tis too soon to say. Since Hoy has a Ph.D. I can’t say that I respect
his credentials.
168.
I had a friend in Ohio and she might be still friendly as far as I know but I don’t know and won’t
worry about it in any case.
There is another gal in the extreme northwest I get a kick out of teasing but I’ve never seen her
even though I’ve seen a number of her pictures but she is too cotton-pickin’ young and I’m just getting a
kick out of her reactions. She writes to people all day every day, since that’s her job, and how she finds
time to type me a note now and then is still a mystery. It seems to me I met her before Hoy’s seven
months started so I’m not really thinking about her. (I wouldn’t anyway.)
This brings up the subject of meeting people and meeting people. You can know people for
years and not know them at all. According to the bible when one of the characters knew a female-type
character that usually meant she got pregnant and on that basis I don’t wanna know anybody. You can
also meet people and then suddenly meet them in an entirely different way. Perhaps I should check
with Hoy and find out more precisely what he meant. There is pleasure in meditating about such things
and laughing about them as well.
Once in a great while I meet a female-type who is made out of the right kind o’ stuff and has her
head screwed on right but it’s extremely rare. Maybe I’m too hard to please. I have several friends who
are always trying to fix me up with some female but that isn’t the only prerequisite. Of course it could
be for them but I’m not them and they fail to comprehend that. There has to be some sort of
communication possibility. I may be a wall-flower by some standards but I don’t normally talk for just
the sake of talking unless the subject is trivial and one of us is looking for a laugh. My best buddy can
have fun talking about church and Sunday School and therefore has no problem selecting girlfriendsand especially so in this section of the bible belt. If I had to find rapport via such means I would have to
bite my tongue and my tongue is just too sensitive for that. He has a scientific mind but hasn’t ventured
beyond it yet. Perhaps he never will. We sit around feeling sorry for each other but we are still friends.
I’ve seen him in marriage twice before and there was usually a contest on to find out who could watch
television the longest without falling asleep and often they both won. The one who woke up first would
awaken the other and they would wander off to bed annoyed by uncomfortable muscles. Apparently
church and Sunday School aren’t enduring subjects. However, I’ve found that people find so much to
talk about before they get married they have exhausted their subject-matter by the time they do and
they rarely have an self-improvement courses going that they can discuss. If they learn anything new it
is largely accidental. So far I haven’t seen an ideal marriage yet and I’m by no means sure that such a
thing exists. However, I suspect it’s possible but takes considerable effort.
170.
It’s also rare to find my kind of girl in the single state and I don’t monkey around with one who
isn’t. There’s no future in it. It might be nice to get shot by a jealous husband at 92 but I’m much too
young for that as yet. Should I get adventurous I’ll wait until after my 91st birthday at least. Of course I
don’t think a guy needs a license to look or to listen. I do that all of the time. The man – or woman –
who doesn’t wander off course and indulge in taboo things psychologically is a liar. Jimmy Carter was
the first American president to tell the truth in that respect. The frequency or the extent doesn’t really
matter. There are two ways to be human: acceptable and unacceptable.
It has taken me years to learn how but I now control my emotions more than I allow them to
control me. I’m perfectly capable of falling in love and out of it without it being obvious to anyone
unless I deem otherwise. There are people of the opposite sex I especially like to be around without any
deep-seated emotional feelings at all. To me, they are just nice people. If I create any wrong
impressions it’s unintentional. On the other hand, I suspect these are the ones I could fall in love with if
they gave me any incentive. If I do already know somebody who is destined to make me happy it would
be nice if she kicked me in the shins or did something to let me know. I’m not hell-bent to be
unemotional just for kicks. One should have other goals in life.
Love,
Courtney
171.
4 March 1980
Dear Reader,
It annoys me to have poor recall on names even though they are probably easier to remember
than a number would be if everyone had a number instead. (More on that later.) A few minutes ago I
was talking to Renadé about Freud and brought up the movie but couldn’t remember who played the
star role. It was Montgomery Cliff, an excellent actor but with severe problems.
Shortly before Herb called me tonight I was trying to locate a book I had which contained most
of Freud’s writings and a Psychology Dictionary, to take her. Reading Freud is a lengthy undertaking and
a beginner in psychology is likely to wade through volumes before learning his vocabulary and its
meanings. I know why she is anxious to read Freud and I find it commendable but I’m also opposed to
it. Her reasons are not dissimilar to those which led me to the work of Freud and many others in the
psycho-analytical field. I was looking for answers and felt that I found many but they didn’t change the
program on the TV set. (This is a statement that only she is likely to understand but it is not important
to you.) Those who followed Freud were eager to prove on of two things: that his theories were all wet
or that he barely scratched (scratched) the surface. Most of them failed to be aware of their own ego or
what their motivations were. They developed still more theories but theories never really solve
problems and only provide an attempt to understand their cause. The track record of psycho-analysis is
extremely poor. The psychiatric approach is to talk someone into living with and enduring their
problems, not to solve them. If all else fails they bury the problems with drugs or resort to behavior
modification techniques which effectively substitute one manifestation for another. Basic cause is still
present and untouched.
172.
I am much opposed to psychiatrists completing medical school before going into psychology. If
biases them toward drug therapy and many phoney traditions. They become absorbed in materialistic
concepts and consider mind and body as one entity. They fail to make any distinction between mind
and brain and have very little knowledge about either. On the other hand one can easily make a religion
out of psychology and substitute degrees of mental aberration for the sin concept and believe that
salvation can be secured on the psycho-analytical couch. There are gross errors in both approaches.
Psychology does have application in mind control which enslaves people in industry and causes them to
accept deplorable conditions or leads them to the economy slaughter through crafty advertising
techniques. So many products are good only because the consumer is led to believe they are by the
Madison Avenue crowd. It’s also useful in causing people to die for a cause for which there is no sane
justification. It is used more for exploitation then for help.
Those who receive help in the psycho-analytical context are those who not only do it voluntarily
but have vast amounts of money to spend. There is much faith involved just as there is in obtaining
physical cures. You must accept what you can’t change and learn to know your limitations in what you
should attempt to change. People change because they want to change, can se rewards for doing so,
and, most essentially, have the determination to see it through. Most people who have problems would
feel lost without them even if they aren’t likely to admit this to themselves. They love the sympathy or
whatever else they profit from in arousing. This is the true nature of psychosomatic illnesses.
Renade is an extremely intelligent girl in love and like any intelligent person she looks for
intelligent solutions when confronted with problems in life. I have a proclivity for the same approach.
Hope is something
173.
Which sustains many people. Especially so in affairs of the heart. Many people di solely due to the lack
of it. It can be dangerous to depend too much on hope and suddenly lose it. This, I have experienced
too. I know what it’s like to cling to nothingness and I sometimes wonder what sustained me. Perhaps
my children. Perhaps my willingness to recognize an even deeper hope for change. The most violent
storms are followed by sunshine if one will only muster the patience to await it. Each violent emotional
upheaval, to some degree, partially immunizes one against violent reactions to the next. I’m quite
convinced that those who know how to love someone else have mastered the art of self-love provided
their love for someone else wasn’t solely selfish. In marital situations participant often consider the one
hurt, weak. This is very rarely true. When the one not hurt experiences it, only then can they know.
Just as the know-it-all indicates a lack of knowledge, so does the bully show his weakness. There are
many disguises which lead to confusion. However, I’m wandering away from my subject.
If one finds psychology interest, great! [?] If they find it interesting, great also. Therapeutically
speaking, it should be used only learning how to like the program. ‘Tis easier to adapt to the
environment. One must develop the psychic power of mind-over-matter before any success can be had
at adapting the environment to self. The only thing permanent in life is change. That must also include
self. Extremely few of us are the same as we were even a month or two ago. Yet, we have very little
real love for change. We prefer to have the conditions under which we were the happiest or at least the
most comfortable. Our tastes and reactions change in accordance with our growth – or the lack of it.
174.
I don’t disapprove of anyone reading Freud because of the sexual approach Freud took in
relation to analysis. The sexual side of life can not be ignored nor banned as our Western culture tries to
do. The effort merely enhances the individual’s interest in it t an abnormal extent. The strongest
instinct we have is that of survival which is second only to the urge of the species toward survival. It is
impossible to draw much of a line of demarcation between the two. There are perhaps more sexual
problems here than in any country in the world. I believe, as Freud did, that they are responsible for a
gigantic undercurrent of neurosis. Wherever Christianity is prevalent you will find neurotic people in
abundance. As Phillip Wyle so wisely said, the church robs us of our instincts and attempts to sell them
back to us.
The view of sex imposed upon us breeds many guilt complexes and cuts us off, to some degree,
in normal self-expression. The sexually unhappy person in this society is obliged not to let it show but it
does find other manifestations just the same. It is responsible for considerable cruelty and
condemnation of things entirely unrelated to sex. Saint Paul never suggested that marriage could be
happy and he recommended it solely as a means of getting around the sin of fornication. The Apostles
perpetually condemned that they obviously hungered for to an extreme. This is very typical of what
sexual self-suppression does to an individual without regard to their up-bringing. In Western societies
the female is sexually shielded far more than the male and leads to far more divorces than the public
will acknowledge. It is practically impossible to change one’s attitudes over-night even if the instinct is
there but this is expected of the new bride, often with very disasterous consequences.
175.
Freud found his patients preoccupied with sex and dared to say so and relate his findings.
People in Western societies have very considerable difficulty correlating sex with love. They primarily
see them as separate entities. Youth is now over-riding the religiously inspired taboos but haven’t yet
mastered the intelligence the transition requires. Youngers think in terms of free love rather than
normal and natural love. Accordingly, they get into trouble. Their sexual education has improved but
still leaves much to be desired. In the home situation the natural relationship between parents is still
obscured for the sake of the taboo rather than in terms of intelligence. Inhibition is still fostered. Men
and women view the sexual side of life differently so it would be advantageous if fathers told daughters
about sex and mothers told sons. Both parents currently leave sex education to the peers of their
children or the school system. This is most unfortunate. My elder daughter corrected her peers in their
distortion of facts and was never ashamed that she knew them via her father. As far as I know she never
had any problems with sex and had she had any, she would have discussed them with me first.
Sex has necessity beyond procreation and functions as an emotional tranquilizer far surpassing
substitutes. Havelock Ellis wrote extensively on the psychology of sex and that side should never be
ignored. The psychologically disturbed person is sexually unhappy and the sexually unhappy person is
psychologically disturbed. The two are inseparable. Humans are the only animals with sexual and
psychological problems. Their intelligence has evolved but not nearly enough. I hope I have at least
helped you to visualize the need. Life is very simple provided you don’t make it complicated.
Love,
Courtney