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Mar 3
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Why do you hate sex?
Communion
Song of Solomon 4:16-5:1; Matthew 19:3-9
Children: Nathan and David story about a lamb
I don’t know if you saw the Super bowl halftime show this year, but I remember thinking
the one with the “wardrobe malfunction” was not as provocative as this one. Sex sells, and sex is
everywhere in our culture and our entertainment. Sex is thought of as a commodity to be traded,
a pleasure to be exploited. Movies, literature, and TV portray sex in a way is permissive and I
think naïve. The only constraint on sex is consent. As long as both parties consent, anything
goes.
Fear of sexually transmitted diseases, unwanted pregnancy, cultural pressures, or even the
potential for sexual abuse don’t seem to inhibit sexual activity like they used to. Feminist author
Naomi Wolf says we have raised a generation of young women who “don’t see sex as sacred or
even very important any more. That’s been lost. Sex has been commodified and drained of its
deeper meaning.” (p. 103)
Standing in that culture, the church seems unwilling to talk about sex. We get flustered
by words, images, and attitudes that are flooding our digital culture. The church is frozen in a
“don’t do it and don’t talk about it” response that has left many people assuming that God hates
sex or that God is uncomfortable with sex. God invented sex. God created us male and female so
that it requires one of each for reproduction. God has made us so that sex can be very enjoyable.
God said be fruitful and multiply. Sex is a part of God’s plan for life.
There is a book in the Old Testament that we don’t read from in church very often.
Solomon was the third king of Israel and the wisest man in the world. The Song of Solomon is
very much about passion and attraction. It is a celebration of erotic love and it doesn’t sound like
it is from a God who hates sex. It celebrates love and sensual delights. “Eat, friends, drink, and
be drunk with love.” (Song of Solomon 5:1)
Perhaps the reason people think God hates sex is because of all the restrictions the church
puts on having sex. The UMC position is fidelity in marriage and celibacy in singleness. For
many these restrictions seem too severe. But just about everybody thinks we ought to have some
boundaries for appropriate sexual behavior. The question usually involves where to draw the
lines and deciding what is best for us. What are the right restrictions to put on sex?
God has made sex extremely pleasurable and God has made it extremely powerful. As
with other powerful things or urges, we need to be careful how we use them, because they can
easily become destructive and addictive. In the Song of Solomon we are warned three times not
to stir up or awaken love until it is ready. But we live in a society that is constantly trying to stir
up and awaken desire. We need boundaries to protect this gift from God. We need to guard our
eyes and what we see. We need to be careful what we read and who we hang out with, especially
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late at night. A few simple boundaries, if respected go a long way in helping us control what we
do with this gift.
As the church seeks to set a moral standard, the church is accused of being too rigid and
God is accused of hating sex. But God does not hate sex, and the church shouldn’t either. God
has given us a context for sex to be fully protected, appreciated and enjoyed – we call it
marriage. Marriage is when a man and a woman are united physically, spiritually and
emotionally. Genesis 2:24 tells us that as a husband and wife are united, they become one flesh.
Sex joins people together in a way that goes beyond physical or temporary pleasure. In a
profound and God-given way, sex binds us together. Sex is not a commodity to be exchanged or
shared indiscriminately. Sex creates such problems and hurts practiced outside of the bounds of
marriage. Our desire for closeness and commitment are somehow wrapped up in the act of sex. If
shared with one partner, the bond becomes stronger and stronger, but sharing it with others
reduces its ability to bind two together as one and often destroys the trust needed in a marriage.
In Matthew 19 Jesus was approached with a question about divorce. There were two
main schools of thought in the community. The conservative school that said divorce was only
acceptable for a just cause, such as infidelity or abandonment. The liberal school said any cause
was enough if the wife failed to please the husband. An event as simple as burning the toast was
sufficient to justify the divorce. The underlying question was when is it lawful? Is it in
accordance with the law of God for a man to divorce his wife for any cause? Is that how God
wants us to act?
While they were debating what they could get away with, Jesus went back to God’s
design for marriage. Jesus quoted Genesis as he taught God’s plan for marriage being permanent.
Their response was to point out that Moses allowed for divorce, to which Jesus agreed that
Moses, the giver or bringer of the law, did allow it, because of the hardness of the people’s
hearts. Scripture clearly teaches that divorce is not God’s plan for a marriage, but in our hardness
of hearts and our sin, we sometimes fail.
The primary question for the church as a matter of policy is, “What do we do with
sinners?” I think the church should do everything it can to protect and strengthen and encourage
marriages, but when marriages fail, the church should also be the place for support, forgiveness,
acceptance, and restoration. When we fail in matters of chastity, fidelity, and purity, forgiveness,
acceptance and restoration are possible, and what defines us is not our past, but what we do
going forward. We are all sinners saved only by the grace of God.
God has given us the gift of sex, which when practiced within a relationship of
commitment, brings a man and woman so close they become one flesh. But it is also in our
nature to look at boundaries and think the grass is greener on the other side of the fence, and that
the absence of fences makes for freedom and joy. But is that really freedom? Is it really
beneficial? Or is it a lie that leads us away from God and real joy?
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The lie, as old as the Garden of Eden, is that God does not have our best interests at heart.
That God has made all these rules to keep us in our place and inhibit our enjoyment of life. But
the truth is God does have our best interests at heart. Sex is a gift for our enjoyment, especially
when we honor the gift and use it appropriately.
When Julia and I were in our early 20s, we were invited to attend a Friday night Bible
study at the home of an older couple in our church. They must have been in their late 30s,
perhaps even in their early 40s because their oldest son was a senior in high school. I thought
they were really old and kind of dumpy. One evening we were sitting around the dining room
table reading the Bible and the husband started talking about how he and his wife’s physical
relationship was better now than it had ever been because they were just continuing to grow
closer together.
I was shocked and grossed out and wanted to climb under the table, but it was a witness I
needed to hear. It was not a message that made sense to me in my youth, it was not the message I
was hearing at work, especially on our trips out of town, it was not the message that the church
was comfortable talking about, but it is God’s design for couples and it is true. It is the miracle
God works as a couple devotes themselves first to God and second to each other. Everything
else, even children, come farther down the line.
The sacramental nature of marriage, meaning that God blesses a couple in and through
marriage, is a wonderful mystery. As embarrassing and problematic as it can be to talk about it
openly, it is a message we should be willing to proclaim. If the church only tells the “thou shalt
not” half of the message it does sound like we are against sex and love and enjoyment of life.
God does not hate sex. God does not want to kill our joy, God wants to trust him and to
follow the one who said “I have come that you may have life and have it to the full.” (John
10:10). God’s boundaries are for our good and God has made a way for us to be forgiven and
restored when we have all sinned and gone astray. The greatest joy is found as we seek to follow
God’s way in all things, as we learn to recognize the deceiver’s voice and listen instead to the
voice of the good shepherd, the one who has even laid down his life for us.