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Riley C. Goodman
April 16th, 2015
UNIV 200 9:30 Boaz
Just Dudes Being Dudes: Self-Disclosure and Heteronormativity
In Male-Male Friendships
I’m a private person. I love to talk and I’m very outgoing, but there are really
very few people who know very much about me beyond the surface. After years of
telling important things to the wrong people, I decided by the time high school
rolled around that I needed to keep most of my personal life private. I unfortunately
learned as time passed that this is incredibly detrimental to a person’s mental
health. By the time I reached senior year, I realized that while I had plenty of girls to
go to, I never really had a guy friend who knew me. Don’t get me wrong, I have a
great group of guy friends, but none who really got me, or could just tell by the way
my voice faltered that I was upset. I found it to be an upsetting trend that I couldn’t
place my trust in a male friend, and even more upsetting that many of my male
friends also tended to not confide their emotional issues in other men.
Male-male friendships have been studied for years, but interestingly enough,
many of the results haven’t changed as time has passed. While most men surveyed
in various studies discuss the importance of disclosing in both their female and male
friends, when it comes down to it, oftentimes men do not feel as comfortable with
their friends of the same gender. The overarching concept that continues to be
expressed throughout history is the notion that men are allowed to be close friends,
but not too close. Studies that delve into male-male friendships versus male-female
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friendships, and come to the conclusion of a lack of security between men, have just
recently being conducted. Researchers assumed that male-male friendships weren’t
much beyond the baseball diamond, and if relationships developed on any
emotional level, it was an immediate sign of homosexuality in the two men. These
were your boys through thick and thin, but it was generally frowned upon to
connect on any sort of intimate or emotional level. The expectation that men remain
in this removed relationship stems from a longitudinal history of enforced
masculinity and a resulting, imposed heteronormativity. Understanding the ways in
which imposed masculinity applies to today’s social policy is essential in grasping
why male-male friendships that involve more emotional connection are taboo
unless they qualify as homosexual relationships.
From birth, Western culture employs systematic generalization of gender
binary. Men and women alike must struggle to fulfill perceived roles of masculinity
and femininity. For men this involves a world of blue, trucks, weapons and dirt. So
what happens when men begin to tread into the self-proclaimed “acidic world of
femininity”? The answer is simple, and we all know it no matter how much we
pretend we don’t. When men stray for the societal ideals of masculinity they are
looked down upon and become the source of ridicule. Society’s general homophobia
spills over as jabs towards men who don’t possess the “proper” levels of masculinity.
Although I acknowledge that being male doesn’t automatically mean a low level of
self-disclosure, it can be claimed that lower levels of self-disclosure caused by
socialized masculine expectations contribute to men’s inability to oftentimes form
friendships that extend beyond the football field of life.
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From a very early age, men are taught that in order to fulfill the masculine
ideals of society, they must conduct themselves, and the relationships they develop
in a certain fashion. A major part of the “act” that men perform is the development
of friendship with other men. As Migliaccio states in “Men’s Friendships:
Performances of Masculinity”, male-male friendship in most cases is nothing more
than a performance of masculinity that is influenced by gendered expectations. And
a major part of developing a friendship is the role of self-disclosure. Self-disclosure
is the amount at which you are willing to disclose about yourself to family, friends
etc. Many different factors contribute to self-disclosure between two people. These
factors include geographic location and socioeconomic status. Various relationships
tend to garner different levels of self-disclosure. Classically, one of the lowest levels
of self-disclosure tends to occur between men, who often believe that their relation
cannot and will not occur on an emotional level.
Migliaccio furthers his research using a structural equation to analyze 98
men’s friendships, masculine expectations: one behavioral (stoic), the other
attitudinal (anti-feminine) in attempts to see how they influence different forms of
intimacy between friends. The study analyzed the relationship between these
variables across two occupations, one male-traditional (military) and the other
female-traditional (teacher). Conducting the study in this fashion further displays
how friendship is part of a masculine performance because relationship between
masculine expectations and interactions with friends are stronger for teachers than
military personnel. Men tend to feel more at ease interacting with the more
feminine occupations, further the perpetuation of the instilled heteronormativity.
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Through this study, along with additional research it was discovered that a malemale friendship has the ability to be more emotional and less based on activity, but
it is less common. Men are taught that lower levels of self-disclosure are the norm
and therefore the relationships they develop with fellow men should proceed
without the connection that many male-female friendships possess. Although this
has seemingly become the national norm among the population, it doesn’t mean that
emotional relationships are impossible between two men. Factors such as
childhood development and expectations of a localized society play a major part in
the kinds of relationships men build throughout their life.
A period of constant adjustment and learning, childhood is the time at which
we become individuals and begin to express our character both physically and
emotionally. During the formative years of childhood, men and women are
subconsciously (and overtly) taught what is expected of their imposed gender.
Masculine character ideals include being tough, unforgiving and all around lacking
in emotion. Men act this way because this is how their superiors teach them to act.
However, before they slip into adulthood, boys possess the ability to create
friendships comparable to two girls. As N. Way states in his study of adolescent
boys, “listening to boys, particularly in their early and middle adolescent years,
speak about their male friendships is like reading an old-fashioned romance novel in
which the female protagonist describes her passionate feelings for a man. At the
edge of manhood when pressures to conform to gender expectations intensify (Hill
& Lynch, 1983), boys tell us, in great detail and with tremendous affect, about their
best friends with whom they share their deepest secrets and without whom they
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would ‘feel lost.'” However this doesn’t last forever. As boys age they are taught
more and more not to cry, and to always remember to be strong, courageous and
virtually emotionless. As expressed through the research in “Norms Affecting SelfDisclosure in Men and Women”, the blame for a lack of self-disclosure between male
friends is placed closer to home via the idea of childhood development. The authors
argue that men and women are raised differently and therefore forced to conform to
different social norms. Women are classically taught to be more nurturing and
emotional while, contrastingly, men are expected to be strong and virtually
emotionless. Men grow up learning to be independent and selfsufficient. Friendship grows out of shared interests and are otherwise marginal to a
man’s identity. The authors describe how this then affects men and women
differently later in life. Men have difficulty establishing close relationships with
other men because they aren’t taught/expected to act that way. The ends that the
gender has set for itself hundreds of years ago give the “meaning” of a man’s life. As
Kate Millett (197S) puts it, “Men repress, women express.” This notion of
developmental factors as the main contributor to low levels of self-disclosure is
furthered by the results of the study. These results show that the observed male
was rated as being better adjusted when he failed to disclose than when he did
disclose. The reverse trend occurred when a female was evaluated: She was seen as
better adjusted when she disclosed than when she did not. The idea of a low level of
self-disclosure doesn’t just a lack of communication within male-male friendships.
This inherent self-sufficiency behavior has greater implications for the male psyche.
Men are taught and learn to live without the support of others because they aren’t
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supposed to have to rely on anyone else emotionally, romantically, or financially. V.
Seidler, author of Rejection, Vulnerability, and Friendship goes on point out that most
men do not let themselves think or feel about friendship. Men are taught to put
away early childhood memories as childish things that they grow out of even though
all typically secretly treasure their past. The general frayed nature of men’s
relationships with each other and the way that they seem to be constantly
undermined through competition and jealousy are distinctive features of modern
society.
Other explanations for men’s low level of self-disclosure extend far beyond
childhood development. Often overlooked is the role of education and general
socioeconomic status. Statistically speaking, lower educational and socioeconomic
status tended to be associated with lower levels of verbal communication, in general
and of self-disclosure, in particular. However unfortunately, higher socioeconomic
classes seem to have a similar trend in a lack of communication. M. Komarovsky
states in his study of Ivy League male undergrads that one “senior, who concealed
from his girlfriend and sexual partner that he was in psychotherapy, found himself
in a double bind. Soon after they had met, the young woman told him that she was in
therapy. “I could not tell her,” the youth said, “that I too was in therapy. That would
show her how unsure and confused I was. A girl wants a strong man. I would be
lowering my image in her eyes.” This struggle of fitting the classic mold of
masculinity could be viewed as a reflection of self, however deeper analysis suggests
that this young man’s struggle is truly a reflection on his household and surrounding
community. A localized society such as an Ivy League college town does not offer
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the option for failure. The representation of perfection in the college education
system is often seen through the students of the Ivy Leagues. Therefore, it is
imperative that men fulfill the role that they are expected to play. There is no option
to stray from the heteronormative ideals that come with manhood. In their eyes
showing emotion or any sort of weakness is not an option because emotion equals
femininity, and femininity assumes a man’s sexuality is anything other than
straight.
Alternative studies may suggest that a realization of self is enough for a
man’s ego. If the proverbial man is comfortable in his sexuality then he should be
able to establish relationships with other men without fear of ridicule for a
misinterpretation of his romantic preference. However, as “Self-disclosure mediates
the effects of gender orientation and homophobia on the relationship quality of male
same-sex friendships” furthers, pre-instilled behaviors and men’s general fear of
appearing anything other than straight is the key contributor behind why men
express a lower level of self-disclosure in their relationships. Louis C.K. approaches
the subject bluntly, stating: “We’re the only sexual group that gives a shit that we are
not mistaken for anything else. Nobody else cares. I don’t know any women who are
worried someone will think they’re a lesbian. I’ve never heard a gay guy say,
‘Everybody’s gonna think I’m straight.’ It just doesn’t happen. We’re the only ones
that care. And it’s a drag for us, because—there’s a lot of things that we maybe could
do, that might be nice, but we can’t, because someone will think we’re gay.” This
statement references the way in which men oftentimes miss out on many aspects of
life purely because of their fear of femininity. Men believe that straying from the
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pre-set characteristics of masculinity will compromise their manhood. They will
lose the say in their own sexuality and face constant backlash from their peers.
The authors of “Self-disclosure mediates the effects of gender orientation and
homophobia on the relationship quality of male same-sex friendships” go on to
argue that not all men are afraid of developing close relationships but rather they
just assume they can’t because of what society teaches them in general. Societal
norms dictate that maintaining heterosexuality is more important than being able to
create lasting friendships. Thus, being too close to other men isn’t allowed.
In conclusion, although I acknowledge that being male doesn’t automatically
mean a low level of self-disclosure, it can be claimed that lower levels of selfdisclosure caused by socialized masculine expectations contribute to men’s inability
to oftentimes form friendships that involve any sort of emotional content. Factors
like childhood development, (influenced by localized society and socioeconomic
status) and a general homophobia among the male population create a toxic cocktail
of low self-disclosure and an inability to form more established friendships.
Unfortunately, if boys aren’t taught in the future that masculinity doesn’t have to be
a ridged source of development, the general inability to form deeper friendships
with other men will continue to transpire.
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Works Cited:
1. Self-disclosure mediates the effects of gender orientation and homophobia
on the relationship quality of male same-sex friendships
Morman, Mark T ; Schrodt, Paul ; Tornes, Michael J
Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 2013, Vol.30(5), pp.582-605
2. Seidler, V. (1992). Rejection, Vulnerability, and Friendship. Men’s
Friendships, 15-35.
3. Komarovsky, M. (1974). Patterns of Self-Disclosure of Male
Undergraduates. Journal of Marriage and Family, Volume 36(No. 4), 677-686.
4. Just let them kiss already: Why are TV shows so weird about male
relationships? (n.d.). Retrieved February 27, 2015, from
http://www.salon.com/2015/02/24/just_let_them_kiss_already_why_are_tv
_shows_so_weird_about_male_relationships
5. Way, N. (2012). Close Friendships Among Adolescent Boys. Thymos, 6(1),
116-136.
6. Migliaccio, T. (2009). Men’s friendships: Performances of masculinity.
Journal of Men’s Studies, 17(3), 226-241. Retrieved from
http://search.proquest.com/docview/222615180?accountid=14780