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Keeping Cool While Under Fire
May 01, 2007 04:03 PM EDT
Imagine! The number one reason people get reprimanded at work in the U.S. is for displays of anger, and the number
one problem people say they have at work is they do not feel heard and respected.
How do we make colleagues feel heard - even and especially when they are difficult to be around -- and still stand
up for ourselves?
Here are some more "tools" to add to your "toolbox" for the next time someone is upset and taking it out on you.
None will work all the time, and some will work better for your personality style than others.
Here’s five easy-to-adopt ways to connect, not conflict, with others:
1. Lighten Up
When others begin to act "hot," we instinctively tend to either ...
1. Escalate (become like them and get loud, more hostile, or other reactions where we act more likethe behavior we
do not like), or
2. Withdraw (poker face, quiet down).
Either approach gets us out of balance. Both are self-protective but self-sabotaging reactions. They are akin to saying
"I don't like your behavior -- therefore I am going to give you more power." Instead, slow everything down: your
voice level and rate and the amount and frequency of your body motions.
Be aware that you are feeling a hot reaction to the other person. Instead of dwelling on your growing feelings, move
to a de-escalating action and leave room for everyone, especially the person in the wrong, to save face and selfcorrect.
2. Take the "Three A's" Approach
Acknowledge that you heard the person, with a pause (buys time for both to cool off), nod, or verbal acknowledgment
that does not immediately take sides ("I understand you have a concern" rather than "You shouldn't have . .. ." ) or
involve blaming or "bad labeling" language ("Let's discuss what would work best for us both now" rather than "That
was a dumb . . .) that pours hot coals on the heat of escalation and hardens the person into their position.
Ask for more information so you both can cool off more and you can find some common ground based on her or his
underlying concerns or needs. Try to "warm up" to the part of the person you can respect -- focus on it mentally and
refer to it verbally: "You are so dedicated" or "knowledgeable" or whatever their self-image is that leads them toward
rationalizing their behavior.
Add your own. Say, perhaps, "May I tell you my perspective?" This sets them up to give you permission to state your
view.
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3. Presume Innocence
Nobody wants to be told they are wrong. Whenever you have reason to believe someone is lying or not making sense,
you will not build rapport by pointing it out to them. Allow them to save face and keep asking questions until you lose
imagination or control.
Say, for example, "How does that relate to the . . ." (then state the apparently conflicting information).
You might find you were wrong, and thus you "save face." Or, by continued nonthreatening questions, you can "softly
corner" the other person into self-correcting, which protects your future relationship.
4. Look to Their Positive Intent, Especially When They Appear to Have None
Our instincts are to look for the ways we are right and others are . . . less right. In arguing, as the momentum builds,
we mentally focus on the smart, thoughtful, and "right" things we are doing, while obsessing about the dumb,
thoughtless, and otherwise wrong things the other person is doing. This tendency leads us to take a superior or
righteous position, get more rigid, and listen less as the argument continues.
Difficult as you might find it, try staying mindful of your worst side and their best side as you find yourself falling into
an escalating argument. You will probably be more generous and patient with them, and increase the chances that
they will see areas where you might be right after all.
5. Dump Their Stuff Back in Their Lap
If someone is verbally dumping on you, do not interrupt, counter, or counterattack in midstream, or you will only
prolong and intensify their comments. When they have finished, ask "Is there anything else you want to add?" Then
say, "What would make this situation better?" or "How can we improve this situation in a way you believe we can both
accept?"
Ask them to propose a solution to the issue they have raised. If they continue to complain or attack, acknowledge you
heard them each time and, like a broken record, repeat yourself in increasingly brief language variations: "What will
make it better for us?"
Do not attempt to solve problems others raise, even if they ask for advice -- they might make you wrong. People will
spend more time proving their way works best than using a method suggested by someone else, even someone we
love or like. It's only human.
How to Deal With Conflict
http://managementhelp.org/interpersonal/conflict.htm#deal
Clarifying Confusion About Conflict
© Copyright
Carter McNamara, MBA, PhD
Conflict occurs with two or more people who, despite their first attempts at agreement, do not yet have
agreement on a course of action, usually because their values, perspectives and opinions are contradictory
in nature. Conflict can occur:
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1. Within yourself when you are not living according to your values.
2. When your values and perspectives are threatened.
3. When there is discomfort from fear of the unknown or from lack of fulfillment.
Conflict is inevitable and often necessary when forming high-performing teams because they evolve
through “form, storm, norm and perform” periods. Getting the most out of diversity often means
addressing contradictory values, perspectives and opinions. Conflict is often needed. It:
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Helps to raise and address problems.
Energizes work to be focused on the most important priorities.
Helps people “be real” and motivates them to fully participate.
Helps people learn how to recognize and benefit from their differences.
Conflict is not the same as discomfort. The conflict is not the problem – poor management of the conflict
is the problem. Conflict is a problem when it:
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Hampers productivity.
Lowers morale.
Causes more and continued conflicts.
Causes inappropriate behaviors.
Types of Managerial Actions That Cause Workplace Conflicts
© Copyright
Carter McNamara, MBA, PhD
1. Poor communications
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Employees experience continual surprises, for example, they are not informed of major decisions
that affect their workplaces and lives.
Employees do not understand the reasons for the decisions – they are not involved in the decisionmaking.
As a result, they trust the “rumor mill” more than their management.
2. The alignment or the amount of resources is insufficient. There is:
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Disagreement about “who does what.”
Stress from working with inadequate resources.
3.“Personal chemistry,” including conflicting values or actions, for example:
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Strong interpersonal natures among workers do not seem to match.
We do not like others because they seem too much like ourselves (we often do not like in others
what we do not like in ourselves).
4. Leadership problems
For example, inconsistent, missing, too-strong or uninformed leadership (at any level in the organization),
evidenced by:
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Avoiding conflict, “passing the buck” with little follow-through on decisions.
Employees see the same continued issues in the workplace.
Supervisors do not understand the jobs of their subordinates.
Key Managerial Actions / Structures to Minimize Conflicts
© Copyright
Carter McNamara, MBA, PhD
1. Regularly review job descriptions. Get your employee’s input to them. Ensure:
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Job roles do not conflict.
No tasks “fall in a crack.”
2. Intentionally build relationships with all subordinates.
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Meet at least once a month alone with them in office.
Ask about accomplishments, challenges and issues.
3. Get regular, written status reports that describe:
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Accomplishments.
Currents issues and needs from management.
Plans for the upcoming period.
4. Conduct basic training about:
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Interpersonal communications.
Conflict management.
Delegation.
5. Develop procedures for routine tasks and include the employees’ input.
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Have employees write procedures when possible and appropriate.
Get employees’ review of the procedures.
Distribute the procedures.
Train employees about the procedures.
6. Regularly hold management meetings with all employees.
For example, every month, communicate new initiatives and status of current products or services.
7. Consider an anonymous suggestion box in which employees can provide
suggestions.
This can be powerful means to collect honest feedback, especially in very conflicted workplaces.
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Ways People Deal With Conflict
© Copyright
Carter McNamara, MBA, PhD
There is no one best way to deal with conflict. It depends on the current situation. Here are the major
ways that people use to deal with conflict:
1. You can avoid it.
Pretend it is not there or ignore it. Use this approach only when it simply is not worth the effort to argue.
Be aware that this approach tends to worsen the conflict over time.
2. You can accommodate it.
You can give in to others, sometimes to the extent that you compromise yourself. Use this approach very
sparingly and infrequently, for example, in situations when you know that you will have another more
useful approach in the very near future. Usually this approach tends to worsen the conflict over time, and
causes conflicts within yourself.
3. You can compete with the others.
You can work to get your way, rather than clarifying and addressing the issue. Competitors love
accommodators. Use this approach when you have a very strong conviction about your position.
4. Compromising.
You can engage in mutual give-and-take. This approach is used when the goal is to get past the issue and
move on together.
5. Collaborating.
You can focus on working together. Use this approach when the goal is to meet as many current needs as
possible by using mutual resources. This approach sometimes raises new mutual needs. Collaboration can
also be used when the goal is to cultivate ownership and commitment.
To Manage a Conflict with Another Person
© Copyright
Carter McNamara, MBA, PhD
1. Know what you do not like about yourself, early on in your career.
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We often do not like in others what we do not want to see in ourselves.
Write down 5 traits that really bug you when see them in others.
Be aware that these traits are your “hot buttons.”
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2. Manage yourself. If you and/or another person are getting upset, then manage
yourself to stay calm:
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Speak to the person as if the other person is not upset – this can be very effective!
Avoid use of the word “you” – this avoids your appearing to be blaming the person.
Nod your head to assure the person that you heard him/her.
Maintain eye contact with the person.
3. Move the discussion to a private area, if possible.
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Many times, moving to a new environment invites both of you to see or feel differently.
4. Give the other person time to vent.
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Do not interrupt the person or judge what he/she is saying.
5. Verify that you are accurately hearing each other. When the other person is done
speaking:
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Ask the person to let you rephrase (uninterrupted) what you are hearing to ensure you are hearing
it correctly.
To understand the person more, ask open-ended questions (avoid “why” questions – those
questions often make people feel defensive).
6. Repeat the above step, for the other to verify that he/she is hearing you. Describe
your perspective:
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Use “I”, not “you.”
Talk in terms of the present as much as possible.
Quickly mention your feelings.
7. Acknowledge where you disagree and where you agree.
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One of the most powerful means to resolve conflict is to mention where you both agree.
8. Discuss the matter on which you disagree, not the nature of the other person.
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Ask “What can we do fix the problem?” The person might begin to complain again.
Then ask the same question. Focus on actions you both can do.
Ask the other person if they will support the action(s).
If the person will not, then ask for a “cooling off period”.
9. Thank the person for working with you.
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It takes patience for a person to engage in meaningful conversation during conflict. Acknowledge
and thank the other person for his/her effort.
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10. If the situation remains a conflict, then:
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Conclude if the other person’s behavior violates one of the personnel policies and procedures in the
workplace and if it does, then follow the policy’s terms for addressing that violation.
Otherwise, consider whether to agree to disagree.
Consider seeking a third party to mediate.
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