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Autonomy vs. Dependence
Lack of Autonomy
Autonomy is a state of independence and self-government – one’s control over
themselves.
A lack of autonomy insinuates that one has no control over his or herself. That their
life and actions are held by the power of someone else.
But is this control always direct?
In many cases, especially those in which one is at a complete state of dependence,
the answer is yes.
In “The Fashionable American Letter Writer,” a 19th century manual for the
instruction of love-letter writing, a man proposed to a woman. Instead of being able
to self-govern her decision, the woman expressed how she must “refer to the
superior knowledge of [her] father and brother” and that her parents have the final
say in regards to approving or denying the proposal (61).
She had no control over her life.
No independence.
No autonomy.
I was raised in a relatively strict household. I mean my mom was pretty carefree and
relaxed. My dad, on the other hand, was very controlling; his controlling-ness
usually overpowered my mom… along with everything and everyone else.
As a child, I didn’t have much freedom. My days were predetermined: my dad had
my schedule down to a science outlining when I did my homework, when and which
extracurricular activities I went to, when I ate, the chores I was responsible for,
what time I went to bed, etc. I couldn’t deviate from it, and the times I did, it was still
done with his permission.
At this point in time, autonomy did not exist as a part of my life. I couldn’t make my
own choices. I truly had no control over myself. I was dependent on my father.
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But why did I do everything he said, and without question? Why does everyone (in a
state lacking autonomy) accept this way of living? Why doesn’t one stand up for
themself or try to gain autonomy?
It’s because they don’t consider anything about the situation to be abnormal. It’s
because they foresee the situation to fit under the social norms, and therefore
believe it to be acceptable.
I didn’t question the authority of my dad, nor did I ever consider (at least as a child)
that maybe I deserved the right to self-govern choices in my life. Why? Because the
social norms taught me that this was the way of life. All of my other friends had
fathers (or parents) who controlled their lives, and television also demonstrated
that the parents had the power. So I accepted these terms without further question.
Likewise, the girl from the letter knew from social standards that marriage was to
be negotiated by the parents, and that her opinion had no importance.
Full Autonomy
Full autonomy: a state of complete control over oneself; having total independence.
You make all of your own choices. You have all the power.
As my parents have recently deserted me and left me to fend for myself in a
terrifying place most people refer to as college, I have begun to experience a state of
complete self-governing – a state of autonomy.
I am no longer under anyone’s control. I get to choose if I go to class or not. If I’ll do
my assignments or not. When and what I eat. When I go to bed. The clubs and
activities I want to be a part of. The list goes on and on.
In college, you have complete power over the life you live. You get to make choices
for yourself each and every day. No one tries to control you or tell you what to do.
You’re autonomous.
Or are you?
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I initially thought that college meant full autonomy. That the moment you stepped
foot on campus, you magically gained complete power over your life.
I realized though, that it’s really only the highest autonomic state that I can imagine.
I do not truly have full autonomy at college.
Regardless to the fact that I’m over 300 miles away from home and have gained a
tremendous amount of independence, I still do not possess full autonomy. As my
parents pay for my tuition – I am still strongly dependent on them. As I call home for
advice – they still have a great influence on my decisions.
This made me begin to reconsider autonomy. Is full autonomy even possible? Is
there a state at which one can be fully independent and self-govern themselves
without the influence of anyone else at all?
The song “How to be a Heartbreaker” by Mariana and the Diamonds tries to explain
how it is possible for one to gain the highest state of autonomy.
In contrast to the 19th century manuals, where the men had all the autonomy and
control, this song explains how women can gain full autonomy in relationships.
“How to be a Heartbreaker” gives step-by-step instructions on how to maintain
control in a relationship. The songwriter wants to have all of control because she
doesn’t want to get her heart broken again; she wants to be the heartbreaker
instead. The key point of this song is the methods one needs to take to maintain
power and keep herself from getting heartbroken.
You must not fall in love.
You must maintain all of the control.
You must remain independent.
In essence: you must remain autonomous.
The last step in the song exclaims, “kiss him goodbye at the door, and leave him
wanting more” (Marina and the Diamonds - How to be a Heartbreaker Lyrics). This
explains that the consequence of power and efforts to keep full autonomy ultimately
results in you ending up alone as the “heartbreaker.”
Here, a great amount of autonomy was reached, but at what price? And was she
even fully autonomous?
Many people desire autonomy. I, myself, could not wait for the freedom that was
brought about through college (and I’m sure you probably felt the same way!). But,
can you have too much autonomy? Is it beneficial to live in such a state where you
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allow no one else to have any influence on your life? Isn’t there a reason that we do
in fact let others have some impact on our lives?
There are some benefits to having full autonomy. I mean I do like having freedom
and control, but at the same time it can be very stressful. Every choice and decision I
make is a direct reflection of me – if I make a mistake, all of the responsibility lies
solely on my shoulders.
In response to this stress, I willingly give up some of my autonomy and call home for
some advice – I allow my parents to continually have an impact on my life and
decisions… but at the same time, I still have a sense of autonomy because I still
choose when I ask for their advice… and if I choose to listen to it or not!
Many desire a full state of autonomy, but is such a state even realistically possible?
Is it ideal?
A Balance of Autonomy
To me, the ideal state would to be at a balance of autonomy and dependence.
One state of balanced autonomy is the state of feeling as if you have autonomy, but
are also are controlled indirectly by others, such as your parents or society.
High school was probably my favorite segment of time in my life thus far. I was
grown up enough to start to branch off from my parent’s control and make my own
decisions.
I had the ability to make choices for myself, however, I realize now that those
choices were actually influenced by my parents, as well as society.
“Encourage your children and then give them the autonomy to make their own
decision.” -Denis Waitley
To apply this to myself: my parents allowed for me to have autonomy and make
decisions for myself… however, before giving me such freedom, they taught me and
“encouraged” me towards the direction of making the decision they would.
Here, I felt as if I had autonomy, but in a way, I was indirectly influenced by my
parents.
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I have experienced an opposing balance to this example as well – a balance of feeling
directly influenced by someone (or something), yet still having the ability to make
my own decisions.
Peer pressure.
When society or your friends try to persuade you one way, it can be very difficult to
deviate.
You don’t want to feel outside of the social norm.
There is great pressure to conform, and one typically does.
Although you have the ultimate choice, the influences of others can have a very
strong impact on your decision.
Both of these cases go along with what feminist philosopher, Judith Butler, makes in
“Besides Oneself: On the limits of Sexual Autonomy.” She expresses, “my body is and
is not mine” (243).
Meaning, it is you who essentially gets to make the final decision, but so many
outside factors, besides our own personal thoughts, go into that decision. That your
parents (or society) mold you to be a specific way.
Your thoughts and actions are a representation of yourself, but they are also largely
influenced by others.
Another state of balanced autonomy can typically be seen in relationships. Unlike
the 19th century manuals and the song “Heartbreaker,” where one person in the
relationship portrayed as having full autonomy, there are other cases where a little
give and take of autonomy is demonstrated.
Interdependence is reached.
Each person in the relationship must give up a little bit of their autonomy, but in
return, gain a portion of their partners.
This is a humble balance – they are dependent on someone, yet that someone is also
dependent on them.
Although many think that full autonomy is the most superior state, and that it’s
something one should strive for, others may claim that is autonomy overrated. What
do you think? What stage of autonomy do you desire?
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Works Cited
Butler, Judith. “Beside Oneself: On the Limits of Sexual Autonomy.” Ways of Reading:
An Anthology for Writers. Eds. David Bartholomae and Anthony Petrosky. 9th
ed. New York: Bedford/St. Martin’s, 2011. 240-58. Print.
" Marina and the Diamonds - How to be a Heartbreaker Lyrics." LYRICS. N.p., n.d.
Web. 4 Dec. 2012. <http://www.directlyrics.com/marina-and-the-diamondshow-to-be-a-heartbreaker-lyrics.html>
OCAL. (n.d.). Balance Scale clip art - vector clip art online, royalty free & public
domain. The online royalty free public domain clip art - vector clip art online,
royalty free & public domain. Retrieved November 29, 2012, from
http://www.clker.com/clipart-11097.html
The Fashionable American Letter Writer. Brookfield: E. Merriam & Co., 1832. Nietz
Collection, University of Pittsburgh, Digital Research Library. vii-ix, xi, 60-4,
178-9. Web.
Waitley, Denis. Empires of the mind: lessons to lead and succeed in a knowledge-based
world. New York: W. Morrow, 1995. Print.