Right Place, Right Time- Making Decisions About Sex and
Relationships
Written by: Joshua Rabin
I.
Introduction
A. Reminders:
1)
Room setup: Make sure that the room is organized in an
inviting manner, so that all the USYers can see one another and are seated comfortably.
2)
Your position: Find an appropriate place for you to sit. In
particular, you may want to sit next to a USYer (or USYers) you worry about staying focused!
3)
The tone: Whether or not our USYers realize it, sichot are
meant to be enjoyable. Begin the sicha on a positive note, and tell the USYers that you want
this to be enjoyable and meaningful for everyone.
4)
Encouraging Participation: In general, the best way to
create a meaningful sicha is to spark meaningful conversation.
Make sure that a decent mix
of USYers is given the opportunity to speak. In particular, I would encourage you to do several
discussions “popcorn style,” where you call on one USYer, and then have that USYer call on the
next person, and so on.
B. Additionally, given the nature of our sicha topic, it is important that you mention
two “ground rules” for the sicha:
1)
Our sicha is a safe space: People should feel
comfortable to talk to each other, and should know that what is spoken of in the group stays in
the group, unless there is concern about immediate harm to a USYer or staff member.
2)
Appropriate conversation: All sichot will engage in
appropriate conversation.
I. Educational Icebreaker/Sharing Circle (5 minutes)
Complete the following sentence: People talk about sex so much because…
II.
Opening Activity: Qualities of Quality Relationships (15 minutes)
A. Quality relationships are not defined by one characteristic, but rather are the
product of many different types of individual qualities outlined by our tradition.
Our first activity in this sicha will allow the USYers to think about what constitutes
a holy relationship (either in love or in anything else).
B. At the end of this lesson plan, you have 10 quotes from both the Jewish tradition
and other sources about qualities that constitute a holy relationship. Place
those signs around the room before the USYers enter the second sicha. At this
point in the sicha, tell them that they should view the signs and choose the one
quote that they most think defines a holy relationship. Give them 3-5 minutes to
make their choice.
C. Once the USYers had the chance to choose their particular quote, divide the
USYers into groups of 4, with no one group having two people with the same
quote (you will need to figure out how to divide them based on what they
choose).
D. Once the USYers are in their small groups, inform them that each group must
come up with a definition of what makes a relationship holy, in some way.
1)
The relationship could be a romantic one, but it could also
be a friendship, or a familial one. The USYers can decide the terms of their own definition.
2)
Tell the USYers that they have 3-5 minutes to come up
with their definition.
E. Once the small groups have their chance to come up with a definition, bring the
entire sicha back together and give each group a chance to share.
F. After each group has shared their definition, discuss the following questions:
1)
What do all of the quotes we have discussed and shared
2)
How does this type of conversation relate to our larger
3)
In general, do you think that people enter into
have in common?
discussion about sex?
relationships with any thought about the types of qualities we discussed in this past activity?
Why or why not?
III.
Discussion Text: Striving for an Ideal-The Story of Adam and Eve (20 minutes)
A. Of course, all of the things we have discussed thus far about relationships and
sex are a type of ideal, and we would not be having this conversation at
convention if that ideal was not hurt, in some way, by the way we think about
relationships as they play out in our everyday lives.
B. At the end of this lesson plan, there are two long “texts,” one biblical and one
modern.
1)
The first handout is a text study from Genesis 2, which
describes the creation of a “fitting helper” for Adam. This text study sets up the biblical ideal
about how a relationship ought to function.[1]
2)
The second handout is an excerpt from Guyland, a book
that talks about the contemporary environment of relationships amongst teenagers and young
adults.[2] It describes how younger people are increasingly less interested in relationships, and
more interested in hooking-up.
3)
Read the two texts, and discuss the questions at the
bottom of each.
C. While you are more than welcome to divide your USYers into hevrutot, I
would encourage you to study these two texts together. The sensitive
nature of the subject probably demands the control of an educator,
although you are more than welcome to try hevruta study, if your USYers
can handle it.
D. After you read the texts and discuss the texts, you can conclude with the
following discussion. It would be advisable to tailor your questions to the age
group of your USYers, as each of them are probably thinking about different
questions based on their age and experience. Here is how you might divide the
questions:
1)
9th and 10th Graders:
a) What is it like to be in a high school relationship?
b) How do you feel about the atmosphere created by your peers?
c) Do your friends appear to be moving “too fast” or “too slow”?
d) How have you begun to approach making decisions in these situations?
2)
11th and 12th Graders:
a) How would you describe your relationships in high school thus far?
b) What separates “healthy” relationships from “unhealthy” relationships?
c) How do you feel about the atmosphere created by your peers? Has the atmosphere
changed throughout high school?
d) Have your peers begun to talk a great deal more about sex? What are your thoughts about
relationships and sex in college?
IV.
Final Text Study: Right Place, Right Time (15 minutes)
A. The final text study for our sicha will most directly engage with Judaism’s
conception of what a sexual relationship should be. Again, while you are
welcome to divide the USYers into hevrutot, use your judgment about whether or
not it would be better to study this text together.
B. At the end of this lesson plan, there is a handout with a short text from the
Ramban[3] about the nature of an ideal sexual relationship in Judaism. Study
this text as a sicha, or divide the USYers into hevrutot,[4] and discuss the
questions at the bottom:
1)
What are your initial reactions to this text?
2)
In your opinion, what is the right way, right place, and right
time to enter into a more intimate relationship?
3)
While this text is very beautifully written, it is also
incredibly vague. Why do you think that is? Think about some of the things we have discussed
this weekend.
4)
One of the most important lessons of our sichot is that sex
is serious, because it represents a particular type of way to reveal one’s body and reveal one’s
self. If both of those things are true, how do you think we should approach making decision
about when to have sex?
C. After you go over the questions on the Ramban text, discuss the following
questions:
1)
What do you like about this text? What do you disagree
2)
How might this text be applied to our relationships in
with?
USY? Do you think that we living up to the ideal expressed in our Jewish texts?
3)
What would need to change for us to take the meaning of
this text seriously?
V.
Conclusion and Final Big Ideas
A. At the conclusion of the sicha, outline the following big ideas with the USYers:
1)
Relationships are about mutuality: Based on the earlier
activity, our USYers will notice that relationships in Judaism require many things, yet they all
share one quality in common: mutuality. A holy relationship in Judaism requires that both
people enter into it with the expectation of being there for one another.
2)
Sex is only “Jewish” when it is based on a desire to
create connection: Our tradition is not opposed to talking about sex, but it does believe that
sex should be grounded in mutuality, and a desire for connection. “Casual” is not a word that
enters into its vocabulary on this subject.
3)
In many cases, we are not living up to that ideal:
Presumably, our USYers are aware of the culture that exists. However, it is important to set up
the distinction for them, and make sure that they understand what it “lost” when one passes up
a meaningful relationship for a casual one.
4)
Right place, right time is the right mantra: If nothing
else, our USYers need to walk away from these sichot knowing that “Sex is serious.” It is not
something to do without thought, without considering ones values, and without thinking about
consequences.
B. Thank the USYers for their participation, and remind them that one of the
best parts about being in a USY community is the opportunity to share
important conversations with each other, and sex is one the most
important conversations in which a teenager should engage. They should
know that there is an entire network of people in their lives who can have
that conversation with them…make sure that they have it.
A Fitting Helper: Adam and Hava
Genesis 2:15-24
And the Lord God took the man, and
put him into the Garden of Eden to cultivate it and to keep it... And the Lord God
said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper to
match him.
And out of the ground the Lord God formed every beast of the field, and every
bird of the air; and brought them to Adam to see what he would call them; and
whatever Adam called every living creature, that was its name. And Adam gave
names to all cattle, and to the birds of the air, and to every beast of the field; but
for Adam there was not found a helper to match him.
And the Lord God made Adam fall into a deep sleep, and he slept; and He took
one from his ribs, and closed up the flesh. And the rib, which the Lord God had
taken from man, made he a woman, and brought her to the man. And Adam
said, “This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called
Woman, because she was taken out of Man.” Therefore shall a man leave his
father and his mother, and shall cleave to his wife; and they shall be one flesh.
Questions:
1. What are the characteristics of Adam and Hava’s relationship as described by
Genesis?
2. God says that he must create a “fitting helper” for Adam? What do you think
that this phrase means in theory and in practice?
3. When the text says that Adam and Hava “shall be one flesh,” what does this
phrase describe in terms of the type of relationship God wants to cultivate
between them?
4. If the Torah is meant to set up ideal examples, what can this text teach us
about the characteristics of a holy relationship between two people?
Excerpt from Guyland
On Hookups, Teenagers, and Relationships
One of the key defining features of hooking up is that it’s strictly a “no
strings attached” endeavor. Young people…and this seems to hold true for
both women and men—seem generally wary of committed monogamous
relationships. The focus is always on what it costs, rather than what it
might provide.
Hooking up is seen as being a lot easier than having a relationship.
Students constantly say that having a relationship, actually dating, takes a
lot of time, and “like who has time to date?” asks Greg, a junior at the
College of Wooster in Ohio. “I mean, we’re all really busy, and we have
school, classes, and jobs, and friends, and all. But, you know,” he says
with a bit of a wink, “a guy has needs, you know what I mean? Why date if
you can just hook up?”
When one older teenager explained her most recent hookup to a New York
Times reporter, he asked if she thought the relationship might lead to
something more. “We might date,” she explained. “I don’t know. It’s just
that guys can get so annoying when you start dating them.”
Questions:
1. What are your initial reactions to this text?
2. Do you think the book describes the culture of hooking up amongst
teenagers and young adults accurately? Explain your answer.
3. Most people associate the notion that Adam and Chava became “one
flesh” with their sexual relationship. If that is the case, how do the text
from Genesis and the text from Guyland present two different models for
how to treat our most important relationships?
Right Place, Right Time
In the Middle Ages, the Ramban, a Spanish rabbi and one of our greatest
sages, wrote an essay about Judaism and sex, and what we can learn
about how to approach the most intimate relationships in our lives. Read
the text below, and discuss the questions in your sicha.
Ramban (Rabbi Moses Ben Nahman),
Iggeret Ha-Kodesh (The Holy Letter)
One should know that sexual union is holy and pure when it is done as it
should be, at the time it should be, and with the proper intent. We the
possessors of the Torah believe that God created all, and did not create
anything ugly or shameful. For if sexual intercourse were repulsive…than
all of God’s creations are also repulsive.
Questions:
1. What are your initial reactions to this text?
2. In your opinion, what is the right way, right place, and right time to enter
into a more intimate relationship?
3. While this text is very beautifully written, it is also incredibly vague. Why
do you think that is? Think about some of the things we have discussed
this weekend.
4. One of the most important lessons of our sichot is that sex is serious,
because it represents a particular type of way to reveal one’s body and
reveal one’s self. If both of those things are true, how do you think we
should approach making decision about when to have sex?
Pirke Avot 5:19
Any love that
depends on
something specific,
when that thing is
gone, the love is
gone; but if it does
not depend on a
specific thing, it will
never cease.
Hosea 2:21-22
I will betroth you to Me
forever. I will betroth you
to Me with righteousness,
with justice, with love, and
with compassion. I will
betroth you to Me with
faithfulness, and you shall
love Adonai.
Anim Zmirot, Shabbat
Liturgy
I make pleasant songs and
weave verses because my
soul longs for you. To know
Your deepest secret, to be in
Your hand's shade is my
soul’s strongest wish. My
heart yearns for Your love.
So may my thoughts be
sweet to You, for whom my
soul longs.
Shir Ha-Shirim
8:6
Let me be a seal
upon your heart,
like the seal
upon your hand.
Kohelet 4:9
Two are better than one,
as they have a good
reward for their efforts.
For if they should fall,
the one can pick up his
fellow; but if one falls
down alone, there is no
one to pick him up. . .
Kohelet 3:5
There is a time
to embrace,
and a time not
to embrace.
I Samuel 18:1-4
And it came to pass, when he had
finished speaking to Saul, that the
soul of Jonathan was knit with the
soul of David, and Jonathan loved
him as his own soul…Then
Jonathan and David made a
covenant, because he loved him
as his own soul. And Jonathan
stripped himself of the robe that
was upon him, and gave it to
David, and his garments, even his
sword, and his bow, and his girdle.
Shir Ha-Shirim 2:1016
My beloved speaks
and says to me,
Arise, my love, my
beautiful one, and
come away…My
beloved is mine, and
I am His.
Rabbi Isaac
Abravanel
Love turns two
people into one.
The Sheva Berakhot of the Jewish
Wedding (Talmud Ketubbot 7b)
Blessed are You, LORD, our God, King
of the universe, who created joy and
gladness, groom and bride, mirth, song,
delight and rejoicing, love and harmony
and peace and companionship. LORD
our God, may there ever be heard in the
cities of Judah and in the streets of
Jerusalem voices of joy and gladness,
voices of groom and bride, the jubilant
voices of those joined in marriage under
the bridal canopy, the voices of young
people feasting and singing. Blessed
are You, LORD, who causes the groom
to rejoice with his bride.
[1] Please note that there is no concept of marriage or dating in the Genesis creation story.
There is just a concept of a “relationship,” and thus we can and should use the one between
Adam and Eve as a type of ideal.
[2] While this book was written about males specifically, we could easily apply the conclusions
from the book to the sexual lives of females.
[3] Rabbi Moses ben Nahman, otherwise known as Nahmanides. He was one of the more
important rabbinic figures of the Middle Ages, and he wrote commentaries on the Torah,
Talmud, halakhah, kabbalah and a variety of other texts in the Spanish Jewish Community.
[4] Resist the temptation to let the USYers pick their own groups. If the purpose of a USY
Convention is to help our USYers make meaningful connections, it makes more sense to assign
the groups randomly. To do this, you can do something creative like ask the USYers to line up
by the second letter in their middle name, or by shoe sizes in ascending order, and then pair
them up into hevrutot.