Claiming Your Power and
Dignity
Copyright 2012 RPW Inc.
Never
Care
Sometimes
Care
BOYFRIENDS/
GIRLFRIENDS
Boy Crazy
Don’t care
Rules of Hooking Up
• You can’t get away with hooking up behind
someone’s back. There are no private hook-ups
anymore.
• No excuses like: “It’s not my fault, he likes me
better.” “I was drunk.”
• Don’t talk to other people about the reasons why
OOI didn’t like the ex and/or likes you better.
Rules of Hooking Up
No one has dibs on someone forever. That
said:
Guys: You’re taking advantage of your friendship
when you ask a friend if they like the person you want
to hook up with because you know they have to say
no.
Women: Same goes for you except you can’t get
mad if the girl says, “Yes, I mind.”
Rules of Hooking Up
• Don’t ditch friends or lie to go out with OOI.
• Under no circumstances are you within your
rights to be completely obvious in front of your
Ex. No sitting on laps, being picked up and
thrown around, and shrieking.
• If you have an unplanned hook up with a friend’s
OOI, tell your friend within an hour or else they
will find out from someone else.
Copyright 2012 RPW Inc.
If you are the ex:
• It’s not weak to admit the position is
uncomfortable.
• If you find out confront your friend and
the ex with self-control and dignity.
• Remember to hold everyone
responsible.
• You’re allowed to be upset but you don’t
have the right to seek revenge.
It’s so Tempting to Seek
Revenge
You’re hanging out with a guy who used to hang out with
another girl. You have a ton of mutual friends. At a recent
party, the girl loudly said “Slut!” and then laughed when
you walked into the room. Today someone tells you that
she’s trashing you on her FB wall. She didn’t name you
specifically but it’s obvious that she’s talking about you and
she’s come up with a rude nickname. Do you…
•
Pretend it’s not happening?
•
Ask the guy to talk to her?
•
Start your own FB war?
SEAL
• STOP: Breathe, listen, and think when
and where, now or later?
• EXPLAIN: What happened that you don’t
like and what you want.
• AFFIRM: Affirm and acknowledge.
• LOCK: In the friendship, take a vacation
or lock it out.
Have a face to face conversation or send one private
email or FB message using SEAL:
At the party last night, you yelled , “Slut” whenever I
came into the room. I’m pretty confident that what
you said was directed at me. But even if it wasn’t, it’s
still wrong. And I know you’re writing the same thing
on your FB wall. Obviously, I can’t control what
you’re saying about me and I don’t expect to be
friends with you but I have the right to hang out at
parties.
Drama Vs. Bullying:
What’s the Difference?
Bullying is using power or strength to make
someone feel worthless. Usually defined as
being one way and repeated.
Drama is an exciting, unexpected, emotional
series of events. Always defined as a conflict
where both people are actively involved and not
serious or hurtful.
Teasing
Good Teasing
• You feel liked by the
person
• You don’t feel that the
person wants to put
you down
• They will stop if you
ask.
Unintentional Bad
Teasing
• You don’t like it, but
the teaser either
doesn't know how
you feel or dismisses
your feelings.
• They blow you off
with, “I was just
joking.” “You’re so
sensitive!”
Bad Teasing/
Bullying
• You’re teased about
something you’re
insecure about.
• If you defend yourself,
you’re labeled as
uptight or threatened
with ending the
friendship.
• The teasing is
relentless and often in
front of other people.
Is This Really My Problem?
Walking back after practice (or driving home):
Andy: Can you believe Jack made the cut? The guy is so weak… and I know he
went to coach and whined about us messing with him before practice.
Mark: Do you really have to get on his case all the time? That guy has done
nothing to you.
Andy: Actually, yes. He totally deserves it.
Mark: All I’m saying is that I think you could just let up a little.
Andy: Wait, I’m sorry, do you need a tampon?
Mark: See, this is exactly what I’m talking about…
Andy: Where is this coming from? You know me. And you laughed in the
locker room when he ran out of there.
Mark: Well, I’m not proud of it but I haven’t said anything (or I
laughed) because I just haven’t wanted to deal with it. But it’s over
the line. You yell slut or fag at people in the hall. Jack wants to quit
the team. And I can’t go to a party without having to deal with you
trying to start a fight with someone.
Andy: This is possibly the most gay conversation I’ve ever had.
Mark: Fine you don’t have to listen to me. But no one else is going
to call you out on this and I’m doing it because you’re my friend. So
just think about it. We can go home, watch the game and talk
about it later.
Did you hear what everyone is saying
about you?
Common responses:
•Disappear until graduation
•Immediately talk to whoever you can, go to FB, and
check what people are saying.
•Plot with your friend about how to get back at the
person who you think started it.
•Say, “Whatever, it’s not worth it.” But really worry
about it a lot.
Copyright 2012 RPW Inc.
Getting Some Control
STOP: What is the messenger’s motivation? Your answer: “Thanks
for telling me. Please don’t talk about this with others.”
Explain: I’m hearing that you’re talking X about me. I’m not asking
to tell me if the gossip is true. I’m asking that if any part of it’s true
that you stop. I know I can’t control what you do but I’m showing
the respect to come to you face to face to ask what’s going on.
There’s nothing going on. I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Affirm/acknowledge: Ok-then I’d expect the things I’m hearing to
end. But, If I did something that upset you I want to know. But if
you’re mad at me, you have to tell me.
Lock (if appropriate) We used to be good friends. If you ever want
to talk about this, I’m here.
Here’s the SEAL
I can’t control what he does. I’m not going to go back at him
because that’s exactly what he wants me to do. (Can’t say, I’m
not going to be so immature, pathetic, stupid etc.) I’v told him
to stop attacking me. It’s up to him. I hope you will back me up
by not talking about/forwarding it.
Copyright 2012 RPW Inc.
I kept asking, “Why me?” I had so many
emotions. I was worried. I tried to think about
what I could have done to make them do this to
me. And I really didn’t move on. I wanted my
friends back. I don’t like admitting it now, but
after I found out it was my closest friends, I think
if they had been nice to me the next day I
probably would have taken them back.
Maya: I want to talk to you about you taking my phone.
Jordan: You know I was just kidding!
Maya: Taking my phone without telling me and then sending
those texts to Will really embarrassed me.
Jordan: You’re making such a big deal out of this! If you did it to
me, I wouldn’t care! I’d think it was funny!”
Maya: Well, you’re not me so you can’t tell me how I feel.
Jordan: Fine, if you can’t take something so little as this, then we
really don’t need to be friends.
Maya: Friends have to be able to tell each other what they’re
really thinking. Think about it and get back to me.
Snitching
Telling to get
someone in trouble.
The goal is to make
the problem bigger
and more public.
vs.
Reporting
Telling because
the problem is
too big to solve
on your own.
The goal is to
right a wrong.
Telling someone you’re worried
This is uncomfortable for me to bring up with you but I noticed you always go to the
bathroom after lunch. I’m worried you’re throwing up.
What? I’m fine! Don’t worry about it! I just felt really sick after that pizza today so I just
did it this one time, seriously – I’m fine. So, are you ready for that quiz tomorrow?
I didn’t study at all.
Look, I need to say this to you. I’m really worried that you may have an eating
disorder. As your friend I can’t pretend nothing is wrong when you may be in
trouble.
Seriously? I’m fine. I just feel sick when I eat too much and now I feel better, I didn’t
realize my best friend was the food police.
Is there any possibility that you’d be willing to talk to someone about it?
No way, I’m fine. If I need help I’ll get it. Promise me you won’t freak out and tell
someone ok?
I can’t promise that. I really think you should talk to someone. I’ll even go with you.
Think about it and let’s talk later.
I’m fine! Can we please stop talking about this? I’m going to be really late for class.
Keep asking yourself
Who can I go to for support? Not people
who will help me retaliate but who will
listen to me and help me think through how
to handle this problem in a way I can be
proud of and I can get some true control
over the situation?
02/02/12
Copyright 2010 RPW Inc.
My Relationship Rights
List the three rights that are most
important to you in a relationship
or friendship.
1.
2.
3.
My Deal Breakers
List three ways that someone
could treat you where you would
consider ending the
friendship/relationship.
1.
2.
3.
Your words get turned around
Stop: Put your bad feelings to words. Choose time.
Explain: “Yesterday when we were hanging out with your friends, you ridiculed
everything I said.”
“What? I have no idea what you’re talking about…”
Affirm: “You don’t have to agree with me but I’m telling you that that’s what I feel
and you can’t disagree with that.”
Lock: I want to keep hanging out so I am taking the risk of telling you.
“Fine! If you really need me to say sorry, then fine I’m sorry. Can we stop talking
about this now?”
The way you apologized came across like you just want me to stop talking about
this not like you’re actually sorry. Am I right?
SEAL SCENARIOS
You are a student leader/captain and have a friend
who is fine one on one but likes to go out of his way
to make people miserable. He has done it in front of
you, nothing too intense but still it’s not good.
•How does this person impact your leadership?
•What if the person wasn’t your friend?
•What if the freshmen was really annoying?
Always Remember
• People have the right to be angry with you but they don’t have
the right to express their anger by humiliating you.
• There’s never going to be an answer about what you did that
justifies their actions.
Important Questions to Ask Yourself:
• If I don’t confront them, what message am I communicating?
• How is their behavior impacting my life?
02/02/12
Copyright 2010 RPW Inc.