The Atonement of Jesus Christ makes it
possible for us to enjoy the blessings of
eternal marriage.
“I testify that with unimaginable suffering and
agony at an incalculable price, the Savior
earned His right to be our Intermediary, our
Redeemer, our Final Judge. Through faith in
Him and receipt of the requisite ordinances
and covenants, you will earn right to the
blessings of eternal marriage, made possible
through His Infinite Atonement” (Elder Richard
G. Scott, Conference Report, Apr. 1999, 34).
Godly Sorrow Leads to Repentance (9:15)
There is great
value in
completely
avoiding sexual
sin!
Elder Richard G. Scott said:
“I solemnly testify that when another’s acts of
violence, perversion, or incest hurt you terribly,
against your will, you are not responsible, and you
must not feel guilty. You may be left scarred by
abuse, but those scars need not be permanent. In the
eternal plan, in the Lord’s timetable, those injuries
can be made right as you do your part. Here is what
you can do now (Conference Report, Apr. 1992, 4346).
“(first)…seek help now…Begin with your
Eternal Father and his Beloved Son, your
Savior. They will lead you to others who
will strengthen and encourage you…Talk
to your Bishop in confidence…He has the
right to be inspired of the Lord in your
behalf. He can use the priesthood to
bless you…When abuse is extreme, he
can help you identify appropriate
protection and professional treatment
consistent with the teachings of the
Savior.
“(Second) understand the principles of
healing…Recognize that you are a beloved child of
your Heavenly Father. He loves you perfectly and can
help you as no earthly parent, spouse, or devoted
friend can…Gain trust in the love and compassion of
your elder brother, Jesus Christ, by pondering the
scriptures…Healing best begins with your sincere
prayer asking your Father in Heaven for help…Do all
in (your) power to stop the abuse…Do not waste
effort in revenge or retribution…Leave the handling
of the offender to civil and Church
authorities…Understand that healing can take
considerable time. Recovery generally comes in
steps. It is accelerated when gratitude is expressed
to the Lord for every degree of improvement noted…
“(Third), you cannot erase what
others have done, but you can
forgive…Forgiveness heals terrible,
tragic wounds for it allows the love of
God to purge your heart and mind of
the position of hate. It cleanses your
consciousness of the desire for
revenge. It makes place for the
purifying, healing, restoring love of
the lord…
(Fourth), I caution you not to participate in
improper therapeutic practices that may cause you
more harm than good.
(1) excessive probing into every minute detail of
your past experiences, particularly when this
involves penetrating dialogue in group discussion.
(2) blaming the abuser for every difficulty in your
life.
There is another danger. Detailed leading
questions that probe your past may unwittingly
trigger thoughts that are more imagination of
fantasy than reality. They could lead to
condemnation of acts that were not committed…
Remember false accusation is also a sin.”
Forgive
(Matthew 18)
“Forgiveness helps heal… Begin by
withholding judgment. You don’t know what
abusers may have suffered as victims when
innocent. The way to repentance must be
kept open for them… As you experience an
easing of your own pain, full forgiveness will
come more easily… You cannot erase what
has been done, but you can forgive.
Forgiveness heals terrible, tragic wounds,
for it allows the love of God to purge your
heart and mind of the poison of hate. It
cleanses your consciousness of the desire for
revenge. It makes place for the purifying,
healing, restoring love of the Lord..”
HEALING THE TRAGIC SCARS OF ABUSE
One of the great tragedies of our day is the increasing
number of cases of abuse. Some of you, here, may
understand this all too well. Some of you know firsthand
the scars that can be left by abuse. There may even be
someone here who has been guilty of abusing another.
You need to understand the pain another may have felt at
your hand.
Elder Scott said:
“As a victim you [may] have experienced fear,
depression, guilt, self-hatred, destruction of self-esteem,
and alienation from normal human relationships.
When aggravated by continued abuse,
powerful emotions of rebellion, anger, and
hatred are generated. These feelings often are
focused against oneself, others, life itself, and
even Heavenly Father. Frustrated efforts to fight
back can degenerate into drug abuse,
immorality abandonment of home, and,
tragically in extreme cases, suicide. Unless
corrected, these feelings lead to despondent
lives, discordant marriages, and even the
transition from victim to abuser. One awful
result is a deepening lack of trust in other,
which becomes a barrier to healing” (Elder
Richard G. Scott, “Healing the Tragic Scars of
Abuse”).
Elder Scott taught that those scars need not be
permanent.
He said:
“Know that the wicked choice of others cannot
completely destroy your agency unless you
permit it. Their acts may cause pain, anguish,
even physical harm, but they cannot destroy your
eternal determine to overcome the harmful
results of abuse. Your attitude can control the
change for good in you life. It allows you to have
the help the Lord intends you to receive… the
laws of your Heavenly Father and the atonement
of the lord have made it possible that you will not
be robbed of the opportunities which come to
the children of God” (ibid).
INTRODUCTION
Some years ago, I struggled to know how to help a priest in my ward.
He had already violated the law of chastity to some degree and was
very close to falling further. We talked about a mission. He assured me
that he still planned to go. I asked him if he understood that more
serious violations of the law of chastity would certainly delay his
mission plans and could prevent them altogether. He said: “Well, I
know that repentance is always available. I know of many who have
gone on missions who have violated the law of chastity. You just repent
before you go.” Then he added, “My own brother was guilty of
fornication before his mission and was still able to go and.. he served a
good mission. I talked to him about it and he said that he was actually
glad that he had committed those sins. He felt it made him a stronger,
better person. He said he also felt it made him a better missionary. He
was better able to understand people and have compassion for them.”
“So, you see,” he added, “I think you actually come out ahead when you
sin and repent.”
That young man, by the way, has now been married and divorced
twice.
I did all I knew how to do to persuade him
to repent and not sin further. Unfortunately,
he was so convinced that he could have a
few “free ones,” repent, and then go on a
mission, that he did not heed my counsel.
He persisted in sin, was guilty of
fornication, lost all desire to serve a
mission, and is now out of the church.
What a loss to himself, his future wife and
children.
Elder Dallin H. Oaks said,
“Some Latter-day Saints who wrongly think
repentance is easy maintain that a little sinning
will not hurt. Young people of this persuasion
may say, ‘It is okay to have a few free ones,
because it is easy to repent before your
mission or marriage’…Perhaps some would
even assert that a person is better off after he
has sinned and repented. ‘Get a little
experience with sin,’ one argument goes, ‘and
then you will be better to counsel and
sympathize with sinners. You can always
repent’” (“Sins, Crimes, and Atonement,” An
address given to CES religious educators on
Temple Square Assembly Hall, Salt Lake City,
Utah, 7 February 1992).
President Spencer W. Kimball said:
“An error into which some transgressors fall,
because of the availability of God’s forgiveness,
is the illusion that they are somehow stronger [or
better off] for having committed sin and then
lived through the period of repentance. This
simply is not true… The reformed transgressor, it
is true may be more understanding of one who
falls into the same sin, and to that extent perhaps
more helpful in the latter’s regeneration. But his
sin and repentance have certainly not made him
stronger than the consistently righteous person”
(Miracle of Forgiveness, 357).
WHY DO PEOPLE PROCRASTINATE
REPENTANCE?
Perhaps, the two most common reasons
are:
1.
Repentance is perceived to be
too easy.
2.
Repentance is perceived to be
too hard.
(Repentance requires “godly sorrow,” or suffering)
What is Godly Sorrow?
Elder Orson Pratt said:
“There are different kinds of sorrows. Thieves, robbers, murderers,
adulterers, etc. are frequently sorrowful because they have been detected
in the crimes they have committed. They are not sorrowful because they
have sinned against God, or because they have injured others… Others
have sorrow arising through fear. They are convinced that they have…
violated the law of God, and they greatly fear the consequences in the
great judgment day; but yet they feel no disposition to [change]…But the
sorrow that is acceptable in the sight of God…is a sorrow which arises
from a knowledge of our own unworthiness [before] God…This kind of
sorrow will lead us to obey every commandment of God; it will make us
humble…it will cause us to watch, with great carefulness, every word,
[every] thought, and [every] deed” (“True Repentance,” A series of
Pamphlets by Orson Pratt, 30-31).
GODLY SORROW
Godly sorrow, then, consists of three main
things.
First:
an awareness of our
unworthiness before God.
Second:
an awareness of our complete
dependence upon the Lord.
Third:
a willingness to submit to the
will of God and to keep every
commandment.
“There can be no real
repentance without
personal suffering and the
passage of sufficient time
for the needed cleansing
and turning” (“Repentance,”
Ensign, November 1991).
Repentance requires confession. Confession lets the sin that
makes us spiritually sick empty out and the Spirit of the Lord fill its
place.
Elder Bruce R. McConkie taught that there are two confessions
required by the Lord.
“There are two confessions and two sources of forgiveness. A
sinner must always confess all sins, great and small, to the Lord; in
addition, any sins involving moral turpitude and any serious sins
for which a person might be disfellowshipped or excommunicated
must also be confessed to the Lord’s agent, who in most instances
is the Bishop. The Bishop is empowered to forgive sins as far as the
Church is concerned, meaning that he can choose to retain the
repentant person in full fellowship and not impose court penalties
upon him. Ultimate forgiveness in all instances and for all sins
comes from the Lord and from the Lord only” (A New Witness for;
the Articles of Faith, 236).
“Pride keeps repentance from even starting
or continuing. Some fail because they are
more concerned with the preservation of their
public image than with having Christ’s image
in their countenances! (Alma 5:14)…Giving
away all our sins is the only way we can come
to know God (Alma 22:18)… Those who hold
back some of their sins will be held back.
Partial disclosure to appointed leaders brings
full accountability (Ensign, Nov. 1991, 32).
D&C 19:15-17
Elder Dallin H. Oaks said:
“Do these scriptures mean that a person who repents does not need
to suffer at all because the entire punishment is borne by the Savior?
[No].. [They] mean that the person who repents does not need to
suffer ‘even as’ the Savior suffered for that sin. Sinners who are
repenting will experience some suffering, but, because of their
repentance and because of the Atonement, they will not experience
the full extent of [suffering] the Savior [did] for that sin..The suffering
that impels a transgressor toward repentance is his or her own
suffering. But the suffering that satisfies the demands of justice for all
repented transgressions is the suffering of our Savior and Redeemer.
Some transgressors..[ask] ‘Why must I suffer at all? Now that I have
said I am sorry, why can’t you just give me mercy and forget about
this?’…The object of God’s laws is to save the sinner, not simply to
punish him. The repentant transgressor must be changed, and the
conditions for repentance, including confession and personal
suffering, are essential to accomplish that change. To exempt a
transgressor from those conditions would deprive him of the change
necessary for his salvation (“Sins, Crimes, and Atonement,” Address to
CES Religious Educators,7 Feb. 1992).
Confession involves more than
disclosure. Whether we are confessing
our sins to the Lord or to the judge in
Israel, confession involves more than
telling them what they need to know. It
is an expression of what we are going to
do. It is a covenant with the Lord.
Contrary to the belief of many in
the Church, repentance is not
just returning to where we were
before we sinned. It is more than
that. The Second part of the
covenant we make in confession
is to fill our lives with
righteousness. We must replace
evil with good.
“Do not merely try to discard a bad habit or a
bad thought. Replace it. When you try to
eliminate a bad habit, if the spot where it used to
be is left open it will sneak back and crawl again
into that empty space. It grew there; it will
struggle to stay there. When you discard it, fill
up the spot where it was. Replace it with
something good. Replace it with unselfish
thoughts, with unselfish acts. Then, if an evil
habit or addiction tries to return, it will have to
fight for attention. You are in charge of you. I
repeat, it is very, very difficult to eliminate a bad
habit [or sin] just by trying to discard it. You
must replace it” (That All May Be Edified, 196).
“I cannot comprehend His power, His majesty, His
perfections. But I do understand something of His
compassion, His mercy. There is no burden He cannot
lift, there is no heart He cannot purify and fill with joy,
there is no life He cannot cleanse and restore, when one
is obedient to His teachings… He is your Father; Pray to
him. If your life is in disarray and you feel
uncomfortable and unworthy to pray because you are
not clean, don’t worry. He already knows about all of
that. He is waiting to be led to support you and guide
you and lift you. Pray that the love of the Savior will pour
into your heart. Pray that the miracle of the Atonement
with bring forgiveness because you are willing to
change. I know that those prayers will be answered, for
God loves you. His son gave His life for you. I know they
will help you” (Ensign, Nov. 1988, 77).
“The Savior desires to save us from our inadequacies as well as our
sins…A sense of falling short of falling down is not only natural, but
essential to the moral experience…The atonement can
compensate not only for our sins, but also for our inadequacies; not
only for our deliberate mistakes, but also for our sins, committed in
ignorance, our errors of judgment, and even our unavoidable
imperfections… I grieve for those who…believe that in the quest
for eternal life, the Atonement is there only to help big-time
sinners; and that they, as everyday Mormons who just have to try
harder, must ‘make it’ on their own. The truth is not that we must
make it on our own, [The truth is] that he will make us his own. [As
we hold onto the iron rod] we are likely to find that the cold rod of
iron will begin to feel…like [the] loving hand of him who literally
pulls us along the way. We find that hand [both] strong enough to
rescue us [and] warm enough to assure us that home is not far
away…It is so important for us to be on the Lord’s side. But we
should never forget that the Lord is also on our side” (Ensign, April
1990, 8, 11).
So while repentance is more an attitude than it is a checklist of steps, it
must, of necessity, include a number of steps in order to be complete.
These include:
(1)
Recognition of wrong. As with the prodigal son who finally “came to
himself” (Luke 15:17), A person must, as Jacob taught, see “things as
they really are” (Jacob 4:13). Rationalization, self-justification, or
minimizing the sin keeps repentance from continuing.
(2)
Godly sorrow
(3)
Confession
(4)
Abandonment of sin
(5)
Restitution. We must restore or give back what has been taken or
lost.
(6)
Do the will of the Father. We must fill our lives with good.
“It is not enough simply to try to resist evil or
empty our lives of sin. We must also fill our lives
with righteousness. We must engage in
activities that bring spiritual power. I speak of
such activities as immersing ourselves in the
scriptures. There is a power that flows into our
lives when we read and study the scriptures on a
daily basis that cannot be found in any other
way. Daily prayer is another source of great
power. Fasting…can help us beyond our normal
ability… Service, church attendance…can all
add to our store house of strength and power”
(The Law of Chastity).
1. I stand all amazed at the love
Jesus offers me,
Confused at the grace that so
fully he proffers me.
I tremble to know that for me
he was crucified,
That for me, a sinner, he
suffered, he bled and died.
2. I marvel that he would
descend from his throne divine
To rescue a soul so rebellious
and proud as mine,
That he should extend his great
love unto such as I,
Sufficient to own, to redeem,
and to justify.
3. I think of his hands pierced
and bleeding to pay the debt!
Such mercy, such love and
devotion can I forget?
No, no, I will praise and adore
at the mercy seat,
Until at the glorified throne I
kneel at his feet.
[Chorus]
Oh, it is wonderful that he
should care for me
Enough to die for me!
Oh, it is wonderful, wonderful
to me!
President Boyd K. Packer, Acting President of the Quorum of the
Twelve Apostles said,
“In April of 1847, Brigham Young led the first company of
pioneers out of Winter Quarters. At the same time, 1,600 miles
to the west the pathetic survivors of the Donner Party straggled
down the slopes of the Sierra Nevada Mountains into the
Sacramento Valley.
“They had spent the ferocious winter trapped in the snowdrifts
below the summit. That any survived the days and weeks and
months of starvation and indescribable suffering is almost
beyond belief.
“Among them was fifteen-year-old John Breen. On the night of
April 24 he walked into Johnson’s Ranch. Years later he wrote:
“’It was long after dark when we got to Johnson’s Ranch, so the
first time I saw it was early in the morning. The weather was
fine, the ground was covered with green grass, the birds were
singing form the tops of the trees, and the journey was over. I
could scarcely believe I was alive.
“’The scene that I saw that morning seems to be photographed
on my mind. Most of the incidents are gone from memory, but I
can always see the camp near Johnson’s Ranch’ [John Breen,
“Pioneer Memoirs,” unpublished, as quoted on “The
Americanization of Utah,” PBS television broadcast].
“At first I was very puzzled by his statement that ‘most of the
incidents are gone from him memory.’ How could long months
of incredible suffering and sorrow ever be gone from is mind?
How could that brutal dark winter be replaced with one brilliant
morning?
“On further reflection I decided it was not puzzling at
all. I have seen something similar happen to people I
have known. I have seen some who have spent a long
winter of guilt and spiritual starvation emerge into the
morning of forgiveness. When morning came, they
learned this:
“’Behold, he who has repented of his sins, the same is
forgiven, and I, the Lord, remember them no more’
[D&C 58:42].
“’Letters come from those who have made tragic
mistakes. They ask, ‘Can I ever be forgiven?’
“The answer is yes!” (Conference Report, Sept.-Oct.
1995, 21-22).
“Without a covenant or promise before God,
that we will forsake sin with an unshaken
determination, that we will henceforth yield
to no evil, our confession and repentance
will be vain” (“True repentance,” A series of
Pamphlets by Orson Pratt, 31-32;
republished in Orson Pratt: Writings of an
Apostle, Mormon Heritage publishers, Salt
Lake City, 1976).
Elder Dallin H. Oaks said:
“I spoke earlier of persons who think that
repentance is too easy. There are many such among
the young. At the opposite extreme are those who
think that repentance is too hard. Our youth include
many of these also. This group of souls are so
tender-hearted and conscientious that they see sin
everywhere in their own lives, and they despair of
ever being able to be clean. “One of Satan’s most
potent techniques of discouragement is to deny the
power of the Atonement by persuading a sinner that
God cannot or will not forgive him or her. Or, he
may seek to persuade a sinner that he is so
depraved that he must not forgive himself…Part of
the process of repentance is to let go of our sins, to
yield them up to God and follow his example by
forgiving ourselves as he forgave us” (ibid).
In the October 1995 General
Conference, President Boyd K. Packer
said: “Except for the very few who
defect to perdition, there is no habit,
no addiction, no rebellion, no
transgression, no apostasy, no crime
exempted from the promise of
complete forgiveness. That is the
promise of the Atonement of Christ”
(Ensign, November 1995, 20).
Danger of Pornography
Female Student
February 3, 2005
Just like any other college student I have a lot of dreams. The
greatest of all dreams is to marry in the temple and raise
children up to the Lord. As I have thought over many years
about the qualities I wish my husband to possess I never
thought much about personal purity. That quality was
something I always assumed he would have… but the
importance of that quality has recently been reared into my
heart and soul.
The last semester of my sophomore year of college I met a
wonderful young man. He was my first love. We dated a little bit
that semester and then we both went home to our families for
the summer. I think it is safe to say that we fell in love with each
other over one email a day and phone calls on the weekend,
with the occasional visit thrown in for variety. Our relationship
blossomed in a beautiful, healthy way. It was the greatest
experience I have ever had.
When we returned to school in the fall, we became very close,
quickly. I was treated like a goddess, never wanting, really,
because I had the most generous, gentle, sensitive man by my
side. He loved the Lord and he loved me. Add to that my
marvelous family and my testimony of the gospel and love for
God and I had it made. It was the happiest time of my life.
Looking back on it now, I am still amazed at how many
memories I fit into such a short period of time. It’s unbelievable
and almost doesn’t seem real. The thought of marriage crossed
my mind. There were times that I could see him being a father to
my children… playing with them, teaching them and rearing
them by my side.
My fairy tale, I wish I could say ended well, but it didn’t. About
six weeks after school started I began to sense that something
was awry in our relationship. I couldn’t put my finger on it and
when I asked if he was alright, he always said yes. However, one
day he let me know he had things he needed to tell me and we
went out that night and talked.
Holding the hand of the man that I had come to love so dearly, I
sat next to him as he poured out his soul. I found he had a
problem with pornography and had been dealing with it for a
matter of years. I remember the distinct physical pain I felt upon
hearing that ugly word. It couldn’t be true.
Sadly enough, it was. We continued the relationship for a time
after that but it soon came to its needed end. I realize now that I
was in a state of shock after I first found out about things and
was not responding as I normally would have.
I had no idea what to do with myself. My parents knew
something was gravely wrong but I had not divulged
information until after we broke things off. The night I sobbed
out my story over the phone to two compassionate parents will
always be etched into my memory. My sobs, so full of a
passionate pain, were so bad that my mother had to tell me to
start over and repeat what I said over and over again because
she couldn’t understand me through the tears.
I realize now that I was lucky to have a boyfriend
who was so sincerely honest with me. Many people
do not find out about issues such as this until they
are within marriage bonds. My heart goes out to
those people. Seeing how this has ripped at my
heart now, I don’t wish to imagine what it would do
to a marriage.
We made a mutual agreement to end the
relationship and I always felt good about the
decision. I had the decision confirmed in prayer and
have had it confirmed on numerous occasions since.
Nevertheless, I’ve learned the hard way that peace
does not take away the pain of loss but does allow
you to go forward. It’s tricky business to try and
convince your heart of what you head knows and
understands. It was ironic to have such deep,
stinging pain in opposition to the exquisite
happiness I had felt just weeks previous.
I was determined to be a friend to him and help encourage him
through the hard times that lay ahead. Previous to our meeting
he had been working with his Bishop and was receiving help
from a counselor on campus. He was doing his part but still
finding it a struggle.
His battle with pornography began with inappropriate media on
the Internet. It turned into what I understand to be an instant
addiction and has plagued his life since. I don’t understand it,
but I know that people cannot turn off the computer… it holds
them entranced. It is not something anyone desires to view…
but turns into a monster if not immediately left alone.
Pornography is a disease. It is disgustingly ironic that
pornography and family history hold the top two places hit on
the Internet—there are God’s purposes and then Satan’s. In a
presentation done on pornography in one of my classes I heard
the addiction be compared to that of heroine. I’m not sure how
correct that statistic is… but it wouldn’t surprise me if it were
true.
I always gave my mom a hard time when she insisted that our
computer, once we got the Internet, be put in our family room. Now, I
understand. I didn’t understand why she confiscated my brothers’
swim suit issue of Sports Illustrated when we were younger and tore
out all the pictures giving my brothers back maybe five pages at
most. Now, I understand.
When my brothers came home from the last General Priesthood
Meeting and talked about President Hinckley’s powerful talk I didn’t
think much about it. Then, pornography was just a word and it was
someone else’s problem I don’t think that anymore. It is real. It is an
addiction and a disease. It does nothing but tear people’s lives apart,
break hearts, and destroy the soul of those it takes prisoners.
Leave it alone. If you find pornography as your master, seek help.
Heavenly Father loves you and wants nothing but to help take your
pain away but you must ask and be prepared to work harder than
you could ever have imagined. Know your Savior loves you. Go to
your Bishop and seek help from your loved ones and friends you
trust. The counseling department here on campus is excellent and
wants to help. Besides one-on-one counseling, group therapy is
offered as well for those who have loved ones who suffer from it.
Help is available for all involved in the struggling, whether you
struggle with the problem yourself or know someone who does. The
fight is worth it. I believe that with all of my heart.
When you find yourself in a relationship that looks like it might have
eternal possibilities—ask questions! Make sure you know the person you
love inside and out. Don’t be afraid to ask questions—it could save
heartache later.
I was surprised with how much pain pornography brought to my life when
I did not suffer from the problem myself. I became frustrated because it
seems like all counsel available on the subject is geared toward those who
suffer… not anyone else. I longed for words of comfort in my own situation.
I asked advice from family members and was struck most by a sister-inlaw’s advice to kneel at my Savior’s feet and talk with Him. On my knees
was the position in which I found the most solace. I cried all the time. I
dove into the scriptures, collecting, even still, scriptures pertinent to my
situation. I talked with my family long and hard. I talked with my bishop
and went back to him on multiple occasions. I went to the temple and had
never been so excited to step within its door in all the years I held a
recommend. I craved the peace and the Spirit. I found words of comfort in
the hymns, especially “Be Still My Soul” and “Where Can I Turn For
Peace?”
Looking back on my experience I laugh when people tell me they are
sorry. I am too. Dealing with this issue was never something I imagined or
suspected. I never once had any indication of having my heart broken.
Over the months since we broke up I have felt many emotions: anger, hurt,
shock, surprise, disgust and most of all sadness. Thinking of the issue even
now brings deep and profound sadness. I cannot think on it too long or I
start to cry.
Strangely enough, I’ve decided that if I had a chance to live my
experience over again I would do it. My testimony has grown in ways
that I cannot adequately express in words. Heavenly Father gives
comfort in time of pain. He even granted me the faith to get out of bed
on those mornings where even that action seemed impossible. I
wouldn’t trade my relationship with God for any unbroken heart—no
matter how good it felt. The Atonement is real. I always had a
testimony of it but the night I had its power manifested to me again
will always stand out in my memory. I was kneeling in prayer and had
the Spirit wash over me in wave after wave as if to say, “You didn’t
catch it the first time? Here it is again.” I know it to be real. Christ knelt
in that garden and hung on the cross and truly descended below all
things. He knows how we feel and His love is unfathomable. Christ
wants to take away our pain. He wants to heal our hearts. We need to
seek Him and know we can be healed and made perfectly whole.
I wish I could say that my pain is now gone, but it isn’t. I know now that
it will take more time than I thought for both parties to heal. I still
communicate with him and want to jump for joy when I hear of his
triumphs. I know he will conquer his problems. And I believe in him.
The Atonement heals all pain, even that caused by pornography. It is
still my own sincere prayer that my intense pain will fall into its proper
place. It will, with the help of Christ’s sacrifice.
From:
Anonymous
Sent:
Thursday, February 09, 2006 1:51 PM
To:
Pyper, Lon
Subject: Another Story
Brother Pyper,
I have been unsure as to whether I wanted to share
with you my story, but I think getting it out might
help. It’s a little different than the letters you shared
with us in class but on the same topic.
All my life I grew up in a perfect family… at least to
me, a child, it was perfect. The thought that anything
could go wrong was unfathomable. Every one of my
brothers and sisters were active and my parents had
the best marriage anyone could have.
One week everyone was out of town and I was alone with my dad. This
week changed my life. I went down in the basement and he would
change the channel or I would see the word, “stop” on the screen. I was
young and a bit naive, so I just forgot about it. It gave me an
uncomfortable feeling but I didn’t know what was going on. A few
months later when my mom and sister were home it happened again. I
went to my sister about it and she got very worried. It didn’t even cross
my mind that my father, who had been a bishop and a stake president,
could be involved in pornography. All his life he had been a musician.
Everyone in the church knows him and he composes and arranges
music for the church all the time. This could not be happening. Finally,
my sister went to my mother and my mother confronted my dad. It
broke my mother’s heart. He felt like she wasn’t enough, yet she has
always been the perfect wife and mother. It was so hard. My sister, my
mom, and I were the only ones who knew. He went to the bishop and a
while later told us he had taken care of it all and was done with it. What
a relief! While he was involved in it he didn’t want to do anything. He
kept to himself and didn’t talk to us like he used to. When he was
working with the bishop things got so much better. He started getting
involved with us again and helped around the house. He kept himself
busy with projects and music. I thought everything was good again. I
was wrong.
About a year later my sister came to me and told me that he was
involved in pornography again. He didn’t know we knew but we had to
do something. We prayed and fasted. Finally we called the stake
president. We asked him if he could see how our dad was doing. We
were worried though, fearing disfellowsip and what that would do to
him and our mother. At times I hated him for it. I wanted to throw the
TV and computer out the window. I didn’t know how my mother could
take it anymore. My dad talked with the stake president and was
disfellowshiped. By this time I think the whole family knew. He didn’t
say anything to us about it he still kept to himself. I can’t even imagine
how hard it must be to know that eight of your own children knew what
you had done, and to imagine their disappointment in you.
My mother says he is doing fine now and she reassures me that she
loves him. “That is what the Savior has taught us to do,” she says. He
didn’t cast the sinners out, but showed them love. I try to show my dad
all the love that I have because I want him to know that there is
something so much better in me than anything he can find in
pornography. I want him to want to be with me forever but feel like he
doesn’t because of the choices he has made. He is a great man and I
still look up to him. I know he loves us all and would do anything for
my mother, but I resent what he has done. It has scarred me for life. It
has scarred his marriage for life. It has scarred my whole family. It’s so
hard to forgive him, especially when I still will go downstairs and see
him switch the channel, but I have faith that he can overcome this.
It is so hard for me to trust men. It is even harder for my
sister, because she had to confront my dad with his
problem a couple times. She hates that her husband
wants to be intimate with her. She sees it as evil. It is hard
for her to even let him kiss her. It frightens me as well.
How will I ever know that a man loves me for who I am?
How can I trust that when he tells me he is not involved in
pornography or will never be involved in it, that he
means it? I have never told anyone this story before. I
have never told anyone my feelings before. I don’t know
how to overcome this but if you could help me in some
way I would be so grateful! I love my dad more than
anything! I pray for him always. I wish there was
something I could do to help him but I don’t know what I
can do. I can never stop wondering if he has truly
overcome his addiction. It will haunt me for the rest of
my life.
My family is still strong in the gospel. I still can’t tell
if this experience has brought us closer together or
further apart. Pornography is a destroying sin. It
destroys everything in its path, leaving nothing left
but sorrow and hurt. I pray that my husband never
has and never will be involved in something so
hideous. There are too many good things to see and
experience to waste one’s soul on pornography! I
hope this temptation will not plague the next
generation as it has plagued this one. I have set
goals for my future family that I hope will aid in
bringing my family safely to the celestial kingdom.
It is so close. This life is but a fraction of the
eternities. I hope I can have the faith to help my
father completely overcome this, so it will not even
be a temptation to him, and so we can be together
as a family for all eternity. What can be more
beautiful than this?
From: Anonymous
Sent:
Wednesday, October 17, 2007 4:09 PM
To:
Pyper, Lon
Subject: Important! For Bro. Pyper’s Rel 234 class
Brother Pyper,
I raced home from class today, after reading/ sharing
the letters about abuse and overcoming it. I felt strongly
impressed to share my experience with you. I hope that,
should you feel to share with future classes, it will help
someone who may be going through what I did.
It was my 19th birthday (in August) and my boyfriend of
15 months and I were engaged!! It was the best birthday
present I’d ever received. He was such an amazing man,
honest, and fun. He always treated me with respect and
dignity.
We never argued, just agreed to disagree on some things and move
on. My family loved him. My friends loved him. I loved him, he loved
me. He made me want to be better, made me live the gospel more
fully. He was everything and more that I had ever hoped to find.
I quit going to school at BYUI and moved down to Utah to live with my
brother and his family until the wedding, which was set for December
9th in the SLC temple. I found a job and went to work full-time. The
drive between us (he’s from UT) was about 20 minutes, depending on
traffic. I learned to drive stick shift on a really old car that died a lot, so
taking it on the freeway was out of the question. If we were to see each
other, it would be his “duty” to drive to me. I hated asking that of him,
with us trying to save for married life, but being with him was
important to me. Slowly things started to change between us. He came
to see me… once a week for 4 hours total. We talked every night
before bed, on the phone, except… conversations became unknown
between us. All we did was argue. Everything I did was wrong. Even if
I hadn’t talked to him all day, if he was having a bad day, it was my
fault. If things were good or he was happy, it was because of
something he’d done. He used to tell me he loved me all the time. He
always called me “his baby girl” (a somewhat childish name that just…
made me melt). Now, I had to “earn it”. He didn’t love me unless I had
done something right. I had to lose weight or work more hours, or get
home when he wanted me home, sleep when he told me to, say what
he wanted me to say.
I was angry and hurt by how he was treating me.
This was a different man… his evil twin or
something! This wasn’t the man I’d just devoted a
year and a half to! But… I blew it off. I didn’t let it get
to me. We planned, a month in advance, to go to the
SLC temple and do baptisms together. The much
anticipated morning arrived! Since we were
supposed to start at 7 am, I got up about 5:30 to get
ready, since he was supposed to come at 6:30 so
that we could get there on time. 6:30 came and 6:30
went. So did 7, 8… finally at 9:30 I called his house
when his dad picked up. He’d been downstairs
sleeping. When he picked up I asked him if he was
okay, slept past his alarm, hadn’t heard his cell
ringing. He blew up at me. He said he’d been on his
way but was going to be a few minutes late, decided
it wasn’t worth it so he returned home to sleep. I was
sobbing. He told me I was an idiot (and other choice
words) for making such a big deal about it.
When I told him that it was baptisms and those people
had been waiting a long time, of course it was important
to me, he said that I was dumb and naïve to the Lord’s
ways. The argument escalated so I hung up and went to
the primary program practice (since I had been called
as a CTR5 teacher). He came into the house that
afternoon and gave me a hug and a kiss and apologized.
He asked if it was okay that we went to the SLC temple
anyways, even though we could no longer do baptisms. I
felt relieved for his (what felt) sincere apology and of
course accepted. We drove down there in silence. When
we got to the temple, he parked on a hill. I’d never seen
this view before! It was absolutely beautiful! Truly the
Lord’s house. I was caught up in thoughts and emotions,
so much that I couldn’t stand, or get out of the car. How
much peace the temple brings! I had forgotten he was in
the car with me, I don’t know how much time passed but I
looked over at him, with determination to be better and
to do more for him and our relationship.
That night I stayed up packing thinking, crying and praying. We left at
6 AM to drive back home to my parent’s house, my brother and his
family and I. It was a very strong peace, with each mile that passed
between us, that I was making the right decision. That not marrying
him would bring happiness into my life. When I got home, I tearfully
told my mom that the wedding was off. I couldn’t why… didn’t want to
relive the pain he’d caused me. He showed up at my house, just days
before thanksgiving, told me he loved me, said that he’d been thinking
about what he’d done and how he treated me and felt horrible. He said
that I was important to him, and that I made him a better person. Could
I please forgive him and could we get past this… together? I believe in
second chances (I’ve gotten so many from God to not believe) and so I
said yes but that I wasn’t going to marry him. We could be friends but
that was it. Since we had been together for so long, a big part of me
still trusted him and had faith in him. My family had gone to the
movies, but I’d stayed home sleeping because I’d been sick with the
flu. The phone started ringing so I turned to grab it, he shut the door,
locked it, and was kissing me before I could walk away 4 steps. I will
not share the details because those things just don’t need to be heard
but I was a victim of rape. I don’t know nor care to know how long that
took, but when my mom walked in the door, she was shocked to see
me on the side of the couch, huddled in a ball crying and
hyperventilating and him standing over me telling me to breath and
that everything would be okay.
My parents thought very highly of him, and never
expected anything like that. And I was just too disgusted
to say anything to anyone. When he left to the airport that
afternoon I told him that I never wanted to see him again,
hear from him again or even know that he existed. He
proudly told me that I loved him and would come crawling
back to him… in just a short time, he’d have me again. For
2 months I kept that secret to myself. Pretending to be
happy, laughing because everyone else was, sharing in
conversation so no one would suspect that real reason
behind my tears and quietness, and sometimes shorttempered rudeness. It wasn’t until January (after I had reapplied to come back here for school and gotten my
acceptance letter) that I could no longer handle the stress,
pain and embarrassment by myself. I tearfully and
fearfully, went into my parents room around midnight,
woke them up and told them exactly why I’d been acting
the way that I was. After what seemed like a million
questions and tears later, my wonderful father gave me a
father’s blessing.
My parents reassured me of their love for me
and their desire to help me get over this. I met
with my bishop and a counselor once a week
until the summer semester began and I moved
back up here.
I still meet with a councilor at the health center
once a week to help me continue to get past
the pain that I feel, to learn to trust and become
myself again. I found out just a few months ago
that he had been addicted to pornography, had
been cheating on me and now has a little girl
that he named Kaylee… the name I’ve wanted
for my daughter since I was a small child.
D&C 121:7-8 reads, “my son (daughter) peace be unto
thy soul. Thine adversity and thine affliction shall be but
a small moment; and then, if thou endure it well, God
shall exalt thee on high.”
I am proud to say that I know who Christ is, and I know
that he lives and loves me. I do not hate men, I do not
think they are horrible liars. I just think I happened to
find one who lost his way and lost sight of his true worth
in God’s eyes. I pray every day for his happiness and
hope that he finds Christ again. I know that Jesus NEVER
turns his back on us… we turn our backs on him. He was
the constant that I had. He never ever left me. There
were times when I felt my parents did not believe me or
thought I had made it up. But, I know my parents love
me, are always there for me and will never give up on
me. Families are forever. The church is true!! God loves
us!
PLEASE, please, please… if you are in a relationship that
causes any degree of discomfort or that won’t allow you
to feel the Holy Ghost… GET OUT!!
Don’t blow it off. Don’t think it can’t happen to you. I
believed it couldn’t happen to me. I’m a good girl,
planning on going on a mission, with 6 RM siblings, 4 of
whom are married with families of their own. My dad
goes to the temple every week and my Mom’s been an
RS president and seminary teacher. It happens. You are a
daughter of God with infinite worth. The hurtful things
aid and done to you do not determine who you are. God
loves you as much now as the day you were born. Don’t
be ashamed to go to your parents, the bishop, and a
counselor. They are loving adults who can help you heal,
help you learn who you are again, and help you learn to
trust again.
Please have faith that your husband is out
there… that he will be as amazing as you
dream of and more than you hope for. God is
always watching over you, turn to Him. Pray
always, pray as though it all depends on
God… then get up and go about it as though
it all depends on you! He will help you, but
you have to be willing to help yourself, too. I
am grateful for this experience in my life.
Sounds weird, doesn’t it? But I now can be
that willing hand, understanding heart and
shoulder to cry on for others… that I
otherwise could never have been.
From: Anonymous
Sent: Thursday, February 09, 2006
To:
Pyper, Lon
Subject: Private
Sensitivity: Confidential
I just wanted to share a few thought and
feelings about our last class.
For the past 7 months I have been going through something I
never thought I would have to deal with. I do not want to go into
much detail or information, but I just broke off a 6 month
relationship with a young man here on campus. Two months into
the relationship he told me he had issues with same-gender
attraction. I stayed with him as he opened up to me and asked
for help. As time went on the relationship got very manipulative
and emotionally abusive. I stayed with him and stood by his side
as every person around me pleaded with me to run away from
him. I came to find out that he felt that homosexual activity was
okay and allowed in the church. The relationship was strained as
I felt that it was morally wrong. I was crazy for thinking that
guys don’t do that. I turned to my Bishop and a counselor on
campus for help. Each of them have worked very closely with
me as I have finally cut things off. As the letter was read in class
I felt that the very words from my prayers and journal entries
were being read to the class. I am a second witness that
personal sins and weaknesses affect more than one person.
They have a rippling effect. My outlook on life, dating, men,
and marriage have been so tainted. I am working so hard to
forgive, grow and move on from this.
Always stand by your beliefs. As my boyfriend
opened up with me I wanted to be good and help
him. So in the process I found myself saying things
like “That is okay” instead of saying “Masturbation
is wrong, but you can work through that” with the
intention of not judging him, I became complacent
with his sins.
More then anything I learned that I needed to open
my eyes and listen to the Spirit. I learned that I am
not alone. I have parents who love and care about
me. I have a Bishop that wants the best for me and
now I have a counselor on campus that can help me
overcome my jaded views. As I pray, attend the
Temple, ponder, and study the scriptures I can once
again have faith in marriage and move on with life.
I guess more then anything I want to share with you
a few things that I have learned.
Listen to the Spirit. From the very beginning I knew
something was not right. Several times I had distinct
feelings to RUN and leave the relationship. The more
I pushed that a way the less I heard the voice. If it
feels wrong IT IS WRONG.
Red flags:
I, like the Spirit, saw red flag after red flag.
Heed them!!!
June 9th, 2013 from a young man in class:
I do think that today’s class made me a little more discouraged than when I
entered. We must disconnect the sin from the sinner. Yes, people hurt us,
but it isn’t them --- it is the sin that they commit. Today when we were
reading the story about the father who was involved in pornography that
used to be a Stake President and Bishop you said that obviously there were
other things that caused him to be disfellowshipped. The reader asked,
“Even though he was a Stake President he wouldn’t have been
disfellowshiped?” When you said no she said, “Really?” and had a
disgusted face about her as if he had committed the most evil of sins and
should have been exiled if possible.
I write to the women of this class the following:
Pornography is a horrible thing that Satan has made great use of in our
lives. It is not however, something that relates to an automatic “No!” from
Heavenly Father when someone finds out their loved has had problems with
it. I am fearful that young women have it ingrained in their minds that just
because a man has even seen a pornographic image, even if he was
searching for it, that he can never be trusted or be worthy of a marriage
with him.
Please remember that many disciples of Christ could have had similar
issues. The scriptures tell us of Saul’s erroneous ways as well as Alma who
wasted his youth enjoying the harlot’s of King Noah. These men came to a
knowledge that their ways were wrong and what they once deemed to be
good were in fact horrible in the sight of God. Once these men repented
of their sins they were solid. Wouldn’t you women love to marry someone
as steadfast and faithful as Paul or Alma?
I’m not saying pornography is okay. I clearly know and testify that its
glamor and false beauty come from Satan and is evil. However I do know
that it is something that can be controlled and overcome. A man that
might have had issues as an adolescent boy can destroy it out of his life
and never bring it into a marriage. You’re chances of finding a man who
has never seen pornographic material in any way are slim.
The point I make is that many men do not have the intent to look at
pornography when the become subject to it. In 1997, I was seven years
old when I first saw porn. I was playing on the computer in my brother’s
room when I saw a pop-up, which to this day is still burned in my mind. As
Elder Holland said, “internet can, allow my children or grand children
access to global cesspool of perceptions that could blast a crater in their
brains forever.” Indeed in my seven old mind that is precisely what it did.
After baptism and confirmation I hadn’t much interest in it and I began to
know of the evil that I had seen. At age 13 however, I had already
become victim to the disgusting drive to indulge myself with
pornography, the following years I kept quiet about what I was doing and
pretended that nothing was there. At the age of 17 after an interview
with the Bishop something opened my eyes. He said, “You are an
amazing young man and if not, you have a lot of people fooled.” I took a
long hard look at my life and realized that I was a total hypocrite because
of the lie that I had created. I finally talked to the Bishop and tried to
resolve my sins. In this however, lack of success put me back to the lies I
had been so masterful in living.
With a few random months of being free from porn I would then go back
to it. Something in my life seemed to drive me to it. Yes, I was addicted,
but I didn’t know why. I didn’t enjoy looking at those images, but it was
something that filled a spot of my life that was otherwise empty. Looking
back on it know, I know it was my debauched attempt to release
endorphins in my brain to starve depression. After going through the
temple at 19 I was free at last from porn’s evil grasp. I entered the MTC
and for the first time in a long time I had gone months without porn or
masturbation. After talking to my District President I repented of my sins
and was happy on the mission. However, once depression rolled around
I was back to things I ought not to have been involved in.
With struggles throughout the mission, mind you these were only every
few months, I came home and had pretty much obliterated porn out of my
life. For the first time I felt like porn didn’t have a grasp on me except if I
gave it a place.
After coming here to BYU-Idaho I have been successful in treating my
depression and destroying porn from my life. With that being said I am
still scared that when I find a young woman who will love me enough to
want to be sealed to me that she will think that because of my history of
addiction throughout adolescence into adulthood that she will never trust
me to be worthy.
I am worthy, I as a son of God who has had challenges in my life. In
childhood I had my mind destroyed at a mere seven years old. I wasn’t
looking for it. I wasn’t curious about it, I did not want anything to do with
porn. I had one exposure to it and my life was exposed to a horrible
disease that I did not have any immune system against. In my CTR 7
primary class they didn’t talk about computers, internet, or much less
porn. My parents didn’t tell me anything about it. I just didn’t know what
impact it would have on the rest of my life by not turning off the
computer.
Young women, I plead with you to understand that a man can be trusted.
Yes, if your boyfriend or fiancé or husband has had issues with this, do
not think that it will without fail continue in your marriage. Yes, you need
to know how likely it is that it will continue. You must question him and
pray to God for discernment. You could have the best man that you
would ever meet. The man who will sustain you and help raise children
with you for eternity. Men, you are better than what people say you are.
You are not the lusting carnal man that society has portrayed you as. You
are a son of God, and He will make you whole.
I know that it is only through the power of the atonement that those
craters in our brains and the scars in our lives can be filled and sanded
smooth. I know that Jesus Christ is there with open arms to help you
through any circumstances that you may feel. I know that it is only
through the Holy Ghost that you can know of certain that you’re love one
will be honest and faithful forever.
In the name of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, amen.