“My friends say I have an
intimacy problem,
but they don’t really know me.”
~Garry Shandling
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Dimensions of Intimacy
•Intimacy: state of close union, contact, association or acquaintance
•Dimensions of Intimacy
•Physical
•Intellectual
•Emotional
•Shared Activities
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Masculine and Feminine
•Most research does show females are better at
maintaining intimate relationships.
•The gender role one adopts proves to be more
significant in how a person will react.
•Generalizations do not apply to every person.
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Cultural Influence
•The notions of public and private behavior have changed.
•Self-disclosure is high, especially in North American
culture
•Cultural Impact on Intimacy
•Individualistic
•Collectivistic
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Computer-Mediated
•CMC can now enhance the level of emotional closeness.
•Intimacy may develop more frequently online.
•Anonymity and freedom of expression
•Not all online relationships are intimate.
•Some are very impersonal.
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The Limits of Intimacy
•It is impossible to have a close relationship with everyone.
•At times, less intimate relationships can be fulfilling.
•Remember: you can have a successful relationship
without meeting a high level of intimacy.
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Degrees of Self-Disclosure
•Breadth of Information
•Depth of Information
•Depending on the
interaction of the two, a
relationship will be more
or less casual or intimate.
FIGURE 9.2
Page 306
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Degrees of Self-Disclosure
•Clichés
•Virtually the opposite of self-disclosure
•“Hey, how are you doing?”
•Facts
•Not all facts qualify as self-disclosure.
•Disclosing important information suggests a level of trust.
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Degrees of Self-Disclosure
•Opinions
•Opinions usually reveal more about a person than facts.
•Every time you offer your opinion, you’re giving more information
about yourself.
•Feelings
•Feelings are different from opinions.
•Too much personal information can be unappealing.
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Joharri Model
FIGURE 9.3
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FIGURE 9.4
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FIGURE 9.5
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FIGURE 9.6
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Benefits
•Catharsis
•Sometimes we disclose information to get it off our chests.
•Reciprocity
•There is no guarantee that your self-disclosure will be reciprocal.
•If it is, it is not always going to be equal.
•It takes time.
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Benefits
•Self-Clarification
•Talking the problem out with others
•Occurs with hairdressers, bartenders, even good friends
•Self-Validation
•Disclosing information while looking for listener’s agreement
•This is a very important step in the “coming out” process.
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Benefits
•Identity Management
•Revealing personal information to make ourselves more attractive
•A salesperson might say, “. . I’ll be honest with you.”
•Relationship Maintenance and Enhancement
•Social Influence
•Revealing personal information may increase your level of control.
•We offer information about ourselves to learn more about others.
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Risks
•Rejection
•The fear of disapproval is powerful.
•Some real dangers in revealing personal information:
•A: I’m starting to think of you as more than a friend.
•B: I think we should stop seeing one another.
•Negative Impression
•Disclosure can lead to a negative impression.
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Risks
•Relational Satisfaction
decrease
•Loss of Influence
•Confessing a weakness may lead to someone’s using it against you.
•Hurting the Other Person
•What you reveal may hurt the person you’re revealing it to.
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Guidelines for Self-Disclosure
•Do you have a moral obligation to disclose?
•Is the other person important to you?
•Are the amount and type of disclosure appropriate?
•Is the risk reasonable for disclosing?
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Guidelines for Self-Disclosure
•Is the disclosure relevant to the situation at hand?
•Will the effect be constructive?
•Is the disclosure clear and understandable?
•Is the self-disclosure reciprocated?
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Lying
•Silence
•Simply not disclosing
•Sometimes silence can be in the best interest of both parties.
•Lying
•The benevolent lie
•Nonmalicious or even helpful to the person it’s told to
•The average lie rate is three fibs for every ten minutes of conversation.
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Lying
•Reasons for Lying
•To save face
•To avoid tension or conflict
•To guide social interaction
•To expand or reduce relationships
•To gain power
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Equivocating
•When faced with lying, communicators can equivocate.
•Equivocal Communication
leaves room for interpretation:
•“That is so interesting!” good or
bad interesting?
•“I’ll meet you at the apartment,”
could refer to more than one
place.
•“It’s really unusual – one of a
kind,” could refer to different
emotions.
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Hinting
•Hints are more direct than equivocal statements.
•The success of a hint depends on the receiver’s ability to
detect the underlying emotion.
•If the risk of direct communication seems to high, you can
always drop a hint.
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The Ethics of Evasion
•Reasons not to challenge statements that are untrue:
•When we expect others to tell fibs
•When the lie is mutually advantageous
•When a lie helps us avoid embarrassment
•When a lie helps us to avoid confronting an unpleasant truth
•When we have asked the other person to lie
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Chapter Summary
•Intimacy in Relationships
•Self-Disclosure in Relationships
•Alternatives to Self-Disclosure
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