Develop Your
Emotional Intelligence
Chapter 8
Emotional Intelligence
• According to Goleman, IQ
contributes 20% to the factors leading
to success in life
• The other 80% are due to attitudes,
skills and behaviors known as
emotional intelligence
– http://www.danielgoleman.info/blog/
Emotional Intelligence Skills
• Skills included in Emotional
Intelligence (EQ):
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Being able to motivate yourself
Persevering during frustration
Delaying gratification
Controlling emotions and impulses
Empathizing with others
Having a positive attitude
Goleman’s Five Domains of EQ
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Self-awareness
Managing your emotions
Self-motivation
Perceptiveness
Handling relationships
Relationships
• Dependence
• Independence
• Co-Dependence (depending on each other because they feel
they can’t survive on their own)
• Interdependence (two or more independent individuals decide
to come together to achieve a common goal
– Synergy as the energy between two for a common goal (eg, the
musician and the audience)
Win-Win Frame
• Finding a solution that pleases both
Prisoner’s Dilemna
• Jose and Maria are
arrested for armed
robbery at Sedano’s
• They are arrested and
placed in separate jail
cells
• Both care most about
their personal freedom
than about the welfare
of their accomplice
The prosecutor tells each:
• “You may choose to confess or remain silent. If you
confess and your accomplice remains silent, I will drop
all charges against you and use your testimony to insure
that your accomplice does serious time. Likewise, if
your accomplice confesses while you remain silent, he
will go free while you do the time. If you both confess, I
will get two convictions, but I will see to it that you both
get an early parole. If you both remain silent, I’ll have to
settle for token sentences on firearms possession charges.
If you wish to confess, you must leave a note with the
jailer before my return tomorrow morning.”
The “Dilemma”
• Each gains the most if one confesses
and the other does not
• The outcome obtained when both
confess is worse for each than the
outcome they would get if both
remain silent
• If both cooperate, they both end up
winning
• If they compete, both lose
Prisoner’s Dilemma
• Three possible outcomes
– One subject wins by betraying a partner
– Both win by cooperating
– Both lose by competing and betraying
each other
Win-Lose or Lose-Win Outcomes
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The concept of competition…
Sports are based on win-lose
Board games, and card games as well
Our educational system, as well
Does this work, however, with
relationships?
Lose-lose Outcomes
• None of the participants can get what
they want, and neither side is
satisfied with the outcome.
• Failing to resolve a conflict is an
example of lose-lose outcomes (war)
Win-win Outcomes
• Requires courage and consideration
• Only one banana left, with three
people wanting it…win-win, cut the
banana into three equal pieces
• Barriers to win-win
– We are socialized to be competitive
– Anger or resentment
– Requires cooperation of all involved
When not to go for a Win-Win
• Consider giving in to the other person
and accepting a lose-win outcome
when:
– You discover you are in the wrong
– The issue is very important to the other
person and of minimal importance to
you
– Other people need to learn a valuable
lesson by making a mistake
– The long term cost of winning
outweighs the short term gains of such
Compromise
• Consider a compromise when:
– Sufficient time does not exist to forge a
win-win solution
– The issue is not important enough to
spend time in further negotiation
– The other person is definitely not open
to a win-win outcome
Compete for Win-Lose
• Consider competing and going for a
win-lose outcome when…
– The issue is very important to you, the
other person is certain to take advantage
of you if you approach the situation in a
noncompetitive fashion, and you are
really not concerned with establishing a
long term relationship
Consider Win-Win
• Consider cooperation and trying for a
win-win outcome when
– The issue is too vital to settle for a
compromise
– A long term relationship between you
and the other is at stake or in jeopardy
– The other person is willing to cooperate
Conflict Resolution
• When conflict/disagreements exist
between people who do not have
emotional bonds with each other, the
steps to effectively resolve the
situation is through conflict
resolution.
Steps to Handle Conflicts:
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Acknowledge/Identify the Problem
Agree on a Date and a Procedure
Describe Your Problem and Your Needs
Seriously consider the other party’s point
of view
• Explore possible solutions
• Evaluate and negotiate
• Enact the Solution and followup
Anger
• Basic human emotion
• Frustration-aggression hypothesis
• Freud
– Innate aggressive drive
• Catharsis
Violence
• Violence as a form of aggression found in:
– Previous history of violent behavior
– Having been physically abused in childhood
– Having witnessed violence in the home as a
child
– A history of harming animals as a child
– Heavy exposure to violent tv or video games
– Absences of remorse over hurting others
– Family history of mental illness or violence
– Brain damage
Road Rage
• http://www.youtube.com/watch_fulls
creen?video_id=2vwxAVZ6fJ4&l=33
&t=OEgsToPDskIjXFtIlOED44Yx59
ibB1p2&sk=NG5J21MVsUh3jE9wm
n8f1wC&fs=1&title=road rage
Six Situations Likely to
Trigger Road Rage:
1. Hostile gestures from
other drivers
2. Other drivers breaking
traffic laws
3. The presence of a police
car
4. Another driver driving
too slowly
5. Driver discourtesy
6. Traffic jams or
obstructions
Attribution Theory
• Those we feel closest to are usually the
ones we target our anger toward the most
• How you label your emotion your
physiological arousal determines what you
feel
• Emotion is much more than a
physiological event
• If humans are faced with physiological
arousal of unknown origin, they will
search their environment for an appropriate
explanation or label for this arousal.
Schacter & Singer (1962)
• Injected subjects with adrenalin which can cause
powerful arousal reactions. However, they told the
subjects they were getting vitamin shots.
• Next, they presented confederates who supposedly
were given the same vitamin shot.
• The confederates would either react with anger or
with euphoria
• Subjects exposed to the “angry” confederates also
got “angry” those exposed to the “euphorics” also
became “euphoric”
• Those subjects injected with a placebo, however,
did not have any strong emotional reactions
Emotions, therefore
• Are created by your evaluation of
your internal and external
environment
• Hence, we attribute our emotions to
how we perceive the internal and
external cues
Type A
• Type A personality
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Hard driving
Achievement oriented
Compulsive
Overly concerned with time pressure
and easy to anger
– Strong relationship between Type A and
cardiac problems
Type B
• Laid back
• Easygoing
• Less concerned with time
Vesuvius Effect
• When you
explode like a
volcano
Zillman (1989)
• Recommends two strategies to defuse
your anger
– Use cognitive restructuring and
reframing technique to challenge anger
provoking thoughts in order to facilitate
a reevaluation of the original
interpretation that trigged anger in the
first place
– Pursue a cooling off period to defuse
anger and allow yourself to
physiologically cool down.
Learning to Control Your Anger
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Be aware of your anger
Interrupt angry thoughts
Cultivate empathy
Learn to laugh
Practice active relaxation techniques
Improve your listening skills
Take the risk to trust others
Practice the art of forgiving others
Reframing Anger
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Look for Comedy
The “Grand Drama” viewpoint
A chapter in your life
Viewing Criticism as feedback
Develop your own plan to defuse
anger
• Forgive
• Be assertive