THE ACTORS CHALLENGE
AT RISE: Lights come up on two girls, KATE and EMILY. KATE holds the remote control, and EMILY is leafing through a TV
guide of some kind.
KATE
(Very excited)
Check this out!
EMILY
What is that?
KATE:
My new remote control.
EMILY
(Not impressed)
Remote control? Like the thing that turns the TV on and off and selects channels?
KATE
Yes.
EMILY
(Not impressed)
OK. What’s so great about a remote control?
KATE
This isn’t just any remote control. It’s the most powerful remote control in the entire world. Not only will it handle
nine hundred channels, it makes my TV interactive.
EMILY
Interactive?
KATE
Interactive. You know – we get to talk to the people in the television and they react to us. Look in the cable guide.
Anything listed today under the heading “interactive?”
EMILY
Something called “The Actors’ Challenge Explains the Dress code.”
KATE
“The Actors’ Challenge Explains the Dress Code” is definitely cool. A bunch of actors will perform a short play telling
us about the Charger Dress Code in whatever style we tell them. We just punch in the code.
EMILY
Style? (Getting excited) Like really awesome short, short, short skirts worn with a revealing spaghetti strap shirt? Or . .
. or . . . or, a really hunky guy in a sleeveless shirt with hair down to his waist, a mustache, beard, and earrings; but, in
his NOSE?!?!
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KATE
(Staring at her) Are you done? . . . First of all – those are not Student Handbook approved and styles refer to
Shakespeare, melodrama, TV drama, soap opera – get it?!
EMILY
(Disappointed) Yes . . . I guess this is what they call an educational TV thing.
KATE
Live and learn, sweet cheeks, live and learn! Okay, we tell them what style we want by pushing this button on the
remote.
EMILY
Like this? (Pushes button, Buzzer sounds. It is loud and obnoxious)
KATE
Whoa!
EMILY
Does it say that we can tell them to change the style in the middle of the story?
KATE
No. You’re supposed to pick the style and stay with it.
EMILY
“Supposed to” has never stopped us from doing something before.
KATE
I don’t know – changing styles – would be much harder on the actors. (The girls exchange a glance; then)
KATE and EMILY
(Together) Let’s do it!
KATE
What do we begin with? Soap Opera? Talk show?
EMILY
Star Trek!
KATE
No. Shakespeare. Let’s see a little Shakespeare, Number 101 (Pushes button. Buzzer sounds)
SHAKESPEARE
(Elizabethan Style)
(Lights come up on a FAIR MAID. She is gathering flowers.)
FAIR MAID
Hey nonny, nonny nay: Will true love ever come my way? (A young PRINCE RODERICK enters, stops when he sees her.)
PRINCE RODERICK
Forsooth! Do mine eyes not deceive me? Yonder maid’s more fair than heaven’s wonders!
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FAIR MAID
Who art thou, stranger?
PRINCE RODERICK
Be not afraid, oh fairest of the fair. I am Roderick, Prince of York, and keeper of the Champion Student Handbook. I
am smitten by your beauty and that you dress according to the code.
FAIR MAID
I have found true love this day! My dear Roderick, Prince of York and keeper of the Champion Student Handbook,
shall we be wed?
PRINCE RODERICK
It is my fondest wish. . .although, I would like to know you for more than five minutes prior to making such a promise.
FAIR MAID
What good fortune!
PRINCE RODERICK
Nay, fair maid. Fie on bad fortune! I am but a fugitive. My evil brother Bertrand has run afoul of our King
Stelmazewski!
FAIR MAID
Your brother Bertrand?
PRINCE BERTRAND
My brother Bertrand. ‘Tis true. ‘Tis pity, ‘tis true, ‘tis true, ‘tis pity.
FAIR MAID
Truly.
PRINCE RODERICK
I must away!
FAIR MAID
But my love. . .
PRINCE RODERICK
Must you preserve for another day!
(Buzzer sounds. Lights up on KATE and EMILY. As KATE and EMILY discuss what to do next, the performers in the acting
area quietly express surprise and concern at being interrupted. They watch the girls. This is the beginning of a sort of
competition between the girls and the performers in the sketch.)
EMILY
Time for a change?
KATE
They call it a challenge, right? Let’s give them a challenge. Here it is – (pointing to guide) melodrama.
(The performers in the Challenge” cast huddle, presumably discussing what to do next to meet the impending challenge.)
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EMILY
Fair maids in distress? Villains twisting moustaches, and heroes saving the day? Like Dudley Do-right, right?
KATE
Dudley Do-right. You got it. Let’s see if they can continue the story in a new style – melodrama- number 196. (KATE
hits the button and the buzzer sounds. Lights fade out on the girls.)
MELODRAMA
(FAIR MAID dons a sunbonnet and the others in the sketch quickly put on costume pieces in preparation for the scene.
This should take very little time. When they are ready, the SISTERS “enter.” During this scene, except when designated
that they “break character,” the “Challenge” performers use very precise and exaggerated gestures.)
SISTER I
Help us, sister, we’re hungry!
SISTER 2
The locusts have wiped out our crops!
SISTER 3
The squirrels used out garden for a salad bar!
SISTERS 1, 2, 3
Oh, woe!
SISTER 2
What are we going to do?
FAIR MAID
We are going to be strong!
SISTER 3
You should remarry. It’s been a year since your husband, my brother-in-law, Roderick, went out to mail a letter and
never came back!
SISTER 2
Find a new, rich husband and save us from this horrible life.
SISTER 1
Oh no! She’s waiting for her precious Roderick!
SISTER 2
Look! Someone’s coming up the road!
(We hear the clip-clop of horse’s hooves. )
FAIR MAID
Is it him? Is it my dear Roderick? He will save our farm lands for us! (An OLD MAN saunters through the scene like a
specter or voice-over in an old movie.)
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OLD MAN
Land, Katie Scarlet, it’s the only thing – land! (The four girls On-stage break character for a moment as they comment to
one another.)
SISTER 1
Who was that?
SISTER 2
Someone else’s movie.
FAIR MAID
Gone with the – you know.
SISTERS 1, 2, 3 AND FAIR MAID
Wind, yeah.
FAIR MAID
Cue the horse again. (We hear the clip-clop of horse’s hooves.)
SISTER 2
Look! Someone’s coming up the road!
FAIR MAID
Is it him? Is it my dear Roderick? He will save our farm land for us!
SISTER I
Its Roderick’s brother, the handsome but evil Bertrand! (BERTRAND enters, dressed like Snidely Whiplash, mustache
and all. The ladies revert to their characters)
FAIR MAID
Bertrand, is there any word of my beloved, my Roderick?
BERTRAND
Dear, Fair Maid, it grieves me to be the bearer of unhappy news. But I must tell you that your beloved Roderick has
run away and joined the Canadian Mounties. The first day on the job he got eaten by a Brennan Bear.
SISTER 1, 2, 3
Oh, gross!
BERTRAND
Now you are free to marry me, Fair Maid.
SISTER 1
He’s rich! He will save us from this horrible poverty!
FAIR MAID
Marry you, Bertrand? Never!! I love my Roderick!! I am sure he is still alive . . . somewhere. And besides, you are evil
and follow not the code of the upright Charger Handbook: you have a mustache, which you are fond of twirling, and
your hair is entirely too long and oozes your oily character!
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BERTRAND
But remember, I hold the deed to your land! You are five months behind in your payments. Marry me or I will throw
you off your land!
FAIR MAID
Never!
BERTRAND
Curses! (Slinks off)
SISTER 1
How can you be so foolish? Waiting for a dead man to return home!
FAIR MAID
Roderick IS alive and I must hold to the level of dress the code demands: Men shall have NO facial hair – even if it is
twirlable! An honorable man, like my dear Roderick, must have clean collar length hair. And, dear sisters, you must
also maintain yourselves. I have seen your bloomers while you have worked the land. Be modest in your dress!
Besides, I won’t think about marriage with that vile Bertrand today; I’ll think about that tomorrow.
SISTER 1
Why?
FAIR MAID
Because tomorrow is another day!
SISTER 2
Huh?
FAIR MAID
(Out of character) Rent the movie.
(Buzzer sounds. The “Challenge” performers once again move from their positions and gather together to watch what’s
going on between KATE and EMILY. Lights up on KATE and EMILY)
KATE
Time for a change!
EMILY
Something very modern. How about “The X Files?”
KATE
“The X Files?”
EMILY
Yeah. “The X Files.” (EMILY presses the button and the buzzer sounds. Lights out on KATE and EMILY. We see the
“Challenge” performers briefly huddle, and then begin the next scene.)
X FILES
(A suitcase is tossed to FAIR MAID. She begins walking in mime. Eerie music is heard. FAIR MAID looks to her left, and
then to her right.)
Empty. Nothing like I’ve ever seen before—an empty bus station. I will find a way to buy a bus ticket out of this scene
by using my cell phone.
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(She walks away. The eerie music gets louder, there’s a blinding light. There is a scream and a blackout. The music fades
out. We see the beam of a flashlight. A trench-coated figure of a woman enters, exploring the area with her flashlight.)
SKILLY
Mildew?
MILDEW
(From off stage) Over here, Skilly.
SKILLY
In here. Come here. These traces on the floor.
MILDEW
(Entering) That girl is in shock. I’ve let them take her off to the hospital. (Very excited) What have we here?
SKILLY
That residue?
MILDEW
Familiar, isn’t it?
SKILLY
Come on, Mildew.
MILDEW
It fits the pattern. There is no electricity in this place, but no wires have been cut. The concentric circles in the wheat
fields down the road. This was no normal kidnapping, Skilly!
SKILLY
Oh, get off it, Mildew! She was using her cell phone. You know that the agency demands that you are familiar with
your handbook in which it state that cell phones are forbidden in area.
MILDEW
No!! Skilly, the truth is . . . we are not alone! (They shine their flashlights up on their own faces, creating an eerie effect,
and then click them off, both at the same time. The entire stage is in blackness. Buzzer sounds. Lights come up on the
girls.)
KATE
My turn!
EMILY
Go for it!
KATE
Now let’s try something with adventure. Like “True Lies” or “Clear and Present danger.”
EMILY
Spy movies, 137
KATE
That’s it! Spy movies! (KATE presses the button and buzzer sounds. Lights go out on the girls.)
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SPY MOVIE/ACTION ADVENTURE MOVIE
(The “Challenge” performers “da-dum”sing adventure background music. They enter with fedoras and trench coats. Both
AGENT 1 and AGENT 2 are very nervous; however, FAIR MAID is very cool and calm)
AGENT 1
The odds against us coming out of this alive are enormous!
FAIR MAID
Danger is my middle name. You knew that when you signed on.
AGENT 2
We’re surrounded by aliens not wearing the correct clothing according to the code. I see girls in low cut blouses and
dresses. Oh, the inhumanity! Their shorts and skirts are not fingertip length. I see . . . I see . . . I see. . .
FAIR MAID
(Slaps AGENT I; but, then realizes it was AGENT 2 who was babbling) Get a hold of yourself! What do you see?
AGENT 2
Underwear and nose piercings!!!
AGENT 1
We’ll never get out of here alive!! The male aliens have on sleeveless shirts and tattoos!!! What planet has invaded
our Charger land?!
FAIR MAID
Trust me. We’ll free the hostage and be home in time for dinner. This one’s very important to us.
AGENT 2
This hostage? He’s worth dying for?
FAIR MAID
He is my husband, Roderick, the keeper of the Champion Student Handbook! (KATE presses the button and the buzzer
sounds. FAIR MAID, AGENTS 1 AND 2 freeze. In the darkness we hear KATE yelling.)
KATE
Now, “Star Trek!”
STAR TREK
(The three performers very quickly toss their fedoras away. Others On-stage toss phasers to FAIR MAID, AGENT 1 and an
electronic gadget-looking piece to AGENT 2)
FAIR MAID
Set your phasers to stun!
AGENT I
But Captain, can we trust the Klingons?
AGENT 2
Highly illogical, Captain.
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RODERICK
(From off stage) Don’t shoot!
FAIR MAID
Hold your fire!
AGENT 1
Your plan worked, Captain!
RODERICK
(From off stage) Fair Maid!
FAIR MAID
Roderick! There. . What? He’s disappeared!
AGENT 2
According to my force field analyzer scope, it seems that they have dematerialized him into another dimension by
using the forbidden cell phones. (Buzzer sounds. Performers freeze. From the darkness we hear EMILY call out.)
EMILY
Let’s try one more kind of show. Daytime talk show. (Buzzer sounds)
TABLOID TV TALK SHOW
(One of the “Challenge” performers immediately takes on the role of announcer. He or she mimes holding a hand mike.)
ANNOUNCER
Next on the FOX network – “Reunited Couples who were kidnapped by Aliens Meet One Another For the First Time” .
. . on the talk show everyone loves – “The Fiona Thompson Show.” And now, ladies and gentlemen, welcome Fiona
Thompson! (FIONA crosses to downstage Center. Again, the hand mike is mimed.)
FIONA
Good afternoon, everyone. I’m Fiona and today we will reunite two long lost loves . . . (FAIR MAID enters right.
RODERICK from left meeting Center Stage and exchange an elaborate “air kiss.”)
FAIR MAID
Roderick!
RODERICK
Fair Maid!
FIONA
A happy Ending to a long story? Fair Maid, what would you like to tell Roderick after all of this time?
FAIR MAID
Well . . . please do not ever leave me again. This has been really weird today. I love you and to keep me you must
remember the code: No facial hair, earrings, long hair or sleeveless shirts.
FIONA
How very touching. And you, Roderick - - what words do you have for your Fair Maid.
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RODERICK
I am sorry I left; but I did have to protect King Stelmazewski! I love you as well and I honorably request that you
maintain the code: No low cut blouses, dresses or tops! Your skirts and shorts must be fingertip in length – no one is
to see your bum! And, your face is beautiful as it is – it does not need to be adorned with a nose ring!
FIONA
In all of my years on TV, I don’t believe I have ever witnesses such a heartfelt reunion. Anything else, you two love
birds?
FAIR MAID and RODERICK
(Smiling at each other, then to the front)
No Cell Phones!!!
(Buzzer sounds. Performers freeze. Lights come up on KATE and EMILY – but this time, before KATE or EMILY can say
anything, we hear :)
BERTRAND
Got it! (During the preceding scene, the actor who plays BERTRAND sneaked over to where EMILY and KATE were
watching the scene. He has just snatched the remote control from EMILY.)
KATE
Hey! (By this point, BERTRAND has run back to the acting area and has joined his fellow actors. Approving of his actions
they may comments such as :)
ACTORS
(Ad-libbing :) Good. Great. Wonderful. It’s about time. (Etc.)
EMILY
What’s going on here?
BERTRAND
Interactive is a two-way street, ladies. Say bye-bye! (BERTRAND clicks the remote control. Buzzer sounds.)
ACTORS
Gotcha! (Lights out on KATE and EMILY. The ACTORS all applaud and the lights fade to black.)
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