Rules-II
Marriage and Family Interaction
HPERF258
Dr. Gilbert & Wei-min Wang
Explicit (also called Overt or
Known)
Visible, stated clearly
10% of all family rules
Have been discovered and/or talked about
More formalized
The forms of rules we tend to list when
first asked to identify rules
Usually stand unless specifically changed
Implicit (also called Covert or
Unknown)
Tied to more abstract thinking
90% of all family rules
Hidden from view
Being hidden makes them powerful
Accepted as “how things are” – basic
structure of the family belief system
Also makes them more open to
misinterpretation because it is often
assumed that family members understand
and go by rules
Examples of Rules
Hurting each other
Children using alcohol and other drugs
Adults using alcohol and other drugs
Telling lies
Sex
Dating
Breaking promises
Smoking cigarettes
Privacy
Respect
Beliefs and opinions
Rules & Expectations
What are some important stated rules in
your family?
What are some important but unstated
rules in your family?
What are some key expectations your
family has on you?
If you don’t follow these rules or meet the
expectations, what might happen?
Other Examples of Rules
Emotion expression
Anger
Affection
Family Secret
Rule sequencing
A connected series of rules
Example:
Dad has a bad day at the office
Dad comes home and criticizes Mom
Mom takes the anger out on a child
The child kicks the dog
Cycles
Vicious cycles
Starting point of cycle may not be
apparent
Feedback loops make the cycles hard
to change and seem to “have a life of
their own”
Although there may be variations, the
cycles will be repeated over and over
Example
Mom complains the
he shouldn’t waste
his time on
visiting her
Son goes home
to visit mom
Son is angry
and goes back
To his dorm
Mom calls complaining
that he doesn’t
visit her more often
Punctuating rule sequences
In order to change behavior in the
family, you have to “punctuate the
problem” and artificially stop the
behavior sequence
Orders of Change
First order change – changing
behavior
Largely focuses on explicit rules
Second order change – changing the
beliefs, values, etc. that underlie the
behaviors
First order change is largely
ineffective
Managing Rules
Look for underlying, deeper rules
(changing superficial rules will result
only in first order change)
Think in terms of changing the
underlying beliefs, values, etc.
Look at rule sequences instead of
individual rules
Small group discussion
Reading #45 addresses “Managing a
Blended Family.” In your small group,
discuss how blending family rules
complicates this process. How might
this be made less difficult?
Final Thoughts on Lecture
Material
In your small group, develop a list of
at least five points about the role of
rules in families.