Developing and Enriching
Intimate Relationships
Obstacles to Love
 Low Self-Esteem
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If I can’t love me then how can I trust another
who says that they love me. (Cycle)
 Extensive Giving and Addiction
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Better stated as “giving up your individuality”
Society focuses on obsessive and violent love
Love
 “Liking with great emotional intensity
 Falling in Love
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Heightened physical arousal
Increased emotionality
Frequent thoughts of the loved one
 Love Grows or Fall in Love
Romantic Attachment:
Individual Differences
 Attachment Styles
 Secure 54% (comfortable with intimacy & interdependence)
 Avoidant 25% (dislike dependency and closeness)
 Anxious/Ambivalent 19% (clingy & possessive, seeking
assurance from partner)
 Bartholomew’s Four Categories of Attachment Style
 Secure
 Preoccupied (I want complete intimacy but I feel that others
are reluctant to get as close to me)
 Fearful (I am uncomfortable getting close to others. I want to
get close but I find it difficult to trust or depend on them)
 Dismissing (I am comfortable without close emotional
relationships but prefers not to depend on others)
Outcomes of Attachment Styles
 Secure- report greatest enjoyment, intimacy ,
and positive emotions, higher levels of
disclosure & relational problem solving
 Anxious/Ambivalent- more changeable
emotionally
 Avoidant- lower levels of positive emotions
and appear to structure social activities in a
way that minimizes closeness
 (Tidwell et al. 1996)
 Secure and Insecure show comparable
overall degrees of security
Three General Theories of Love
 Evolutionary Psychological Theory of Love
 Primitive Emotional Bonding to Promote Race
 Buss (1988) Love Acts
 Social Structural and Social Learning Theory
 Love is Learned from Observation and
Socialization
 Self Expansion Theory
 Premise: We seek to grow and expand self through
the incorporation of people, experiences, and
possessions into one’s conception of self
 Idea is to become united with universe not self
aggrandize.
Theories of Love II
 Consider the Following Using the 3 General
Theories
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Passionate Love
Companionate Love
Prototypical Approach

Considers the most representative features of
love
 Caring, friendship, honesty, trust, and respect
 Sex, passion, novelty
Love Schema
 Mental model consisting of expectations and
attitudes about love.
 Six Love Schemas
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Secure- closeness and independence
Clingy- high level of closeness
Skittish- uneasy with closeness
Fickle- never satisfied with present relationship
Casual- enjoys relationships without committing
Uninterested- not interested in any relationship
History of Love
 Four Dimensions of Attitudes about Love
 Cultural Value: Is love a desirable state?
 Sexuality: Should love be sexual or unsexual?
 Sexual Orientation: Should love involve homosexual or
heterosexual partners?
 Marital Status: Should we love our spouses or is love
reserved for others?
 Historical Views of Love
 Love is madness
 Love has little to do with marriage
 Love need not involve sexual contact
 Love is a noble quest
 Love is doomed
 Love can be happy and fulfilling
 Love and marriage go together.
Types of Love
 Robert Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love
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Intimacy- feelings of warmth, support and sharing
Passion- physical arousal and desire
Commitment- decision to devote oneself to a relationship
Intimacy
Passion
Commitment
Nonlove
Low
Low
Low
Liking
High
Low
Low
Infatuation
Low
High
Low
Empty
Low
Low
High
Romantic
High
High
Low
Companionate
High
Low
High
Fatuous
Low
High
High
Consummate
High
High
High
Romantic, Passionate Love
 “I love you, but I’m not in love with you”
 According to Berscheid, Passion is Rooted in:
 1) physiological arousal
 2) the belief that another person is the cause of the
arousal
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Misattributions (excitation transfer)
 Laughter
 Fear
 Exercise
Romantic, Passionate Love
 Thoughts
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The more you love the more you will think
about them (reverse)
Romance blinds to undesirable traits
Thoughts about ourselves change when we
are in love
Romantic lovers state that they would do
anything for their partner and that they would
be miserable without them.
Love and Age
 People married for five years were less
romantic than high school seniors
 People who had been married for 20 years or
more were the most romantic of all.
 Link between romance and age is a wide and
shallow mouthed U.
Companionate Love
 Two major types of love that occur in
American marriages
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Love full of passion that leads people to marry
Love that’s full of friendship that underlies
marriages that last.
Styles of Loving
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Eros- Erotic lover focuses on physical appearance
Ludus- Playful in love and likes to play the field
Storge- Slow developing attachments with commitment
Mania- Demanding and possessive, has a feeling of
being out of control
 Agape- Altruistic, loving without concern for receiving
anything in return
 Pragma- searches for a person with proper vital statistics
 Men higher on ludus whereas women are more storgic
and pragmatic
Ingredients of Love: Needs from Love
 Carlton Paine’s Ingredients of Love
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Trust (honesty and dependability)
Affection (fondness for each other)
Respect (admiration and regard)
 Fulfillment of Love Needs
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Important to Match in Beginning
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Communicate needs openly
Observe your partner with others
Be willing to make changes in self
Don’t assume the person will change in marriage
Love Behaviors
 “She loves me because she will do anything I want”
 “If you love me you would know what I want”
 Autonomy/Independence
 Closeness
 Forgiveness
 Honesty
 Respect
 Others?
Love and Sex
 More similarity than differences between sexes
 Women tend to experience stronger emotions
than men do; on average, women’s emotions
are more intense and more volatile.
 Studies rarely find differences in romantic love
between the sexes.
 More men believe in love at first sight and that
if you just love someone enough nothing else
matters.
 Women are more cautious about love, more
selective and passion develops more slowly
Does Love Last
 Prototypical North American Marriage
 Romantic love with pledge of entire life
 Romantic love decreases after people marry
 Why doesn’t it last?
 Fantasy- love is blind
 Novelty- excitement
 Arousal- fades or habituates
 INTIMACY IS MORE STABLE THAN PASSION
 COMPANIONATE LOVE IS MORE STABLE THAN
ROMANTIC LOVE
Intimacy
 Intimacy- “emotional closeness”: to really know
another
 Key Elements (Sternberg, 1987)
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Promote each others welfare
Experience happiness together
Holding each other in high regard
Counting on each other in times of need
Mutual understanding
Sharing of self and possessions
Receiving emotional support
Giving emotional support
Communicating intimately
Valuing each other
Intimacy Development
 Eliminate Blockers
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Withdrawal or isolating the self (work, etc)
Personal Rigidity (no compromise)
Overt Self Righteousness (need to be right)
Lack of Trustworthiness
 “We can only be intimate to the degree that
we are willing to be open and vulnerable
(Ornish, 1998)
Intimacy Development
 Enhancers
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Androgynous Personalities
Expression of Genuine Emotions
Empathic and Nurturing Behaviors
Paying Attention to Others
Mutually Enjoyable Activities
Communication (especially deep selfdisclosure)
Commitment
Enriching a Relationship
 Compliment not Criticize (5:1 ratio)
 Be curious
 Be honest (no secrets)
 Plan together
 Be spontaneous
 Develop traditions
 Talk about individual and shared interests
Enriching a Relationship
 Spend Time Together
 Be Appreciative
 Five Positives to Every One Criticism
 Communicate (honesty & curiosity)
 Demonstrate Affection
 Be Spontaneous
 Develop Rituals