Things to remember and 18
Detractors from Mature Academic
Voice
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Critical mass refers to the volume of words
necessary to adequately articulate your
ideas, responses, analysis, and so forth.
No matter how well you write, you must
produce a critical mass of words for the AP
test, in order to achieve a passing score.
Go beyond the 2 sentence analysis, explore
causes, questions, applications in
commentary
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“The author is trying to say….” NO!! The author has
already said it. You are trying to comment on the
effectiveness of the author’s technique.
“I think,” “I believe”…avoid, because, simply put, no
one cares. Your task is to analyze the piece before
you and identify its techniques and effect on the
reader. Whether or not you deem The Crucible as a
great work of literature, is irrelevant to your task.
Change your perception as a college level writer:
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Using the above referenced phrases is not directly
related to your VOICE as a writer. This begins to evolve
when you are dialoguing about the example in your
head
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Show – this is an extremely plain word that
does very little for your writing.
Choose, instead, a more interesting verb.
Reveals, typifies, highlights, demonstrates
(not great, but better than show.)
I will be giving you a list of power verbs and
effective tone words in the coming weeks.
Refer to it often.
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I can’t believe I need to say this, but please,
please, please remember that A LOT is two
words!
Allot is a completely different word.
Alot is not a word. It’s an “eye bump.”
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I &YOU – take both words out. I now own
these words. Please remove it from your
writing unless writing about personal exp.
You will earn these words back when,
through your writing, you demonstrate a
clear idea of voice and controlling tone, as
well as a dominant assertion thread.
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Use of first person. Avoid “I think,” “I
believe,” “To me this means…”
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Use of second person “you.” Avoid the use
of the second person.
No: “when you die…”
Instead use: “When humans die…”
No: “The slant rhyme makes you notice…”
Instead use: “The slant rhyme makes the
reader notice.”
No: You should ask yourself
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Colloquial speech and immature, excessively
informal vocabulary. Examples: “Your average
Joe,” “Joe College,” “Back in the olden days,”
“Nowadays,” “A bunch of…a ton of…” (Does the
writer mean “a significant number of…”?); “I would
have to say…” (Not really); “That would have to
be…” (Again, not really) ”That’s good thinking
right there!”
No! She talks about
The author discusses, explores, describes
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Use of psychobabble: “Pap destroyed
Huck’s self-esteem.” “The peer pressure on
Hester Prynne,” “Gatsby was depressed by…”
“Huck and Jim’s life-style on the raft…”
“Virginia Woolf, herself a depressed person,
writes a rather bi-polar essay.”
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Avoid absolutes: “always” “never” “everybody”
“I’ll bet 99.9% of the people…”
There are exceptions to every stereotype,
which is one reason why stereotypes can be so
offensive.
When you write and speak using absolutes, you
come off as a “know it all” (arrogance) or as
someone who is actually less knowledgeable
about the topic.
Absolutes are a sign of immaturity in writing
and speaking.
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Excesses of tone: hysterical, breathless,
indignant, self-righteous, cute, breezy,
etc. Example: “If a homeless man even talks
he gets arrested.”
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Cheerleading, a special kind of excess of
tone when the student lavishes praise on an
author or her work. Examples: “The
greatest poet…” “Does a magnificent job
of…” “so awesome,” “obviously a genius,”
“…will affect me for the rest of my life.”
(Note: this observation is not intended to
squelch true passion or heart-felt response
to literature.)
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Silly, weak, childish examples: students’
lack of discernment with regard to quality
examples or evidence; using cartoons,
Disney movies, etc. as legitimate evidence.
Overuse of commonly used examples and
generalizations (i.e. President Obama is a
level one thinker..), Martin Luther King
Generalizations: Our leaders today
Announcing & Preacherism
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You need to demonstrate your knowledge,
not announce it like a broadcaster
In the following I will explain…
This essay will demonstrate…
Don’t preach to your reader: Being happy
will make you productive in life
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Rhetorical questions, especially those with
an indignant response, such as: “Do we
Americans have to put up with this? I think
not!”
Thesis Vs. Statement
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Flannery O’Connor illustrates the theme of
selfishness through the intense portrayal of
the grandmother in “A Good Man is Hard to
Find,” demonstrating the consequences of
betrayal.
Flannery O’Connor writes about Selfishness
and betrayal in “A Good Man is Hard to Find.”
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Clichés, all of them. They’re as old as the
hills.
Quotations & Citing
If you use more than 3 words in a row from the text, you must have
quotation marks around them
Bradstreet reveals her inner turmoil stating, “and chide my heart” (10)
demonstrating…..
 The tendency to come to terms with difficult experiences is referred to
as a "purification process" whereby "threatening or painful
dissonances are warded off to preserve intact a clear and articulated
image of oneself and one’s place in the world" (Sennett 11).
 If you are writing on one author, and you quote from a different place,
you only need to put the page number Jacobs has argued this point
(190-210).
 At the end of your paper cite your book using MLA format:
 Jans, Nick. The Last Light Breaking: Life among Alaska's Inupiat
Eskimos. Anchorage: Alaska Northwest Books, 1993. Print.
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Exclamation points, especially lots of
them!!!!!!
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Most adverbs, such as basically, obviously,
surely, certainly, very, really, incredibly,
totally, etc. should be used sparingly!
For true writers interested in improving
their writing in this area, explore to Stephen
King’s memoir: On Writing.
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Writing about the author or the speaker
or narrator as though they are the
same. Weak: Dickinson greets death as a
courtly suitor. Stronger: Dickinson’s
speaker greets Death as a courtly suitor.
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Misspelling the author’s name!
If you know the author’s name, spell it
correctly.
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Referring to authors by their first
names. Please use “Whitman and
Dickinson,” never “Walt and Emily.”
You are not personal friends with Mark
Twain, Ralph Ellison, or Arthur Miller.
And even if you were, it’s not appropriate
for AP Writing.
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Writing about an author’s life rather
than his or her work or specific purpose
in a text. Weak: “Whitman and Dickinson
write about death differently due to their
different life
experiences.” Better: “Dickinson’s purpose
in using this image is…” or “Whitman’s
imagery suggests…”
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Using technical vocabulary
incorrectly. Examples: “Green uses
emotional syntax.” “She uses dictional
phrases like…” “His short fragments are all
connected by commas and collaborated into
a few run-on sentences.”
Summarizing Vs. Storytelling
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The essay reveals Vs. It is about how
The poem portrays Vs. when Bradstreet
wrote
Give Context to your examples
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Introduce examples (Einstein, explain who
he is, don’t have the reader guess) Einstein,
a German professor and friend of the
speaker, introduces….
Do not: Another example is….
Embed the quote in your context: Further
demonstrating her guilt, Bradstreet
remorsefully bids adieu to all her
possessions as she views them “in ashes lie”
(14).
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Gobbledygook, usually some kind of combination
of the characteristics listed above. It imitates
pretentious writing but says little. Examples: “The
author brilliantly uses a hyphen in order to emphasize
and reinforce motivation and justice that God provides
and installs in each and every man.” “Meger (sic)
imagery provided by the author commences to place a
precedence (sic) of their style, a conventional rhetoric
that gives the passage somewhat of a quixotic tone.”
The author uses imagery to help us imagine or to
make us feel better – No! The author is using this
device to convey a particular message it is your job to
figure this out
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Regurgitating the prompt (aka empty
openings).
Lack of planning.
Generalizations instead of analysis.
Summary instead of analysis – this is big for
me and for the scorers.
Actually, ANYTHING instead of analysis.
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Formulaic writing: aka a writer on autopilot
instead of a “mind at work,” “ a writer
engaged with the text.”
General carelessness: not differentiating
between a poet and a speaker, between a
character and a person, between an
audience (for a play) and a reader (for text);
not spelling words right that are in the
prompt, or not getting character names
right.
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Over-simplifying what is complex.
Filling the paper with quoted material
instead of analysis (commentary).
Failing to develop ideas.
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Adapted by J. Murphy, PLHS
Compiled and adapted by H. Leigh
Francisco, SRHS
Original compiled source unknown.
Current version for compilation taken from
V. Stevenson PHHS and
http://www.millcreekhighschool.org/users
/318MyDocs/18%20Detractors%20from%
20Mature%20Academic%20Voice.doc