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THRIVING WITH
YOUR TEEN
Recommendations made from the latest research on how parents and
youth can thrive throughout the teen years.
Mike Coyne – Minnesota Institute of Public Health
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Teens will live up to our expectations
Positive or Negative...
WHAT WE USED TO BELIEVE
ABOUT ADOLESCENCE

The teen years are full of
conflict and rebellious behavior

Peers are more influential than
parents

Parents need to crack down or
give up in order to survive
WHAT WE KNOW NOW

Problem behavior, family conflict,
and psychological problems are
no more common in adolescence
than in any other time

Parents who have strong
connections with their teens
really do have influence on their
teens, peer pressure is overrated

Parenting style matters –
Positive Parenting works best
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POSITIVE
PARENTING
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You Make the Difference!
RESEARCH SAYS
 Teens do best when they have a solid relationship with their parents.
The Journal of the American Medical Association states:
“…parent connectedness is the single
healthiest force in the lives of U.S.
teenagers.”
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Positive Parents...
NURTURE by being supportive,
warm and encouraging
Nurture
Discipline
DISCIPLINE by teaching how to
behave, set and enforce limits,
and monitor behavior
Respect
RESPECT by encouraging teens
to develop their own opinions and
beliefs, model civility and allow
privacy
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Positive Parenting is Ideal
POSITIVE PARENTING
is warm, supportive and encouraging
while being firm, consistent and clear
with limits and boundaries.
“I’m important in my teen’s
life. We have some good times
and some bad times, but I’m
there for the long run.”
 HIGH Nurturance
 HIGH Expectations
 HIGH Respect
PERMISSIVE PARENTING
is inconsistent enforcement of rules, or
no rules at all and a need to be a pal,
more than a parent.
“I really want to enjoy parenting
my teen. It’s important for them
to fit in and have what they want,
and not have too many rules. We
get along better that way.”
 HIGH Nurturance
 LOW Expectations
 MODERATE Respect
DOMINATING PARENTING
is harsh, punitive and rigid.
 LOW Nurturance
 HIGH Expectations
 LOW Respect
“I need to really clamp down
now that he’s a teen..
If you give him an inch,
he’ll take a mile”
UNENGAGED PARENTING
is inconsistent presence in a
child’s life - teens raise
themselves.
 LOW Nurturance
 LOW Expectations
 LOW Respect
“It’s time to let go now that
my child’s grown up. It’s
time to get my needs met. He
can take care of himself.”
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Positive Parents
Provide LIMITS, Give clear RULES & BOUNDARIES while
ENCOURAGING INDEPENDENCE...
RESEARCH SAYS:
Teens raised by POSITIVE parents:

Do better in school

Have lower rates of
depression and stress

Are less likely to engage
in risky behavior

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Have better social skills
Are more respectful
Deal better with conflict
Positive parenting has been shown to be the most effective parenting style.
This is true across different cultural, racial and economic groups.
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Discussion:
WHY DON’T MORE
PARENTS USE A POSITIVE
STYLE OF PARENTING?
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Teens Need Rules
FIRM RULES
Some rules are firm and not to be changed whether your teen
agrees with them or not. These rules are understood by both
parents and teens. Use firm rules when:
 Physical or Emotional Health and Safety is at stake
 The Family’s Values are at stake
FLEXIBLE RULES
Some rules are open for discussion and can be negotiated, waived
or changed, if there is a good reason. Use flexible rules when:
 It’s not a health and safety issue
 The issue does not affect or compromise family’s values
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“Because I say so!”
…What’s wrong with saying that?
EXPLAIN WHY
When parents arbitrarily lay down the law - without explaining why
or listening to their teen’s point of view, they will get nagging and
whining or worse, lying and doing things behind your back.
THE KEY
Keep your rules & expectations clear
Involving your teen in the process of setting rules is a great way to help
her learn acceptable behavior and make decisions when you’re not there.
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“Will rules make my teen rebel?”
HAVING RULES
Most teens appreciate having rules even when they protest your
rules and authority
THE KEY
Have rules that make sense
Rules are one way to let your teen know you care. Many teens admit
that when their parents are ‘strict’, it’s “for their own good.”
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MONITOR
&
REDUCE RISKS
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Think Lifelong Health
The teen years are some of the healthiest years of human life.
THE CHALLENGES COME FROM
RISKY BEHAVIORS SUCH AS:
 Violence (physical fighting, use of
 Tobacco Use
weapons or dating violence)
 Drinking Alcohol
 Unintentional accidents (car or
 Drug Abuse
motorcycle crashes, sports injuries,
 Sexual Activity
or bicycle accidents)
 Poor Nutrition
When parents and other adults help teens avoid these risks,
they are setting the stage for lifelong health.
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Monitor and Stay Involved
Know WHO, WHAT, WHERE and WHEN
RESEARCH SAYS:
Teens feel more secure and are
involved in less risky behaviors
when one or both of their parents
are present in the home at least one
of these times. When your teen...
 gets up in the morning
 comes home from school
 evening meal time (with TV off!)
 when she/he goes to bed
TIPS:
Be involved with your teen:

Know WHO they hang out with

Know WHAT they’re doing

Know WHERE they are

Know WHEN they’ll be home
Know HOW they’re doing - Use your time together to LISTEN
and Share the Learnings of the Day.
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Reduce the Risk
of Substance Abuse, Violence & Sexual Activity
TIPS:

Deliver clear “No Use” messages about drugs,
alcohol, tobacco and engaging in violent or sexual
activity

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Speak with your teens EARLY and OFTEN about
the consequences of risky behaviors
Put cable locks on your firearms and remove
access to drugs, alcohol and tobacco
If your teen dates – encourage GROUP dating
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Blue Fish!!!
PLAN AHEAD

Give your teens permission to use you as an excuse when
they’re in over their head

Have a plan for how teens can bail out of unsafe situationsTalk with and act out scenarios with your teen IN ADVANCE
Have a Family Code Word, like “Blue Fish”
– it means –
“Get me out of this situation NOW!”
No questions asked!
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Do peers have more influence
than I do with my teen?
No, YOU are the major influence in your teen’s beliefs and behaviors
throughout the teen years & young adulthood, provided you have a
strong connection with your teen.


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Your teen will not choose a peer
group randomly and not all peer
groups are bad
Your teen will tend to choose
friends who have values similar
to their family
There tends to be some experimentation with peer group choice,
this is a normal process of ‘trying
on’ different identities


Peers are a big influence on
clothing, activities, & style – the
focus is on “fitting in”
Parents are a major influence on
the values and life decisions
teens make
THE KEY
Get to know your teen’s
friends and their parents
Friends are very important to teens.
Parents need to balance family time and their teen’s time with friends.
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Give your teen hope for the future
RESEARCH SAYS:
 School connectedness is associated with better emotional
health, higher academic aspirations and performance, as
well as less risk taking behaviors.
TIPS:
 Be clear early on that attending school is important - this
is a firm non-negotiable rule. It is more important than
employment, sports or other extra curricular activities.
 Keep in touch with school – attend parent-teacher
conferences, know your teen’s class schedules, pay
attention to their grades.
 Make homework part of the family routine. Create time,
space, and the expectation that homework is completed.
 If you have concerns, contact your teen’s teachers and
school counselor.
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Discussion:
What are some ways to
monitor teens and respect
their need to practice
independence?
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PARENT WITH
RESPECT
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Teach Respect by Being Respectful…
Allow teens freedom of thought and expression
RESEARCH SAYS
 Teens do better when parents are clear
about rules and monitor behavior.
BUT...
 Teens are negatively affected when
parents try to control their beliefs or don’t
allow them to express their feelings
Teens need to question and debate rules. This is how they discover
who they are and what they believe. It’s a necessary process of
growing up and helps them become independent thinkers.
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RESPECT is a Balancing Act between…
Maintaining High Expectations for your Teen’s Behavior &
Honoring their Need to Express their Own Thoughts and Feelings
RESEARCH SAYS:
Teens have higher self esteem and
confidence when:
 They are allowed to discover who
they are and form their unique
identity
 They are able to understand and
express their emotions appropriately
“It’s not my place to control how you think or feel, but I am responsible for
keeping you safe and expecting you to behave appropriately.”
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“Why Does She Always
Question My Authority?”
DON’T TAKE IT PERSONALLY
 It is common for teens to question rules and values.
 One lesson they learn by questioning you is to stand up for
themselves in a safe place - at home. This teaches them the
skills to stand up for themselves outside the home and to say
no to things they don’t like.
THE KEY
Take care of yourself – physically and mentally – and seek
support when needed.
75 - 80% of teens generally enjoy a healthy parent-teen relationship.
Teen years are hardest on the parents
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Crossing Paths...
NORMAL TEEN DEVELOPMENT TAKES IT’S TOLL
ON PARENTS AS THEY ADJUST TO:
 Physical and Sexuality Maturity,
 A growing circle of peers or romantic relationships,
 Distancing themselves emotionally,
 De-idolizing parents and seeing them as having faults,
 Questioning parents values,
 Wanting more of the family resources, and
 Establishing their own identity and life goals.
POTENTIAL EFFECTS FOR PARENTS:
 Marital conflict and dissatisfaction
 Lower self esteem
 Depression and anxiety
 Less satisfaction with work, family and life then when
their children were younger
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Parents, Stay the Course….
RESEARCH SAYS:
The teen years are a time when BOTH parents and teens are
renegotiating their relationship and creating a new future
together. It’s a journey toward:
 The teen’s independence & freedom from parental control
 An ongoing connection between parent and teen
TIPS FOR PARENTS AND TEENS:


Your Teen’s task is to become their own person
WHILE maintaining and redefining connections with
you and others, in order to move toward adulthood.
Teen’s report that they don’t want to become DISTANT
from their parents, but for their relationship to become
DIFFERENT, honoring and accommodating their new
capabilities and responsibilities.
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Discussion:
What are some ways your
relationship with your
teen/child has changed as
they’ve grown?
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When in Conflict Remember….

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
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
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Don’t engage in “power struggles” that are about how to think, and
who is right.
Focus on the important issues of health and safety.
Model the language and tone of voice you expect from your teen.
Stay calm and remember you are in charge - You are the adult
Avoid conflicts when you are pressed for time - often issues can
be dealt with later and this gives you time to be creative in finding
a win-win approach.
Be realistic about how your teen acts - they simply don’t have the
skills and experience you have in dealing with disagreements.
Find ways to say “YES” as well as “no”. Look for common ground
where you and your teen agree,
Don’t forget your sense of humor - it’s your best tool for putting
issues in perspective.
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A Model for Solving Problems Together
When preparing to discuss an issue with your teen, think of
the words I CARE, I SEE, I FEEL, LISTEN, I WANT and I
WILL… it will help you organize your thoughts and get to
some healthy resolution.
 I CARE — express warmth and love
 I SEE — state the facts
 I FEEL — share your feelings
 LISTEN — what are your thoughts?
 I WANT — state a plan of action
 I WILL — say what you’ll do to help out
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“What if my teen won’t talk to me?”
Becoming more private and keeping thoughts
and feelings to themselves is common in
adolescence, especially for boys.
 Find regular times to be together just you and your teen
 Don’t interrupt - Listen.
 Be available by stating, “You can always
talk to me when you’re ready.”
OPEN THE CONVERSATION BY
ASKING:
 Tell me about…
 What do you think…
 How would you do that…
 Feel like talking…?
THE KEY
Be available when they want to talk - and learn to listen
Teens really want to be heard, but parental opinions
and advice can get in the way.
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Never Give UP!
They need you now, more than ever

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Take inventory of your own attitude - Ask yourself:
“What can I do differently to support my teen?”
Sometimes teens just need a little tenderness...
Sometimes you can’t be the answer - Find a healthy
adult friend who can help be the liaison between you
and your teen
No matter how hard it is - focus on what’s working and
as much as possible - see the strengths
Seek out helpful and proven community resources
It’s OK to ask for help…the earlier, the better…. Nobody can do this
on their own…..The best way to help your teen is to help yourself!
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FOR MORE INFORMATION…
Visit our web site:
www.shouldertoshoulderminnesota.org
Contact information:
Mike Coyne: mcoyne@miph.org
763-746-3377
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Resources
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L. Steinberg and A. Levine. “You and Your Adolescent”. New York: Harper
Perennial. 1997.
The Konopka Institute for Best Practices in Adolescent Health, University of
Minnesota, Mpls, MN. Growing Absolutely Fantastic Youth, A Guide to Best
Practices in Healthy Youth Development, Spring, 2000.
Resnick, M.D., Bearman, P.S., Bauman, K.E., Harris, K.M., Jones, J., Tabor, J.,
Beuhring, T., Sieving, R.E., Shew, M., Ireland, M., Bearinger, L.H., & Udry, J.R.
(1997). Protecting adolescents from harm: Findings from the National
Longitudinal Study on Adolescent Health. JAMA, 278 (10), 823-32.
Simpson, A. Rae (2001). “Raising Teens: A Synthesis of Research and a
Foundation for Action”. Boston: Center for Health Communication, Harvard
School of Public Health.
Suburban Ramsey Family Collaborative, Roseville, MN. Investing In Youth:
Research Based Recommendations for Parents, Schools and Communities in
Suburban Ramsey County, 2000
University of Minnesota Extension Service, University of Minnesota, “The
Growing Season: A Parent’s Guide to Positive Parenting of Teens” (Video and
Parent Handbook), 2000.
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Recommended Books to Read
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You and Your Adolescent: A Parent’s Guide for Ages 10
to 20, Laurence Steinberg, Ph.D. and Ann Levine,
HarperPerennial, New York, 1997.
The Growing Season: A Parent's Guide to Positive
Parenting of Teens (video and Parent handbook),
University of Minnesota Extension Service,
University of Minnesota, 2000. To order call (800)
876-8636.
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Why Do They Act That Way? A Survival Guide to the
Adolescent Brain for You and Your Teen, David Walsh,
Ph. D., Free Press, New York, 2004
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No, Why Kids of All Ages Need to Hear It and Ways
Parents Can Say It, David Walsh, Ph. D., Free Press,
New York, 2007
Crossing Paths: How Your Child’s Adolescence Triggers
Your Own Crisis, Laurence Steinberg and Wendy
Steinberg, New York, Simon and Schuster, 1994.
It's Perfectly Normal - A Book About Changing Bodies,
Growing Up, Sex, and Sexual Health, Robie H. Harris,
Cambridge, MA, Candlewick Press, 1994.
The Roller Coaster Years: Raising Your Child Through
the Maddening, Yet Magical Middle School Years,
Charlene C. Giannetti and Margaret Sagarese
New York, Broadway Books, 1997.
Parenting 911: How to Safeguard and Rescue Your 10
to 15 Year Old, Charlene C. Giannetti and Margaret
Sagarese, New York, Broadway books, 1999.
Thriving With Your Teen, Initiative for Violence Free
Families and Communities in Ramsey County, 2001.
To order call (800) 876-8636.