Love and the Pursuit of
Happiness
Will marriage make me happier?
Joel Stein (Time)
“Eternal love, the
creation of a new
family, the approval of
society – whatever!
What I really wanted
to know when I
proposed to Cassandra
was:”
“Scientists around the
globe are asking the
same question.”
“Marriage guarantees
you nothing. All you
really get is higher
count bed sheets.”
Does improve your
chances.
Married people report greater happiness.
Men (very happy)
Married
40%
Never married 20%
Divorced
15%
Women (very happy)
Married
40%
Never married 22%
Divorced
15%
Marital status and SWB
Significant predictor of
subjective well being.
Make for more:
Positive interactions
Emotional expressiveness
Role sharing
For success, trust and
intimacy important.
Happiness scores after marriage
Richard Lucas: 15 year study
of 24,000 couples.
Happiness on scale 1-10.
Pre-marriage average 7.28
Wedding day
7.56
2 years later
7.28
Stability of SWB
Why are married people happier?
Most likely happier people to begin with.
Agrees with other SWB research.
Same trend is true for health.
Marriage has benefits for physical health.
Increase longevity.
Men gain more benefit from marriage.
Why are married people healthier?
Healthier before getting married.
Married folks less likely to smoke.
More moderate drinkers.
Suffer fewer health problems.
Have less severe psychological distress.
Commitment must be present for benefits.
Not just cohabitation.
Marriage doesn’t guarantee happiness
Problems with marriage
can affect your happiness
and your health.
Understand the nature of
relationships and how
they evolve.
Varieties of LOVE.
Sternberg’s Triangle of Love
Intimacy
Passion
Love has three
components
Commitment
Components of Love
Intimacy: feeling a closeness, can share
anything with other person.
Passion: intense sexual desire, physical
attractiveness.
Commitment: desire for long term
continuation of relationship.
Identifying components can help get closer
to romantic fulfillment.
Liking (Intimacy alone)
Romantic
Love (i+p)
Companionate
Love (i+c)
Consummate
Love (i+p+c)
Infatuation
(Passion alone)
Empty Love
Fatuous Love (p+c)
(commitment
alone)
Starting relationships
Liking: feel bond towards each
other, enjoy being together, not
much passion.
Infatuation: physical attraction
with not much in communication.
May be confused with love until
relationship ends.
Viva Las Vegas
Fatuous Love: physical
attractiveness and
commitment without
intimacy.
Impulsive marriages
caught up in the passion of
making commitment.
Las Vegas Love
Difficult to sustain
Long term relationships
Companionate Love:
starts with liking, has
passion in early years,
still intimate (sharing
feelings and ideas).
Romantic Love:
intimacy and passion,
unsure of future, need
constant reassurance,
no commitment.
Staying together for the kids
Empty Love: only sense of commitment.
Stay together – more like roommates than
lovers.
Better than divorce for children as long as
parents still get along.
If open warfare, divorce better option.
Consummate Love
All three forces are in balance.
Intimacy, passion and
commitment.
Balance may shift and then
return to center.
OR evolve into another form.
Ex: passion ebbs 
Companionate Love.
What to look for in relationships.
Selection is important.
Matching up characteristics.
eHarmony.
Compatibility matching.
29 Dimensions
Core traits (stable)
Vital attributes (likely to
change due to experience)
http://www.eharmony.com/
Major work needed.
Fixer uppers not a great idea.
Work hard to fix one part of relationship
and then another part falls apart.
“I love you, you’re perfect, now change.”
Better to look for qualities that make a good
match from the beginning.
What qualities are important?
Healthy personality
Best predictor of success.
Varies from person to person.
Confidence, integrity, loyalty.
Warmth, kindness, emotional stability.
Intelligence, good sense of humor.
Self esteem
Maslow: Love more basic than self esteem.
Others: Need to love yourself in order to fully
love others.
No one completely free of worries and little
personality quirks.
Low self esteem and high self involvement
difficult to overcome.
John Gottman
Gottman Institute
http://www.gottman.com
Interpersonal communication
Intimacy
Non-verbal communication.
Signs of good relationships
Small gestures to stay
connected.
Turn towards each other
Bids for attention
“Stop, look and listen.”
Partner more important
than TV.
Dealing with conflicts
Negative reciprocity.
Start with harsh set-up.
“I can’t believe you . . .”
Likely response will also
be negative.
“Well, how about when
you. . .”
Hostile couples.
1) Criticism and complaining by one (sand
bagging  multiple issues)
2) Partner responds with contempt.
3) Leads to defensiveness.
4) Ends in withdrawal.
Very destructive to relationships.
Marriage enrichment
seminars
Seven principles of making marriage work.
1) Seek help early.
2) Edit yourself. Think before you speak.
3) Soften your "start up."
4) Accept influence from partner.
Gottman (cont.)
5) Have high standards.
6) Learn to repair and exit the argument.
7) Focus on the bright side.
http://www.gottman.com/marriage/self_help/