Chapter 7
Making a Love
Connection
Styles of Love
and Attachment
Distinguishing Loving from Liking
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Loving and liking are related but
qualitatively different.
Liking is based on affection and respect.
Loving is based on attachment, caring,
and interdependence.
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Some research adds passion (fascinated by
the loved one, feeling the relationships is
unique and exclusive, and sexual desire)
Is liking necessary for loving?
Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love
Passion
Commitment
Intimacy
Intimacy:
The “Warm” Component
Foundation of the triangle
 Feelings of emotional connection and
closeness
 Moderately stable
 Somewhat controllable
 Latent intimacy (internal feelings of
closeness) vs. manifest intimacy (how
you comm. affection/closeness)
 Latent plateaus and manifest decreases
over time.
 Why?
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Passion:
The “Hot” Component
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Based on motivation and arousal
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Uncontrollable as this kind of
love is referred to as infatuation
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Can friends feel passionate towards each
other? Or parents towards their children?
Your book says yes, but its important to note
romantic relationships are characterized by
sexual arousal.
Falling in and out of love quickly
Can be difficult to sustain as its unstable
Commitment:
The “Cool” Component
Based on cognitive choice-referring to the
decision to love someone and maintain
committed
 Relatively stable (builds gradually, then
stabilizes)
 Commitment is related to
trust, loyalty, and faithfulness,
which have been found to be central to
views of what love is
Commitment also predicts rel. stability (to
some degree)
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Different Triangles,
Different Types of Love (Relationships?)
8 Types of love identified by Sternberg:
 Nonlove = none
 Liking = intimacy only
 Infatuation= passion only
 Empty love= commitment only
 Romantic love= passion + intimacy
 Friendship love= intimacy + commitment
 Fatuous love = passion + commitment
 Consummate love= all three components
Love Triangles (Box 7.1,corrected)
Passion
Nonlove
Passion
Commitment
Intimacy
LIKING
Commitment
Passion
Intimacy
INFATUATION
Commitment
Intimacy
EMPTY LOVE
Love Triangles
Passion
Commitment
Commitment
Passion
Intimacy
Intimacy
ROMANTIC LOVE
Passion
FRIENDSHIP LOVE
Commitment
Passion
Commitment
Intimacy
Intimacy
FATUOUS LOVE
CONSUMATE LOVE
Unrequited Love
Sometimes the feelings of friendship,
caring, or passion the characterize loving
and likely are not reciprocated.
 Involves a would-be-lover (wants to
intensify rel.) and a rejector (does not)
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Would-be-lover face’s a dilemma
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May or may not stem from a relationship
1.) keep quiet about feelings 2.) try to win
their love. Ex, Friend Zone on MTV
Rejectors report experiencing more
negative emotions than would-be lovers.
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Emotions such as??
Unrequited Love, cont.
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The communication script is more defined for wouldbe-lovers than rejectors. (You Belong to Me)
 Try to be “polite” but this can be a problem; may
eventually feel victimized.
 Mis-communication potential
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I’m not interested in dating anyone right now but I want
to stay friends.
I like you, but I’m really busy right now.
I’m interested in someone else.**
 Most inappropriate for rom. partner to use
It wouldn’t work because I’m just not right for you.**
 Most inappropriate for acquaintances to use.
 Any personal examples?
Lee’s Love “Styles” (Assess yourself: pp. 158159)
Assess yourself: pp. 158-159
Lee’s Love “Styles” (Assess yourself: pp. 158159)
The Primary Styles
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Eros: Romantic or passionate love
Storge: Companionate love
Ludus: Game-Playing Love
The Secondary Styles
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Mania: Possessive Love (eros + ludus)
Pragma: Practical Love (storge + ludus)
Agape: Unselfish Love (storge + eros)
Types of Love as They Blend
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Lee’s Love styles
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Individual predispositions, stage in life, stage of
relationship—sex and culture influences
Eros
Mania
Ludus
Storge
Pragma
Eros
Agape
What are sex differences?
Box 7.3 is informative.
Marston and Hecht’s Love Ways
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Physiological and behavioral responses to love in
their interviews could be grouped into seven
categories representing the experiences of 90%
of lovers.
1. Collaborative love: love is seen as a partnership
involving mutual support, negotiation, increases
energy, intensifies emotion.
2. Active love: based on activity and doing things
together. Feelings of increased strength and selfconfidence.
3. Intuitive love: love is a feeling communicated
through nonverbals and feelings such as butterflies,
and feeling warm all over.
Marston and Hecht’s Love Ways cont’d.
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4.) Committed love: based on commitment and
feelings of commitment, spending time together
and discussion of future.
5.) Secure love: based on security and intimacy.
Feelings of safety and warmth, communicated
through self-disclosure.
6.) Expressive love: shown through overt behavior.
Doing things for partner and saying “I love you”
often.
7.) Traditional romantic love: loves involves
togetherness and commitment. When people are in
love, they feel beautiful and happy.
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Do you believe this represents 90% of lovers experiences?
Attachment Theory: Key Ideas
Beginning in infancy and continuing
throughout the lifespan, humans have an
innate need to form attachments with
others.
 The interaction children have with
caregivers leads to the development of
internal working models (IWM) of self
and others.
 Attachment styles are relatively coherent
patterns of emotion and social behavior that
are exhibited in close relationships.
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Attachment Styles, cont.
 Model of self: the degree to which a child
develops an internalized sense of selfworth that is not dependent on external
validation
 Model of others: the degree to which a
child expects others to be supportive and
accepting (rather than rejecting)
Model of self and others therefore ranges
from positive to negative.
Attachment Styles in Childhood
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Secure: “goodness of fit” in terms of
stimulation, responsive to basic needs,
consistently caring
 Avoidant: over- or under-stimulated,
sometimes neglected (show little emotion
when separated or returned to caregiver)
 Anxious-Ambivalent: inconsistent
response patterns, parent is preoccupied or
stressed (anxious when separated but
ambivalent when caregiver returns)
Children’s Attachment Styles after 2
years:
Secure: around 70% of children
(positive models of self and others)
 Avoidant: around 20% of children
(negative models of others)
 Anxious-Ambivalent: around 10% of
children (negative models of self)
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Adult Attachment Styles
Positive Model of Others
Positive
Model
Of Self
Secure
Preoccupied
(I’m okay,
(I’m not okay,
you’re okay)
you’re okay)
Dismissive
Fearful
(I’m okay,
(I’m not okay,
you’re not okay)
you’re not okay)
Negative Model of Others
Negative
Model
of Self
SECURE: The Prosocial Style
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Self-sufficient and comfortable with intimacy
Compromise and problem-solving during
conflict
Highest level of maintenance behavior
Tend to be pleasant, self-disclosive, and
skilled communicators
Reinforcement Effect: Because secures are
confident and expressive, people react to
them positively, reinforcing positive models of
self and others
PREOCCUPIED: The Emotional Style
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Overly involved and dependent
Want excessive intimacy and worry that
partners do not care enough for them
Demanding, nagging conflict behavior
Express negative emotion with aggression or
passive aggression
Overly disclosive and overly sensitive
Reinforcement Effect: By clinging to their
partners and escalating intimacy quickly, they
push partners away, thereby reinforcing that
they are unworthy of love
FEARFUL: The Hesitant Style
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Fearful of intimacy (they have been hurt in
the past and/or fear rejection)
Communication is often passive, guarded,
and anxious
Trouble expressing emotions and selfdisclosing
Relatively low levels of maintenance and
nonverbal pleasantness
Reinforcement Effect: By avoiding taking
risks, they keep themselves from developing
the kind of close, positive relationship that
will help them feel better about themselves
and others
DISMISSIVE: The Detached Style
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Counterdependent (self-sufficient to the point of
pushing others away)
Relationships seen as nonessential; personal
goals are a higher priority
Relatively low levels of relational maintenance,
disclosure, and emotional expression
Withdrawing conflict style with more
interruptions
Reinforcement Effect: By learning to get along
on their own, they reinforce the idea that they
do not need other people to be happy
Satisfaction, Stability, and Change
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Explanation for Relationship Satisfaction
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Explanations for Stability
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General communication skills and emotional
communication skills
Interactions with caregivers have an especially
strong effect on a person’s social development.
The Reinforcement Effect for each style
Explanations for Change
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Significant life/relationship events
The partner’s attachment style
Variability across relationship types
More central to personality for some people