Emma Critique:
Introduction:
Positive-Impressed: The overview of the picture was very nicely articulated and the
information leading up the statement of the thesis was relevant and not chaotic,
which is perfect for an introduction.
Negative-Shortchanged: I felt like you could have perhaps included some of the
things that you were going to talk about in your other paragraphs just as a way to
prep the reader for the main ideas so that they wouldn’t become lost.
Conclusion:
Positive-Satisfied: I really liked the way that you tied the introduction and
conclusion together through the narrative of you recreating the image. The
examination of the picture through your drawing was very effective and well put.
Negative-Curious: Something that would have been interesting to include, and I’m
not sure if you did this in the rest of your paper, would have been an analysis of
what further significance the emphasis on the birds has in the illustration. What
point is Audubon trying to make by so clearly emphasizing the birds?
Hopes: Some things that I hope you address in your paper are the ways in which the
artist emphasizes the birds through the styling and the color.
Pitfalls: Something to avoid would be superficial analysis of the birds and not really
talking about the roles that the birds play in the painting.
Dan Critique:
Dan Ross- Hoeksema Critique
Positive:
As you move through your introduction you consistently mention the birds in each
sentence. Ordinarily this could lead to a loss of the readers attention, as the reader
thinks he is reading the same thing over and over; however, in this instance I would
say it actually comes across as a positive because it creates a strong emphasis on the
point the main point that you are developing that the main focus of the drawing is
“undoubtedly the birds”
Negative:
For the point you are making, that the main focus of the drawing is “undoubtedly the
birds”, I think you could do this in a shorter and more concise manner than you do
in this introduction. The three sentences:
The detail of the drawing is incredible, especially in respect to the birds. Every line, color
and angle of the birds in the picture represents something new and important in both the
aesthetic and scientific interpretations of the drawing. Even though there are many other
parts of this work of art besides the birds, each points out a different aspect or detail of
the birds.
could easily be developed into one concise sentence that would really keep the
reader engaged and serve as quick transition to really strike the reader with your
thesis. Something along the lines of this:
The detail of the drawing is incredible; every line, color, and angle in the illustration
focuses on the birds and represents a significant aspect of both the aesthetic and
scientific interpretation of these creatures.
What to watch out for:
In this essay I really hope you are sure to link every point you make back to the
birds, because it seems like a very limiting topic. When I looked at this illustration I
saw a lot more going on than just the birds, so I would think it’s difficult to say the
focus is “undoubtedly the birds”. In a way it’s good to have a limited argument
because you can create a clear and concise argument, which is what I would hope to
see, but it requires careful consideration to stick to your thesis and not allow
yourself to drift off spending too much time discussing why other aspects matter
when really you want the main focus to be the birds. If the birds are going to be the
main focus, be sure to stick to the birds and demonstrate the same confidence in the
body of your essay as you did when you claimed the focus of the illustration is
undoubtedly the birds; otherwise, broaden your thesis and you should find you have
a little more lead way to discuss the significance of the other aspects of the piece,
rather than just connecting everything back to the birds.
Conclusion:
Positive: The last line of your conclusion does a really nice job of reinforcing your
thesis, and giving the exact reasons I imagine you outlined in the body of your essay
for why you believe the main focus of the illustration is the birds.
Negative: I feel a little lost with the line:
In noticing all of these different elements of the illustration as I drew, I had focused the
most on what they tried to emphasize.
Both with the reference to “these elements” and also the “what they tried to emphasize” I
think it would be better to specifically say what you mean as opposed to using these
vague references.
EMAIL Comments:
Hey!
So here are some of my comments:
I agree with Dan's critique in my introduction. I definitely tend to write in run on
sentences and I plan on revising the particular sentence that talks about the dead
nature of the specimens. Also Mike's feedback about my thesis is very helpful, I'll
work on it until it's more concise and understandable.
With regards to the conclusion, I will attempt to cut it down and make it more
understandable and connected to the rest of the essay. I will also clarify what I
meant when I said that Audubon's desire to study the specimens resulted in their
death. Basically I meant that since Audubon used dead and stuffed animals in order
to draw them accurately, his need for them resulted in the deaths of more animals
for his samples. I also plan to make sure that my thesis matches up with each
component of my paper so that I don't lose focus.
Thanks guys!
Emma Hickman
Hi Guys,
Thanks for the feedback.
In terms of my introduction I will be sure to work on the last sentence, as both of
you pointed out that it could use some work. I think I will take Emma's advice and
try to clarify the reasons for why I believe the painting is lacking accuracy, and
Mikey's as well to clean up the structure of the sentence.
In terms of the conclusion there seems to be a sense of dissatisfaction between the
two of you. I think by incorporating a little more specificity as Emma noted, I may be
able to add that twist that Mikey is looking for as well. I will pay particular attention
to the last sentence of the conclusion when I go through and edit the piece.
As a whole I will go back through the piece sentence by sentence and make sure all
the analysis is relevant and on topic. I will make sure I have enough detail to make
clear concise points.
Thanks,
Dan