Managing Conflict
Effectively: Inner and
Outer Approaches
Brett Penfil, MFT, MPH
Center for the Health Professions
Paul Axelrod, PhD
Learning and Organization
Development
University of California,
San Francisco
Introduction and Outcomes
• Introductions
• Outcomes
– Learn to frame conflict so that it appears more
manageable and even desirable
– Awareness of different conflict management styles
– Practice new approaches to conflict management
– Set one goal to develop conflict management skills
2
Agenda
• An intrapersonal approach to conflict
management
– Constructive framing
– Self-management
• An interpersonal approach to conflict
management
– Conflict management styles
– Developing a collaborative approach
3
PART 1: INTRAPERSONAL
APPROACH
4
What Does Conflict Mean to You?
• Turn to page 2 of your handouts.
• Look at the word in the middle of the page.
• Without thinking, write all the words that come
to your mind when you see that word.
5
How Is Conflict Like a Volcano?
6
Conflict Is Normal and Can Be Healthy
• Conflict is not inherently problematic
• Conflict can be constructive or destructive
• The challenge is how we manage ourselves
• We are not responsible for conflict
• We are responsible for how we respond to a
conflict
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Destructive Conflict
Reduces
productivity
Diverts
energy
Destroys
morale
Polarizes
groups
Deepens
differences
Spawns
additional
conflict
Acting-out
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Constructive Conflict
Taps creativity
Generates new
solutions
Increases
involvement
Releases pentup energy
Builds
cohesiveness
Helps
individuals grow
9
How We Frame Conflict Affects How
We Respond to Conflict
• How we frame conflict comes from:
– Our experience with conflict
– Our beliefs about conflict
– Our genetic makeup
– Our general personality type
10
How We Respond: The Good, Bad and
Ugly
• Ugly:
– 10% is conditioned by your history
– Life is not fair
• Bad:
– About 70% of how we cope with perceived threats is set by
our natural threshold for threat appraisal
– Some people are “born to run”: lower threshold for threat
appraisal
• Good
– 20% is affected by choices , including attitudes and
approaches
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We Can Shift Our Way of Being with
Conflict
New
Knowledge
New
Awareness
Regular
Practice
Support
12
We Get in Our Own Way
• We perceive conflict in a comment, event,
behavior or circumstance
• Through our internal filters we see things in
terms of a duality: good/bad, like/dislike,
right/wrong, mine/yours
• This ignites a negative feeling tone
• Then feelings of confusion, ambiguity, fear,
anxiety, insult, stress or intimidation:
reinforcing the negative response
13
Responding to a Perceived Threat
The untrained mind easily categorizes the
behavior of others as a threat.
This is your brain when
Thisthreatened
is your brain
14
Think Like a Lizard (NOT)
Reactive
Decision
Emotional
reaction
Thought
process
Categorize
something as a
threat (usually
unaware)
15
Responding to Threats
• Great for protecting us from physical threats
• Flying under the radar of consciousness
• Gets in the way when the threats are thoughts
in our head
16
Reflection on Framing Conflict
• On your own on page 4 of your handouts:
– Think of a time when you engaged in a conflict in a
positive frame of mind. Note:
• What factors contributed to this framing?
– Think of a time when you engaged in a conflict in a
negative frame of mind. Note:
• What factors contributed to this framing?
• With a partner:
– Discuss the elements of the conflict that made it
positive or negative (rather than on the details of the
situations).
17
Big Group Discussion
• What themes did you notice in the
conversation with your partner?
18
Practicing Awareness of Thoughts and
Emotions
• Get out of your mind: you are not your thoughts
• Focus on the physical: feel your feet and breathe
from your belly
• Let your emotions be: acknowledge them without
getting swept up in them
• Invite your demons to tea
• Become more aware when you have thoughts
that lead to feeling threatened, as they happen
(or soon after)
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Try This
• Notice when you start to feel conflict as a threat
– Practice awareness of what that feels like – and also what
it feels like to relax the sense of being threatened
• Be careful about making assumptions about the
intentions of others
– Maybe they not really out to get you. Maybe they’re just
like you—a mix of motives
• Try to accept your similarity with the other person
– This will not weaken your position or let them off the hook,
but it will make you feel better.
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Awareness Practice
21
Also Try These
• Get enough restorative sleep
–
–
–
–
Avoid caffeine in the afternoon
Exposure to high-intensity light
Regular exercise
Sleep cool
• Protection against stress
– Omega-3
– Folic Acid
– Chosen exercise
22
Moving Forward: Some Thoughts and
Tips
• Moral indignation contributes to the problem: try to avoid
categorizing people as jerks
• Aggressive behavior is a problem to you, but to the
aggressor it’s actually an attempt at a solution: your
response should not just address your needs alone
• What is the positive intent behind the other position?
How will you find out?
• When asking is not an option, discern the good intent—
focus on their core truth, not judging the person or getting
caught up in their words
23
Balancing Head and Heart
“The key to effectively managing conflict is balance.
Balance your emotions with reason. Remain balanced
when attacked. Balance your desire to win with the need
to bring all along. Balance confronting with knowing when
to let it pass.”
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PART 2: INTERPERSONAL
APPROACH
25
Arm Wrestling Activity
• Find a partner
• Get into arm wrestling position
• You will have 30 seconds to arm wrestle
• You get a dollar every time the other person’s
hand touches the table, and vice versa
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Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Model
Assertive
Unassertive
Uncooperative
Cooperative
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Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Model
Assertive
Unassertive
Useful for:
• Issues of low importance
• Reducing tensions
• Buying time
• Low power
Avoiding
Uncooperative
Cooperative
28
Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Model
Assertive
Competing
Useful for:
• Quick action
• Unpopular decisions
• Vital issues
• Protection
Unassertive
Uncooperative
Cooperative
29
Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Model
Assertive
Useful for:
• Creating good will
• Keeping the peace
• Retreating
• Low importance
Accommodating
Unassertive
Uncooperative
Cooperative
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Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Model
Assertive
Compromising
Useful for:
• Moderate importance
• Time constraints
• Temporary solutions
• Equal power & strong
commitment
Unassertive
Uncooperative
Cooperative
31
Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Model
Assertive
Unassertive
Collaborating
Useful for:
• Integrating solutions
• Learning
• Merging perspectives
• Gaining commitment
• Improving relationships
Uncooperative
Cooperative
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Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Model
Assertive
Competing
Collaborating
Compromising
Unassertive
Avoiding
Uncooperative
Accommodating
Cooperative
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Getting to COLLABORATE
C
O
N
T
R
O
L
COMPETE
COLLABORATE
AVOID
ACCOMMODATE
SUPPORT
34
Your Conflict Style
• With a partner, discuss these questions:
– Which approach(es) do you tend to use? What makes
these more comfortable for you?
– Which approach(es) do you not use? What makes
these less comfortable for you?
– How might you identify situations when another
approach might be helpful?
Page 5 of your handouts.
35
Conflict Role Play
With a partner:
• Read your part.
• Improvise the conflict conversation based on
your character.
With your table:
• What went well in your role plays?
• What did not go so well?
36
Big Group Role Play Debrief
• What helps conflict be constructive?
37
Your Conflict Situation
• Think about a conflict that you are currently
facing or have dealt with recently.
• Take a few notes about this conflict on page 6
of your handouts.
• We will be asking you to reflect on this
situation.
38
Managing Conflict When You Need to
Collaborate
Build
Common
Ground
Agree on a
Course of
Action
Acknowledge
and Address
Emotions
Understand
Problem and
Identify
Solutions
39
40
Acknowledge
and Address
Emotions
41
Understand
Problem and
Identify
Solutions
42
Agree on a
Course of
Action
43
Applying the Steps to Your Conflict
• Consider the same situation you wrote about
earlier.
• On page 7 of your handouts, consider these
questions:
– What is the common ground?
– What are your feelings?
– What do you think the other person is feeling?
– What is the real problem?
– What are possible solutions?
– What is your proposed course of action?
44
Essential Ingredients to Development
Clear Goal
Support
Specific
action
steps
Integration
Regular
practice
Reflection
Developing Your Coaching Skills:
Example of a Goal
• Goal: Empathy
• Action: Once/day I will reflect to myself about
what I think someone else may be feeling
• Duration: One month
• Evaluation: Each week, I will reflect on the
impact of this practice on me
• Support: I will email my reflection to my friend
each day for accountability
Your Conflict Goal
On page 8 of your handouts, write your own
goal.
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