Essays for Feedback / Revision
#1
In seventh grade it was was second year of football and we were playing
perkiomen valley. We had a hard fought game. We were beating them , and it was the
end of the game . So we just stop trying.They had a couple good runs , but we still
though the game was over. When we thought the game was all over with a couple
seconds on the clock left, they score on us and win with a game winning touchdown
with no time left.. Everyone was mad at themselves,teammates , and coaches. Nobody
wanted to listen to coach but we had to calm down for a couple of minutes, so our
coaches could talk. Our coaches talked about underestimating opponents but I learned
that never give up on a task even if it looks like a smooth ride. After coach talked ,
everyone went back to being mad.
It was also very sad for me, because I really wanted to win that game. It made
me think that it was everyone elses fault and not mine. When I was blaming everyone
else, I was also very angry at them to. I was picking out other’s people’s mistakes, and
not paying attention my mistakes, so I can become better at football. Everybody was
mad at each other, and it was just a full out argument with the whole team on the bus
ride home. Then coach told us to be quiet the rest of ride back to the school. This gave
me time to think about what I did wrong, and how i can fix it or be better at it.
This has made me really think about what i'm about to say or do.This has helped a lot,
and it really changed me. It made me a better person by staying out of situations. Also I
learned to never give up, even if the rest of the situation is easy . So whenever I do
something ,even if it seems easy I will try not to procrastinate. I also learned not to
blame others , for things that make you mad. Because everyone makes mistakes . I
also learned from perkiomen valley that when it seems tough just try and persevere . I
have done this in many situations of my life.
This story relates to my future, because it helps me to stop repeating mistakes I
have made in the past . I could use these mistakes to help other people , and teach
them how these mistakes helped me out, to become better person, and help
them from repeating the same mistakes I made as a kid. In the future I will be more
informed about how to deal with these types of problems. If this type of failure happened
again, and I fail to get over to not blame other people, get angry at people and at myself
. I’m not using the lessons I have learned. I have also learned how to persevere, so in
the future I will try not to give up . In I will try my hardest to keep these learned lessons
with me in the future.
I have learned that you need to persevere , to be able to not pick out other people's
flaws, and think before doing or saying my action . The college admissions officer I hope
you are entertained by my story and I hope you understand my learned lessons from
these problems . I hope I appear to you as a very good person .
#2
I challenged a belief when I came back from my broken leg early and kept
pushing towards playing sports again. When I broke my leg the doctors told me it would
be a long time until I could get back to top speed. You could never understand how
much this bothered me. To go from running the fields and courts to being broken
mentally and physically with a broken leg is a crushing blow. But I could not take that
long wait lightly. I couldn't sit around all day every day and dream about getting back out
there. I had to get up and take it. This showed the resilience in me. I couldn't take no for
an answer. I was constantly pushing to get back to my sports regardless of what anyone
said. The only person I had supporting me was my father. My determination and drive to
get back in the game helped me keep going. It gets hard physically because you limited
no matter how hard you train because it takes a lot of time to feel confident walking
again let alone running. Mentally not being able to do everything you were just doing
hurts. You have to be mentally strong. Going back I would do it over and over again the
same way. There is two things I learned by breaking my leg. Nothing is guaranteed and
nothing can ever keep you down. There is always a way to get back in it. As long as you
have drive, resilience, and passion for something you can come back. So i would do it
again if i had the chance. You learn a lesson and get stronger. I defied everything that
the doctor told me. I was walking weeks before i was suppose to and running way
before i was suppose too. I had to get back for baseball season. This shows strong
traits in myself to keep striving for success and to get back to the game and keep
working hard. This all comes back to me being a self motivated string person with a
strong work ethic. If I bring this hard work to everything I do I will succeed with
everything I partake in. I believe that in the future when I go to apply for schools or for a
job interview they will see how strong minded and hard working I can really be. Also I
believe they will see a leadership role for the school or business that has promise. A
school look at this and say this kid is a hardworking student that will do whatever it
takes to reach his goals. No matter what someone tells you and how much they make it
sound believable because they may not always be right. Follow your heart and do baht
you think is right.don't ever let anything hold you back from your dreams and always
have some resilience drive passion and love for what you want to do. Is I didn't have all
of these qualities I would not be where I am today. Faster stronger smarter and much
more wise.
#3
I don’t often screw up, so when I do screw up I am affected by it more than most.
When most people screw up on a test they go “oh well” and move on. When I fail a test I
become depressed and am often down for the count for a few days, In fact as I am
writing this I am thinking about the project that I have thats due tomorrow and there is
physically nothing I can do to fix it. When I realized there was no way I was going to
finish it I kind of freaked out, (When I say freak out I mean took a bunch of glass bottles
behind my house and smashed them with a baseball bat Office Space style.) after that I
went inside and sat in my room and slept for a few hours to hide from my problems. I
guess what I'm saying is that I don't like failure that much and hate just accepting my
fate. But I think the worst thing is that the project I have to do is due tomorrow and I had
plenty of time to work on it and I didn't, I put it off because I thought it would be easy
and it wasn't . And while I don't feel like the project is necessary or teaches me anything
I realized that that doesn't matter much, I should have done it anyway regardless of
weather it taught me anything or not, because it was an assigned project that I said I
was going to do and I didn't do it. I let my teacher down by not doing it, I let my mom
down by not passing it and I let myself down by acting like I could just do it, without a
hitch.
Since I’ve been talking about it so much I might as well say it, and you might
understand my predicament more. About a week into school our teacher assigned a
project called “The Leaf Project”. In this project your goal is to Identify 50 different types
of leaves by collecting said 50 leaves and identifying them in a notebook with assorted
information like scientific name, common name, where you found it, ETC. And I thought
it would be easy, like spend a few hours in the woods, come out with 50 leaves, Identify,
done. so I put it off with a “I’ll do it next weekend” or a “The weathers absolutely horrid
today” And then August turned to September and September turned to October, And
with the due date fast approaching I went out to collect leaves and came back with
about 17 leaves. At this point I was panicking because there was no way for me to
secure a ride to a park or someplace where there are tons of leaves, and I panicked. I
cried, I screamed, I was angry, at the teacher for assigning the project, at the trees for
being so repetitive, but most of all I was angry at myself for allowing it to come to this,
for someone like me being proud and refusing to ask for help, for acting like it was all
good when it was not, for being so infuriatingly lazy as to say, “I’ll do it all in one day, it
will be easy”.
And as I sit here in front of my computer, typing my essay, thinking about my brown
paper bag with about 20 leaves in it out of 50, I’ve realized something else; It doesn't
matter much. I can still do make up work in science and Do well on my test, and turn in
all my homework and still pass the year and move on to next year and continue
unhitched from a grade standpoint. But it’s not the grades that matter. I realized this
when I thought about this in a real world situation I would have been fired for my
incompetence, for my lack of effort for my inability to perform in a work environment.
while in school its relatively easy to recover, because school provides a safety net, but
in reality I would have been out on the spot. And as I finish up this essay I was originally
was only doing this for points but after reading it and rereading it I Think I will show this
to my science teacher as well. Not for the points I’m already past that point, But I will
show him this essay to show that while I have failed this project, It has helped me
improve as a person and To say, “I’m sorry for being such a disappointment.”
#4
An accomplishment that made me become who I am today was when I received
honors for the first time in seventh grade. When I was in sixth grade, we were finally
eligible to receive honors at my school, Blessed Teresa of Calcutta. I was very excited
and I was determined to try my best. Towards the end of the year, with my teacher’s
help, I did not accomplish what I wanted to. I realized I failed and just wanted to give up.
The next year in seventh grade, I tried my hardest to receive honors. I did not get it the
first trimester. Finally, in the second trimester, I had gotten second honors. I was so
happy and went right to my sixth grade teacher to tell her the good news. She was very
proud of me and I was proud of myself. From then on, I kept receiving second honors.
This was one of my most important accomplishments in my life that kept me going.
This story moves me to be the person I am today because I always keep trying to do
my best in all of my classes. I never give up no matter what happens and just keep
trying. Last year, I received honors in the second, third, and fourth quarters which made
me very happy. Now that I am doing well in school, my friends always ask me for help
because they say I’m smart. When they say that, it makes me feel good about myself
and moves me into wanting to do better. I am a better and smarter person than I was
before and I’m going to keep improving as much as I can. I realize that I have lots of
sport activities and my time is limited, but even with all of the pressure, I somehow
manage to move forward and get things done.
This story relates to my future because when I grow up, I want to be a veterinarian. I
have always loved animals and I want to be able to help and treat them. To do this, my
grades need to be high especially in science. Now that I am improving in academics, I
have a chance of accomplishing something in what I have always wanted to do.
Knowing that my academics are improving, I may be able to get into a good college so
that I can be successful in getting my job as a veterinarian. This feeling of
accomplishment just makes me feel so much more confident in my future than what I
felt a year or two ago.
The whole purpose of this story is to show people that I can improve in so much more
than just academics if I work for it. During my sports season, since I play three different
sports, I don’t really focus on just one. I focus on the one that I play during that season.
If I kept pushing at just one of them, I could go very far. This relates to my academics
because if I really focus on it, I can make it into something bigger. When people say
they want to get better at something or do better, sometimes they may not mean it.
“Hard work beats talent, when talent doesn’t work hard.” This is a quote from a
basketball player named Kevin Durant and this quote inspires me. It inspires me
because it is the truth. So, in the end, my accomplishment that made me who I am
today, was when I received honors in seventh grade.
#5
An environment where I am content is my grandparents 93.66 acre “farm”. When I go
up to the “farm” I feel like I can finally be myself and no one is there to stop me from
being me. I have worked on my grandparents friends farm since I was six years old, he
had cows, and horses. Milking the cows, feeding the calves, and brushing horses were
always my jobs until last year when he lost his farm. Now the horses stay on my
grandparents property and I ride, wash, feed, and brush them. The farmer, even though
he lost his farm, still works on the farm and I still help by bailing hay or cutting the grass.
Doing all these things not only gave me a sense of responsibility but a love and bond
with animals. I would love to go to your school for a chance to become a vet so I can
move further in my relationship with animals and also people. I have always been
around animals all types of animals including: snakes, dogs, horses, cows, rabbits,
hamsters, hermit crabs, and turtles.
#6
"What colors do you want your room painted?" my dad asked me when I was in 5th
grade. I'm just going to assume I was color blind back then because I responded with light
purple and lime green, noting that I have a peach colored carpet. I think we can all conclude
that I should not aspire to be an interior designer. Though the colors did not go well
together, my room slowly became a piece of art that I stayed in from the time I got home
from school until the time I had to go to school.
My room is my utopia, my heaven on Earth, and my only escape. Everything I am is
encompassed somehow, someway in my room. The burnt vogue magazine on my wall
shows my hatred for society's expectations. The clothes scattered all over my floor, and the
dishes on my night stand show my lack of interest in tidiness. The Earth that's half colored
blue and green, and the other half colored black shows how cynical I am. The bookcase
shows my love for words, and the piano shows my love for music. You could take hours and
hours defining me just through my room, and I am in love with the idea that my room is me.
Plus, I go out into this world filled with people who just don't stop talking, and I just need
someplace to listen to my own thoughts. My room hears me cry and rant about life and sing
at the top of my lungs. The greatest thing about my room though is that when I'm
completely and utterly myself instead of the usual facade I put out into the world, it does not
judge me, and that is rare to find.
When you walk into my room, you see art and poetry. Even though I do not know
exactly what I want to do, I know I don't belong in an office cubicle, a hospital, or typing on a
computer all day. In all honesty, I hate the thought of being shackled to one job for the rest
of my life. I despise routine. However, if I can find a job that not only provides my needs but
also is a job I love, maybe that Earth in my room that's half colored green and blue and the
other half colored black will one day all be colored blue and green. Though my room might
be one of my only places of comfort, I need to knock down my walls and step out of my
comfort zone. The words I write down and the feelings that I express through pictures
deserve to be seen because my tangible pieces of creativity are worth too much to collect
dust day after day.
My thoughts incessantly tick and tock every second of my life, and if the mad hatter were an
abstract thing, he would be my imagination. I need to stop hiding this other world inside my
room and head but instead, show the world who I am and how my existence on this Earth
means anything. Even though I definitely don't have everything figured out about who I am
or what my purpose is, I still know I matter. I genuinely believe I can one day stop
complaining about everything wrong with this world and instead, change it for the better.
The world is my canvas, and I have the paintbrush. Now I just need the paint, but please
don't give me a color palette with lime green, light purple, and peach.
#7
I was born in Celebration City, Florida. When I was about one my mom and I moved to
Pennsylvania. I stayed with my nana for a few days here and there. She lived in tennessee
and I didn’t always get to see her much. My mom met my dad when i was around 3 or 4. My
life changed when we moved in with him and I had a dad. He’s raised me my whole life.
They got a divorce things were hard, sad, and complicated when we moved and were
settling in but my dad remarried and my mom is with her high school sweetheart. Im not
happy that they got a divorce and that we had to move so many times but I love my life just
the way it is and everyone in it and im glad they are happy and so is my brother and I we
now have twice as many people in my family and things are better than they have ever
been. My moms boyfriend is like another dad to me he’s fun and cool and he loves to do
things with my brother and I. My step mom owns a horse farm and shes fun too. I would
have wished for things to go back to normal before but deffinately not now I am who I am
because of all the moves and experiences I’ve had and because of all of the wonderful
people that are around me. When I moved to Pa I remember going to work with my mom in
the morning and a nice old man would come in and get coffee and he would take his teeth
out because I thought it was funny. My mom met my dad one day at work and he liked her
they went out and a fe months later came my baby brother and a ring on her finger. We
moved to birdsboro from Pottstown. I went to Franklin elementary for kindergarten then 1st
grade through 4th grade I went to daniel boone I moved to pottsgrove in 5th grade so we
moved in with my pop pop so my dad could take care of him when he was gone we went on
a family vacation things weren’t the same after that it was a week before 7th grade I
remember walking past my parents room and seeing my mommy crying I knew something
was wrong they told us they were getting a divorce. My dad stayed at his house and we
moved to sunnyside. I met my best friend there. I then moved to my moms boyfriends
house and I knew him when I was younger he had a daughter a few years older than me we
were good friend she moved out now though but I am who I am because of the things I’ve
gone through and seen I realized when I get older I want my marriage to work, not
everything in life is permanent, you have to do or change things along the line depending on
where your life takes you, and life involves changes I am who I am because of who I grew
up with and how I grew up. I know my biological dad I remembered his name my parents
didn’t want to tell me and I said to my mom okay ill tell you and i remembered some things I
know who he is and what he looks like and a little about him but i don’t care my dad is my
dad and this is my home. Im glad things didn’t work out because I think things have worked
out better in the long run where we all are now.
#8
When I am reading, I am perfectly content. Wherever I am reading, I am always content
and happy. The place I am most content and happy whilst reading is my room with the door
closed and laying in bed. It can’t be any book though. It has to be something I choose and I
find interesting and intriguing, but once I find a book that catches my attention, I’ll read it
until my mother makes me stop for that time period. The reason I love reading and the
reason it makes me content is because I don’t think about anything else and it gets my
mind off of anything that was or is bothering me.
Reading makes me extremely content and relaxed. This makes me different from many
other teenagers my age because many teenagers do not enjoy reading. Many teenagers
only read when they need to for school, but I read whenever I can. Many teenagers find it
boring and unintriguing, and while many times it can be boring and not intriguing, I find it
can be exciting and intriguing. Teenagers that say reading is boring, probably have not
found a book they find interesting or they just look at the front cover and put it down if it isn’t
exciting or colorful or looks boring. On the back of books, there is a little sample from the
book or something about the book explaining it and what it’s about, that many teenagers
don’t bother to read it to find out if it something that they enjoy. I almost always read the
back of the book or at least one chapter of the book to see if it is worth my time to read.
Reading is one of the most comforting things ever and makes me extremely content.