Parenting Children Who Are
Strong Willed
David Causey, Ph.D.
Clinical Child Psychologist
502-896-2606
dcausey@squareonemd.com
Square One: Specialists in Child and Adolescent
Development
Group Hypnosis for Parents of
Children Who Are Strong Willed
David Causey, Ph.D.
Clinical Child Psychologist
Square One: Specialists in Child and Adolescent
Development
Support Groups for Parents of
Children Who Are Strong Willed
1-800-AAA-AHHH!!!
www.AAAAHHH!.com
Most Common Characteristics
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Inflexible
Stubborn
Persistent
Insistent
Demanding
Argumentative
Low Frustration Tolerance
Other Characteristics
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Perfectionist
Need for instant gratification
Controlling
Reactive
Moody
Self-centered
Contrary
Positive Characteristics Often
Described by Parents
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Charming
Helpful
Smart
Determined
Loving
Inquisitive
Eager to please
What Makes Parenting Them So
Challenging?
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Emotionally draining
Frustrating
Inconvenient
Disruptive to family life
Simple becomes complicated
No obvious reason for behaviors
Temperament
Determines how we interact with the world
around us, which then reflects how we
cope. Coping is defined as any response
to perceived threat, change, stress, or
DISAPPOINTMENT. Types of coping may
include: problem solving, support seeking,
avoidant coping, emotion focused coping,
or aggressive.
Temperament
• Emotional versus Logical
• Rigid versus Adaptable
• Controlling versus Compromising
What’s Behind the Frustration?
Sad / Disappointed
(Internally)
Worried / Nervous
Frustrated (Externally)
Embarrassed
Issues that contribute to strongwilled behaviors
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Temperament!!!
Compromised coping skills
Medical Concerns
Sleep Disorders
Environmental Stressors
Disrupted Attachment
Regulatory / Psychological Problems
Regulatory / Psychological
Problems
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Mood reactivity
Depression / irritability
Anxiety
Obsessive
Impulse control
Sensory Integration
Processing problems
Oppositional Defiant
WHY? – The myths
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They want to make your life miserable
They must have their way
They can’t help it
They just care about themselves
They’re spoiled
Poor parenting caused it
WHY?!!!
• Need to feel in control
• Internal discomfort not regulated
• Internal alarm and agitation supersedes
logic, common sense, or good coping
• Instant gratification
Impact on the child?
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Lowers self esteem
Perceived frustration of others
Compromised ability to problem solve
Heightened sensitivity to correction
Impact on others?
• May resent the child
• Disruption to family life
• Parent self esteem and “efficacy”
Adult Issues That Escalate or Reinforce Strong Willed
Behavior
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The adult’s mood at that moment
Feeling helpless or ineffective
Expectations – Anticipate Conflict.
Not being prepared for managing the
situations.
What makes it worse?
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Too quick to say “no”
Quick to anticipate a conflict
Quick to raise voice or yell
Coercive Process
Interpret behavior as intentional
Don’t set limits when necessary
Too strict with limits-can’t follow through
Indulge to “keep the peace”
Goals of intervention:
• Short-term – some immediate relief of
conflict
• Long term:
– parent feels empowered and effective
– Child develops better self-regulation and
compliance
– Conflict is significantly reduced
Best Intervention:
Prevention!!!
1) Floor Time
• Schedule 20 minutes several times a week
to be with your child
• Let them pick the activity
• Let them be “in charge” of it
• Be a spectator or participant, but do not
direct the activity unless invited to by child
2) Behavior Blueprint
• Make a list of common conflicts
• Evaluate how you will view these issues in the
future (Ross Green – ABC basket)
• Evaluate the importance of “winning” or
confronting these issues
- Preference versus Requirement
• Decide on a specific plan for how you will handle
these issues in the future
2) Behavior Blueprint
• Have an action plan - practice or rehearse: specific
issues and/or situations, preference or requirement, how
to respond, consequences
• *Consider including your child to decide how certain
issues should be handled
• “Firm Flexibility” – adult must be firm, clear, and
consistent while ALSO being flexible, supportive, and
collaborative with the child when appropriate.
Frustration
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3) Make schedule if needed
• Add predictability to the day and maybe
give them a say about it
4) Simple Incentive Plan
• Set a simple goal with your child such as:
“accept no without arguing”, “be
respectful”, etc.
• Earn tokens in a jar
• Earn privileges or reward
• Never take away tokens that are earned
Look for the Positive
Positive Attention Things (PATs)
INTERVENTION
When prevention isn’t enough…
In the moment
• Try to avoid a critical or judgmental tone of voice when a
request is made or a potential conflict occurs
• Take time to consider the request before giving an
answer – “I need to take a few minutes to think about
that.” (Tell your child in advance that you will be doing
this from now on)
• Consider your child’s underlying stress or anxiety level
• Remember: Is this issue a “preference” or a
“requirement” for you as the parent?
Request Form
• List the request and give some details:
• Why I think this is an OK request and why it could work:
• Why I think mom and/or dad might say “no” to this request:
• What might be a fair compromise:
• PARENT RESPONSE:
Rules for Request Form
• -If a request is made, the parent tells the child to fill out a
request form OR the child may decide to go ahead and
fill out the request form right away.
• -Child completes the request form and gives it to the
parent
• -Child must give the parent time to review and respond
to the request
• -Parent must provide an answer and give reasons for the
answer or provide a temporary reason to wait (such as I
need to talk with your mom/dad about this request).
• -***The answer still may end up being given a “NO”
• -Child must review the parents response alone
• -Then the parent and child can discuss
Discipline
• 1-2-3 Magic Approach (Phelan)
• “All or none privileges” approach
• Level system
Parenting Children Who Are
Strong Willed
David Causey, Ph.D.
Clinical Child Psychologist
502-896-2606
dcausey@squareonemd.com
Square One: Specialists in Child and Adolescent
Development