SETTING: Present day. Living room with normal living room furniture with
adjoining kitchen with table and chairs. Large red area rugreddish area rug. The
center of the rug will eventually be where the sink hole appears. As the sink hole
grows the carpet is sucked down into the hole, which moves the furniture. The
character Robert will slowly sink into this hole. By the end of the show he
disappears, the rest of the cast straightens the rug and are able to once again walk
across the room where the sink hole had appeared.
Show opens with Theresa finishing vacuuming the area rug. She vacuums across the
center of the rug, turns off vacuum cleaner and wraps up cord when doorbell rings.
She answers the door. Anna stands in doorway holding a casserole.
ANNA
Theresa! Oh! I wasn’t expecting you…Robert told me you were at a
conference….I…uh…
THERESA
Anna! What a surprise! Come on in. The conference is next week. Robert can’t ever
keep my schedule straight. He didn’t tell me he was expecting you.
ANNA
Oh…he wasn’t…I mean it was a surprise…I mean I thought with you gone he might
like having a home cooked dinner…I brought a lasagna.
THERESA
How nice of you. He’s out on a run with David. Would you like to come in for a cup
of tea?
ANNA
Oh, no. I was on my way to…do some grocery shopping…I just was stopping by.
THERESA
Don’t you just hate grocery shopping? Buying the same stuff week after week and
the prices keep going up…You sure you don’t want a cup of tea?
I really have to go. I…
ANNA
Robert and David come up behind Anna. They have obviously been jogging and
arguing.
If you don’t come straight with her…
DAVID
ROBERT
Anna! What a nice surprise! Theresa, you remember Anna. She’s my new leading
lady…
THERESA
Look! She brought you lasagna! You’re favorite. Smells delicious. She thought I was
going to the conference this week but of course that’s next week.
ROBERT
(doesn’t miss a beat) How nice. Come in! Come in! Let me just grab a quick shower
and we can all share a cup of tea. Theresa, don’t just stand there go heat up some
water. Robert exits and Theresa leads them to kitchen.
DAVID
(to Anna, suspicious) Rob said he was home alone this weekend?
Oh…yes.
ANNA
THERESA
Thought my conference was this weekend. He’s been so busy learning lines for his
play that he can’t keep anything else straight. What kind of tea would you like? I
have Lemon Lift, Darjeeling, Red zinger, Peppermint, Lady Grey…
I really should be going….
ANNA
THERESA
Oh you can’t leave now. Robert would be so disappointed.
DAVID
Yeah, you don’t want to disappoint Robert, do you?
Here. Let me put that in the fridge.
Yeah, why don’t you stay for dinner?
What a good idea! We can have a party!
Oh no. I couldn’t impose…I…
THERESA
DAVID
THERESA
ANNA
DAVID
You don’t have any plans, do you? Stay! I bet you even have a bottle of wine stashed
in that big purse of yours!
THERESA
Do you? How perfect! Wait til I tell Robert you’re staying for dinner! (exits) Robert!
Robert, honey!
So. Just being a good Samaritan.
DAVID
ANNA
Look. Don’t make a scene. Just let me go. Tell them I got called away…
DAVID
And let you off the hook that easy? I don’t think so. Besides, I am looking forward to
watching Robert squirm. Funny. I wouldn’t have plugged you for the other woman.
ANNA
He told me she was moving out. That she was psychotic. She’s always been moody.
DAVID
Who wouldn’t be, living with him. How convenient for you to have him be so
“needy”.
ANNA
OK. I feel like an idiot. I’ve never done anything like this before. I don’t know if I
would have gone through with anything anyway. He’s just so charming and seemed
so sad.
DAVID
I’m afraid you’re stuck now. If you leave you’ll make him look bad and he wouldn’t
like that.
(enters) Who wouldn’t like what?
THERESA
DAVID
Meatless lasagna. My father. Had to have meat in everything.
THERESA
Oh…Robert will be right out! Do you still want tea or should we open the wine?
ROBERT
(Enters wrapped with a towel around his waist) Open the wine! Let’s enjoy the
afternoon! (gets down wine glasses and wine opener as Theresa digs out the bottle
from her bag, hesitates and then pulls out the second bottle). Perfect!
THERESA
Don’t you think you should put some clothes on? Here, I’ll pour while…
ROBERT
I can pour. Get out some cheese and crackers. A toast to good friends and
spontaneity!
And clothes.
DAVID
ROBERT
all right, All right. I’ll be right back.
THERESA
He’s lost 30 pounds and is so proud of himself.
He should join a nudist colony.
Don’t be silly.
DAVID
THERESA
ANNA
Really. I can’t stay. I have errands to run…
THERESA
But Robert would be so disappointed. You can’t leave. Promise you’ll stay. He’ll be
impossible if you leave now. Can’t you stay? Please? I have some lasagna!
DAVID
Yeah. Stay. You can be my date for the evening.
THERESA
Perfect! Good! It’s settled then. Maybe later we can play some games! Do you like
games?
DAVID
Yeah, do you? Pictionary? Truth or dare?
ROBERT
(enters dressed and shows himself off) What do you think?
MUCH better with clothes.
DAVID
ROBERT
Thanks! Just been shopping. My old clothes were falling off me.
It’s a beautiful shirt.
ANNA
ROBERT
See, Theresa? Anna likes the shirt. She thought it was too…What was it you said?
THERESA
I didn’t say I didn’t like it. I just said the color didn’t suit you.
ROBERT
But you were wrong, weren’t you. Admit it. Come on. Say you were wrong.
I just didn’t think that color…
You were wrong and I was right.
THERESA
ROBERT
THERESA
Yes. I was wrong and you were right.
and?
ROBERT
THERESA
I’m sorry I disagreed with you.
And?
It’s a lovely shirt.
ROBERT
THERESA
ROBERT
Shall we refill glasses? Theresa, you didn’t set the table. We have guests! Get the
table cloth and we’ll do this right. (Theresa exits. Once she’s out of sight Robert feels
up Anna who tries to push him away as David looks on.)
You are a real piece of work.
DAVID
Anna
Please. Don’t. You told me she was leaving you!
ROBERT
I never said that. You must have heard what you wanted to hear. Besides, What’s
the harm? (Therese enters with table cloth.) David, could you stack up those
papers and just put them on the side board. Anna, let’s use the good dishes. They’re
in the cabinet there. Come on, Theresa, let’s get some fresh flowers from the garden.
You two be good! (exits with Therese)
I’m leaving
ANNA
DAVID
Oh no you’re not. If you leave now she’ll get suspicious and I won’t have her hurt
because you two can’t act like adults. You’re in here for the long haul so get used to
it. And quit looking like a deer caught in the headlights. You are going to be cheerful
and chatty so that this impromptu dinner party is pleasant. Got it?
(Nods)
ANNA
DAVID
(Starting to clear off table he notices the papers and starts to seriously look at them
while Anna gets the dishes.) What’s this….?
You shouldn’t snoop.
ANNA
DAVID
Look whose talking. You’re a real estate lawyer, aren’t you? What do you make out
of this? (hands her paper)
ANNA
Looks like they’re refinancing.
They?
DAVID
ANNA
Robert. The house must be in his name. What’s the big deal?
DAVID
They bought this house using her money for the down payment. The title was in
both their names.
ANNA
That can’t be right. She’d have to be on the refinance papers.
THERESA
(enters with Robert) Aren’t these pretty? Our roses have been just perfect this year.
ROBERT
I’ll put them in water while you get the salad made. Where’s our bud vase?
THERESA
In the hall closet.
ROBERT
Why did you put it there? We should have it in the kitchen so when we cut flowers
we can put them ….(he crosses rug on way to hall closet and trips over the center of
the carpet.) Whoops! (turns it into a roll and pops up) Ta da! (continues out as
Theresa claps)
THERESA
Isn’t he cute? Anna, don’t you think he’s cute?
ANNA
Uh, sure…cute…
THERESA
You don’t mind staying for dinner, do you? Now that your Robert’s leading lady I’d
like to get to know you better. Oh, I better get the salad made.
ROBERT
(enters and crosses rug) Theresa. The vase isn’t where you said it was. How am I
supposed to find anything if you don’t tell me where it is? (there is a rumble and He
falls into sink hole in middle of carpet to his knees.) What the fuck?
THERESA
Robert! Be careful! What happened? (She rushes to his aid when there is another
rumble and the sink hole widens and Robert drops a few more inches. David grabs
her and prevents her from falling into the hole, too.)
DAVID
Careful! Step back! Robert, can you inch toward me? Maybe we should get a rope.
THERESA
I think there’s one in the shed (and starts to race off when)
ROBERT
Relax! I’m fine! I’m fine! This is nothing. (He moves to climb out and there’s another
rumble and he sinks a few more inches.) I’m fine.
Let me help you.
Grab his hand!
DAVID
THERESA
ANNA
Be careful!
ROBERT
I don’t need your help. I kind of like it here. Give me a new perspective. I bet I’m
the only person to ever fall into a sinkhole in his own living room! Theresa, take a
picture! We can send it to the TV station and they’ll put it on the new! Be great
publicity for the show.
ANNA
Maybe we should call the police or the fire department?
ROBERT
I don’t want to be ‘rescued” just yet! I got it all under control. Where’s my wine?
THERESA
But Robert, this could be dangerous!
ROBERT
Didn’t you hear me say I had it all under control? My wine?
THERESA
Oh, here (places it on tray and slides it over to him). Are you sure you’re ok?
ROBERT
Stop nagging. Did you put the lasagna in the oven yet? And is the salad done?
THERESA
Oh, I’m sorry. No…I…(rushes to finish tasks)
ROBERT
So, Anna, What do you think? Your leading man is being courageous, right?
Uh… (rushes off to help Theresa)
ANNA
DAVID
Wonder how far down that sinkhole goes.
ROBERT
Probably quite a ways. The rug is keeping me up. Pretty cool! Bet I can sue the
builder and make a pretty penny. What do you think? Sinkhole right here in my own
living room! How cool is this?
Sure the rug is strong enough?
DAVID
ROBERT
Ah, sure. I only buy the best, buddy boy. So what do you think about her? Quite a hot
ticket, don’t you think?
DAVID
I think you’re an asshole in a sinkhole.
ROBERT
Ha! That’s a good one! I bet this makes national news!
DAVID
So explain this to me, will ya? (waves refinance papers)
What?
ROBERT
DAVID
Theresa’s name isn’t on it. Refinancing without her knowledge? And since when
has this house been in only your name.
ROBERT
She doesn’t understand about these things. I handle the money. She trusts me. It’s
nothing.
This is illegal, you idiot!
DAVID
ROBERT
Hey! You can’t call me an idiot! I’m smarter than you, pal. Who got an almost
perfect score on the SAT’s?
DAVID
Still riding that old horse? I’m telling Theresa. Theresa!
ROBERT
Don’t! It’s none of your business! (struggles and sinks a bit deeper)
THERESA
Robert! We have to get you out!
ROBERT
I’m fine! Didn’t I say I was fine? Stop whining and get dinner ready.
I thought you called me.
THERESA
ROBERT
Nobody called you. You must be hearing things. I told you your hearing is messed
up.
THERESA
OK! OK! I’m sorry. You sure you don’t want to get out of there?
ROBERT
Just leave me alone and do what I told you to do! Jesus! Do I look like I can’t tell
when I’m in danger?
THERESA
….no… no…You know best.
ROBERT
Thank you. Now go fix dinner. (She exits)
DAVID
This isn’t over. You have to fix this or I’m telling her.
ROBERT
IT’s no big deal. You’re making a mountain out of a …
DAVID
No. It is a big deal and tomorrow you and Theresa are going to go down to city hall
to get this fixed.
ROBERT
You can’t tell me what to do.
DAVID
This is wrong, Robert. It’s stealing. It’s dishonest.
ROBERT
I’m not a thief! She trusts me! I told you I take care of the money around here.
(struggles and there’s a rumble and he sinks a bit more)
(Rushing in) I’m calling the police!
THERESE
ROBERT
I have everything under control. Stop being hysterical. I’m perfectly fine.
DAVID
Robert was just telling me that your name isn’t on the house.
THERESA
What are you talking about? Of course it is! I remember signing it when we bought
the house.
ROBERT
Somebody must have messed up…You probably missed a spot, or signed in that
illegible handwriting of yours.
But…
THERESA
ROBERT
We’ll go to city hall in the morning and get it straightened out. OK? Nothing to worry
about.
THERESA
How could my name not be on the title? I’m sure I signed everything correctly. I
was very careful.
Just be glad I caught this. Dinner?
ROBERT
THERESA
Oh, yes. Thank you. I can’t imagine how this happened…(exits)
You’re disgusting.
DAVID
ROBERT
you’re just jealous. You always had a thing for Theresa. Admit it.
DAVID
I’m going to set the table. With the “good” dishes. You can stay here and have
everything under control.
ROBERT
Hey wait! Pass me the controller, will ya?
DAVID
Sure. (Tosses it and it falls into the sink hole. ROBERT moves to get it but the
rumble happens and he sinks)
Shit. Now look what you’ve done!
ROBERT
DAVID
(Turns on set it’s the HGTV) Hey, it’s all under control, remember? Leaves for
kitchen.
ROBERT
Get back here! I can’t stand this shit! Come on! Come back and change the channel!
DAVID! I want ESPN!!! DAVID!!! THERESA! Come here! THERESA!!!
What’s the matter.
THERESA
DAVID
Oh leave him be. He has it under control, remember?
THERESA
I can’t let him get upset! You know how he is!
Fine. Go rescue him.
DAVID
Robert
You know I think I am getting a unique perspective here. Like, did you know that
carpets stink? We don’t notice because we’re usually so far away from it. But up
close there is an old, kind of doggy smell.
DAVID
Which I’m sure has nothing to do with the fact you own a dog.
ROBERT
And chairs. Why are they so far from the ground? It gives people a false sense of
control, superiority. We should be closer to the earth. Grounded. Just think how
differently people would govern if they were forced to sit closer to mother earth.
Can you imagine congress posturing so readily if they were seated on tatami mats?
Just the thought of standing up would stop most of the blowhards from even
thinking of speaking.
THERESE
That’s true. I never thought about it but that’s really true.
Please!
DAVID
ANNA
No. He makes sense. We should all sit closer to the ground. It would…What did you
say?
DAVID
We’d be more grounded. It would give us all pause. And another thing. We put too
much importance in stature. Tall men more valued than short men.
And tall women!
THERESE
DAVID
Don’t be ridiculous. Unless you’re talking amazons.
Xena Warrior princess.
ROBERT
DAVID
Now you’re just being stupid. But there was a study that showed that all American
presidents were taller than their opponents. Our society says if a man is tall then he
must be better, smarter, stronger.
ANNA
Yes! I think I read about that somewhere.
ROBERT
So from now on the Republicans and democrats will be drafting their candidates
from the NBA
DAVID
You laugh but just think what a candidate micheal Jordan would have made. No one
would dare challenge him. His superiority is written into his genes.
ROBERT
And George Bush is so much taller than Kerry…
DAVID
And the light is different from down here. I am really enjoying this experience. You
should all try this. IT’s like channeling our inner child. I really get what being a
child is like. Parents looming over head.