A Clearer View of the Moon
- Cancer from the inside
“A friend is one to whom one can pour out
all the contents of one's heart, chaff and
grain together, knowing that the gentlest of
hands will take and sift it, keeping what is
worth keeping, and, with the breath of
kindness, blow the rest away."
Arabian proverb
— Arabian Proverb
ISSUES FACED BY CANCER SUFFERERS
1. To talk about the fear of abandonment, pain,
family concerns, increasing dependence and to
allay those fears as much as is possible.
2. To feel that it is okay to let go and die (when the
cancer is terminal). Carers can sometimes get in
the way of this. It is normal to refuse food or
further treatment. They may feel a need to
arrange with doctors the avoidance of lifeprolonging measures while they are still
conscious.
3. To know what is happening (diagnosis and
prognosis). Alternatively they may not want to
know.
4. A need to maintain dignity and control. Selfcare is often important. There is a need to be
recognised as a person rather than as a body
with a disease.
5. To be treated as a whole person. Emotional,
cultural, spiritual, financial, self-image,
physical, sexual, personal lifestyle,
relationships.
6. To have feelings accepted and understood.
(Often prolonged anger and depression are
covering up a deep feeling of sorrow and heldin grief at losing everything that is important to
them.)
7. To be at home as much as possible.
8. To feel that the family will be able to get along
without them after death. They may want to cry
with their family as they say goodbye.
Completing unfinished business with someone
whether by talking or writing will ease their
minds and hearts.
9. To be pain free and as alert for as long as
possible.
10. To find a meaning for their lives, suffering and
death (this is where a Christian or other faith
carer can be of particular assistance)
11. To feel that they still have the love and respect
of those who are dear to them. This is best
shown by spending time with the person.
ISSUES FACED BY THE FAMILY OF THE
CANCER SUFFERER
1. A need to communicate their fear and pain.
They too have a ‘dis-ease.’ If they are
overlooked then resentment and guilt can build
up. They need to be encouraged that they are
doing a good job.
2. A need of knowledge. To know the diagnosis
and prognosis, the side effects of the therapy,
what to expect as the illness progresses etc.
3. To make plans and set goals and know that it is
alright to do so.
4. A need to have time out alone where there is
nothing expected of them.
5. Children view death differently at different ages.
They need to be aware of the dying process and
have things explained to them honestly, simply
and directly (in ways that are developmentally
appropriate). If possible, children should spend
time with the dying person, feel free to talk about
death, to ask questions and to have death treated
as something which is a natural part of life.
Children can be encouraged to respond to death
through art work.
6. That it’s okay to accept that death is going to
happen. This can become an opportunity for the
family and loved one to share their deepest
feelings. Crying can bring a family closer, and
into a sense of trust that death is all right and
acceptable, even though it makes them sad.
7. To spend time with the deceased after death
especially in cases of sudden death. It helps
family members become familiar with death and
experience first hand that the loved one is gone.
Families who do spend time with the dead body,
at home or in the hospital, often experience
feelings of deep peace and joy during this time.
CARING FOR THE CANCER SUFFERER
AND THEIR FAMILY
1. Genuineness
It is important that you be yourself. Relate to the
cancer sufferer as you would to anyone else. People
who have cancer need to know that they are still part
of life. We musn’t make the mistake of treating those
who are still living as though they are “amongst the
dead.” Genuineness and naturalness are important
with the family as well. The role of pastoral carer is
one of support, not expert or authority.
2. Listening
You may have to listen over and over again to
stories that you have already heard. This listening
may involve listening to outbursts of anger,
frustration and resentment. You may even become
the target of some of these expressions of emotion.
It is important not to take it personally. Remember
that sometimes people who are under great stress
act in inappropriate ways.
3. Physical contact
Some people like to touch and be touched. Others
don’t. It is important to be flexible in regard to this
issue so that you can respond in the way that is
appropriate for a particular situation. Touch can
often communicate “I’m here. I care” far more
meaningfully than can words.
4. Meeting them where they are
Regardless of how much you may disagree with a
family’s way of dealing with their situation, it is
never appropriate to give unsolicited advice.
Patterns of interaction between family members, no
matter how counter-productive they may seem to
you, have been formed over years of association
and are rooted in a history of which you are not a
part.
25 PRACTICAL SUGGESTIONS FROM A PERSON
FACING SERIOUS ILLNESS
1. Don’t avoid me. Be the loved friend you have
always been.
2. Touch me. A simple squeeze of my hand tells
me you care.
3. Call me to tell me you’re bringing my favourite
dish and when you are coming. Bring food in
disposable containers.
4. Take care of my children. I need time to be alone
with my spouse.
5. Weep with me when I weep, laugh with me when
I laugh.
6. Take me out for a pleasure trip, but know my
limitations.
7. Call for my shopping list and make a special
delivery to my home.
8. Call me before you visit, but don’t be afraid to
visit. I need you. I am lonely.
9. Help me celebrate holidays (and life!) by
decorating my room or bringing me tiny gifts of
flowers or other natural treasures.
10. Help my family. I may be sick but they may also
be suffering. Offer to come stay with me to give my
family a break.
11. Be creative! Bring me a book of thoughts,
taped music, a poster for my wall, cookies to share
with my family.
12. Let’s talk about it. Maybe I need to talk about
my illness. Find out by asking me, “Do you feel like
talking about it?”
13. Don’t feel we always have to talk. We can sit
silently together.
14. Can you take me or my children somewhere? I
may need transportation to a treatment, the store
or a doctor.
15. Help me feel good about my looks. Tell me I
look good despite my illness
16. Please include me in decision making. I’ve
been robbed of so many things. Please don’t deny
me the chance to make decisions in my family or in
my life.
17. Talk to me of the future, tomorrow, next week,
next year. Hope is so important to me.
18. Bring me a positive attitude. It’s catching.
19. What’s in the news? Magazines, papers, verbal
reports keep me from feeling that the world is
passing me by.
20. Help me with some cleaning. My family and I
still face maintenance of clothes, dishes and house
cleaning.
21. Water my plants and flowers.
22. Just send me a card to say “I care.”
23. Pray for me and share our faiths.
24. Tell me what you can do for me and, when I
agree, do it.
25. Tell me about support groups so I can tell
others.