Helping Clients Overcome
Offenses and Resentments
Michele D. Aluoch, LPCC
River of Life Professional Counseling LLC
c. 2013
Stages of Grief
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Shock
Disorganization
Searching Behavior
Emotional Components
• Despair
• Guilt-real or imagined, what if? What could I have done? I wish
I could have done more.
• Anger- at person for their sickness/death, anger
with yourself for being about your own business
Stages of Grief
• Anxiety-what now?, feeling of loss of control
over your emotions
• Jealousy- of others who don’t have to go through loss
• Shame-don’t want to admit true feelings of loss –
what it means
• Aggression/Protest- doctors & nurses, family
members who did not help, God for “letting it happen”
• Letting Go- final goodbye, not searching,
acceptance of new reality
• Reintegration- reassigning meaning to symbolic
experiences
The Six Needs of Mourning
Wolfelt, 2004
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Accept the reality of the death.
Let yourself feel the pain of the loss.
Remember the person who died.
Develop a new self identity.
Search for meaning.
Let others help you- now and always.
Grief and Locus Of Control
• Higher external locus of control associated with greater
sense of hopelessness.
• External locus of control associated with worse grief
outcomes.
• Moms/females tended to have higher external locus of control
than men.
• However, repression of emotions as in men associated with
much higher physical problems (cardiac arrest and heart
attacks following grief).
Depressive factors
• Attribution to stable global factors
• Inference of negative events
• Inference of negative things about self
Tasks
(Janzen,L., Cadell, S., & Westhues, A., 2003-2004)
1. Reconstructing the death scene
2. Regaining a sense of control over shattered assumptions
3. Saying good bye
4. Making sense of what happened
5. Carrying the deceased forward symbolically
Meaning Making in Grief
• Clients present in terms of stories, narratives, and myths
• Learning to adjust what is “true”
• Exists in culture: 1. stories, narratives, myths
and 2. nonverbal communication
• Meaning making : both within each client as well as the therapeutic
exchange.
• Not automatically important to everyone
• Gender differences- men seen as more attractive if less extreme
grief symptoms but women seen as more attractive if open and
sharing
Meaning Making in Grief
• Clients present in terms of stories, narratives, and myths
• Learning to adjust what is “true”
• Exists in culture: 1. stories, narratives, myths
and 2. nonverbal communication
• Meaning making : both within each client as well as the therapeutic
exchange.
• Not automatically important to everyone
• Gender differences- men seen as more attractive if less extreme
grief symptoms but women seen as more attractive if open and
sharing
Meaning Making in Grief
KEYS
• Grief is as varied as each individual.
• Expression is better than denial.
• Expression may include a range of things unique to each individual.
• Gender roles play a part- men tend to be more private and repressive while
women encouraged to be open.
• Social support is an essential element.
• Avoidance is top problem and concern in terms of maladaptive responses.
• Recovery involves building grief into existing structure of one’s life.
• Requires cognitive reframing- not losing but redefining.
• Flexibility between and within individuals is required.
(time, style, resources needed)
• Seeing grief as an ability to broaden one’s perspective
Developing Narratives
• Use the words “grief accounts” instead of “grief stories”
• Assist in meeting roles of: mourning and returning to life
• Practice grief (ex: self eulogy, reality- beginning, middle,
and end of stories)
• Restorative narrative- should be designed to fix, cure,
and heal
• By end of story should be some new activities aimed at
coping with the grief in productive ways
Good Grieving- Therapy
Altmaier, E. M. (January 2011)
Larsen, D., Edey, W., Lemay, L. (December 2007).
• Grief as part of the human experience rather than as
something to be mended
• Focus on good which comes out of bad
• Solution focus
• Addresses: images and thoughts, separation, grief feelings
• Trust to allow the story to come forth
• Increased sense of spirituality or good in spite of loss
• Instills hope- the story is ongoing- 15%
Feelings To Deal With
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Anger
Hurt or pain
Betrayal
Sadness
Confusion Bewilderment
Upset
Disappointed/let down
Hatred
Frustration
Depression
Feelings To Deal With
• Identify The Client’s Feelings As you
see them in each scenario.
• 1) I can’t believe that my friend who
I’ve known since childhood did that!
After all those years I never would
have guessed. I thought I knew him
better. How can I ever trust him
again when I didn’t even see this
coming?
Feelings To Deal With
• 2) I thought my home would be a safe place but I found out it
wasn’t. If it wasn’t for my mom’s boyfriends coming in and
having their way with me then it was the domestic fights
between my mom and dad. And I never got the opportunity
to live in a quiet, safe neighborhood either. If not violence
inside there were random gunshots and crimes outside. I
never knew where I was safe . I still don’t know what safe is.
How will I ever know? Life is awful and unsafe. No one can be
trusted. And trying to be the good kid in school and at home
doesn’t help either. Even if you study hard, clean your room
and behave you are abused. Life is unfair and cruel.
Feelings To Deal With
• 3) I can never do things right. I tried so hard but it seems I
always fail. I put my all into things but they don’t work out.
• 4) She was never there for me but she was my mom after all. I
had to raise myself . Even as a young child I cooked food and
took care of my brothers and sisters while she was out on the
streets doing her thing. I cleaned the house so no one could
tell how bad things really were. I had to grow up before my
time. I never got to be a kid. Why did mom get to do what she
pleased but I had to be the grown up she wasn’t acting like a
grown up herself? Now I missed out on so much and I’m
angry and bitter.
Feelings To Deal With
• 5) My biological parents gave me up for adoption. Now they
want to meet me. They said they were young and did what
they believed was the best chance for me in life. But growing
up not knowing who you really are or why you are unwanted
does not feel like the best chance to me. They expect me to
just forgive and move on though I went through so much self
doubt, rejection, abandonment. They were living their lives .
They didn’t try. They didn’t make me a priority.
Feelings To Deal With
• 6) My bosses are always against me. I have been on 20 jobs in
the last year and they always find something to fire me for.
They let other people get away with things but not me. I’m
sure my next boss will just be the same. You can only get
ahead in life if you are the best friend of the company owner.
• 7) Every day it is another surprise. All my friends are dying. I
have one loss after another. Life gives me more than my share
of issues. There is no end in sight. Other people get a break
but not me. I guess some people just get lucky and some
people never get anything.
Cognitions of Offenses
• Discouraging thoughts about the offender
• Questioning: why did the offender do it?
• Why did this happen to me?
• Thoughts of revenge
• Thoughts of relationship termination
• Why the offender should not have done this to begin
with
• Thoughts of forgiveness
• Thoughts of distrust
Most Critical Factors to
Consider in Relational Offenses
Beckenbach, J., Patrick, S., & Sells, J. (2010)
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The immediate topic
The history of arguments
The nature of conflict between the two parties
Family of origin or historical factors in these issues
Use of defenses and self preservation techiques- perpetuates
offenses
Inspiring Hope
Cutcliffe, J.R.. (2006)
• Through connecting in the therapeutic context
• Through helping process emotions with the
client until there is a release
• Throughout assisting the client in coming up
with an alternative ending
Hope Versus Want and Desire
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Want/Desire
May or may not happen
May or may not be manageable and achievable
May or may not have the skills to attain the goal
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Hope
Able to be attained by the hopeful person
Skill base is there or can be easily gotten
Possible and realistic to achieve
Able to access resources
Hopeful Elements
Cutcliffe, J.R.. (2006)
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Connectedness- self and others
Uplifting memories
Cognitive strategies
Spiritual or philosophical beliefs which support hope
Refocusing of time and energy
Purposeful activities
Ability to tolerate ebb and flow
Atmosphere of acceptance
WATCH WHERE YOU PUT
YOUR BUTS:
Unpleasant feelings
Concerns
comment
Worries
Irrational thoughts
Questions/Doubts
BUT
Positive self statement,
Strengths based
Counseling Techniques
• Visualizations and guided imagery- fantasy of what the
relationship with the child would look like.
• Narrative therapy- letters to their child, note and their
hopes and dreams for that child, if ongoing- scrapbooks
at various stages
• Psychoeducation-types of procedures available,
community resources, common reactions to infertility,
options
• Behavioral therapy- help client set other options of
personal goals, review and renewal of commitment to
the marriage, planning for long term- next 5 years and
setting sub goals (with/without parenting)
Counseling Techniques
• Skill building- communication skills, attending, empathy,
paraphrasing
• Cognitive reframing- lovemaking as opposed to making babies
• Cognitive therapy: a) Dealing with cultural expectations- (e.g.
“how many?” and “when?” instead of “if?”), 48% of women
and 15% of men= “most painful”, b) Family of origin
expectations
• Assertiveness and boundary setting with others
• Parenting skill development with any other children
Forgiveness Assessment
Is reconciliation a necessary part of forgiveness?
Is apology necessary before you would forgive someone?
Is it necessary to forget the hurt when you forgive someone?
Do you see forgiveness as primarily a religious concept?
Is it possible to forgive someone without that person being aware of
it?
Forgiveness Assessment
Do you feel guilty if you do not forgive someone?
Is it possible to forgive someone?
Is it possible to forgive yourself?
Is forgiveness more helpful for the person who was hurt than
the person who did the hurting?
Can forgiveness cause emotional problems?
Do you think you have a moral responsibility to forgive?
Forgiveness Assessment
• Does forgiving someone excuse their hurtful behavior?
• Can forgiveness occur if a hurtful action is still
happening?
• Are religious people more forgiving?
• Do you see yourself as more forgiving than others?
• Is it easier to forgive a friend/family member than a
stranger?
• Does anger decrease when forgiveness takes place?
Forgiveness Assessment
• Is it easier to forgive a friend/family member than a stranger?
• Does anger decrease when forgiveness takes place? Are you
more likely to forgive someone who has made a major life
change?
• Do you see forgiveness as a weakness?
• Does forgiveness justify a hurtful behavior?
Forgiveness Assessment
• Does forgiveness automatically restore trust?
• Is it possible to be both angry and forgiving about a situation
at the same time?
• Was forgiveness used often in your family?
• Do you believe people should be forgiven more than once for
doing the same hurtful action repeatedly?
To Forgive Or Not To Forgive?
• Did you make a conscious decision to forgive? If so, how did you
arrive at that decision? Can you trace the reasoning that led you to
decision to forgive?
• Did you experience—at any point before, during, or after the making
of the decision lo forgive—a changed emotional state that you would
define as emotionally forgiving the person who harmed you?
• Did your Christian beliefs, values, community, or friends play any part
in your decision and experience of forgiveness? If so, how?
• What benefits (if any) have you experienced from having forgiven,
and explain whether (and if so, how) your offender benefited?
To Forgive Or Not To Forgive?
No:
• Offense was too big’
• Risk for re-offending
• Nature of the offense
• Personal preferences/what I will or will not
tolerate
• Psychological distress level
To Forgive Or Not To Forgive?
Williamson, I., & Gonzales, M. H. (2007)
Positive Regard for Offender Subscale
5. Lets me see the good side of the other person, despite his
or her offense.
8. Allows me to sympathize with the other person.
14. Enables me to empathize with the other person’s motives,
needs, and reasons for doing what he or she did.
16. Helps to restore feelings of love and caring in my
relationship with the other person.
19. Makes the other person’s action’s more understandable.
To Forgive Or Not To Forgive?
Williamson, I., & Gonzales, M. H. (2007)
Religious–Expressive Subscale
6. Reflects a humble submission to God, who always forgives us.
9. Allows me to express God’s love.
20. Enables me to act as Jesus would want me to act.
21. Makes it possible for God to work through me.
23. Is an opportunity to model or identify with Jesus.
To Forgive Or Not To Forgive?
Williamson, I., & Gonzales, M. H. (2007)
Self–Transformation Subscale
12. Enables me to look at myself differently than before.
13. Enables me to find a larger meaning in life.
15. Transforms me into a different and better person.
17. Enables me to adopt a larger perspective, to see the “big
picture.”
22. Is an opportunity to gain wisdom and knowledge.
To Forgive Or Not To Forgive?
Williamson, I., & Gonzales, M. H. (2007)
Relief of Psychological Pain Subscale
2. Relieves the sadness I feel.
4. Eliminates the discomfort (e.g. pain, sadness, anger) I feel
whenever I see the other person.
10. Helps me to feel happier in general.
Four Key Components in
Overcoming Offenses
Beckenbach, J., Patrick, S., & Sells, J. (2010)
Justice
Empathy
Trust
Forgiveness
Areas Which Hinder
Forgiveness
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Black and white thinking
Cognitive Inflexibility
Lack of empathy
Lack of putting things in context
Lack of willingness to abandon one’s point of view
A strict method of justice, grace, etc.
Those who ruminate and justify resentment, anger, bitterness,
etc.
Collectivist Mindset and Forgiveness
Hook, J. N., Worthington Jr., E. L., Utsey,S. O., Davis, D. E., &
Burnette, J. L. (April 2012).
• Fosters forgiveness more than those with an individualized mindset
• Goals: Interpersonal harmony, reconciliation instead of personal feelings of peace and
happiness
Collectivism
• a social pattern consisting of closely linked individuals who
• (a) see themselves as connected with the collective in which they are members;
• (b) are motivated primarily by the social norms and duties of their collective;
• (c) place more importance on collective goals than on their own personal goals; and
• (d) emphasize their connectedness to other members of the collective.
Individualism
• a social pattern consisting of loosely linked individuals who
• (a) see themselves as relatively independent from the collective in which they
• are members;
• (b) are motivated primarily by their own preferences, needs,
• rights, or contracts they have made with others;
• (c) place more importance on personal than collective goals; and
• (d) tend to make decisions on whether to associate with others on an analysis of costs
and benefits to the individual.
Offenses and Children
McAdams III, C. R., Dewell, J. A., & Holman, A. R.
• Children are egocentric
• Children react by becoming erratic and disorganized
• Possibility of long term adjustment problems including
reactive attachment disorder
• Testing security and trust in all relationships
• Internalized rage- behavioral problems
Types of Forgiveness Theories
• Developmental/Process Theories
• Specific Theoretical Orientation Techniques
Common Elements
I. Intra-individual and inter-personal
Within the self
Between the self and others, relational
II. Regarding a perceived transgressor/transgression
NOTE: perceived versus actual transgressor- individual self and
desired self, self and other, two parties each with some
responsibility, groups
Common Elements
III. Has disrupted appropriate social interactions
IV. Requires a shift in emotions from bitterness, anger, hared,
toward more positive feelings, thoughts and behaviors
V. Involves some plan of dealing with accepting or modifying
behaviors based on perceived injustices
VI. Involves freedom in communication
“To be able to say without resentment, “I feel sad that our
relationship is going this way and this is what I would like from
here..” (Karen,R.-2001)
Hindrances To Forgiveness
• Poor role modeling of family with regard to emotional expression,
sharing, and/or problem solving
• Codependency
• Communication difficulties- avoidance, anger, reactivity, holding
things in, passive aggressive communication
• Extreme cognitions and black and white thinking- good/bad,
right/wrong, all at fault versus not at fault
• A childhood where parents were seen as always “right”
• A childhood where children lived in fear of the parents’ reactions
so they could never share their feelings
Perceptions of Counselors Versus Average
Person/Client
Counselors/theorists
Avg. person/client
• Commitment to forgive is an
“easier” early stage
Commitment to forgive is
the most important part of
the entire forgiveness
process and also the most
difficult.
• Bearing the pain is necessary
and positive step in healing
Have to act civil but don’t
have to bear injustices if
not client’s responsibility
• Social support systems necessary
during the deeper work phases of
go through
forgiveness
Social supports necessary
to even start and
• Cognitive commitment to
forgive initiates the treatment
and forgiveness process
Do the work of forgiveness
and then decide later about
commitment to forgive
every phase of forgiveness
General findings from Current Research:
Spirituality & Forgiveness
Significant differences in forgiveness styles and
patterns between those calling themselves born
again (B.A.) and others (on self report measures):
• 1) greater percentages B.A. feel guilty if they do not forgive
• 2) a greater percentage of B.A. consider forgiveness a moral
obligation
General findings from Current Research:
Spirituality & Forgiveness
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3) a significantly higher percentage of B.A. people are willing
to forgive someone else who has wronged them when they
know the other is undergoing a major life event/change
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4) B.A. saw forgiveness less in terms of personal choice and
more in terms of moral responsibility, moral obligation, and
Biblical mandate
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5) most significant result: largest differences found between
B.A. and others re. willingness to forgive repeat offenders
General findings from Current Research:
Spirituality & Forgiveness
Research results between religious and non-religious
people
(according to self report):
• 1) “religious” say that reconciliation is the goal whereas
“nonreligious” are more likely to acceptance of other as
the goal
• 2) “religious” tend to see reconciliation as always or
most often a very helpful and emotionally cleansing
process whereas “nonreligious” see reconciliation as
not always necessary and even potentially emotionally
damaging.
Forgiveness and Spirituality
• Considered important and necessary by many Christians and
people of faith
• Spirituality is embedded in the person’s narratives of self and
relationships
• Decisions al forgiveness verses emotional forgiveness
Research Results Continued:
Gender & Forgiveness
• 1) Women who were more religious and scored higher on
empathy scales were more inclined to forgive.
• 2) Gender issues affecting forgiveness: women- guilt
proneness, anger reduction, and detachment and men- age,
shame proneness, and pride.
• 3) Defining forgiveness: women see process of forgiveness as
vital to successful relationships and men see it as helpful but
not necessary for maintenance of relationship.
• 4) Women are more likely to view forgiveness as obligatory
and men are more likely to view forgiveness as situational.
Research Results Continued:
Age & Forgiveness
• 1) Older people generally more likely to forgive.
• 2) Older women are more likely to forgive than older men.
• 3) Older women are more likely to forgive than younger
women.
Research Results Continued:
Age & Forgiveness
• Selfism- people internally focused on self, people who detach
when things get rough in relationships, and people with poor
emotional coping skills; repeatedly shown that selfish
negatively correlates with forgiveness
• Empathy-repeatedly shown to facilitate forgiveness and also
to be present in people who are willing and able to
demonstrate higher levels of forgiveness, perspective taking,
and reconciliation
Emotional Factors in
Forgiveness Cont
• Shame- Found to be the more generally “male” style
while “guilt” is the generally “female” style according to
research. Shame- sees problems as global, negative
deficits in the entire self and enduring defects of a
person. Negatively correlated with forgiveness.
Considered connected to both higher degrees of
unforgiveness of self and others, more irrational anger,
and more external blame towards others.
• Guilt- Found to be the more generally “female” style
while “shame” is found to be the more generally “male”
style. Guilt- focuses on the behavior, assists in
forgiveness- separating out action from personhood.
Positively correlated with forgiveness. Considered more
adaptive following an offense.
Emotional Components
Continued
• Adaptive pride- Associated with higher self esteem.
Correlates highly with forgiveness. A person with high
adaptive pride sees himself or herself as socially responsible
for the well being of the relationship. High levels of adaptive
pride in men were generally associated with higher
forgiveness.
Emotional Components
Continued
• Cognitive adaptibility- Regardless of how many rejection wounds in
the past those who were more able to forgive were more willing to
take a risk being turned away because they did not want to
conceive of the possibility of not being together again. They were
able to muster the strength to cognitively focus on the positives in
spite of the negatives. Our greatest hurts are by the closest of
intimates- refocus on this closeness. Another measure of
cognitively adaptability demonstrated to correlate highly with
forgiveness is the ability to separate personhood from action.
Finally, those who were better at perspective taking were generally
better at achieving higher levels of forgiveness.
Emotional Components
Continued
• Emotional restrictiveness- People who have a tendency to not
allow themselves to feel or admit any unpleasant feelings or to
polarize these as “evil” are less likely to genuinely forgive and
reach higher levels of forgiveness and reconciliation. “Denial of
negative feelings”
• (Karen, R.-2001) actually hinders self forgiveness and other
forgiveness. In addition, those who do all they can to not mourn
actually promote complicated grief and hinder mourning in
addition to complicating the recovery process.
Emotional Components
Continued
• The blaming personality- Those who tend to see things as everyone
else’s fault actually tend to not mourn because they do not believe
they ever have anything to mourn over. Blame renounces
responsibility and dries up tears. Blame also is associated with
generalities- (“they” all become exactly like the one who hurt me).
This goes both for self forgiveness and other forgiveness.
• Mourning- Those who allow themselves freedom to mourn tend to
be more loving.
Mechanisms Involved In
Forgiveness
• Approaching- the offense
• Avoiding- the negative rumination, revenge and bitterness
which keeps someone “bound”
Approach
Avoidance
Four Types of Reactions to Offenses
Dr. Janis Abrahms-Spring (2004) Page10
Cheap
Forgiveness
Refusing to
Forgive
Acceptance
Forgiveness
Cheap Forgiveness
• Individuals quickly do an action to behaviorally seem as if they
have absolved someone but does nothing to foster genuine
interpersonal healing and improved relational dynamics
• Considered inauthentic, cover for hatred and contempt and other
emotions not dealt with
• Premature
• No processing of emotions
• Common among those who want to keep relationship at any cost:
(E.g. Overly compliant, conflict avoiders, codependent caretakers)
• Can lead to moral superiority
• May set hurt party up for health and emotional problems
Refusing To Forgive
• When you think forgiveness is not possible without reconciliation
• To send a clear signal that you won’t accept a violation
• Control and punishment based
• Fosters sense of impotence and invulnerability
• Common in people with all or nothing polarized thinking
Acceptance
• Feels all the emotions and does not bypass the
emotional work of the wounded party
• Promotes healthy self care- overcome revenge,
ensuring your safety, restoring self worth, resisting
obsession
• Especially when the offender is not an active part of
healing process
• When reconciliation is not healthy or possible
• Able to empathize with the offender
• Looks at both parties parts in things
Genuine Forgiveness
• “An intimate dance between offender and the offended”
• Offender recognizes and verbalizes need to be forgiven
• Each takes responsibility for his or her part
• To assess the injury together and reprocess
• Not just automatic but is work and is earned, conditional
• Offender express genuine remorse and specific plan to avoid behavior
in the future
• Offender hears the depth of the pain caused and listens to the
offended then works to make amends and get the relationship back on
track
• Allows for detailed discussion of all parts of the pain without debating
or cutting off or correcting the other’s experience/perception
• Involves behavioral requests and responses
Ingredients of a Good Apology
• 1)With responsibility for each persons’ part in the offense.
• 2) Personal: (When ___ happened you felt ____. You needed
_____ and in the future you hope for _______).
• 3) Specific behavior plan for the future- how we will handle
triggers again.
• 4) Deep apology, not just surface level.
• 5) Genuineness in interactions
• 6) Direct apology without a bunch of other stuff
Examples of Bad Apologies
Avoid:
• Sorry.
• I am sorry for whatever hurt you.
• What else do you want now?
• I am just like this. This is how I am but I am sorry.
• This is my personality, culture, etc. It is not likely to change.
• I’ll say I’m sorry if it will help but I don’t know why.
• I cannot believe you need me to apologize for that.
• I am sorry for ___ BUT ….
Cognitive Models of Forgiveness &
Object Transformation
(e.g.- Cioni,P.F.-2007)
• Unforgiveness/Woundedness (Revenge Based Cognitions)
• Versus Forgiveness (Changing Cognitive Attributes and
Perspectives)
Object Transformation
Negative Cognitions
• Violation occurs
• Negative emotions follow
• “I will get even”,” I want
revenge”, “They will not
get away w/this”,”He/she
must pay for this”. I can’t
stand this pain”,” I cannot
tolerate this, “I must get
even.”
• The object-image changes
from friend to enemy.
• Aggressive energy is
directed toward the object
which produces inner
conflict.
Forgiveness-Based Cognitions
• Violation occurs
• Negative emotions follow
• I will choose to forgive this
person. The violation no
longer has control over me.
• Negative emotions are
alleviated.
• The object-image is less
threatening or remains
non-threatening. Freedom
from inner conflict. is
enhanced, peace restored,
and life renewed.
Transformation
Blocher, W.G., & Wade, N,G.
(January 2010)
• a process of changes
• Inside the one who perceives the offense
• three areas: cognition, emotions, and behaviors toward the
offender.
• Two mechanisms: 1) reduction of negative thoughts,
emotions, and behaviors that include the pain, hurt, anger,
• bitterness, and any desires for revenge that result from the
hurt; and (2) increase of positive thoughts, feelings, and
prosocial behaviors toward the offender (e.g. compassion,
understanding, love, mercy, or simply a feeling of pity
Hope-focused Marriage Enrichment
(Ripley,J.S. & Worthington,E.L., Jr.- 2002)
• 1. Teach clients to promote at least a 5 to 1 positive to
negative interaction ratio.
• 2. Teach empathy- First person speaks followed by a
valuing empathy statement of the second person before
second person responds.
• 3. LOVE- L=listen to your partner
O=observe your effects on your partner
V=value your partner
E=evaluate common interests
• 4.Incorporate intimacy building exercises (e.g. Gestalt
moving closer, solution focused interchanges and
valuing statements)
• 5. Coupes write a love letter to each other.
Empathy-Centered Forgiveness-Based InterventionContinued
Therapeutic Tasks:
• Ask each person in the family or group or relationship
to describe from his/her point of view and facilitate
hearing and empathy by others
• Follow up with assisting others to think based on the
initial comments about what may please the first
communicator (perspective taking)
• Help the “group” speak to common feelings and
perception
• Facilitate each admitting his/her part and verbalizing
commitment to ongoing healthy relationship
Empathy-Centered Forgiveness-Based
Intervention
(Ripley,J.S. & Worthington,E.L., Jr.- 2002)
Five parts:
• 1. Empathize with the offender to promote forgiveness.
• 2. Humility (choice of the offended) as the offended recalls
times when he/she has received forgiveness from the person
who offended them.
• 3. Shift from blame and resentment to willingness to forgive.
• 4. Commitment aloud to forgive the offender.
• 5. Maintenance- discussion of how the offender may prove
him/herself on an ongoing basis.
Developing An Attitude of Humility
“ I see my offender’s motivations and understand his or
her point of view. I feel what he or she might have
been feeling. Further, I have felt similar feelings. I see
that I have done things or wanted to do things as
wicked as the other person. In those instances of my
own weakness, I would like to have forgiveness
extended to me. I want mercy for my own foibles.
Who am I to demand justice for this person when I
want mercy for myself? I know that the other person
is needy. I want to help this person. I want to release
him or her from the hate, anger, and desire for
retribution that I feel. That is the decent thing to do.
That is the right thing to do.”
Attachment Theory Models of Forgiveness
(Lawler-Row, K.A., Younger, J.W., Piferi, R.L, & Jones,
W.H.- 2006)
• Secure attachment styles associated with forgiveness.
• Linked to degree to which people can:
• Tolerate negative affect
• Experience pain
• Communicate feelings
• Reframe the offender
• Have better internal emotional regulation
• Demonstrate broader emotional expressiveness
• Have less idealized expectations and more flexibility in
relationship interactions
• Insecurely attached: avoidance, difficulty working through the
relationship, physiological problems
Process Models Of
Forgiveness
The Empathic Dialectical Reframing Model
(Berecz, J.M.-2001)
Three “R”s:
• Rapport
• Reframing
• Release
Empathic Dialectical Reframing Model
(Continued)
Rapport
• Counselor’s responsibilities are strong here- counselor
as psychoeducational teacher
• Counselor to teach idea of “empathy as dialectic
imagination”- talk to client about learning a way of
moving away from self perception being applied onto
other (transgressor) toward reaching outward toward
other instead
• Counselor to teach empathy and perspective taking
skills and move client away from chronic self focus
inward
Empathic Dialectical Reframing Model
(Continued)
Reframing
• Assist one of the parties in making a statement to break the cycle
of unforgiveness and selfish (e.g. “I know we have recently not
been understanding each other very well but I would like for us to
try and hear each other better so we can have a more peaceful
home.”)
• Reframing in terms of a cooperative problem solving solutionfocused team venture.
Empathic Dialectical
Reframing Model (Continued)
Release
• NOTE: Berecz talks of “release” instead of “reconciliation”
• Belief that in some cases it may be “psychologically harmful”
to try and reconcile (repeated infidelity of a spouse, abuse,
addiction)
• Allows for disjunctive forgiveness whereby the offended can
“accept” the understanding of the personhood, context, and
personality issues of the transgressor but the offended can
move on without letting them have a hold on the hurt party.
• Releasing bitterness even if there will never be reconciliation
or if the offender never repents or apologizes.
• Helpful when the transgressor refuses to change his or her
ways and sees nothing wrong even when you know what the
offender did was wrong.
Contextual Therapy
(Murray,R.J.-2002, based on Hargrave, T.D.-1994)
• Four Stations
• Station 1 &2 = Exoneration (attempts at removing culpability and
ending condemnation toward the wrongdoer)
• 1) Insight
• Understanding of possible casual factors
• Minimizes future damage in relationship
• Looks at objective facts
• 2) Understanding
• The wrongdoers limitations, development, efforts, and possible
intents
• Placing things in larger context
• Looks at subjective experiences and motivational factors
Contextual Therapy Continued
• Station 3 & 4= Forgiveness (actions regarding responsibility,
wrongdoer admitting his/her part and trust being reestablished)
• 3) Opportunity for Compensation
• Re-entering the relationship in a new way
• Victim must agree to have the pain addressed by the
perpetrator and allow self to be healed
• Victim must decide if he/she is willing to trust the perpetrator
and to what degree in the future
• Addressing interactional systems patterns
Contextual Therapy Continued
• 4) Overt Forgiving
• Relational ethics applied- what entitled to receive versus what
obligated to give
• Defining what the relationship will look like from here
Intentional Forgiving
(Ferch, S.R.- Summer1998)
• Largely cognitive based
• Primary burden placed on the counselor as facilitator and educator
• Forgiveness seen as an act of the will by the client and a deliberate
decision to work through emotions and have mutual respect for
the other person
• Does not necessarily have to involve the offender but seen as more
successful if it does involve the offender
• Two phases:
• 1) Psyhoeducation
Intentional Forgiving
• Phase One: Psychoeducation
• Considered the preliminary work
• Counselor responsible for setting the client up and assisting
him/her in understanding the work of forgiveness
• Forgiveness framed as a choice
• Reconciliation seen as possible and intentional when it wound
be healthy
Intentional Forgiving
Steps of Phase One:
• 1) Teach client that forgiveness is a choice.
• 2) Frame as a process.
• 3) Assist the client in receiving the offense. Forgive because you
will remember the offense. Allow and facilitate grief and
mourning.
• 4) Forgive for yourself, not the offender.
• 5) Help the client conceptualize forgiveness in light of both mercy
and justice.
• 6) Help client understanding and differentiate between the intent
of a person and his/her actions and to consider possible positive
intent.
• 7) Help the client permit the re-evaluation and modification of
relationship when necessary.
Intentional Forgiving Continued:
Face To Face Interactions With The Offender
Steps of Phase Two:
• 1) can be phone call or letter or in person
• 2) not for use with possible re-offenders
• 3) not for use if offender does not seem to buy into tenants
of intentional forgiveness
• 4) use body language and positioning- facing each other,
open posture, welcoming facial expressions, and calm open
tones of voice
• 5) assist the client in naming the offender’s behavior while
assisting the offender in listening (do not allow for excuses)
• 6) be directive toward the client’s engaging the offender’s
care, concern, and loving expression toward the client
• 7) help the offender ask forgiveness directly
• 8) help the client respond specifically by offering forgiveness
• 9) teach less defensive ways of communication between the
two parties (e.g. I statements)
• 10) use therapeutic touch and positioning between the
parties when appropriate to affirm closeness again and
openness to redeveloping sense of “us”
Enright & Fitzgibbons
Studies: Process Model
• Four stages of forgiveness:
•
•
•
•
1) Uncovering
2) Decision
3) Work
4) Outcome
• Uncovering- explore past grievances and areas that need forgiveness,
regrets, and disappointments
• Decisions- Examine the consequences of holding on to past hurts versus
letting them go
• Work stage- Helping process with the client the thoughts, feelings, and
images regarding forgiveness of the key issue(s)
• Outcome- Create a ritual between the client and other for providing closure
to this process and plan for dealing with things from here
General Findings: Process-Based
Theories
• Earlier stages in most developmental theories= cognitive
focused but advanced stages of forgiveness require empathy
and emotion-based techniques.
• Meta-Analysis Studies
• Strictly cognitive (decision based and will power enhancing)
approaches are not enough and did not produce authentic
forgiveness or maintain gains in the long term. However,
process-based techniques (both individuals and group)
showed extremely large effect sizes in meta-analysis studies.
Need for techniques combining cognitive and
affective/emotive techniques.
• Systems theories also facilitated forgiveness and showed
greater outcomes, likely related to the degree of perspective
taking incorporated.
Clinical Issues: Forgiveness With
Children
• 1) Feelings Faces
• identifying feelings
• play therapies- drawing self- highlighting where angry, anxious
fearful,etc.
• normalizing (work with collateral sources)
• expressing feelings in appropriate ways
• (e.g. “I Messages”)
• behavioral therapies
• 2) Feelings Box
• special place for kids to put feelings and concerns in and then
discuss in therapy
Clinical Issues:Forgiveness With
Children
• 3) Behavioral relaxation for physical tensions
• 4) Mutual Storytelling- Help child to tell story with the characters
and feelings but reframe as ongoing as still shaped by certain
factors in child’s control, writing book of techniques learned in
counseling
• 4) Sentence completion exercises re. worries, fears, wishes, etc.
then use cognitive-behavioral to process through
Clinical Christian & Pastoral Counseling
Approaches
• Pierre Balthasar (2007):
• Father Images and God Images
• Those with inadequate father/parental/guardian images
sruggled with the God aspect of forgiveness and
believing that they could hand over control to someone
who would be just, caring, and merciful.
• Highlights importance of context in therapy
• Incorporate family systems and healing of childhood
wounds in therapy for these individuals (e.g. LSQ)
The Core Issue: Differentiation
Hill, W.E., Hasty, C., And Moore, C. J. ( 2011 )
• Differentiation:
• The ability to connect with others without being emotionally too
reactive or defensive
• Connection with self regulation (no extremes of accommodating or
disconnecting- codependency)
• Interdependence
• Placing situations in context
• Not taking everything personally
• Ability to tolerate ambiguity
• Forgiveness as process
• Humility and brokenness with empathy for the offender
• Predictive of less anxiety and depression, less psychological problems
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