Children and Grief
Navigating the Challenges
Presented by:
Stacy Baranowski
Eucalyptus Tree Program Coordinator
Cedar Valley Hospice
Making Each Moment Matter
Kids: What do they know?
Only what we tell them.
They imagine the rest.
Making Each Moment Matter
Age: Under 2 Years
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Can sense that something is different
Will seek regular caregivers
Does not yet understand what death is
Probably won’t remember the deceased
Needs a lot of nonverbal communication (hugs,
smiles, rocking, etc.)
Indicators: fussiness, clinginess, regression
Making Each Moment Matter
Age: 3 – 5 Years
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See death as temporary
Have difficulty with spiritual concepts
Feels sadness in spurts
May substitute attachments
Need routine and structure; normalcy
Indicators: regression, nightmares, aggression, noncompliance
Making Each Moment Matter
Age: 5 – 9 Years
• Begin to understand that death is final and
permanent
• Begins to fear self or others dying
• May feel guilt or blame self for death
• May substitute attachments
• Need routine and structure; normalcy
Indicators: compulsive care giving, aggression,
possessiveness, regression, headaches,
stomachaches, phobias
Making Each Moment Matter
Age: 10 -12 Years
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Recognizes death as final and irreversible
May view death as punishment
Often curious about the gory details
May come up with personal theories
Have practical questions about body, funeral,
burial, etc.
Indicators: aggression, possessiveness, headaches,
stomachaches, phobias, defiance
Making Each Moment Matter
Age: 13 – 18 Years
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Nearing adult level of understanding
May worry or think about own death
Avoid discussions of death
Fears “looking different”
May question spiritual training and beliefs
Often angry at the deceased
Indicators: aggression, headaches, stomachaches,
phobia, increased risk taking, defiance, suicidal
ideation
Making Each Moment Matter
Forgotten Mourners
• Not always allowed participation in formal
grief rituals
• Adults consumed with personal grief
• Families protect young people from visits to
death bed, funeral and burial, disposal of
property
Prepared children are capable of making
decisions that work for them
Making Each Moment Matter
Magical Thinking
• A child’s logic is different
• Self-induced guilt and sense of responsibility
• Some guilt caused by belief they could “fix
things”
• May have a belief in evil forces
Kids need accurate and complete information.
Use language that is clear and concrete.
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Re-grieving
• Each new developmental stage may cause
upsurge
• Awareness of impact
• First time realization of finality
Needs include validation of normalcy and
entitlement, opportunities to talk
Making Each Moment Matter
Process in play
• Requires no verbal expertise
• Often seen playing the death event
• What looks morbid to us is processing for them
Kids need to PLAY, and may need to share
thoughts through play with adults
Making Each Moment Matter
Grief at School
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Difficulty concentrating and sitting still
May act out anger or guilt regarding the death
May make changes in school relationships
Looks like ADHD, beware of labels
Tell school about significant death 2 years out
School staff worried about retelling and calling
home
• Fear accommodations due to fairness,
manipulation
Making Each Moment Matter
Tasks of Grief for Kids
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Believe in the reality of the loss
Experience the pain
Adjust to changes
Remember and find new normal
This model is one of many models for grief. The
Eucalyptus Tree supports the suggestion that
children are empowered by moving forward to
work toward healing.
Making Each Moment Matter
How can we help?
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Information sharing is key
Let them tell you what they need
Listen to what they say
Include them
Allow control with reasonable limits
Share your own feelings with them
Making Each Moment Matter
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Making Each Moment Matter