CIOH Meeting Jun.5,2010
• All couples experience frustrating events, they
all have different issues
• Although triggered by an event, most conflicts
are caused by an issue
• An example for issues are money,
communication, children and control
• Couples do not usually argue about issue but
about daily events, Example: “why did you talk
to me in this manner", "How come you did not
do grocery shopping this week?”
• Instead of taking the time to find out what
the issue is and discuss it. Many couples focus
only on the triggering events.
• Events tend to come up in the wrong time,
when your coming back home after a tiring
long working day, when you are trying to get
everyone ready to go to church, when the
kids are fighting, when friends are coming
over, etc
• Sarah was so excited to come home from the
mall to show her husband Jack the new pair of
pants she just bought.
• Jack was happy about the pants till the moment
she mentioned how much she paid for them.
• Knowing that she spent a $120 to buy a pair of
pants, Jack started an argument about it that
turned into a fight for the rest of the night
• What is the event and where is the issue?
• The event was buying new pair of paints
while the issue was money spending.
• Do not try to deal with important issues only
in the context of triggering events. It is wiser
to discuss the issue at a later date
• Ecclesiastes 3: 1,7
• ‫لكل شيء زمان ولكل امر تحت السموات وقت‬
• .‫للسكوت وقت وللتكلم وقت‬
• Hidden issues are deeper issues that usually
not known and lie behind many known issues
and triggering events
• Power, caring , recognition and commitment
are examples of hidden issues
• Last week Sarah had a big fight with Jack her
husband about a contactor he decided to use
to do some renovations in the house’s
basement.
• That is the event, what do you think the issue
is?
‫‪• This issue is explained in the Epistle of St.‬‬
‫‪James 4:1-3‬‬
‫‪ 1‬من اين الحروب والخصومات بينكم اليست من هنا من •‬
‫لذاتكم المحاربة في اعضائكم‪ 2 .‬تشتهون ولستم‬
‫تمتلكون‪.‬تقتلون وتحسدون ولستم تقدرون ان‬
‫تنالوا‪.‬تخاصمون وتحاربون ولستم تمتلكون النكم ال‬
‫تطلبون‪ 3 .‬تطلبون ولستم تاخذون النكم تطلبون رديا لكي‬
‫تنفقوا في لذاتكم‬
• You feel like the other spouse is trying to
control you and to direct you to live in a
certain way
• People who have experienced a very
controlling authority figure in their past
(usually a parent) are usually hypersensitive
about being controlled. They tend to mistrust
their spouses and wrongly assume that their
spouses aim to control them
• Working together as a team is the best
solution to the control battle
• Control and power arguments reflects
selfishness, teamwork reflects love and
humanity.
• Peter and Maria had an argument last night about
Peter’s shirts that were not ironed for the last 3 weeks
• Since the beginning of their relationship Peter and
Maria agreed that he would put out the garbage and
she would iron his shirts every week
• When peter’s mom came for a visit she noticed his
complains about the shirts and started doing them
herself
• What is the issue here?
• Peter felt that Maria does not care about his
needs and his mom is more concerned about
him than her.
• To solve the caring issue it needs to be
discussed openly .
• Robert always complain that his wife Hilda
does not appreciate how hard he works to
earn income for the family
• Hilda says that he is the one who does not
appreciate the huge work I do to keep this
house running.
• What issue is involved here?
‫‪• This issue was raised between the disciples of‬‬
‫‪Our Lord Jesus Christ,‬‬
‫‪• Mathew 20:20-21‬‬
‫‪ 20‬حينئذ تقدمت اليه ام ابني زبدي مع ابنيها وسجدت •‬
‫وطلبت منه شيئا‪ 21 .‬فقال لها ماذا تريدين‪.‬قالت له قل ان‬
‫يجلس ابناي هذان واحد عن يمينك واالخر عن اليسار في‬
‫ملكوتك‪.‬‬
• How did our Lord solve this issue?
• Mathew 20:26-27
• ‫بل من اراد ان يكون فيكم عظيما فليكن لكم‬.‫ فال يكون هكذا فيكم‬26
‫ كما ان‬28 .‫ ومن اراد ان يكون فيكم اوال فليكن لكم عبدا‬27 .‫خادما‬
‫ابن االنسان لم يات ليخدم بل ليخدم وليبذل نفسه فدية عن كثيرين‬
• To solve this issue, Our Lord advised His disciples to
focus more on serving one another.
• One of the best ways to serve your mate is to
recognize his or her contributions to your marriage
• A huge argument started between Jim and
Rebecca when she tried to discuss with him
the matter of opening her separate bank
account
• Before their divorce each one of Robert
parents had his own separate bank account
• What kind of issue that caused Robert to be
ignited?
• The Oneness that God planned for marriage is a
oneness of permanence not because God wants
to put restrictions on us but because He cares
about our need to have a secure relationship in
marriage
• Mathew 19:5,9
• ‫ فاجاب وقال لهم اما قراتم ان الذي خلق من البدء خلقهما‬4
‫من اجل هذا يترك الرجل اباه وامه ويلتصق‬.‫ وقال‬5 ‫ذكرا وانثى‬
‫ اذا ليسا بعد اثنين بل‬6 .‫بامراته ويكون االثنان جسدا واحدا‬
.‫فالذي جمعه هللا ال يفرقه انسان‬.‫جسد واحد‬
• The focus of this issue is on long term security
of the relationship
• The big hidden question that accompany that
issue is “Are you going to stay with me?”
• People who had past experiences of divorce
or separation in their pasts, struggle more
with the fear about commitment
• “You just do not care” Lillie accused Ted when
he forgot to drop by the store to buy bread
for the kids lunch of the following day
• Ted feeling insulted at her calling him
uncaring and inconsiderate to her needs, had
to fight back accusing her of being lazy and
passing her regular duties to him.
• What kind of hidden issue lies underneath
this fight?
• This issue was also addressed by St. Paul in 1
Corinthians 13:
• Love does not judge thoughts or motives 1
Corinthians 13: 3-5
• ‫ وال تفرح باالثم بل تفرح بالحق‬6 ‫وال تحتد وال تظن السوء‬
‫ وتحتمل كل شيء وتصدق كل شيء‬7
• A person could feel so upset when his/her
spouse question your feelings or motives
• It is not wise to argue about what your
partner really think, feels or intends