CHAPTER 4
Revising
Business
Messages
Instructor Only Version
© 2010 Thomson South-Western
The Writing Process
MaryMary
EllenEllen
Guffey,
Guffey,
Essentials
Essentials
of Business
of Business
Communication,
Communication,
8e 8e
Chapter 4,
1, Slide 2
Revising
Improving content and
sentence structure
May involve adding,
cutting, and recasting.
Proofreading
Correcting grammar,
spelling, punctuation,
format, and mechanics
MaryMary
EllenEllen
Guffey,
Guffey,
Essentials
Essentials
of Business
of Business
Communication,
Communication,
8e 8e
Chapter 4,
1, Slide 3
Memo Revised for Conciseness
MaryMary
EllenEllen
Guffey,
Guffey,
Essentials
Essentials
of Business
of Business
Communication,
Communication,
8e 8e
Chapter 4,
1, Slide 4
Concise Wording
Revise your messages to eliminate flabby
expressions.
Instead of this
Try this
We are of the opinion that
We think
Please feel free to
Please
In addition to the above
Also
At this point in time
Now
Despite the fact that
Although
Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 8e
Chapter 4, Slide 5
Limit Long Lead-Ins
Instead of this
Try this
This memo is to inform
you that all employees
meet today.
All employees
meet today.
I am writing this letter
to say thanks to
everyone who voted.
Thanks to
everyone who
voted.
Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 8e
Chapter 4, Slide 6
Drop Unnecessary Fillers
Revise sentences to avoid fillers such as there
is/was and it is/was when used merely to take
up space.
Instead of this
Try this
There was only one
employees who should
be promoted.
It was Lisa and Jeff
who were honored.
Only one employee
should be promoted.
Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 8e
Lisa and Jeff were
honored.
Chapter 4, Slide 7
Revise the following sentences to avoid flabby
expressions, long lead-ins, and unnecessary
there is/it is fillers.
This e-mail message is to
inform you that there is a
new health benefit plan
available for employees.
A new health benefit
plan is available for
employees.
Quick
Check
We probably will
I would like to take this
opportunity to inform
everyone that in all
probability we expect to win
the contract.
MaryMary
EllenEllen
Guffey,
Guffey,
Essentials
Essentials
of Business
of Business
Communication,
Communication,
8e 8e
win the contract.
Chapter 4,
1, Slide 8
Revise the following sentences to achieve
conciseness.
In addition to the above,
there are contracts that are
attached hereto.
Two contracts are
also attached.
company intranet, please
feel free to call whenever
necessary.
on the company
intranet, please call
whenever necessary.
Quick
Despite the fact that most
Although most
Check
information is posted on the information is posted
MaryMary
EllenEllen
Guffey,
Guffey,
Essentials
Essentials
of Business
of Business
Communication,
Communication,
8e 8e
Chapter 4,
1, Slide 9
Remove Redundant Words
Avoid unnecessarily repetitious words. What
words could be omitted in these expressions?
advance warning
close proximity
exactly identical
filled to capacity
final outcome
necessary requisite
new beginning
past history
refer back
serious danger
Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 8e
Chapter 4, Slide 10
Remove Redundant Words
Avoid unnecessarily repetitious words. What
words could be omitted in these expressions?
advance warning
close proximity
exactly identical
filled to capacity
final outcome
necessary requisite
new beginning
past history
refer back
serious danger
Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 8e
Chapter 4, Slide 11
Dump Trite Expressions
Trite and Outdated
Modern
as per your request
at your request
pursuant to your request
at your request
attached hereto
attached
under separate cover
separately
Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 8e
Chapter 4, Slide 12
Jargon
Avoid technical terms and special terminology
that readers would not recognize.
Computer Jargon
queue
Alternative
export
transfer data from one
program to another
bandwidth
Internet capacity
list of documents
waiting to be printed
Is jargon ever permissible?
Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 8e
Chapter 4, Slide 13
Slang
Avoid slang (informal expressions with
arbitrary or extravagantly changed meanings).
to “bag on”
to tease, to nag, or to
complain
clueless
turkey
unaware, naïve
someone stupid or silly
relax
chill/chill out
Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 8e
Chapter 4, Slide 14
Slang
An example from the world of Dilbert:
Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 8e
Chapter 4, Slide 15
Clichés
Avoid clichés (overused expressions).
Substitute more precise words.
Instead of this
Try this
Last but not least, you
should keep your nose
to the grindstone.
Finally, you should
work diligently.
We had reached the
end of our rope.
We could go no
further.
Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 8e
Chapter 4, Slide 16
Revise the following sentences to avoid
redundancies, trite business expressions,
jargon, and slang.
Last but not least, the
attorney referred back to an
exactly identical case.
Finally, the attorney
referred to an
identical case.
Quick
Check
With a little advance
With warning, we
warning, we could have sold could have sold out
out before our stocks tanked. before our stocks hit
bottom.
MaryMary
EllenEllen
Guffey,
Guffey,
Essentials
Essentials
of Business
of Business
Communication,
Communication,
8e 8e
Chapter 4,
1, Slide 17
Revise the following sentences to avoid
redundancies, trite business expressions,
jargon, and slang.
Ms. Miller, who shoots
straight from the shoulder,
demanded final completion
by January 1.
Ms. Miller, who is
straightforward,
demanded
completion by
January 1.
Pursuant to your request,
As you requested, a
enclosed please find a check check for $150 is
for $150.
enclosed.
MaryMary
EllenEllen
Guffey,
Guffey,
Essentials
Essentials
of Business
of Business
Communication,
Communication,
8e 8e
Chapter 4,
1, Slide 18
Buried Verbs
Revise verbs that have been converted to
nouns.
Tip
Look for words ending in
tion or ment. Could they
be more efficiently and
forcefully converted to verbs?
Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 8e
Chapter 4, Slide 19
Buried Verbs
Instead of this
Try this
The manager came to
the realization that
telecommuting made
sense.
The manager
realized that
telecommuting
made sense.
A job seeker must
make application
before May 1.
A job seeker must
apply before
May 1.
Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 8e
Chapter 4, Slide 20
Buried Verbs
Instead of this
Try this
Once we have the
establishment of a
Web site, our
business will grow.
Once we
establish a Web
site, our business
will grow.
Please give serious
consideration to a
company intranet.
Please seriously
consider a
company intranet.
Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 8e
Chapter 4, Slide 21
Control Exuberance
To sound credible, don’t overuse intensifiers
such as very, definitely, quite, completely,
extremely, really, actually, and totally
Excessive
Businesslike
The manager is actually
quite pleased with your
proposal because the
plan is definitely
workable.
The manager is
pleased with your
proposal because
the plan is workable.
Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 8e
Chapter 4, Slide 22
Precise Words
Revise your writing to include precise words.
Strive for specific verbs, concrete nouns, and
vivid adjectives. Beware of unclear pronouns.
Unclear
More Precise
The man asked
for a raise.
Jeff Jones asked for a 10
percent salary increase.
An employee
presented a
proposal.
Kelly Keeler, production
manager, presented a plan
to stagger hours.
Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 8e
Chapter 4, Slide 23
Precise Words
Revise your writing to include descriptive,
dynamic adjectives instead of overworked,
all-purpose ones.
Instead of this
Try this
They thought her
report was good.
The management council
thought Erin’s report was
factual and well written.
She said she would
get in touch.
Sheila said she would
send you an e-mail.
Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 8e
Chapter 4, Slide 24
In the following sentences, unbury verbs and
control exuberance.
The seller said he definitely
would contact you.
The seller promised
to e-mail (telephone
or fax) you.
Quick
Check
We must give
We must encourage
encouragement to our team. our team.
MaryMary
EllenEllen
Guffey,
Guffey,
Essentials
Essentials
of Business
of Business
Communication,
Communication,
8e 8e
Chapter 4,
1, Slide 25
In the following sentences, unbury verbs and
control exuberance.
Moviegoers actually show a
total preference for buttered
popcorn.
Moviegoers prefer
buttered popcorn.
Please make an assessment Please assess the
of the home’s value.
home’s value.
Ann made a suggestion that
we hire Lee.
MaryMary
EllenEllen
Guffey,
Guffey,
Essentials
Essentials
of Business
of Business
Communication,
Communication,
8e 8e
Ann suggested that
we hire Lee.
Chapter 4,
1, Slide 26
Designing Documents for
Readability
Employ white space.
 Headings
 Short paragraphs
 Ragged-right margins
Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 8e
Chapter 4, Slide 27
Designing Documents for
Readability
Choose appropriate typefaces.
Serif typefaces have small features at ends
of strokes. Useful for body text.
Times New Roman
Century
Georgia
Garamond
Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 8e
Chapter 4, Slide 28
Designing Documents for
Readability
Choose appropriate typefaces.
Sans serif typefaces are cleaner without
features. Useful for headings, signs, and
noncontinuous reading material.
Arial
Tahoma
Verdana
Calibri
Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 8e
Chapter 4, Slide 29
Designing Documents for
Readability
Use bulleted and numbered lists.
 Break up complex information into smaller
chunks.
 Use numbered lists for sequences.
 Use bulleted lists for items that don’t
require a certain order.
Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 8e
Chapter 4, Slide 30
Designing Documents for
Readability
Use a numbered list for instructions.
Instead of this
Try this
To clean the printer, you
should do the following.
First, you should
disconnect the power
cord. Then you open the
front cover, and the
printer area should be
cleaned with a soft cloth.
To clean the printer, do
the following:
1. Disconnect the power
cord.
2. Open the front cover.
3. Clean the printer with
a soft cloth.
Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 8e
Chapter 4, Slide 31
Designing Documents for
Readability
Organize information with column headings.
Instead of this
Try this
On April 3 we will be in
Toledo, and the speaker
is Troy Lee. On May 20
we will be in Detroit, and
the speaker is Sue Wu.
Date
City
Speaker
April 3 Toledo Troy Lee
May 20 Detroit Sue Wu
Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 8e
Chapter 4, Slide 32
Designing Documents for
Readability
Use letters to list items within sentences.
Strive for parallelism.
Instead of this
Try this
Our team constantly tries
to achieve our goals,
customer service must be
improved, and our
production targets must
be met.
Our team constantly tries
to (a) achieve our goals,
(b) improve customer
service, and (c) hit our
production targets.
Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 8e
Chapter 4, Slide 33
Designing Documents for
Readability
Use paragraph headings to improve
organization and readability.
Instead of this
Try this
The next topic is
vacations. A new vacation
schedule will be available
on May 1.
To assist employees, we
will begin a flex schedule
in the fall.
Vacations. A new vacation
schedule will be available
on May 1.
Flextime. To assist
employees, we will begin a
flex schedule in the fall.
Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 8e
Chapter 4, Slide 34
Arrange the following in a concise, bulleted
vertical list.
In the next training
The next training session
session, the trainer will will demonstrate
demonstrate how to
•
Creating podcasts
create podcasts, how to
• Sharing multiple
share multiple
programs
programs, and how to
•
Maintaining an Internet
maintain an Internet
directory.
directory.
Quick
Check
MaryMary
EllenEllen
Guffey,
Guffey,
Essentials
Essentials
of Business
of Business
Communication,
Communication,
8e 8e
Chapter 4,
1, Slide 35
Improve the readability of the following
instructions that will become part of a
student’s employment booklet.
In preparing for an employment You can prepare for
interview, you should begin by interviews by doing the
studying the job description.
following:
Itemizing your most strategic
• Study the job description.
skills and qualifications is also • Itemize your most
important. Giving responses in
strategic skills and
a mock interview is another
qualifications.
good practice technique. Last, • Practice giving responses
you should be prepared to ask
in a mock interview.
relevant questions.
Quick
Check
MaryMary
EllenEllen
Guffey,
Guffey,
Essentials
Essentials
of Business
of Business
Communication,
Communication,
8e 8e
Chapter 4,
1, Slide 36
What to Watch for
in Proofreading
 Spelling
 Grammar
© ISTOCKPHOTO.COM / DMITRY SHIRONOSOV
 Punctuation
 Names and numbers
 Format
Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 8e
Chapter 4, Slide 37
Proofreading Marks
Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 8e
Chapter 4, Slide 38
MaryMary
EllenEllen
Guffey,
Guffey,
Essentials
Essentials
of Business
of Business
Communication,
Communication,
8e 8e
Chapter 4,
1, Slide 39
How to Proofread
Complex Documents




Allow adequate time.
Print a copy, preferably double-spaced.
Be prepared to find errors.
Read once for meaning and once for
grammar/mechanics.
 Reduce your reading speed.
Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 8e
Chapter 4, Slide 40
How to Proofread
Complex Documents
For documents that must be perfect:
 Have someone read aloud the original
while someone else checks the printout.
 Spell names.
 Spell difficult words.
 Note capitalization.
 Note punctuation.
Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 8e
Chapter 4, Slide 41
END
Instructor Only Version
© 2010 Thomson South-Western