9 Things Every Spouse Should Know
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What ignited your interest when you first met
The importance of looking into her eyes
when listening
The importance of courtship after marriage
The simple intimacy of holding hands
Unexpected gifts can bring great pleasure
How to say “I’m Sorry”
The Value of a hug
The triggers that hurt feelings
That your spouse is priceless
Studies Show:
Successful & healthy marriages
grow together, sharing feelings,
ideas & goals; the reverse
happens in unhealthy marriageswhere spouses avoid
conversations for fear of
confrontation
1.Fight
Tools
Towards
Intimacy
The only way
to intimacy is
through
conflict
Is there unresolved
conflict in your
marriage that can be
used as a bridge to
intimacy?
What’s stopping you
from doing it?
Avoiding Explosive Patterns of Relating
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Do I want to hurt or put this person
down?
Do I want to win this person over?
Do I want to establish who’s right &
who’s wrong?
Do I want to make this person feel
guilty/bad?
Do I want to unload bad feelings from
the past on this person?
1.Fight
2.Create
Safety
Tools
Towards
Intimacy
The Issue of Safety:
Confidentiality
Protect
boundaries
Listening beyond
words
Relational Skills of warmth, empathy,
genuineness
Be fully present
Be motivated out of
love
Accurate
information
Prayer
Seek understanding
3.Play
2.Create
Safety
1.Fight
Tools
Towards
Intimacy
Recreation & Companionship
are Important to Both…
What is a “best friend?”
What attracted you to each other in the
beginning?
What do you enjoy doing together?
How much time do you spend laughing
together?
When is the last time you had a play date?
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Creating Intimacy Through
Play…
Do things together
Enter each other’s world
Be a safe person to the other
Create “benchmark times”
(“check-in’s”)
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3.Play
2.Create
Safety
1.Fight
Tools
Towards
Intimacy
4.Value
6 Steps to Helping Your Spouse
Feel Special & Loved:
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Let memories be your guide
Create traditions and special times
Don’t miss significant occasions
Be demonstrative with love (secure &
appreciated spouses are rarely demanding)
Build up- don’t chip away your spouse
(praise deficit)
Accept spouse for who he/she is not who you
want them to be
3.Play
2.Create
Safety
1.Fight
Tools
Towards
Intimacy
5.Love
4.Value
Ephesians 5: 21-28
...And you husbands must love your
wives with the same love Christ showed
the church.
He gave up his life for her to make her
holy and clean, washed by baptism and God’s
word. He did this to present her to himself as
a glorious church without spot or wrinkle or
any other blemish. In the same way husbands
ought to love their wives as they love their
own bodies. For a man is actually loving
himself when he loves his wife.
What does Christ’s love of the
Church look like?
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Died for her and makes her whole
Looks out for her growth & best interests
Provides resources for growth
Protects her from the world
Helps her to invest talents
Heals hurts
Takes her suffering on himself
Supports her in trials
Comes alongside her when she falls
In Order to Love (intimately)
One Another You Must...
Know each other’s heart…
interests, passions, desires,
hopes, fears, longings,
dreams…
Do You?
Husbands think for a moment…Do you
know her favorite:
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Vacation Place
Movie
Restaurant
TV Show
Kind of Novel
Way of Relaxing
Way of Working/Doing Tasks
Way of celebrating something special
Way of Receiving Love and Giving Love?
Way of Being Approached for Sex?
Wives- Do You Know:
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His Favorite Food/Restaurant
How He Has Fun
What Makes Him Feel Good About
Himself
How He Would Prefer to Spend Some
Extra Money
How He Handles Stress
How He Feels Respect From You
When He Needs Your Help
How He Would Prefer Your Love Life
How can we love like Christ loves,
mutually submit to each other, lead
like Christ led, truly be united as one
if we cannot answer simple questions
about our spouse’s preferences in the
little things…
WE CAN’T- Get Behind Each Other’s Eyes
to Really See the World as Your Spouse
Does…Then We Can Better Love our
Spouses as God Calls us to
Men: How Are You Doing at Loving
Your Wife?
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Have you left father & mother & bonded with
her?
Do you see wife as one with you in every
phase of life?
Are you loving as Christ loves the church?
Do you often sacrifice your own interests for
your wife’s well-being?
Do you tell her you love her?
Do you talk about spiritual matters- pray
often for her and with her?
Women: How Are You Doing at Loving
Your Husband?
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Have you left father & mother and formed
identity with your husband?
Do you avoid using sex as a weapon to get
your way?
Do you show respect for your husband in
attitude & actions?
Do you do the little things that please him?
Do you see yourself as a spiritual companionpraying for and with your husband?
Men= Intimacy=
S-E-X
Women= Intimacy=
T-A-L-K
Understand your husbands need
for sexual intimacy: a husband...
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Needs his wife to initiate sex
often struggles with feelings of inadequacy
& failure
gets discouraged when a wife does not
express passion for him
feels as if he is not important to his wife if
she does not take time to make love to him
feels loved when his wife receives and
responds to him sexually
When your husband’s need for
sexual intimacy is not met...
he feels rejected as a person
 he shuts down or goes away
 he looks elsewhere to get his
needs met
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Understand your wife’s need for
emotional intimacy: your wife...
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Needs to experience emotional
closeness
needs to feel listened to & understood
needs to feel as if she is your top
account- valuable to you- a cut above
needs your undivided attention
needs you to demonstrate your respect
for her as a person
When your wife’s need for sexual
intimacy is not met...
She will withdraw
 She will not feel free to
respond to you sexually
 She may look elsewhere to
get her needs met
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What can you do?
3.Play
2.Create
Safety
1.Fight
Tools
Towards
Intimacy
5.Love
4.Value
6.Listen
How can does your
spouse say “I love
you?”
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Listen for the love language of
the other… what is it?
Learn to understand the
“foreign” language
Appreciate the language for it’s
intent
Discuss the differences together
3.Play
2.Create
Safety
1.Fight
Tools
Towards
Intimacy
5.Love
4.Value
7.Meet
Needs
6.Listen
Why Should we Meet Needs?
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It is a part of keeping vows
God calls us to do it (as a part of
the special love we have for a
spouse)
Results in a great marriage
By denying the other’s
needs- it could cost you your
marriage!
Top 5 Love Needs of
women
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Unconditional Love
& Acceptance
Emotional Intimacy
& Communication
(equals intimacy)
Spiritual Intimacy
Encouragement &
Affirmation
Companionship
Men
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Unconditional Love
& Acceptance
Sexual Intimacy
(equals intimacy)
Companionship
Encouragement &
Affirmation
Spiritual Intimacy
How Committed are you to
Meeting your Spouse’s Needs?
In the next 2 days- discuss
your love needs with each
other- what are the top 5?
What can you do to better
meet them?
What can you do?
Get help if you need…
see a marriage
counselor… go to
marriage retreatsseminars...
3.Play
2.Create
Safety
1.Fight
Tools
Towards
Intimacy
5.Love
4.Value
7.Meet
Needs
6.Listen