Welcome! Maybe you’ve been in a panto with us before,
maybe you’re completely new, but you’ve found yourself
with the audition pack for this year’s exciting production
of Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs in your hands! So
have a read through, find a character or three you’d like
to try out and then come along to our auditions on
Thursday 3rd September or Sunday 6th September (full
details are on the Crowborough Players website –
www.thecrowplayers.com).
If you’re not interested in acting, but fancy helping out
behind the scenes, making set and crewing, do come
along on those dates too.
We hope to see you very soon!
The 2015 Pantomime Team
1
Quick Character List – adults (over-12s)
1. Evil Queen Calumnia – Snow White’s stepmother
2. Lady, Courtier, Maid, Footman, Servant – the
panto villagers
3. King – Snow White’s father
4. Magic Mirror – Calumnia’s magic mirror
5. Dilly and Dally – the Dames!
6. Roland Butter – the palace’s French chef
7. Huntsman – sent to kill Snow White
8. Snow White – the princess of our story
9. The Seven Dwarfs – Doc, Grumpy, Sneezy,
Happy, Bashful, Dopey and Sleepy
10. Asprinius – the court chemist/magician/mad
scientist
11. Scoutmaster – the master of some scouts
12. Prince Godwin – betrothed to Snow White
13. Edmund – Snow White’s brother/surprise eighth
dwarf
14. Queen Serena – Snow White’s real mother
For the under-12s (or under-18s who don’t want one of
the parts above) – managed by What You Will Theatre
1. Elves and Fairies
2. Forest Animals
3. Scouts
For more detailed profiles, see below…
2
Queen Calumnia
Snow White’s evil stepmother is narcissistic and power
hungry. She casts a spell over the King, Snow White’s father,
to force him to marry her so that she becomes Queen. For
many years she has been the fairest in all the land, until one
day Snow White is deemed more beautiful than her. Upon
hearing this in her magic mirror, the Queen is outraged and
seeks to destroy Snow White forever.
Requirements




Female
Playing age of around 30, actor needs to be
convincingly able to portray this!
Strong, confident singer. Has a solo which opens the
show.
This is a main part with lots of lines! It will require
hard work!
3
Courtier, the Lady, the Maid, the servant and the
footman
These are the classic panto villagers, each with a few lines.
These are the only villagers with written lines, but there are
lots of other villagers in several scenes.
Requirements


Male OR Female
Over 12
4
The King, Snow White’s father
The King dotes on his daughter Snow White, but has
been cast under a spell by his evil wife, Snow White’s
stepmother. This has badly affected his memory, so he
loses track of where he is! He also has rather terrible
eyesight… The King bumbles his way through the plot
until the spell is lifted.
Requirements




Playing age of around 40 or older so must be
able to convincingly play this age!
Main character – has lots of lines!
Male
Over 12
5
The Magic Mirror
The magic mirror speaks mostly in rhyme and has the ability
to tell who is the fairest in all the land. The mirror displeases
Queen Calumnia when it tells her that Snow White is the
fairest in all the land.
Requirements


Male or female
Over 12
6
Dilly and Dally
This panto has two dames (as if one isn’t enough!) who are a
double act. Dilly and Dally look after Snow White. They
don’t have quite as many lines as the dames in previous
pantos, but are definitely still main characters. They have a
little sing-song and lead Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes and
Oh When The Saints, but you don’t need to be a good singer
for this!
Requirements



Male
Playing age of about 30
Main character – has lots of lines
7
Roland Butter (the palace chef)
Roland Butter is a French chef who works in the palace kitchen for the King
and Queen. He is a comedy part with a few lines – a sort of cameo role.
Requirements



Male or female
Playing age of around 25
Good (or hilariously bad!) French accent
8
The Huntsman
The huntsman is a vegetarian and is terrified of blood, the
Queen and well, everything really! He never shoots animals
but supplies the palace with meat from the butchers. The
Queen asks him to kill Snow White and bring back her heart.
He is unable to do this and instead sends Snow White deep
into the forest.
Requirements



Male
Playing age of 15 or over
Main character – will be lots of hard work.
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The Seven Dwarfs – Doc, Grumpy, Bashful, Sleepy, Dopey,
Happy and Sneezy
The actors for these roles will be on their knees, wearing
knee protection for comfort. If you have a knee or other
physical impairment then this might not be the role for you.
Please think about this aspect before you audition. The
seven dwarfs are a fundamental part of the show and have
lots of lines and scenes throughout the performance. Each
of the seven dwarfs has a specific personality to be portrayed
- as their names suggest.
Requirements

Can be male or female

Casting age – 12 and over

These parts have two song and simple dance routines
10
Asprinius
Asprinius is a Merlin-like character, with a hint of mad
scientist. He’s a genius, always thinking up new potions and
poisons, but he tends to bumble around a lot and often ends
up on fire! It’s not a big role, but Asprinius has a reasonable
number of lines and is important to the plot.
Requirements

Male or Female

Casting age - probably an adult
11
Scout Master
The scout master leads on a troop of scouts who are
generally misbehaving and poorly organised and not listening
to what they are told to do – your general scouting group! It
is an opportunity for some comedy. This role would work
well for a younger person who is confident and can act
bossy! It would work equally well for an adult.
Requirements

Male or female

Casting age – 12 and over
12
Prince Godwin
The Prince is betrothed to Snow White, and it is his kiss that
wakes her from the deep sleep that her stepmother puts her
into. The Prince is dashing and handsome – the hero of our
panto! The Prince does not have very many lines, but is an
important character who gets to marry Snow White.
Requirements

Male, but could be a female!

Acting age – 16 and over
13
Edmund
Edmund is the surprise eighth dwarf! This is a small role and
he comes on late into the performance, but it’s an
opportunity for lots of comedy! Edmund is also Snow
White’s long lost brother! Edmund doesn’t have many lines,
but again is important to the performance. A good cameo
role! This dwarf stands up, and will not performing be on
their knees.
Requirements

Male, but could be female

Acting age – likely to be an adult as they need to be
tall!
14
Queen Serena
This is a very small role with just two lines. Queen Serena is
the King’s real wife and Snow White’s mother. She comes on
at the very end of the performance. A good part if you want
an appearance in the panto, but don’t want lots of lines!
Requirements

Female

Acting age – 18 and over
15
Snow White
Snow White is the most beautiful girl in all the land. She is the panto
princess of our story. Because of her beauty the Queen (Snow White’s
stepmother wishes to get rid of her. Snow White is bubbly, kind and
loved by everyone. She is engaged to Prince Godwin.
Requirements


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Female
Over 12
Main Character – will be lots of hard work!
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Now, you’ve met the characters and
decided on a few that you’d like to play…
Here are the script extracts we will be
asking you to read at the auditions, if
you want to try out for an adult (over-12)
role. Have a read through and
familiarise yourself with the characters
and how they speak. Good luck and
have fun!
The kids’ parts will be auditioned
differently – so there is no need to read
through any lines before you come to the
auditions. These auditions will be a fun
drama workshop run by What You Will
Theatre.
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Characters – Calumnia, Maid, Dilly, Dally,
Roland Butter, Footman
CALUMNIA): Oh no…I was just fluttering my eyelids…..Of COURSE I rang you imbecile. See if you can do
something useful for once. Go and fetch that idiot
Huntsman here at once.
MAID): At once Your Highness. (She curtseys and exits).
CALUMNIA): Ooooh! I am beset by fools and
incompetents. I must cheer myself up. I know, I’ll go and
sack someone, foreclose a mortgage or three and shut
down the Crowborough Community Centre!
(She wraps her cloak around herself and exits singing
“If I can scalp somebody…as I go along……)
(Enter Dilly a Dame-like character).
DILLY): Oh! Hello, wonderful boys and girls! Ooh, what a
wonderful bunch you are. Here, I was going to save
these for later- but have some sweets! Now, I’ll be right
with you all, but we have some business to attend to
first… (Offstage) Hey! Now come along, come along
Dally, do. We promised dear Snow White that we
would make her a lovely birthday tea and we’ve hardly
done anything yet. It isn’t every day a girl is eighteen
you know.
(Enter Dally also a Dame figure. Either of these two can
be of either gender).
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DALLY): Oh Dilly dear, there you are. I’m all of a doohdah I really am. Queen Calumnia will be furious if she
finds out we’re doing a party for Snow White instead of
polishing her knick-knacks.
DILLY): I wouldn’t touch her knick-knacks with a barge
pole! Horrid woman!
(Dally grabs her arm and looks anxiously off left and
right).
DALLY): Oh Dilly, Dilly, don’t. If she hears you it’ll be the
last time you take part in the all-star Bingo….your
number will definitely be up!!!
DILLY): I don’t care. That woman is just so….so…..EVIL!
How can she be so unkind to our lovely Snow White and
her Dad? And she’s such a man-eater! Do you know,
when she was younger she used to chase after sailors so
much they gave her a nickname. They used to call her
“Mandy Lifeboats!!!”(She dabs her eyes with the hem
of her frock revealing the customary pantomime
bloomers). It just makes me so upset to think of that
creature as our dear King’s wife and Snow White’s stepmother.!
DALLY): Oh don’t Dilly, please; you’ll get me at it too!
(They both howl and dab at each other’s eyes,
revealing each other’s bloomers).
19
(Enter various members of the Palace Staff).
ROLAND BUTTER): (The Palace Chef): (He has a very
thick French accent): ‘Ello, ‘Ello……what is going on
here? What are all this noises? You have upset my
soufflé….it has collapsed and gone all limp and floppy! It
is lacking ze va va voom! (French laugh)
DILLY): (Clapping her hand over Dally’s mouth): Please,
please don’t say it dear. We’re in enough trouble as it is!
DALLY): Well, well, well…….If it isn’t Roland Butter the
Palace Chef. Do you know he still boasts that he taught
Gordon Ramsay?
DILLY): It’s true he did dear…but only to swear! Listen…I
thought that you were supposed to be helping us with
the food for Snow White’s party.
ROLAND): That is exactly what I was doing…until that
terrible noise collapsed me Cordon Bleus!!!
DILLY): Well…I like that! If you didn’t…….
MAID): Please, please…don’t let US quarrel. With times
as they are we must at least stick together.
DALLY): A bit like his Brussel’s Sprouts.
20
ROLAND): ‘Ow dare you Mademoiselle……My Brussels
are much admired in informed circles…..what have you
against my Brussels?
DILLY): Please dear…not in front of the children.
FOOTMAN): Talking of the children, isn’t it time you two
introduced yourselves properly to the nice boys and
girls?
DALLY): Oh dear, of course, we are quite forgetting our
manners. Come along Dilly dear, let us tell everyone
who we are………………….
SONG
ROLAND): Ah oui, magnifique, formidable! But this is
not getting the party ready for Snow White ees eet?
DALLY): For once you are quite right Roland. Now then
who did we tell to do what?
(They all start talking and arguing at once. Dilly and
Dally try to sort them out but with little success. In the
midst of all this enter the Huntsman clutching his head.
Try not to make him “Camp” but he is clearly a very
timid creature, the very antithesis of an archetypical
Huntsman”).
HUNTSMAN): Oooooooohhhhhhh!!! For goodness sake
you lot! King Dorcas insisted on firing his wretched gun
21
at something this morning………………..and it’s really
done me right up! I mean I don’t mind loading the
thing….but to go firing it…..really!
DILLY): Well, if it isn’t Buffalo Boris himself, our intrepid
Chief Huntsman.
DALLY): So it is. You haven’t been down in the larder
terrifying the mice again have you?
HUNTSMAN): Oooohhhhh! You didn’t tell me there are
mice in that larder! Look, I can’t help it if I’ve got a
sympathetic nature can I? I couldn’t harm any animal
you know that. Not to mention the fact that I’m terrified
of them all as well.
MAID): Terrified?
HUNTSMAN): I told you not to mention that!
22
Characters – Huntsman, Snow White, King
HUNTSMAN): Oh dear, they’ve left me. Now I’m really
worried.
(Enter the young, fresh and beautiful Snow White).
SNOW WHITE): Hello Boris. Aren’t you usually out
feeding the dear and the pheasants at this time?
HUNTSMAN): Oh dear Snow White….please! Don’t say
such things out loud. Your step-mother thinks I’m out
there catching THEM to feed US. If she ever finds out it
will be the end of me.
SNOW WHITE): Don’t worry dear Bruce, no one here
would ever tell her.
HUNTSMAN): I’m sure you are right, but the mere
mention of her frightens me to death. I am trembling all
over now because she wants to see me
SNOW WHITE): I know just how you feel. But you are so
kind and gentle to everyone that I am sure that even
she would not harm you. She’s not ALL bad you know.
HUNTSMAN): You would say that dearest Snow White,
because you are able to see the good in everything and
everyone. But if there is good in Queen Calumnia it
must be somewhere that I’VE never seen!
23
(Enter the King. He is very vague and short-sighted
with huge glasses. He peers around him nervously).
KING): I say have any of you seen Snow White?
(Audience participation - ”She’s behind you” bit).
SNOW WHITE): (Finally): Father, father….look….I’m
over here!
KING): (Peering in her direction): Ah yes, of course, of
course, how silly of me. (He walks across and
addresses the Huntsman). Now then, my dear, I
wonder if you have any plans for today.
HUNTSMAN): No, no, not me Your Majesty….I’m Boris
your Chief Huntsman. Here is Snow White.
(He turns him in the right direction).
KING): Ah yes….please do stand still dearest…you
youngsters will keep moving about…most
confusing…..most. Now then as I was saying…what are
you doing today?
SNOW WHITE): Firstly, Boris and I have an injured bird
to attend to, then I have no doubt he will escort me on
our usual ride into the forest to see that all is well with
the other animals. But why do you ask?
24
KING): Oh no…err….real reason. It is just that I like to
know where you are my dear.
SNOW WHITE): But to be honest father, you often don’t
know where I am when I’m in the same room!
KING): Absolute nonsense, my dear. I’ll see as clearly
as daylight as soon as I get my glasses.
HUNTSMAN): But Sire…..you already have glasses.
KING): Have I? Yes ….there you are…I have….I told you
so…..he knows.
HUNTSMAN): Your Majesty….excuse me for changing
the subject….but do you have any idea why the Queen
has sent for me?
KING): (He clutches Snow White’s arm and gives a
sharp intake of breath). Calumnia has sent for you? Oh
dear….oh dear….oh dear.
HUNTSMAN): Thank you very much indeed Sire. I knew I
could rely on you to cheer me up.
KING): Now just a minute…let us not panic……YET!!!
There is a well-kept secret in the palace at the moment.
There is going to be a very secret party for Snnnnnn……..
(The Huntsman claps his hands over the King’s mouth).
25
HUNTSMAN): Ha…ha…ha….yes …yes your Majesty……..
SNOW WHITE): What were you saying Daddy dear?
KING): (Finger on lips beckoning her): Sssssshhhhhh!
I’ll tell you….but for goodness sake don’t tell Snow
White.
SNOW WHITE): Look Daddy…..I AM Snow White!
KING): (Peering very closely): Aaaahhh. So you are. I
already asked you not to keep moving about. Now,
where has that wretched Huntsman gone?
HUNTSMAN): (Sighing): I am still here Highness.
26
Characters – Calumnia, Huntsman
CALUMNIA): Ah, there you are at last, you puny
incompetent!
HUNTSMAN): (Dropping to his knees): Oh thank you
Your Highness….that is the nicest thing you ever said to
me!
CALUMNIA): SILENCE, WORM!!! As much as it grieves
me I have to trust you to perform a special task on my
behalf, as there is no one else Snow White will trust.
HUNTSMAN): Of course Your Majesty, anything I can
do….anything at all……..
CALUMNIA): Frankly I am not at all convinced that there
IS anything you can do….You’re as useless as the Z class
celebrities on Big Brother who can’t make their own
beds! But I have no choice. Snow White trusts you…the
ignorant fool……So….you will escort her on her
customary ride in the forest, but on this occasion only
YOU will return….is that clear?
HUNTSMAN): Perfectly Your Highness, I am to take her
to stay with a relative is that right?
CALUMNIA): Oh you pea-brained dolt! After you have
finished she is to stay in the forest….permanently! You
are to take her far into the forest and see that
she…dies! Do you hear?!
27
(The Huntsman is totally horrified).
HUNTSMAN): Highness! Highness! You can’t mean it.
Tell me that I did not hear right!
CALUMNIA): Oh you heard me right, I assure you. And
just one more thing…. If you do not carry out my order
TO THE LETTER…….I will see to it personally that you and
a few of your friends of my choice shall die slow and
agonising deaths……(pointing at audience etc.) Do I
make myself clear?
(He nods slowly aghast).
CALUMNIA): Very well, be about my business instantly.
And to be certain that you do not succumb to softhearted treachery, upon your return I shall want to see
the heart of DEAR Snow White in this casket. (She hands
him the casket). Is that all QUITE CLEAR?!!!
(He nods slowly again, wide-eyed).
CALUMNIA): Very well then, why the delay? (She drags
him to his feet and takes him to the wings and shoves
him off. From off we hear a great crashing noise). Go!
Go, and restore my proper place in the world. Soon,
once more shall I be the fairest in all the land!
(She exits cackling).
28
Characters – 7 dwarfs
GRUMPY): Bah! I wish you would stop that
caterwauling! Not only does it sound like music to
stretch Dwarfs by, it’s not very dignified!
DOC): Undignified? Who is there to worry about that?
We haven’t had a human visitor for 200 years!
GRUMPY): It’s still undignified. Anyway, never mind all
that…..whose turn is it to cook tonight?
(There is a heated debate. They finally wake up
Sleepy).
HAPPY): It’s you man…isn’t it?
SLEEPY): (Yawning): What’s me?
SNEEZY): Atchoo!!! It’s your turn to make the food.
SLEEPY): Oh….jolly good…. (He goes back to sleep).
DOC): It’s no good asking him. The last time he made
Christmas dinner we got it on Easter Monday. How
about you Bashful, you must be next on the list?
BASHFUL): (Squirming and hiding his face):
Oooohhhh gosh! I don’t like to…..everybody will be
looking at me.
29
GRUMPY): For goodness sake you great dollop. We
won’t look at you. Personally I can’t stand the sight of
you.
DOPEY): (Who has been hopping about with his hand
up trying to attract attention): Look fellows…what
about me? I’ll do it, I’m always offering. Remember the
mushroom omelette I made?
(There is much vehement general agreement and
retching).
DOC): We’re never likely to forget it are we? Grumpy
was scraping pink elephants off the walls, Sneezy blew a
hole in his hat, Sleepy was awake for two days, we had
to hold Happy down with a sack of rocks, Bashful
pinched the grocer’s wife’s bottom, and you flew out of
the bedroom window! You don’t choose mushrooms
just because of their nice colours!
DOPEY): I was doing my best.
GRUMPY): That’s the trouble. Your best is invariably just
this side of fatal!
DOC): Alright, alright, no more arguing. I’ll do it.
BASHFUL): Ooooohhhhh! That girl in the audience just
rolled her eyes at me!!!!!!!
30
HAPPY): Well come on man…..just roll them back she
might need them later!!!!!
SNEEZY): Will you idiots kindly stop it! What are we
eating tonight?
DOPEY): Please not alphabet soup…you know I can’t
read.
GRUMPY): Listen Dopey you are in enough trouble as it
is. Villagers have been complaining about him
borrowing their bicycles without permission.
DOC): He can’t help it Grumpy, he’s some kind of cyclepath!
BASHFUL): Can we go in soon; my back is killing me
from digging in the mine? (Awful clicking noises as he
stretches)
DOC): We could have taken you down to the massageman but he’s had to give up. He says he had so many
over-weight people he got paunch-drunk!
GRUMPY): Talking of the mine, if we can’t find some of
that coal, we might have to get proper jobs soon. All we
keep finding are these shiny things. (He tips out a large
collection of diamonds). They’re alright, but what use
are they? You can’t light a fire with them can you?
BASHFUL): But what would we do Grumpy?
31
GRUMPY): Well, since Crowborough has a supermarket
for every day of the week, I’m sure we could get a job
stacking shelves.
DOC): I don’t think that that sounds any use to us.
GRUMPY): Why ever not?
DOC): We’re too short to stack shelves.
GRUMPY): We could do the fruit and veg. (Other Dwarfs
look confused. As if to explain…) Well, we’d be working
in pears!
(Everyone groans)
HAPPY): Who cares man, let’s get in there and eat, we’ll
all feel better then.
32
Characters – Calumnia, King
(Enter Queen Calumnia).
CALUMNIA): So! Just as I suspected, Snow White IS with
those fools in the forest. There is nothing that can be
hidden from my eyes. Although I must say that I could
have done without one or two of the sights that I got
through that periscope! Never mind, once more I have
her in my clutches, and this time she will NOT escape.
(Enter the King).
KING): Ah, there you are. I think I’ll have a pot of tea
and a slice or two of wedding cake. No point in getting
married if you can’t at least enjoy SOME of it eh?
CALUMNIA): How dare you address me thus! Do you
know who I am?
KING): Oh dear you poor thing, have you forgotten? I
know the feeling but I’m afraid I can’t help you there old
thing…..I’m not very good in the memory department.
Two sugars please.
CALUMNIA): Two sugars! Two sugars! I’ll give you two
sugars…!!!
KING): Good, good, thank you. That’s exactly how I like
it.
33
CALUMNIA): (Raging): AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
KING): By the way, you don’t happen to have seen that
wretched woman I had to marry have you? I’m avoiding
her, she stamps and shouts a lot and gives me a
headache. The worst thing is I seem to have mislaid my
dear daughter Princess Snow White. I do wish I could
find her she seems to have been gone for ages. And
she’s betrothed you know, to that nice
Prince….err….whatsisname from….err….you know.
She’d better turn up soon, he won’t wait for ever. Now,
where’s my tea, the service here is terrible. You don’t
have any influence do you?
CALUMNIA): Listen you pea-brained numbskull………
KING): Steady dear lady, that’s no way to talk to me
even if you are my mother………..
CALUMNIA): Ooooohhhh! I am NOT your MOTHER!!!!!
KING): Really? Well you seem to spend a lot of time
here.
CALUMNIA): That is because, you catatonic crackpot, I
am your WIFE!!!
KING): My wife? My wife? I say you won’t tell that other
woman, will you, the one with the loud voice and the
attitude? She seems to think it’s her, you see, and she
can turn jolly nasty.
34
CALUMNIA): You feeble old fathead, it IS me!
KING): Ummmmm…..what is?
CALUMNIA): IT IS ME WHO IS YOUR WIFE YOU DIMWIT!
KING): (Sighing): Dear me I seemed to have lost track
now. There was another one here just now who seemed
to be quite sure it was her. Until my mother turned up
of course……
CALUMNIA): For the last time will you just LISTEN!
YOUR MOTHER ISN’T HERE. And I am your new WIFE
Queen Calumnia!
KING): Oh I do think that that is so sad don’t you? Here
I am marrying a new Queen and my own mother can’t
even be bothered to turn up.
CALUMNIA): Your mother wasn’t invited!
KING): Not invited? Not inv….? Doesn’t she like
weddings?
CALUMNIA): (Holding her head in her hands and
making a strenuous effort to calm down):
Look….please….please don’t worry about it anymore.
35
KING): Don’t worry about it….my own mother? I think I
shall just go and have a little sulk….in the bath. Oh by
the way, cancel the order for tea; I’ve quite gone off the
idea now!!!
(Exit the King).
36
Characters – Maid, Asprinius, Courtier, Dilly,
Dally
MAID): Professor Asprinius, what are you doing?
ASPRINIUS): Hmmmmmm? What am I doing? Ah yes,
what AM I doing? I have a very special commission from
the Queen.
(They all look at one another nervously).
COURTIER): Go on Asprinius, tell us what you are up to.
ASPRINIUS): Of course….I am perfecting for Calumnia
the most deadly of poisons. My difficulty has been that
she insists that it tastes exactly like apples. (They all
react). I think that I now have it perfected, although,
(Looking down at himself) I do believe that I may have
caught fire once or twice in the process!
DILLY): Roland, quickly, put him out. You know that the
Queen doesn’t allow smoking indoors!
(Roland squirts him with soda-syphon or the like).
ASPRINIUS): Ah thank you…most refreshing. Now, I had
better deliver this at once. I am sure that Calumnia will
be most pleased with my Cox’s Orange Poison!
DALLY): Wait Asprinius, just a moment please.
37
ASPRINIUS): What is it, what is it? I MUST HURRY.
DALLY): Are you telling us that there is no antidote to
your brew?
ASPRINIUS): A fascinating question, but one for the
moment I cannot fully answer. The Queen has no
interest in reversing its effect. Theoretically I suppose
that as it was conceived from pure evil, by the unwritten
laws of pharmaceutical magic it could be nullified by the
presence of stainless innocence. But that would need to
be tested, and there are all sorts of rules about human
trials these days. You can’t just give people potions and
see what they do anymore. You can’t even test on
animals anymore! You have to find somewhere with
even lower lifeforms.
DILLY): Ahh, you mean Hailsham?
ASPRINIUS): Exactly, but who wants to go there?!
(sighs) I must away to the Queen!
(Exit Asprinius. There is much animated conversation
among the courtiers.)
38
Characters – Dilly, Dally, King, Maid, Servant
DILLY): I expect they’re all busy this time of year. Come
everyone, we must not forget our mission. We simply
MUST find Snow White before Calumnia!
(Dilly and Dally wander round the auditorium)
DALLY): My legs! I’m not meant for this sort of physical
exercise!
DILLY): I know what you mean – I haven’t moved this
quickly since my husband died!
(They make their way back to the stage)
DALLY): I really do need to rest, but there’s nowhere to
sit down – the ground is all soggy!
(A convenient bench is brought onstage, with no
attempt at subtlety!)
DALLY): Goodness me, look at that! A conveniently
placed bench for me to rest my weary body.
(Enter the King).
DILLY): Your Majesty! What are you doing wandering all
alone in the woods? You know, I’ve heard tell that
there are ghosties and ghoulies in these parts of the
forest!
39
KING): Ghoulies? What about my ghoulies? Servant!
Maid! Someone wants my Ghoulies!
(Enter the servant and the maid)
MAID): I don’t know what you’re calling me for, your
highness. I CERTAINLY don’t want them!
SERVANT): What on Earth is going on?
DALLY): Oh, nothing – you know what the king is like,
always getting the wrong end of the stick. Has anyone
noticed how it’s getting rather chilly all of a sudden…?
DILLY): And rather dark… (lights dim)
MAID): We should huddle together for warmth.
DALLY): Don’t worry everyone, I have just the song to
cheer us up!
DILLY): Right boys and girls, you know where this is
going, don’t you!
(Oh When the Saints is played and ghosts and ghouls
take off the King, the maid and the servant off one by
one, leaving Dilly and Dally, who scare the ghosts off
instead!)
40
Characters – Calumnia, Mirror
CALUMNIA): Oh magic mirror on the wall,
I don’t know why I ask at all,
But still it gives me joy to hear,
As through your magic veil I peer,
The fact that all must understand,
I AM THE FAIREST IN THE LAND!!!!
MIRROR): Oh fairest Queen it’s been my duty,
To reassure you of your beauty,
But I can only speak the truth,
And all must sometime lose their youth,
Your looks for ever could not last,
Your radiance has now been surpassed!
CALUMNIA): (Screaming with rage and clawing at the
mirror): WHAT!!!!!!!? What evil lie is this that you are
trying to tell me? How could anybody in the land
possibly be fairer than I???
MIRROR): It is indisputable Your Majesty, that for so
many years your beauty has been the greatest in all the
land. But now there lives one whose loveliness not only
surpasses that of even your youth, but possesses also
that which you never gained….beauty of spirit. (The
Queen rages again). Forgive me Highness, but I can
speak only the truth.
CALUMNIA): You lie, you lie you fool! How could
anyone be lovelier than I with all my magic powers?
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Come on….put your money where your mercury is, and
tell me who this mythical paragon of perfection might
be.
MIRROR): Oh Calumnia, you may possess magic
powers, but just like every mortal there are things in
front of your very eyes that you do not see….because
you CHOOSE not to see them. She who wears beauty’s
crown in the land is none other than your very own
step-daughter….your new husband’s daughter…Snow
White!!!!!
42
Characters – Calumnia, Edmund, King
CALUMNIA): Come back, come back you cowardly fools!
Nothing can withstand the might of Calumnia!
(Enter Edmund).
EDMUND): Is that so….step-mother? Well you will now
see just how wrong you are. For the greatest power that
the Universe has ever known has been restored to our
land. That power against which there is truly no
defence…..The power of love.
(Enter the King with cup and saucer).
KING): I say, there’s a dear little cottage over there.
They keep a very fine teapot!
CALUMNIA): So it’s you, you fumbling old fool! You may
talk of the power of LOVE Edmund…but remember your
father married ME….I am still the Queen!!!!
(Enter all the others with all the over-powered villains).
EDMUND): Oh dear, Calumnia…….It really hasn’t been
your day. You see while wandering in the forest I also
discovered where you had imprisoned my mother. Since
you were only Queen by virtue of marrying my father,
and that marriage is invalid, you are not, and never
were, Queen.
43
Characters – Prince Godwin, Bashful, Snow
White, Doc
GODWIN): Rumours have reached us yes. How terrible
that they should turn out to be true. Snow White is even
more beautiful than I remember her when we were
betrothed. What cruel fate has decreed that she should
be so stricken just before we are due to wed? Oh Snow
White…..My dearest Snow White…..
(He goes to the casket and opens the lid and takes
Snow White into his arms. There is a general gasp of
consternation. He gently raises her and kisses her on
the lips.)
BASHFUL): Ooooohhhhhh goooosh!!!
(Snow White coughs and slowly raises her hand to her
brow. She opens her eyes and stares around her. There
is tremendous shock and surprise all round).
SNOW WHITE): Where am I? What are you all doing
here? Godwin….we were not supposed to meet again
until our wedding day!
GODWIN): Dearest Snow White…you live!
DOC): This is wonderful…For so long we thought that we
had lost you for ever.
44
SNOW WHITE): Wait…I am beginning to remember. It is
my new little family. It all comes back to me….an old
lady appeared and made me eat an apple….
45
Characters – King, Queen Serena, Snow White
KING): Serena, Serena it is YOU! I fear I am somewhat
bewildered….I feel as though I have woken from a long,
bad dream.
SERENA): In some ways my dearest that is exactly what
has happened to us all. We will talk of it later. But
where is our beloved Snow White?
(Fanfare and enter from the auditorium Snow White
and Godwin in wedding dress.)
SNOW WHITE): Oh mother, can this be true? Where
have you been? How did you get here? How did you
find us?
SERENA): (Laughing): So many questions…all in good
time my dear. For the present let us just rejoice that we
are all together again.
KING): Yes, but all the horror and misery from which we
have suffered has been has been due to one person.
What are we to do with Calumnia?
46