From: Nathan M. Burke
Date: 02 Mar 2013
To: Professor Patching
Subject: Plain style Sentence revision Memo 7
From the reading in chapter seven we take in the importance of writing a
clear and concise sentence. Our goal is to get the point across and not redundantly
describe or put emphasis in areas that do not require it. People should be able to
read and instantly understand the point of the statement.
Using a website most of us are familiar with I have chose the Everett
Community College website and honed in on a section that we might have visited a
few times, Angel. The sentence I have chose is one that describes Angel but I feel can
be chopped down and made easier to read. The sentence is as follows, “eLearning at
EvCC offers a variety of online, hybrid and web enhanced courses which provide
students who have jobs, a family, or other responsibilities with a more flexible and
independent approach to their education. Online, hybrid and web enhanced courses
use ANGEL as the online learning management system.” My version of this sentence
would be, “ Angel is an eLearning tool used by Evcc for Online, Hybrid and web
enhanced courses. A more flexible solution for those with work and other
responsibilities.” This version to me plainly describes Angel and its purpose. It
instantly states the subject of the sentence and its purpose and finishes with those
that will benefit from it. I really read and made sure I could do each sentence in one
breath. The second sentence I have chose is from my chemistry class, which I
always seem to find redundancy and unclear or not needed information. The
sentence is as follows, “Open the stopcock and allow a little of the NaOH to run into a
little waste beaker from your drawer. This helps to eliminate air bubbles in the tip
of the burret. Make sure you do not have air bubbles in the tip of your burret.”. This
sentence does not follow some of our eight steps to a plain sentence. This sentence
is used to describe a process, however it could have been simplified thus reducing
redundancy and increasing readability and understandability. We are sure the
subject is the burret and its rinsing but it seems the air bubble takes precedence.
My version of this sentence is as follows,” Remove the air bubbles from the tip of the
burret by opening the stop cock and letting some fluid flow into a waste beaker.”. It
is understood that the whole purpose of this step is to remove the air bubbles,
repeating the necessity only increases unnecessary reading and possible
misinterpretation. In cutting out the last sentence stating that you should make
sure there are no bubbles before you begin. I instead made the purpose of the
sentence about the removal of the air bubbles seeing that this is the only reason for
the step.
I understand the purpose of this writing style; it develops your writing to be
concise and not overwritten. Our goal should be to show with words what it is or
what is needed.