YANKEE BARBERS episodes

YANKEE BARBERS

WRITTEN BY JOVI BABS, DAPO LANRE BADMUS AND TOLA BOLAJI

EPISODE 2

REALITY SHOW

SC 1. INT. BARBER SHOP – DAY

We see the barbers working while laughing at Timi who has made another gaffe in his speaking. Elder Zaacheus and Pa Nojimu are playing draft.

AKEEM

Timi! Timi!! Ara oke. You too much!

SYLVESTER

Hmm. Professor, you no go kill us with your yarns.

TIMI [ANNOYED]

I don’t like the way you people are using me to laugh O! I only said one wrong word and because of that una dey laugh me.

DORIS

Why we no go laugh you Timi? You too like to dey show. Just accept your mistake and move on eh. Ara oke!

PA NOJIMU

When you decide to use your bucal cavity to launch linguistic ballistic missiles don’t you know that you leave yourself open to a carnivorous attack?

Everybody reacts to Pa Nojimu latest linguistic bullet.

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SUNDAY

They don come O!

ELDER ZAACHEUS

You and this killer grammar! Can’t you speak normally like a human being?

PA NOJIMU

Don’t you know that it is my duty to spread the world’s most popular language for the benefit of people like Timi?

SYLVESTER

We know Pa Nojimu. But take am easy sir. You wan kill us?

AKEEM

Timi, you see wetin you don cause with your benbella moves?

DORIS

You people in this shop will not kill me with laughter.

SC 2. INT BARBER SHOP – DAY

The Chairman ,Mr Kolade comes into the shop. Everybody greets him.

CHAIRMAN

Good afternoon. Everybody come around. I have something to tell you.

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They all gather around him.

CHAIRMAN (CONT’D)

A production company will be coming here tommorrow to record a TV reality show in this barber shop.

TIMI

Sir, what kind of show will they be doing? Will it be music because I can sing too O. What style will...?

AKEEM

Will you shut up Timi. Oga has not finished.

CHAIRMAN

Thank you Akeem. The reality show will actually be showing us doing our barbing work.

Everybody gets excited.

AKEEM

Ah correct. What should we do Oga? I have some new styles I want to launch.

CHAIRMAN

You don’t have to do anything special. Just face your work. But if anybody mess up eh...

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SYLVESTER

Don’t worry sir. Nothing like that will happen. We will show them that

Yankee barbers are the best in town.

BOYS

Yes!

CHAIRMAN

Go back to work. (The barbers oblige)Em Pa Nojimu and Elder Zaacheus?

PA NOJIMU AND ELDER ZAACHEUS [EXCITED]

Yes?!

CHAIRMAN

The TV people want to talk to only the staff so you might have to excuse us tomorrow.

ELDER ZAACHEUS [ANNOYED]

What!

PA NOJIMU {ANGRY}

What balderdash! What arrant nonsense! Are you saying that the two of us who helped to bring you up to where you are today are not good enough to be featured on national Televison?

CHAIRMAN

Pa Nojimu it is not like that. The company said that they only want to show the staff.

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ELDER ZAACHEUS

And we are not staff ehn? We that have been here since the foundation of this shop? Do you even remember when I used to take you to school when you’re a little boy?

PA NOJIMU

My friend will you stop that. I was the one who use to take Kolade to school then.

ELDER ZAACHEUS

Kai! You Nojimu, stop that lie. I took him to school and even sat him down in class.

PA NOJIMU

Zaacheus, you are obviously becoming senile. What are you talking about? You that didn’t even know Kolade’s house?

Chairman walks out exasperated while the elders argue.

SC 3 INT. BARBER SHOP – DAY

Akeem ,Timi and Sunday are in new outfits as they prepare their instruments for the start of the working day. Sylvester comes in.

SYLVESTER

Guys whats going on? Why the new baf ups?

AKEEM

Ah see this guy. Since I will be on TV I have to represent now. You don’t know who will see me.

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TIMI

Bros Sly, help me check this out.

Timi picks up the clipper and poses in work mode. Everybody laughs.

Timi is annoyed.

AKEEM

Will you go back to work you this ara oke. Yeye boy. He doesn’t even know how to cut well, he is doing don jazzy with clipper.

Doris enters all made up.

Good morning guys how do I look? (She strikes a pose)

Guys react.

DORIS

SYLVESTER

Doris, you dey go beauty contest?

TIMI

Babe, you no wan take am easy at all.

DORIS

Easy ke?! When my husband to be will be watching me?

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AKEEM

Which husband to be? Babe no fool yourself with all those romance novels wey you dey read. Come to me and I will show you a real man.

DORIS

You! E pay me make I no marry than go out with you.

Guys react to Akeem’s dissing. Akeem gets angry

AKEEM

Come una dey mad? Wetin that one mean?

SYLVESTER

My friend, go and sit down. Doris, please give me some powder let me freshen myself up.

Doris gives Sylvester the powder which he uses.

AKEEM

Ah, fine boy wan tush himself up.

The elders enter. Akeem takes powder from Sylvester.

PA NOJIMU

Na wa O! You boys are taking this thing seriously.

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ELDER ZAACHEUS

With the way you’re all dressed up someone would think that you’re all going for a beauty contest.

TIMI

Elder Zaacheus, before nko? This is a chance to sell ourselves.

AKEEM [COMBING HIS HAIR]

And to show the people out there who the best barber in this town is.

DORIS

And show them the most beautiful seller of braids.

ELDER ZAACHEUS (Laugh)

Nojimu, you see what Kolade has caused.

PA NOJIMU

Well, that is how they do business nowadays my friend. Let’s see how they go about it.

SC 4. INT. BARBING SALON – DAY.

The production crew arrives. The director and the production manager look around. Akeem goes to them.

AKEEM

Good morning sirs. You must be the production crew for the reality show.

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PRODUCTION MANAGER

Yes. I am George the Production manager while this is the director

Henry.

The director is still pacing, looking around.

AKEEM

(Extends hands)How do you do sir?

The Director ignores him still looking around.

DIRECTOR (STRICT)

Hmm. Much larger than many other barbing shops around.

AKEEM

Yes of course. Yankee barbers is one of the most well known barbing shops in the city.

That’s what you all say. (Looks at him) Where is the manager here?

Akeem feels slighted.

DIRECTOR

AKEEM

I am the manager.

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SYLVESTER

(Comes over)He meant that we are the managers.

DIRECTOR

I see. Are all the staff members around?

Timi, Sunday and Doris come over to stand enthusiastically before the director.

DORIS, SUNDAY AND TIMI

Good morning sir.

AKEEM

Here they are.

DIRECTOR

Including them (Looks at the elders).

AKEEM

Actually...they are...

Henry goes over to Pa Nojimu and Elder Zaacheus who are playing draft.

DIRECTOR

George, get rid of those old men.

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HENRY

Excuse me sirs, could you move out of the shop for a while? We want to shoot a TV program here.

Pa Nojimu and Elder Zaacheus look at Henry, then themselves and continue playing their game. Henry signals to the director that the old men may be deaf. He moves closer and raises his voice.

HENRY

Sirs, I said that you should please excuse us. We want to shoot a TV program here.

ELDER ZAACHEUS [ANGRILY]

Is that why you’re shouting?

HENRY

I am sorry sir. I thought that...

PA NOJIMU

We are deaf.

HENRY [APOLOGETIC]

No sir. It’s not like that. I just...

PA NOJIMU

Anyway, we have been a part of the architecture of this enclave ever since the initialization so there is no way that a hooligan like you would usurp our positions here.

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Henry looks on stupidly.

SC 5. INT. BARBING SALON – DAY.

The production company has set up for the shoot. Everybody is putting up a smile while working. The director and his crew are ready. The elders are around.

PA NOJIMU

Look at all these kids making a fool of themselves while trying to show off like peacocks. Just because they‘re on TV.

ELDER ZAACHEUS

Don’t mind them, as if they haven’t seen camera before.

DIRECTOR

Are we all set guys? Camera 1?

Cameraman 1 thumbs up.

DIRECTOR

Camera 2?

Cameraman 2 thumbs up.

DIRECTOR

Good. Roll camera. Action

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We see the view of camera 1 rolling on Akeem working when Sufi bursts into shop. He notices the camera and goes straight for it.

SUFI {BRAGGING}

Ah awo temi, look at me Sufi the superstar. (He poses)You wan try fine boy feeling sexy? See me now...

DIRECTOR

Cut. Excuse me. Who the hell are you?

SUFI

What kind of stupid question is that? Na me Sufi, omo iya Rebecca, a friend of the house and a member of road union. Ask them now, I be regular customer here.

Director looks at Akeem and Sylvester who shrug their shoulders.

SC 6. INT. BARBER SHOP - DAY

We see Akeem sitting in a chair being interviewed.

AKEEM

My name is Akeem, the one and only Akeem. I am a master barber who has being winning the employee of the month award ever since this shop was opened. The secret to our success here in yankee barbers is that I treat the staff very well.

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Timi over applies powder on a customer wasting some making Akeem angry

Akeem is about to slap him when he suddenly remembers the camera filming him and puts his hand on his assistants back.

AKEEM

(Sternly To Timi) Can’t you see that the powder is too much? Next time be moderate in the use of the powder. Is that understood?

TIMI {STARES INCREDUOSLY}

(Beat) Yes sir!

AKEEM

(Pats him)Good boy. Now get back to work.

Akeem goes off. Timi looks on as he can’t believe what went down.


Akeem is still being interviewed.

AKEEM

When you treat your staff well, they will respond positively. So I will advice other managers to treat their staff with dignity after all they are the ones that will have to execute the job and helping them achieve our customer’s expectation is what we do here.

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The camera 2 is roving when Pa Nojimu calls the cameraman’s attention.

PA NOJIMU

Oya put the camera on me. I have something important to say.

The cameraman 2 looks at the director who nods his head. The camera starts filming Pa Nojimu.

PA NOJIMU

(Clears throat) Yes. My name is Pa Nojimu, a retired teacher who served this country for more than four decades. You see the major inhibiting factor we have in this entity called Nigeria is the overabundance of avarice in our corporate domain. This unfortunate state of affairs has made long term development to elude the proletariat thereby making our situation perpendicular to those of the numerous banana republics...

Camera turns away from him.

PA NOJIMU (ANGRILY)

Ah ah? Will you bring that thing back here? I haven’t finished my statement.

Elder Zaacheus laughs.

ELDER ZAACHEUS

Who is the peacock now? You see camera in your front, you want to pour out all the grammar in your head.

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PA NOJIMU

Zaacheus, you do not fathom the situation. I am using this ambience as a call to national re...

ELDER ZAACHEUS

Abeg shut up. Confess you too wan dey on Tele. Anyway I will leave you to fight it out with the kids. I don’t have time for all this nonsense. Let’s play jare.

Camera 1 pans to the two elders playing their game of draft. Elder

Zaacheus notices and adjusts his clothing and smiles with a pose.

ELDER ZAACHEUS

Come, I hope I am looking good O.

Pa Nojimu looks at his friend.


Sunday makes a mistake while barbing a customer who winces. This gets his superiors who are working on other customers riled up while the camera is filming.

AKEEM

(To customer)Sorry sir (To Sunday) what’s wrong with you? Don’t you know that you can injure him that way?

SUNDAY

I didn’t know. I am sorry.

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SYLVESTER

Next time you don’t press it too hard. A soft touch will do. Instead of paying attention to your work, you’re busy chasing Baba Ijebu and football.


Sunday is being interviewed by the production crew.

SUNDAY

My name is Sunday and I am an apprentice here in Yankee barbers. I am also a talented footballer who plans to play abroad. I don’t know why

Akeem and Sylvester keep on shouting at me anyhow after all I am doing better than Timi in my work. I know they are my seniors here but that doesn’t give them the right to talk to me anyhow. That Akeem likes to show himself, samething with Sylvester. I am very sure that It’s because I am richer than them that they are jealous of me. I have other sources through which I make money and...

He suddenly realizes what he has said and is scared.

SUNDAY

Yee see devil. Bros abeg no record that last thing that I said. Please

I don’t want my oga to fire me. Please I no know wetin I dey do. Just help me edit it abeg.


Doris by her braids stand being interviewed.

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DORIS

Yes I admit there are advantages to being the only lady among a group of guys. But it’s nothing really. This place needed some soft sensual touch to soften the rough masculinity that is around here. I am not in any relationship at present so I will welcome any guy who knows how to please a woman in the right ways. I am an interesting person to be with and a romantic as well. I tell you we will have a great time.

(She blows a kiss) I will be expecting you.


The camera is filming Timi barbing a customer. He looks for a brush and turns to Doris who is reading a romance novel at her stand.

TIMI

Abeg Doris, give me that brush near you.

Doris gives the brush to him.

DORIS

Young man, can you make sure when you speak to me that you use proper

English? Thank you.

TIMI (Surprised)

Ehn?! (Claps hand sarcastically) Wonders will never end.


Timi is being interviewed as well.

TIMI

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That is the problem here. Everybody is so fake here. All this they are doing is for the TV. Look they are not like that at all. On a good day you will see how sloppy they are. As for me I am doing well. As for me

I am very diligent at what I do. I am not a fake person like the others.


Sylvester is being interviewed.

SYLVESTER

You meet a whole lot of people when you move around. Those I have met here are will rank among the craziest set. My co manger Akeem is a good guy but he is eccentric at times. Doris is a very nice girl who is diligent at her business but she is desperate for a guy and she lets this show. Timi has the potential to go far if he can just humble himself and Sunday have to climb down from that perch of playing professional football and face reality. For God’s sake he is too old for a football career.


Camera is showing Sylvester cutting the hair of a customer.

Sylvester looks up and shakes his head in pity.

ELDER ZAACHEUS (O.S.)

Sylvester, talk now. There are filming you O!

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Camera is now focused on Pa Nojimu who is talking.

PA NOJIMU

You see I have known the owner of this shop, Kolade, ever since he was a liliputian. I used to babysit him then and transport him to school and back home. I also protected him from bullies as he had a dimunitive stature then. I did a lot for him then and I have watched him blossom into a fine young man.

ELDER ZAACHEUS

Come, how can you be talking like that? I also took care of him most especially when you use to leave him to go and see that girl, what’s her name O...Yes Mary. I use to go to his house and play with him then. I also bought things for him.

PA NOJIMU

See who is talking. Did you do as much as I did for Kolade then? Where were you when those bullies wanted to truncate our journey to school then? Because of me they discontinued their truant acts.

ELDER ZAACHEUS

I was the one who went to them to tell them to stop.

PA NOJIMU

You, Zaacheus?

ELDER ZAACHEUS

Yes me. I also helped him to do his homework

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PA NOJIMU

Homework?! Iwo Zaacheus? The boy who was a simpleton when we’re in school that he was always contesting the last position in class?

ELDER ZAACHEUS

Kai, what do you mean by that?

The elders continue to argue out their relevance in Chairman Kolade’s life.


A few days later. Everybody is working but they have an eye on the TV set as the reality show featuring their shop is set to air in some minutes. Timi is holding the remote while barbing a customer and incessantly changes the channel annoying Akeem in the process.

AKEEM

Guy, will you stop that? They no buy toy for you when you small?

TIMI

Bros Akeem, I don’t want to miss that program. I don tell my people for area to watch out for me. Me too wan shine now.

SYLVESTER

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So because of that you wan marry remote? You should have entered the

TV so that we will all see you.

AKEEM

E easy to be star?!

DORIS

As if you don’t want to see yourself on TV Akeem?!

AKEEM

Me? I don’t have to stress myself. I am a born star just waiting to blow. You will see, Mrs. (mimics Doris with girlish mannerisms) ‘Will you speak to me in English?’ as if you know the way to the airport.

The others laugh.

DORIS

I don’t blame you boys. Just because I decided to tush myself up you’re laughing. Una no sabi packaging.

Everybody reacts.

ELDER ZAACHEUS [CONFUSED]

Packaging?!

PA NOJIMU

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That can be defined as an attempt to recalibrate or in other words to metamorphose or transmute into...

ELDER ZAACHEUS

Ah Nojimu, it’s okay, it’s okay.

Chairman Kolade enters the shop.

TIMI [EXCITED]

Oga, they want to show us on TV.

MR KOLADE

They are not going to show it now.

DORIS

So when will they show it sir?

MR KOLADE

I am not sure they might even show it.

EVERYBODY [SHOCKED]

What?!

MR KOLADE

The production company was demanding for too much money which I don’t have so...

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AKEEM

Ah oga, don’t talk negative O. It is not good.

SUNDAY

That’s true oga.

MR KOLADE

But I can’t afford the outrageous amount that they want.

DORIS

In Jesus name sir, you can afford it. That program must be shown on TV

O! After all the trouble that we went through how can we let this opportunity go just like that?

AKEEM

Oga, Doris is right. This is an opportunity for us to show ourselves.

MR KOLADE

Ourselves?

AKEEM

I mean yankee barbers sir.

PA NOJIMU

Kolade, you can’t just intercept a moment to shine a momentous light on the dexterity on display in this domicile. I mean that is unbelievably prejudiced.

MR KOLADE

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Pa Nojimu, If you like speak all the grammar in the dictionary. I will not pay that money.

Everybody raises their voices in a bid to convince the chairman to change his mind.

EPISODE 3

GOAL!!!


It’s a weekend at Yankee Barbers and all the young barbers are excited about the upcoming football matches, Manchester United V Liverpool and

Arsenal V Chelsea.

SUNDAY [BOASTING]

All this man u people think they can just collect the league anytime they want but we go show them that we never walk alone.

AKEEM

That is what you Liverpool fans have been saying for the last twenty years but wetin una don win?

SUNDAY

Ah bros Akeem, forget O! This year we are complete, especially with our coach Kenny Daglish.

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TIMI

So it is your coach that will enter the field and play for you? You guys should just queue up at old Trafford and chop your normal beating as a dutiful wife. Maybe they will come and sign you next season to help them. (Laughs)

SYLVESTER

Timi, when is Arsenal and Chelsea playing?

TIMI

After the Man U Liverpool game. Ah I trust my Van Persie, e too sure.

AKEEM

That one with glass leg. When those Chelsea boys deal with him he will know how far. You know he never go sign register for hospital this season.

TIMI

Come, even without Van Persie we will beat Chelsea. No be Emirates we dey play?

Arsenal, always playing never winning. With that Ijebu man who is always buying children how can you win anything? Bros Akeem, didn’t you hear of the new born baby Arsene Wenger want to buy?

Akeem and Sunday laugh.

SUNDAY

SYLVESTER

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At least they are better than you still dreaming of playing for golden eaglets. Old man like you.

PA NOJIMU

What is this entire hullabaloo about? Is it by virtue of a spherical object that some boys perambulate after on a field that you want to kill yourselves?

ELDER ZAACHEUS

And it’s not as if they are paying them for supporting those teams yet they can go to any lengths for them even to the extent of killing themselves. Ah Nojimu, you just reminded me of that time when we’re in school and I scored that beautiful goal. You remember the match now?

PA NOJIMU

Yes. In the inter class match that your class lost eight one!

ELDER ZAACHEUS

Nojimu, why do you delight in spoiling a beautiful memory?

PA NOJIMU

I was only trying to confirm the veracity of the developments that transpired in that era.

DORIS

(Looks up from her novel) I don’t even see what you men enjoy in that thing that you call football. To me it is a waste of time seeing grown men get emotional over a game. I don’t think I can go out with a man who likes football.

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SUNDAY

So if I came to you after securing my dream move to Europe, you won’t agree for me?

DORIS

(Laughs) You. You can’t even get a club in this town you want to go and play abroad. Keep on dreaming.

AKEEM

(Goes to Doris)You see what I have been saying? With that statement you have just eliminated ninety nine point nine percent of all the guys that you can go out with. This is why you will never get a man.

Do you know how many girls have lost their dream man because of their hatred for football?

DORIS

Not all men like football.

AKEEM

There are two reasons for that. Either they are gay or they have a problem in their medulla oblongata.

SYLVESTER

Akeeem!

AKEEM

Yes now. Otherwise I cannot comprehend how a real man will not like the real man’s game.

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SC 2. BAR. – DAY

Dare is frantic as he has been calling the service provider to come and repair the cable link in the bar which is not working. Mabel just looks on amused.

DARE

Hello is that the customer care? ...Good, my cable just stopped working and I need it repaired urgently... Yes I have checked everything...You want to put me on hold...Okay.

An irritated Dare barely contains himself while a song plays on his phone. Mabel laughs.

DARE [IRRITATED]

Some people are so useless.

MABEL

All this trouble because of a match?

DARE

Correction my dear, the match.

Dare picks his phone which rings.

DARE

Yes is that maintenance...Oh IT department...Yes I have checked the dish. It is in good condition... I inputed the right codes now...What do you mean how do I know that? I have been using it for almost three years now...(Exasperated) This is a bar so how can a kid go and tamper

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WRITTEN BY JOVI BABS, DAPO LANRE BADMUS AND TOLA BOLAJI with the cable? What kind of questions are these...What?! (He cuts phone)

MABEL

What happened?

DARE

Can you imagine this idiot was reading the questions he was asking me from a book, ‘troubleshooting for the IT beginner’? What kind of country is this?

MABEL

A country that is crazy about “book” knowledge.

DARE

You and Udoh should take care of the bar.

Dare moves to the door.

MABEL

Where are you going? You know we will be expecting a lot of customers anytime from now.

DARE

With this busted cable TV, you can be sure they wouldn’t stay. I want to go and get a repairer to fix this thing.

He goes out.


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There is a rowdy crowd in the barber shop waiting for the match to start and offering all types of analysis. Akeem goes around collecting money.

AKEEM

Bros your money. Just hundred naira.

GUY 1

No be fifty we dey pay before?

AKEEM

That was before fuel subsidy.

Guy pays Akeem. Slyvester goes to him.

SYLVESTER

Guy, (Streches out palm) how far?

AKEEM [ANGRY]

Which levels now? I was the one who suggested this.

SYLVESTER

Okay no problem. I will just call Chairman Kolade that you’re doing illegal business in his premises.

AKEEM [RECONCILIATORY]

Sylvester my guy! You no need all that one now. I will still give you your share.

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SYLVESTER [CYNICAL]

You Akeem? Pay me my money jare.

Akeem gives him part of the money collected. Sylvester takes it with a smile and goes off with Akeem eying him. A person at the door attracts his attention and he goes to investigate. It’s Dare.

AKEEM [MOCKING]

Ah who do we have here if it’s not Mr Pomposity himself? How come you remembered us today?

DARE

Can’t I come and say hello?

TIMI

Dare say hello?! The day that happens I will jump into the Lagos lagoon.

DARE

Look I just came to watch the match. Our cable service messed up.

AKEEM [MOCKING]

Hmm. So you decided to come down from your high kingdom to visit us mere men. Hope we’ve not stained his royal highness.

Are you letting me in or not?

Akeem stretches his hand.

DARE [EXASPERATED]

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AKEEM

Hundred bucks!

DARE

(Bringing out his money) It’s not your fault. Na your day. (He enters)

AKEEM

Of course.

SC. 4 INT. BARBER SHOP - CONTINUOUS

Elder Zaacheus and Pa Nojimu enter and are shocked at what they see.

PA NOJIMU

What is this bedlam that I am discerning?

SUNDAY

Pa Nojimu, there is no bed here O! We are not offering any ashewo services here.

PA NOJIMU

Of course I can behold that you moronic creature.

ELDER ZAACHEUS

What is happening?

SUNDAY

It’s the match now. The Man U Liverpool match is about to start.

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ELDER ZAACHEUS

I hope they have not taken our corner because if they have I will use my holy unction to scatter the head of...

SUNDAY

Elder, your place is still there with your draft board.

PA NOJIMU

Good, good. This reminds me of the match that we went to watch in

1975. Wasn’t it Stores and Shooting stars that were playing?

ELDER ZAACHEUS

Ah those where the days when men were men, when real football was played. Not today when you touch a player and you’re given a red card.

GUY 1

Baba all that one na story. Na our own generation they reign now.

PA NOJIMU

That is the quandary you get with an obtuse generation who feel that they divine much better than the oracles when they cannot fathom a facile perception.

Crowd reacts to Pa Nojimu’s verbal missiles.

GUY 1

Baba take am easy now! E never reach that level now.

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SC 5. BARBER SHOP - CONTINUOUS

Siro enters the shop wearing a Chelsea jersey.

SIRO (SHOUTS)

Up blues!

Some respond in kind as those who recognize him greet him.

SIRO

Today na today! My boys go kill Arsenal. Na who born them.

SYLVESTER

Forget o! Arsenal don dey play. They won their last three matches.

SIRO

(Dismissive)Una beat small team, you’re jubilating. Na today we go know the difference between boys and the men.

Sufi enters in grand style donning an Arsenal jersey.

SUFI

My true gunners , wetin dey?

Arsenal supporters hail Sufi as he greets them and take his seat. He brushes past Siro.

35

YANKEE BARBERS


SIRO

Look Ogbeni, respect yourself O! You this lousy people. Na so so noise una go dey make like that your Ijebu coach.

SUFI

Na my coach a whole professor you dey yab like that?

Which professor? You mean professional failure.

Chelsea supporters laugh.

SIRO

SUFI

By the time we go tap you soccer and score that your pensioners club, you go know who be failure. No be that Torres una get for 50 mill dey mess up anyhow? My own igwe don even score more than him. That is a man that people have said is finished.

AKEEM

Look at them arguing as if you will win the premiership. Champions league no sure for any of you.

SIRO

PDP, you’re talking. That your team wey no get players and has to rely on retired players and dubious referees. I am telling you nothing for

Man U this season.

AKEEM

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YANKEE BARBERS


That is life for you. When you’re on top, everybody wants to bring you down. I am sure of winning as usual. We are the best.

GUY 2

Guy, you’ve forgotten you drew with ordinary Aston Villa?

AKEEM

And so? This is old Trafford, theatre of dreams. No shaking. Who wan bet with me? I have 2k to put down.

SUNDAY

(Pulls out money)I am here.

AKEEM [MOCKING]

Eh you! You will continue to walk alone as usual with all those fake players you get.

SC 6. INT. BARBER SHOP – MOMENTS LATER

The match between Man U and Liverpool is underway. We can see Man U is in the ascendancy as Akeem and other Man U supporters cheer every move loudly.

AKEEM

Ah. My beloved red devils. No shaking (To Sunday) See your life?

SUNDAY

It’s still goaless.

AKEEM

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YANKEE BARBERS


But we are playing you half field. Anytime from now my guys will score that your basket keeper.

GUY 3

Akeem, football no be mathematics.

AKEEM

I know but this one is too sure. See my Rooney and Chicarito mesmerizing the Liverpool defence.

SUNDAY

Liverpool has taken the ball.

AKEEM

Nothing. Vidic go handle them.

Liverpool scores. Sunday and the other Liverpool supporters jubilate as Akeem and his fellow Man U supporters are disappointed.

AKEEM

Oh what is this now? Which kind basket keeper Baba go buy? Anyway we will still equalize. There is still enough time.


The match has ended with Liverpool winning by a goal . Akeem is distraught as Sunday in a jubilant mood counts his winnings.

SUNDAY

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YANKEE BARBERS


Bros Akeem, you see your life? In football one plus one is not equal to two.

AKEEM

(Consoling himself)Well you have won the battle. But I am still winning the war.

GUY 3

For where? E no sure for you.

SUFI

That’s how Man U supporters always do. They do dey believe.

SC 8 INT. BARBER SHOP- CONTINUOUS

Mabel comes in looking for Dare who she locates and goes to.

MABEL

Dare, is this the repairer you said you wanted to go and get?

DARE

Mabel, don’t disturb me. Chelsea is about to play.

MABEL

And that justifies leaving me and Udoh with all the work in the bar?

DARE

Why are you complaining? Aren’t you the one that said you’ve always wanted to run a bar of your own? You should be thanking me instead.

39

YANKEE BARBERS


MABEL

Okay. Oga called saying he will soon be coming to check...

Dare jumps out of his seat and rushes out of the barbing shop. Mabel smiles as she occupies Dare’s seat. Guy 1 looks at her with interest.

GUY 1

So you like football this much?

MABEL

Who say’s that football is just a man’s sport.

GUY 1

That’s true. What’s your club?

MABEL

Arsenal

GUY 1 [EXCITED]

Ah my fellow gunner.

Guy 1 hugs her tightly. Mabel is almost suffocated and frees herself.

GUY 1 [SMILES]

I’m sorry. I just get excited when I see my true gunners.

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YANKEE BARBERS


Guy 1 looks to his side only to see his friend guy 4 looking at him mischievously.

GUY 4

Hmm! So you’ve abandoned Man U now?

Guy 1 signals to him to keep quiet.


The match between Chelsea and Arsenal is in full swing with Chelsea leading by a goal. Arsenal misses a chance and their supporters voice out their frustration.

SUFI

Ha mo gbe!

TIMI

Look at this stupid boy. BRT. He doesn’t ever know when to stop.

Simple chance that I will score!

SYLVESTER

You?! You think ball dey easy?

TIMI

Isn’t it to control the ball and put it in the net? I can do it better than that stupid winger. In short I am tired of all these stupid

Arsenal boys. Five years now they never win anything even carling cup.

I go leave them O!

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YANKEE BARBERS


SYLVESTER

But you’ve been winning the Emirates cup. (Smiles)That one no be cup, even if na pre season?

SUFI

Look if you want to leave, you can go. No be by force to support

Arsenal. As for me it is gunners for life.

SIRO

Gunners who have no guns. You guys say the same thing every season yet you go to fight a man’s battle with small kids.

SUFI

At least we get future. Chelsea na old people’s home.

SIRO

You don’t buy experience in the market. One of those players will buy your whole team.

SUFI

Look today’s football is played by young boys.

SIRO

No wonder your manager goes to the hospital maternity ward to go and buy players. Kai I never see Ijebu guy like that man.

SC 10. INT. BARBER SHOP - CONTINUOUS

42

YANKEE BARBERS


Arsenal has a chance to score. Arsenal supporters urge their team on as we see an excited fan who is unknowingly shifting off his seat.

When his team fails to score he is angry and falls off his seat.

Everybody laughs.

SIRO

See what professor has caused.

ELDER ZAACHEUS

This is crazy. Someone wants to die because of a team that doesn’t even know he exists.

PA NOJIMU

You have just seen the full height of his apperception.

ELDER ZAACHEUS

Chineke! Must you always use all this big big grammer?

PA NOJIMU

How else would anyone concur with that I was a teacher?

TIMI

Pa Nojimu! Dictionary himself.


43

YANKEE BARBERS


Arsenal finally scores a goal and the arsenal supporters find their voices again. Guy 1 hugs Mabel in celebration. Mabel has to forcefully free herself from guy 1 embrace. Sufi is ecstatic and does a dance with his backside aimed at Siro.

SIRO [ANNOYED]

What kind of selection is this? See that idiot, he can’t even defend a corner kick.

SUFI

Wetin I tell you? Wetin I tell you? (He makes a face at Siro and shouts) Up gunners.

Arsenal supporters reply his chant.

SUFI

I told you football is a young man’s game. See how Van Persie just dribbled all the old men in your defence.

SIRO

You’re just lucky. If not for that fool that didn’t mark him you wouldn’t be smiling.

SUFI

We will see now. Match just dey start.

44

YANKEE BARBERS



It’s the second half. The two teams are still playing a draw. Sufi is excited about an Arsenal chance and in the process hits Siro.

SIRO [ANGRY]

Come you dey craze? I will woz you now. Respect yourself O!

GUY 3

Oga take am easy. It’s just a game.

SUNDAY

For Siro it is more than a game. Chelsea is his whole life.

SIRO [AGITATED]

Score now, you idiots. Score now, na wetin.

Siro raises his legs and inadvertently trips on the wire. The whole crowd instantly becomes angry and shouts on him. Siro feels harassed.

SIRO [SHOUTS]

Una dey craze? You know who you dey shout at?

The crowd instantly falls silent Sylvester comes over to calm him down.

SYLVESTER

Take it easy Siro.

45

YANKEE BARBERS


SIRO {SHOUTS]

Imagine. A whole me, king of boys.

DORIS [LAUGHING]

Ha! Men are such babies. Is this what football is all about? What a stupid sport.


The TV is back on. Arsenal makes another move with their supporters expectant and this time they score a goal. Their supporters jubilate.

Mabel is also jubilant but smartly sidesteps to avoid guy 1 who was lunging for her. He falls down. Mabel smiles mischievously.

SC 14. INT. BARBER SHOP – CONTINUOUS

Sufi and Timi are jumping around like mad men while celebrating with other Arsenal supporters. Siro looks downcast and shakes his head as

Sufi repeats his celebratory dance.

SUFI

Siro baba, see my boys, they are too much. That is youth talking not old men who cannot run and spend all the time posing for camera. Ah this weekend go sweet.

TIMI

Stamford Bridge is falling down, falling down, falling down.

46

YANKEE BARBERS


SUFI

See what over experience can do to monkey.

PA NOJIMU

What an awe inspiring attempt. A bewitching exertion that is sure to inspire beautiful reminiscences in the nearest chronological era.

Timi and Sufi just look at themselves .


Dare enters the barber shop harassed and is annoyed at seeing Mabel on his seat.

DARE

What was that stunt that you pulled?

MABEL

Stunt? You think you’re the only one who knows how to disappear during working hours?

DARE

Eh hen! Enjoy. Just don’t forget the caramel powder I gave you for your rashes.

GUY 1 [DISGUSTED]

Yee!

47

YANKEE BARBERS


GUY 1 and 3 other guys move away from her. Mabel is very angry at Dare who walks away.


The match is in the last minutes with Arsenal still leading. Chelsea has a chance which makes Siro and other Chelsea supporters anxious.

SIRO [SHOUTS]

Oya enter. Pass, pass the ball now.

Chelsea disappoints as their supporters show their disgust. Arsenal fans increase their jubilating voices.

SIRO

Kai! Money don go O!

AKEEM

Ah, somebody don enter one chance.

DARE

So this was the rubbish I was rushing to come and see.

SYLVESTER

Before nko?!

Siro stands up in annoyance.

48

YANKEE BARBERS


SIRO

(Points at TV)God go punish all of you. Stupid boys

Siro walks out. The Arsenal supporters start singing mockingly ’they don dey go, they don dey go’ as Siro goes out.

DARE

This is rubbish! Utter rubbish!!

Dare goes out. The whistle is blown. Arsenal fans erupt into wild celebrations.

EPISODE 4

YANKEE HUSBAND

SC. 1 INT. BAR – DAY

Dare is at the bar doing his inventory when a guy walks up to him to make his order.

WILLIAMS

(American accent) What drinks do you have?

DARE [CYNICALLY]

Take a look at the shelf.

WILLIAMS

I am sorry but I just arrived into the country not long ago and I am not familiar with the offerings. I have not been in the country for the last fifteen years.

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YANKEE BARBERS


DARE

Were you smuggled out as a kid?

WILLIAMS

I would say literally. But I had an itch to come home and use my skills to develop my home country.

DARE [CYNICALLY]

Just like the others who have come here to be the savior to their backward brothers and sisters.

WILLIAMS

Well I wouldn’t put it that way. My folks want me to put down roots the homeland so I came with the intention of investing in some businesses.

Dare’s face lightens up as He looks up from the inventory and he becomes friendlier.

DARE.

That’s very good of you. This country needs more people like you to move it.

WILLIAMS

(Looking at shelf) Let me see, I will have that one with the blue logo.

DARE

Ah bros you’re more than that. Let me get you an international branded drink to welcome you home.

50

YANKEE BARBERS


Dare pulls out a drink and shows him. He pours out a glass.

WILLIAMS [DELIGHTED]

Oh great. You have this here? This is my favorite.

DARE

Isn’t this your lucky day?

Mabel comes over.

MABEL

Dare, we have some issues with...

DARE [HAUGHTILY]

Mabel, have you forgotten your manners? Can’t you see that I am attending to a customer?

MABEL

But the...

DARE

I will attend to you soon. (Waves hand)Now be gone.

Mabel goes off.

DARE

51

YANKEE BARBERS


I apologize for that rude intrusion. You know Nigerians are not used to customer service.

WILLIAMS

It’s okay. I am Williams.

DARE

They call me Dare.

WILLIAMS

(Takes a sip) Are you familiar with the dating scene here?

DARE [SMILES]

Oh, you really want to feel at home quickly.

WILLIAMS

Actually it’s much more than that. My folks back in the states want me to marry a local girl from here. In fact that’s a major reason for my presence in the country.

DARE

Have no fear. You are with the right man.

SC 2. INT. BAR – MOMENTS LATER

Mabel goes to a smiling Dare after the American returnee has left.

MABEL [ANNOYED]

What the hell did you think you’re doing back there? Afterwards, you will start shouting that I don’t inform you of anything.

52

YANKEE BARBERS


DARE

I was protecting your interest.

Mabel looks unbelieving and laughs.

DARE

And what is that for?

MABEL

With your reputation? Dare, please! The only people you look out for are you, you and you.

DARE

Ha people. And to think the guy was looking for someone to take back home to America as a wife

MABEL

Are you serious? Where is he?

DARE

Well, since you aren’t interested I will have to overlook you.

MABEL [PLEADS]

Please now Dare. I didn’t mean what I said.

53

YANKEE BARBERS


DARE

Too late. I am already contacting other ladies that will fit the bill.

MABEL

Ah ah Dare! Me, your personal person?

DARE

Are you serious about that? If you are I could put in a good word for you.

MABEL [HAPPY]

Really? Oh thank you Dare. I pro...

DARE

Not so fast. Prove it. (Stretches hand)

MABEL [SHOCKED]

DARE

When you’re chopping his money in Yankee will you even remember that I exist?


Dare!

54

YANKEE BARBERS


The Barbers are at work but Timi can’t stop talking about the American movie that he watched the previous day.

TIMI

Those Yankee people are too much. See technology. See yarns, beautiful and intelligent yarns.

SYLVESTER

Just don’t use it on that bread seller girl.

Everybody laughs.

TIMI

One day one day me too I go reach that Yankee.

AKEEM

You? With this your tribal marks, they go deport you before you even apply for visa.

SUNDAY

Then we will die trying as 50cents said. That country na heaven.

Everybody just dey fresh up. Not Africa here where things are so messed up. In fact I think Africa is cursed.

PA NOJIMU [ANNOYED]

How dare you divulge such bombastic absurdity from that unsanctimonous crevice of yours?

55

YANKEE BARBERS


SYLVESTER

Ah pa Nojimu, are we safe?

PA NOJIMU

How can we be safe when the supposed future leaders who are supposed to be building the future of this great country are tearing it down with fowl statements like that?

ELDER ZAACHEUS

Exactly. It is young people like you who will be entrusted with guiding the affairs of this great country.

TIMI

For where? Ever since they born me, it has been the same people running things in this country. How long will I continue to wait for them?

AKEEM

Timi is right. This country is a dream killer. Just imagine, a fine young man, (poses) like myself, will be having a house and driving the latest ride but look at me still suffering and smiling here.

SUNDAY

And I would have been playing for a top team in the premiership if I was born in another country.

ELDER ZAACHEUS

My friend charity starts from home. There are people who are making it big in this same country that you’re complaining about.

56

YANKEE BARBERS


DORIS

Either through politics or dirty runs. Those guys must be connected one way or the other. As for me I can’t wait to travel out of this hell. Their environment is neat. (Barbers support her) Everything function (Barbers support her) and their guys know how to treat women very well unlike Nigerians.

(Barbers voicing support but stop midway when they realize what she said)

DORIS

Yes. They know how to treat a woman like a queen that she truly is, pampering and spoiling her to no end unlike you Nigerians who are the direct opposites.

AKEEM

Doris, how can you talk like that? These are the same men that an

American magazine once ranked as the sexiest in the world.

ELDER ZAACHEUS

If you had answered me all this time that I was talking to you, you wouldn’t be saying such nonsense. Go and ask all my former girlfriends how I treated them right.

DORIS [GIGGLES]

Elder Zaacheus, you’re too old for me.

ELDER ZAACHEUS

(Stands up) My young lady, age is nothing but a number. (Moves waist around vigorously) Is this what you call old? By the time you try me, you wouldn’t know what hit you.

57

YANKEE BARBERS


BARBERS [HAILING]

Elder! Elder!!

ELDER ZAACHEUS

That is the power of the anointing.


Only Timi and Sunday are around. Dare comes to the door of the barbing shop and looks around as if looking for someone. Timi notices him.

TIMI

Oga Dare, you no want greet us?

DARE

No. Actually I was looking for Doris. You know where she is?

Doris enters the shop.

DARE

Ah, just the person I am looking for?

Doris looks around uneasily.

DARE

What’s the matter?

58

YANKEE BARBERS


DORIS [CYNICALLY]

With a whole Dare greeting me like that, Something must be wrong somewhere.

DARE

Let me cut to the chase. I have something for you.

Doris looks at him and laughs. Timi and Sunday join in. Dare is embarrassed.

DARE [ANNOYED]

What is the meaning of this impudence? I was just trying to be friendly.

SUNDAY

That is the problem.

DARE

Well I wanted to introduce you to a friend of mine that just came back from the United States and is looking for a wife but since you’re not interested...

Dare is walking out. Doris realizes what Dare said and quickly pulls him back.

DORIS

Did you say wife? You should have said that earlier now. So what’s the deal?

59

YANKEE BARBERS


DARE

He asked me to help him recommend a girl and...

DORIS

And you thought about me? Oh that’s so sweet.

DARE

Yeah, but you know there are a lot of girls interested in this. So I will want something to help bump you to the top of the list. Let’s call it a security vote.

Doris is shocked. The boys react.

SUNDAY

Gbam! That is the koko.

DORIS

Come what’s your problem? Why are you pocking your nose into my affairs?

TIMI

Sorry O!

Doris takes Dare to a corner.

DORIS

So how much is this security vote?

60

YANKEE BARBERS


Dare smiles.

SC 5. INT. BAR – DAY

Dare is working when Akeem and Sylvester enter to get drinks.

DARE

Oh, we have ‘guests’.

AKEEM

Dare, his royal highness. Get me my usual.

SYLVESTER

Same here. How’s work?

DARE [HAUGHTILY]

As you can see, things are going smoothly. Wish the same could be said about a certain barber shop.

AKEEM

Very smooth I would say. We can see it on the bar that you have been scrubbing for hours just to deceive yourself that you’re working.

DARE

Yes, cleanliness is next to Godliness. My customers like their surroundings to be neat unlike the garbage dump you people operate.

61

YANKEE BARBERS


SYLVESTER

Well, it’s not as dirty as the garbage dump inside you.

Dare is hurt but tries to cover it. Mabel comes along.

MABEL

Hi guys.

AKEEM/SYLVESTER

Hi Mabel.

AKEEM

Did anybody tell you that you look beautiful?

MABEL

Did anybody tell you that you talk too much?

DARE

Ouch! That must hurt.

MABEL

What’s up Sylvester? How’s work? You don’t even come to greet me.

SYLVESTER

Oh I have been very busy

MABEL

Making too much money.

62

YANKEE BARBERS


DARE

Yes. In his dreams.

SC 6. INT. BAR – CONTINUOUS

Williams comes in.

WILLIAMS

What’s up guys?

DARE

Hi Williams. What’s popping? How’s Nigeria been treating you?

WILLIAMS

Still trying to get used to the place. Everything here is so different. It’s as if Nigeria has it’s own peculiarities which can be crazy to a returnee like myself.

AKEEM

Welcome to Naija, my brother.

WILLIAMS

But it’s not all bad. People know how to rock their skins off here.

The clubs, the music, the girls...

Mabel clears her throat loudly as signal to Dare.

DARE

63

YANKEE BARBERS


(Introducing Mabel to Williams)By the way meet Mabel. Mabel, meet

Williams my friend.

AKEEM

Friend? That’s a new one.

WILLIAMS

Forgive me that I didn’t notice you my lady. (He kisses Mabel’s hand.

She is excited) You are exquisite, my darling.

MABEL

Oh thank you.

WILLIAMS

Dare has told me a lot about you but it’s obvious that he didn’t tell me half of the story. Why don’t we hook up tonight by let’s say 7pm, I will want someone to guide me around the joints in this city. (Gives her card) Call me.

MABEL

(Takes card) Alright. I will call you by then. (Shakes his hand) It’s been nice meeting you em...

WILLIAMS

Williams.

MABEL

Yeah Williams

64

YANKEE BARBERS


She stares at him dreamily. Dare breaks the reverie.

DARE

Mabel, don’t you have some things to take care of.

MABEL

Oh yes. Sorry. (Going off)So Williams, we will see tonight?

WILLIAMS

No problem, sweetheart

Mabel goes off. Guys stare at her.

WILLIAMS

That is one hot chick.

AKEEM

My thoughts exactly!

WILLIAMS

Nice one there Dare.

DARE

Thanks.

WILLIAMS

Let’s celebrate. Drinks on me.

65

YANKEE BARBERS


Guys hail Williams as Dare goes to get the drinks.


Akeem is telling the others about the encounter with Williams at the bar.

AKEEM

That’s how he bought drinks for all of us that day. This guy clean up die. From his shoes all the way to his designer suit and the leather wallet, you could smell money all over him. On Saturday we went to a shopping mall to just flex. If you know what the guy spent, you will bow.

SYLVESTER

My brother, money good O!

DORIS

Before nko! That’s money talking.

SUNDAY

Ha God. Help me do my own now. I must travel to Europe anyhow, anyhow.

PA NOJIMU

You people are just parambulating with your bucal cavities about a homo sapien whose source of income is incognito? How are you sure that that man is not a criminal element? A citizen who has to make his livelihood through drudgery will not lavish money that way.

66

YANKEE BARBERS


AKEEM

Pa Nojimu, leave all that grammar. The guy will be coming here later in the evening so if you like don’t collect your share of the national cake.

PA NOJIMU

God forbid. What will I do with such accursed money?

DORIS

It’s even good if you don’t collect it. It will make my own share bigger. As for me I don’t care where he gets his money from. All I care about is that he can provide for his own, which is what I have always wanted in a man. Responsible and romantic

TIMI

I seconded that.

Everybody laughs at Timi’s gaffe. Timi is confused.

TIMI

What did I say now?


The barbers are working with some customers waiting when Williams enters.

WILLIAMS

What’s up guys?

67

YANKEE BARBERS


AKEEM

Hey Williams, my guy. Welcome to Yankee barbers. How you dey?

SYLVESTER

Hi Williams. Enjoying the country?

WILLIAMS

So far so good. I came to take you up on your offer of the haircut but it seems you guys are pretty busy. Maybe I should come back.

DORIS

Oh no, you don’t have to. They’ve almost finished with one of the customers, isn’t it Akeem?

AKEEM

Yes.

WILLIAMS

You work here?

DORIS

Well, something like that. I am Doris.

WILLIAMS

Doris. A beautiful name to go with a beautiful girl. (He kisses Doris hands) Call me Williams. So what’s your job here?

68

YANKEE BARBERS


We focus on the two elders who are looking at Williams (who is talking with Doris) with disdain.

PA NOJIMU

Imagine. All the proletariat care about is the stipends they can get from the bourgeoisie. Nobody believes in the dignity of labor anymore.

ELDER ZAACHEUS

My friend the bible has said it already. We are in the end times but that doesn’t mean I will follow them in their terrible behavior.

PA NOJIMU

True talk my friend. We must hold the fort against the rampaging ills that threaten to wipe away our society as we know it.

ELDER ZAACHEUS

Yes!

Williams comes over to them.

WILLIAMS

Good evening sirs.


Akeem has just finished cutting the hair of a customer who stands up.

The customer next in line comes over but Akeem stops him.

AKEEM

69

YANKEE BARBERS


Sorry sir, it’s not your turn.

CUSTOMER

But I have been waiting...

AKEEM

I know but this bros is going somewhere important (Shouts) Williams?

Williams who had been talking with the elders (who are smiling) leave them.

WILLIAMS

Alright sirs. Enjoy your evening (He goes off)

PA NOJIMU

(pockets money)This boy is good. I wish I had offsprings like him.

Yes, omoluabi. This boy knows his roots

ELDER ZAACHEUS

Shebi you were yabbing him the other time.

We see Williams take his seat as customer storms out.

PA NOJIMU (O.S.)

I wasn’t referring to him. I was just talking generally.

70

YANKEE BARBERS



Williams has had his haircut and is checking himself in the mirror.

WILLIAMS

Nice. This is really impressive.

AKEEM

You should expect nothing less from the experts at yankee barbers.

Williams and Akeem laugh. Williams stands up

WILLIAMS

Funny name. Like the Yankees.

AKEEM

Yes, we are the best.

Williams pays him and gives him a generous tip.

AKEEM

Oh thank you very much sir. God will bless you sir. God will bless your family sir. God will bless your generations’ unborn sir.

WILLIAMS

You deserve it.

Doris comes over.

71

YANKEE BARBERS


DORIS

I see you like your haircut.

Yeah, but not as much as I will enjoy taking you out on a date.

Doris is speechless.

WILLIAMS

WILLIAMS

Let me come and pick you up by seven tomorrow. Are you okay with that?

DORIS [THRILLED]

More than okay.

MABEL [O.S.]

It is not OK.

Mabel bursts in angrily. Williams and Doris are shocked.

MABEL

How can you do this to me, Doris? After all I have done for you; you have the nerve to stab me in the back.

DORIS [CONFUSED]

What are you talking about?

72

YANKEE BARBERS


MABEL

Don’t pretend to me. What are you doing with my boyfriend?

DORIS

Excuse me, are you well at all?

MABEL

It’s you that is not well. I know you’ve never had any positive feelings towards me.

DORIS

And why should I, when you’ve gone out with nearly half the men in this city? For your information Williams asked me out so that doesn’t make you his girl. Besides what will he doing with someone like you?

Williams had sneaked away. Mabel is furious and is about to lunge at

Doris when Sylvester steps in.

SYLVESTER

Calm down ladies. This is not the time or place for this.

DORIS

Sylvester, warn her O! warn her O! or else somebody will die here today.

MABEL

Shut up there. Just dey run your mouth like fowl

TIMI

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(To Himself) What is wrong with this Sylvester sef? He just dey spoil show for man when I don balance ready to watch home video live and direct. Nonsense.

The girls argue on with Akeem and Sylvester trying to settle the matter.


The argument is still on when the customer who had earlier stormed out comes in with two plain clothed policemen and points at William. The policemen go over to Williams.

POLICEMAN 1

Good evening sir.

WILLIAMS

Good evening.

POLICEMAN 1

We are from the police. (They flash their identity cards). Are you Mr.

Williams?

The argument stops at that moment as everyone notices the policemen.

WILLIAMS

Yes. How can I help you?

POLICEMAN 1

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You have to come with us to the station. We have some questions to ask you.

WILLIAMS [CONCERNED]

I don’t understand you, officer. What is the meaning of this? You can’t just walk in and take me to the station without a reason.

CUSTOMER

(Stepping forward) Then let me refresh your memory.

Williams looks at customer as recognition dawns on his face.

CUSTOMER

Ah you remember me? Your memory is good. But unfortunately it won’t save you today.

AKEEM

(Comes over) Sir, why all this now? I explained everything to you. I was even going to add some extras for the inconvenience.

CUSTOMER

Save it for the others. (Points at Williams) This man here is a fraudster who the police have been looking for six years ago.

EVERYBODY [SHOCKED]

What?!

SUNDAY

(Shouts) Number six (He writes it down while the others look at him.)

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CUSTOMER

Yes. Six years ago in Port Harcourt this man defrauded my elder brother of ten million naira in a business deal and ran away to

America. Because of that deal my brother’s business crashed and he lost everything he had.

People express shock at the revelation.

SUNDAY

Ah ten. Two sure numbers (He writes it down while the others look at him as if he was mad. He notices) Oh sorry (He puts own biro and smiles)

CUSTOMER [CONT’D]

You never thought that you will meet anybody who knew you in Port

Harcourt here in Lagos? (He laughs) Your holiday is over. (To policemen) Officers, let’s go.

The policemen lead a shocked Williams away. Everybody reacts.

AKEEM

Jesus! So I have dining with a criminal without knowing.

ELDER ZAACHEUS

At least yours is better. What about these two ladies who want to kill themselves over him?

TIMI [MOCKINLY]

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Foreign men know how to treat their women as queens.

The others laugh as Doris and Mabel look ashamed of themselves.

EPISODE 5

SURE BANKER


Akeem is checking out the sterilization unit when Sunday points something out.

SUNDAY

Bros Akeem, look out. Trailer dey come inside this shop O!

Akeem is scared and frantically looks for a place to hide. Timi goes out of shot.

AKEEM

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Eh where where?

SUNDAY

It’s not that kind of trailer. I am talking of Bernice, Timi’s wife.

Akeem steadies himself as everybody laughs at him. Bernice, a local girl dressed shabbily, enters the shop angrily.

BERNICE

Good day. Please where is Timi?

Everybody looks around but can’t find Timi. Bernice notices him crouching behind a chair. She goes to him and pulls him off.

TIMI

What is it now? Can’t you see that I want to charge my phone?

BERNICE

Which phone?

Timi notices that there is no phone in the socket and smiles sheepishly at being caught. Bernice opens her hand.

BERNICE

Oya! Where is Junior’s chop money?

TIMI

Bernice, take am easy now. Shebi I don explain to you.

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BERNICE

Is it explain that your son will eat? Look here Timi; I don’t have time for all this your talk talk. Just give me my money.

TIMI

Bernice, try and understand. I don’t have much with me.

BERNICE

And how does that concern me? When you dey do me no complain. Now you have a son you’re complaining. Give me my money O’jare?

Timi counts some notes and hands it over to Bernice who is disgusted and claps hand mockingly.

BERNICE [ANGRILY]

Wetin be this? What do you expect me to do with this?

TIMI

Please manage it. I told you I....

BERNICE

I am not leaving this shop until you give me enough money to take care of our son. If you like try me.

Timi looks around for support but the others who had been looking at them shun him and go about their duties. Timi reluctantly adds some notes and gives to Bernice who snatches it and hisses as she goes out.

The others laugh at Timi who is embarrassed.

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Everybody is still laughing at Timi.

AKEEM

Ara oke, you dey try o! That na real trailer. No wonder you wan run.

SYLVESTER

Baba junior, my sister dey sell SMA baby formula. Make I bring am?

They all laugh.

DORIS

All you guys, always acting with your lower region without thinking out the consequences. Baby daddy.

TIMI

You don’t understand this girl. Bernice too dey demand...

ELDER ZAACHEUS

And it is your prerogative to provide for her and your son. That is the problem with today’s generation; they don’t want to accept responsibility.

PA NOJIMU

Don’t mind them, always wanting to eat their cake and have it. When you’re copulating with her why didn’t you use protection? Now you’re finding it a gargantuan task to sire your offspring. If you knew you were not up to the charge you should have exhorted your libido.

ELDER ZAACHEUS

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This hardly happened in our time. People had a sense of caution while doing their thing. Now there seems to be an epidemic of children giving birth to children leading to the risk of more social miscreants. If you can’t bear the results use protection or you abstain.


There is a lull in business. Timi sits dejected. Sylvester goes over to him.

SYLVESTER

Timi, what’s wrong?

TIMI

It’s this Bernice girl and her trouble. Her demands just take all my money. How much do I make? I am tired of all this wahala. Sometimes I think of just running away where noboby can find me.

SYLVESTER

And you think that will solve the problem? (Sits down) Look guy, things happen that we regret and wish we didn’t do but complaining about it will not solve the problem. We just have to face it head on.

TIMI

But when it’s too much, what can I do?

SYLVESTER

I don’t pretend to know the answers but maybe it’s a challenge that you have to face on your way to your goal. At least you had something in mind when you came to Lagos.

Timi nods head.

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SYLVESTER

So be a man and do something about it. Try to cut down on what you spend and save some money every month that you can use for something like going to school or...

TIMI

Which money? Is it that thing that I get every month that can’t do anything?

SYLVESTER

Well, I know it’s not easy. But it’s not the amount of money that matters but how you manage the money. There are people who earn less than you and yet have large savings and there are people I know who make huge money but yet are broke. Take your job here serious and who knows in the nearest future you could open your own business and make good money that you can use to take care of your son or better yet save towards a university degree that will get you a good paying job.

(Beat) So take it easy my brother. Follow my advice and it will be well, okay?

TIMI

Yes. (Beat) Thank you bros Sylvester.

SYLVESTER

(Getting up) Anytime Timi, anytime.


Sufi comes into the shop.

SUFI

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Eyin temi, wetin dey?

Guys hail Sufi.

AKEEM

How market now?

SUFI

We dey push am. Na you guys dey enjoy. See as una sit down under fan dey work.

SYLVESTER

But you guys dey chop the money now. We dey see how those union leaders dey buy duplexes all over the country.

SUFI

Those are the leaders, no be boy boy like us.

SUNDAY

Sufi, any show?

SUFI

In fact na because of you I fall in today. I get two numbers from a veeery reliable source. The guy na insider and he tell me that this numbers must surely come out so you want.

SUNDAY

(Collects numbers) Sufi, you sure? That’s how you talked about the last one you bought and nothing happened.

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SUFI

Ah guy, you know how many people dey look for that number. I search like madman before I get am. In short this na sure banker.

SUNDAY

Okay O. I go play am. Sufi, Sufi my correct guy. (Shakes his hand)

SUFI

You suppose know now. No forget me when you hammer O!

Sufi goes out.

SYLVESTER

Sunday, you and this Baba Ijebu thing! You people are just throwing money into the drain.

SUNDAY

Bros Sylvester, forget that thing. You know how many people don make am with Baba Ijebu?

DORIS

You know how many people have lost with Baba Ijebu?

SUNDAY

That is not my portion in Jesus name. I know that this year is my year. You watch me

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SC 5. BAR – DAY

A customer is pleading with Dare who is unyielding as ever.

IK

It’s not as if I planned this. I just can’t find my wallet and my ATM card is in it. Please just allow me credit this one time.

DARE

(Laughs Haughtily) You think I was born yesterday? That is the most unoriginal excuse I have heard in all the years I have worked here.

IK

But you should know me by now. I do come here regularly.

DARE

And maybe that’s why you want to try this stunt on me. But my guy I am sorry it’s not working on me.

IK

Look I know it’s inconvenient for you but I forgot my wallet in the office. Once I get it back I promise to reward you for this small sacrifice on your part.

DARE

Story. (Holds up an apron) This should just be the right size for you.

The kitchen could use an extra hand.

MABEL

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Comes over)what’s going on here?

DARE

Ask him.

IK

Please I forgot my wallet in the office and I hardly have any cash on me. I have been pleading with your barman to let me go so that the next time I come I will have the money and even give him an extra tip but he’s not budging.

MABEL

Ah ah Dare, don’t you know this man? He’s a regular customer here.

DARE

So was the last guy who failed to pay.

MABEL

Common Dare be considerate. Let him go and he will pay us back. He is a responsible guy. If he doesn’t come, take it off my paycheck.

DARE

Ah you really serious about this?

MABEL

You just heard me.

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DARE

(Beat) Alright, I will take your advice. It’s your funeral.

IK

Oh madam thank you very much I am really grateful. I am IK.

MABEL

Am Mabel. Just make sure you honor your word.

IK

I will sure do that. Thanks once again (He goes off)

DARE

You’re not normally this nice Mabel. What changed your mind?

MABEL

Easy. He’s a senior manager in a telecoms company who earns over three hundred k monthly.

Mabel goes off as Dare realizes his mistake.


Pa Nojimu is playing draft with Elder Zaacheus. Pa Nojimu makes a move which delights his opponent.

ELDER ZAACHEUS

Good. Let me savor this special moment in my life when I beat...no when I trashed Nojimu seven boards to nothing, when the Gods of victory decided to favor your’s truly Zaacheus. This is a momentous day in...

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PA NOJIMU [ANNOYED]

Will you play this thing my friend?

Elder Zaacheus makes a show of making his triple move.

ELDER ZAACHEUS

Watch and see your destruction (Makes a move) One, (Another move) two, (Final move) three.

Elder Zaacheus stands up delighted and celebrates his win with a song that he dances to.

PA NOJIMU

This is preposterous. A mere flash in the pan.

ELDER ZAACHEUS

Oyibo repete, I don beat Nojimu, oyibo repete.

But Elder Zaacheus sings it with his Calabar accent making Pa Nojimu to laugh at both the song and his funny dance.

PA NOJIMU

Zaachewu, is it by force to speak Yoruba? Look at how you’re annihilating the idiom of expression. And where did you learn your abhorrent boogie?

ELDER ZAACHEUS

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You own the grammer but I am the one who has won.

He continues dancing while Pa Nojimu laughs.

AKEEM

Look at them. That is all they do every day, playing draft as if their lives depend on it.

DORIS

Do you blame them? Maybe that is what is keeping them alive.

AKEEM [EARNESTLY]

(Looks up in prayer)Baba God, please do something to that draft board.


Sunday enters the shop and surprises the others by making straight to the dancing elder Zaacheus and dances with him singing ‘Winner oh oh oh winner’ song. Elder Zaacheus celebrates with him making Pa Nojimu surprised.

PA NOJIMU

Is it because he beat me that you’re celebrating?

ELDER ZAACHEUS

You know in the bible it is said he who celebrates with a winner will have the winner’s blessings. Isn’t it my son?

SUNDAY

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Celebrate what? I came to tell you that I have won money in Baba

Ijebu.

Everybody is happy.

TIMI

How much?

SUNDAY

(Sounds sad) Only ten thousand.

SYLVESTER

Then why are you sad all of a sudden?

SUNDAY

Because I should have listened to Sufi and played with bigger money.

DORIS

How are you sure that you would have won?

SUNDAY

Sufi said so.

AKEEM

So Sufi is suddenly an expert on Baba Ijebu.

SUNDAY

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He gave me the numbers for this one. So who knows? Maybe he is an expert.

TIMI

Anyway no forget to wash am with us.


Dare is at the bar when IK comes in.

DARE [PATRONISING]

Oh my good friend Ik, you’re back. How are you doing?

IK

Fine. You’re looking so different from when I saw you last.

DARE

Oh about the last time, please don’t mind me. I was feeling a bit under the weather.

IK

(Hands over money)Here is your money.

DARE

I knew you would bring the money back. I was only pulling your legs about the apron the other day.

Dare collects money while Mabel comes over.

MABEL

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Hi IK.

IK

Hi Mabel, thanks for the other day.

MABEL

Oh it’s nothing.

DARE

I also played a part too O!

IK

I bought you something in appreciation (Gives her some cash)

Dare’s eyes almost pop out in amazement as Mabel receives the money.

MABEL

Oh thank you Ik.

IK

That’s my card. I will call you sometime. Okay

MABEL

Ok.

Ik goes out.

DARE

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Is there anything I can help you with my friend? I can provide home service.


Sufi comes into the barber shop.

SUFI

Eyin Temi wetin dey?

Boys hail him.

SUFI

Sunny my man.

SUNDAY

Sufi Baba, you too much.

SUFI

The way you’re smiling I am sure you have used those sure banker numbers I gave you.

SUNDAY

Before nko?

SUFI [DELIGHTED]

Ehn! Sunny my man, (Shakes his hand) correct guy. (He hugs him)

SUNDAY

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That your source na sure banker. Do you have any other number from them?

Sufi gives Sunday a piece of paper.

SUFI

You wan try.

SUFI

This one go big wella. If you know how I get these numbers you go bow.

This one too sure. In fact if you get house bet am on it, you go get two houses. That is how sure I dey of these numbers.

SUNDAY

Sufi baba.

SUFI

Sunny my man.

SUNDAY

Sufi baba, (Shakes his hand) you too much.


Timi meets Sunday (with a beer) in the bar.

TIMI

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Guy, what’s up now? This one that you’re calling me outside the shop it better be good

SUNDAY

Dare?

DARE [CYNICALLY]

What?

SUNDAY

Will you come here and get my friend a beer? What’s wrong with you?

DARE

So because you’ve stolen some money you think you can order me around?

SUNDAY

And why not? Am I not a customer? A paying customer for that matter?

SUNDAY [CONT’D}

Timi my guy, I have a business for you that can make you rich.

TIMI

Eh hen? I dey listen.

DARE

(Brings the beer to Timi) Enjoy it while it lasts. (He goes off)

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SUNDAY

I want you to invest in my business. I have two sure banker numbers that I got from a reliable inside source and I want to invest big so that I ...we will be rich.

TIMI

Sunday, you want me to play Baba Ijebu?

SUNDAY

No, I want you to improve your life. Do you like how that Bernice girl comes to embarrass you every time? Won’t you like to shut her mouth up by throwing some cash into it? Do you like Akeem and Sylvester ordering you about like a robot? Don’t you want to be rich?

TIMI

I do but Baba Ijebu...

SUNDAY

Timi, there comes a time when you have to make that life changing move. This is the time. I just need you to borrow me five thousand naira.

TIMI

Five k?!

SUNDAY

Look if I win which I am sure of, you will get back twenty five k before the next three days.

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TIMI

Did you say twenty five K?

SUNDAY

Yes. So when can you give me the money?

TIMI

Em let me think about it.

SUNDAY

Think ke! With a fantastic business opportunity like this? Guy no dull yourself.


Akeem is angry with Sunday over a haircut that wasn’t done properly.

AKEEM

What is wrong with you? Can’t you do anything right?

SUNDAY

Sorry bros.

AKEEM

Sorry? You’re always saying sorry. Instead of paying attention to your work, you’re either dreaming of Baba Ijebu numbers or playing football abroad.

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SUNDAY

But I did most of it well. It was just a small thing that I didn’t do.

AKEEM

And that small thing can ruin everything. That’s why you have to be focused on your work. Focus young man, focus. This is the last warning

I will give you. The next time you will not be so lucky.

SUNDAY

Sorry...

AKEEM

I don’t want to hear that again. (He goes off)

Sunday goes to sit down angrily in a corner.

SUNDAY

I am tired of all this rubbish. Sunday this, Sunday that. They want to put everything on my head. Am I the only one here?

DORIS

Better stop complaining and learn from your mistakes. You’re lucky that someone is correcting you.

SUNDAY

Does that mean that he has to shout on me all the time? When I win my money we will see who he will shout at.

ELDER ZAACHEUS

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Just because you won the last time doesn’t mean that you will win again.

SUNDAY

Look elder Zaacheus, if you know where I got those numbers you will know why I am confident of winning tomorrow. I can feel it within me that I am already a winner and by this time tomorrow my swagger will change.

PA NOJIMU

Anyway be careful about counting your chickens before they are hatched. Life is full of surprises.

SC 12. INT. BARBERSHOP – DAY

It’s the start of the work day .Sunday who is dressed to kill is cleaning the floor while singing “This is the day that the Lord has made”. Timi joins him in singing the song.

SUNDAY

Timi my man!

TIMI

Sunny Baba. Is today the D day?

SUNDAY

Yes. I am going to check the results of the game I told you about.

This is the day that our swagger will change forever.

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TIMI

Sunny Baba. (Shakes his hand)

SUNDAY

That’s me.

Sylvester and Doris come in. Sunday and Timi greet them.

SYLVESTER

You are really in a cheerful mood this morning, Sunday. What are you celebrating? Is today your birthday?

SUNDAY

Something like that. Today is the day that I am reborn. Something great is about to happen in my life.

DORIS

You’ve won the lottery?

SUNDAY

Almost. I am going to the Baba Ijebu office to go and collect my winnings that my special numbers have generated.

SYLVESTER

Wow! That’s good. You are really lucky.

SUNDAY

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Of course now. I was born on Sunday, the day of the lord. Why wouldn’t

I be lucky?

Pa Nojimu and Elder Zaacheus enter the shop. Sunday and Timi greet them.

PA NOJIMU

I discern that you have started beating the drums for the consummation of your triumph in the sweepstakes.

SUNDAY [CONFUSED]

Sir?

ELDER ZAACHEUS

He’s just congratulating you in advance. Have you gone to collect your winnings?

SUNDAY

(Moves to the door)I was just about to go.

ELDER ZAACHEUS

Don’t forget us O!

TIMI [HURRIEDLY]

My friend go quickly now before we start work.

Sunday rushes out excitedly almost knocking down Akeem. He apologizes and rushes out.

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AKEEM

What’s his problem?

SC 13. INT BARBING SALON – DAY

Everyone is working when Sunday slowly walks in. Timi goes to meet him excitedly.

TIMI

Sunny Baba how far? I am sure you don collect am. Oya bring the money sharp sharp I don get plans for that my twenty five K. Wetin do you, moto jam you?

DORIS

Sunday what’s wrong? You’re looking dull. Did you lose anybody?

SUNDAY

Yes. Baba Ijebu.

TIMI

Baba Ijebu don die?

SUNDAY

No! I am talking about the numbers.

TIMI [ANXIOUS]

Come, they no give you the money?

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SUNDAY

Which money? The numbers didn’t come out.

Sunday plunks down on a chair.

TIMI

Yeee! So what about the money I gave you?

SYLVESTER

That’s new. So you play Baba Ijebu too, Timi?

AKEEM

Jamb question. Your money don waka.

SUNDAY

Ha! I shouldn’t have put my ten thousand naira in it O!

Everybody reacts in surprise.

ELDER ZAACHEUS

Jesus! You played a game of luck with ten thousand?

PA NOJIMU

My Good lord, what a catastrophic event of monumental proportions! How could you be so moronic to do something so witless?

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ELDER ZAACHEUS

Well young man, I told you to beware of counting your chickens before they were hatched and now the eggs were not there in the first place.

TIMI

Sunday, my five K?!

Timi lunges at Sunday shouting on him to produce his money. The others try to pry him away from Sunday.

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EPISODE 6

NEW JOB

SC 1. INT. BARBING SALON - DAY

Sunday is telling the others about a football team trial that he went for and has no love lost for the coach of the team

SUNDAY

I did everything right. I dribbled, I passed, I even scored a goal but for where? This coach no look my side. At the end he was telling me that I have no future in football. Imagine, me Sunday born on the day of the Lord has no future in my God given field?

DORIS

Have you ever thought that he might be right?

SUNDAY

How can he be right? Have you seen my skills? (Demonstrates his football skills) See talent. You wan try?

AKEEM

So because you can move your feet in different ways that means any football club should sign you?

SUNDAY

Don’t worry bros Akeem. You will soon see me in the under seventeen national team by the grace of God.

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TIMI

Sunday, old man like you wan play for junior team?

SUNDAY

That is what everybody is doing now. Any which way I must get to

Europe.

ELDER ZAACHEUS

You see the problem with Nigerian football? Old men are claiming to be kids. By the time they get to their late twenties they become tired legs. Can you imagine that the NFA invited the top scorer in the football league to the under seventeen national team? This is a player that has been playing for four years now.

PA NOJIMU

Meaning that he has been exerting himself in the ball juggling act since he was thirteen! This is a malady that never ensued in our generation. Now even the female footballers are not left out.

DORIS

That is why I hardly celebrate their junior world cup wins. It’s cheating on a massive scale. But that is what the country has turned everybody into.


Sylvester comes into the shop restless . He holds his phone and checks it anxiously.

AKEEM

Guy what’s up? Hope there is no problem?

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SYLVESTER

None at all.

DORIS

Are you sure? Because you’re acting so restless which is unlike you?

AKEEM [SMILES]

I know what’s wrong. (Moves close to Sylvester) You’re expecting a babe ehn? Come on pally, who is the babe? You need any help with lyrics? I am the best in the business.

SYLVESTER

It’s not that. I am expecting a very important call.

AKEEM

Hmmph! Igbo boy representing.

TIMI

Hey! Bros Sylvester don hammer. Too much money!

SUNDAY

Anything for the boys?

SYLVESTER

Guys stop it. It’s nothing.

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DORIS

It’s nothing yet you’re pacing up and down.

Sylvester’s phone rings. He quickly picks it up.

SYLVESTER [ANXIOUSLY]

Hello, how far now? I have been... (Lowers voice)Oh it’s you Ada...How do you expect me to know the whereabouts of your underwear?

Sylvester cuts phone irritated.

PA NOJIMU

It must be an exigent call to make you become disquiet.

TIMI

Pa Nojimu this guy no quite O!

PA NOJIMU

I know that you ignoramus.

Sylvester receives another call.

SYLVESTER

Hello...You’re around where...okay, I am coming now. (Cuts call) Akeem

I am coming back very soon

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AKEEM

Just bring something for me.

Sylvester goes out.

SC 3. INT. BAR - DAY

Dare is serving a young man in a suit who is reading a newspaper.

DARE

Did you watch that match yesterday? That Drogba goal was something else!

MR IBONG

Uh huh.

DARE

That man is just too much. He ran all the way from the center circle to score that goal.

MR IBONG

Uh huh.

DARE

And some idiots have the nerve to say that he is finished. People just talk anyhow.

MR IBONG

Uh huh

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Dare notices that the man was not even looking up from the newspaper.

DARE

Do you even know what I am talking about?

MR. IBONG

Uh huh.

DARE [WHISPERS]

High class idiot!

MR. IBONG

Uh Huh.

Dare looks at this strange man and is wondering when Sylvester comes in with some certificates.

SYLVESTER

Oh Mr Ibong I am sorry about the delay.

Man looks up for the first time.

MR. IBONG

Do you have them?

Sylvester gives him the certificates. Mr ibong collects it and looks on. They look at each other for a while then Mr Ibong rubs his fingers to indicate money.

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SYLVESTER

Oh the money. Sorry I forgot, here.

Sylvester brings out envelope which he hands over to Mr. Ibong.

SYLVESTER

So when will I hear from you about the job?

MR IBONG

Very soon. Just make sure you show up at the interview.

SYLVESTER

Thank you very much sir.

The man goes out. Dare comes out.

DARE

You must be gifted to be able to hold a conversation with that guy.

What does he do by the way apart from boning everybody?

SYLVESTER

Dare, can I tell you something?

DARE

Yes.

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SYLVESTER

Mind your own business.

Sylvester gets up to leave. He meets Mabel who is just coming in.


Sylvester and Mabel greet each other.

MABEL

Hi Sylvester.

SYLVESTER

Hi Mabel. (Goes off)How are you doing?

MABEL

Great.

SYLVESTER

Sorry I have to rush back to the shop. We will see later.

MABEL

Okay

Mabel looks on as Sylvester goes out. Dare is irritated.

DARE

How do you cope with those ruffians?

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MABEL

The same way I cope with you. By the way you know that guy I told you about on Friday?

DARE

The guy who looked like he belonged to a zoo and said that he was married? Yes.

MABEL

Well, he took me out this weekend and we will be going out this evening.

DARE

Hmm nice one. I hope he didn’t transfer the ebola virus to you because that...

MABEL

Oh Dare stop it. Do you always have to be cynical?

DARE

I am just trying to be realistic when everybody has his head in the sky.

MABEL

Maybe you should come up and put your head in the sky for a while. It should clear whatever is blocking your brain from functioning.

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Barbers are working when Sufi comes in.

SUFI

Eyin temi, wetin dey?

Boys hail Sufi.

SUFI

Em Akeem I get something I wan discuss with you.

AKEEM

I no hold.

SUFI

Why you dey behave like this now? You no even know wetin I wan ask?

(Whispers) Look guy, at all at all na him bad pass. Just five k and I go return am by weekend.

AKEEM

Guy If you turn me and shake me. Any money you see take am. I no get shishi.

Sylvester turns out his pockets disappointing Sufi.

SUFI

(To Sylvester) My nigger sly!

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SUFI

(To Sunday) Sunny baba! How far now? Any show?

SUNDAY

Sufi, things are rough…

SUFI

No tell me that one O! After all the numbers I have given you. Just five K now. I go repay you with some special numbers from one correct source.


A girl and a guy come into the barber shop. They greet everybody including the elders and head to Doris Stand. Elder Zaacheus just stares at girl and loses concentration at the draft game that he is playing with Pa Nojimu.

PA NOJIMU

Zaacheus!

Zaacheus recovers from reverie.

PA NOJIMU

What was your vision contemplating like that of a hawk?

ELDER ZAACHEUS

Ah you won’t understand. Don’t you know I fell under the anointing?

You think being an elder is easy?

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The girl brings out two braids from Doris stand and shows her boyfriend who is moody.

MARY

Which one do you think will fit me more?

TUNDE

I don’t know. Anyone will do for me.

MARY

I think I will take this one (Chooses the one on her right) It will give me that Beyonce look, don’t you think? (Notices guys aloofness)

Sweetheart, what’s wrong? You’re not yourself at all today.

TUNDE [ANGRY]

That’s true and you know why?

MARY

Is it because Arsenal lost?

TUNDE

I am tired of your lifestyle. You always make me spend more money than necessary so that you can keep up with your friends. If it is not

Brazilian hair, it has to be the latest platform shoe. If it’s not the latest designer top it has to be the latest designer perfume. How many times will I tell you that you’re beautiful just as you are and don’t need all these artificial stuff?

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MARY

But I thought we talked about this before. We have to package ourselves before my friends. You know how they are.

TUNDE

Yes and that’s the problem. All this packaging makes me sick. It is putting a deep hole in my pocket. For God’s sake how much do I earn? I am sorry Mary but it’s over.

MARY

But you can’t do that. What will people say?

TUNDE

That’s your problem, not mine. (He walks out)

MARY

Tunde please come back. We can work it out. I love you.

Girl cries when she realizes that Tunde is gone. She looks at the braids, throws it down in confusion and weeps. Doris goes over to her.


Doris is consoling Mary.

DORIS

Sorry ehn? How can that guy be so heartless?

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MARY

After all I have done for him?

DORIS

Sorry. (Beat) That’s the problem with us women. We live our lives for our men as if they are the only things that matter.

MARY

Isn’t that the reason we do all the things we do?

DORIS

You’re right but for once why can’t we just live for ourselves for once instead of a man? This is not the end of the world. He doesn’t deserve you. Why don’t you go out with your girlfriends to a night out and forget about men for a while?

MARY

All my girlfriends are in a relationship.

DORIS

Then just go out yourself. Have fun. You can’t live your life drooling for a man. They aren’t worth it. There is much more to life than having a man.

SC 9. INT BARBER SHOP – CONTINUOUS

A handsome guy walks into the shop. Doris notices the guy and stares at him. The guy walks in (slow motion) towards Doris who is getting

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WRITTEN BY JOVI BABS, DAPO LANRE BADMUS AND TOLA BOLAJI anxious. The guy comes to her stand with Doris looking at the guy and infatuated with him.

GUY

Good day. Are you the one selling here?

DORIS

I...em...yes. (She stands up smiling)

GUY

I am looking for Brazilian hair for my girl. You know which one will be the best?

DORIS

Anyone will look good on you.

GUY

I meant for my girlfriend.

DORIS

Oh! Sorry. (She checks her stand)

GUY

Are you all right?

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DORIS

I have never felt better.


Sylvester suddenly enters the shop in annoyance and sits down surprising the others.

PA NOJIMU

My Good Lord. Sylvester, what rambunctious phantom has suddenly possessed your medulla oblongata?

DORIS

Sylvester, what happened?

SYLVESTER

It’s chairman. I just went to him to talk about a raise in my salary but he refused saying I have not worked enough for it.

DORIS

You went to ask chairman for a raise? But you know that is harder than going through the eye of a needle.

AKEEM

Better go and collect your refund from that your babalawo before he runs away.

DORIS

Don’t worry Sly. Things will get better.

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SYLVESTER [ANGRY]

And how long do I have to sit down and listen to the same rubbish that

I have been hearing forever? Things will get better, things will get better. When will they get better?

SUNDAY

Bros Sylvester your body dey hot O!

SYLVESTER

Why e no go hot? After all the nonsense I have suffered here all I was asking for is just a little raise to take care of my rising costs. I have been here for a good three years, three years and yet this is what I get.

AKEEM

Guy take am easy O! Chairman can appear and fire you if he hears what you’re saying.

SYLVESTER

He doesn’t need to. I told him that I will be leaving this place in a week.

EVERYBODY {SURPRISED]

What?!

DORIS

Are you crazy Sylvester? What have come upon you?

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AKEEM

This babalawo’s jazz must be very strong.

PA NOJIMU

Do you know you’re committing hara-kiri with that cockamany introspection of yours?

SUNDAY

Pa Nojimu, Sylvester didn’t say he was going to buy a cock?

PA NOJIMU

Did you hear me say anything about a cock you nitwit?

SYLVESTER

I cannot continue to be doing the same thing and expect a different result. I have decided to get a new job in a multinational company.

TIMI

Bros, you go dey barb for them there?

AKEEM

Timi?

TIMI

Yes?

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AKEEM

Shut up.

DORIS

Sylvester, why don’t you just reconsider this move of yours?

SYLVESTER

I don’t need to. I have been arranging this job for a while now. I will be going for an interview in two days time.

Everybody is surprised.

SYLVESTER

In the next one week I will be working in a multinational company and

I will be away from this place. That reminds me I have a phone call to make.

Sylvester makes call, says hello and walks out talking on the phone.

AKEEM

That’s my guy, making moves.

Everybody looks at Akeem dejectedly.

SC 11. BAR – DAY.

Dare at the bar when Mabel comes in for work dejected.

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DARE

Mabel what happened? Why are you looking as if you woke up in a rubbish dump?

MABEL [SORROWFULLY]

Men!

DARE

Oh, the usual. I take it that your ‘date’ disappointed like all the others.

MABEL

Men!!

DARE

I know. He deserves an award for bringing you from bloom to doom in record time. Now that’s acting.

MABEL

Do you know this idiot embarrassed me yesterday?

DARE

His ATM card was empty and you had to join the kitchen staff temporarily to pay off the bill?

MABEL

Not that. I was with this guy in his car enjoying the evening when he showed me that he was not a man at all.

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DARE

Are you saying that he literally turned into a monkey?

MABEL

That would have been better. He had me get out of his car all because he saw his wife at a distance.

DARE

(Laughs) What were you expecting? “Oh sweetheart let me introduce you to my mistress, the delectable Mabel”

MABEL

At least he could have done better than show that he is tied around his wife’s apron strings?

DARE

Women are so funny. You want to meet a single guy who loves you, but you mock those who do the same to their partners. Maybe if you stop chasing other people’s husbands yours will show up. Just keep on having faith, things will turn out fine.

MABEL

Thanks Dare.

DARE

Maybe in the next lifetime.

Mabel is annoyed and walks away.

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SC 12. INT. BARBING SALON – DAY

Sylvester is in a suit prepared for the interview he is attending.

Everybody else is around to wish him the best.

AKEEM

Men you’re looking sharp.

SYLVESTER

Thank you.

TIMI

So today is the interview.

SYLVESTER

(Sighs) Yes. The interview that will change my life. I have been waiting so much for this day that I have had trouble sleeping these past days.

Sylvester goes to his barbing chair.

SYLVESTER

It’s as if I have lived a lifetime here. (He picks up a hair spray and uses it on his hair) This is one thing I will surely miss.

DORIS

So when you get the job when are you starting?

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SYLVESTER

By tommorrow. The interview is just a formality.

AKEEM

Guy I go miss you. (He hugs Sylvester).

SYLVESTER

Doris goes over to him.

Same here bro. Same here.

Sylvester goes to Timi and Sunday who he hugs.

DORIS

I will miss you too Sylvester. (She hugs him)

SUNDAY [SORROWFULLY]

Bros Sylvester I will miss O!

SYLVESTER

I will miss you guys too.

He goes to Pa Nojimu and elder Zaacheus and hugs them.

ELDER ZAACHEUS

Take care of yourself, my son.

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PA NOJIMU

Go and there and clobber the world with your superior alacrity and exceptional congeniality. Don’t forget to apprise us with your life voyage.

SYLVESTER

I will sir.

He steps to the door, looks back with nostalgia, wants to say something but decides not to say it. He bids everyone bye and goes out. After he’s gone Timi and Sunday look at Sylvester’s former chair, look at themselves and quickly rush to it each struggling for possession.

AKEEM

Will you two leave that chair at once! You can’t even let him be gone for a while before you start your struggle for his old job which none of you are even fit to handle.


Everybody is talking about Sylvester who has been gone for two days.

DORIS

Sylvester is a true man. I still can’t believe he’s gone.

AKEEM

Me too!

TIMI

Me three!

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SUNDAY

They don’t see the likes of bros Sylvester every day.

Everybody agrees.

ELDER ZAACHEUS

That young man was something else. Sometimes I wish he was my son.

PA NOJIMU

Same here my friend. If only we had more like him this country would be a better place.

TIMI

You know I had this dream that I saw bros Sylvester coming back for his job.

There is a knock at the door. Sylvester slouches in. Everybody is surprised.

TIMI

My God, it’s true. Omo this na talent I must tap into O!

DORIS

Sylvester what happened? I thought you’re supposed to be at your new job.

SYLVESTER

(Sits down) I have never been so embarrassed in my life.

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ELDER ZAACHEUS

What happened?

SYLVESTER

I got to the interview only to find out that the man who was arranging the job for me doesn’t even work at the company. I couldn’t bear the shame so that’s why I stayed away for two years.

DORIS

Ehyah!

AKEEM

Sorry!

Chairman Kolade comes in and he’s surprised to see Sylvester.

CHAIRMAN

Ah ah Sylvester. You came to visit us. How’s your new workplace?

SYLVESTER

Actually that’s what I came to see you about.

CHAIRMAN

Wait. I thought you’re starting work at the (mockingly) multinational company. What happened, they were not to your taste?

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SYLVESTER

I didn’t get the job sir.

CHAIRMAN

Oh what a pity. An increase in the unemployment numbers.

Chairman makes to goes out but Sylvester catches up with him and kneels down.

SYLVESTER

Please sir. I am sorry about the way I reacted after our talk on salary increase. You’ve done a lot for me and you didn’t deserve the behavior I exhibited before you.

CHAIRMAN

I’m touched. But unfortunately I have made plans for a replacement so

I am sorry.

Everyone is shocked. Doris comes to Sylvester’s side

DORIS

Please sir, can you have a rethink?

AKEEM

Yes sir. Sylvester has been great and we all missed him here.

ELDER ZAACHEUS

That’s true Kolade you don’t find people like Sylvester easily.

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PA NOJIMU

I concur. Please mellow down on your tough rhetoric. We can put that last incident in the past.

CHAIRMAN

After all that this boy said to me?

TIMI

Chairman, please bros Sylvester has been the bestest manager I have ever had. (He catches Akeem’s evil gaze) Along with bros Akeem.

AKEEM

Please sir, try and forgive and forget. He has learnt his lessons.

CHAIRMAN [CONFUSED]

Look I don’t know. It’s not going to be that simple.

EVERYBODY

Please now!!

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EPISODE 7

FUEL SCARCITY

SC 1. INT. BARBER SHOP – DAY

Everybody is having a chit chat over the fuel scarcity. Akeem has gone to buy fuel.

PA NOJIMU

Can you imagine an entity that is cascading with the bounteous wonders of nature is going trough fuel scarcity?

SYLVESTER

Pa Nojimu, you’re talking as if you don’t live in this country.

PA NOJIMU

Does that mean we have to accept things as they are? For God’s sake that is preposterous and absolute balderdash.

DORIS

Things are so terrible. All the roads I passed on the way here were almost empty and the transport costs were outrageous. It was by God’s grace that I got here.

ELDER ZAACHEUS

All those stupid people in Government just allocate money to the repairs of the refinery and yet nothing happens. It’s high time something must be done about this.

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TIMI

Maybe I should go into oil business. Those guys will be making serious money now. Do you know how much they are selling black market fuel now?

SYLVESTER

That is the problem with Nigerians. They want the good things of life without working for it.

SUNDAY

Why shouldn’t we when people we knew had nothing before they came into

Government start buying the latest SUVs’ and mansions abroad and those who had been working all their lives cannot boast of a tire to their name?

PA NOJIMU [AGITATED]

It’s high time that we the proletariat of this good enclave called

Nigeria take to the streets and say enough is enough of this hogwash.

I say a revolution is imminent and long overdue.

SUNDAY

Pa Nojimu you’re talking here now. Yet when they threw a knockout here last Christmas you’re the first to run from this place.

ELDER ZAACHEUS

By the way Akeem has been gone a long time now.


Akeem comes in with a keg of fuel and a chain lock. Sunday goes to help relieve him but Akeem refuses shouting on him in the process

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AKEEM

Don’t you even think of coming anywhere near this keg. I am in a mad mood now.

SYLVESTER

Akeem, what happened?

AKEEM

If you know how many punches I had to give had receive before I could lay my hands on this fuel? It’s terrible out there. Do you know those petrol stations were taxing us before we could even enter?

ELDER ZAACHEUS

Imagine!

AKEEM

That is why I bought this chain lock. If I see anybody near this fuel

I will kill him even if I have to spend the rest of my life in prison.

TIMI

Bros Akeem, take am easy now. E never reach that level.

AKEEM

If you know what I faced before getting this fuel you will know that it has reached that level. I was in a queue that stretched all the way into another street.

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ELDER ZAACHEUS

What a shame. We never had this kind of thing during our time. Fuel was so cheap then, even cheaper than a bottle of coke.

SYLVESTER

Very soon you will need Ghana must go bags of money to buy it.

DORIS

And we’re still deceiving ourselves with that giant of Africa tag.

SYLVESTER

Sounds more like ant of Africa to me.

SC 3. INT. BAR – DAY

Dare comes in fuming with Mabel already in.

DARE [FUMING]

This is nonsense, utter rubbish. He should be jailed for this.

MABLE

Who are they? It would be an honor to meet the person who set you off like this.

DARE

It’s the stupid okadaman who bought me here. After extorting me he had the nerve to drop me on the other street saying my money is not enough to bring me here. I don’t blame him. It’s this stupid fuel scarcity.

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MABEL

My brother I feel you. I had a hard time coming here myself. But thank

God I had somebody drop me along the way

DARE

Women. You always know how to have your way.

MABEL

Why complain when you men showed us the way? Right now I am only going for guys who work in the oil industry. I need someone who can assure me of regular supply of petrol.

DARE

For what? Apart from your decrepit face me I face you generator you have nothing worth buying fuel for.

MABEL

I am thinking of going into the fuel marketing business.

DARE

That will be something. (Poses and speaks like a woman ) Hello dear I get fuel O!

MABEL

I have always said that you’re so narrow minded. I want to go into the home supply business.

DARE (SMILES)

Now I see it. Home supply business with extra benefits.

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MABEL

One of these days... (She gets a call) Hello...Oh Paul how now... I’m fine and you...Wednesday evening? Sure I am free. I will see you then.

...Bye (Cuts call).

DARE

Another on your long lists of magas?

MABEL

Yes we met yesterday. You know he is into oil.

DARE

Wow, tell me something. So you’re serious about this new resolution of yours

MABEL

Yes. I will be seeing him on Wednesday at the Island.

DARE

Good. By the way (Picks a jerry can and gives her) carry this along with you on your date.

Mabel is speechless.


Everybody is talking in the shop about the fuel scarcity.

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PA NOJIMU

How can you say that it is not easy? All they have to do is put in round pegs in round holes. People with experience in their fields.

DORIS

E easy? Even if they put them there, there are people who will frustrate their work. In spite of all the so called consultants from the World Bank and the IMF that they’ve gotten, have anything improved?

AKEEM

Once anything clean comes into this country it becomes black instantly.

SYLVESTER

But why are we always blaming the government for everything. We too as a people are at fault here as we are the government.

TIMI

Bros if na prayer I claim am in Jesus name. I must enter Government.

SYLVESTER

All we care about are our own pockets. Once there is a small increase in the fuel price, all the prices shoot up.

AKEEM

Why wouldn’t they? Petrol affects virtually everything we do and we can’t do without it.

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ELDER ZAACHEUS

Maybe we should go back to the days of our fathers when we lived simple lives. When there were hardly any cars and petrol was hardly used and we all walked to our destinations

TIMI

Tufiakwa! I’m very glad I never lived in those times.

AKEEM

I can just imagine. They would have caught you in an animal trap before they know that you’re a human being.

TIMI

Ah see Sunday!

Everybody suddenly gives way as Sunday suddenly enters the shop on skates and crashes to the floor. Akeem and Sylvester help him up.

SYLVESTER

Come. Are you sure you’re alright? What is this new stunt that you’re doing?

SUNDAY

Sorry bros. I just decided to borrow my neighbor’s skate shoes so that

I can use it to transport myself here. You know transport price has risen and I was only finding a way to reduce what I spend on it.

Everybody laughs as Sunday falls to the ground because of the skates.

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AKEEM

Sharp guy. So you decided to get your own ride.

DORIS

Sunday! Sunday!!

SYLVESTER

You are a true imbe.

ELDER ZAACHEUS

For God’s sake, which one is imbe?.

PA NOJIMU

From my hypotheses it is a word used to describe the level of obtuseness that the medulla oblongata has attained due to various factors like

ELDER ZAACHEUS [EXASPERATED]

Nojimu, it’s enough! It’s enough O!! Don’t kill me with your grammer.

Everybody laughs


The gen is on while the barbers are working. Timi makes a mistake while barbing a client.

CUSTOMER

This is not what I wanted. I said it should be blended in.

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TIMI

But I thought you wanted it this way.

CUSTOMER

Did you hear me say that?

Akeem who had been listening in on the argument steps in angrily.

AKEEM

Please sir I am very sorry. (Hits Timi at back of head) Come, you dey craze? Something dey worry you. You know how much I buy this fuel.

TIMI

Sorry bros. I didn’t know.

AKEEM

You didn’t know. When I deduct this fuel money from your salary you will be more careful.

TIMI

Ah bros Akeem please now. Forgive me e no go happen again. I swear.

Sufi enters the barber shop.

SUFI

Eyin temi wetin dey?

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SUNDAY

There’s fire on the mountain.

SUFI

Wetin happen? Na who start am?

AKEEM

It’s this stupid boy who wants to waste the money I spent buying fuel yesterday.

SUFI [SMILES}

Ah, you guys no sharp at all.

AKEEM

What do you mean?

SUFI

You should have used this period to make some clean money. I now sell fuel and oh boy I just dey smile go bank.

SUNDAY

You Sufi? How come? When there is no fuel around.

SUFI

Who tell you that rubbish? Fuel dey like water if you know your way.

Na the reigning business in town be that now.

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AKEEM

So you don leave union work.

SUFI

Leave ke! That na how I get the connection. In case you know anybody wey wan buy fuel just hala me.

PA NOJIMU [ANGRILY]

Young man, you should be ashamed of yourself. It is adversaries like yourself that are traitors to the good of the denizens in this community. People like you should be locked up and arrested.

SUFI [LAUGHS]

Papa, those who are supposed to arrest me are even the ones committing the most so all that one you’re talking na story. (Moving to the door)

Anyway I have business to do so eyin boys, I go dey see una later.

Sufi goes out as Boys hail him.


A girl comes into the shop.

GLORIA

Good afternoon I want to buy braids. Who’s selling it?

TIMI

She’s not around but she left me in charge. Which one do you want?

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GLORIA

(Looks at braids) Emm maybe this one. Or this one will look better than me. I am really confused. Which one do you think will be good on me?

TIMI

You know what. No maybe which one I choose it won’t matter because the girl who is going to put it on is so b eautiful that anything will go with her.

GLORIA [DISBELIEVING]

Ah Ah bros.

TIMI

I am not lying now. The girls on this street are so ugly that when a beautiful girl comes the whole world knows. Do you stay around?

GLORIA

Actually I stay in Akinfesi street.

TIMI

But I never see you around the area. I am Timi and I manage this shop.

I will like to get to know you better. So what’s the name?

GLORIA

I am Gloria.

Sunday passes by with some materials.

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SUNDAY

Eh hen Timi don’t forget the baby food formula that you bought for your son.

Timi looks ashamed.

GLORIA

A son? You’re a father?

TIMI

It’s not what he meant...

Gloria goes out leaving Timi angry at Sunday. Timi goes to Sunday.

TIMI

Come wetin be that one that you just do now?

SUNDAY

Guy you no go understand. I dey try save you from yourself. You know see the bling blings and the BB that the babe carry? And no forget that you still get Junior to take care of so you suppose thank me.

Sunday goes leaving an angry Timi.

SC 7. INT. BAR - DAY

A plump loquacious customer Ade is at the bar talking with Dare.

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ADE

This fuel scarcity has being bringing out a lot of things. First and foremost people are walking more than usual contributing to their physical health. That will help prolong longevity and add more years to our lives

DARE

I take it that you don’t have a car.

ADE

Who needs a car that I will be spending petrol on when I can either walk or get a bicycle? In short I think this fuel scarcity has more benefits than disadvantages.

DARE

Just looking at you will reveal where all the benefits went to.

Mabel comes in gloomy.

DARE

Can you stop carrying around this gloomy face? You will scare all the customers away most especially in this time.

MABEL

I have never been more embarrassed in my life.

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DARE

Did you derep yourself by buying ewa agoyin before any of your

‘husband’?

MABEL

Do you know who I saw at the petrol station on the expressway?

DARE

No.

MABEL

That idiotic, stupid, nonsensical moron who calls himself Paul.

DARE

Your oil guy.

MABEL

Which rubbish oil guy? He works as a petrol station attendant. Bloody liar.

ADE

But He is not lying now. He is into oil business or (To Dare) isn’t he?

DARE

Of course! As long as he has something to do with petrol he is into the oil business.

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The two men laugh. Mabel is miffed.

DARE

The guys have a good laugh while Mabel stomps away.

Mabel! Mabel!! You wanted a guy in the oil industry and you got one, didn’t you my dear? So why are you complaining.

DARE

Women! They never know what they want.

ADE

True talk my brother. (Gets up from stool)Got to be on my way.

Ade gives Dare his money. Dare is however not satisfied with the amount.

DARE[ANGRY]

Mr Man, what is this?

ADE

I only took half bottle so I decided to pay only half and leave a tip on top. Generous of me isn’t it?

Dare is flabbergasted.


A girl comes into the shop. Only Sunday and Timi are present.

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CYNTHIA

Good afternoon

SUNDAY

[Stands up]Good afternoon. You want to barb?

CYNTHIA

(Laughs)No! I came to check if my cousin was still here. He told me that he was coming to barb here an hour ago.

SUNDAY

Was he the one wearing the red shirt?

CYNTHIA

Yes.

SUNDAY

He left some minutes ago. Why not call him?

Cynthia tries calling him on her BB but his phone is switched off.

SUNDAY

You have your own sense of style

CYNTHIA

Yes.

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SUNDAY

I like that in a person. My name is Sunday.

CYNTHIA

I am Cynthia.

SUNDAY

You’re in school?

CYNTHIA

I am still looking for admission.

SUNDAY

You know you look nice and I was wondering if we can get to be roll together.

Timi gets up and gets a cream from the cupboard and gives it to

Sunday.

TIMI

Cynthia looks at an embarrassed Sunday with horror.

That’s the anti itching cream you wanted me to get you. Better use it quickly before that thing start worrying you again.

SUNDAY

Look Cynthia it’s not what you think. I

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Cynthia goes out. Timi starts to laugh at an angry Sunday.

SUNDAY

Oh boy what was that?

TIMI

Guy you no go understand. I day try save you from yourself. You no see how the babe clean up compared to you? Anyway one one.

Timi goes off laughing.


It’s a full house when Ade the loquacious customer, who has been sitting gets his chance for a barb with Akeem.

AKEEM

What type of hair cut would you want?

ADE

(Looks at price list)You do shaving too?

AKEEM

Yes. But I thought you wanted a haircut.

ADE

Yes now. Instead of barbing my head you can shave it. Why would I not shave when it’s just two hundred naira when barbing is four hundred?

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Abeg shave the head joo. With this fuel scarcity one must be careful on how he spends money.

AKEEM

Oga, I can’t shave your head for two hundred naira. I have to fuel the gen and...

ADE

(Brings out shaving stick) Do you need power to use a shaving stick?

Akeem looks at Sylvester who looks at the others who are equally shocked.


Akeem is finishing the shaving of Ade’s head with a shaving stick who winces in pain. We see plasters applied to his head.

ADE

Ha! Take it easy now.

AKEEM

Sorry sir.

ADE

At least with haircut before I come back it will take a while.

Akeem finishes the shaving and Ade gets up feeling his clean shaven head.

ADE

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Ah nothing like the natural air to blow over you. Best remedy for headaches.

Ade pays the money and goes out. Once he is out, everybody starts laughing.

TIMI

I..je..bu!

DORIS

Kai! What a stingy man, even to himself.

SYLVESTER

This one na another level all together.

SUNDAY

The woman wey go marry this one go try. Na so e go dey hold ruler dey measure all the foodstuff.

PA NOJIMU

I am so flabbergasted by his avaricious nature.

AKEEM

That is poverty mentality at its best. How much is two hundred naira?

SUNDAY

I am very sure that he will be walking home right now.

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DORIS

What we will not see in Yankee barbers.

SC 11. BARBER SHOP – DAY

Doris comes all excited into the barber shop with a package which she struggles to open.

AKEEM

Ah babe, wetin dey now? Make we hear now.

DORIS

You’re talking. None of you guys even remembered that today is my birthday. A man like you gave me this present

Doris opens present only to see a teddy bear.

DORIS [DISAPPOINTED]

Oh rubbish. (Throws the teddy bear aside)

SYLVESTER

Oh common give the guy some credit. (Picks up teddy bear) This looks like a quality product.

DORIS

What will I do with this at this period in time?

AKEEM

Just pretend that he is the dream man that you’ve always wanted.

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ELDER ZAACHEUS

Was there anything you would have wanted him to buy.

DORIS

Yes. I wouldn’t have minded a nicely wrapped keg of petrol.

EVERYBODY

Doris!


The strike has been called off and everybody is relieved.

PA NOJIMU

Thank Goodness the fuel scarcity is over. I was almost fearing for the most?

ELDER ZAACHEUS

Your revolution?

PA NOJIMU

No, It’s my rambunctious grand children who came to stay and made the kitchen their second home during the strike period.

SYLVESTER

Thank God it’s finally over.

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TIMI

Yes O! This waka to work wan almost kill me.

DORIS

Life is back to normal.

AKEEM

I don’t think everybody will agree with you on that.

Sufi enters dejected.

SYLVESTER

Sufi? Wetin happen?

SUFI

Omo this fuel scarcity wey don end just finish me. Just when I don dey plan to go into another level in this fuel business.

AKEEM

Wetin happen to all the money you make that time.

SUFI

Ah! Fine boy like me go represent now. Money don waka now.

SYLVESTER

You should have saved part of that money when you had the chance.

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ELDER ZAACHEUS

Easy come easy go. That’s what happens with easy money.

SUFI

(To Akeem) Abeg you get two k you fit lend me Akeem?

Akeem looks at Sufi.

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EPISODE 8

NEW GYM MANAGER


Pa Nojimu is complaining bitterly about a close shave he had that morning.

PA NOJIMU

Can you imagine? The riff raff almost demobilized me with his rusty mechanical contraption and he couldn’t even pause to observe if there was damage to my anatomical structure and scuttled away as if he was a dart.

AKEEM

(To himself) Who would stay behind to be run over by your big grammar?

DORIS

Sorry Pa Nojimu.

ELDER ZAACHEUS

Young people of nowadays have no manners. All they think about is their hedonistic lifestyle. Just imagine if he had killed you...

PA NOJIMU

God forbid!

Timi enters excited.

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TIMI

Bros Akeem, bros Sylvester something is about to happen.

SYLVESTER

Timi, how many times I have told you to stay away from igbo?

TIMI

Bros this one pass igbo matter. I saw them unloading the equipments for the gym next door.

AKEEM

So you just stood there watching free cinema as if you had nothing to do in the shop?

TIMI

Bros, you no go blame me. If you saw the new manager of the gym, you too go trip.

DORIS

Timi, you don become gay?

TIMI

No. The manager is one pretty girl like that. She is sooo beautiful, you know that type of babe you will go out with and all the guys go dey beef you because of her. I even heard that she is a university beauty queen and was a contestant in most beautiful girl in Nigeria pageant

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AKEEM

(Excited) Did you say a former beauty queen?

DORIS

Akeem! Can’t you ever control yourself when it comes to women?

AKEEM

When did it become a crime to worship God by extolling his creative genius?

TIMI

The gym will be opening any time from now.

SYLVESTER

Don’t tell me that you want to go there now?

ELDER ZAACHEUS

Well, if you guys are not interested in improving your health I am.

Maybe I should go and register there.

AKEEM [JOCKINGLY]

Pa Nojimu, tell the truth now. You just wan go check out the babe.

ELDER ZAACHEUS

And if she can improve my well being what is wrong with that? You know in life there are some things that your eyes will see that are therapeutic.

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EVERYBODY

Pa Nojimu!

SYLVESTER

(Looking around)By the way where’s Sunday? Isn’t he supposed to be back by now?

SC. 2 INT. GYM – CONTINUOUS

Sunday (holding a plastic bag) is walking around in the gym where finishing touches are being applied. He sees a beautiful lady talking with one of the moving men. The lady who happens to be the gym manager sees Sunday and thinking he is a potential client goes to him.

Sunday’s heart starts beating faster as he can’t believe what he is seeing.

VIOLET

Good afternoon sir. You’re welcome to Arrow fitness center.

SUNDAY [TRANSFIXED]

Em...thanks.

VIOLET

We’re just applying finishing touches to the gym. We intend to open in the next one hour and we will be giving free services for the next seven days. Which of our services would you be interested in?

SUNDAY [CONFUSED]

Em... well...

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VIOLET

You know apart from exercising to keep fit our fitness training regime include taking care of any physical ailments and injuries

SUNDAY [EXCITED]

Ah that’s good.

VIOLET

You seem very excited at that. Is there anywhere in your body giving you problems?

SUNDAY

(Touches his back)You see my back has been paining me for some days.

It’s been very difficult for me to work effectively.

VIOLET

I see. What type of job are you engaged in?

Violet touches his back and rubs it trying to know where the pain is.

Sunday is enjoying the attention but suddenly remembers he is suppose to be in pain so he yelps as if in pain.

SUNDAY [HESISTANTLY]

Well, I move about a lot.

VIOLET

Sorry. Is it that bad?

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Sunday nods in agreement.

VIOLET

I know what to do. Follow me.


Everybody is still working in the salon waiting for Sunday.

AKEEM [EXASPERATED]

Where did this Sunday go for God sake? Isn’t it to just buy hair dye down the road? I will deal with him when I get back.

TIMI

Maybe he branched to the gym.

PA NOJIMU

Hmm. This love medicine na wa O!

TIMI

I am sure he went to check out that new manager. Let me go and find him.

SYLVESTER

Just stay where you are. You think you’re smart eh? You want to go and gawk at that manager again? You never see woman before?

AKEEM

I am tired of this waiting. Let me go and look for this guy. I need that dye.

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Akeem moves but Sylvester.

SYLVESTER

Guy take it easy. He will soon be back. By the way where do you want to search him?

AKEEM

I will start with the gym.

SYLVESTER

Akeem!

DORIS

Akeem! So you want to use this chance to see a girl?

AKEEM

What do you mean by that? I am just trying to do my work here.

DORIS

So in effect you’ve joined neighborhood search?

PA NOJIMU

Doris, I hope I do not precieve a whiff of the green eyed monster in your utterances.

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DORIS [ANNOYED]

Me jealous?! With all due respect Pa Nojimu, I take offence at that statement. (Stands up) I can match any so called beauty queen out there. (Poses)Is it my delicious lips or my lucious body or my legs that are to die for?

AKEEM

And with all these na novel you still dey romance. (Men laugh. Akeem adjusts himself in the mirror)

SYLVESTER

All these just to look for someone?

AKEEM

See this guy. Don’t you know that I am a well known face for Yankee barbers and as a result I have to represent weella?

SC 4. INT. GYM – DAY

Akeem enters the gym and looks around. His eyes pop out at a sight. We see Violet Massaging Sunday on a bed.

VIOLET

Is it getting better?

SUNDAY [LAZILY]

Yeeeeeesss!(Points to leg) Can you rub here too? It gives me problems too. (Violet massages him there) Ah this is heaven!

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Akeem still looking when Dare bumps into him. There is no love lost between the two.

AKEEM

Oh his royal highness. Aren’t you supposed to be doing your

‘housekeeping’ chores?

DARE

And aren’t you riff raff supposed to be in your dingy place clearing people’s bodily rubbish?

AKEEM

Hey I take exception to anyone rubbishing the noble art of barbing. Do you know how long it takes to learn how to turn hair into a piece of art? Compare that to taking care of drunks every evening.

DARE

You call cutting off overgrown hair art? Please, every Tom dick and

Harry calls himself a barber unlike the art of entertaining which can be healthy after a stressful day at work. You should know that my work is very valuable.

AKEEM

Valuable my foot! Let’s thank God that you don’t have to meet too often with the customers because a day with you will give one stress for a week.

VIOLET (O.S.)

Gentlemen please! There is no need for this.

The men look at Violet and are transfixed by her beauty.

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VIOLET

I take it that you both are here to see our facilities here at arrows.

AKEEM

I take it that you run things here?

VIOLET

Yes I do. I am Violet. (Stretches hand for shake)

AKEEM

(Takes handshake)Just call me Akeem. I am the...

Dare cuts Akeem off by cutting off his lingering handsake with Violet and takes her hand.

DARE

I am Dare, the indefatigable manager of the popular bar a stone throw away.

AKEEM

He is the hawker of those liquid death agents that make people sleep comfortably in gutters and urinate into their fridges.

Dare glares at Akeem.

VIOLET

It’s nice meeting you guys. Why don’t you guys come over tomorrow when we will be in full blast? We have tremendous facilities. You can ask our first customer over there about our sevices.

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Violet points at Sunday who lets out a sigh of satisfaction on the massage bed.


Akeem is telling the others about Violet. All except Doris(who is disgusted) hang on his every word.

AKEEM

This babe is just too much. From head to toe she set. Onshore she get am. Offshore she dey represent. On a scale of one to ten I will give her twelve.

SYLVESTER

Akeem, the way you’re talking about this babe you sure say she never do anything to you?

AKEEM

So you think I just dey yarn for the sake of yarning. When you see this babe you too go know say babe pass babe.

DORIS [SARCASTICALLY]

This Violet babe dey really shack you O!

TIMI

Sister Doris, wetin happen now?

SUNDAY

They won take her crown as Yankee barbers’ first lady. But God dey try

O. Ha! He finish work on her.

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ELDER ZAACHEUS

Ha, you just reminded me of this Ngozi girl I met when I was in the railway service. She was what you call a paragon of beauty, a picturesque damsel who will make you melt just by her looking at you.

Everyone was afraid of approaching her so one day I decided to be the man, step up and conquer her.

EVERYBODY [HAILING]

Hey!!! Elder Zaacheus.

SUNDAY

So how did it go? Did she agree?

ELDER ZAACHEUS

I got to her and couldn’t say anything.

Everybody laughs. There is a knock on the door.

VIOLET

Hello guys.

All the men are transfixed at the sight of this beautiful lady.

VIOLET

I hope I am not interrupting...

SYLVESTER

No! no!! come right in.

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VIOLET

Thanks. My name is Violet and I am going around telling the neighbors about the arrows gym and fitness center which I manage. We just opened today and that’s why I decided to branch here to inform you guys.

TIMI

God bless you ma.

VIOLET

We have a lot to offer this community so we will be opening our doors to the public for the next few days so that you can all come and test our facilities. We have everything you want in a gym and fitness center

PA NOJIMU

One question my daughter.

VIOLET

Yes sir.

PA NOJIMU

Are you available?

Everybody stares incredulously at Pa Nojimu.

PA NOJIMU

What are you all gawking at? I was just making an inquiry from this homely, delectable, angelic...

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EVERYBODY [SHOUTS]

Pa Nojimu!

VIOLET [LAUGHS]

Of course. I will be around during the opening hours from nine a.m. to six p.m. You can see me by then.

Doris turns away disgusted by what she is seeing.

DORIS

SC 6. INT. GYM – DAY

Its early in the morning. Violet walks into the gym and is shocked by what she sees. We see all the barbers and the elders eagerly waiting for the start of the exercise sessions.

Hmmph! Men!

EVERYBODY

Good morning!

VOILET [IMPRESSED]

Wow, I see we have a full house here.

TIMI

Yes. We even helped the staff to open the doors.

Sylvester hits Timi from behind.

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TIMI

What now?!

VIOLET

We will soon start. Let me settle down first.

Dare runs in then notices the barbers and slows down to a trot. The barbers laugh.

TIMI

Guy, na who you dey form for?

DARE [ARROGANTLY]

I don’t have time for your type. I am here to tone my physique which is more that can be said for the rest of you.

AKEEM

Which physique? Do you even have a body, agama lizard like you?

VIOLET

Okay boys stop that! Let’s be civil okay. We will start with the floor exercises to loosen up.

SC. 7 INT. GYM – MOMENTS LATER

Violet is leading the floor exercises with the Yankee barbers crew being among a number of people moving to the rhythm of the music.

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VIOLET

Up and down. Up and down. Now your sides left, left...

We see Pa Nojimu and elder Zaacheus struggling to keep up. Sylvester notices.

SYLVESTER

Why don’t you elders sit down and rest?

PA NOJIMU

Are you insinuating that we are over the hill? Look young man, this is nothing compared to what I use to do when I was younger, isn’t it

Zaacheus?

We see elder Zaacheus panting for breath obviously exhausted. Violet goes to him.

VIOLET

(Holding Elder Zaacheus)Sir, are you all right?

ELDER ZAACHEUS

Oh it’s nothing. It’s just been a while that I have really applied myself like this.

Violet rubs Elder Zaacheus’s joints which he obviously enjoys. Pa

Nojimu watches with envy.

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VIOLET

Just take it easy okay. You will get more used to the exercises if you do them more often.

ELDER ZAACHEUS

Aaaah, thank you.

There is a shout from Pa Nojimu who crumples down in pain. Violet and the others look at him. Pa Nojimu looks at Violet as if begging her to come while his noise dies down. Violet understands Pa Nojimu’s game.

EVERYBODY

Pa Nojimu!

Everybody laughs.


Three men are arguing with Doris.

MAN 1

How long do we have to wait? This is the third time that we’re checking here and they are not back yet.

MAN 2

This is not fair at all. Do you know how much time we have wasted going and coming? Do you think we have nothing doing?

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DORIS

Please I am very sorry. They are around the area so they should have come back. Let me try and call them

Doris picks up her phone and calls praying that they answer it but no answer.

MAN 3

Guy shey make we check that new gym wey just open?

MAN 1

You, wetin you wan remove from this your panla body?

MAN 2

I hear that the babe who dey manage the place na beauty queen.

MAN 1[EXCITED]

Then wetin we dey wait for? Make we waka!

Guys walk out. Doris is disgusted upon hearing about Violet and shakes her head. Mabel comes in.

MABEL

Doris, have you seen Dare? He’s been gone a long time and he’s not answering his phone.

DORIS

I think I know where he is.

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Everybody is on one exercise apparatus or the other. Timi and Sunday are with some dumbbells. Timi looks at a large weight apparatus.

TIMI

(Drops dumbbells and goes towards weight) Guy make I go chop better weight. Come and help me.

SUNDAY

(Following him)Heh Timi, you dey do more than yourself O!

TIMI

So it is this thing that you’re fearing? In my home town we dey lift bigger weights than this.

Timi looks to a side and sees two girls on the treadmill. He smiles at them and goes to sit on the weight bench while showing off.

TIMI [SHOWING OFF]

Sunday, give me the weight.

SUNDAY

Timi...

TIMI [LOUDER]


Sunday lifts the weight off its rest and gives it to Timi who holds it.

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TIMI

(With difficulty)You see ... I told you... it is...easy

Timi starts feeling pain and can’t ignore it.

TIMI [SHOUTING]

Yeee! Aaah!! Sunday help me remove am O! Yeee!

While Sunday struggles to lift the weight off him, a girl comes and removes the weight with one hand. Timi feels humiliated.


Mabel and Doris come into the gym.

MABEL

So this is the latest thing in town now.

DORIS

No. (Points at Violet) She is.

Violet comes over to the girls.

VOILET

Good day ladies. You’re welcome to Arrows gym.

MABEL

So na you dey cause all this commotion?

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VIOLET

Commotion?! (She laughs) Come on, everybody wants to see what we’re offering here at arrows.

Dare walks slowly clutching his back.

VIOLET

Oh hello?

On seeing her Dare straightens himself up.

DARE [SMILES]

Oh hello.

VIOLET

Did you enjoy the session?

DARE

More than. In fact I will be back tomorrow. No, make that this evening. Mabel you’re here.

MABEL

So you now work here?

DARE

Oh don’t be sarcastic. We all need to keep fit.

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VIOLET

That’s true. You girls will surely benefit from exercising here. You could remove some of the flab on your bodies with our exercise apparatus

Doris and Mabel are horrified.

DORIS

Are you saying that I am fat?

VIOLET

I am just saying that you could look more beautiful by working out.

DARE

That’s true.

Dare struggles to walk out straight covering up the pain that he feels.

MABEL

Now you look here miss, I will...

Their attention is caught by a crash off shot. We see Dare has crashed into some exercise equipments. Mabel and Doris looks at Violet.

SC 11 INT. BARBING SALON – EVENING/NIGHT

Doris is reading a novel when a handsome guy enters. Doris looks up and is entranced by the stranger.

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GUY

Hello

DORIS [ENTHUSIASTICALLY]

Hello, you’re welcome to Yankee barbers. What would you want?

GUY

I thought this was a barbing salon.

DORIS

Yes of course. It still is.

GUY

But where are the barbers?

DORIS

We are here.

GUY [INCREDUOSLY]

You?

DORIS

Yes, or are you saying that you’ve never heard of female barbers?

GUY

No, but...

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DORIS

Then sit down.

She pushes him to the chair, puts a white cloth on him and takes out the clippers. She is about to start cutting when the guy stops her.

GUY

Hey, aren’t you going to ask what cut I want?

DORIS

Oh that. I like that. A man who knows what he wants.

GUY

I want three layered punk.

That’s a good style. (Beat) What’s that?

Guy looks up at Doris.

DORIS

SC. 12 INT. GYM – NIGHT.

It’s almost closing time at the gym. The guys surround Violet asking all sorts of questions.

AKEEM

So I should try not to bend too much while I am barbing.

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VIOLET

Yes. That way you reduce the risk of damaging the spinal cord. We don’t want to have a fine boy like you stooping all over the place.

SYLVESTER

Now that would be a sight.

They all laugh.

ELDER ZAACHEUS

I hope you will come tomorrow and help me with my joints. The rubbing you gave me really helped. Thank you.

Pa Nojimu grumbles to himself.

VIOLET

You’re welcome sir.

TIMI

I really enjoyed your helping us to exercise.

VIOLET

Thanks for the compliment.

TIMI

Do you do home service?

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Everybody laughs.

VIOLET [LAUGHS]

Let’s take things one at a time, okay? It’s being nice having you guy’s honor my invitation. Thank you.

SYLVESTER

Ah no. We should thank you for making our day. It’s not every day that a beautiful lady like you helps us to work out.

VIOLET

Oh thank you Sylvester.

AKEEM [SURPRISED]

(To Sylvester)Ah ah Sly, you don dey wake up?


The men are entering the salon excitedly when we hear the guy shouting at Doris. The guy’s hair is a mess.

GUY

How could you lie that you’re a barber? Do you know what you’ve done?

DORIS

Please I am sorry. I didn’t mean to annoy you.

PA NOJIMU

What an unmitigated catastrophe! This is worse than a tsunami.

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Sylvester and Akeem come over.

AKEEM

Hey my guy, take it easy. What’s going on?

GUY

It’s your barber here. Look at what she did to my hair.

SUNDAY

This one barber? She doesn’t even know how to operate a clipper.

TIMI

God, save us from desperate women.

SYLVESTER

We’re sorry about everything. We had to attend to (looks at

Akeem)...some pressing matters. (Akeem nods in agreement smiling)

GUY

This is pure rubbish. A friend recommended that I come here but see what you people have done to me.

SYLVESTER

I am sorry sir. Just sit down here. I will take care of it.

Akeem looks at Doris who is feeling ashamed.

SC. 14 INT. GYM - DAY

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The men are coming in chatting excitedly for another day of work outs when they see a sight that stops them in their tracks. We see a muscular guy who is inspecting one of the apparatus. He looks up and notices them.

PHILLIPS

Oh good morning gentlemen, I am Phillips.

Phillips sticks out his hand for a handshake but the men just stare at him not believing what they are seeing.

PHILLIPS

I am the new manager of Arrows gym and...


What have you done to our Violet?

PHILLIPS [CONFUSED]

Excuse me.

AKEEM

My friend don’t pretend that you don’t know what we’re talking about.

Where is the girl who manages this gym? She was here yesterday.

PA NOJIMU

My friend if you want to avail yourself of being in our favorable disposition, you better unfetter that girl wherever you have her domiciled.

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EVERYBODY

Yes!

PHILLIPS [LAUGHS]

What are you guys insinuating? Violet was redeployed by the boss this morning.

SYLVESTER

That’s a lie from the pit of hell.

All the men begin to shout on Phillips. Chairman’s voice quiets them down.

CHAIRMAN

(Coming in) Will someone tell me what’s going on here?

ELDER ZAACHEUS

Kolade, something must be done about the security here. Can you imagine that the manager of the gym here, Violet is missing? I suspect that this boy here has something to do with her disappearance.

EVERYBODY

Yes!!

CHAIRMAN

Everybody calm down. Violet has not disappeared. She is safe.

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Everybody is happy and shout out their relief.

CHAIRMAN

But she no longer works here.

EVERYBODY

What?!

SUNDAY

But she has being very good at her job.

PA NOJIMU

A real pleasure to have around.

AKEEM

A true professional.

EVERYBODY

Yes!

CHAIRMAN

Unfortunately that is the problem. You people have become so besotted by Violet in one day that I wondered if anything would have been done if she was here for longer. So I had to do something about it. I am a business so I am here to make money not babies.

The men all look sadly at themselves.

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EPISODE 13

NEW GYM MANAGER


Pa Nojimu is complaining bitterly about a close shave he had that morning.

PA NOJIMU

Can you imagine? The riff raff almost demobilized me with his rusty mechanical contraption and he couldn’t even pause to observe if there was damage to my anatomical structure and scuttled away as if he was a dart.

AKEEM

(To himself) Who would stay behind to be run over by your big grammar?

DORIS

Sorry Pa Nojimu.

ELDER ZAACHEUS

Young people of nowadays have no manners. All they think about is their hedonistic lifestyle. Just imagine if he had killed you...

PA NOJIMU

God forbid!

Timi enters excited.

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TIMI

Bros Akeem, bros Sylvester something is about to happen.

SYLVESTER

Timi, how many times I have told you to stay away from igbo?

TIMI

Bros this one pass igbo matter. I saw them unloading the equipments for the gym next door.

AKEEM

So you just stood there watching free cinema as if you had nothing to do in the shop?

TIMI

Bros, you no go blame me. If you saw the new manager of the gym, you too go trip.

DORIS

Timi, you don become gay?

TIMI

No. The manager is one pretty girl like that. She is sooo beautiful, you know that type of babe you will go out with and all the guys go dey beef you because of her. I even heard that she is a university beauty queen and was a contestant in most beautiful girl in Nigeria pageant

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AKEEM

(Excited) Did you say a former beauty queen?

DORIS

Akeem! Can’t you ever control yourself when it comes to women?

AKEEM

When did it become a crime to worship God by extolling his creative genius?

TIMI

The gym will be opening any time from now.

SYLVESTER

Don’t tell me that you want to go there now?

ELDER ZAACHEUS

Well, if you guys are not interested in improving your health I am.

Maybe I should go and register there.

AKEEM [JOCKINGLY]

Pa Nojimu, tell the truth now. You just wan go check out the babe.

ELDER ZAACHEUS

And if she can improve my well being what is wrong with that? You know in life there are some things that your eyes will see that are therapeutic.

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EVERYBODY

Pa Nojimu!

SYLVESTER

(Looking around)By the way where’s Sunday? Isn’t he supposed to be back by now?

SC. 2 INT. GYM – CONTINUOUS

Sunday (holding a plastic bag) is walking around in the gym where finishing touches are being applied. He sees a beautiful lady talking with one of the moving men. The lady who happens to be the gym manager sees Sunday and thinking he is a potential client goes to him.

Sunday’s heart starts beating faster as he can’t believe what he is seeing.

VIOLET

Good afternoon sir. You’re welcome to Arrow fitness center.

SUNDAY [TRANSFIXED]

Em...thanks.

VIOLET

We’re just applying finishing touches to the gym. We intend to open in the next one hour and we will be giving free services for the next seven days. Which of our services would you be interested in?

SUNDAY [CONFUSED]

Em... well...

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VIOLET

You know apart from exercising to keep fit our fitness training regime include taking care of any physical ailments and injuries

SUNDAY [EXCITED]

Ah that’s good.

VIOLET

You seem very excited at that. Is there anywhere in your body giving you problems?

SUNDAY

(Touches his back)You see my back has been paining me for some days.

It’s been very difficult for me to work effectively.

VIOLET

I see. What type of job are you engaged in?

Violet touches his back and rubs it trying to know where the pain is.

Sunday is enjoying the attention but suddenly remembers he is suppose to be in pain so he yelps as if in pain.

SUNDAY [HESISTANTLY]

Well, I move about a lot.

VIOLET

Sorry. Is it that bad?

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Sunday nods in agreement.

VIOLET

I know what to do. Follow me.


Everybody is still working in the salon waiting for Sunday.

AKEEM [EXASPERATED]

Where did this Sunday go for God sake? Isn’t it to just buy hair dye down the road? I will deal with him when I get back.

TIMI

Maybe he branched to the gym.

PA NOJIMU

Hmm. This love medicine na wa O!

TIMI

I am sure he went to check out that new manager. Let me go and find him.

SYLVESTER

Just stay where you are. You think you’re smart eh? You want to go and gawk at that manager again? You never see woman before?

AKEEM

I am tired of this waiting. Let me go and look for this guy. I need that dye.

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Akeem moves but Sylvester.

SYLVESTER

Guy take it easy. He will soon be back. By the way where do you want to search him?

AKEEM

I will start with the gym.

SYLVESTER

Akeem!

DORIS

Akeem! So you want to use this chance to see a girl?

AKEEM

What do you mean by that? I am just trying to do my work here.

DORIS

So in effect you’ve joined neighborhood search?

PA NOJIMU

Doris, I hope I do not precieve a whiff of the green eyed monster in your utterances.

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DORIS [ANNOYED]

Me jealous?! With all due respect Pa Nojimu, I take offence at that statement. (Stands up) I can match any so called beauty queen out there. (Poses)Is it my delicious lips or my lucious body or my legs that are to die for?

AKEEM

And with all these na novel you still dey romance. (Men laugh. Akeem adjusts himself in the mirror)

SYLVESTER

All these just to look for someone?

AKEEM

See this guy. Don’t you know that I am a well known face for Yankee barbers and as a result I have to represent weella?


Akeem enters the gym and looks around. His eyes pop out at a sight. We see Violet Massaging Sunday on a bed.

VIOLET

Is it getting better?

SUNDAY [LAZILY]

Yeeeeeesss!(Points to leg) Can you rub here too? It gives me problems too. (Violet massages him there) Ah this is heaven!

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Akeem still looking when Dare bumps into him. There is no love lost between the two.

AKEEM

Oh his royal highness. Aren’t you supposed to be doing your

‘housekeeping’ chores?

DARE

And aren’t you riff raff supposed to be in your dingy place clearing people’s bodily rubbish?

AKEEM

Hey I take exception to anyone rubbishing the noble art of barbing. Do you know how long it takes to learn how to turn hair into a piece of art? Compare that to taking care of drunks every evening.

DARE

You call cutting off overgrown hair art? Please, every Tom dick and

Harry calls himself a barber unlike the art of entertaining which can be healthy after a stressful day at work. You should know that my work is very valuable.

AKEEM

Valuable my foot! Let’s thank God that you don’t have to meet too often with the customers because a day with you will give one stress for a week.

VIOLET (O.S.)

Gentlemen please! There is no need for this.

The men look at Violet and are transfixed by her beauty.

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VIOLET

I take it that you both are here to see our facilities here at arrows.

AKEEM

I take it that you run things here?

VIOLET

Yes I do. I am Violet. (Stretches hand for shake)

AKEEM

(Takes handshake)Just call me Akeem. I am the...

Dare cuts Akeem off by cutting off his lingering handsake with Violet and takes her hand.

DARE

I am Dare, the indefatigable manager of the popular bar a stone throw away.

AKEEM

He is the hawker of those liquid death agents that make people sleep comfortably in gutters and urinate into their fridges.

Dare glares at Akeem.

VIOLET

It’s nice meeting you guys. Why don’t you guys come over tomorrow when we will be in full blast? We have tremendous facilities. You can ask our first customer over there about our sevices.

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Violet points at Sunday who lets out a sigh of satisfaction on the massage bed.


Akeem is telling the others about Violet. All except Doris(who is disgusted) hang on his every word.

AKEEM

This babe is just too much. From head to toe she set. Onshore she get am. Offshore she dey represent. On a scale of one to ten I will give her twelve.

SYLVESTER

Akeem, the way you’re talking about this babe you sure say she never do anything to you?

AKEEM

So you think I just dey yarn for the sake of yarning. When you see this babe you too go know say babe pass babe.

DORIS [SARCASTICALLY]

This Violet babe dey really shack you O!

TIMI

Sister Doris, wetin happen now?

SUNDAY

They won take her crown as Yankee barbers’ first lady. But God dey try

O. Ha! He finish work on her.

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ELDER ZAACHEUS

Ha, you just reminded me of this Ngozi girl I met when I was in the railway service. She was what you call a paragon of beauty, a picturesque damsel who will make you melt just by her looking at you.

Everyone was afraid of approaching her so one day I decided to be the man, step up and conquer her.

EVERYBODY [HAILING]

Hey!!! Elder Zaacheus.

SUNDAY

So how did it go? Did she agree?

ELDER ZAACHEUS

I got to her and couldn’t say anything.

Everybody laughs. There is a knock on the door.

VIOLET

Hello guys.

All the men are transfixed at the sight of this beautiful lady.

VIOLET

I hope I am not interrupting...

SYLVESTER

No! no!! come right in.

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VIOLET

Thanks. My name is Violet and I am going around telling the neighbors about the arrows gym and fitness center which I manage. We just opened today and that’s why I decided to branch here to inform you guys.

TIMI

God bless you ma.

VIOLET

We have a lot to offer this community so we will be opening our doors to the public for the next few days so that you can all come and test our facilities. We have everything you want in a gym and fitness center

PA NOJIMU

One question my daughter.

VIOLET

Yes sir.

PA NOJIMU

Are you available?

Everybody stares incredulously at Pa Nojimu.

PA NOJIMU

What are you all gawking at? I was just making an inquiry from this homely, delectable, angelic...

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EVERYBODY [SHOUTS]

Pa Nojimu!

VIOLET [LAUGHS]

Of course. I will be around during the opening hours from nine a.m. to six p.m. You can see me by then.

Doris turns away disgusted by what she is seeing.

DORIS

SC 6. INT. GYM – DAY

Its early in the morning. Violet walks into the gym and is shocked by what she sees. We see all the barbers and the elders eagerly waiting for the start of the exercise sessions.

Hmmph! Men!

EVERYBODY

Good morning!

VOILET [IMPRESSED]

Wow, I see we have a full house here.

TIMI

Yes. We even helped the staff to open the doors.

Sylvester hits Timi from behind.

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TIMI

What now?!

VIOLET

We will soon start. Let me settle down first.

Dare runs in then notices the barbers and slows down to a trot. The barbers laugh.

TIMI

Guy, na who you dey form for?

DARE [ARROGANTLY]

I don’t have time for your type. I am here to tone my physique which is more that can be said for the rest of you.

AKEEM

Which physique? Do you even have a body, agama lizard like you?

VIOLET

Okay boys stop that! Let’s be civil okay. We will start with the floor exercises to loosen up.

SC. 7 INT. GYM – MOMENTS LATER

Violet is leading the floor exercises with the Yankee barbers crew being among a number of people moving to the rhythm of the music.

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VIOLET

Up and down. Up and down. Now your sides left, left...

We see Pa Nojimu and elder Zaacheus struggling to keep up. Sylvester notices.

SYLVESTER

Why don’t you elders sit down and rest?

PA NOJIMU

Are you insinuating that we are over the hill? Look young man, this is nothing compared to what I use to do when I was younger, isn’t it

Zaacheus?

We see elder Zaacheus panting for breath obviously exhausted. Violet goes to him.

VIOLET

(Holding Elder Zaacheus)Sir, are you all right?

ELDER ZAACHEUS

Oh it’s nothing. It’s just been a while that I have really applied myself like this.

Violet rubs Elder Zaacheus’s joints which he obviously enjoys. Pa

Nojimu watches with envy.

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VIOLET

Just take it easy okay. You will get more used to the exercises if you do them more often.

ELDER ZAACHEUS

Aaaah, thank you.

There is a shout from Pa Nojimu who crumples down in pain. Violet and the others look at him. Pa Nojimu looks at Violet as if begging her to come while his noise dies down. Violet understands Pa Nojimu’s game.

EVERYBODY

Pa Nojimu!

Everybody laughs.


Three men are arguing with Doris.

MAN 1

How long do we have to wait? This is the third time that we’re checking here and they are not back yet.

MAN 2

This is not fair at all. Do you know how much time we have wasted going and coming? Do you think we have nothing doing?

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DORIS

Please I am very sorry. They are around the area so they should have come back. Let me try and call them

Doris picks up her phone and calls praying that they answer it but no answer.

MAN 3

Guy shey make we check that new gym wey just open?

MAN 1

You, wetin you wan remove from this your panla body?

MAN 2

I hear that the babe who dey manage the place na beauty queen.

MAN 1[EXCITED]

Then wetin we dey wait for? Make we waka!

Guys walk out. Doris is disgusted upon hearing about Violet and shakes her head. Mabel comes in.

MABEL

Doris, have you seen Dare? He’s been gone a long time and he’s not answering his phone.

DORIS

I think I know where he is.

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Everybody is on one exercise apparatus or the other. Timi and Sunday are with some dumbbells. Timi looks at a large weight apparatus.

TIMI

(Drops dumbbells and goes towards weight) Guy make I go chop better weight. Come and help me.

SUNDAY

(Following him)Heh Timi, you dey do more than yourself O!

TIMI

So it is this thing that you’re fearing? In my home town we dey lift bigger weights than this.

Timi looks to a side and sees two girls on the treadmill. He smiles at them and goes to sit on the weight bench while showing off.

TIMI [SHOWING OFF]


SUNDAY

Timi...

TIMI [LOUDER]


Sunday lifts the weight off its rest and gives it to Timi who holds it.

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TIMI

(With difficulty)You see ... I told you... it is...easy

Timi starts feeling pain and can’t ignore it.

TIMI [SHOUTING]

Yeee! Aaah!! Sunday help me remove am O! Yeee!

While Sunday struggles to lift the weight off him, a girl comes and removes the weight with one hand. Timi feels humiliated.


Mabel and Doris come into the gym.

MABEL

So this is the latest thing in town now.

DORIS

No. (Points at Violet) She is.

Violet comes over to the girls.

VOILET

Good day ladies. You’re welcome to Arrows gym.

MABEL

So na you dey cause all this commotion?

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VIOLET

Commotion?! (She laughs) Come on, everybody wants to see what we’re offering here at arrows.

Dare walks slowly clutching his back.

VIOLET

Oh hello?

On seeing her Dare straightens himself up.

DARE [SMILES]

Oh hello.

VIOLET

Did you enjoy the session?

DARE

More than. In fact I will be back tomorrow. No, make that this evening. Mabel you’re here.

MABEL

So you now work here?

DARE

Oh don’t be sarcastic. We all need to keep fit.

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VIOLET

That’s true. You girls will surely benefit from exercising here. You could remove some of the flab on your bodies with our exercise apparatus

Doris and Mabel are horrified.

DORIS

Are you saying that I am fat?

VIOLET

I am just saying that you could look more beautiful by working out.

DARE

That’s true.

Dare struggles to walk out straight covering up the pain that he feels.

MABEL

Now you look here miss, I will...

Their attention is caught by a crash off shot. We see Dare has crashed into some exercise equipments. Mabel and Doris looks at Violet.

SC 11 INT. BARBING SALON – EVENING/NIGHT

Doris is reading a novel when a handsome guy enters. Doris looks up and is entranced by the stranger.

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GUY

Hello

DORIS [ENTHUSIASTICALLY]

Hello, you’re welcome to Yankee barbers. What would you want?

GUY

I thought this was a barbing salon.

DORIS

Yes of course. It still is.

GUY

But where are the barbers?

DORIS

We are here.

GUY [INCREDUOSLY]

You?

DORIS

Yes, or are you saying that you’ve never heard of female barbers?

GUY

No, but...

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DORIS

Then sit down.

She pushes him to the chair, puts a white cloth on him and takes out the clippers. She is about to start cutting when the guy stops her.

GUY

Hey, aren’t you going to ask what cut I want?

DORIS

Oh that. I like that. A man who knows what he wants.

GUY

I want three layered punk.

DORIS

That’s a good style. (Beat) What’s that?

Guy looks up at Doris.

SC. 12 INT. GYM – NIGHT.

It’s almost closing time at the gym. The guys surround Violet asking all sorts of questions.

AKEEM

So I should try not to bend too much while I am barbing.

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VIOLET

Yes. That way you reduce the risk of damaging the spinal cord. We don’t want to have a fine boy like you stooping all over the place.

SYLVESTER

Now that would be a sight.

They all laugh.

ELDER ZAACHEUS

I hope you will come tomorrow and help me with my joints. The rubbing you gave me really helped. Thank you.

Pa Nojimu grumbles to himself.

VIOLET

You’re welcome sir.

TIMI

I really enjoyed your helping us to exercise.

VIOLET

Thanks for the compliment.

TIMI

Do you do home service?

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Everybody laughs.

VIOLET [LAUGHS]

Let’s take things one at a time, okay? It’s being nice having you guy’s honor my invitation. Thank you.

SYLVESTER

Ah no. We should thank you for making our day. It’s not every day that a beautiful lady like you helps us to work out.

VIOLET

Oh thank you Sylvester.

AKEEM [SURPRISED]

(To Sylvester)Ah ah Sly, you don dey wake up?


The men are entering the salon excitedly when we hear the guy shouting at Doris. The guy’s hair is a mess.

GUY

How could you lie that you’re a barber? Do you know what you’ve done?

DORIS

Please I am sorry. I didn’t mean to annoy you.

PA NOJIMU

What an unmitigated catastrophe! This is worse than a tsunami.

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Sylvester and Akeem come over.

AKEEM

Hey my guy, take it easy. What’s going on?

GUY

It’s your barber here. Look at what she did to my hair.

SUNDAY

This one barber? She doesn’t even know how to operate a clipper.

TIMI

God, save us from desperate women.

SYLVESTER

We’re sorry about everything. We had to attend to (looks at

Akeem)...some pressing matters. (Akeem nods in agreement smiling)

GUY

This is pure rubbish. A friend recommended that I come here but see what you people have done to me.

SYLVESTER

I am sorry sir. Just sit down here. I will take care of it.

Akeem looks at Doris who is feeling ashamed.

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SC. 14 INT. GYM - DAY

The men are coming in chatting excitedly for another day of work outs when they see a sight that stops them in their tracks. We see a muscular guy who is inspecting one of the apparatus. He looks up and notices them.

PHILLIPS

Oh good morning gentlemen, I am Phillips.

Phillips sticks out his hand for a handshake but the men just stare at him not believing what they are seeing.

PHILLIPS

I am the new manager of Arrows gym and...


What have you done to our Violet?

PHILLIPS [CONFUSED]

Excuse me.

AKEEM

My friend don’t pretend that you don’t know what we’re talking about.

Where is the girl who manages this gym? She was here yesterday.

PA NOJIMU

My friend if you want to avail yourself of being in our favorable disposition, you better unfetter that girl wherever you have her domiciled.

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EVERYBODY

Yes!

PHILLIPS [LAUGHS]

What are you guys insinuating? Violet was redeployed by the boss this morning.

SYLVESTER

That’s a lie from the pit of hell.

All the men begin to shout on Phillips. Chairman’s voice quiets them down.

CHAIRMAN

(Coming in) Will someone tell me what’s going on here?

ELDER ZAACHEUS

Kolade, something must be done about the security here. Can you imagine that the manager of the gym here, Violet is missing? I suspect that this boy here has something to do with her disappearance.

EVERYBODY

Yes!!

CHAIRMAN

Everybody calm down. Violet has not disappeared. She is safe.

Everybody is happy and shout out their relief.

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CHAIRMAN

But she no longer works here.

EVERYBODY

What?!

SUNDAY

But she has being very good at her job.

PA NOJIMU

A real pleasure to have around.

AKEEM

A true professional.

EVERYBODY

Yes!

CHAIRMAN

Unfortunately that is the problem. You people have become so besotted by Violet in one day that I wondered if anything would have been done if she was here for longer. So I had to do something about IT. I am a business so I am here to make money not babies.

The men all look sadly at themselves.

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EPISODE 14

MY FIANCEE


Akeem is in the bar having a drink and is in a war of wits with Dare who is as obnoxious as ever.

DARE

So you believe that you can get any woman that you choose in a world of variety? Isn’t that so delusional?

AKEEM

Why don’t you just admit that you are terrible at getting women?

DARE

(Laughs)Me terrible? Do you know the special qualities that I have? Do you know how many women adore me because of it?

AKEEM

Like the saying goes, a baby baboon will always be loved by its mother.

DARE

I don’t blame you. Many of you don’t have the sophistication to appreciate my special attributes.

AKEEM

That’s because you’re always reminding us of them every second you can, even when you don’t talk.

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A beautiful lady enters the bar and places an order.

LADY

Can I have malt please?

DARE

(Obliges her)Sure.

The lady catwalks to her seat. The guys watch her.

DARE

Now I am ready to bet that you can’t toast that babe and win.

AKEEM

Watch and learn.

Akeem goes to the lady and tries wooing her. From Dare’s point of view it’s inaudible but we see the lady smiling and laughing at what Akeem says. Dare is surprised when the lady gives Akeem her phone number.

The Lady goes off with Dare in awe. Akeem comes over and snatches

Dare’s money. Dare pretends not to be impressed.

Another lady comes into the bar and goes to take a sit.

DARE

What a shame. There are girls who will go for anything nowadays!

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AKEEM

Want to win your money back?

Dare looks at the girl and at Akeem. He takes the challenge dropping another thousand naira note. He goes to the lady and sits beside her.

DARE

Hello. That’s a beautiful dress that you have on.

The lady looks at Dare.

DARE

Yes I know. You loved the compliment.

The lady slaps Dare and walks out. Akeem just laughs while Dare is shocked.

AKEEM

Special Qualities!

SC. 2 INT. BARBING SALON – DAY

The other barbers are laughing at the encounter in the bar which Akeem just told them.

TIMI

Idiot! That guy too dey fool himself.

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SUNDAY

Dare the big fool.

PA NOJIMU

What a stupendous egotistical bastard. He deserves what he got.

The lady who Akeem toasted comes into the shop.

AKEEM

Men Sade thanks. I too feel your swagger. You should go into

Nollywood.

SADE

No probs. Just get me that gift that you promised me O!

AKEEM

Eh no lele! Help me greet Steve okay.

LADY

Okay bye.

Lady goes out as Doris steps in.

DORIS

Eh Sylvester can I see you for a minute.

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AKEEM

Doris, you don start your kurukere moves again.

DORIS

Get away joo!

Doris leads Sylvester to a corner.

DORIS

I have just gotten an opportunity of a lifetime.

SYLVESTER

Wow. The way you’re saying it I hope something substantial comes to me.

DORIS

Ah ah you’re my person now. My uncle wants to give me a loan to expand my business and get a shop.

SYLVESTER

That’s good. Congrats.

DORIS

Thanks. The only condition is that I must have a man I am engaged to.

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SYLVESTER [CONFUSED]

So how do I come in?

DORIS

I just want you to be my fiancée.

SYLVESTER

(Laughs) You’re a very nice girl. But I already have someone that...

DORIS

It’s just to pretend to be my fiancée, not the real thing.

SYLVESTER

Oh!

DORIS

So will you do it?

SYLVESTER

Am sorry I can’t help you there. I can’t see myself doing such.

DORIS [DISTRAUGHT}

But what’s wrong Sly? If it’s money I will...

SYLVESTER

It’s not the money. I just don’t like getting involved in such things.

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Doris is saddened. Akeem who has been listening in comes over.

AKEEM

Forget Mr. goody goody. I can help you out of your dilemma. All you have to do is simple. Just go out with me and (lowers voice) let’s get to really know each other. (Giggles) You know what I am saying babe?

DORIS

I do.

AKEEM

Ah good. When do we start?

DORIS

In your dreams!

Akeem is annoyed. Timi comes over.

TIMI

You know Sister Doris, I can do it O! (Poses) Fine boy no pimples.

Your uncle won’t even say anything but just give you the money like that. As long as you just settle me, no problem. (He poses with a smile)

Doris just stares at him for a moment wondering if the junior boy was mad. Timi gets uncomfortable.

TIMI

Forget I said anything. (He goes off)

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Doris is talking with Mabel.

DORIS

This is so frustrating. I don’t know who else to call on to act as my fiancée. What do I do now?

MABEL

Why are you killing yourself over nothing? There are so many guys on the street that you can take to your uncle.

DORIS

You don’t know my uncle. The guy has to be presentable and I mean very presentable. My uncle can be so choosy. He is going to drill the guy die.

MABEL [JOKING]

Maybe you can wait till one of the blue eyed guys from your romance novels come over.

DORIS

It’s not funny Mabel. This is a serious matter.

Dare comes over to drop some empty bottles.

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DARE

Bloody idiots! You will think that some people will have the decency not to use the bottle as a toilet.

Doris looks at Mabel then at Dare. Mabel gets what she wants to do.

MABEL

Oh no. Please don’t tell me it’s that bad.

DORIS

Do I have a choice?

DARE

What choice? What are you talking about?

DORIS

I have a situation that I want you to help me with.

DARE

I am listening.

DORIS

I want to get a loan from my uncle and he insists on seeing my fiancée or no loan. So I was wondering if you can play that role for me.

Dare smiles and pretends to think long and hard about it.

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DARE

Interesting. You want me to help you.

DORIS

Yes, or is there a problem with that?

DARE

No, except if you go against my conditions.

DORIS

What are these conditions?

DARE

Very simple. One I want a cut out of the loan money.

DORIS

That’s fair enough.

DARE

Two in order to make this experience more worthwhile you shall henceforth refer to me as papa bear and I refer to you as mama bear.

Doris is already looking disgusted.

DORIS

But why?

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DARE

To make the experience more authentic! Finally we shall be going to events together as a couple.

DORIS

Jesus. I wonder what would happen to the girl that you will marry.

DARE

If you’re not comfortable with it, you can try next door.

Doris just looks at Mabel who shrugs.

SC. 4 INT. BARBING SALON - DAY

Elder Zaacheus and Pa Nojimu are busy playing draft. An elderly man is having a haircut.

PA NOJIMU

I have always said that I am your supremo in this contest. You cannot beat my intellectual intelligencia.

ELDER ZAACHEUS

Mr man stop talking and play.

Pa Nojimu makes a move that removes three counters from Elder Zaacheus board. Elder Zaacheus is very pained that he didn’t see the obvious.

PA NOJIMU

You observe what I have just pinpointed.

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SUNDAY

I will rather be dead than play draft like this every day.

TIMI

(To Himself)Ha God will not allow me end like this in Jesus name.

AKEEM

(Putting finishing touches on elderly man)If you two don’t pay attention here, you won’t even have a draft board to your name when you get to their age.

Pa Nojimu is beating elder Zaacheus.

PA NOJIMU

Ha Zaacheus, why don’t you just give up and admit defeat? This is the end and you know it.

The elderly customer comes over to them and greets them.

TITUS

You people seem to be very good at this game.

ELDER ZAACHEUS

Good ke! In fact if there was a world championship we would be one of the leading players.

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TITUS

Is that so?

PA NOJIMU

Do I smell the whiff of a challenge?

SUNDAY

Ha God, now they’ve gotten a new member. Very soon they will be holding premier league for draft here.

TITUS

If you feel you can take me on, let’s play.

PA NOJIMU

That’s my man. Have a sit. (Titus sits) Zaacheus watch as I deliver a lesson to our new friend here.

SC 5. INT. BARBING SALON – MOMENTS LATER

We see Pa Nojimu and Elder Zaacheus’s faces in a sad mood as Titus has just beaten them in the draft game.

TITUS

It’s been nice playing with you gentlemen. Though I feel the seven zero beating is a little flattering. (Stands up) I have to get home to my wife. Have a nice day.

Titus goes out. The barbers who have been watching the elders burst into laughter while the elders still can’t believe what hit them.

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SYLVESTER

So someone can beat Elder Zaacheus and Pa Nojimu on their own turf.

TIMI

Na wa O!

AKEEM

A Daniel has come to judgement.

PA NOJIMU

Will you all shut up! He just met us on a bad day that’s all.

AKEEM

He beat you both seven zero and you call it a bad day.

ELDER ZAACHEUS

The next time he comes here he won’t have it easy at all.

SYLVESTER

I will really like to see that.

SC 6. INT. BAR - DAY

Doris is trying to coach Dare on the likely questions that her uncle will ask her ‘fiancee’ but Dare is proving difficult.

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DARE

Every girl I know likes pink. Why would you go for blue? It seems too odd for a female color.

DORIS[EXASPERATED]

Dare, you’re not me. So for the last time remember the answer is blue, after all I choose the color not you. Now what is my favorite food?

DARE

Amala with ofe nsala.

DORIS

It’s eba with ofe nsala.

DARE

Of all the foods in the world! Couldn’t you choose a better one?

Doris is close to getting mad.

DORIS

Dare if you’re going to make things difficult for me we can as well forget this.

DARE

Okay ,okay.

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DORIS

Now you remember my schools.

DARE

St Joseph’s primary school, Akoka and Reagan Anglican secondary school.

DORIS

It’s Reagan Baptist secondary school.

DARE

Okay, I remember a girl I dated once in secondary school who attended there.

DORIS

(To Herself)I am sure she must have been blind.(To Dare)That’s good.

You remember my previous work places.

DARE

Yes Julius and Berger law company.

DORIS [ANGRILY]

Its Julius and Buga! Julius and Buga!!

DARE

Okay. It’s difficult remembering that kind of funny name. Why would someone go to work for them? They sound like fraudsters to me.

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Doris just looks at Dare wondering how the situation came to this.

Dare gets a call.

Dare goes off leaving Doris looking on. Mabel comes over.

DARE

Excuse me. John what’s up?

MABEL

How’s it going?

DORIS

A disaster! How do you manage to cope with this guy?

MABEL

I just pretend he’s invisible because Dare can send you to Yaba left faster than a concussion.

DORIS [FRUSTRATED]

God he is so...he is so...

MABEL

Babe I know the feeling. But na you dey dull yourself. Just hook one big boy and you wouldn’t need all this wahala of getting a loan from your uncle.

DORIS

But you know I can’t do that. I detest it.

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MABEL

And being with Dare is what you like? So why are you complaining? Keep on waiting for ‘love’. You go wait tire.

Mabel goes off. Dare comes back.

DARE

Yes what was it that you said you liked eating, semo and edikan ikong?

Doris is livid.


Everybody is working while the elders at their game. Doris is arranging some of her inventory. Titus comes in.

SYLVESTER

Ah good afternoon sir.

TITUS

Oh hello. You guys remember me.

AKEEM

Anybody who can keep Pa Nojimu and Elder Zaacheus quiet for a long time will be remembered.

TITUS

By the way where are they?

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AKEEM

(Points)At their usual corner.

Pa Nojimu sights him and is not pleased.

PA NOJIMU

For God’s sake what is that fiend doing perambulating in our domicile?

I hope he is not here to partake in our undertaking.

TITI

Hello gentlemen.

ELDER ZAACHEUS/PA NOJIMU

Hello.

TITUS

I see you’re still playing your game. Maybe I should just stand by and watch for now.

ELDER ZAACHEUS

That’s a very good idea.

SC. 8 INT. BARBING SALON - CONTINUOUS

Dare comes into the salon.

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DARE

Hey mama bear!

Doris feels embarrassed.

AKEEM

Guy come. You sure say you dey alright? This one wey you dey look for animal for our salon?

DARE [HAUGHTILY]

Excuse me. I don’t have time to chitchat with you. Doris?

Doris comes over.

DORIS

What is it now? Can’t you see that I am busy?

DARE

Sorry I just wanted to remind you of our date this evening.

DORIS

And so? Is that why you’re shouting my name all over the place?

AKEEM [SURPRISED]

It is a lie! Don’t tell me you got him to be your fiancée.

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DARE

And what is wrong with that if I may ask?

AKEEM

Doris you could have told me the situation was critical. I would have loaned you my twelve year old nephew instead of his ‘royal highness’ here.

TIMI

There are more mad people outside the psycho hospital than inside.

DORIS

Look Akeem it’s none of your business. You decided not to help me so why are you talking?

DARE

That’s right mama bear.

DORIS

You too if you like forget all I have taught you. If you mess up you will see what I will do to you. (She goes off)

AKEEM

Look Doris I have medicine for malaria. You know there are some types of malaria that can make people delusional.

TIMI

Bros Akeem?

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Akeem looks at him. Timi points at the elders.

SC. 9 INT. BARBING SALON – CONTINUOUS

Titus is still watching Elder Zaacheus and Pa Nojimu play. Pa Zaacheus makes a move.

TITUS

You could have just played this one here and you would have blocked him.

The two elders look at him and resume playing. PA Nojimu makes another move.

TITUS

Nice move. Zaacheus you see what I was saying. If you had played it as

I suggested he wouldn’t have had that opportunity.

The two elders glare at him.

TITUS [SMILES]

I know. It comes from experience.

Elder Zaacheus intends to make another move.

TITUS

Why don’t you just play this one? Think about your defense.

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Elder Zaacheus and Pa Nojimu have had it with Titus’s interference and subsequently end the game prematurely, pack up the board and stand.

TIMI [SURPRISED]

What’s happening? I was really enjoying your game.

ELDER ZAACHEUS

Exactly! That is the problem. You’re enjoying it too much. Maybe it’s time we took a break from playing for today.

The elders exit. The barbers look on.

SUNDAY

Omo, so it is this simple to send this elders home.

SC 10. INT. UNCLE’S LIVING ROOM – DAY

Uncle Efe is reading a newspaper when there is a knock n the door.

UNCLE EFE

Yes come in.

Doris and Dare enter holding hands and greet Uncle Efe

DORIS

That’s my fiancée sir Dare.

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UNCLE EFE

I see. Nice meeting you Dare. (Shakes hands with Dare)

DARE

Thank you sir. Allow me to say that it’s a honor meeting the man who bought up this beautiful lady here.

UNCLE EFE[SMILES]

Wow what encomiums considering the fact that her parents who bought her up are still alive.

Dare looks embarrassed and looks at Doris.

UNCLE EFE

Sit down (They oblige him) So Dare what do you for a living?

DARE

I work in the hospitality industry sir. I manage a bar

UNCLE EFE

Hmm! So how long have you known my niece Doris?

DARE

Oh a very long time. Sometimes I feel like we’ve known each other for ever, isn’t that so mama bear.

Dare puts his arm around Doris who is embarrassed but manages to present a front by nodding.

UNCLE EFE

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Really?

DARE

Yes sir.

UNCLE EFE

So you should be familiar with her previous working place.

DARE

Of course I am sir. It was Jason and Burger sir.

Doris is horrified as Uncle Efe looks at Dare.

DARE

Oh I meant Jason and Buga. You know the pressures of work make me forget such things.

UNCLE EFE

Well the reason I wanted to see you was to be assured that my niece is making the right choice of a life partner while she is carrying out her profession. There are too many irresponsible boys around.

DARE

That’s true sir.

UNCLE EFE

I see that you both are wearing red today.

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DARE

Oh yes. It’s her favorite color.

Doris looks at Dare. Uncle Efe squeezes his face.

DARE

I meant her favorite color for today.

Dare and Doris smiles uneasily. Uncle Efe just looks on.

SC. 11 UNCLE’S LIVING ROOM – MOMENTS LATER

Uncle Efe is still interviewing Dare and Doris. Dare is still arrogantly fumbling his way.

UNCLE EFE

So you’re telling me that you’ve known each other for four years now and can’t tell what brand of braids she sells?

DARE

Well I have a lot of work to do at the bar and I don’t have the time to be looking at what braids she sells.

UNCLE EFE

I see. You hardly know anything about your fiancé. How am I even sure that you’re going out? Doris, can you explain this?

DORIS

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Uncle em...you see...

UNCLE EFE

You see what you’ve done to yourself. It was so obvious from the time you came in that you’re not a couple. The two of you don’t know anything about each other. Is this how you wanted to deceive me just to collect a loan?

DARE [FRANTIC]

Actually it was her idea. She pushed me into it.

DORIS [FRANTIC]

Uncle please it was...

UNCLE EFE

Will you be quiet! I just wanted what’s best for you but you decided to lie to me. Why didn’t you just tell me that you’re not engaged?

That would have saved us a lot of problems from the onset. Now I want you and your fake boyfriend to get out of my house.

DORIS [PLEADS]

Uncle please now...

UNCLE EFE

(Points at door) Out!

SC. 13 EXT. UNCLE EFE’S HOUSE

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Doris and Dare go out. Doris is heartbroken. Dare suddenly remembers something.

DARE

Yes I just remembered. The course you did in the polytechnic, wasn’t it Mass communication?

Doris glares at him.

EPISODE 15

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JAND STRAIGHT


Timi is receiving a call from Bernice. The others are at work.

TIMI

Bernice I don’t have that kind of money. Where do you expect me to get it from...Yes I know. But times are tough. Just manage what I have okay... (Annoyed)Oh now you’re blaming me as if I was the only one who caused it? Weren’t you the one who came to parade her big bombom before me?

The others start laughing.

TIMI [CONT’D]

I will go to the ATM now. Then you can come and collect the money later...What do you mean you can’t wait till then?

BERNICE [O.S.]

Because I want to follow you to the ATM!

Timi looks up to see that Bernice is at the door.

TIMI

So you’re at the door all this time?

BERNICE

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If you’re the one who had to listen to junior cry all night, you will do much worse. Besides I am here to ensure that I get that money instead of you wasting it on some stupid girl somewhere.

AKEEM

(To himself)As if you’re a much better investment.

TIMI

You can see that I am at work.

BERNICE

(Sits down)Then I will wait.

Timi looks at Sylvester.

SYLVESTER

Better go to that ATM quickly before they close.

TIMI

Thank you bros!

SYLVESTER

And come back quickly, baby daddy.

Timi and Bernice go out.

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DORIS

Wow Sylvester, you’re very kind. I have always admired your leadership skills.

SYLVESTER

Which kindness? I just didn’t want that orobo around here a second longer. She can whine from now till next week.

ELDER ZAACHEUS

Young men of nowadays have no concept of what it is to be a man. They want all the fun but are not ready for the consequences.

PA NAJIMU

This absurdity never found face during our era. It’s the pinnacle of imprudence for one to have a child out of wedlock. But my observation brings to me the ludicrous sight of lads and lasses barely out of their diapers exercising their right to the biblical command of going forth and replenishing the earth.

AKEEM

Pa Nojimu, you dey scatter ground with this your grammar.

PA NOJIMU

Thanks for the eulogy. You should have attested to my prowess when I was your age. My aptness and sagacity in the English language went far and wide. In fact I was so good that I even taught some of my teachers.

ELDER ZAACHEUS

Remember when the principal punished you because you called him a troubleshooter?

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PA NOJIMU [LIVID]

That numbskull, nincompoop, scallywag...

DORIS

We understand your pain sir. You don’t have to pass it onto us sir.


Sunday enters the salon beaming with his football kit bag. He greets them.

AKEEM

You’re really happy today. Has Baba Ijebu answered your prayers?

SUNDAY [EXCITED]

It’s the new team I am with. That coach is very good and very intelligent. For once I have found a coach who understands true talent.

SYLVESTER

So because he is playing you he is very intelligent eh?

SUNDAY

Yes now. That is what every player wants and very soon you will soon see me playing in the premiership.

ELDER ZAACHEUS

You Sunday? (Sings) Dre-e-e-e-eam, dream, dream, dream, dre-e-e-e-eam.

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SUNDAY

Ah elder Zaacheus, this dream will come true. Our team is going for a youth competition in England in two weeks time and our coach has decided to give us a chance to go for trials over there

AKEEM

Wow, nice one.

SUNDAY

Once I dazzle them with my moves, (Demonstrates) they will have no choice but play me in the premiership. Ah Jand stright.

SYLVESTER

You are not even praying to do well in the competition. \

SUNDAY

Which competition? The main thing na to enter Jand and from there find my way. All I have to do is find the money to pay coach to process my documents so that I can travel with them.

DORIS

You have to pay? Sunday I don’t like how this sounds. Why should you pay when you’re in the team already?

SUNDAY

I don’t know. That’s what coach told me. This is my one chance to improve my life. He has taken players abroad before.

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SYLVESTER

Sunday shine your eyes very well. This looks like a fraud.

SUNDAY

Bros Sylvester, don’t worry nothing will happen.


Dare is cleaning up the counter when Mabel comes over.

MABEL

Dare I want to go and see that guy I was telling you about. You know the chap that works in that multinational company who called me yesterday.

DARE

I am sorry but you can’t go anywhere!

MABEL [HORRIFIED]

What?! But I have been preparing all day for this.

DARE

Then you will have to prepare for another day. We have a very important guest coming into the bar today and we have to look our best for him.

MABEL

And who is this guest that has just ruined my date?

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DARE

I can’t tell you now.

MABEL

What do you mean you can’t tell me now? What’s going on here Dare?

DARE

Nothing I am just following orders to keep the bar in tip top condition so (gives her a mop) don’t waste any time. (Hurrying her)

Let’s go let’s go.

MABEL

By the way is he loaded?

Dare looks at her.


Guys are busy barbing when Sufi comes in.

SUFI

Eyin boys wetin dey!

Boys hail Sufi.

SYLVESTER

Oga Sufi, anything for your boys?

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SUFI

Ah I get happiness for you.

AKEEM

Na happiness we go chop?

SUFI

Siddon there. You never see person wey wan use your head test bottle strength before.

SUNDAY

Sufi, you get anything for me?

SUFI

Sunny my man! You know I no fit shi for you now.(Gives him piece of paper)

SUNDAY

Ah baba Sufi God go bless you. Once I win this one I go invest am in my travelling runs.

SUFI [EXCITED]

Ah Sunny, which travel runs? Show your man the way now.

SUNDAY

Na my coach wan carry us go Jand for one competition. I wan use the money runs my travel documents.

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SUFI

Shey I fit enter? Me too wan travel out, I no mind If I be ball boy O!

DORIS

Sufi, you too want to play football and travel.

SUFI

Babe leave that thing O! I was the number seven when I was in secondary school. You should have seen me then.

Sufi demonstrates moves. Boys hail him.

SYLVESTER

Sufi! Sufi!! Why you no face ball now?

SUFI

Ol boy I have to make money now.

PA NAJIMU

And you believe that threatening bus drivers is a respectable way of earning a livelihood?

SUFI

Papa, leave all that grammar. As long as kishi dey enter pocket I no mind.

PA NAJIMU

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You don’t even have a conscience, arousing disruption all in the name of union.

SUFI

Sunday we go dey see. (Going out) We go still yarn over that travel runs.

SUNDAY


Okay now.

Akeem goes to Sunday, takes him aside and whispers to him.

AKEEM

Come when are you guys traveling?

SUNDAY

In the next two weeks.

AKEEM

Do you guys need an assistant coach?

SUNDAY

We have that already.

AKEEM

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Ok, do you need a manager, psychologist, goalkeeper trainer or anything that a football team needs?

SUNDAY [SURPRISED]

Bros Akeem, our team is just a small now. We are not in the premiership.

AKEEM

Okay,can you help me arrange to travel with the team?

Sunday smiles and laughs.

SUNDAY

Bros Akeem you could have just told me that now. I can do it but I will have to talk to my coach.

AKEEM [SMILES]

Correct guy (taps him in appreciation) No tell anybody.

SUNDAY

Don’t worry. I will carry your secret to my grave. Trust me

Sylvester comes over.

SYLVESTER

What are you to discussing?

SUNDAY

Nothing. Bros Akeem just wants me to help him travel abroad.

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Akeem is aghast at Sunday’s lousiness. Sunday suddenly remembers.

SUNDAY

Ah I have forgotten. Sorry!

Akeem just glares at him. He wants to say something but decisdes to be quiet.


Dare comes in with his uncle John who is clearly not impressed.

DARE

Here it is uncle John.

UNCLE JOHN

(Looks around) So this is the place that you told me about. Your mates are busy working in offices and you’re here making people drunk?

DARE

Uncle it’s not like that.

UNCLE JOHN

Then what is it like? All your mates have jobs in big companies and you’re here running a small beer parlor. How can a nephew of mine be running a beer parlor?

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DARE

It’s a bar uncle.

UNCLE JOHN

Oh save me the semantics.

Mabel comes around. She greets Uncle John.

DARE

This is my Uncle John. Uncle, meet Mabel.

UNCLE JOHN

Is this how you allow your employees dress here? I hope you don’t do any other thing here apart from the selling of beer which is bad enough.

MABEL [SLIGHTLY ANNOYED]

Dare is this the guest we’re expecting?

UNCLE JOHN

Ah ah abomination, no respect. Is this how you allow your workers call you by name here? I have always said that you’re a confused young man.

Mabel wants to give uncle John a piece of her mind but Dare cuts in fast.

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DARE

Excuse me uncle I have to attend to some work details. Just give me a minute

UNCLE JOHN

Just don’t be long. You haven’t offered me a drink since I arrived.

Mabel wants to say something. Dare takes her away to a corner

MABEL

So this is the VIP guest that you’ve been expecting. I see where you get your behavior from. And what is this I am hearing about me being your worker? Don’t tell me that he thinks you own this place?

DARE

Mabel it’s kind of complicated.

MABLE

Then you better uncomplicate it because if chairman catches you, I am not there O!

UNCLE JOHN [SHOUTING]

Will you hurry up there!

DARE

I’m coming uncle.

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MABEL

I see the cantankerous blood runs in the family. Alright pay up.

DARE[SHOCKED]

Mabel!

MABEL

Yes now. Do you know how much I could have made today? Maybe I should tell Uncle John that his nephew is just a bar tender here.

Mabel is going but is stopped by a frantic Dare.

DARE

Please! Please!! Okay, I will settle you.


Elder Zaachus and Pa Najimu are having a heated argument.

ELDER ZAACHEUS

What do you mean by that? I was in Ibadan during that period. She married the first guy in 1969, then the second one in December 1975. I was near the area that the marriage happened.

PA NAJIMU

That is a fallacious statement that you’ve just made. Sade married this Olufemi guy in September 1975. I remember that it was in a magazine, society people that I read about the marriage.

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ELDER ZAACHEUS

Look at you. You read in a magazine and I am telling you that my neighbor Mr. Phillips was at the wedding live in Challenge. It was almost Christmas then so I know that it was December 1975

PA NAJIMU

Bloody balderdash! How can you say that? I know it was September because the school year had just resumed. I remember buying a Ebenezer

Obey album around that time.

Doris and Sylvester are watching the two elders arguing.

DORIS

I don’t understand how two adults will spend time arguing over such a trivial matter.

SYLVESTER

This is what happens when you have too much time in your hands.

DORIS

By the way where are Akeem and Timi?

SYLVESTER

They’re with Sunday training at his football team.

DORIS [SURPRISED]

What?! Are they that desperate to travel? They are various ways one can go out instead of forcing yourself on a group of kids.

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SYLVESTER

Maybe they feel that this is cheaper. But I don’t feel comfortable with it. I feel that it’s a fraud.

DORIS

Have you shared your thoughts with them?

SYLVESTER

Yes, But they believe that it’s real. To think that even Sufi wants to go on the trip.

DORIS

That’s what you get in a land of desperadoes.

SC. 8 INT. BARBING SALON – CONTINUOUS

Sunday, Akeem and Timi enter in football stripes with the later two panting furiously. The elder’s argument has subsided.

SYLVESTER

The new premiership stars are around.

DORIS

I see the training went well.

TITI

Ah it’s not easy.

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AKEEM

Footballers dey try O!

SUNDAY

You think say e easy?

SYLVESTER

All this stress una dey go thru just becos u wan travel I hope e worth am.

AKEEM

Don’t worry. When I send you email from Jand in two weeks time you will know if it worth am.

ELDER ZAACHEUS

So you have joined the legions of wannabees who want to try their luck in football abroad. I have never imagined you guys in a football kit.

TIMI

Not exactly. Once I get there I will just find my way and hustle.

AKEEM

That’s the plan.

SYLVESTER

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Look guys why don’t you reconsider this adventure of yours. Something tells me that it’s a fraud.

AKEEM

I come against that in Jesus name. I will enter Jand this year. I can see myself walking proudly on the streets of London.

SYLVESTER

You mean more like running like a rat since the immigration officials will be chasing you?

AKEEM

Sylvester, please if you have nothing good to say just don’t say anything. All I know is that I am Janding very soon.

TIMI

Yes O!

SC.9 INT. BARBING SALON – DAY

Pa Najimu notices something in the newspapers and brings it to everyone’s attention.

PA NAJIMU [LIVID]

Can you imagine the temerity, the absurdity, the aloofness, the the...

SYLVESTER

What is it Pa Najimu?

PA NAJIMU

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It’s all this cretins abroad who give us a bad name. Just imagine twenty five Nigerians were deported from America for various crimes. I just can’t fanthom how some harebrained loonies think that they can persist in their iniquitous enterprise and get away.

AKEEM

Pa Nojimu I wouldn’t blame them. It’s the stupid country we live in.

ELDER ZAACHEUS

That is no excuse. After all there are Nigerians out there that are not into criminal activities there. Why can’t they just stay at home and develop themselves.

DORIS

Develop kini?! In this hostile environment that wants to bring you down? People who do the right things here are shunned so why would anybody want to waste his time here?

PA NAJIMU

So you concur that it is better for one to gravitate towards a foreign land to be a second class citizen than stay and develop your own country?

TIMI

Yes O Pa Najimu. There are so many boys from here that are making it big abroad.

ELDER ZAACHEUS

That is a lie. That myth about the streets of Europe and America being paved with gold is a lie told by returnees who want to feel important before their family here. Do you know how many of them are jobless and

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WRITTEN BY JOVI BABS, DAPO LANRE BADMUS AND TOLA BOLAJI go into petty crimes to survive? With the recession worldwide it is not easy for their own citizens not to talk of foreigners.

AKEEM

But there are still better than us. They have electricity, water, good roads and their environment is very supportive.

PA NAJIMU

That is because some people sat down to make it so instead of running away to another country. Why can’t we emulate the same here?

TIMI

Because somebody will spoil the work.

ELDER ZAACHEUS

So what will you say about the people who have made it big in this country? If you just sit down and develop yourself you don’t have to run abroad to wash toilets. There are even Nigerians abroad coming back home.

AKEEM

Elder Zaacheus, all that one na story. All I know is before I die I must live in either Jand or Yankee and I will do whatever and I mean whatever to achieve that aim.

SYLVESTER

And that includes putting yourself under physical strain playing football with kids.


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Chairman Kolade comes in calling for Dare when Uncle John rudely stops him.

UNCLE JOHN

Hey! Hey!!Hey!!! Can’t you see you’re disturbing the peace around here? Ah ah I don’t know why everybody feels okay trying to burst people’s eardrums.

MR KOLADE

I am sorry. I am looking for the bar tender here Dare. Have you seen him?

UNCLE JOHN [LIVID]

Jesus, you people have no respect. Is it the owner of this bar that you’re calling a bar tender?

MR KOLADE [CONFUSED]

Excuse me what do you mean? I am the owner of this bar.

UNCLE JOHN

(Laughs)You think I was born yesterday? You can’t bobo me easily. My nephew is the owner of this bar.

Dare comes in and stops scared that his secret is about to be exposed.

UNCLE JOHN

Eh hen! Here he is. Ask him. Dare, this mad man came here shouting all over the place and claiming to own the bar.

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MR KOLADE

Dare, what’s going on here? And who is this man?

DARE [SCARED]

I...I...I...

UNCLE JOHN

Young man is it too much to claim your own bar?

MR KOLADE

What!

DARE

No sir. There’s a misunderstanding. Actually he is my uncle from the village and we bought him to Lagos to take care of...em...

MR KOLADE

So this is what you do in my absence?

DARE

No sir. Uncle, please come this way let me give you your drugs.

UNCLE JOHN

What stupid drugs? So you’ve being lying to us in the village ehn?

Telling everybody that you’re a big man in Lagos? How dare you deceive us young man? We had high hopes for you and this is how you turned out?

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Chairman Kolade storms out while Uncle John continues to shout on a hapless Dare.


Akeem, Timi and Sunday are talking excitedly about their upcoming migration.

AKEEM

You know what I will do once I get to Jand? I will find a white girl to toast and marry sharp sharp no wasting time. That way I can get citizenship fast.

DORIS

Haa Akeem!

AKEEM

(Goes towards her)Hmm it seems someone is going to miss me and my exclusive swagger.

DORIS

Miss You? Who born monkey?

AKEEM

When we say make we run things together you dey flex. Well it’s too late. Levels don change. This fine nigger is going for white babes now

TIMI

As for me I will just stay indoors and eat chicken for a whole week.

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SUNDAY

Is that all you can think of? Food?

TIMI

Guy after doing formula one oh one for a long time, make I no replace all the food wey I suppose don chop here? Infact every night I dream of chicken. I need to get fat.

PA NAJIMU

I wouldn’t blame him. After all people might run from him thinking he’s either a ghost or a AIDS patient.

Sylvester comes in with a print out.

AKEEM

Now I see why you went for that your orobo wife.

AKEEM

Sylvester my guy. Are you still sending out ‘I beg to apply’?

SUNDAY

Bros Sylvester you now play Baba Ijebu?

SYLVESTER

In your mind. This is for you guys. I checked the competition that

Sunday’s team is supposed to be participating in the London Youth Cup and here are the fixtures.

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He gives Sunday the paper.

AKEEM

Sylvester don’t tell me you’re still on this your crusade to stop us from our destiny?

SYLVESTER

Maybe if you looked closely at the paper you will know if that was your destiny at all.

Timi notices the worry on Sunday’s face as he peruses the paper.

TIMI

Sunday what is it?

PA NOJIMU

What is the cause of all this hyper ventilation?

SYLVESTER

Someone’s bubble is about to burst.

SUNDAY [FRANTIC]

Bros where did you get this?

AKEEM

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Sunday what’s wrong?

SUNDAY [FRANTIC]

(Looking at the paper all over)Our team is not in this fixture. How come? But this is the competition he told us that we’re going for.

AKEEM

Come! Come!! Come!!! What are you insinuating? I hope it is not what I think it is.

TIMI

Ha! In Jesus name God take control

DORIS

Take control of what? E don happen. Una don enter one chance.

PA NAJIMU

In other words you’ve being had, swindled, hoodwinked, scamed...

ELDER ZAACHEUS

You see what we’re saying before? Just because you all wanted to travel abroad by hook or crook, Your money has also gone by hook or crook.

Akeem ,Timi and Sunday still cannot believe what has just been revealed.

SUNDAY

No! No!! This is a lie.

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Akeem runs out with Timi and Sunday following. Pa Najimu, elder

Zaacheus, Doris and Sylvester all laugh.

SYLVESTER

(Shouts) Jand straight!

274

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EPISODE 19

TRUE LOVER


Pa Najimu is complaining about the obsession with money that today’s youth have. Akeem is not around.

PA NAJIMU

This situation is so preposterous. Everybody is only concerned about the pecuniary gains that they can get and not the service that they are to execute.

ELDER ZAACHEUS

Exactly! That’s why a lot of shoddy jobs are being done all over the place. I wonder how we got here as a country. It wasn’t like this during our time.

TIMI

It’s the government’s fault. When they will not give the youths jobs how do they expect us to survive?

ELDER ZAACHEUS

Why do you always keep blaming the government? Does the government regulate how we behave; after all there are still some people who are excellent at their endeavors?

PA NAJIMU

Zaacheus, the government is to blame for this situation after all as leaders they are supposed to act as role models but what do we see?

They are worse extortionist themselves bleeding everybody dry and they don’t even give a hoot.

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Akeem enters the salon.

SYLVESTER

Akeem you’re late. What happened?

AKEEM

Sly, it’s a long story.

DORIS

No problem. Just start from the top.

AKEEM

It’s one Tinu girl who feels that she’s got too much swagger. But one thing I know is that the girl who will turn down Akeem the dream has not yet being born.

DORIS

So because babe tell you no na him you dey para like fish since?

AKEEM

Anyway I know what to do. I have a plan.

PA NOJIMU

This girl must be really enticing to have you all in knots.

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AKEEM

Pa Nojimu, when you see this babe you go bow. If you use all the adjectives in the dictionary to describe her you wouldn’t be near what she truly is and as you all know I only go for the best.

DORIS

Akeem! What happened to the other girl you’re with?

AKEEM

Oh that one? My dear I have to upgrade so...

SYLVESTER

You know you’re not getting any younger.

AKEEM

Exactly, that’s why I am playing the field as wide as possible. (He chuckles along with Timi and Sunday)

SUNDAY

Bros Akeem the dream


AKEEM

That’s me.

Akeem comes in with a blazer and a gift surprising everybody.

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TIMI

Bros Akeem, wetin dey? This one that you suit up today something is about to shele?

Timi goes to him to collect the gift but Akeem refuses.

AKEEM [AGITATED]

Hey, hey, thank you. Just don’t touch my designer suit? You know how much I got it along with the gift?

DORIS

Oh you mean the designer that sells at bend down boutique?

SYLVESTER

Akeem! You really mean this girl O!

AKEEM

When I told you I had a plan you thought I was joking? You will see it when I bring her here.

DORIS

(Laughs)Akeem, you never seize to amaze me. You’re wearing a blazer in this hot sun because of a girl who rejected you?

AKEEM

She didn’t reject me. She just had a wrong impression of me which I am going to correct. Besides I will be taking her out on a date to the

Island tonight.(He dangles car keys before them)

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Timi and Sunday hail Akeem.

SUNDAY

Bros Akeem you too get swag jo!

SYLVESTER

Don’t tell me you borrowed a friend’s car for this date?

AKEEM

No, it’s my uncle’s car. I am taking it to the mechanic so I will use the opportunity to test drive it. (He giggles)

ELDER ZAACHEUS

You really believe that presenting a fake lifestyle before this Tinu girl will be worth it? How will you maintain it?

TIMI

Elder Zaacheus, nobody wants to hear the truth nowadays. All these girls want money and will bone you if you don’t have. But if a monkey flashes kishi before them they don’t mind strafing him on the spot.

DORIS [ANGRILY]

Timi, how can you talk like that? Do you think that it’s every girl that runs after money? There are some of us who still believe in true love.

TIMI

You see what I said about nobody wanting to hear the truth?

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SYLVESTER

By the way Akeem, will you be working in your blazer?


Dare is working at the bar when Mabel comes in preoccupied with her blackberry.

DARE

I wonder if you can ever survive without your blackberry.

MABEL

That can never happen. Me and my BB are inseparable.

DARE

That’s true, seeing that your brain is contained in that device. What is it that you girls do on that thing every day except to gossip?

MABEL

And you guys don’t gossip eh?

DARE

Well I wouldn’t put it that way. We men would rather discuss issues like business and politics.

MABEL

Yes while you and your mates are busy discussing business and politics, others are making good use of their time doing well in those ventures. Like my new guy George.

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DARE

Ah your latest maga!

MABEL

Excuse me; I will not have you talk of my man like that. George is a very brilliant guy I met on a dating site over the weekend. He is so brilliant, witty and intelligent. I just can’t wait to meet him.

DARE

The way you’re crooning about George I am sure that he has that most essential of qualifications.

MABEL

Of course he’s boxed up. He works in a multinational firm and schooled in the United States. By the way Dare do you have a private life, because it seems you’re practically married to the bar.

DARE

Of course I do. I am going out with a model.

MABEL

You Dare going out with a model?

DARE

Okay I met her online but she likes me. (Proudly) She can’t seem to have enough of me.

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MABEL

I wouldn’t blame her. She doesn’t know the poison that she’s playing with.

Dare shoots her an angry look.


Elder Zaacheus and Pa Nojimu are arguing with the younger barbers about the role of money in a relationship.

ELDER ZAACHEUS

I mean I don’t understand young people of this generation. Why does money have to play a major role in a relationship? This wasn’t the case during my time.

PA NAJIMU

Exactly! This is a dastardly act that has greatly undermined our human capacity to have true feelings for our fellow homo sapiens.

TIMI

But there is nothing we can do about it. Every girl wants to know your pocket before she even gets to know you.

PA NAJIMU

That’s balderdash. When I had the good luck to encounter my wife in my youth I had nothing. I had just commenced my teaching career and now we’re still together. But today’s youth want everything ready before they can even listen to a man.

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ELDER ZAACHEUS

No wonder there are so many single people around.

DORIS

Don’t forget the increasing number of men looking for rich ladies to marry.

PA NAJIMU

I wonder where we’re going in this country. We’re getting nearer and nearer the cliff and nobody seems to care.

SYLVESTER

The best we can do is just pray.


Akeem bounds in happily.

AKEEM [EXCITED]

Someone tell me I am too much.

SYLVESTER

Oh boy, it seems you scored big time last night.

AKEEM

You wan try? Once she saw my packaging and I entered her with my lyrics, She no get choice but to answer Akeem the dream.

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Timi and Sunday hail him.

SUNDAY

Bros did you em you know now?

AKEEM

Ah trust me sharp man. After all the fake swagger, she just melted straight away like butter in the sun.

Timi and Sunday hail Akeem. Doris is not impressed.

DORIS

You should be ashamed of yourself. Using young girls like a tool.

AKEEM

Excuse me? Do you know how much I invested in this venture? That is even a way to create a bond between us and make sure my venture is profitable.

DORIS

Look at how you’re talking about her as if she’s just an object.

SYLVESTER

Doris take am easy now.

DORIS

I am not taking it easy with the likes of Akeem who treat women like a trophy to be won.

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AKEEM

Oh stop it Doris. Why do you have to be so negative?

DORIS

I am not being negative. That’s who you are Akeem.

ELDER ZAACHEUS

She’s right you know. You’ve never being with a girl for up to three months.

AKEEM

Ah ah that’s not true.

DORIS

Then tell us about one. Just one.

AKEEM

It was a long time ago. There was a girl that I was with for a whole year.

SUNDAY

Then what happened?

AKEEM

She was transferred to another school when we finished primary one.

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DORIS

Ah Akeem!

AKEEM

Anyway I know that Tinu will last much longer than that. She’s beautiful, she’s smart and she’s intelligent.

DORIS

Will she make a good wife?

SYLVESTER

Doris, take am easy. You wan kill am? He just met the girl now. You’ve been reading too many romance novels.


The Barbers are relaxing when Dare comes in.

AKEEM [MOCKING]

Hmmph! His royal highness is here again. How can we serve you sir?

DARE

You don’t have to expose your bad breeding. I am here t deliver a message from Chairman. He will like to see you and Sylvester in his office when he comes back from his outing this afternoon.

Akeem and Sylvester look worried.

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SYLVESTER

Did he say what he wants to see us for?

DARE

That’s none of my damned business (beat) though I hope it’s what I have always imagined.(He smiles)

AKEEM

Don’t stress yourself Dare. If anybody is going to be leaving here first it will be you. I am sure nobody will miss you when you’re gone.

DARE

Ha! You don’t know who I am.

SYLVESTER

We all know that empty barrels make the most noise.

Dare looks angry but he receives an SMS message on his phone. He reads it and a smile spreads on his face.

AKEEM

I wonder what’s making you smile.

DARE

It’s the number one woman in my life.

TIMI

Your mother?

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Everybody laughs. Dare doesn’t like the joke and shows a girls picture from his phone.

DARE

Do any of you have a girl half as beautiful as my Tina? She’s a model you know. And I am the one pulling her. She’s the one who just sent me the message.

AKEEM

Hmm nice. Which website did you download this from?

DARE

Are you saying that I can’t move a girl like this?

SYLVESTER

You said it not us.

DORIS

Word of advice Dare. Do you always go around flashing pictures of your girl, because that is so rass for a guy like you?

The barbers mockinginly react to Dare’s dissing.

DARE

You know I don’t have to stand here and listen to this rubbish from people like you.

SYLVESTER

So what’re you waiting for? That’s the way out.

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Dare walks out majestically while the barbers laugh.

TIMI

I never see fool like this guy before.


Timi and Sunday are alone in the barbing salon when a girl comes in.

Timi is excited.

TIMI

Hi Sandra

SANDRA

Hi Timi. (Sandra and Timi embrace)

TIMI

So how is my darling doing? How’s school?

SANDRA

Everything is fine.

Sunday clears his throat.

TIMI

Oh sorry meet…

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Sunday steps forward eagerly to shake her hand.

SUNDAY

Sunday. I am very happy to meet you. Timi has talked a lot about you.

I...

TIMI

What about that cream you’re supposed to get?

SUNDAY

Ah the cream. Thank you for reminding me. (To Sandra) It’s been nice meeting you. We will see later. (He goes out)

TIMI

Take your time. So how’s my sweetheart doing? (He makes to kiss her but Sandra avoids him) What’s the matter?

SANDRA

Don’t you know this is a public place? Anybody can walk in on us.

TIMI

Okay! But I just wanted to show how much I love you.

SANDRA

There will be other days. By the way I need a favor from you.

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TIMI

Anything darling. Just ask me.

SANDRA

I need ten thousand to buy a couple of textbooks for my course. My lecturer has made them compulsory.

TIMI [SURPRISED]

Ah ah what kind of text books are those?

SANDRA

So you don’t have the money.

TIMI

I do! I do!! It’s just that I have only five thousand on me. I will give you the other five when next you come.

SANDRA

Okay let me manage it.

Timi gives her the money. As Sandra is counting the money Timi puts his hand on her but Sandra refuses.

SANDRA

What is that?

TIMI

Baby please now just a kiss. You know I love you so much.

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SANDRA

Look dear we don’t have to rush anything now. There’s still time for us to be intimate.

TIMI

And what’s wrong with now?

SANDRA

(Checks time)Oh my God I have to rush back to class.

TIMI

But you just came now.

SANDRA

(Touches him tenderly)I know. I am sorry but I have a extra mural class to go. You know my exams are coming up soon.

TIMI

Alright it’s been nice having you.

Sandra bids him bye and is turning to go when Timi suddenly pulls her back. In the process Sandra’s hair falls down and she is revealed to be a man. Timi is shocked. Sandra uses the opportunity to push Timi away and bolts out of the shop with Timi chasing him shouting Ole!

Ole!!


Everybody laughs at how Timi was taken for a ride by the fake Sandra.

Sunday had told the story to the others.

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AKEEM

Timi! Timi!! Mr bebe scout.

SUNDAY

You don become gay eh? Abeg no come near me O!

TIMI

How would I know that he was a man? He spoke and dressed like a man.

PA NAJIMU

Is it not you Timi? Always antsy when he sees a woman.

ELDER ZAACHEUS

That is what happens when you don’t observe carefully before execution. A case of jumping the gun.

A shout from outside grabs everybody’s attention. Doris comes in praying loudly and speaking in tongues holding a bottle of water. She sprinkles some water in different points of the salon praying loudly for a husband and coming against any demon stopping her from getting married. Everybody is worried but Sylvester breaks the duck by asking her a question. Doris stops her prayers.

SYLVESTER

Doris, what are you doing? Is anything wrong with you?

DORIS

I am securing my future. I have vowed that this year come what may I must meet my husband and this is one way I will get it.

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PA NAJIMU

By disturbing everybody’s peace like a mad woman?

DORIS

I met a prophet who told me that somebody I know is blocking my attempts at getting married and gave me this anointed water to sprinkle at my home and workplace.

ELDER ZAACHEUS

Did he collect any money from you?

DORIS

Yes. I gave him ten thousand for consultation.

TIMI

Is he dark and has a beard and did you meet him on the way home?

DORIS

Yes.

SUNDAY

Ah sister Doris you don enter one chance. That guy is a notorious fraudstar who operates near the bus park. He goes around duping people out of their money.

DORIS

He’s a dupe. But he knew everything about me.

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ELDER ZAACHEUS

Na today! He must have been following you around the place to get your details.

DORIS [ANXIOUS]

So that means...

Doris bursts into tears and runs out of the shop distraught.

AKEEM

You’re still a bonafide member of the senior singles club.

SYLVESTER

Akeem can’t you ever mind your words?

AKEEM

But I just told her the truth. It’s not my fault that she finds it bitter.

PA NAJIMU

Well you better go and fix what you’ve just broken.

AKEEM[COMPLAINING]

Why am I the one always singled out?

Akeem goes out.

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SUNDAY

Every girl wants to get married by force.

PA NAJIMU

But she doesn’t have to be desperate about it. One thing I have found out in life is that when you want something but you’re not desperate about it, that thing will come to you eventually. But everybody wants to be like the other person not knowing that people’s circumstances are different.


Mabel is excitedly reading a poem on her phone when Dare comes around.

MABEL

Oh this is so sweet.

DARE

I hope George is very rich because the way you’ve been obsessed about this guy can be so sickening.

MABEL

Oh stop being a spoil sport Dare. My sweet heart just composed the most romantic poem for me. Listen; you’ re beautiful... baby that’s all I can say ,the way you take my breath away makes me high as if I am in a fresh alley, the way you’ re looking straight my way... I see infinity all the way.(Emotional) That’s so romantic.

DARE

So this is why you’re behaving like a day old baby. A poem that someone took from the net.

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MABEL

How can you be so mean? Why can’t you just appreciate something good for once in your life?

DARE

If it was original fine! But I know that George lifted this poem from a website about poems.

MABEL

And how do you know that?

DARE

Because I sent one like that to my model girlfriend Tina.

MABEL

Hmm true confession! So you prowl looking for poems to copy and send to girls? Shame on you.

DARE

The main thing is that my Tina likes it.

MABEL

You and this your Tina sef! I wonder what she saw in you to like you.

DARE [COCKILY]

Oh a lot. Confidence, bravery, steadfastness...

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MABEL

And a cocky bar manager who is broker than a rat. Oh sorry that’s an insult...on rats.

DARE

Oh you will see. Tina will be coming here tomorrow. She’s so beautiful that if the two of you stand together people will think that you’re her maid.

Mabel faces Dare.

MABEL

Is that so? My George will be here to see moi tomorrow too. He’s two times the man that you will ever be.

DARE

Fine let tomorrow come then.

MABEL

Fine we will see.


Akeem comes into the salon with a girl Tinu.

AKEEM

Hey everybody, I want you to meet my queen, my sweetheart, my diamond, my precious Tinu.

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TINU

(Embarrassed)Hello everybody, you didn’t have to do all that.

AKEEM

See you. I even had to summarize that one. If I really start we wouldn’t finish today

TINU

Ha! Akeem

SYLVESTER

It’s nice meeting you Tinu. Akeem always talks about you every minute.

PA NAJIMU

(Comes over)I now see why Akeem was going bonkers over you. Your luminescence envelopes this enclave and threatens to overwhelm us all as we bask in your evanescence.

TINU

Thank you sir. (Whispers to Akeem) What did he say?

AKEEM

Don’t worry. He just said hello to you.

TINU

Oh!

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Siro comes in angrily and is shocked at the sight he beholds.

SIRO

So it’s true.

AKEEM

Ah Siro I see you’ve heard about my new girl.

SIRO

Your girl?! You must be mad. That’s my woman you’re holding there.


AKEEM [ANNOYED]

Eh Siro if na joke stop am. Wetin be that one now? How can you come here and start saying that my own girl is your wife. Guy respect yourself O!

SIRO

I am telling you that Tinu is my wife. Why don’t you ask her?

AKEEM

(Looks at Tinu)Do you know anything about this? (Beat)Answer me now, are you going out with Siro here.

TINU

Please it’s the devil. I didn’t want to...

AKEEM [SURPRISED]

300

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Jesus! So it’s true.

TIMI

Ha another drama in yankee barbers.

AKEEM

So you’ve been cheating on both of us. Here I am trying to give you a good time and this is what I get.

TIMI

I am sorry. I just needed a second man since all my friends had more than one guy.

ELDER ZAACHEUS

What a man can do a woman can do even better.


Dare is waiting at the bar with a red rose when Mabel comes in.

MABEL

What’re you doing? You’re not the type I will associate with feelings not to talk of a red rose.

DARE

My sweetheart Tina is coming over today to see me and she told me to hold a red rose so that she can recognize me.

301

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MABEL

Wait ,wait, wait. Something is wrong here. Tina told you that?

DARE

Yes or are you doubting that a girl can talk to me?

TINA

I told George to show up here with a red rose.

DARE

First the poem and now this. This coincidence is rather becoming too commonplace.

MABEL

Do you have Tina’s picture here.

Dare affirms and shows Mabel his girlfriend’s picture. Mabel is taken aback.

MABEL

This is the picture I pasted on my profile in a dating site. This only means that you must be George. My Good lord!

The two groan about their mismatch.

DARE

God! Can you imagine? All that money and effort for nothing!

302

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EPISODE 19

TRUE LOVER


Pa Najimu is complaining about the obsession with money that today’s youth have. Akeem is not around.

PA NAJIMU

This situation is so preposterous. Everybody is only concerned about the pecuniary gains that they can get and not the service that they are to execute.

ELDER ZAACHEUS

Exactly! That’s why a lot of shoddy jobs are being done all over the place. I wonder how we got here as a country. It wasn’t like this during our time.

TIMI

It’s the government’s fault. When they will not give the youths jobs how do they expect us to survive?

ELDER ZAACHEUS

Why do you always keep blaming the government? Does the government regulate how we behave; after all there are still some people who are excellent at their endeavors?

PA NAJIMU

Zaacheus, the government is to blame for this situation after all as leaders they are supposed to act as role models but what do we see?

They are worse extortionist themselves bleeding everybody dry and they don’t even give a hoot.

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Akeem enters the salon.

SYLVESTER

Akeem you’re late. What happened?

AKEEM

Sly, it’s a long story.

DORIS

No problem. Just start from the top.

AKEEM

It’s one Tinu girl who feels that she’s got too much swagger. But one thing I know is that the girl who will turn down Akeem the dream has not yet being born.

DORIS

So because babe tell you no na him you dey para like fish since?

AKEEM

Anyway I know what to do. I have a plan.

PA NOJIMU

This girl must be really enticing to have you all in knots.

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AKEEM

Pa Nojimu, when you see this babe you go bow. If you use all the adjectives in the dictionary to describe her you wouldn’t be near what she truly is and as you all know I only go for the best.

DORIS

Akeem! What happened to the other girl you’re with?

AKEEM

Oh that one? My dear I have to upgrade so...

SYLVESTER

You know you’re not getting any younger.

AKEEM

Exactly, that’s why I am playing the field as wide as possible. (He chuckles along with Timi and Sunday)

SUNDAY

Bros Akeem the dream


AKEEM

That’s me.

Akeem comes in with a blazer and a gift surprising everybody.

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TIMI

Bros Akeem, wetin dey? This one that you suit up today something is about to shele?

Timi goes to him to collect the gift but Akeem refuses.

AKEEM [AGITATED]

Hey, hey, thank you. Just don’t touch my designer suit? You know how much I got it along with the gift?

DORIS

Oh you mean the designer that sells at bend down boutique?

SYLVESTER

Akeem! You really mean this girl O!

AKEEM

When I told you I had a plan you thought I was joking? You will see it when I bring her here.

DORIS

(Laughs)Akeem, you never seize to amaze me. You’re wearing a blazer in this hot sun because of a girl who rejected you?

AKEEM

She didn’t reject me. She just had a wrong impression of me which I am going to correct. Besides I will be taking her out on a date to the

Island tonight.(He dangles car keys before them)

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Timi and Sunday hail Akeem.

SUNDAY

Bros Akeem you too get swag jo!

SYLVESTER

Don’t tell me you borrowed a friend’s car for this date?

AKEEM

No, it’s my uncle’s car. I am taking it to the mechanic so I will use the opportunity to test drive it. (He giggles)

ELDER ZAACHEUS

You really believe that presenting a fake lifestyle before this Tinu girl will be worth it? How will you maintain it?

TIMI

Elder Zaacheus, nobody wants to hear the truth nowadays. All these girls want money and will bone you if you don’t have. But if a monkey flashes kishi before them they don’t mind strafing him on the spot.

DORIS [ANGRILY]

Timi, how can you talk like that? Do you think that it’s every girl that runs after money? There are some of us who still believe in true love.

TIMI

You see what I said about nobody wanting to hear the truth?

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SYLVESTER

By the way Akeem, will you be working in your blazer?


Dare is working at the bar when Mabel comes in preoccupied with her blackberry.

DARE

I wonder if you can ever survive without your blackberry.

MABEL

That can never happen. Me and my BB are inseparable.

DARE

That’s true, seeing that your brain is contained in that device. What is it that you girls do on that thing every day except to gossip?

MABEL

And you guys don’t gossip eh?

DARE

Well I wouldn’t put it that way. We men would rather discuss issues like business and politics.

MABEL

Yes while you and your mates are busy discussing business and politics, others are making good use of their time doing well in those ventures. Like my new guy George.

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DARE

Ah your latest maga!

MABEL

Excuse me; I will not have you talk of my man like that. George is a very brilliant guy I met on a dating site over the weekend. He is so brilliant, witty and intelligent. I just can’t wait to meet him.

DARE

The way you’re crooning about George I am sure that he has that most essential of qualifications.

MABEL

Of course he’s boxed up. He works in a multinational firm and schooled in the United States. By the way Dare do you have a private life, because it seems you’re practically married to the bar.

DARE

Of course I do. I am going out with a model.

MABEL

You Dare going out with a model?

DARE

Okay I met her online but she likes me. (Proudly) She can’t seem to have enough of me.

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MABEL

I wouldn’t blame her. She doesn’t know the poison that she’s playing with.

Dare shoots her an angry look.


Elder Zaacheus and Pa Nojimu are arguing with the younger barbers about the role of money in a relationship.

ELDER ZAACHEUS

I mean I don’t understand young people of this generation. Why does money have to play a major role in a relationship? This wasn’t the case during my time.

PA NAJIMU

Exactly! This is a dastardly act that has greatly undermined our human capacity to have true feelings for our fellow homo sapiens.

TIMI

But there is nothing we can do about it. Every girl wants to know your pocket before she even gets to know you.

PA NAJIMU

That’s balderdash. When I had the good luck to encounter my wife in my youth I had nothing. I had just commenced my teaching career and now we’re still together. But today’s youth want everything ready before they can even listen to a man.

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ELDER ZAACHEUS

No wonder there are so many single people around.

DORIS

Don’t forget the increasing number of men looking for rich ladies to marry.

PA NAJIMU

I wonder where we’re going in this country. We’re getting nearer and nearer the cliff and nobody seems to care.

SYLVESTER

The best we can do is just pray.


Akeem bounds in happily.

AKEEM [EXCITED]

Someone tell me I am too much.

SYLVESTER

Oh boy, it seems you scored big time last night.

AKEEM

You wan try? Once she saw my packaging and I entered her with my lyrics, She no get choice but to answer Akeem the dream.

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Timi and Sunday hail him.

SUNDAY

Bros did you em you know now?

AKEEM

Ah trust me sharp man. After all the fake swagger, she just melted straight away like butter in the sun.

Timi and Sunday hail Akeem. Doris is not impressed.

DORIS

You should be ashamed of yourself. Using young girls like a tool.

AKEEM

Excuse me? Do you know how much I invested in this venture? That is even a way to create a bond between us and make sure my venture is profitable.

DORIS

Look at how you’re talking about her as if she’s just an object.

SYLVESTER

Doris take am easy now.

DORIS

I am not taking it easy with the likes of Akeem who treat women like a trophy to be won.

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AKEEM

Oh stop it Doris. Why do you have to be so negative?

DORIS

I am not being negative. That’s who you are Akeem.

ELDER ZAACHEUS

She’s right you know. You’ve never being with a girl for up to three months.

AKEEM

Ah ah that’s not true.

DORIS

Then tell us about one. Just one.

AKEEM

It was a long time ago. There was a girl that I was with for a whole year.

SUNDAY

Then what happened?

AKEEM

She was transferred to another school when we finished primary one.

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DORIS

Ah Akeem!

AKEEM

Anyway I know that Tinu will last much longer than that. She’s beautiful, she’s smart and she’s intelligent.

DORIS

Will she make a good wife?

SYLVESTER

Doris, take am easy. You wan kill am? He just met the girl now. You’ve been reading too many romance novels.


The Barbers are relaxing when Dare comes in.

AKEEM [MOCKING]

Hmmph! His royal highness is here again. How can we serve you sir?

DARE

You don’t have to expose your bad breeding. I am here t deliver a message from Chairman. He will like to see you and Sylvester in his office when he comes back from his outing this afternoon.

Akeem and Sylvester look worried.

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SYLVESTER

Did he say what he wants to see us for?

DARE

That’s none of my damned business (beat) though I hope it’s what I have always imagined.(He smiles)

AKEEM

Don’t stress yourself Dare. If anybody is going to be leaving here first it will be you. I am sure nobody will miss you when you’re gone.

DARE

Ha! You don’t know who I am.

SYLVESTER

We all know that empty barrels make the most noise.

Dare looks angry but he receives an SMS message on his phone. He reads it and a smile spreads on his face.

AKEEM

I wonder what’s making you smile.

DARE

It’s the number one woman in my life.

TIMI

Your mother?

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Everybody laughs. Dare doesn’t like the joke and shows a girls picture from his phone.

DARE

Do any of you have a girl half as beautiful as my Tina? She’s a model you know. And I am the one pulling her. She’s the one who just sent me the message.

AKEEM

Hmm nice. Which website did you download this from?

DARE

Are you saying that I can’t move a girl like this?

SYLVESTER

You said it not us.

DORIS

Word of advice Dare. Do you always go around flashing pictures of your girl, because that is so rass for a guy like you?

The barbers mockinginly react to Dare’s dissing.

DARE

You know I don’t have to stand here and listen to this rubbish from people like you.

SYLVESTER

So what’re you waiting for? That’s the way out.

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Dare walks out majestically while the barbers laugh.

TIMI

I never see fool like this guy before.


Timi and Sunday are alone in the barbing salon when a girl comes in.

Timi is excited.

TIMI

Hi Sandra

SANDRA

Hi Timi. (Sandra and Timi embrace)

TIMI

So how is my darling doing? How’s school?

SANDRA

Everything is fine.

Sunday clears his throat.

TIMI

Oh sorry meet…

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Sunday steps forward eagerly to shake her hand.

SUNDAY

Sunday. I am very happy to meet you. Timi has talked a lot about you.

I...

TIMI

What about that cream you’re supposed to get?

SUNDAY

Ah the cream. Thank you for reminding me. (To Sandra) It’s been nice meeting you. We will see later. (He goes out)

TIMI

Take your time. So how’s my sweetheart doing? (He makes to kiss her but Sandra avoids him) What’s the matter?

SANDRA

Don’t you know this is a public place? Anybody can walk in on us.

TIMI

Okay! But I just wanted to show how much I love you.

SANDRA

There will be other days. By the way I need a favor from you.

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TIMI

Anything darling. Just ask me.

SANDRA

I need ten thousand to buy a couple of textbooks for my course. My lecturer has made them compulsory.

TIMI [SURPRISED]

Ah ah what kind of text books are those?

SANDRA

So you don’t have the money.

TIMI

I do! I do!! It’s just that I have only five thousand on me. I will give you the other five when next you come.

SANDRA

Okay let me manage it.

Timi gives her the money. As Sandra is counting the money Timi puts his hand on her but Sandra refuses.

SANDRA

What is that?

TIMI

Baby please now just a kiss. You know I love you so much.

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SANDRA

Look dear we don’t have to rush anything now. There’s still time for us to be intimate.

TIMI

And what’s wrong with now?

SANDRA

(Checks time)Oh my God I have to rush back to class.

TIMI

But you just came now.

SANDRA

(Touches him tenderly)I know. I am sorry but I have a extra mural class to go. You know my exams are coming up soon.

TIMI

Alright it’s been nice having you.

Sandra bids him bye and is turning to go when Timi suddenly pulls her back. In the process Sandra’s hair falls down and she is revealed to be a man. Timi is shocked. Sandra uses the opportunity to push Timi away and bolts out of the shop with Timi chasing him shouting Ole!

Ole!!


Everybody laughs at how Timi was taken for a ride by the fake Sandra.

Sunday had told the story to the others.

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AKEEM

Timi! Timi!! Mr bebe scout.

SUNDAY

You don become gay eh? Abeg no come near me O!

TIMI

How would I know that he was a man? He spoke and dressed like a man.

PA NAJIMU

Is it not you Timi? Always antsy when he sees a woman.

ELDER ZAACHEUS

That is what happens when you don’t observe carefully before execution. A case of jumping the gun.

A shout from outside grabs everybody’s attention. Doris comes in praying loudly and speaking in tongues holding a bottle of water. She sprinkles some water in different points of the salon praying loudly for a husband and coming against any demon stopping her from getting married. Everybody is worried but Sylvester breaks the duck by asking her a question. Doris stops her prayers.

SYLVESTER

Doris, what are you doing? Is anything wrong with you?

DORIS

I am securing my future. I have vowed that this year come what may I must meet my husband and this is one way I will get it.

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PA NAJIMU

By disturbing everybody’s peace like a mad woman?

DORIS

I met a prophet who told me that somebody I know is blocking my attempts at getting married and gave me this anointed water to sprinkle at my home and workplace.

ELDER ZAACHEUS

Did he collect any money from you?

DORIS

Yes. I gave him ten thousand for consultation.

TIMI

Is he dark and has a beard and did you meet him on the way home?

DORIS

Yes.

SUNDAY

Ah sister Doris you don enter one chance. That guy is a notorious fraudstar who operates near the bus park. He goes around duping people out of their money.

DORIS

He’s a dupe. But he knew everything about me.

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ELDER ZAACHEUS

Na today! He must have been following you around the place to get your details.

DORIS [ANXIOUS]

So that means...

Doris bursts into tears and runs out of the shop distraught.

AKEEM

You’re still a bonafide member of the senior singles club.

SYLVESTER

Akeem can’t you ever mind your words?

AKEEM

But I just told her the truth. It’s not my fault that she finds it bitter.

PA NAJIMU

Well you better go and fix what you’ve just broken.

AKEEM[COMPLAINING]

Why am I the one always singled out?

Akeem goes out.

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SUNDAY

Every girl wants to get married by force.

PA NAJIMU

But she doesn’t have to be desperate about it. One thing I have found out in life is that when you want something but you’re not desperate about it, that thing will come to you eventually. But everybody wants to be like the other person not knowing that people’s circumstances are different.


Mabel is excitedly reading a poem on her phone when Dare comes around.

MABEL

Oh this is so sweet.

DARE

I hope George is very rich because the way you’ve been obsessed about this guy can be so sickening.

MABEL

Oh stop being a spoil sport Dare. My sweet heart just composed the most romantic poem for me. Listen; you’ re beautiful... baby that’s all I can say ,the way you take my breath away makes me high as if I am in a fresh alley, the way you’ re looking straight my way... I see infinity all the way.(Emotional) That’s so romantic.

DARE

So this is why you’re behaving like a day old baby. A poem that someone took from the net.

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MABEL

How can you be so mean? Why can’t you just appreciate something good for once in your life?

DARE

If it was original fine! But I know that George lifted this poem from a website about poems.

MABEL

And how do you know that?

DARE

Because I sent one like that to my model girlfriend Tina.

MABEL

Hmm true confession! So you prowl looking for poems to copy and send to girls? Shame on you.

DARE

The main thing is that my Tina likes it.

MABEL

You and this your Tina sef! I wonder what she saw in you to like you.

DARE [COCKILY]

Oh a lot. Confidence, bravery, steadfastness...

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MABEL

And a cocky bar manager who is broker than a rat. Oh sorry that’s an insult...on rats.

DARE

Oh you will see. Tina will be coming here tomorrow. She’s so beautiful that if the two of you stand together people will think that you’re her maid.

Mabel faces Dare.

MABEL

Is that so? My George will be here to see moi tomorrow too. He’s two times the man that you will ever be.

DARE

Fine let tomorrow come then.

MABEL

Fine we will see.


Akeem comes into the salon with a girl Tinu.

AKEEM

Hey everybody, I want you to meet my queen, my sweetheart, my diamond, my precious Tinu.

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TINU

(Embarrassed)Hello everybody, you didn’t have to do all that.

AKEEM

See you. I even had to summarize that one. If I really start we wouldn’t finish today

TINU

Ha! Akeem

SYLVESTER

It’s nice meeting you Tinu. Akeem always talks about you every minute.

PA NAJIMU

(Comes over)I now see why Akeem was going bonkers over you. Your luminescence envelopes this enclave and threatens to overwhelm us all as we bask in your evanescence.

TINU

Thank you sir. (Whispers to Akeem) What did he say?

AKEEM

Don’t worry. He just said hello to you.

TINU

Oh!

Siro comes in angrily and is shocked at the sight he beholds.

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SIRO

So it’s true.

AKEEM

Ah Siro I see you’ve heard about my new girl.

SIRO

Your girl?! You must be mad. That’s my woman you’re holding there.


AKEEM [ANNOYED]

Eh Siro if na joke stop am. Wetin be that one now? How can you come here and start saying that my own girl is your wife. Guy respect yourself O!

SIRO

I am telling you that Tinu is my wife. Why don’t you ask her?

AKEEM

(Looks at Tinu)Do you know anything about this? (Beat)Answer me now, are you going out with Siro here.

TINU

Please it’s the devil. I didn’t want to...

AKEEM [SURPRISED]

Jesus! So it’s true.

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TIMI

Ha another drama in yankee barbers.

AKEEM

So you’ve been cheating on both of us. Here I am trying to give you a good time and this is what I get.

TIMI

I am sorry. I just needed a second man since all my friends had more than one guy.

ELDER ZAACHEUS

What a man can do a woman can do even better.


Dare is waiting at the bar with a red rose when Mabel comes in.

MABEL

What’re you doing? You’re not the type I will associate with feelings not to talk of a red rose.

DARE

My sweetheart Tina is coming over today to see me and she told me to hold a red rose so that she can recognize me.

MABEL

Wait ,wait, wait. Something is wrong here. Tina told you that?

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DARE

Yes or are you doubting that a girl can talk to me?

TINA

I told George to show up here with a red rose.

DARE

First the poem and now this. This coincidence is rather becoming too commonplace.

MABEL

Do you have Tina’s picture here.

Dare affirms and shows Mabel his girlfriend’s picture. Mabel is taken aback.

MABEL

This is the picture I pasted on my profile in a dating site. This only means that you must be George. My Good lord!

The two groan about their mismatch.

DARE

God! Can you imagine? All that money and effort for nothing!

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