Business Writing Workshop
Frank Hurley and Donna Kain
Donna Kain
Strategies and Tips
What is style?
Why does it matter?
What considerations does style include?
Donna Kain
Strategies and Tips
Writing with powerful, effective sentences:
 Project a “you” attitude (“you” is the reader)
 Recognize and eliminate wordiness and jargon
 Detangle nominalizations
 Fix vague references to sharpen meaning
 Choose the right words and delete the fluff
Donna Kain
Strategies and Tips
Writing free of errors that interfere with
reader comprehension:
 Use punctuation correctly to avoid confusion.
 Choose the right word from confusing pairs such
as discretely/discreetly and affect/effect.
Donna Kain
Strategies and Tips
Remember the 4 “Cs”
Be Considerate, Clear, Concise,
and Correct.
Donna Kain
Adopt a "you attitude."
Emphasize what readers want or need to know
and from their perspective. (Audience!!)
Draft: I have requested that your order be sent
out today.
Revision: You will receive your order by
Wednesday. (or Your order will ship today.)
Donna Kain
Focus on the real subject.
Don't hiding key words or phrases behind a
weak subject.
Draft: The implementation of the new marketing
campaign will begin on June 1.
Revision: The new marketing campaign will
begin on June 1.
Donna Kain
Avoid using noun forms of verbs
(nominalizations).
Draft: The presentation of the arguments by the
plant manager was convincing.
Revision: The plant manager presented her
arguments convincingly.
Or . . .The plant manager argued convincingly.
Donna Kain
A “nominalization” (a verb turned into a
noun) is weak subject.
Draft: The implementation of the new
marketing campaign will begin on June 1.
Revision: The new marketing campaign will
begin on June 1.
Donna Kain
Avoid empty or vague openings
(“There is/are…” “It is…”)
Wordy: There was a flaw in the fabrication of the widget
that was causing a problem with the gizmos.
Revised: A flaw in the widget fabrication caused a
problem with the gizmos.
Wordy: There are two shipments that are due in today.
Revised: Two shipments are due today.
Donna Kain
Use strong verbs and eliminate “to be” (is,
are, was, were) whenever possible.
Wordy: There was a flaw in the fabrication of the widget
that was causing a problem with the gizmos.
Revised: A flaw in the widget fabrication caused a
problem with the gizmos.
Wordy: There are two shipments that are due in today.
Revised: Two shipments are due today.
Donna Kain
Eliminate other vague words.
 Replace vague pronoun references—“this,” “that,”
“it,” “those,” “these” with more concrete words
and/or phrases to which pronouns actually refer.
 Other vague references—“things,” “something,”
“stuff,” “certain actions”
 Negative constructions—sentences that include
“not” more difficult for people to read and they
often miss the word “not.”
Donna Kain
Draft: We are not going to put the new products
on the line until the end of the month.
Revision: We will put the new products on the
line at the end of the month.
Draft: There is something wrong with the invoice.
Revision: The invoice is incorrect.
Donna Kain
Draft: I sent Fred the spreadsheet for corrections
yesterday and copied Bill so he could provide
additional instructions. He said this was all he
needed.
Revision: I sent Fred the spreadsheet for
corrections yesterday and copied Bill so he could
provide additional instructions. Bill said the
spreadsheet was all Fred needed.
Donna Kain
Write actively, not passively.
Wherever possible, put your subject up front
and make it do something. The active voice
generally works better than the passive
because it's more direct, more concise, and
easier to understand.
(But not always.)
Donna Kain
Write actively, not passively.
Draft: The proposal was reviewed at our meeting on
April 1, and it was immediately submitted to the
developers.
(Who reviewed and submitted the proposal?)
Revision: We reviewed the proposal on April 1 and
immediately submitted it to the developers.
Donna Kain
Write actively, not passively.
Draft: It was reported by the testing staff that the new
model is defective.
Revision: The testing staff reported that the new model
is defective.
Donna Kain
Cut unnecessary words and phrases
that may distract readers.
Draft: I am writing this note to thank you very much
for organizing the open house that was held last
Thursday.
Revision: Thank you very much for organizing last
Thursday's open house.
Donna Kain
Cut common redundancies
Absolutely essential
Each and every or each and every
Basic necessities
plan in advance
Completely eliminate
“when and if…”
Which one?
Final outcome
Donna Kain
Cut common redundancies
past experience
same exact or same exact
present time
still remains
ultimate goal
whether or not
Donna Kain
Cut common empty phrases
as a matter of fact
in the event of
in the final analysis
at the present time
what I want to make clear
for the purposes of
Donna Kain
And the most frequent….
due to the fact that
in order to
Donna Kain
…can be reduced to one word.
Because
To
(Due to the fact that)
(In order to)
Donna Kain
Due to the fact that Death could not
stop for me, in order to be kind, I
stopped for him.
Because I could not stop for Death,
he kindly stopped for me. *
*Emily Dickensen
Donna Kain
In order to be, or not to be, that is the
question.
To be or not to be,
that is the question.*
*William Shakespeare
Donna Kain
But seriously, cut common empty
phrases.
Draft: In order to ensure compliance with regulations,
there will be a new exit sign installed.
Revision: To comply with regulations, we will install a
new exit sign.
Donna Kain
Draft: Due to the need for extra security, a metal
detector was installed in the warehouse.
Revision: We installed a metal detector in the
warehouse for extra security.
Or:
We installed a metal detector in the
warehouse because we need extra security.
Donna Kain
Look for prepositions (the “little”
words) to locate wordiness
Wordy: She is of service to her community.
Revised: She serves her community.
Wordy: We will end the presentation with comments
from Mr. Davies.
Revised: Mr. Davies' comments will end the
presentation.
Donna Kain
Don't leave out key words.
To be clear as well as concise, we sometimes
need to add a word or two.
Draft: The storage shed is the first step.
Revision: Unlocking the storage shed is the first step.
Donna Kain
Don't leave out key words.
We don’t write like we talk OR like we text.
Draft: Pls check Craigavon June invoices & send Fred
info prior next tues. Call when U R thru
Revision: Please check the Craigavon June invoices for
the bank charges and send Fred the information before
next Tuesday, 8/21/2012. Call me when you’re finished.
Donna Kain
Avoid outdated expressions and
buzzwords.
Donna Kain
Avoid outdated expressions,
particularly words and phrases that are never used in
conversation (except by lawyers)
Enclosed (or attached) please find….
Attached herewith…
This is to advise you
As per your request
Please do not use the
word “utilize.” Use
the word “use.”
Donna Kain
Avoid outdated expressions.
Draft: Attached herein for your reference is a
duplicated version of the aforementioned invoice.
Revision: I have included (attached) a copy of the
invoice.
Donna Kain
Go easy on the buzzwords/phrases.
“thinking outside the box”
“value-added”
“paradigm shift”
“go to the next level.”
“synergies”
Donna Kain
Avoid “stacking” Modifiers
Wordy: We are a forward-looking future-oriented group
with a very significant stake in the decisions and choices
that the company makes.
Revised: Our group has a significant stake in the
company’s decisions about the future.
Donna Kain
Remember what your mother said…
Include "please" and "thank you” in your emails.
Draft: Send me the jargon
report before you head home.
Revision: Please send me
the jargon report before you
head home.
Donna Kain
The Writer’s Diet—Test your Text (For fun)
http://www.writersdiet.com/WT.php
Report on the “flab”
Don’t forget the 4 Cs!!
(see if you can remember them now)
Donna Kain