Revision Activity
Below are two sample paragraphs from our papers. The first sample offers a good example
of analysis, and the second sample offers a good example of working toward a larger
argument. At the same time, both samples could benefit from small revisions at the
sentence level. The second sample has a few instances of comma splices, commas that
connect two sentences in a way that doesn’t entirely work. We can find out more about
comma splices and sentence construction here:
https://owl.english.purdue.edu/engagement/2/1/34/
https://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/598/01/
The first sample – at one point, at least – could benefit from attention to what Martha Kolln
describes as sentence cohesion:
Sentence cohesion is the ties that connect each sentence to what has gone before-the glue that gives a paragraph unity. Part of that glue is provided by information in
the sentence that the reader already knows. This known, or given, information
generally fills the subject slot in a sentence; the new information--the real purpose
of the sentence--generally comes in the predicate. For example, consider how often
the subject slot of a sentence is filled by a pronoun; that pronoun, of course, stands
for an antecedent that is known to the reader, a previously mentioned noun or noun
phrase:
The president delivered his State of the Union message to a joint session of
Congress last night. He began by discussing the startling political changes
that had been taking place in Eastern Europe as the 1980s ended. This
diminishing of the Cold War has greatly affected both our economic and our
military policies.
The pronoun he ties the second sentence to the first; it puts the reader on familiar
ground. Now look at the third sentence. It too is connected to its predecessor, this
time not by a pronoun but by a new noun phrase in the subject position. But the
information is not new; it's a kind of restatement of the preceding direct object.
--Notice too that the writer has marked the subject as "known" by using the pronoun
this to signal the noun phrase. This is a way of telling the reader, "You’re on familiar
ground here." Again, the new information in this sentence is in the predicate.
Linguists have found this known-new sequence to be so pervasive a feature of prose
that it is sometimes referred to as the "known-new contract. " The writer has an
obligation, a contract of sorts, to fulfill expectations in the reader--to keep the
reader on familiar ground. The reader has every right to expect each sentence to be
connected in some way to what has gone before, to include a known element.
Sample 1
Ovechkin has one of the hardest shots in the NHL to stop, and a little help comes from the
technology in his hockey stick. Ovechkin only tapes half of the blade of his stick, starting
from the middle and taping to the toe (McFarland). Tape on the blade of the stick is
intended to increase the friction on the puck which makes handling the puck easier. With
no tape on half of the blade, this allows the puck to move faster on Ovechkin’s blade and
makes his shots come off quicker. This taping style is a technique that is fairly similar to
other older players who only taped certain parts of their blade to help them have a faster
shot. Ovechkin’s stick shaft is very flexible which allows him to also release a quick shot.
The flexibility of the stick helps him shoot the puck much faster and in return, helps him
score goals. With all the customizations and preferences hockey players can put into their
stick, this creativity by Ovechkin is specifically intended to benefit him to shoot a puck
quicker. These techniques are used by players who attempt to model their game after
Ovechkin and play similar to him.
Sample 2
Kurt used the hunches of Lead Belly and Mark Lanegan to create the unforgettable version
of Where Did You Sleep Last Night. Although this is true he also went against what Johnson
suggested for creativity and better ideas for the rest of the show. Kurt didn't listen to the
opinion of the producers about how the stage and setting should look, he decided how it
should look and it stuck out from the other unplugged sets and gave it a different feel. Kurt
didn't listen when the producers wanted to see more hits on the set list, he played the
songs he knew would make the show different from the other unplugged shows. By Kurt
rejecting these suggestions and the use of his imagination and innovation he created an
original MTV unplugged show.