Paragraph
Revision
Personal Essay
by: A. Nonny Muss
As I was saying in class, I grew up as a
child in Canada. Life was different. My dad
got a job and me and my parents’ moved. My
neighborhood is dangerous. The reason I
believe that crime is a problem in my
neighborhood is because people get hurt and
things get stolen, the cops don’t do nothing
about it. The fact of the matter is you can’t
trust those lazy cops. There all corrupt.
Crime in My Neighborhood
I grew up in a small town in
Alberta, a western province of
Canada. Two years ago, my father
got a job in the Midwest, so my
family moved to a suburb west of
Chicago. The neighborhood where I
live now, Suburbia, Illinois, is very
different from where I grew up. Here,
crimes occur more frequently. And
lately the crimes seem to be getting
more serious.
Crime (continued)
Some recent crimes have been annoying,
and others have been frightening. Property
crime has become more common. Gang
graffiti keeps appearing on buildings, walls,
fences, lamp posts, everywhere, despite the
efforts of home owners and the city’s clean-up
crew to get rid of it. One afternoon last spring,
I left my bicycle in our driveway for a few
minutes, and it was stolen. Neighbors have had
bicycles and other items damaged or stolen
too.
Crime (continued)
Local crimes have, in the past few
months, become even more serious.
Several houses on our block have been
burglarized. There was even a home
invasion nearby; though no one was hurt,
a young couple was held at gun point for
over an hour. And just yesterday, a man
who was walking to the train at seven in
the morning was jumped by several
teenagers, robbed, and badly beaten up.
He’s still in the hospital.
Crime (continued)
Over the past year, it seems as though
crime has increased in frequency and
severity, and the criminals have
become more daring and more
violent. Residents of Suburbia,
Illinois are asking the police why the
authorities are not doing more to stop
the criminals.
Editing
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Make paragraphs coherent and use transitions.
Sentences should lead the reader logically
from one idea to the next. Keep important
points at the beginning and the end.
Be sure sentences are complete. Save very
short sentences or fragments for emphasis.
Edit out wordiness: The reason is
because….The fact of the matter is….
Use spell check and grammar check but also
proofread. Look for lack of punctuation,
misused words, homonyms.
Don’t add punctuation, especially commas or