Chapter 7
Revising Business
Messages
Mary Ellen Guffey, Business Communication:
Process and Product, 5e
Copyright © 2006
Revising for Clarity,
Conciseness, and Readability
• Keep it simple.
• Keep it conversational.
• Remove opening fillers.
• Eliminate redundancies.
• Reduce compound prepositions.
• Purge empty words.
Mary Ellen Guffey, Business Communication: Process and Product, 5e
Ch. 7, Slide 2
Revising for Clarity,
Conciseness, and Readability
• Kick the noun habit.
• Dump trite “business” phrases.
• Develop parallelism (balanced
construction).
• Apply graphic highlighting.
• Measure readability.
Mary Ellen Guffey, Business Communication: Process and Product, 5e
Ch. 7, Slide 3
Keep it simple.
Avoid indirect, pompous language.
• Poor: It would not be inadvisable for
you to affix your signature at this point
in time.
• Improved: You may sign now.
Mary Ellen Guffey, Business Communication: Process and Product, 5e
Ch. 7, Slide 4
Keep it conversational.
• Formal: Our Accounting Department
takes this opportunity to inform you that
we have credited your account for the
aforementioned sum.
• Conversational: We have credited your
account for $100.
Mary Ellen Guffey, Business Communication: Process and Product, 5e
Ch. 7, Slide 5
Remove opening fillers.
• Wordy: There are four new menu items
we must promote.
• Improved: We must promote four new
menu items.
Mary Ellen Guffey, Business Communication: Process and Product, 5e
Ch. 7, Slide 6
Eliminate redundancies.
• collect together
• contributing factor
• personal opinion
• perfectly clear
Mary Ellen Guffey, Business Communication: Process and Product, 5e
Ch. 7, Slide 7
Reduce compound
prepositions.
•
•
•
•
at such time
at which time
due to the fact that
inasmuch as
Reduce to when.
Reduce to when.
Reduce to because.
Reduce to because.
Mary Ellen Guffey, Business Communication: Process and Product, 5e
Ch. 7, Slide 8
Purge empty words.
• As for the area of athletic shoes, the
degree of profits sagged.
• This is to inform you that we have a tollfree service line.
• Not all students who are registered will
attend.
Mary Ellen Guffey, Business Communication: Process and Product, 5e
Ch. 7, Slide 9
Purge empty words.
• As for the area of athletic shoes, the
degree of profits sagged.
• This is to inform you that we have a tollfree service line.
• Not all students who are [registered] will
attend.
Mary Ellen Guffey, Business Communication: Process and Product, 5e
Ch. 7, Slide 10
Purge empty words.
• As for athletic shoes, profits sagged.
• We have a toll-free service line.
• Not all [registered] students will attend.
Mary Ellen Guffey, Business Communication: Process and Product, 5e
Ch. 7, Slide 11
Kick the noun habit.
• Wordy: We must conduct an
investigation of all parking violations
before we can give consideration to
your fine.
• Improved: We must investigate all
parking violations before we can
consider your fine.
Mary Ellen Guffey, Business Communication: Process and Product, 5e
Ch. 7, Slide 12
Dump trite "business"
phrases.
• Trite: Pursuant to your request,
enclosed please find a job application.
• Improved: As requested, we have
enclosed a job application.
Mary Ellen Guffey, Business Communication: Process and Product, 5e
Ch. 7, Slide 13
Develop parallelism
(balanced construction).
• Not parallel: We can collect information,
store it, and later it can be updated.
• Parallel: We can collect, store, and
update information.
Mary Ellen Guffey, Business Communication: Process and Product, 5e
Ch. 7, Slide 14
Use Numbered Lists for
“High Skim” Value
Follow these steps to archive a
document:
1. Select the document.
2. Select a folder.
3. Provide a file name.
4. Click “Save.”
Mary Ellen Guffey, Business Communication: Process and Product, 5e
Ch. 7, Slide 15
Use Bulleted Lists for
“High Skim” Value
Consumers expect the following
information at product Web sites:
•
Price
•
Quality
•
Performance
•
Availability
Mary Ellen Guffey, Business Communication: Process and Product, 5e
Ch. 7, Slide 16
Add Headings for Visual
Impact and Readability
A number of topics must be discussed at
our next meeting:
Budget. Come prepared to discuss your
expense requests.
Schedule. Who will be taking vacations
or leaves?
Hiring. Soon we must begin the hiring
process to replace Matt.
Mary Ellen Guffey, Business Communication: Process and Product, 5e
Ch. 7, Slide 17
Guffey’s 3 x 3 Writing
Process
Mary Ellen Guffey, Business Communication: Process and Product, 5e
Ch. 7, Slide 18
The Complete Process
1. Prewriting
Analyze
Anticipate
Adapt
Mary Ellen Guffey, Business Communication: Process and Product, 5e
Ch. 7, Slide 19
The Complete Process
1. Prewriting
Analyze
Anticipate
Adapt
2. Writing
Research
Organize
Compose
Mary Ellen Guffey, Business Communication: Process and Product, 5e
Ch. 7, Slide 20
The Complete Process
1. Prewriting
Analyze
Anticipate
Adapt
2. Writing
Research
Organize
Compose
3. Revising
Revise
Proofread
Evaluate
Mary Ellen Guffey, Business Communication: Process and Product, 5e
Ch. 7, Slide 21
1. Prewriting
• Analyze: Define your purpose.
Select the most appropriate form
(channel). Visualize the audience.
• Anticipate: Put yourself in the
reader’s position and predict his or
her reaction to this message.
• Adapt: Consider ways to shape the
message to benefit the reader, using
his or her language.
Mary Ellen Guffey, Business Communication: Process and Product, 5e
Ch. 7, Slide 22
2. Writing
• Research: Collect data formally and
informally. Generate ideas by
brainstorming and clustering.
• Organize: Group ideas into a list or
an outline. Select the direct or
indirect strategy.
• Compose: Write first draft, preferably
on a computer.
Mary Ellen Guffey, Business Communication: Process and Product, 5e
Ch. 7, Slide 23
3. Revising
• Revise: Revise for clarity, tone,
conciseness, and vigor. Revise to
improve readability.
• Proofread: Proofread to verify
spelling, grammar, punctuation, and
format. Check for overall
appearance.
• Evaluate: Ask yourself whether the
final product will achieve its purpose.
Mary Ellen Guffey, Business Communication: Process and Product, 5e
Ch. 7, Slide 24
What to Watch for When
Proofreading
• Spelling
• Grammar
• Punctuation
• Names and numbers
• Format
Mary Ellen Guffey, Business Communication: Process and Product, 5e
Ch. 7, Slide 25
Basic Proofreader’s Marks
Delete
Capitalize
Lowercase (don’t capitalize)
Transpose
Close up
Mary Ellen Guffey, Business Communication: Process and Product, 5e
Ch. 7, Slide 26
Basic Proofreader’s Marks
Insert
Insert space
Insert punctuation
Insert period
Start paragraph
Mary Ellen Guffey, Business Communication: Process and Product, 5e
Ch. 7, Slide 27
Unmarked Copy
This is to inform you that beginning
september 1 the doors leading to the
Westside of the building will have alarms.
Because of the fact that these exits also
function as fire exits they can not actually
be locked consequently we are instaling
alrams. Please utilize the east side exists
to avoid setting off the ear piercing
alarms.
Mary Ellen Guffey, Business Communication: Process and Product, 5e
Ch. 7, Slide 28
Marked Copy
This is to inform you that beginning
september 1 the doors leading to the
Westside of the building will have alarms.
doors
Because of the fact that these exits also
function as fire exits they can not actually
l
be locked consequently we are instaling
use
alrams. Please utilize the east side exists
to avoid setting off the ear piercing
alarms.
Mary Ellen Guffey, Business Communication: Process and Product, 5e
Ch. 7, Slide 29
Revised Copy
Beginning September 1 the doors leading
to the west side of the building will have
alarms. Because these doors also function
as fire exits, they cannot be locked;
consequently, we are installing alarms.
Please use the east side exits to avoid
setting off the ear-piercing alarms.
Mary Ellen Guffey, Business Communication: Process and Product, 5e
Ch. 7, Slide 30
How to Proofread Routine
Documents
• For computer messages, read on the
screen or, better yet, print a rough
copy to read.
• For handwritten or printed
messages, read carefully and use
proofreading marks to indicate
changes.
Mary Ellen Guffey, Business Communication: Process and Product, 5e
Ch. 7, Slide 31
How to Proofread Complex
Documents
• Print a copy, preferably double-spaced.
• Set it aside for a breather.
• Allow adequate time for careful
proofreading.
• Be prepared to find errors.
Congratulate, not criticize, yourself
each time you find an error!
Mary Ellen Guffey, Business Communication: Process and Product, 5e
Ch. 7, Slide 32
How to Proofread Complex
Documents
• Read the message at least twice – for
meaning and for grammar/mechanics.
• Reduce your reading speed. Focus on
individual words.
Mary Ellen Guffey, Business Communication: Process and Product, 5e
Ch. 7, Slide 33
Evaluating the Outcome
• How successful will this
communication be?
• Does the message say what you want
it to say?
• Will it achieve its purpose?
• Did you encourage feedback so that
you will know whether it succeeded?
Mary Ellen Guffey, Business Communication: Process and Product, 5e
Ch. 7, Slide 34
Wordy Memo–Poor
“Before” Version
Mary Ellen Guffey, Business Communication: Process and Product, 5e
Ch. 7, Slide 35
To: All Management
This memo is addressed to all members to advise you that
once a year we like to remind management of our policy in
relation to the matter of business attire. In this policy there is
a recommendation that all employees should wear clothing
that promotes a businesslike atmosphere and meets
requirements of safety.
Employees who work in offices and who, as part of their
jobs, meet the public and other outsiders should dress in a
professional manner, including coat, tie, suit, slacks, dress,
and so forth. In areas of industrial applications, supervisors
may prohibit loose clothing (shirt tails, ties, cuffs) that could
become entangled in machinery that moves.
Mary Ellen Guffey, Business Communication: Process and Product, 5e
Ch. 7, Slide 36
Where it is necessary, footwear should protect against heavy
objects or sharp edges at the level of the floor. In the
manufacturing and warehousing areas, prohibited footwear
includes the following: shoes that are open toe, sandals,
shoes made of canvas or nylon, tennis shoes, spiked heels
higher than 1 1/2 inches.
Each and every manager has the responsibility for the
determination of suitable business attire, and employees
should be informed of what is required.
Mary Ellen Guffey, Business Communication: Process and Product, 5e
Ch. 7, Slide 37
Wordy Memo–Improved
“After” Version
Mary Ellen Guffey, Business Communication: Process and Product, 5e
Ch. 7, Slide 38
To: All Management
Once a year we like to remind you of our policy regarding
business attire. All employees should wear clothing that
promotes a businesslike atmosphere and meets safety
requirements.
Office employees who meet the public should dress
professionally, including coat, tie, suit, slacks, dress, and so
forth. In industrial areas, supervisors may prohibit loose
clothing (shirt tails, ties, cuffs) that could become entangled
in moving machinery.
Mary Ellen Guffey, Business Communication: Process and Product, 5e
Ch. 7, Slide 39
Where necessary, footwear should protect against heavy
objects or sharp edges at floor level. In the manufacturing
and warehousing areas, prohibited footwear includes the
following: open-toe shoes, sandals, shoes made of canvas or
nylon, tennis shoes, and heels higher than 1 1/2 inches.
Every manager is responsible for determining suitable
business attire and for informing employees of what is
required.
Mary Ellen Guffey, Business Communication: Process and Product, 5e
Ch. 7, Slide 40
Revision of Letter–Poor
“Before” Version
Mary Ellen Guffey, Business Communication: Process and Product, 5e
Ch. 7, Slide 41
Dear Mr. Sato:
Pursuant to your request, the undersigned is transmitting to
you herewith the attached materials and documents with
regard to the improvement of security in your business. To
insure the improvement of security of your after-hours
security, you should initially make a decision with regard to
exactly what you contemplate must have protection. You are,
in all probability, apprehensive not only about your
electronic equipment and paraphernalia but also about your
company records, information, and data.
Mary Ellen Guffey, Business Communication: Process and Product, 5e
Ch. 7, Slide 42
Inasmuch as we feel you will want to obtain protection for
both your equipment and data, we will make suggestions for
taking a number of judicious steps to inhibit crime. First and
foremost, we recommend that you install defensive lighting.
A consultant for lighting, currently on our staff, can design
both outside and inside lighting, which brings me to my
second point. Exhibit security signs, due to the fact that
nonprofessional thieves are often as not deterred by posted
signs on windows and doors. As my last and final
recommendation, you should install space alarms, which are
sensors that look down over the areas that are to receive
protection, and activate bells or additional lights, thus scaring
off intruders.
Mary Ellen Guffey, Business Communication: Process and Product, 5e
Ch. 7, Slide 43
After reading the enclosed materials, please call me to
further discuss the protection of your business.
Sincerely,
Mary Ellen Guffey, Business Communication: Process and Product, 5e
Ch. 7, Slide 44
Revision of Letter–Improved
“After” Version
Mary Ellen Guffey, Business Communication: Process and Product, 5e
Ch. 7, Slide 45
Dear Mr. Sato:
At your request, I am sending you the attached materials
regarding improving security in your business. To improve
your after-hours security, you should first decide what must
be protected. You are probably concerned about your
electronic equipment and about company data.
Mary Ellen Guffey, Business Communication: Process and Product, 5e
Ch. 7, Slide 46
Because we feel you will want to protect both equipment and
data, we can suggest a number of prudent steps to deter
crime. First, install defensive lighting. Our lighting expert
can design both outside and inside lighting. Second, post
security signs. Amateur thieves are often deterred by signs on
windows and doors. Finally, install space alarms. These
sensors look down over the areas that are being protected.
The sensors can activate bells or lights, thus scaring off
intruders.
Mary Ellen Guffey, Business Communication: Process and Product, 5e
Ch. 7, Slide 47
After reading the enclosed materials, please call me to
further discuss protecting your business.
Sincerely,
Mary Ellen Guffey, Business Communication: Process and Product, 5e
Ch. 7, Slide 48
End
Mary Ellen Guffey, Business Communication: Process and Product, 5e
Ch. 7, Slide 49