The Love Story
REVIEWS/TESTIMONIES:
The way you describe what you went through, and how you found out about
her betrayal, and your reaction to discovering the lie entices me to want to
read more. It makes it easy to remember those feelings of losing someone
we care about and tugs on the heart.
Shaina Rae Hiser.
Wow...that is a LOT to take in one read...first...my heart hurts for you and
your sister...I am so sorry that the people who were meant to care and love
for you hurt you....but I am equally impressed by your survival instinct...and
the fact that it has not embittered you. As for the love of your life...people
just fucking suck sometimes...and that's how I deal with idiots...I think your
method of ridding yourself of her negative energy and influence is highly
cathartic...and I just know this book will be the precipice of something life
changing...I can't wait to read some of the entries. Thank you so much for
sharing...it sincerely touched me.
Christina Hernandez
Reading Katherine’s Memoir brought back a lot of memories within me.
Sometimes we think we have worked on that or dealt with that and we go on
in life, but after reading Katherine's Memoirs you realize that sometimes
hearing another’s pain and heartache stirs deep within our souls our own
pain and heartache that we either are going through, or have gone through.
Katherine touches not only your heart, but your soul as well. After you feel
the pain and heartache, you are then inspired by her journey, her becoming a
strong woman. An inspiration to so many that lives can knock you down
YES! But it doesn't have to keep you trapped in the darkness. There is light
and hope, it’s yours to reach out for, to go after and that is what she has
inspired within me. (You might have to have two pages LOL sorry but it
really touches me Katherine thank you)
Murray Joyce
A book on spiritual survival…I love it
I really like how you allow the reader to have knowledge on your past which
leads up to your Present and Future Successes. GREAT STUFF!!!! PEACE
AND LOVE
Everson Greene
Powerful, moving and truthful! It’s only through traveling through a storm
that we can see a rainbow! WE all have these journeys at different levels but
your honesty on your childhood and what you experienced helps people to
understand you better.
Susan Kennel
Katherine, the truth always sets us free once we seek and find it. I know and
understand your journey well, and as you say ...we walk through life putting
things aside until an event in our life brings it all up...Being human and with
heart it is the only way to feel the raw emotions inside of us, be it by crying,
being depressed and being angry...all that as you also say brings you to a
whole new level of life and love...and the most important love, of
yourself.....Thank you for sharing these events. I am certain they will strike a
chord with many...as we all walk the earth our mission is to help one
another.....Namaste and great to meet with you again....xx...MG
P.S The indifference in people is their own inability to learn more about
themselves and become a complete being with pure love and happiness.....
Maria Drossi
Katherine, I found comfort knowing that I am not alone. I really thought
only heterosexual relationships had this type of drama or heartbreak. Your
journey through Letters of a Woman Found opened my own doors of self
discovery.
Amanda Yoshida
TABLE OF CONTENTS/SECTIONS:
I.
I.
PREFACE
It was a cold, harsh night outside with temperatures of 60 degrees and
below as I was locked up in a six foot by six foot brown, cold, wooden box
located in the dog kennels. I can barely see the stars in the sky as I peaked
through the cracks of the box. The night is cold as death itself. I can hear the
sounds of the dogs outside the box. Their howls begging for food, and
whimpering in agony almost to the point of overwhelming what little I had
of my hearing. I am barely clothed with brown shorts, yellow tank top, no
underwear and no shoes. My clothes are putrid with urine stains, the smell of
dog fecal matter and my blood dripping down the inside of my legs. My
mother just raped me with a wooden horse crop for her pleasure.
I am still gagging as my mother had placed a stainless steel chain
collar attached with a brown leash around my small neck, locking me inside
the box, outside for the night. My mother wanted to remind me that I am
nothing more than a slave, worse than a dog. In her eyes, I am property to be
beaten, tortured, raped and sold on a daily basis for her profit and
gratification. It was a harsh reality for an eight year old that they were
nothing. All I want is play yet I know this will never happen. Tomorrow
night I am to be sold once again during a ceremony to one her friends for
their pleasure and profit. It was the weekend and rent was due soon. Inside
this cold, wooden, dark box, I pray to God a simple prayer,
“My father who art in heaven, if I live, please allow me to find love. I
promise that I’ll never be dark like my mother. Please God, let me find a
family that will love me and not hurt me. I pray that one day I can find love
and they will not hurt me as I am hurting now. I’m scared and don’t know
what she has planned. Please don’t let me die. I want to live to be an adult. I
promise to be your loyal servant.” I always prayed to live, to be an adult and
to find love. Every day I was afraid that I would die at the hands of my
mother. I have personally witnessed her cruelty, and killing of my sister and
others which not limited to just dogs however other children like me. My
mind didn’t understand why she was cruel and I always thought if I prayed
hard enough that she might stop. The hope of someone rescuing me was not
possible in my situation. I witnessed firsthand what happens to someone
that has tried to rescue me or any of the other children in the house. Those
that have tried to rescue us have faced death, blood and horror for their
attempts. All I could do was pray that I would live to someday tell my story.
My mother was a beautiful woman physically, with dark hazel eyes,
long blonde, curly hair, and a skinny build. Men were always attracted to her
because of her charm. She always had a way of getting whatever she wanted.
She was popular in the community only because of her help with disabled
children. I still remember people whispering that they were afraid of her and
that she was dark. Yet no one stood up to her or spoke their mind out of that
fear. No one really saw or could comprehend the cruel woman that my
mother really was behind closed doors. I always imagined that my mother
was cruel because she hated life. I thought that if I could love her enough
that she would be nice, and my torture would end. I imagined that she would
apologize and it would be all over. Every day would pass and the horror
continued. My imagination of hope that this cruelty would end was a dream
of a child that wanted a mother that did not rape her every day, sell her or
torture her. I wanted to play like other children and have toys. My dream
never came true because it was a truth far from normalcy as one could
imagine.
Thirty Three years would pass when at the age of 41; I would realize
that my mother was a victim herself that perpetrated a horrific cycle of abuse
and torture. The lives that she affected had no measurement. Just a few years
ago, at the age of 39, I had locked away all those memories of abuse in what
I thought was the deepest regions of my body, my heart. My mind
remembered certain key events of trauma that I had endured, however I did
not give a voice to them for fear of rejection by other people based on my
own experience, and conditioning. In the past, when I told people about what
I went through, I was laughed at and made a laughing stock. In those
moments of rejection, I learned and perceived that people could not be
trusted. In response, my whole being continued to block a lot of the trauma.
There were things I could not remember. In many ways, I hoped my memory
would never return. The horror of my childhood traumatized my adult being.
Sometimes I would get flash backs of events however I would tell myself
don’t go there for people will reject me.
In response to what I learned, my life became one of people pleasing.
I thought that if I did what people wanted me to do that I wouldn’t be hurt.
Instead, this ideology and mythology of myself opened a pathway to people
taking advantage of me. Every day in my mind, I searched for a fragment of
a good family in other people. When I turned 39, I thought that if I could
find a relationship that I would be free of my ghosts of the past. In my soul, I
vowed to myself that I would never speak of the horrific evils that I
witnessed and endured as a child. I was in a state of denial. My mind thought
that by hiding what I went through that I would have a chance at being
considered normal.
The day I fell in love for the first time in my life at 39, changed
everything in my life. My dream of a family could finally be fulfilled with
my partner to be. My mind created this reality of a house, children and
celebration. My partner would come home from work and I would have
dinner ready at the table. There would be a glass of merlot next to the vase
of red roses. We would could sit at dinner talking about our day. Together
we would be family. It was a dream I held dearly in my mind and close to
my heart since I was a child. I could finally be free of the ghosts of my past.
I dislike my past and hated what my mother did to me.
My partner Danielle intoxicated me with the reality of true love and
family. Danielle was a beautiful Hispanic woman with long black hair, a
voluperous body and gorgeous dark brown eyes. Her eyes always seemed to
light up the room when she entered. The way that she would look at me gave
me an inner peace. I felt valued for the first time. In her presence I felt that I
could have the things that I was deprived of in childhood. Danielle and I use
to speak of our future together with her three children. There were nights
that we role played how our future would look and how beautiful it was. We
had discussions of our jobs, and financial wealth. Danielle and I often
commented on how we had finally found true love through our challenging
lives. I never knew that she had a secret that would destroy the very
foundation of my happiness, and who we were, would be shattered. Danielle
broke my heart opening a pandora’s box into my past.
It has taken almost two years to finally give voice to my memoir of
grief and healing that occurred during this time period. The process of
writing this memoir has been very painful, filled with anger, sorrow, sadness
and finally a reconciliation with my past providing an inner peace. The
greatest trial of my soul/spirit/self was finally accepting, embracing and
letting go of the chains of grief that held me captive for over 20 years. It was
my paralysis of hiding in the shadows so that no one could see my true tears.
I didn’t feel or recognize emotion until I experienced my heartbreak with
Danielle. The pain of my broken heart in January 2012 triggered all the
memories of a horrific childhood of trauma that I had kept buried. My mind
released all the blocks of trauma as I began to remember. I tried so hard to
block the memories however my sadness took over. The journey into my
grief shattered the veil that was masking a child that had hoped of being
loved. My decades of grief/emotional trauma led to my greatest discovery:
myself. At one point, I stopped writing this memoir because I was afraid of
speaking my truth. There were times that when I tried to write it that I broke
down crying over the loss. I knew subconsciously by writing this memoir
that I would be reliving my trauma and bringing it to reality as a survivor.
The very nature of my soul is a writer. I have been writing since I was a
child. One would ever think that I had a problem in communicating my
thoughts or words to paper especially with pronunciation, grammar, or
spelling. The truth is that I get lost in trying to clearly communicate. It is a
process that I am still learning and growing from.
My memoir documents the process of my healing journey. All events
and people are factual. Every ones name except mine have been changed in
the memoir for privacy. The locations of events have not been changed. My
memoir is filled with moments of desperation, rawness and extreme
emotion. Honestly, when I first started this memoir it was written out of
anger. I wanted to say look, look at what she did. Look, once again I was
rejected and I stood up. However my approach to the memoir with anger
was really about my loss of love. Two years later, I have come to the
realization it was never about me. It was about the experience of healing,
and how in the process I found myself. I began rewriting the memoir with
insights, and kindness not only to myself however to the process. Truth be
told, I would’ve never gone down this path of healing had not been for
Danielle breaking my heart. I believe in my heart of hearts, that my story is a
living testimony of strength that can help other people so that they know that
they are not alone. Victims of abuse and/or those that have encountered loss
think that they are alone and there is no one else that has been on that
journey.
I learned for the first time in my life that I didn’t another woman’s or
person’s love to be accepted as a woman. In the healing process, I learned to
stand up moving forward as the phoenix that rises from the ashes of a
destructive fire. Today, I own my own company, produce my own self
empowerment shows/video productions/radio show and am a self
empowerment personal coach to others. I am still continuing my journey of
healing. It is a life long process of remembering that I am a woman of
substance and value. My hope is that through my experience that I tell you in
this memoir, that others realize that they are not alone when they had lost
their first true love. My memoir is a living testimony of the horrific trauma
childhood abuse that I survived and how I began the reconcilation process of
healing.
Today I am sharing with you my journey to that self discovery. The
process is life changing and evolutionary. I will make mistakes, have made
mistakes and yet I grow from them. I am no longer hiding from myself or
my truth within. I have learned to speak my truth authentically. It has been
scary at some points especially writing this memoir that I am sharing with
you. My story is not just about me; however an experience to share because
there are others out there that might not have a voice. I stand now and say
take my hand for you are alone.
The experience taught me what genuine friendship means, what is
love, faith and what it means to be me. I was fortunate to have a great
support system now in my latter years and to have great best friends. Some
people do not have a support system. In my process of healing I found my
best friends, Saundra and Lucky. Their endearing friendship opened the door
to a ray of sunshine. I credit them for saving my life as you will discover
why in my memoir. I know that there were times that were frustrating to my
best friends as they helped me, and supported me in my healing process.
There were times that I cried because I knew that I had frustrated them. Our
friendship grew and through their love, I knew I was not alone and I was
safe. Saundra and Lucky’s friendship with me, showed me compassion and
love of a great support system. I am honored to have them as best friends.
The moments of processing were challenging however, loving. I was shown
that life is a blessing. My friends have been a true gift and blessing.
For the first time in my life, I can say that I am a woman of value and
substance. There are still echoes of my past however everyday is the process
of remembering my value of my life. Everyone has a journey. This memoir
documents my journey and the ongoing process of healing. I hope everyday
that people do not have to go through what I have experienced. Unfortanetly,
sorrow exists and people feel it. It is my hope that my story, my life
experience in this memoir helps others to realize that they are not alone. In
the darkness I found the most valuable gift of all time: my genuine self.
Namaste!
-Katherine Symthe
THE LOVE STORY
II.
LEAVING WHO I AM
In late June 2011, I was sitting outside my patio at my table outside of
my one bedroom apartment. The patio table was a small round black, glass
table with two blue chairs. The night was young and the stars were so bright
outside. People bustled about their own business in the apartment complex.
Everyone in the apartment complex generally stayed to themselves. The
neighbors upstairs would come and go as they pleased. They never paid
attention to me on my patio. Looking around, sipping on brandy, I felt that
that I was beginning to have an identity crisis. I kept thinking about what I
had not done yet in my life. It scared me because what do I have compared
to others. I felt empty inside. I didn’t understand why I was feeling this way.
My 39th birthday was just around the corner in July. Every night I
kept wondering what have I really done with my life. If I died today, what
legacy would be left behind? My answer was nothing. When I was 25 years
old, I told the universe that I wanted to become a workaholic. Workaholics
seemed to never experience emotional pain. I deeply feared intimacy due to
my own trust issues with people and my own family. My childhood trauma
taught me to never trust anyone. I had this mythology/belief inside of myself
that at the end of the day people only sought to hurt you for their own profit.
It was something that my own mother taught me. Almost twenty years has
passed and yet I feel like that I have done nothing to show for it?
Whenever I began to really doubt things I would go to my journals
and write. Writing allowed me to go inside my heart and gain a balance
within myself. Perhaps if I embraced my writing then I will find my true
calling, my destiny and perhaps learn to truly be alive.
July 7, 2011-Journal Entry:
Today I am 39 years old. I sit here on my patio alone as usual. No
one has remembered that it was my birthday. It doesn’t really matter at this
point. It’s not like I am with any woman right now. I have met a few women
however it was just to say to other people, that I did go out on a date. It
becomes old after a while with others telling me that I’ll wind up alone and
that no one will remember me.
My spiritual dreams have returned. I have no thought on that really. I
don’t know if this is a good thing that these dreams have returned. I have
always been afraid of my dreams and my spiritual gifts. They always seem
to come true in some spooky fashion. My mother had the same gift. Damn
her for passing on this gift to me. When I try to tell others of this ability they
instantly want to know if I have dreamt of them becoming rich. So I have
given up asking others regarding my dream time. They just seem like a
selfish lot to me.
Usually the dreams are premonitions of things to come. The dream
from last night was very odd in nature. There was a silver truck with a
beautiful Hispanic woman. She had long black hair. Her eyes were brown
and piercing. The way she looked at me was amazing. She was filled with
desire for me. She opened the passenger door to the truck, “You must
remember who you are. The journey that you are about to take will go
straight to your heart.” Spiders began to crawl out of the passenger side. I
backed up in fear. Spiders are messengers of spirit. I’m deeply afraid of
spiders because of all the spiders of the house I grew up in.
Something is coming and I do not know what it is. I fear that what is
coming will somehow break the walls around my heart. I don’t understand
why I am sensing this. Spirit, if you can hear me, please be with me.
July 12, 2011-Journal Entry:
Today I have been a restaurant manager for the I restaurant for two
months. I love that I have my own apartment. I even have a cat that I have
called Mr. Sky. It has cost me dearly to get my own place. My ex roommate
bailed on the lease. She said that I needed to know what it was like to be
alone. She was a coward as I already knew what it was like to be alone. I
have been alone all my life. I thought that I could trust people yet time after
time I am seeing that I can’t trust people. I often wonder what I am doing
wrong. Is it really that hard spirit to be loved, and needed? Spirit seems to be
quiet on this matter. I call God Spirit. At least I was allowed to live through
my childhood and not die like Sarah.
Anyway, I stayed behind so that none of us would face credit charges.
It was the right thing to do yet now I am suffering by sleeping on a floor,
and no food in the house. I make sure that I have cat food for Mr. Sky. Oh
yeah I ate some cat food today because I was hungry. Disgusting is the word
that I have to say. I feel like writing a little piece that I am sensing in my
life.
The passing of change
Become the journey of discovery,
The words from the moments I live,
As breath vitalizes the steps I take.
I have come to realize that I am alone in my life. Spirit I want you to
know that I did not really expect that one from you. I thought by trusting no
one that I would be safe. The truth is I am alone due to my lack of trust. At
one time I loved being single. That is no longer the case. I would love to
have a sexual female companion. All my sexual relationships have been a
failure including my marriage to my ex wife. I don’t know if that counts
really because she was abusive. Three years into the relationship she had
began hitting me and claimed it was her thyroid making her do it. There are
still things that I do not talk about that she did to me. To this day I distrust
Reiki Masters. My ex wife claimed to be a Reiki master and one night she
hit me with a frying pan. Her claim to fame was that she was using Reiki
energy to force me to remember my abusive childhood. What have I done? I
married my mother really. What have I done? I am glad that I ran away from
my ex wife in the middle of the night.
To be with a woman would be wonderful. I want a woman that wants
to be intimate with me. I am tired of always being the giver. I want to feel
what it means to have an orgasm. Oye, I hope when people read this journal,
if they ever do that I am not laughed at. People would cringe if they found
out that I have never had an orgasm. I want to feel what it is like to be the
receiver for the first time in my life. Spirit, I would love to a true love that
will change my life forever. I ask this in the name of spirit. So shall it be
done. My luck I will have my true love run over me.
It’s now 4 am of July 13, 2011. I was startled awake by the fierce
storm outside. There is lighting. Something is coming. I don’t know what it
is. My soul tells me that it’s intense. This thing that is coming will change
my life.
Oh my god…Someone is coming onto my path. It’s a woman. She
looks like the one in my dream with the spiders. That doesn’t make sense. I
am afraid of spiders. Why …She is a firestorm. Spirit if this is the true love
that I have asked for than let her be the true love that will change my life.
Fourteen months later, the dream I wrote about in my journal on this
date, was in fact an omen of Danielle’s arrival into my life. There was a time
that I had wished that I had paid more attention however it wouldn’t have
helped. I was so lost in being different and alone.
III. THE MEETING
My life was getting frantic and my writing stopped momentarily. In
the beginning of August 2011, I started texting a woman online from a
dating site. There were many similarities in our life that I had come to enjoy.
There seemed to be a connection that was hard for me to explain. A part of
me was getting excited at the idea of finally having a long term girlfriend.
My issue of trust needed to seriously go away.
I thought perhaps I was lonely and that is why the connection was
strong. She was sweet in her words to me and very respectful. Her name was
Danielle. We exchanged phone numbers and agreed to have a coffee date on
August 16th, 2011. I have always been a very analytical person when it came
to dates and alignment of events.
I chose a small, quaint coffee shop on the main strip downtown, San
Antonio, Texas. People always say that you should have a blind date at a
public place for safety. On August 15, 2011, Danielle asked me where I
worked and I told her. I didn’t think there was any harm in sharing where I
worked. It wasn’t like she was going to show up out of the blue. That has
never happened to me.
It was about 9 pm on August 15, 2011. The I restaurant, a casual dine
restaurant was filled with the dinner rush. We are cooking steaks as we
looked through the galley watching the rush of people that keep coming into
the restaurant. The restaurant is popular because of its location between two
major clubs off the 281. I look up and my heart sinks to the pit of my
stomach. Danielle enters the restaurant, who sees me in the kitchen and
begins to smile at me. Our restaurant had an open window galley to the
dining room so the guests could see us cooking. She is more beautiful than
her picture. The way her eyes caught mine was right out of a romance
movie. Danielle has long black hair and a very vulperous body. The way
she moves and walks through the restaurant with her body seems flawless.
The way she stares at me pierces the very essence of my soul.
All I can think of is how this beautiful woman is looking at me. I keep
thinking,
“Oh shit, what do I do?”
My cook smiles,
“She is hot boss and I would do her in a pancake flip moment.”
I turn to my cook,
“Aye, Curamba, behave you!”
I couldn’t pay attention in the kitchen as I kept burning the customer’s
steak by accident. My cook looks at me and tells me to leave the kitchen.
I walk into the dining room sitting down next to Danielle. The booth
is lucky because it was number three, next to the door. The smell of her
perfume has a sweet aroma of lavender. Her low cut shirt shows off her
breasts that are very revealing to the eye. The way Danielle smiles fills me
with such joy and passion. Danielle’s piercing brown eyes gave new
definition to bedroom eyes. Her smile radiates an essence of sexuality that
could turn on even the softest of the male species into hardcore warriors. I
could tell that she was a mixed Hispanic woman with Native American
heritage. She is more beautiful in person than the picture that she had sent to
me. Spirit has sent me this beautiful woman. I didn’t know what to do or
say. Danielle seems to know the right words to ease my nervousness.
Danielle tells me that she was floored when she saw me. Danielle smiles,
whispering,
“You are so gorgeous. All I thought was oh my god, my prayers have
been answered.”
I didn’t know how to respond to her comment. It caught me off guard.
My perception was that I was ugly and that no one wanted to be with me
sexually. Suddenly, this gorgeous woman had told me that I was the one that
was gorgeous and that I was someone that she had prayed for. What has this
world come to? There was a loss of words in my brain. This sexy Hispanic,
femme, was telling me that I was the answer to her prayers. She thought I
was gorgeous. I felt mixed up like a scrambled egg.
We talked for an hour. Danielle shares with me how great it was to
find a woman that wanted to be with her knowing that she had children.
There seems to be such great easiness in talking with her. I was not timid or
shy. It was like talking to a long lost friend and we were catching up. We
agree to see each other the next night on an official coffee drink date.
The next night I waited for Danielle at the wine and pub on the strip. I
am nervous while waiting for her. What will I say or do? Oh no! What do I
do if Danielle wants to go home with me? What does this all mean? Slowly,
I look up across the parking lot. Be still my heart as Danielle closes the door
to her silver truck. Oh sweet Lord. Danielle’s truck was the same truck that I
had seen in my dreams. Wait that means that I had a premonition of Danielle
coming into my life. I look around to make sure that there are no spiders.
The bartender comes up to me asking,
“Is everything okay?”
I smile,
“I’m just making sure there are no spiders.”
“No Ma’am the exterminator came last week.”
Danielle is wearing this tight, silky white blouse that glimmers in the
light. Her blouse accentuates her breasts and curvatures of her body. Her
make up highlights her beauty even more. I feel like a goddess had just sat
down next to me. Her perfume intoxicates me. Heaven on earth just visited
me. My fantasy has true. We laugh talking about life and sharing drinks. Her
eyes pierce into mine telling a story of a great woman.
The way Danielle holds my hand in her hand makes my heart jump. A
beautiful woman is holding my hand. Yet I feel like a school girl in many
ways. Anxiety sets in after an hour of Danielle showing me this kind of
attention. I wasn’t prepared for this at all. Holy shit I asked spirit for a
beautiful woman and poof there she was. My thoughts spin my insides
around. Where was the escape route because this is not happening? Quickly
I make an excuse that I was tired and needed to leave.
Two hours later, I send a text message to Danielle. My guilt made me
think about how I had bailed on her. It wasn’t right that I just ditched her.
My anxiety overwhelmed me in the moment. Now the one woman that I
wanted to know would probably laugh. Danielle responded that she
understood. She asked me if I had been afraid. I tell her the truth.
We text one another for the next five hours. Danielle and I texted
about our desires to find that perfect soul mate. Somewhere along the way
the text messaging had become very sexual in nature. At one point, I was
ready to get in my vehicle and go to her house. Danielle’s words of how she
wanted to come home with me filled me with such passion. Danielle told me
that she wanted me to take her home with me. She used words to turn me on
sexually in the text messaging. Danielle finally texted,
“Tomorrow night I am coming to your house. You can’t run if you are
in your own house.” I agreed to the date. Now this beautiful woman was
going to be in my apartment. There was no excuse of me being tired and
running home as I was in my own apartment.
One could easily say that my instinct of running away was an omen.
There is a reason for every season. I would often wonder what would my life
be like had I not texted Danielle back?
IV. SEEDS OF LOVE
AUG. 17th, 201-Journal Entry:
I sit here on my patio waiting for Danielle to show up. She is going to
have a drink with me. I left our date early last night out of fear. It’s now 9:20
pm and she has yet to arrive. It figures that I would blow an opportunity
because I was scared. What the hell? Oh my God. Danielle just pulled up.
Later journal.
I put my journal away inside my apartment on the bookshelf. Danielle
arrives at my apartment parking next to the pool. I remember smiling as she
walked towards me. She came up to me hugging me. Danielle was even
more beautiful than last night. We go inside as I feel my stomach churn like
butterflies, knowing that this gorgeous woman was at my side and here to
see me. We were going to spend time together. I love random thoughts
because suddenly I thought, Oh my god what if we have sexual intercourse?
Breathe, Breathe. It’s going to be okay, Kat. Thank you Lord, I am wearing
matching underwear.
Danielle and I sit at my table in black chairs. The environment is
calming, quiet and very relaxing. There was a comfort that I had not felt
with another woman. We chuckle about my nervousness and anxiety.
Danielle makes me feel safe as we continue to talk. I feel like I can tell her
anything. I begin to hesitantly share with Danielle about my family’s abuse
towards me. To my amazement she is very accepting and understanding to
what I had survived. She was thankful that I was alive here today to be with
her talking. I have never shared with another person what I had been
through, let alone on the first date. Danielle smiles at me as asking,
“What inspired you to live?”
I simply reply, “My writing”
Danielle looks at me with amazement,
“Will you read one of your poems to me,” She asks. The poem that I
chose was ‘Midnight Hour’. It was the poem that earned me poet of the year
in 2002. The poem speaks of a woman that cries out to the goddess of the
moon for true love to feel the passion of a woman. The poem was written
when I was 25 years old for a woman that I had a crush one. The woman
didn’t return the feelings due to her Christian theology and conviction of
God in regards to homosexuals. In many ways, I chose that poem to tell
Danielle, that I wanted to be with her.
Danielle listens intently to every word of the poem that I read. I could
see in her eyes, her listening, taking in every word that I was reading. I feel
more nervous as I continue to read the poem to her. It’s not every day that on
a first date that I am asked to read one of my poems. Danielle softly looks at
me. It was exciting to share one of my poems with someone that I was
attracted to. Here I am sharing about my intimate desire to have this intense
passion with a woman. The poem almost sounds like a pick up line.
Suddenly, I feel myself wanting to touch Danielle, see her smile and
kiss her. I really couldn’t understand it. It’s an urge that was beginning to
overwhelm me. My body begins to tremble at the very thought of Danielle’s
touch. This beautiful Hispanic woman sits in front of me. I have always
loved Hispanic feminine women especially with a particular body build of
being vulperous.
I sit down in the chair next to her. Our sexual energy/chemistry
between us increases. Suddenly Danielle leans over as her lips gently touch
mine. I feel an electric sexual energy in our touch. Our connection is intense
and overwhelming. Her lips are so soft, so gentle and caring. The way she
holds me as she passionately kisses me ignites a fire inside of me. My God,
I think that I could allow her to be intimate with me. I am so turned on
sexually right now. Danielle slowly looks into my eyes,
“Shh, you are safe with me. I’ll never hurt you like the others.”
I start shaking because no one has ever said that to me. I whisper to
her, “I’ve never allowed another woman to be intimate with me.” I look into
her eyes, “please don’t hurt me.”
Danielle stands up, smiling at me. I become a little afraid because I
don’t know what her next move is.
“I want to love you, not hurt you.”
She takes my hand as she guides me to my own bedroom. Danielle
slowly begins taking my clothes off as she lays me down on my bed. Her
hunger to touch my body intensifies as her hands explore my body.
Danielle’s energy becomes excited, and very passionate. My body begins to
respond in a way that I had never felt before. I think of the pleasure and I am
thankful that there was no one here to rape me. There is this woman wanting
to give me pleasure for the first time in my life. I feel every move of her
body against mine as she sexually turns me on with her caress, her looks,
and her soft whispers. The feeling is electric. Danielle looks into my eyes,
whispering,
“I want to be inside of you. To feel you orgasm on my hand. I want to
taste you.”
Suddenly I cringe at these words. The room seems different. What is
going on? I begin to experience a flash back to my childhood. Danielle’s
mentioning of being inside of me, triggers a memory, of my mother raping
me as a child. Great! That’s all I need right now. In the middle of the most
passionate moment with a woman and I am having a flash back of being
raped by my mother. My mind tries to focus on the present moment.
Danielle notices that something is occurring in me. I am afraid that if she
penetrates me with her hand that I would react negatively because of the
flashback. I try and focus on something in the room to come back to the
present moment. I didn’t want Danielle to know about that memory.
“I am afraid. I am tight and I have been well I have been…” Danielle
gently puts her finger to my lips.
“Shh, let me love you. Let me taste you. Let me bring you to life for
the first time in your life.”
What’s going on? My thoughts are scattered. My body wants her
touch, her penetration and her sexual energy that is igniting my fire. I am
afraid as my confusion seems to overwhelm me during this passionate
moment. My mother be damned. I won’t allow this memory to stop this
experience. I decide to give in to Danielle.
I allow Danielle to penetrate me with her hand as I scream in ecstasy.
I have never had an orgasm until Danielle. She whispers in my ear how sexy
I am. She whispers in my left ear, how she loves the feeling of her hand
inside me. For the first time in my life I feel safe having sex with another
person. The sex is pleasurable, not painful. I am allowing someone else for
the first time to give to me instead of me always being the giver. My senses
awaken this woman in me. I scream in pleasure asking for more. Sex has
always been an issue with me due to the torture and abuse of my childhood.
In this moment I have learned of its pleasures and not its pain.
An hour goes by when I start giving Danielle orgasms. She scratches
my back whispering, “No woman has ever touched me like you. Oooh
Honey, you make me feel alive.” This whole moment feels surreal like one
of those adult rated pornography movies that you would rent and I am in it.
Danielle and I continue to give each other orgasms for the next five
hours. We are insatiable with each other. We explore each other’s bodies
and the many ways of how to make each other scream in pleasure. At one
point I had to make sure we were not waking the neighbors. Danielle kept
screaming very loud in pleasure. The way Danielle penetrated me with her
hand and at the same time stimulated my labia was mind blowing. Finally at
145 am Danielle said that she needed to go home to her children. I
understood about her situation. The time had come to write in my journal
about this mind blowing experience.
AUGUST 17, 2011-Journal Entry:
Oh my fucking god. Danielle came over and I had the most amazing
mind blowing sexual encounter ever. I had my first orgasm ever in my life.
What the hell? No one ever told me that an orgasm could feel so great. She
is the first woman that I have ever allowed to fist me. I feel alive…Ooo I
feel sore too however oh my god…it was mind blowing. We gave each other
orgasms for five hours. She left at 145am. My god I have been missing out.
I want more…phew. Okay Journal I have to go to bed.
The next morning, Danielle calls me telling me how she loved being
inside of me. She wanted to know when we could get together again. We
talked about the pleasures of the previous night. Danielle and I agreed that
we were going to be monogamous and only be with each other sexually. We
agreed to enter into a relationship with each other. She called me her
girlfriend. After the phone call I ran around my apartment excited as I was
thanking spirit. My life was finally afire with this gorgeous woman that
made love to me and wanted a relationship. My mind was still blown over
the previous night’s experience.
To this day, almost two years later, I still remember how I felt being
with Danielle that night. My body and heart in many ways misses that
experience, however I know it’s gone forever, at least with her. The reality
of those emotions of sexual love awakened me. Danielle sexually brought
me to a new level of understanding in my desires, my womanhood and how
to love another woman/person intimately. In many ways, Danielle turned me
out.
My body still remembers the nights with Danielle when she held me
in her arms as I had bad dreams. Danielle taught me that love does not cost a
life. Danielle even told me how special I was. Her words, her actions, her
behaviors and her way showed me about relationships. In looking back I
never saw that she was lying. Why should I have thought that she was lying?
Danielle always told me and my friends how we were soul mates.
I remember one night in August, when Danielle wrote on my black
board that I used for writing novels the following note,
“Dearest Kat,
You are truly awesome. I will love you ‘til the end of time.
Knowing you are my true love and I am yours gives me the greatest
pleasure.”
I remember telling Danielle how beautiful her words were. She
responds, “You and I are soul mates.” The message seemed to have echoed
forever that we would love one another. It was a dream that I had for 30
years - which I could be loved. I could be like everyone else. My past was
over. In my thoughts, I had won even if I was raped, tortured and sold into
prostitution by my own mother. My mother took pleasure in my pain.
Finally, I could have what everyone else had, true love. What a blessing I
thought. For the first time in my life I have a family. I always asked the
universe for the great true love of my life.
Two years later, I would see the strange irony in my manifestation
regarding true love. I didn’t realize it at the time. It would only be in
hindsight that I would realize the nature of what I had manifested to the
universe. One has to be careful of their manifestation particularly in the
details. I had the universe for a great true love that would change my life
forever. I never thought about asking universe for my true love to love me
back. I only asked to have a great true that would change my life forever. I
assumed by asking for a true love that the true love would feel the same. I
would discover that the answer was no. One has to ask and be specific in
their manifestation.
THE VOWS
SEPTEMBER 7th, 2011: JOURNAL ENTRY
“I submitted to Danielle tonight as a sign of love and then she
surprised me and submitted to me. We both got on our hands and knees and
submitted our souls, our eternal love to one another. And we said these vows
in front of spirit. She really loves me to honor spirit like that. While in bed
she asked me to become a part of her family by proposing to me and I said
yes. Whoa holy shit! I said yes. Okay who I love it! Danielle told me that
she can see what I see through my eyes. It was so powerful that there are
hardly any words to describe it. I feel Danielle in my soul. We said vows and
promises to one another. We said these vows in front of spirit. I feel so alive,
so complete with Danielle at my side. For the first time in my life I do not
have to hide. I can be me and she accepts me. She understands what horror I
went through and she accepts me. Thank you journal.”
Danielle and I use to have this ongoing joke about coffee. The first
couple times I invited Danielle over to my apartment for coffee, we always
seemed to miss the coffee all together and become intimate with one
another! One of the times that we missed coffee, Danielle asks me, as she
was laying on top of me, smiling, looking into my eyes,
“When are you going to take me on a real date woman?” She was
right. A woman needs romance. I immediately began the planning!
The next day at work, I told the managers at my restaurant,
“You need to come in early because I have plans with my girl in a
couple of days. Can you help me out?” I asked. The managers agreed to let
me leave early on September 7th, 2011.
It was September 5th. I had two days to pull this all together. The first
step was to figure out what I needed to make for dinner. I had no clue as to
what to make so I began to ask around. Danielle had no idea what I had
planned for her. Neither did I.
Danielle and I always instant messaged each other every night. It was
a ritual of connection due to the hours we kept with our jobs. Danielle was a
catering captain for a prominent company here in San Antonio, Texas. I was
a restaurant manager that worked 12 hour shifts at the I Restaurant. Only
General Managers worked the day shifts from 6 am to 6 pm. I worked the
night shift from 6 pm to 6 am. Text messages and hidden phone calls to one
another was our way of staying connected. I also wrote journals to Danielle.
She had asked me to write her letters in journals and when we would meet,
she would take them and read them at home. She said it was our way of
staying connected during the times that we could not be together.
I remember Danielle was so excited about having dinner with me on
the 7 .. On September 5th, 2011, Danielle made mention of it in her text
messages to me that night.
th.
I will...knowing I will see you. :) :) can’t wait to
hold you and see your eyes sparkle. 
Danielle: To be in your arms, to hold you, to kiss you I
cannot wait!
Kat:
I feel your energy
Danielle: To feel you as well!! I need you.
The text messages inspired me at a job that was slowly getting to me
due to the long hours. I had to do something special for this woman. I
wanted Danielle to experience how special she has made me feel. I felt alive
because in my eyes she truly brought me to life and showed me that I could
love another person. I decided to cook dinner and buy over a hundred rose
pedals placing the rose pedals on the ground from the parking lot where she
would park her truck to my apartment to every room in the apartment. The
theory was to let Danielle know that for every step that she took that she was
loved by me. I decided that I was going to get on my hands and knees
submitting to Danielle as a sign of my undying love to her. It was my way of
proposing to her. I was in love with Danielle. What a feeling
During the time that I was preparing for this special night, I knew and
worked with a server named Lena. She was a server that pulled no punches.
We were the graveyard people, the warriors of the night. Lena was a stocky,
yet well built tattooed woman that even had a tattoo on her face. Lena was
very street wise and knew how to handle her customers. No one ever messed
with Lena including the drunks. Lena and I often talked about Danielle.
Lena gave me the recipe and taught me how to make chicken parmesan in
the restaurant.
Lena asks me,
“Why do you want to do this Boss Lady? “
“All her life she has looked for that one true love and has told me that
she has found it in me. Now I’ll show her how beautiful she is. I’ll place
rose pedals on the ground so that for every step that she takes she knows that
I love her and she is loved.”
Lena looks at me, “Damn Boss Lady, I want to date you now.”
Lena and I spent days going over how to make the dinner from
scratch. Lena often commented that Danielle had brought out the softer side
of me. Lena often remarked that whenever I had thought of Danielle, I
smiled. There was a certain sparkle in my eyes. Lena said she had never seen
me smile,
“You were a bitch Boss Lady till Danielle entered your life.”
Kat:
“Tell me how you really feel jeez!” I respond.
Lena was right. Before Danielle entered my life, I vowed to never
love anyone or let them in. My childhood taught me that if I allowed
somebody into my heart that they would hurt me. I didn’t want to go through
that kind of pain again. I remember Lena telling me,
“Boss Lady, life is about the experience and you must trust that
Danielle is here to show you how it feels to be in love. Trust that Danielle
will love you forever. She’s good woman. You told her about the abuse and
she didn’t “I run,”
“I know,” I remark.
“She embraced you, Boss Lady” Lena said.
“I know it’s just I know how people are. I don’t want to disappoint
her.” I said.
Lena looks at me,
“Because you don’t know certain things like what it is like to have a
Christmas or celebrate your birthday. Watch she will surprise you for your
40th in July next Year and you will be amazed.”
I sigh with high hopes,
“I hope that you are right. I don’t know if I can survive any more
pain.”
Lena smiles at me,
“Boss Lady, you’re tough. You are a strong woman. We always stand
up.” Lena gives me a letter. I stand there looking at Lena,
“What’s this?” I ask.
“Just read it and give it to Danielle. I am intuitive and she will
understand that you and her are meant to be together.” I open the letter and
it reads,
Hey Danielle,
I’m sorry for your grandma’s health state, I am praying for
you and your family. Keep your head up. I would love to extend
my hand to you in friendship. Our paths were meant to cross.
We need to get together with our children and have a play date.
I have some daughters and imagine you have great kids as well. I
think you, me, and Kat and all the kids might be a lighter way to
introduce Kat to your family so they can adjust. This time in your
life is a real change and you have great things ahead of you with
Kat. Embrace them and honor them. Kat will love you forever,
Your friend,
Lena
The day finally arrives for Danielle’s surprise dinner. A few hours
prior to the dinner, I suddenly realize, oh my god, Danielle loves monkeys.
In a quick dash, I drive to a local retail store named Saving Mart. I went
down the aisles and couldn’t find a stuffed monkey. Irritation sat in as I
wanted this night to be perfect for the woman that I loved. I wanted her to
know that I would do anything for her. I went up to an older Hispanic
woman. I remember seeing the shiny cross necklace around her neck.
“Ma’am do you know where I can find the stuffed monkeys?” I asked.
“In the children’s isle. Are you buying the monkey for your child?”
She asks. I look at her oddly, because I was in a rush and she wanted small
talk.
“No. It’s for my girlfriend. I am having this romantic dinner with her
tonight,” I reply.
The woman became irate and angry.
“PEOPLE like you disgust me”, she shouted, walking off.
Shock sat in as I thought wow, really? Even in the 21st century there is
still hatred towards homosexuality. I was angry as I searched for the next
clerk. I yelled at the next clerk however backed up when I realized that it
was not her fault for what the prior clerk had said to me.
“Will you please help?” I ask. I explain to the clerk what I was trying
to do for my girlfriend. The woman guides me to the isle with the stuffed
monkeys, smiling and turns to me.
“Your girlfriend is a very lucky woman. I wish all women
were like you. You amaze me.” I thank the clerk.
Inside of me, I knew that this event would brew. I didn’t have time to
process it entirely. Time was running out before Danielle was to be at my
apartment. Quickly I drove back to the apartment and began the
preparations. Everything was set including the letter that Lena had given to
me for Danielle. Lena’s letter to Danielle was very sweet.
I lit the apartment up with candles. Danielle enters amazed. The gleam
in Danielle’s eyes spoke volumes to me. I had prepared the dishes and the
meal. I decided to submit to Danielle.
I got down on my hands and knees, saying,
“From all the elements of earth and all that I am, I forever
submit my love to you. I will honor you, love you and
show you the beauty through the dark times. When you can’t stand I
will be right there holding you. I will protect you, and love you.”
Danielle reaches down, picking me up, kissing me passionately. Tears
fill Danielle’s eyes. I am truly in love for the first time in my life. We sat
down on my floor and have dinner. Danielle smiles at me during the
candlelight dinner.
“I’ve never had anyone submit to me or have such a romantic dinner.”
My thoughts run rapid as I was the one she had always been searching
for. We look into each other’s eyes.
“I have desert” I say with a coy look in my eye.
Danielle smiles at me responding,
“I want my desert now” Danielle states a matter of factly.
I smile,
“Really now? What desert do you speak of my lady?”
Danielle stands up, taking me to my bedroom. The hours of intimacy
was once again a fulfilling pleasure that I only felt with her. Danielle was
fully aware that I had never allowed other women to pleasure me because
that would mean that they could get close to me.
Danielle suddenly surprises me when she gets off the left of my bed.
Danielle kneels on her hands and her knees on the floor submitting to me.
Danielle’s long black hair flows over her shoulders. The way she looks at
me is filled with full love.
“I, Danielle, submit to you, my true love and soul mate, Kat. You are
my wife, and I promise to love you forever and to stand next to you. I take
you to be my wife.” My heart jumped having this beautiful woman at my
side as my wife and companion. It was so romantic how she was on her
hands and knees. Danielle asked me to be her wife.
I immediately said yes, crying. Danielle and I exchange vows to one
another. I remember Danielle looking into my eyes,
“This is our night, our wedding. My committeemen to you, my true
love and soul mate.” In many ways it was our own private commitment
ceremony. Our witness was each other and spirit/universe.
Danielle and I hug one another. Once again we make love to each
other. She calls me out as her wife during her orgasms. A few hours pass as
we were talking. I begin to reflect back on my own life as a child. There
were so many times that I had wished for better experiences than what I had.
Now this experience has changed everything. I am in love and she is in love
with me. I never knew love could feel like this. Now I was able to give to
someone else something, my love and my love would be returned. I felt
alive, excited and amazed, even though we were only together for three or
four hours that night. In my heart of hearts I had truly given joy to someone
else. I showed them how they could be loved and should be loved.
Danielle and I hold each other in bed. We talk for hours as I openly
tell her more about my childhood trauma and abuse. Danielle grows angry at
how I was hurt and vows to me that she would protect me at all costs. She
looks into my eyes and promises that she would always be there for me. Her
eyes were so comforting. When I am in her arms, my past seems like an
echo. Danielle remarks on how I love so deeply.
“I am so amazed how you can love so deeply even through the horrors
that you have seen as a child. I love how you love me and the orgasms that
you give me. I truly feel alive by your touch.”
Danielle’s words reminded me that when I was growing up I never
saw that kind of love. I only saw the cruelty, beatings, rape sand oftentimes
death of animals and people. At an early age, I vowed to myself that I would
never ever become the evil son of bitches that had raised me. Every night I
prayed to Spirit to please keep me alive and give me strength to endure so
that I can keep my promise to Sara. I wanted to reach out to others as an
adult and show them that people like me who went through what I did, are
good people. I was honored to be with Danielle and that she was with me.
The night that Danielle and I exchanged vows with each other
impacted me on a deep level. The ideology of marriage and exchange of
vows are very sacred to me. I had truly thought at the time that I had
reached greatness in my life. This moment always holds an emotional charge
for me when I was writing this memoir because it hurts deeply. I often
thought how can a person be so cruel to exchange vows with someone, make
a promise and then abandon the one they love? The reality is that this event
triggered my own abandonment issues from childhood and that I was
rejected as a daughter. I was used as an object that in my mother’s eyes was
only meant as a playground of abuse. Today, two years later, I have come to
terms with this event. I have also accepted that some questions don’t have
answers.
ONE VOICE- THE START OF A VIDEO PODCAST SERIES.
A few days later, I began to reflect upon what I was told at the retail
store. I kept going over in my head what the clerk had told me, when I was
trying to buy a monkey for Danielle. I started to become angry because it
was not right to be treated like that. I am going to have a family and I needed
to make a statement against such hatred. The question of the day lied in what
could I do. I wanted to give a personal insight into what I had experienced so
others would know the truth. The time came to take my voice into action and
I decided to create a video on my cell phone and upload it to Youtube.com. I
called it ONE VOICE.
“It only takes one to make a difference”
On the cold morning of September 21st, 2011 I launched ONE
VOICE. You can find the original podcast launching ONE VOICE at
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NDJkbYPdPYo
I went on to create ONE VOICE: Stepping stones to the next
generation. You can find the link to the group here.
http://www.Facebook.com/groups/101796346596410/members/
One Voice had a mission that I wrote to inspire people.
“In the milestones of who we are, it took one voice to change our
future. We will not give in. There are various aspects to one voice, different
dimensions, and levels. The issues of equality and the issues of this
generation will pave the road to our future. It’s about humanity. We need to
take a stand. One Voice is that forum, that project, is that podium produced
by House of SVOI owned and operated by Katherine Symthe. The stepping
stone began with one voice taking a stand.” (One Voice Mission)
When Danielle and I had dinner next, I told her about ONE VOICE.
She was excited that I was taking a stand.
Danielle hugs me,
“You need to also give hope. While you are angry at what happened,
you need to show others that there is hope. That they can survive, that
their voice is important. I would like to see ONE VOICE give hope to
others.”
I thought about what Danielle said and she was absolutely correct. At
the time, all I could think about was doing anything to please Danielle and
make her proud of me. There could be no mistake on my part. Someone
needs to offer hope so I sat down and thought about it all night. In that
moment I decided that I was going to create a series of podcasts when I saw
issues arise in the community and address them. No one should ever think
that they are alone. There are too many people in their life think that they are
alone. The time to change the reality was now.
Random moments often become the stepping stones for other
opportunities. Currently, at the time of this books release, One VOICE has
gone silent. There was a time that the project served as a stepping stone to
equality within the gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgendered community. The
lives that ONE VOICE has touched had been amazing. The project once
received a thank you letter from the WE GIVE A DAMN campaign operated
by Cyndi Lauper. ONE VOICE still exists under my company, HOUSE OF
SVOI. One day that project might come back to life. One Voice became a
foundation for me to create other video series. I shall remember One Voice
in how it led me to create other shows.
THE INFAMOUS CAR
Random acts of kindness from the heart are always the noblest. I had a
car that I named Miranda. She was a maroon, four door, Hyundai Elantra. I
had gone through hell and back in repairs with this car. It was only
benefiting that I called her Miranda after the actress Miranda Richardson
who played the infamous character from the movie The Crying Game.
On September 29th, 2011 Danielle was coming to visit me in the
morning. I had just gotten off work however I was willing to loose sleep to
be with my girlfriend. Danielle texted me saying that she had an unexpected
surprise for me. She had her son with her. In the past, Danielle had not
wanted me to meet her children until she knew for sure that we would work
out. Her children became attached to her ex girlfriend. When they did not
work out, the children were devastated. She asked if I could watch him while
she ran an errand and then she would be right back. I agreed to this. Danielle
asked me a special favor when watching her son.
“Please don’t let on to my son, that you are my wife, my girlfriend,”
Danielle tells me.
“I understand however we did exchange vows in private and they’ll
figure out that we are together. When will you tell them about us?” I ask
sternly.
Danielle sighs,
“Soon, you have to understand we are a Mexican family and I have to
figure out a way to tell them. I love you and you know this.”
“I know, see you soon.” I replied disappointed. I hung up my cell
phone shaking my head. Danielle and I made an agreement that she would
not introduce me to her children or family as her girlfriend or that we
exchanged private vows as wives. Danielle gave me a long story about how
she wanted to make sure that we were solid. She didn’t want to further
traumatize her children to yet another disappointment. I related especially to
the children. However, in my heart, I was saddened.
I start a pot of coffee when I receive a frantic phone call from
Danielle. She has been pulled over in front of my apartment complex. I
immediately drive to the front of the complex. The police are there taking
her information. Danielle directs her son to go to my vehicle. He slowly gets
into the back of my car. He smiles at me with nervousness. I smiled back
assuring him that everything would be okay. In my mind I was not sure how
this was going to play out.
Danielle didn’t know that I knew about her past. I found out by
accident. A few days ago I wanted to find her profile on Google and found
something that she never shared with me. It was a mug shot of her arrest
record. She had a small record of a misdemeanor c for theft and possession
of marijuana. When I discovered this information I had to think about why
Danielle never told me. I was in no position to judge someone’s past as I
have hidden my past of being abused. I decided to keep the information to
myself and allow Danielle to tell me in her own time.
Slowly, I walk over to the Danielle to see what was going on. Danielle
is shaking.
“Are you okay?” I ask.
“I was driving on an expired license and my tags are expired. Not my
day. And to top it off, the car is not in my name. It’s in my ex-husbands.”
I smile at Danielle,
“Just wait here, “I said
I walk over to the Police Officer.
“Morning, Officer. What’s going to happen?” I ask.
“Well her license is expired, tags expired and the vehicle is not in her
name. Who are you?” Officer asks.
I calmly look at the officer,
“She is my girlfriend and she is coming to see me. Take the vehicle
and put her in my custody. Don’t do anything more please, not in front of
her child,” I state.
The officer asks for my identification which I gave. The officer runs
my identification coming back to me, smiling.
“Thank you for your service. I have paperwork to run, she can stay,”
Officer states.
The police officer starts writing up paper work as I walk back to my
car on the driver’s side. Danielle’s son looks nervous as he looks out the
back window of my car. I could sense that he was panicked. I reflected back
on the information that I had just learned about Danielle’s arrest record in
the past. I could understand that her son was worried that his mother would
go back to jail. My only hope at this point was that the officer would be true
to his word and not arrest Danielle and that she could stay as per his
promise.
Danielle’s son turns around, looks right at me, asking,
”Is Mom going to jail again?”
I smile at the boy trying to reassure him,
“No not if I can help it,” I replied.
“You do know mom used to be in jail and we had to visit her on the
weekends right, Miss Kat?
I look at this boy, soon to be my stepson. What words could I say to
ease his worries about his mother, my girlfriend? I felt as though his
admission about his mother being in jail was a test to see if I would abandon
him or his mother. Little did he realize that I already knew the truth and
would not judge or run.
“Sometimes people make mistakes however we cannot judge. I know
that she was in jail and what for. I still love her,” I said instinctively.
Suddenly, I realized I said love her and her son did not know about us yet.
Damn it, I had just told Danielle that I would not let it slip that we were
together. However her son was worried and I needed to give him assurance
that they were okay.
“Love?” The boy asks confused. I could see that he was trying to
make a connection.
“Yes love, friends love one another.” I reply nervously.
Danielle walks to my car and gets in on the passenger side. I felt
relieved as this conversation with her son had become awkward. We drove
to my apartment. When we arrived at the apartment we went inside. The son
instantly fell in love with my cat Mr. Sky.
Danielle was visibly shaken and motioned to me that she wanted to
talk to me in private. She kisses her son, hugging him. You could tell that
they had a deep bond. She instructs her son to stay inside as she needed to
talk to me in private. We go outside to my patio, lighting a cigarette.
Danielle shakes her head in dismay.
“I am embarrassed that my car has been taken away. Now I have no
vehicle for work at the catering company. With me being a team captain that
isn't going to bode well for me.” Tears fill Danielle’s eyes.
I immediately begin to think of a solution for the love of my life. I
knew if I just sat for a minute that a solution would come to me. It was only
a matter of time. Danielle begins to panic again as I listen.
“Just when things are going well something bad always has to
happen” Danielle stated.
Then it hit me as I think I found a solution.
“Yeah well it’s a good thing you have me. I have a solution.” I stated
confidently.
“Follow me to the bedroom and I’ll tell you my solution,” I stated.
I go online on my computer to check my bank account. Yes, the solution is
there. I have an extra 500 dollars. Now it’s just a matter of telling Danielle. I
know that she can be stubborn however if she understands my proposal then
it will work. Danielle looks at me as she sits next to me on my bed.
“What is your solution?” Danielle asks.
“I am going to give you my car and I am going to buy a new car for
me,” I said.
Danielle looks at me with shock regarding my solution. Danielle
could not believe what was happening.
“No, no I can’t” Danielle states.
I grab Danielle by her hands, staring into her beautiful eyes,
“Look at me, I can do this. Time is running out. You have to be at
work. Without a vehicle you’ll lose your job based on what you are telling
me,”
Danielle looks at me. Tears once again fill her eyes.
“No one has ever done this for me. Why would you do this for me?”
I smile, looking at this beautiful woman,
“I hate that you were mistreated by others. I’m doing this because I
love you. I will not allow you to lose your job; if I can do anything I
will stop this,” I said.
Danielle looks at me as she leans her head into my chest and arms
crying.
“Why are you crying, honey?” I ask.
“ I’ve never had anyone love me like you do, Kat. I am so happy that I
am your true love and that we are married and will do this in front of
everyone.” Danielle replies as she gently kisses me.
I sigh knowing that I just provided the solution out of this tedious
problem. If there is a will there is a way. Danielle looks at me in the eyes,
“I am so happy that Spirit finally answered my prayers and gave you
to me.” Danielle cries even more.
I continue to hold Danielle in my arms. Her son is in my living room.
My thoughts are complete as I hold my girlfriend, my wife. This is what
family was about in my perspective. Family in my eyes was about being
there for one another.
“Danielle, we go through darkness to find the light. I’ll never let you
down,” I assert strongly.
Danielle smiles at me as she wiping her tears away. Gently she lays
me back on my bed lying on top of me, kissing me. Danielle stops looking
into my eyes.
“You are so special to me. You’ve been through such evil and yet you
came out so beautiful so loving. Thank you for you.”
Danielle and I sit up in bed as she checks on her son in my living
room. I tell her that we need to go outside and drive my car.
She looks at me with curiosity.
“I do know how to drive a stick” Danielle smirks.
I laugh,
“Yes, you may however when they installed the new engine it was an
automatic engine and the car was a stick so my shade tree mechanics
converted it to make it work.
Danielle looks at me oddly,
“Okay, that’s different.”
“It drives like an automatic but it shifts weird,” I state.
We walk outside as I give Danielle the keys to my car Miranda.
Danielle drives around the complex with ease. I smile at Danielle as she is
driving around. The fact that she had no problem driving the vehicle led me
to believe that this was a sign from Spirit. This was all meant to be.
Everything happens for a reason. Danielle gets out of the vehicle looking at
me.
“Are you sure?”Danielle asks.
I nod my head in assurance as we walk back inside my apartment.
“Yes. What I will do is put my new vehicle on my insurance
and I’ll pay for the insurance on your car now.”
Danielle looks at me,
“I, I...”
“That way you’ve a break. You’ve been saying you can’t seem to
catch a break. Well I am giving it to you. And I am paying for your
insurance from this point on. Now you have a break.”
Danielle becomes emotional hugging me. I could see that her son was
making a connection that we were just more than friends.
That night, Danielle and I rearranged our schedules so that she could
take me to work until I bought my new car. The night came and Danielle
drops me off at my restaurant I. She meets my head server Maria.
I will always remember what Maria told Danielle in the parking lot.
Maria was the type of woman that just told you like it was. She did not care
if you didn’t like it or if it hurt your feelings. Maria often had other servers
upset over her style of communication. The irony was that customers adored
Maria. Customers would walk out the door if she was not working that day
and come back only when she was on duty. Maria felt like she had a duty to
tell you what was on her mind. In looking back, Maria somehow knew what
Danielle was going to do.
“Well, well it’s nice to finally meet Danielle, the woman that Kat has
changed her whole world for.” Maria states with arrogance.
“Thank you. I do love her. She is great.” Danielle states.
I remember Maria just looking at Danielle standoffish. Two Mexican
women were standing their ground. It was awkward on several levels. I
couldn’t understand why Maria was being so standoffish. She has never
been that way with me.
“I hope you do love her. I would hate to think that you were just using
her, giving her empty promises because you know she never had family,”
Maria states crossing her arms.
Danielle looks at Maria with a weird look on her face as though she
had been caught.
“I would never do that to, Kat.” Danielle argues.
“We’ll see. Nice meeting you” Maria said walking off.
I look at Danielle apologizing for Maria’s behavior. Danielle kisses
me in the parking lot, hugging me,
“I love you baby. Have a great night.”
The next day on September 30, 2011 I went to the dealership and for
two hours I fought to get a vehicle. Finally I met the owner of the lot. He
looks at me with concern.
“It’s hard with your credit to get you a vehicle.”
“Look I already gave my car to my girlfriend. I need a car. I am trying
to help here. There has to be a solution.” I argue.
The owner shakes his head and suddenly realizes what I am saying.
“Wait, you gave your car away leaving you with no vehicle. Then
prayed that you would come here and get one?”
I smile,
“Yes, it’s called a leap of faith.” I said.
“I’ve never seen anyone do that,” He replies.
The owner works another two hours and finally qualifies me for a
2002 Dodge Mini Van. The condition was that I had to put 2000 dollars
down. I placed 500 down. The next three paychecks I would have to give
500. I rearranged all my bills and in some cases did not pay a few bills to
make this happen. I never let Danielle know that I had to pay over 2,000 to
make it happen. A lot of my friends helped make it happen. My friends were
amazed that I had such faith to help someone. I was determined to make sure
that Danielle would not lose her job. In the process I have been set
financially back.
I remember what the owner said when we closed the deal on my
vehicle,
“I wish there were more people like you. Never have I seen such an
act of kindness”
I simply responded,
“It’s the honorable thing to do. I had the ability to help and I did. How
many of you can help someone and you walk away?”
ROMANTIC NIGHTS
The times that I spent with Danielle were filled with Romance,
randomness and adventure. In the truest sense Danielle had turned me out, a
sexual awakening to my womanhood. It was like Tandem Jumping out of an
airplane with the adrenaline pumping. You receive a high. Together we
explored one another in every sense of the matter on all levels of our bodies,
friendship and relationship. It was a bond of deep rooted connection.
We met on her days off. Our schedules were so crazy due to the hours
that we worked. I’d call or text Danielle my schedule every Monday and she
would tell me hers. We had our time at least one to two days a week. During
the week we always called one another or texted. Danielle saw our time
together as precious. In the third week of the relationship, I gave Danielle a
copy my apartment key. When Danielle worked on my side of town she
would visit me during her lunch hour which happened a lot.
One morning I woke Danielle for work. Danielle had a difficult time
waking up to her alarm clock. I agreed to help her by calling her every
morning which became a ritual to us. She always told me
“I love you waking me and wish I was next to you.”
“Me too” I said.
“When you go to bed this morning, be naked so on my lunch hour I
can come for desert,” Danielle requests.
It was twelve noon as I slept peacefully when suddenly I feel
something in my bed. Suddenly Danielle jumps on top of me, kissing me. It
was an intense hour of sex, and love. Danielle is getting dressed when she
sits next to me on the bed.
“I love you and love that you are naked waiting for me.”
“I’m yours,” I respond.
“We are each other’s soul mate,” Danielle responds.
I remember one morning we were together and she had received a call
from work and had to leave. She was annoyed and pissed that she had to go.
Danielle is getting dressed. We are standing next to my bedroom window
when she places her hand on my heart.
“Do you feel that?” She asks.
“Yes your hand on my heart,” I respond.
Danielle smiles, caressing my face softly.
“I love you, and will always be here for you. I want you to know this,
feel this and believe this,” she states strongly.
I look her intensely.
“I know that you love me,” I said.
“I’m your family now, and my family is your family. We will, I will
always protect you, and adore you,” Danielle states as she kisses me and
leaves going to work.
Danielle was soft spoken in her words to me. She always knew how to
look into my eyes, and smile.
For our third month anniversary, I bought Danielle a pure turquoise
necklace with a poem that I had written to her. Danielle’s eyes beamed with
excitement over the necklace. I had worked 80 hours that week to purchase
the gift. We lay down on my floor, with a candle lit and began talking about
life, relationships and us.
“In my past, my exes always saw me as ugly, cheated on me and left,”
Danielle whispers with sadness in her voice.
“I’m not like that,” I respond.
“No you’re not. You’re special, loving and kind,” she responds as she
looks off to the side. I caress her face so she knew I was there for her.
She looks back at me,
“What did I ever do to deserve you?” she asks.
“You loved me!” I said.
Danielle smiles,
“You’re easy to love, to touch, to hold, to be your wife is a gift.”
“I know the feeling because of my evil family that abused me,” as I
sighed with a touch of sadness.
“I’ll never hurt you. You’re mine.”
Danielle kisses me as we become intimate with each other. Two hours
pass with our intimate adventure on the floor as Danielle showed me sexual
positions for a stronger orgasm. I’m thirsty from our adventure on the floor.
I walk into the kitchen drinking diet coke. Danielle joins me in the kitchen.
She seems concerned.
“I don’t want you drinking soda because it’s bad for your health.”
I look at her thinking okay. Danielle holds my face looking into my
eyes.
“Promise me that you will stop drinking soda”
I promised Daniel that I would never drink soda again. She kisses me
as she throws my soda out. She turns to me once more in the kitchen.
“Remember, I will know if you drink soda because we feel each other.
You are making a promise to me, your wife and soul mate. Soul mates never
break their promises to one another.” Danielle stated. I agree to the promise.
There was a particular day in October that I was having a hard day at
work. Customers were rude and my night servers were being drama queens.
I am in the kitchen cooking when my server, Lena bursts into the kitchen.
“Boss Lady, you need to get out of the kitchen.”
I scoff at her,
“Why?”
Lena points to the dining room straight ahead.
“Just look out the galley Boss Lady. Damn she’s Boss Lady. Good
job.”
Danielle is sitting in booth 22 which was right in front of the galley
where you could see into the kitchen. I smile seeing my lady there. She was
dressed all in black. Her hair was down. She always knew I loved seeing her
hair down. Lena took over cooking as I left the kitchen to join Danielle.
I sit down smiling.
“What’s wrong, honey?” I ask.
“Work was difficult and everything always falls on me as the team
captain,” Danielle replies. Danielle was a team captain for a prominent
catering company in San Antonio, Texas.
“You’re here now, and that’s all that matters,” I say.
Danielle reaches with her left hand, grabbing my hand. She squeezes
my hand.
“All that I could think of was you, being next to you, breathing you,
touching you. You are what helped me make it through this day. When I got
off I had to come to you.”
Lena prepares a meal for Danielle as I ask the servers to get Danielle
an un-sweet tea. Ten minutes later, Lena brings her meal as she is eating. It
was a Tilapia with white rice. Danielle loved white rice. We began talking
about work.
“What food don’t you like? I want to make you dinner sometime,”
Danielle asks.
“I’m not picky. Just don’t serve me escargot or white rice,” I
commented. Danielle has a puzzled look on her face then realizes the rice
had to do with my past.
“What did they do to you?”
“My mother forced me to eat maggots as child. She said I was a
bastard child she hated and couldn’t stand the sight of me,” I said.
Danielle puts her fork down.
“Honey! Your mother was wrong. You’re not a bastard. I have you
now and I love you,” Danielle remarks.
Danielle finishes her meal while I pay for the ticket plus tip to the
server when Jack comes up to me. Jack is one of my primary servers on
Graveyard. He is a guy that one does not want to mess with. He stands six
feet and 300 pounds, well built with a beard. He is a bouncer at his second
job. Jack was chosen for our graveyard shift because of the problems that we
have been having with the drunks. Danielle and I are standing next to booth
22.
“So Kat, this your lady?”
“Pardon him please, he is very direct,” I say.
“I like that. Yes, I’m her girlfriend,” Danielle says as she shakes
Jack’s hand.
“I’ve heard a lot about you,” Jack says standing there like he was
holding a booth up.
“Kat has told me that you help keep her safe here with the rowdy
people,”
“Yes, Kat is always right and I keep an eye on her,”
Danielle looks at me then walks up to Jack.
“Make me a promise, Jack,” Danielle demands.
Jack and I look at one another as to the nature of this request.
“Okay,” Jack responds hesitantly.
“I need to know that you’ll protect her. I want Kat coming home to
me every night. I don’t want a phone call that she’s been hurt. She’s the love
of my life. I’ll hold you personally liable if something happens to her and I
don’t think you want to deal with me,” Danielle states staring into Jacks
eyes.
Jack doesn’t know what to think of Danielle’s question slash threat.
He backs up a step,
“You truly love her? You won’t leave her?” Jack asks.
At this point, I am feeling awkward. There are two people going back
and forth over my love and safety.
“Yes, I love Kat. I’ll never hurt her. I wished for her,” Danielle
answers.
Jack raises his head.
“Done, I’ll protect Kat with my life and as a spiritual brother, I will
protect her on all levels physically and spiritually,” Jack states.
Danielle and Jack hug one another.
“Good,”
Danielle and I walk outside the restaurant. She smiles at me in a way
that I knew I was safe. Her conversation with Jack was unexpected. She
pushes to the left of the restaurant to walk that way. We walk to the left of
the restaurant on the side.
“Is there any cameras here? Much traffic?” Danielle asks.
“No camera and no traffic by this side of the restaurant. Why?” I ask.
Danielle leans against the wall, grabbing me by my vest and shirt,
pulling me into her. She begins kissing me on the neck. We kiss
passionately. She rolls me over as my back is now against the wall. She
begins to caress my breasts.
“You’re so naughty,”
“Yes and I like being on top of you,” Daniel responds kissing me on
my neck as she begins to work her way down my shirt.
“You were so romantic inside with Jack,”
She continues as she works her way back up my neck, whispering into
my ear,
“You’re mine and I want nothing happening to you.”
Suddenly, she opens the upper part of my shirt and proceeds to kiss
me so hard that she leaves a bruise, a mark on my chest. It turns me on even
further. She lets go after a few minutes, smiling,
“Something to remember me by until we are together again. And
every time we are together, I’ll give you this.”
I smile looking down,
“Your mark, you’re branding me. I love it,” I said.
Danielle’s mark became another staple in our relationship. Every time
after this night she would leave a mark. It was a private sexual thing between
us. I would know that I was hers. The mark couldn't be seen by public as she
always left it under my shirt.
Danielle and I French kiss for a while then start laughing like school
girls. The intoxication of being naughty at my work place was exciting and
thrilling. I have never done that before while I was on the clock let alone
outside where we could be discovered publicly. An adventure that sparked
an even deeper love. Danielle drove home as I returned back to my job
inside. I beamed and bounced as a new kid that just received a toy.
ONE VOICE, ONE SOUL
There was a sense thrill and daring when I was with Danielle. I felt
intoxicated being in her presence. Her energy, her passion surges through
my veins awakening every cell of my DNA that had once been asleep. I felt
like I was changing and happy as I emerged as a butterfly from a cocoon. I
realized for the first time that I was in love. Everything was right in the
world.
In the past I had relationships however this one was different. When I
divorced my ex wife in 2004 after a ten year dead marriage, life seemed dull.
My ex wife was a marriage of convience. I was 22 years old at the time and
it was something to do, to get married. We were never compatible. The sex
was bland like vanilla ice cream. Her version of sexuality was only with a
vibrator performed on her. Occasionally she wanted a strap on however no
performance was ever done unto me. I was trapped like animal in a cage that
only stayed out of comittment. Four years into the marriage and we had
become roommates at best. Five years into the marriage, my ex wife
discovered Reiki. She started becoming abusive claiming that Reiki was
channeling my mother. My ex wife was messed up in the brain. When I
finally left her in 2004, I vowed never to get married and to stay away from
Reiki.
I am telling Danielle about my ex wife when she holds my hands.
“She was a bitch. If I ever see her, she will have a Mexican to deal
with,” Danielle said.
That night Danielle and I went to a lesbian business owner networking
meeting. We met every third Tuesday of the month. Everyone introduced
themselves and how they knew about the meeting. The last one to be
introduced was Danielle.
“Hello, I’m Danielle. Kat introduced me. I am a team captain for a
catering company. I know because we have been dating for a few months
and I love her.” I look at Danielle with surprise.
Afterwards, Danielle and I head back to my apartment.
“You shocked me by telling everyone that you loved me, and with
me.” Danielle is driving as she smiles, turning her head to me.
“I want everyone to know about me.”
I take a sigh because Danielle has yet to tell her family about me. We
go back to my apartment where we continue the conversation which I bring
up.
“When will you tell your family,” I ask with a down trodden voice.
“Honey, you have to understand,” Danielle responds. We sit down
eating as we went to subway on the way home.
“My family is judgmental and I just got out of a relationship three
months prior to meeting you and I don’t want them to judge. I want to
slowly introduce you.”
I understood leaving it at Danielle’s discretion to introduce me.
In the coming week, I introduced Danielle to Andy online. Andy is
my friend that I have known for three years. We have never met in person as
he lives in Australia. I consider him my brother that I never had and always
refer to him as my brother. One evening I shared a secret with my brother.
While Danielle and I had said our vows in private, I wanted to go larger. She
had often mentioned how her past relationship didn’t treat her right or put
her first. I planned on getting on my hands and knees at the next meeting in
November in front of the business group and propose publicly with
engagement rings, flowers and a poem. I had already spoken to the bartender
and we have a nice wine bottle waiting for her. The rings were going to be
engraved with words. The key to the rings being engraved was our vows to
one another. I needed Andy to text Danielle and somehow find out what
Danielle’s vows would be if she was ever to marry me. My brother is always
so clever. My brother discovered what Danielle would say. I immediately
took her vows and had them engraved on our rings.
November 9, 2011 arrived as I kept practicing, and role playing the
evening where I would give Danielle the engagement rings. I had the
evening all planned out. When it came to introducing me, I would get on my
hands and knees handing the engagement rings to Danielle. The evening
came and Danielle never showed up like she had promised. It was odd as
Danielle never broke a promise before. I called her and she was emotional.
She had an overbearing mother who had gotten into her face. It was a mess
at home. Immediately, I took the rings and flowers driving to her house.
Upon arriving at her house, she was sitting on the white swing chair to the
side of the front door. She was visibly upset.
“I’m sorry honey I know you had some surprise.”
I look at her and get down on my knees, proposing to her. Danielle
starts crying lifting me up onto my two feet. Slowly I begin to open the box
containing our rings. She reads the inscriptions, handing me her ring. Gently
I take her left hand, placing her engagement ring on her wedding ring finger.
Danielle takes the other ring placing it on my left hand, wedding ring finger.
She smiles,
“One Voice, One Soul, Together We Fly” Those were the words, her
vows to me, engraved on the ring. Danielle cries in my arms,
“I will marry you publicly, You are my wife.” We kiss passionately
then walk to the chair, talking.
A week later, there was surprise that I was completely shocked by.
Danielle is lying on her stomach, nude, under my blanket on the left
side of my bed. Her long black hair flows down her back. She turns her head
to me,
“Honey, I have a surprise for you.”
Smiling, I turn to face her slowly, pulling down the blanket on me.
“Kat, you’re distracting me.”
“Awww, me distract you?” I ask.
She shakes her head.
“I spoke with Andy’s father, and next summer, he is coming to San
Antonio, to officiate the wedding and walk you down the aisle,”
I become emotional that Danielle would go out of her way to do this.
“I love you.”
“I love you.”
Everything was official as we moved forward in our love. All Daniel
and I spoke about was our future together, what our life would be like. There
was no communication of disappointment or that she wanted out. My friends
fell in love with Danielle because how she treated me, cared and how we
were together as a couple. My brother Andy even sent me a message about
us,
“I thought I knew what a soul mate felt like. I knew nothing without
you tow as a role model, I would not know what to look for”
We were role models of true love, and a great relationship.
CHRISTMAS 2011
Dec. 25, 2011: Journal Entry
This year will be different, dearest Journal. Christmas has been a
memorable moment with Daniele because it changed how I felt towards this
holiday at the time. Finally I can spend a holiday with the love of my life.
I always avoided Christmas, journal. It always had been a horrible
experience for me in my past. I was raised in a very dysfunctional and
abusive home where I was tortured, raped, beaten and my bones broken.
During the holidays I was abused more because my mother Kendra said I
needed to be taught a lesson. Kendra’s lesson was that I was unworthy of
love and did not deserve holidays. I was the only child in my generation to
have survived such an ordeal. I feared Christmas because of the memories.
Most significantly Christmas reminded me of Sarah, my murdered sister. By
the time I had truly remembered Sarah’s death, Kendra; my mother had
passed away from Ovarian Cancer. No punishment could be charged to
Kendra as she was deceased.
On December 25th, 1979 I had written a letter to Santa Claus. In the
letter I had asked Santa Claus for a gift. I did not want a toy. I wanted Santa
to tell someone about what was happening to my sister, Sarah and me. I had
hoped that someone would rescue us. I was so happy. I thought that someone
would finally hear me and rescue us.
On the morning of December 25, 1979 I had received a bloodied bag
that had a tag from Santa Claus. Inside the bloodied bag was the decapitated
head of my sister, Sarah. I threw up at the sight of Sarah’s head. I was
mortified that my letter might have killed my sister.
I was seven years old. Kendra my mother said that it was a teaching
tale to not tell anyone about the abuse that was going on in our home. The
abuse was foul like sulfur that had permeated the very air that one breathes.
I told Danielle what happened to Sarah. Danielle upset about what I
had suffered. I shared with her the poem ROJO which described Sarah’s
death in detail. The poem ROJO can found in my book on Kindle entitled:
Tabula Rasa Mee Nah: Extraordinary Measures. Every holiday, and birthday
the family found some new way to torture me or to kill an animal. It was
their way of trying to break my soul, and my spirit. I feared holidays. I
would always have nightmares prior to them coming around. I would relive
the memories of what I went through.
Danielle seemed doubtful at first of what I went through due to the
extremity of abuse. Danielle met with my friends and spoke with Andy, my
brother, who confirmed to her what I had gone through. Danielle said that
she was going to show me a new experience of Christmas. She said that
everyone should have a new experience. She said that what I went through
was horrible. Danielle wanted showed me it was okay to celebrate
Christmas. She was going to have me celebrate this holiday with her family
now my family because we were soul mates and were engaged to be
married.
Christmas was approaching and I had looked all over for a Christmas
present for Danielle. I couldn’t decide what to get her. At the last minute I
decided to give her my laptop, a Toshiba Satellite computer. I knew that
Danielle never had one of her own before and from experience I knew what
it felt like to not have things that others had. My child hood experience
showed me that.
You would have laughed if you had seen me trying to wrap Danielle’s
Christmas present on Christmas day. After much clumsiness, I called my
friend Jelly. We always called her Jelly because her advice had always
seemed to stick with us like jelly to peanut butter. Jelly chuckled as she gave
me instructions over the cell phone on how to wrap a present.
“Do you need me to come over there and show you?” Jelly asks.
“No just walk me through it like you are teaching someone how to
make a Famous star burger at work.”
Jelly laughs as I wrap the present. I tried to find scotch tape and put it
all nice and neat. After wrapping the present I decided to write Danielle a
love letter to go with the gift.
The letter read:
“My dearest Danielle,
You are without a doubt the best gift I have ever received in this life
that I have lived. Thank you for all that you do, and all that you are.
Thank you for loving me. I am so in love and will love you and honor
you and all that you are along with your family, your birdie, and your
cat to the end of time. I know that we don’t always have the private
time that we would like with one another. Know that I shall wait for
you to the end of time because it does not matter if I have 30 seconds
or two hours with you. I am blessed.
The only gift I could ever ask for in life is to walk by your side and to
be with you and be in your life, loving you.
All the evil I have seen all the death I have seen has been worth the
experience because I found you. I want you to know that I shall be a
rock that never cracks and I will be here when you need someone to
talk with, to yell at, and to breathe fire. I am here for you. I am yours
forever.
This laptop is special. It is the best laptop that I have had and taken
care of. It is fully loaded with the programs. I am waiting on the
internet and when I get that I will give it to you. Then you will be able
to go online. I have a 2 year contract with clear for both of the laptops.
Now you can have your “Danielle” private moments on the laptop. I
said it would change your life because having a laptop has been
such a great gift to me. This laptop is sturdy and is the best of the best
when I got it. I wanted to give you something that meant a lot to me to
give to you and it was this laptop.
Know that you are so special to me; you are so amazing in all that you
do. I want you to be happy and smile knowing that I love and want
you to be proud of me. The greatest joy to me is “to please you in all
ways” wink!!
I know that I am hard to understand at times. Just know that you are
the only one that has ever caught my attention and thank you for
giving me new experiences and opening your family, your heart and
soul to me. Know that we have the greatest journey ahead of us.
Thank you for asking me to be a part of your life and family and for
saying yes to the engagement rings. Thank you for your soul
words. I love you so dearly. You once said that I amaze you how I
love you. My beloved it is you that amaze me at how you love me. I
will arrange time and space for you just so you can smile, dropping
rose pedals at your feet so that for every breath you take you know
that you are loved by me.
Thank you. I love you dearly.
Your soul mate and love,
KAT
12.25.2011”
Danielle sits on the black couch looking at the laptop in amazement.
Her eyes gleam with excitement. I had placed accessories into the laptop
bag. I may not be wealthy however; I worked overtime to ensure that
Danielle had the things that she wanted. There was much joy in my soul that
I wanted to cry. The moment was precious in the feeling, the love and the
joy. Danielle was so amazing on how she treated me and loved me.
In looking back, there was a moment that didn’t seem right to me. It
felt very wrong and went beyond not introducing me to the family. In the
moment, I passed it off as my insecurity in my relationship and that I just
needed to believe. I should have listened to my instincts. It was a moment of
puzzlement when Danielle’s mother called. Danielle told bragged to her
mother that she had just bought a laptop, the one that I had just given her for
Christmas. The feeling of rejection went to the very core of being because I
am the one that just gave her the gift. Why would Danielle not tell her
mother that she received a lap top from her girlfriend, her finance? I tried to
understand. Danielle hangs up the phone with her mother seeing the look in
my eyes.
“Why did you lie to your mother? I’m the one that gave you the gift.
Are you ashamed of me?” I asked.
Danielle comes over to me,
“ Honey, I don’t want the family to know about you yet. “
“When Danielle? I understand that when we first got together that you
wanted to slowly introduce me to the family as your girlfriend.” I said.
“We’ve had this talk before. You know that I was just out of a
relationship with Donna. I didn’t want my family to judge me. You don’t
understand Mexican families,” Danielle quipped.
I look away, sighing,
“I understand because I know how people can be judgmental.
However, you wear our engagement rings. We are to be married. You told
people that you loved me,” I stated.
Danielle kisses me,
“You know I love you, and yes you are my wife and we are going to
have a ceremony in front of people. Just wait here,” Danielle stated as she
went to her bedroom. She came out with a gift for me.
“I don’t think you should open the present here in front of the
children. You can peak however it’s for a special time,” Danielle smiled.
Inside the box was black, laced, sexy lingerie. The way Danielle
looked at me when I took the gift off to the side and peaked was a
mischievous child. A huge smile came over me as I went to hug Danielle as
she whispers into my ear,
“Now you can wear it the next time we have a private moment. We
can really play and I’ll show you how much I really love you.”
The gift put my doubt to ease as I told myself that my mind was
playing tricks on me. Danielle did love me. She just had to say that to
placate her mother who Danielle said was overbearing. The rest of the
evening was filled with drinks as I watched Danielle cook a duck dinner. It
was a feast like no other. My dreams of family were here now and I am truly
blessed. For the first time I had a Christmas with family. Just a week prior,
Danielle invited me to come over as the children show me how to put lights
on a Christmas tree. I had never done that before. Today I have the most
wonderful girlfriend and finance to be. I was blessed. Thank you to the
greatest powers that be for this wonderful experience of knowing what
Christmas meant.
Christmas would be the last time that Danielle and I were ever
intimate together. I look back upon the situation asking myself if there was a
reason that Danielle didn’t want me to come over in the morning of
Christmas 2011 as we had planned. Did she have the other woman there first
in the morning and I was a side bar? I find myself taking a deep breath
knowing now that I was a side bar entrée. The truth was that Danielle didn’t
want her family to know because I was the other woman. I had blown off the
incident with the laptop because I thought Danielle wouldn’t hurt me like
that. She promised me that she would never hurt me. I had wanted to believe
her so badly that I blinded myself to the truth that was in front of me. I
utilized the evidence of our engagement, the rings, the car and the way she
talked of how she loved me to validate that our relationship was solid.
In the beginning when I was writing this memoir, I wished Danielle
had not thrown me away so easily. If my friend Bryan was alive today, he
would have said something similar.
“We cannot fight the battle of what if. What we can do is fight to be
honorable and pray that we have touched but one life so no one forgets who
we were.”
Today I realize it was never about Danielle throwing me away. It was
about a delicate game of using and manipulation. Danielle was using me to
get what she wanted in her life and she knew that I would do it because of
my love for her. At the time, I was blinded by her actions because I wanted
so desperately to be loved that I was willing to accept any form of abuse by
her just so I can say that I have a great girlfriend.
ROJO POEM
The poem Rojo really meant a lot to me during the Christmas
Holiday. I shared this poem with Danielle. She understood and helped me
through Christmas. It is only honorable that I include it here in this memoir.
Rojo was my poetic essay that described my account of how my sister was
murdered.
ROJO
©5.23.2006
(In the book Tabula Rasa Mee Nah: Extraordinary Measures)
AUTHOR NOTE:
This is dark poetic essay dealing with an actual event that I experienced in my life. The
way she was killed is actually in the writing below. Not really poetic essay as it is a real
event. However my sister deserves to be remembered. My sister was killed brutally by
my biological mother and this is that memory of the event. I used poetry so that her story
would be forgotten. May my sister’s soul rest in peace.
ROJO
Children possess certain innocence about them. They see the world in a playful
state. It is in this state that relearning processes begin and develop. There are certain
realities that some children should not have to see or experience. Rojo is one of those
instances. In Spanish, ROJO means RED. Blood is the color of red. It runs through our
very being and spills just as easy.
It is the morning of December 25, 1979. There is a child of 7 years waiting for
this day. The child awakens hoping that maybe the rumored Santa Claus has arrived with
some gifts under a tree that does not exist. Maybe Santa knew the poverty stricken state
of the child and he would take pity and still leave a gift for this child. The child looks
around the hall way in a beat up two story mansion. There is nothing but the smells of
urine of the dogs and certain sadness begins to set in on the child.
The grandmother and mother come down the stairs,
“Sit down. Santa has brought you a special gift just for you,” the mother states.
The child sits down nervously. A certain hope begins to build in this child. Santa
did come after all. What did he leave?
In the middle of the hallway, the child is sitting waiting anxiously. The mother
grins and underneath the bench in the hallway she pulls out a red bag. The mother smiles
at the child.
“Santa saw your letter that you left. What was it again?” the mother says.
The child listens.
“Dear Santa, please come to my house even though it’s dirty.
I will be a good girl. I have been reading the word of Jesus.”
The mother hands the child the bag. The child feels the bag. A certain terror
begins to enter the child. The bag is dripping with red water from it and it’s squishy. The
child begins to open the bag, and immediately upon opening screams. It is the human
head of a five year old girl…her sister.
The mother laughs at the child. The child begins to cry as the mother bends down
to the child.
“Stupid girl, where is your fucking Jesus Christ now? For a god so loving and
protective, he obviously did not protect your sister,” the mother states.
“He’s with me like it says.” The child states.
The mother laughs.
“Really, your sister is dead now because of you. Live with that Bastard,” the
mother states.
“But why did you do this?” the child cries.
“Because bastard children like you don’t deserve a Christmas. We told you not to
tell anyone what we are doing and you wrote a letter to Santa.”
“But its Santa” The child states.
“Now when you are grown, you will remember that red is your sister’s blood.
You will live with this day forever. No one will love you because they will know that
because you wrote Santa your sister was killed.”
The mother grabbed the bag and leaves the house. The blood was still on the
child’s hand. In that moment the reality sat in. To speak to anyone that was going to
cause death. The child cries.
“I am sorry sister, so sorry.”
The child runs into the closet and begins to pray. She prayed for forgiveness that
her sister died due to her sending a letter to Santa Claus.
There are terrors beneath the surface that some children face and we never know
about. Things that go bump in the night and that we know exist however to look at would
only destabilize our perceptions of what normal people do. Rojo the color of blood stains
the child’s soul. This imprint makes her determined to protect all children when she
grows up. That is if she survives. Dear sweet lord, let me live so that as an adult my
words will reach the lives of others. Let me live so that when I love hatred is erased.
APARTMENT FIRE: JANUARY 29th, 2012:
In the weeks following Christmas, Danielle grew distant from me.
There was no rhyme or reason. Everything went cold turkey and no
communication explaining the distance. Danielle began not answering my
wake up calls and would text that she was busy. I grew concerned because
she was my fiancée and love of my life. It was not like Danielle to not
communicate. She always said what was on her mind. When I did reach her
in the wake up calls I asked if she wanted to continue waking her in the
morning. She still wanted me call her everyday to wake her up so that she
wouldn’t be late for work. It was confusing because she would skip my calls.
One day I skipped calling her due to my own job and was blamed for her
tardiness to work. I never skipped a day thereafter. Our conversations were a
mere five minutes at best. Danielle would tell me,
“I ‘m working a lot of overtime honey so that we can have a house
together. I love you.”
The one day that we were to meet for breakfast, Danielle told me she
had to work. A few hours later a friend had informed me that Danielle was
home and there was another car there and I should question why Danielle
lied about being home and having a visitor over when I was her fiancée. I
blew this off as Danielle needing space. In the future I would find out who
was really there.
During this time I had released an e book on Amazon Kindle Store,
called Fireseeds: Black Panther Rising. I even created a character after
Danielle’s strength that I referred to as a dragon. In the book, the dragon
became one of the main characters. The original plotline didn’t have a love
story. I rewrote the entire book to include a powerful love story that
reflected our love story in real life. The book became an international best
seller. I thought of course it would. Love conquers all.
One morning towards the end of January, Danielle told me,
“We need to have a grown up talk!”
My heart sank to the very bottom of my stomach. Briefly the thought
of the other car came into my mind. What was going on? What did Danielle
mean by this statement? A part me knew that she wanted to leave yet I
couldn’t accept that reality. If Danielle wanted to leave then why did she
have all the mystery? Why all the cloak and dagger? Why did she continue
to wear our engagement rings? Why all the words that she still loved me?
“What do you mean, Danielle?” I asked.
“I love you however I feel that I don’t give you enough,” Danielle
responded sadly.
“You do. I told you that I am always here. Whether you give me five
minutes or five seconds, we are together and we can do anything,” I
responded despondently.
“Yes and I love you so much. I need to see you, be with you. Let’s
have a quiet dinner together and spend time with each other.” She
responded. I agreed happily.
We decided on a time to meet on January 29, 2012 and have dinner at
her place to discuss everything. We were going to have an intimate evening
together. I rearranged my entire work schedule and threatened to quit if my
job did not let me have off. My job agreed to my request. The evening came
and Danielle cancelled the evening with us because she had forgotten.
Fate was about to change things and I would experience moment that
be the start of me remembering all of my past. That night I decided to drink
in my apartment. I had two bottles of red merlot. I passed out. I woke up to
an alarm going off. It was so loud yet I was very disorientated because I was
hung over. Just a few hours prior I had consumed two bottles of red merlot. I
was depressed over the events of the evening that had just transpired with
Danielle and me. The fact that she wanted to have a conversation with me, a
private intimate dinner and then Danielle cancelled because she forgot. I
used the alcohol to avoid my pain.
I was supposed to meet Danielle at her house that night for what she
called a grown up talk. However she mysteriously forgotten that Sunday
night was family dinner and she refused to have me over. I thought that it
was odd since she said I was family.
“Do you want me to come over and just chill with you. I did get the
evening off just for you, Danielle,” I asked.
“No, we will meet Tuesday night. Bye, “Danielle stated hanging up
the phone.
A deep rooted sadness began to overcome my soul. Here the woman I
loved that said I was family didn’t want me around her or her family. I was
being rejected. Danielle was abandoning me without telling me why. I could
not comprehend the reason why. I had gone to the Golden Dragon restaurant
earlier in the evening and met with a supposed friend, Ronna. Ronna was my
ex roommate and someone that I didn’t like to deal with. However, in the
moment any company including that of a snake was better than none.
Ronna told me that she had a bad feeling if I stayed the night at my
apartment. I said that I needed to process.
“No you just want to be alone, sad, and drink. I’m telling you,
this woman is breaking you. She is just using you.”
I looked at Rona with disgust. This was my time to have true love. I
was not going to have someone take it away from me.
“No, she loves me. She took my rings, and the car. She said that I am
her soul mate. She promised that she would never do that.” I stated.
Rona looked at me,
“Not everyone is as honorable as you. You are so naive. People are
still evil. Please stay the night at my house. I least I can be there for you
when you drink. You know how sometimes you get sad when you drink.”
I ignored Rona and went home.
The alarm was still going off. I woke up and I could hardly breathe or
see. Smoke had filled the apartment. The alarm was in fact the smoke alarm.
I was hung over and disorientated. All I could remember was what the hell
caught fire. I stumbled into the kitchen and flames had engulfed the pantry.
My immediate reaction was,
“OMG where is my cat…SKY…SKY,”
I called out and he did not come. I had to find my cat. I began
panicking and where was Sky? He is my cat. I made it to the front door and
the maintenance man was there.
“OMG you are alive. Your apartment is on fire. You have to leave.”
He said.
“My cat, my cat” I repeated.
“Ma’am your cat is most likely dead. You have to leave.”
“Fuck you. I will find him,” I said slamming the door to my
apartment, going into the dining room.
The smoke was heavier in the dining room. It was thick as I could
barely breathe. It suddenly hit me as I looked around seeing all the flames. I
was not going to make it out alive. I knew at this moment, I was going to
die. I remember laughing because I survived my mother to be bested by a
fire. How appropriate that I should go out like this.
I reached for my cell phone and called Danielle. She did not answer
and I left a message.
“Danielle, I want you to know that I love. My apartment is on fire and
I am in the kitchen. I am trapped and cannot see my way out. I don’t think I
am going to make it out alive. Realize that you are the love of my life and
thank you for your love.” I hung up. She never did call back.
There were people outside trying to break in the apartment screaming
“Ma’am come back to the door.”
I remember someone shouting outside the door.
“She will die,”
I staggered from the dining room into the kitchen. The flames were
huge. The washer had caught fire. The heat was as intense as the smoke
filled my lungs. I thought about Danielle. She did not answer her phone or
my text. Why? I thought about how I was not invited to her family dinner
and that we were to meet on Tuesday to have a grown up talk. It hit me like
a ton of bricks. She was going to give up on our relationship because she
told me that she had felt she was not enough for me. I didn’t want to bear
this sadness. The smoke fills my lungs as I collapse to the floor,
“Forgive me for not making it out alive,” I started to cry.
They always say your life flashes in front of you prior to death. I fell
to the floor due to the smoke inhalation. Suddenly I began see images of
when I was child, the days of college, my old friends who never made it to
my age due to death or suicide. I saw images of when I first moved to Texas.
A chill filled the apartment. It was odd since there was a fire. I felt
something in the apartment. It was a presence like a ghost. I look up, and
there was a light. A figure appeared before me. It was a child. Oh sweet
Lord Jesus. It was Sarah, my murdered sister. That was impossible, I
thought. I saw Sarah’s head in my hands when I was a child. Jesus Christ, I
had received her head as a Christmas present from Santa Claus. I fear Santa
Claus to this day because of that incident. I thought how strange that I
should die and Sarah helps me to cross over.
“Sarah, you’re dead? I couldn’t stand up and you died. Forgive me,” I
said.
Sarah had not aged past ten years. She smiled and looked at me,
“They killed me not you.”
I start to cry.
“Because I couldn’t stand and then I wrote the letter to Santa”
Sarah gets on her knees next to me.
“Because they broke your back, sister. The letter to Santa was just an
excuse to give you my head. Mom always played with our minds. You
know that. I know you tried to save me and I love you for that. Kat,
please forgive yourself,” Sarah said.
I started to stand but then I thought of Danielle.
“Danielle is going to leave because I failed her. I wasn’t strong
enough for her. She could not handle what I went through,” I said.
“Kat, you promised me and the other children that you
would live to tell our Story so no one will ever forget, you promised
me. Remember the dandelion” Sarah said.
“But Danielle,” I cried.
“Honor begets honor. Soon you will see why Danielle is not what she
promises. She has a dark soul. KAT, STAND UP. YOU MUST LIVE.
You promised me, and you always keep your promises,” Sarah stated.
“Why?” I gasped.
“KAT STAND UP. YOU PROMISED ME. Besides there is a family
that will need you. NOW STAND UP!” Sarah yells.
Suddenly I stand up, grabbed water and started pouring it on the fire. I
do not know where my strength came from. The fire starts to diminish. I
manage to walk to the front door, opening it. There is a fireman with an ax
who grabbed me. The other firefighter went for my cat. He knew where my
cat was, hiding in the hallway closet.
I can’t help but think that Sara’s spirit was actually there with me in
that fire. I remember Sarah fighting for me to stand up. I once did the same
thing for her. I remember Sarah telling me and reminding me of my promise.
What is this family that Sarah was talking about that needed me? I knew as
well as Sara that if I thought there was someone that needed my help I would
stand up. It wasn’t my time to die. I would not understand why Sarah would
say honor would begat honor. I would not understand why Sarah would say
that Danielle was not what she promises.
Danielle should have called to see if I was okay. Danielle never called
me. When I had asked her in the following days about why she did not call
me back, Danielle said,
“I fell asleep,”
“But you didn’t even call me when you woke,”
“You are alive right,” She said.
My friends were disturbed by that fact that I tried to excuse Danielle
not calling me. When Danielle and I would meet for that the grown talk
Danielle said,
“I felt guilty because I thought I wanted to burn our relationship out
Of my mind. Perhaps my energy caused that fire.”
This was an omen of things to come.
WAITING
THAT FATEFUL DAY JANUARY 31, 2012:
I remember this fateful day like it was yesterday. The day that
Danielle and I would talk would change my entire life. It would become a
memory burned into me like a brand. Branding was always a trigger of a
memory to my past. Kendra, used to brand the children that she wanted to
molest or sell into prostitution. The children that were bought for my family
were branded to show that they were cattle. Each brand represented a
financial dollar amount to be paid for by the males. Something happened in
that fire. I was beginning to have flashbacks to my childhood of abuse. My
memories were coming back. Why did the fire trigger this? My mind
couldn’t process this at the moment as I was concerned about Danielle.
I was nervous that morning as I went to Danielle’s house to talk about
the future of our relationship. I felt based on what she told me that she was
not allowing herself true love. I had prepared a speech which I never got to
tell her. In hindsight there was a paragraph in the speech that seemed ironic
now as I look back on it. In the part of the speech, I asked Danielle is there
someone else?
I met with Danielle at her house. When I arrived at Danielle’s house
we talked about the new dogs that she had gotten. Underneath my clothes I
wore the Christmas present that she gave me. I thought I can reach Danielle.
I thought that I could show her that she is worthy of true love. We talked
about work, how things seemed to be bogging her down. We began talking
about the prior week when she was having a crappy day at work on January
17. We talked about how it went down. At the time, I wanted Danielle’s day
to improve. It came to me. I called a friend and asked them to drop a
bouquet of flowers off at the convention center. Well on the day of the 18 th,
this so called friend ran out of gas. I had to go all the way to Converse, pick
the flowers up and deliver it myself. When I called the catering group that
Danielle worked for they had said that I would have to deliver the flowers
myself to the kitchen of the convention center. I thought hmmm now what
kind of surprise is that? I decided to be bold. I walked up the concierge of
the Grand Hyatt and said that I was expected to be in a meeting and here is
20 dollars cash tip if you could deliver these flowers to Danielle in the
convention. The concierge beamed with a radiant smile and said,
“She is one lucky woman to have someone like you.”
I smiled. Attached to the red roses I had also attached a pack of
Yellow box of American Spirit cigarettes with a note. It read,
My Dearest and Beloved Danielle,
1.18.2012 WED.
I had a service drop these flowers and candy off for you
From me (and yes I wrapped it..lol) (I even wrote them a script
of what to say upon delivery..LOL). I am currently in interview
to leave my current job. (I had to scratch that out and write in I
had to deliver these flowers myself as the florist ran out of gas).
I loved hearing your voice this morning. It was great. I wish
I was there to have ironed your clothes.
I wanted you to have a better day today. I have included a
pack of cigarettes with the dark chocolate and roses in case you
were out…
I know that you were having a crappy yesterday, however
today is a new day with new possibilities. May this delivery give
you new inspirations and new smiles.
Yesterday you said it seemed unfair regarding time spent
with me. KNOW THIS. TIME is nothing compared to you. I am
here and will wait for you for all eternity. If I have to rearrange
heaven and earth by the powers that be, I will. I made a deal with
another manager to have one of my days off coincide with
yours
starting next week. Just knowing that we love one another and that
we each other’s soul mates, amazes me. There will be a time very
soon that every night I can hold you, talk with you in the night
watches, and listen to your heart beat. There will be days that you
might feel overwhelmed, or days that just are shitty. Just know, I am
here. Here is a line from a poem I wrote for you,
“I was dead inside until you showed me extraordinary
measures. Thy own touch, thy own heart tore down the generations of
hatred committed upon me. Your love set me free to become the
woman I was meant to be, so that I might find you, a woman of
substance, of beauty, and greatness.
Take my hand now my love and stand with me by the shores of
life, and together we shall fly for we are one voice, one soul.”(Tabula
Rasa Mee Nah: Extraordinary Measures).
Danielle “Luceta”, I honor you and love you. ….you are special.
There is nothing unfair regarding you. “THE ONLY RIGHT THING,
THE ONLY FAIR THING THAT HAS EVER HAPPENED IN MY
LIFE was and continues TO BE OUR LOVE FOR ONE ANOTHER,
and THAT WE FOUND ONE ANOTHER!!!”
HAVE A GREAT DAY. And soon my love when we do have
private time, I will light candles for you, relax you, and lay the path
with roses. For you are so special. The only thing I ever want is you in
all that you are.
“KAT”
Within an hour of Danielle receiving the flowers and note she texted
“Aww, Honey, thank you. I loved them”
Danielle shared with me that that no one had ever done that before let
alone convince the concierge who just called back to her. Danielle had to go
pick them up. I pull out my cell phone and show her the video that I had just
made. It was the video portfolio of Katherine Symthe. It was called who is
Katherine Symthe: An artist portfolio. As she was watching the video I
noticed her wince at the part in the video where I said
“Blessed by true love” and it showed a picture of her cutting the duck
that she had made for Christmas 2011. I thought to myself that is odd that
she would wince.
When she finished watching the video, Danielle looks at me,
“We need to talk.”
“Okay” I responded.
“We need to change the dynamic of our relationship. I’m over my
head and my children are suffering because I’m not spending time with
them,” Danielle states as she sits on the couch.
“We can still be together. I can help,” I argue.
“I am their provider, not you. I hate my life. I’m not happy. I’m
gaining weight and can’t find the balance in my life,” Danielle argues.
I look at her with curiosity as to why she is doing this.
“I have to make some cuts in my life and unfornately you are one of
those cuts,” Danielle states.
I am in shock. I am a cut. What am I? A budget? This statement came
as a complete shock.
“Are we breaking up?” I asked.
“Yes, we are. I need time and space to figure everything out. My
career is just beginning to take off.” Danielle responds.
I felt like that Danielle was choosing her career over me. I was going
fight for the one I loved.
“You don’t want to do this. You don’t want to do what I did in my
early 30’s choosing career and never knowing true love,” I argue.
Danielle begins to cry which makes me cry. This was not right. I
thought and felt that Danielle convinced herself that she was trapped and
that she was choosing to get rid of true love. I argue with Danielle,
“All of your life you asked for a true love. You found me and even
said you were blessed by me and now you are going to throw it away?”
Danielle cries even more.
“Let’s go outside and smoke a cigarette”
We go outside and sit on the white swinging chair. This chair held
many a memory for us. The nights I would come over and sit with Danielle.
We often discussed what kind of house we wanted and how our future would
look together. This was the chair that Danielle fell to her knees crying when
she took our engagement rings. I remember when she cried, holding me in
her arms telling,
“You are the only woman that I would ever want to marry.”
I sat there on the chair with Danielle. There was a certain silence that
was erry. She looks at me with sadness.
“I am going to fight for us,”
“I know. You always will like I asked you to. I asked you to never
leave me behind.” Silence fills that statement. If Danielle didn’t want to end
this then why is she saying this?
“Is there someone else?” I ask hesitantly.
“No this is not about someone else. I don’t even have time for you.
How would I have time for someone else?” Danielle asked.
I sigh in relief that I had not been replaced.
“When I find the balance, you will be the first woman, the first
person I date again. That would be lovely for us”
The way Danielle looked at me when she said that made me think she
was telling the truth. She had never made me doubt before. I remember
making a slight comment about irony because I wore the gift and now she is
calling it quits.
We finished our cigarette and went inside. My heart was racing. I am
not going to leave her behind. I promised her when we took vows of love to
one another. I would never leave her behind. We talked once more and that
is when I realized she was not going to change her mind. I wanted to cry and
scream yet I had promised that I would be the rock. I looked at her and said,
“Is there hope of you coming back?” I asked.
She smiled and said,
“There is always hope. I just have to find my balance.”
We look at one another when the discussion of the engagement rings
came up. The answer would surprise me and give me hope at the same time.
“What about our rings, and the vows we said to each other that is on
each of our rings?”
“I want to keep them, my ring that you gave me. I am going to lock
the ring my personal box along with the other gifts that you have given
me.”She replied.
“I will not sign over the car because I promised you that I would take
care of you.”
Something told me to rally the last bit of courage to fight for her.
What came out of my mouth was surprising. In hindsight I now understand
why I said what I said. At the time I was merely trying to make a point. She
was sitting on the couch and I was kneeling at her feet. I rise up, hugging
her. I whisper into her ear,
“Don’t give up. You always said you were afraid that one
day I would leave you, or be with someone else. You hated
what the others did to you. Now you are doing the exact same thing
to me. Why?”
Oh my god! Danielle became so enraged at what I had whispered into
her ear that she pushed me off of her, pointing towards the door,
“You have to leave my house now!”
I immediately apologized, cowering in front of her.
“I was only pointing out that you don’t have to give up on true love.
You can have love and family. You asked me to never leave you behind,”
Danielle looks at me without saying a word in disgust. I back up in
submission gathering my stuff.
“I’m sorry,”
“I need to take a nap,” Danielle states as she was begins to become
emotional. I leave the house and get into my car. I fall apart emotionally
inside my van. I was devastated that she just tossed me out of the house. I
felt at the time that I had failed to reach her heart. I texted her,
“Have a good nap”.
Danielle responds,
“Thank you”
I drove home, angry and crying. I began swearing in my car cussing
life out.
“How dare you do this to me” I shout at the top of my lungs.
“Have I not seen enough pain in my life? Why? I am sorry if I scared
Danielle and she could not handle the abuse I went through.” I kept yelling.
Honestly, I don’t even remember how I drove home that day. I felt
like my world had just been ripped apart. When I got home, I walked into
my bedroom and fell to the floor crying. I remember my painting in the
living room. I stared at this painting of a tree on a pond. I remember yelling
at the picture.
“Why have you done this to me? I did what I was supposed to do. I
lived, I kept their voice alive. I have helped other people all my damn life.
The one thing I asked for was true love and you slap me in the face like this.
How dare you Spirit. Fuck you and the horse you came in on.”
My emotional state became unstable. My anger was beyond my level
of understanding. I was so enraged at the pain I was feeling when suddenly I
began to have flashbacks. These flashbacks I had not seen before and my
memory was flooding back. All the abuse, the rapes and now this. It was
flood of information like computer downloading information. At that precise
moment I hated what God was doing to me. At one point, I fell to my knees
begging life to not be this cruel. I lived 18 years in cruelty why must I
endure more.
“I am sorry I could not save Sarah” crying emotionally
When I said Sarah’s name out loud I suddenly realized that I needed
to call a friend, Henry. He always seemed to understand my anger and
sorrow.
Henry listened as I ranted and raved. I kept going back to Sarah.
“Is this what this about? Fucking life is punishing me for not saving
Sarah. I tried to save her and could not get up. I tried. So now I am being
punished by having my heart ripped out?” I ask.
Henry immediately interjects raising his tone of voice which caught
my attention. Henry has never raised his voice to me before.
“KAT! CALM DOWN. This is not about Sarah or any of the other
children. Or do you forget how on your 7th birthday in 1979 that they held
you down, taking a 4 by 4 and crushed your back. How you had to go thru
36 hours of surgery for them to have you walk again. They broke your back.
That bitch killed Sarah not you.” Henry argues.
“But you don’t fucking understand,” I said being interrupted by
Henry.
“You always bring Sarah up and the other children. You survived to
teach others hope. You were the strong one chosen by spirit.” Henry states.
I immediately became quiet as I begin to have a flash back of that
night my back was broken. The memory was as intense as I began to relive
that night from my childhood.
Three men approximately 5’8-6’0, medium build take steel pipes and
2 by 4’s and begin to beat the shit out me. I am laying on the blood spitting
up blood. I about 8 years old. The pain is so intense.
Suddenly the three men hold down as Kendra, my mother, joins in by
taking the pipe to my back. I was never allowed to call my mother. I was
only allowed to call her by her name, Kendra.
“Hold her tight. I want to hear the bitch’s back break,” Kendra yells.
The pipe hits my lower back. There is so much pain as I try to hold
back my tears.
“If you don’t stand up, I will kill your sister Sarah. You will take this
beating, bitch,” Kendra taunts.
Snap, crackle, pop as I hear the bones in my lower back breaking. I
scream at the top of my lungs in pain. I couldn’t move. I look up at Kendra.
I have blood running out of my mouth.
“Remember this day bitch. Because you couldn’t stand up, your sister
died. You’re pathetic. Can’t take a beating. For the rest of your life, you will
remember what a coward you are.” Kendra laughs as she motions for the
men to take Sarah, who cries.
`
I cry as I see Sarah hauled off in a car. I remember thinking, you son
of bitch. I can’t move my legs. I tried to move my legs. I would never see
Sarah again after that night. I would see her decapitated head given to me as
a Christmas present that year with a note.
My shakes in pain as I hear Kendra screaming at me,
“No one will ever love you because you are a bastard
child and you could stand up. I broke your back. Now maybe your
spirit will die.”
Suddenly I am back in the present. I hear Henry.
“Kat, are you okay?”
“I don’t understand, I just saw the past,”
I begin to tremble.
“You’re having a flash back. You need to sleep. I think you are being
triggered.”
I decide to go to bed. I thought maybe this was a bad dream. I fell
asleep crying. My dreams were not pleasant that night. The grief I felt from
Danielle was somehow triggering my hidden grief from losing my sister
Sarah. My mind and soul couldn’t understand why I was suddenly having
flashback. I wake the next day angry wondering, where do I go from here.
In my grief I associated Danielle’s loss with Sarah. In my mind I had
to fight for Danielle. I had promised Danielle that I would always be at her
side. I had to fight no matter the cost. Little did I know that what I was about
to fight for, would be a losing effort. Danielle never intended for us to
continue.
The loss and rejection by Danielle began to trigger my memories that
I had repressed from my traumatic childhood of torture and abuse in the first
17 years of my life. Deep in my mind the events began to unravel in
flashbacks. Victims of trauma often place the memories of their abuse to the
side to survive. Danielle’s abandonment went to my core of sorrow. The
days and weeks to come would bring more flashbacks, nights of me crying
and drinking to forget the pain of childhood. It would be spiral into the
darkest parts of my pain that I had begun to relive.
In the days, to come I knew and had this blind faith that Danielle
would return to me. I decided to write journals to her like we had done in our
relationship when we were together. It was ritual that Danielle and I shared.
Early in the relationship, Danielle said,
“I love your writing and your notes. Write to me in journals and when
we get together, I will read them so I can feel your soul, your heart and
know that we are soul mates.”
Every night I would write Danielle in journals and when we got
together, she would take them, and read them. One time when I went to her
house, she had the journals under her bed.
“Your words mean the world to me. I know by keeping them that we
meant for one another. I kept them under the bed imagining you next to me
so that when we get together we are closer” Danielle states. Danielle told me
that through the journals I wrote to her that we were staying connected in
our love for one another.
The memory of writing those journals and how she loved them
inspired me to write the journals I was about to write. My goal was that
when Danielle returned to me that she knew that I never left and I was here
the whole time waiting. She would know I kept my promise. I called them
Journals of Hope.
I.
JOURNAL OF HOPE: LETTERS TO DANIELLE
BOOK 1: February 2, 2012- February 11, 2012
The way true love connects to another person is amazing. I remember
the first time I asked Daniel when she realized that she was in love with me.
“I realized I was in love with you when I read your poetry on our date
in your apartment. If you could write with such passion then surely you
would love me with a deep love. I knew then that you were the one and you
were the answer to my prayers since I was a child,” Danielle said.
I am sharing the journals of hope as they were written to Danielle.
These journals are raw in my emotion, my grief and how I was dealing
during the time. When I write in the journals to Danielle I wrote them as
though I was speaking to her like I did when we were together. After some
of the journal entries are my reflections back on that time period.
February 2, 2012:
It has been two days since Tuesday. I do not know if you will ever
read this journal. However as you said on Tuesday there is always hope.
Today at 7:30am I will send you a text message so that you know that
I am here for you.
It will read:
“Hello my friend! How are you? How is work? You will have a great
day and a great event. I am here for you if you need anything. Would love to
hear from you on how you are doing and love and have a great day.”
I hope that you respond to the text message. I do know that you know
that I am here. I will always honor you. I just hope that you never forget me
and know I will always be in love with you and love you. I may fall down
however I will always get up just for you.
7:30am:
I sent the text. I do not expect you to text me back. Only know that I
am here. I feel your pain in the decision that you did. I have been an
emotional wreck for the past 48 hours. This too shall pass. I know you said
to give you time and space. But I wanted you to know I am here. Just
remember that I know your heart. However to ignore me completely and
forget about us is wrong.
Well its 9am and you have not responded.
11:30am:
You always said that I could feel you. The reality is that I have known
for a month that you wanted out. I just thought I could help you with a
different route. Today I have been feeling your sense of sadness. I sense also
that there is a part of you that if you could, you could ignore us. I sense that
you wished we were never together. I do not understand why I sense this, I
just do.
4:50 pm:
I apologize that you are hurting. I feel you so strongly. It’s like you
wish this never happened. A coping mechanism I never meant for you to be
confused. I hope that you’re having a great day. I miss you and I know it’s
only been two days. However it’s been a difficult two days. I have never
cried in my life as I have over the ending of our relationship even though
you said you only need time and space.
Friday February 3, 2012:
I keeping waking up sad and crying because of what happened. I
reached out to an old friend who is really helping me understand this. I do
miss you. I wish there was another way. I wish you would come back to me.
However, I know that you must process. It’s now 5pm and I hope you are
doing ok. I miss your voice, and you saying to me every morning “Hello
honey.” I promise I will wait for you ‘‘til the end of time. I am sad that you
don’t even want to say hello however I understand.
It is now 1am and there is lighting outside. I remember how I showed
you the beauty of lighting and how you told my friend I refer to as my
brother in Australia that it was orgasmic. You were so amazed by our
intimacy that night, the sexual encounter and how deep we love together.
My god you are beautiful.
Saturday February 4, 2012:
I wake up and I feel empty inside. I feel as though I woke up and
someone stole my hope from me. I did not feel motivated to wake up today.
I feel dead inside and wish that spirit would take my life in my sleep. YET I
know Spirit will not grant this wish. I am trying so hard to be strong even
when the entire world feels wrong. I wrote something for you:
There was time I heard the wind,
The gentle sway I know and danced,
However in the shadows the rain becomes my soul,
I try to move however the echoes,
Become the drumbeat to which my breath was taken away,
The reflection now cracked
Where hope should have been,
The emptiness becomes the ocean,
Where once the eagles flew,
They said there is no more dance,
Yet upon they words, thy actions,
The subtle touch, I know thee,
To walk ways in the light is a fight we must endure.
Sunday February 5th, 2012:
Good morning. I hope that you are doing well. I keep wondering how
you are doing. I keep hoping that you are ok. On Wednesday I am going to
try and get a hold of you. I can only imagine that this has been hard for you
as well. You always said we have a bond that no one can understand. I am
worried for you because I don’t want you to break down. . I hope that you
know that I am not upset with you. I just want you to have what you wished
for and said that you found in me. A TRUE LOVE like no other.
I do wish that you would reach out to me and text me.
Monday February 6th, 2012:
It was so wonderful to text you last night Danielle. You responded to
me and it meant the world to me. It rocked. The fact that you said that you
were having issues with your heart about us only confirmed that I was
sensing your sadness. You always said I could sense you.
I saw an eagle today and it looked right at me and I thought of you. I
wish we could have dinner and just talk you and me. I know how you are
feeling. I remember the words you told me. The words we said to one
another when we submitted our heart and soul to one another. Now are you
not in my life anymore…Just like that you ran away!
I know you said time and space. That I would be the first one you date
again. How you love someone one day, make love intensely then the next
day poof you are gone.
Tuesday February 7th, 2012:
Today is one week that we have been separated. While we are still
friends it is deeply affecting me on all levels. I do not understand how it is
however I know in my heart you will return. You must know that you have
broken my heart. I have never felt this kind of pain before. It was something
you said that you would never do. IT is more painful than all the torture that
I have endured. At the end of the torture the pain stops momentarily. This
pain I feel regarding you continues. YOU gave up on me. While I
understand and will wait. WHY did you give up on me? I am off today and
am going to drink because it is so painful. All this crying. All this doubting.
What have you done to me? I was once strong. I endure nights of them
electrocuting me, beating me, and yet you leaving me has done more
damage than they could have ever hoped for. I know you said to me that you
will be the one to give me new experiences. You taught me intimate things,
you taught me, pizza. You showed me how to light a Christmas without
being afraid of finding body parts. However this new experience of a broken
heart is off the chart. I miss you and I don’t want you to give up on true love.
I know what you told me about what others did to you. I won’t do that to
you.
Thursday February 9th, 2012:
It is 2:30am of the morning of February 9th. You talked to me last
night via text for almost two hours. I was so happy. It has been so hard.
Your text was the greatest joy. I saved your texts to my g-mail so that when
you return you will see that I kept my promise that I have not been with any
other woman and that I only thought of you and me and us like we
discussed.
I am glad that you are sending your children to the program. I am
copying the texts into my journal to you.
Danielle:
We are okay. I have the children in a study for adolescent with a
parent with drug or alcohol problems. How they think and process
information.
Kat:
Are you okay with that?
Danielle:
Kina lost her phone for stealing. These guys are not making good
decisions
I remember walking around the apartment complex as we were texting
one another. I knew that if I could just show Danielle that if I was there we
could be together as a family. There would be no issues with Kina, her
daughter.
The text messages continue.
Kat:
I hope the program helps. How are you dealing?
Danielle:
I am alright. I am making it…Barely…but my head is above water.
Kat:
I hope you have a great event
Danielle:
It was crazy! As always
Kat:
My love for you will live on in ON HALLOWED GROUND.
Danielle:
Been looking forward to reading it. Sleep has never been a problem
for me. Really it’s sleeping too much
There were two more hours of text messages that we had shared with
one another. I know now there is hope. I literally cried, falling to the ground
as I saw the text that you were barely making it. It confirms my beloved that
we are so connected as you said we were. THERE is hope and you will
return to me. IF I have to wait 8 years for your children to be raised then I
will wait. IT was just like you said that day you broke up with me. You were
sitting on the couch and looked at me saying,
“Yes I love you and am in love with you. This will be a
test of how we will survive. “
I remember sighing thinking oh sweet Virgin Mary, one more damn
test however I can do this. If I was able to survive years of torture, I can wait
for the woman I love and who loves me.
You are so right. I am ready for this test my dearest Danielle. If I have
to re romance you I will. It will be my pleasure to do it with you.
The sun has risen and many hours have passed and it’s so difficult. I
feel empty.
Friday, February 10, 2012:
I know I need to stop crying. I also know that if you move on then that
is your choice. Why did you reject me? All you ever said was
“I will love you to the end of time.”
This does not make sense.
February 11, 2012:
Its 5am and suddenly I find myself missing you. I hope that you are
well. I miss you dearly. I have been depressed in missing you. There has to
be a way to show you that you are worthy of true love. Every morning I used
to call you and wake you for work.
In that first month after Danielle left, I was sad and depressed. I really
thought that I could move the heaven and the stars for her. My thought was
that if I could just reach Danielle that she would return to me. I was so blind
in my grief over her.
I never knew that she had no intention of coming back to me. During
this time I listened to a song called Mirror on the Wall by Lil Wayne. I cried
every time because I felt his pain as though it was my own. Then I would
drink some messed up alcohol called 9/20 or something like that. It was
nasty. All it did was make me cry even more.
I thought by fighting for us that Danielle would see that her wish to
Spirit was true and tried. I even woke up every day and read the note on my
artist board that Danielle had left me. It was ideal that would never come
true. The truth was that I was fighting for a dream within me, the inner child
that kept crying,
“Please love me, I am worthy”
II.
JOURNAL OF HOPE: LETTERS TO DANIEL
BOOK 2: February 12, 2012- February 25, 2012
This is the second Journal of Hope, which I had written Danielle. My
hope was that Danielle would realize how I waited for her to find her
balance and return to me. I use to pray so hard that Danielle would just show
up to my apartment and say “hello” The journals are in the raw format as I
wrote them at the time.
February 18, 2012:
It is 3:05 am, and I find myself longing for you, Danielle. I know that
it’s only been 21 days, however its feels like a life time. I miss talking to
you. So much in my life has changed. There are days and moments I feel
like giving up. I even told spirit at night please let me die in my sleep
tonight. However each day I keep waking up and find myself missing you.
Spirit will no longer listen to me. They want me to live. They keep saying
that there is a family that needs me. What the hell are they talking about?
I have lost so many friends because they say that you are cheating on
me and do not love me nor did you ever truly love me. I have disavowed
those friends. Cause how dare they talk shit about you. How dare they stand
up to me? I am the one that helped them. They just talk shit without sitting
down and helping me understand.
I spoke with Jack and he said that I can’t give up and I said why.
Jack shook his head,
“I promised Danielle that I would watch out over you that night in the
restaurant because she was worried about the drunken guests. I told
Her she will always come home to you. Do you remember what she
said?
I said to Jack
“No.”
Jack smiled
“Danielle said ‘Good, because she is my soul mate and we are forever
together.’”
Jack reminded me that I cannot give up because I am the hope for other
people. No one realized what I went through in life. And now when they
find out they will be amazed at my strength.
February 19th, 2012:
It is 2am and I hope that you are sleeping well my dearest Danielle. I
have missed talking to you every day when I would wake you up to make
sure you were up on time for work. You are my one and only. I know that
our connection can reach your soul.
February 20th, 2012:
Soon you will be 34 and I keep finding myself missing you. I feel lost
without you. I miss you deeply. It’s coming upon three weeks and I feel
dead inside. I don’t understand how you can just give up on what you
wanted, what you asked life for. The rain is coming back to the sky.
February 21st, 2012:
I released HOPES DREAM after I had many requests for my new
poetry. I have not felt inspired to write since you left me. Why should I write
when I am dying, inside my soul? I feel dead! What did I do wrong? I never
meant to scare you because of what I went through. I wrote this poem to
reach you because you always loved my poetry and how it touched your
soul. I remember the day I asked you when you realized you were in love
with me and you said that second night when I read you poetry.
You said,
“If you can write such deep and passionate poetry, this woman
must love deeply. I fell in love with you because of your passion.”
Danielle, I wish you would reach out and talk to me. I sent you a
picture of the sunrise I saw when I got off work today. I thought of you and
the beauty that you have. How can you just walk away from me? What did I
do wrong? You have not responded to my phone calls or text messages. It’s
just so odd. After all that you and I have been through now you treat me this
way.
I cannot shake this sadness that is in my heart. My crew grows
concerned saying that I am not responding to anything in the restaurant. All I
say is,
“Don’t you know that I am the stupid bitch and no
wonder my love walked away.”
I want this sadness to be gone. This is not me. I am tired of being sad.
Once I loved life and now I see only the sadness in it.
Why did you throw me away? I keep replaying your words in my
head when you said that you needed to simplify your life and I had to be the
one sacrificed. What did I do wrong? It’s like that you don’t want to know
me. You promised you would love me and even took vows with me. I know
you keep saying that you just need time and space and to have hope. I would
be the first woman that you date. I must believe that what you said is true.
Just know that I am dying inside and nothing feels good anymore.
February 23rd, 2012:
I tried calling you and texting you and it’s as though you are hiding
from me. I wanted to personally wish you a happy birthday. I still do not
understand why you walked away from you. I could not sleep. The
nightmares have returned. I do not know why the nightmares have returned.
That one dream keeps coming back. The one where I started screaming and
you woke up by placing your hand on my heart and said
“I am here Kat, shh”
This time the dream was a bit odd. It was the same one I told you
about. The memory of being tortured by my family continues to haunt me. I
am strapped in the chair and they are electrocuting me. They placed the
needle filled with tetrodotoxin into my chest. They took pliers and pulled out
teeth. This time it was different which does not make sense. You were there
and where Kendra normally enters and said,
“Where your fucking god now bitch? I told you to never love.
I will break you.”
This time you are saying it. This concerns me that you are the saying
it and not my mother Kendra. If I was to do a dream analysis it would mean
that you were the one that was cruel to me. That you are just playing on my
emotion. Why? I know what you said, how you touched me.
Please don’t tell me that you are not returning. I told you Danielle that
I don’t know if I can survive another cruelty in my life. I never was cruel to
you. I must have faith.
I will try and finish ON HALLOWED GROUND the next installment
to FIRESEEDS. I feel lost and even in my journal writing I feel lost without
you at my side. I cannot explain this deep sadness inside of me. If I find out
that someone interfered that someone told you to give up on me…it doesn’t
matter. I have always lost it seems. I cannot move forward. I cannot love
another. Everyone I have loved has either, been killed or walked away.
Only when you return to me will I believe in humanity. At this point
humanity is cruel, inhumane and they torture souls just for kicks. Why
should I have hope? People are people. They are liars, thieves, and by their
nature inhumane. Oh my God, I am beginning to give up. This mere
statement shows me I am beginning to give up. What do you expect after all
that I have seen? Then the very woman who took vows with me walks away.
THIS IS WRONG.I am not seeing things right. I wish someone was here
that could see spiritually like I do and help me understand. I just prayed to
spirit to bring someone into my life to show me I am okay with me being
different. What the hell? All I keep hearing is there is a family that you will
teach and together life will come full circle. I am beginning to think that
spirit is on crack.
Jack tried to help me tonight and I took my anger out on him. I tried
to take him out physically and he just grabbed me and held me. What have
you done to me Danielle? I have always had control and now I feel like what
is the fucking purpose of living with honor, and love when ….I need to go
and listen to the radio.
Oh no..no no no no. The song LIKE A PRAYER is on the oldies
station. I have always had a superstition about this song. When I hear
someone is leaving my life.
February 24, 2012:
I was told to today to think positive and you will respond. Oh my god
it’s working. You just responded back to my text message and said to call
you back tonight at 9:30pm after the kids have gone to bed so that we can
talk. You said that you had just come back from New Orleans. So now I
have two hours before I am going to call you. I am going to prepare a script
so that I don’t get nervous and forget. I am so happy that we are going to
talk. I have told my crew that the first person that interrupts me well they
will be revisited by the evil Kat and I have baseboards with their names on
it.
At 9:30pm, I called Daniel and she told me to call back in five
minutes because she was putting groceries away. So I waited and right at 5
minutes I called her right back. I had the script ready to go.
Danielle was out of breath,
“Putting groceries away is like an Olympic sport.”Danielle stated
I chuckled at this comment because Danielle always had this humor
about her. I so adored Danielle’s humor.
“How was New Orleans?” I asked.
“It was a blast. I went by myself and everyone was amazed that
I came back. I got so drunk. There was one night I was so drunk that I don’t
even remember how I walked to the hotel room or who I woke up...”
Danielle changed the subject really quick. I had a feeling that she had
slept with someone. My mind instantly went to forgiveness and that’s okay
as long as she returns to me.
“I went ahead and got the tags for the car like I promised”
Danielle told me that she had missed our conversations. She told
know I can reach her. On February 27th I am going to her house and give her
title to the car. Danielle was happy that we were going to see one another.
Danielle has agreed to have dinner with me and become reacquainted with
me. There is hope.
February 25th, 2012:
Today I spent an hour with Danielle this morning in her house, talking
with her. We talked about New Orleans and how she is planning on going to
the Ignite Press Release Party on March 2nd, 2012. She spoke of going to
New Orleans again on Labor Day. Danielle it was so nice to see you in
person and spend time with you, listening to you and your life.
My god you are beautiful. I love your hair down. You played with
your hair like in such a way that it was sexual. You always knew that I loved
you doing that. I hope that your event today rocked and it should have
because you rock.
March 2nd, 2012:
Danielle promised that she was going to look at her calendar and see
if she can make it. When we spoke again on the phone it was so sweet. I
asked once more about dinner.
“Would you like to have dinner on your days off and as friends get
reacquainted,” I asked.
“Yes, I love to have dinner with you on your days off, Kat” Danielle
stated.
I smiled thinking wow, its happening.
“Kat you the sweetest woman I know and you are the most loving.”
Danielle stated on the phone.
Danielle went on to tell me about how the new girl at the other
location had been screwing up. I got excited because that meant she would
be working there next to my apartment.
She really enjoyed talking to me and that she missed talking to me,
hearing my voice. It was lovely and that we need to do this more. That it was
something she truly missed.
I was so excited about this conversation because it meant that we were
returning to one another and that I am reaching Danielle. HOPE does exist.
She missed our conversation.
I was looking for any sign of hope that Danielle would return. The
fact that she said she wanted to have dinner with me to get reacquainted, and
that she missed our talks was an obvious sign that she missed me. I was
reaching for any signs of hope. I had thought at the time Danielle wanted to
get back together with me. The truth is she just wanted me to sign over the
car.
HOPES DREAM
The poem that I wrote for Danielle won an award for most inspirational love
poem. I thought by winning an award for a poem that I wrote for Danielle
would someone inspire her to remember all her promises to me.
HOPES DREAM
by. Katherine Symthe
©February 2012.
The poem won the award Most Inspirational Love Poem.
Entered into this world of darkness,
This child saw an evil no human should experience,
Sorrow became the boroughs of the soul.
The only words heard “give up, there is no light. Walk away”
Hope gave me a dream that I would find the light.
This child became an adult and found the rays of light.
Chosen by destiny to save lives yet no one understood.
The words heard were “give up, walk away. No one wants you.”
Hope gave me a dream.
In my endeavors, the lives I saved became my mark as one that never gave
up.
Words became my passion for a life that I did not expect would touch others.
The words heard would shout “give up. No one wants to hear you.”
Hope gave me a dream.
The lives I touched with my words would unite a following and inspire their
humanity.
One day I prayed unto hope that True love would free me.
The words heard would say “who would want to love you. Give up”
I found the love of my life, and together the time we shared moved
mountains,
The sun and the moon would dance with the love we had.
One day my love dost said there needs to be time and space, and we cannot
be however there is hope.
The words I heard became cruel. “She never wanted you. You failed the one
thing you loved.”
Hope gave me a dream.
I shall never give up. She may have walked away for now however in the
gloaming, I know she will return.
I dost ask of hope but one thing that should this true love remember and
walk back this lifetime that I can say one last thing,
“You may not have thought you were not strong enough, however your love
was all I needed.
You may not have thought it was fair to me to not have time, however you
were the only fair thing that set me free.”
Hope gave me a dream of what thing could I say to my love and I would say,
“I may cry at night, and hide in the day however your love set me free. Give
me but one chance for I know I was your hopes dream.”
I.
THE SPIRITUAL QUEST
Life was empty, hollowed out by Danielle leaving needing time and
space. Nothing made sense to me anymore. I feel like a zombie, numb by the
events of life. The pain in my heart was intense and I am so confused and
lost. We planned a whole life together. She took my engagement rings.
Danielle said to have hope, that she would return as soon as she found
balance. I know she can do this. The universe is playing a cruel joke on me.
Why? What did I do wrong? Ah shit, it’s my childhood. Danielle couldn’t
handle my childhood. I remember how she looked at me weird about my
mother raping and torturing me and I asked,
“Are you okay? I’m telling you what I went through,”
“Yes, it’s just a little hard to take in however I love you.” Danielle
states.
I should have never told her about my abusive past. She said she was
never bothered by it however at the end of the day she is not here with me.
I get up and throw my journal across my apartment floor looking up at the
ceiling.
“Why have you done this to me God? They say you’re a merciful
God? I was alone when I was raped and electrocuted. No you make me live
as a survivor and now punishing me by taking the love of my life. What kind
of God are you?”
I take a deep breath in knowing that God will not answer. Tomorrow
is Valentine’s Day. A day of lovers and I’m alone. I walk over and pick up
my journal.
“What kind of God are you? I never asked to survive. No you made
me live for what? This curse of what happened so I can be a mockery? Well
I hope you have a good laugh because I am going to make this right.” I
shout.
I decided I was going to make it right and reach out to Danielle. She
always said that we were soul mates and that we can feel each other. If we
can feel each other then she is feeling my sadness. I know this. I text
Danielle.
“Hello. How are you Danielle?”
Oh my god, she responded to my text. I knew I could reach her.
“Drunk. With my mother and her friend drinking.”
What the hell? She’s drink. I knew it. She is drinking because of her
depression however I know that trying to reach her while she was drunk was
not going to work. The time had come to reach out to her in a different way.
There is more than one way to skin a cat. Every time I had tried to reach out
to Danielle she rejected my calls and text messages. I refuse to give up on
her. I promised her that I would be her rock no matter what. I have nothing
to lose. A person with nothing to lose is very dangerous because they will
do anything to reach their objective. I swore an oath that I would not leave
her behind. I remember Danielle and me talking in bed once.
“I’ll be your rock and will never leave you behind.” I said
“Promise me that no matter what happens you never leave me.”
Danielle states.
“I promise.”
“I am counting on that.”Danielle replies kissing me.
My promise is my oath. There is another way to reach Danielle. The
answer is Spiritual. I need to find Peyote and initiate my own vision quest.
It’s time to return to the source, my beliefs. If I use Peyote, I can find her
soul in the vision quest and talk to her soul. Once I find her soul, I will deal
with Spirit’s cruel joke on me. There is one person I know that sells Peyote,
Jack.
I went to Jack and explained my theory. Jack looks at me as though I
am crazy. Jack and I spent nights talking about spirituality, our calling in life
and the love of our lives. This will work because love saves the day and
Danielle is my soul mate. Jack and I use to talk about Danielle and he would
tell me about his wife. Jack and I became very close friends due to our
common elements in life.
“Are you prepared for the consequences? You are not trained in
Peyote and it could cost your life?” Jack asks concerned.
I look at him,
“I am prepared to die to keep my promise. Without honor and
Integrity there is only death,” I said.
He looks at me, shaking his head,
“This is not some kind of spiritual war, Kat. This is not some mission
to bring someone home.”
I look at him with anger,
Every day we are alive; we are in a war to be honorable. Every day
someone dies because of cruelty. I know there is a way to reach her. I will
no matter what!”
Jack steps back looking at me,
“I have never doubted you. I am just saying I am not prepared to lose
you. You are not in the right frame of mind. Your sorrow has overtaken
you. If you are hurt from this process, you won’t remember to come back.”
I start to walk away when I turn back around walking up to Jack.
“Come back to what? She has given up on hope. You know that I
would do the same for any of you that are my friends.”
Jack lights a cigarette,
“The problem here, Kat, is you think that you are alone. Spirit did not
abandon you. I know I am a medicine man.”
I light a cigarette,
“All my life I have been honorable. I refuse to give up on her. If I
have the ability to reach her, I will.” I said.
He shakes his head at me. Jack was dismayed that I wanted to push
forward.
“This is not spiritual with Danielle. This is physical. Or did you
forget she told me too in person that she would never leave you. Danielle
promised me, me and even shook my hand that she would love you and
never leave. And look where we are now.” He argued.
I shake my head. Nothing made sense. My logical brain was telling
me that this spiritual quest for Peyote was wrong. My heart was telling me
that I could not give up.
“What am I suppose to do?”I asked.
Jack looks at me, sighing,
“Damn it, Kat. This has started a war amongst your students. You
refuse to see that Danielle has lied. She has to you, to me and to everyone.
She even lied in front everyone the night she took the ring and accepted your
proposal for marriage,” Jack states cracking his neck.
I keep shaking my head in disbelief.
“Damn you, if anyone can pull off a crazy ass spiritual action -you
can.”
I bow to the four winds asking for forgiveness. In that moment, Jack
hugs me as I begin crying.
“I didn’t mean to challenge spirit. However I will not abandon my
promise. I took an oath to protect and to watch over those that spirit has
given to me. I will not forfeit.”I said.
Jack lets me go as he begins to walk around the parking lot then turns
to me.
“Damn you, Kat. You are the most spiritual person I know. You just
got hit really hard in the heart. You need to let Danielle go, however
I’ll help you because you won’t back down. You never backed down
from keeping any promise. You have always stood by your friends. I
have seen it, first hand. It even cost your career at one point when you
defended your crew being harassed.”
During the next two weeks, Jack and I experienced a comedy of errors
that I called bloopers. On the final night we attempted to get a hold of
Peyote I was angry and tried to hit Jack physically as he grabs me. I was so
angry that we could not get a hold of peyote. I wanted to knock the shit out
of Jack. Jack continues to hold me tightly when suddenly I fall to the
ground, crying loudly. My grief had overtaken me.
“Breathe Kat, breathe,” Jack calmly states.
“I have failed. I have failed.” I cry.
He holds me tighter as the tears run down my cheek.
“Kat, you have not failed in my book. I never known any girlfriend or
lover willing to risk death to reach someone that they love.”
I cry even harder as I look at my friend. The very idea of me trying to
hit him was like a gnat trying to knock out an elephant.
“Honor begets Honor. I shall not forfeit. I will reach her,” I said.
Jack stands up against my van. He has this look of concern yet he
knew that I was unwavering.
“Honey, you have been honorable. Danielle has not been. This
is the Universe telling you that you are ok.”
I look at my friend,
“There’s will there’s a way. You don’t understand. I couldn’t stand
and Sarah died. Her blood is on my hands because I was weak. I will not
allow history to repeat. ” I shout.
He shakes his head,
“Kat, honey, your sister, Sarah died at the hands of your fucked up
mother who was a brutal child abusers. She broke your back and that
is why you could not stand. When are you going to forgive yourself?”
“Why I was just a bastard child they raped,” I reply.
“The Kat I know stands up for people, shit even get thrown in a
dumpster for standing up for employees.”
I started laughing about the dumpster. Jack would bring that up.
“Really did you have to bring that up? I hate trash. I am so girly about
that” I said.
He lights a cigarette,
“I do understand. I too promised Danielle to keep you safe. Or do you
forget that she threatened me if I didn’t protect you for her to make
sure come home to her. I was willing to let you risk death so you can
show her that true love is worth fighting for.”
I pushed him against my minivan. He grabs me once more.
“Kat, you have pulled miracles off before. You have touched so many
people’s lives. You just don’t see it. I wish someone would come in
and show you that besides us.”
I look at my friend, my student.
“Me touch lives, really?”
How can I be touching lives when the one I love left me because of
what I went though? Jack is crazy. Maybe he is right. I don’t know.
Jack looks at me,
“You need to learn to trust Kat. The Kat I know taught me
to read. You yourself said that we as the shamans protect the children of
spirit. You have to let go. It’s not the Tao of earth to be as you are right
now.”
I look at Jack realizing that he was correct. He is using my own
teaching to shake me.
“So what are you saying friend. That what Danielle and I had was a
lie.” I asked.
My friend shakes his head.
“You need to learn to let someone in - perhaps a family. I wish that
my ancestors would hear me and show you how you impact other
lives. Danielle left and it was not your doing. It was about her.”
I am getting angry again as it feels like we were just going round and
round. What an emotional mess and Jack was attempting to help me
understand.
“What is it with this family you all keep talking about? Okay let’s
deal with this because you all are annoying me. What will they do this
family?” I ask sarcastically.
Jack starts to laugh.
“Annoying? Only because you are not listening; you are the one
taught us that spirit will keep sending messages ‘til you get it. I know you
are partially deaf but damn it, LISTEN.” Jack states.
“Okay tell me!”
“This family will give you the Ability to laugh and celebrate life.
They will embrace you and learn Kat-speak.”
I look at him. Jack frustrates me because he was using my very words
against me to make a point.
“Really Kat-speak, this is fucking frustrating,”
“Then listen and stop being stubborn. Have you ever thought that our
time is over; that we need to celebrate life and teach others for once?
All your life, you have protected; maybe it’s time to retire and live life
to its fullest.”
I look at him with a stern look,
“What can be done now? Have I have fucked shit up?”
He shakes his head, looking at me,
“No you have not fucked shit up. You are human and experiencing
a human event. Oh my god. Don’t you get it? You are not alone,
dumb shit. This goes beyond some promise to Danielle. You are
fighting your past.”
I step back for I knew that what Jack was telling me was the truth. I
did not appreciate that he reminded me.
“How dare you remind me!” I yell.
“I am the only one that can remind you because you know I speak the
truth. I am so, so, so sorry that you were tortured and you were
abused. However you have to know that you did nothing wrong.
Danielle used you. She played your emotions to the tee and for that I
hate what she has done to you. She played all of us. It’s called
manipulation. ”
I look at Jack with anger and disgust.
“Whatever!”
He grabbed me by the arm. It catches my attention. Jack has never
been this stern in what he believed before.
“Spirit will show you, I promise you. Just meditate instead.
You know you can’t walk away from spirit. Just like the Shamans we cannot
hide from our destiny.”
I knew that what Jack had said was true. None of this crap made any
sense at all. Perhaps the time for meditation was at hand. Fine, for whatever
reason I was not allowed to get a hold of peyote. Just maybe in the
meditation I might be able to somehow reach Danielle. So much sadness,
confusion and devastation was around me. The meditation would happen
tonight.
The spiritual quest with peyote was a desperate attempt on my part.
My mind was so chaotic, filled with sorrow, hope, and confusion. I was
beginning to loose myself in all of this mess. I was so focused on reaching
Danielle that I did not see things clearly. Nor did I want to see things
clearly. My childhood conditioning was overriding my logic.
II.
THE MEDITATION
The spiritual quest never occurred. The next step into the spiritual
aspect was a deep meditation. Meditations have been good in establishing a
quietness of the mind body and soul. The meditation in theory could reach
the spiritual essence of Danielle because of our connection. The logical
connection was that the meditation would somehow provide answers
My sorrow was beginning to trigger memories of my abuse as a child.
The attempt to reach Danielle resulted in a flash back on actual events that
happened to me when I was a child. The only difference is that I was
standing there observing with a dance instructor that I had considered a
mentor in the past. The candles are lit and shamanic music plays. Half an
hour passes and suddenly the meditation sends me on a flashback. This
flashback was different because I am the observer. Fear started to set in my
heart.
I am standing over a 10 year old white child, with curly red hair. She
is dirtied and crying, shackled by her wrists and legs. I knew this place. It
was the canyons in Mocking Bird Canyon in Riverside California. My heart
began racing. Oh my God! The reason I could not reach Danielle is that I am
really dead. I never made it to adulthood. How rude. Why didn’t anyone
send me a fax or text that I was actually dead? No one told me. I never
made it. NO!! This goes beyond cruelty. I started screaming when a woman
walks up to me. It was my dance instructor, Gina Hasly.
Hasley is 50 years old, white and short blond hair. She always
reminded me of Judi Dench. When Hasley taught me dance she became a
mentor to me in so many ways. I always regretted that I never truly said
good bye to her. She hated my ex wife whom made me disconnect from
everyone and my passion.
“Shhh. You are not dead. You made it. You are being shown through
your meditation why you must stand and why you are here to help
others.”
“What is this? Why am I reliving this horrible experience?” I ask.
Gina steps up next to me,
“Your sorrow goes deep into your soul. When Danielle left you,
and rejected you it triggered your emotional self. You are reliving your past
in your meditation so that you might heal and move forward.”
I step back in horror. There was no way that I was dead. I kept
thinking how cruel it would have been if I was dead.
“No No this is wrong. I have dealt with my past.” I said.
“No child you merely built a wall. Now you will see your strength.”
Gina said.
What I am about to tell/share with you the reader is very intense. This
is not for the meek of heart. It is very graphic in nature based on actual
events of what happened to. I begin shaking as another flash back occurs.
In September of 1982, I was ten years old. Kendra my mother had
shackled me to the ground in a satanic ceremony. A child is about to be
raped and tortured. I am that child. Various men come up to me slapping me.
“So bitch where is your fucking God, now? Where is your Jesus
Christ?”
“In me, I will not bend to you. I believe in my God, Jesus the savior
and no other God shall I place before me.” I cried.
“Wrong answer, bitch.” Kendra yells.
Kendra walks up to me smiling.
“Electrocute her!”
The men take cattle prods and begin electrocuting me. I fall to the
ground gasping for air. The men raise me back to my knees laughing. I
remember the volts of electricity surging through my body. I remember
shaking. I begin to pray in my head.
“My Lord is my shepherd. I shall walk through the valley
of the shadow of death. I shall hear no evil, I shall speak no evil.”I cry.
Blood begins to come out of my mouth as Kendra smiles, laughing.
“Open her mouth. Blood will feel good on one of your dicks.
Stick your dicks in her mouth so she will remember how her Christ left
her here to be taken by us.” Kendra yells.
Kendra shakes her head laughing,
“By the time we are done, no one will want to touch you. You shall be
seen as different, a reject. Who would want you as a friend or lover?
You are tainted. Perhaps you should have chosen to die when I
skinned your white wolf alive. He screamed and howled as I ripped
his skin off his body and ripped his heart. Though I did like the part
where I bathed you in his blood and made you wear
his body.” Kendra states.
“No please,” I am screaming in pain.
Kendra just stares at me,
“Talking to the wrong person, perhaps Jesus will save you,” Kendra
laughs.
The men open my mouth and the one male sticks his dick into my
mouth ejaculating into my mouth. A few minutes later I vomit the semen up.
The hours of torture continue as each man takes his turn ejaculating in my
mouth. At midnight Kendra grew tired of me not submitting to her.
She grabs my chin,
“This will be all over if you just submit to me, reject your God
and say that I am your goddess. You will agree to continue my
work,” Kendra states.
I look at her,
“By hurting others ?” I asked gasping.
“Yes that is true power,” Kendra responds.
“No. Kill me,” I beg.
I could feel the semen in my stomach; the feeling of being violated. I
thought to myself that no one will ever want to touch me if I ever made it to
be an adult. Kendra pulls out a knife. One of the males drops my right side
of my body.
“What are you doing?” the male asks.
“I am going to cut her throat so she can never speak,” Kendra replies.
Kendra walks behind me slitting my throat. I begin choking on blood
when another Man named Jim interferes. Jim is 40 years old with a receding
brown hairline. He was Kendra’s boyfriend. He jumps on Kendra.
“You crazy bitch. Joe said torture not kill,”
He immediately wraps my throat up with a blue plaid long sleeve
shirt. Jim drags me away. For three weeks I could not speak. Afterwards my
vocal cords healed however to this day my voice is deep.
Suddenly I look at Gina
“Take me out of this mediation. This flashback. I lived this once. I
don’t need to be reminded.”
A white wolf appears next to me. It was the white wolf that I had
when I was six.
“Then step out of your sorrow. Your heart break is causing you to
remember what you went through as a child,” Gina stated.
I step back and starting yelling,
“Danielle, Danielle”
Gina grabs me and started hugging me,
“Kat, please forgive yourself. Danielle left because of her own
agenda. Not because you failed. The time for you to flourish is now.”
I looked at the white wolf.
“Wolfee, I am so sorry,” I cry.
“Child, I love you, love yourself. Remember the necklace the shaman
gave you. My time with you is over. Give the necklace to a woman, an
elder. She will have a similar background as you. Its time you show her
that she is loved by Spirit as we have loved you,” wolfee states.
I look at Gina, who smiles,
“For your information, Jesus was right next to you giving you grace
so you will live. Now teach others through your words.” Gina said.
I woke up in a sweat, and crying. Oh my god I cried all night after that
meditation. What does this mean? This is the most intense meditation I have
done since I was 20 when I was first taught to be a shaman. I decide to call
Henry.
“Kat, don’t you understand, spirit saved you from death?” Henry
states.
“Like I am not dying, now, really? Shit, I am reliving my memories.
Why?” I ask.
Henry and I talk about the meditation and how it felt like to relive the
memory of my throat being slashed during a rape.
“Shit I fucking relived that whole memory of what Kendra did to me
the night she had all the guys’ gang rape me. Really? Why? I asked spirit for
an answer to reach Danielle. But no, Spirit made me relive my past.” I state
angrily.
“Because when Danielle left you it triggered your memories;
particularly your sorrow that you still carry. You have never been
truly loved before and when Danielle left you, you were sent back to
when you were a child,” Henry responds.
“Now what?” I ask.
“Let go of your sorrow, cry and stand up. I love you and always have.
You taught Me to become the man I am today. It’s time. You asked
for hero. Spirit, your beliefs, Jesus just became your hero. Let go and
stand up.”Henry said.
I remember sitting down in my living room. Henry was absolutely
correct. In my sadness I began to relive the sorrow of my childhood
particularly those memories where Kendra said that I would never be loved.
What have I done? I know firsthand that I was grieving. This was never
about me. It was like Danielle said on January 18th, 2012.
“This is not about you. This is about me and what I have done.”
I never understood what she meant. Now I know and it was sickening.
“I apologize.” I said.
Mr. D sighed,
“You don’t have to apologize, Kat. For the first time in your life you
are crying physically. That is good. You are finally releasing. That is
what the meditation was about: releasing.”
I shook my head and lit a cigarette,
“Will I ever have a partner?” I asked.
“Yes and she will love you as greatly as I love you. I know that you
are lesbian. However, I love your spirit. You have touched many
lives. Take this experience and show others that they are not alone.
Stand up as you did when you were a child.” Henry said.
I sit down in my apartment trying to make sense of everything. On
my table are the engagement rings. I took them and locked them up in my
safe. IT was time to let go. I knew that the meditation was telling me that I
needed to release Danielle and move on. I have allowed my fear of breaking
a promise to Danielle to override everything that everyone was telling me.
My past was interfering with my current condition of living. I was allowing
my past to block me. Now I had realized that in the process of loss and
grieving, we have to let go. I was in a state of denial.
The words of Gerri, my English instructor from high school come to
my mind. Gerri was a great teacher that taught Theology in my high school
when I had gone to a private academy for a few months when I was 17.
When I was taken away at 17 by authorities I was placed at a Seventh Day
Adventist Academy. Gerri died in a moped accident when I was 25. Her
words on grace always stuck with me.
“The state of grace begins with us. It is through forgiving
ourselves. When we finally cry, the skies will cry with us because in
the release of your pain, you will grow.”
I wish she was still alive today so that I might tell Gerri.
“Thank you!”
In looking back, my meditation was my broken heart’s attempt to try
and find a reason. I really thought at the time that Danielle left me
because she was disgusted by my past sexual abuse. My illogical mind
thought that if I could show her that I am still the woman she loved
that she would return. My mind couldn’t process why she suddenly
left. The flashbacks to my abuse weren’t helping either. Why would
sorrow trigger my memories? That was answer that I couldn’t see or
should I say didn’t want to acknowledge.
My sorrow initiated somatic triggers to the PTSD that I didn’t realize
that I had. Somatic is related to emotion. Traumatic stress which was
the devastation of my heart brought back into focus all the
overwhelming sensations that I was feeling from my past. This
triggers a disassociatitve sate within the person. In this case, it was
me. My PTSD was putting pressure on the basic functions of my mind
creating a stress so intense that it was arousing cycles of my original
traumatic experience.
The journey was so difficult back then. Here I was trying to process
what was going on and my flashbacks were interfering. The memoires made
me feel even more shame, embrassement and disgust. The only real reason
that I was angry at God/Spirit was that I was remembering. It was lot to deal
with and I was feeling overwhelmed. Today I am thankful for those
flashbacks revisiting me. They showed me that I needed help to heal and
reconcile that I was a victim.
HANDING OVER THE CAR FEBRUARY 25th, 2012:
On February 24th, Friday Night, Danielle and I had talked for over an
hour on the cell. Danielle decided that I needed to give her tags to the
vehicle I have her. She wanted to discuss the car. Furthermore she wanted to
revisit what we were going to do regarding us in the future. She asked me to
come the next day to her house on February 25, 2012.
At 8:00 am I show up to Danielle’s house. She is in her pajamas. She
has her hair up. Once I walk inside she looks at me, smiling and lets her hair
down. Danielle always knew that I loved her hair down. I took this as a good
sign. Danielle moves to the couch next to me as we discuss her work and
how busy it was. She had gone to Louisiana for her birthday and the party
was off the chart. Danielle tells me how drunk she got and how she could
not remember how she got back to her hotel room. She said that life was
very busy for her. I told Danielle how I texted and she said she knew I texted
her, but she was not responding to anyone; not even her own father.
I went on to tell Danielle about the press release party for Ignite at
Bermuda and she said,
“I will be there. It will be lovely,”
Danielle went to Facebook and liked INSA. I went on to tell Danielle
that I would pay for her fee to come into the press release. She would be
treated like a VIP. Danielle smiles. I pull out the tags to the car and give it to
her. I ask,
“Now regarding the car? Do you want me to give you the title?”
Danielle looks at me thinking about it. Danielle didn’t make eye
contact with me as she was thinking about my question.
“Look I don’t have to sign it over. I will keep it in my name. I’ll take
care of the insurance. That way you can do what you need to with
your career,”
“I know it’s just...” Danielle said being interrupted by me.
“I made a promise to you that I would help you. You yourself said
you needed time and space and to have hope. You’re still single right?” I
asked.
“Yes, I am still single. And yes there is still hope for us.” Danielle
responds.
I look at Danielle with a sigh of relief. Here she is telling me there is
still hope.
“Then what do you want?” I ask.
“Hand over the title so I can know that something is mine. That way I
can finally get to where I need to,” Danielle responds.
I smile signing over the title. I then look at Danielle giving her a letter.
I had two letters; one if she wanted the title and the other if she did not. In
the letter I explained how I do not agree with handing over the car however I
respected her wishes. I went on to say how I love her and will continue to
love her. I would wait for her as she tried to figure out her life and how she
was going to balance her work and family.
After I hands over the car title to Danielle, we talk about the press
release party and how my job was going. I did not let her know that the
management in the restaurant that I was working in was being cruel. I
mentioned briefly in passing that I might consider bartending and Danielle
chuckles,
“No honey you would not be a good bartender. You are the one that
chills the wine.”Danielle laughs.
I remember thinking that was odd because Danielle always supported
my new ventures. I passed this sarcasm off as her being stressed. Danielle
hugs me,
“It is so lovely to spend time with you. We need to spend more time
with each other and get back on track with each other. You are always
welcome to come over for Sunday dinner,” Danielle said. I smile with hope
in my heart.
I never knew that this would be the last time that I would ever see
Danielle in person again. Based on the conversation with the new girlfriend
that I would come to have in the following months, Danielle was not single
at the time I had asked her. She was already with the new girl at the time
that I handed over the car. According to the new girlfriend they had gotten
together around February 2nd, 2012. Later, based on further discovery,
Danielle was with the other woman since September, at the time she
accepted our rings and we said our private vows to one another.
THE PRESS RELEASE PARTY
March 2nd, 2012 was the press release party for Ignite. It was my first
gig covering a live event for my company, House of SVOI. I was so excited
to be receiving this kind of recognition and even invited three other people
from my restaurant that I worked at. I prayed so hard that Danielle would
show so that she would be proud of me and the work that I was doing as an
independent artist. This event could really put her and I back on track.
Danielle never showed up. Afterwards I thought to myself that I
should have known better than to hope. I was very angry that Danielle did
not show up. During the event I texted her for hours with no response from
her. Finally after 12:30 am she responds to me via text.
“I really apologize, I forgot that I had two venues to set up for
regarding my catering company. “
I immediately calm down for a moment, wanting so desperately to
connect with Danielle that I sent the following text to her.
“I would love to have drinks with you in the coming days”
Be still my heart as Danielle responds with text that excited my heart
to no end. The days of distance was coming to an end.
“I promise that we will have drinks and I would love to have them at
your apartment and spend the night with you.”
Excitement, joy and relief fill my soul and spirit. Danielle is returning
me. I took the text message as a sign that Danielle was ready to continue our
relationship.
The press release party was an event that would change another aspect
of my life. At the event I met a woman named Saundra. She was a tarot
reader. Little did I know that down the way that she and her family would be
the family that everyone was talking about. They would teach me to laugh
and celebrate my life.
Today I often wonder why my old self had such blind faith and hope
in a woman that obviously would be revealed that she didn’t want anything
to do with me. I have come to realize through my current ongoing healing
process that my blind faith and hope goes back to my mother, Kendra and
the horrific victimization that she perpetrated on me. I spent 17 years being
raped and tortured by my mother. I always hoped beyond all measure that
she would snap out of it, apologize for what she did and finally accept me as
her daughter. My mind prayed that in her awakening that she would then
turn herself into the police for the horrific crimes that she committed. My
mother never did.
My mind couldn’t process why Danielle left me. Suddenly my reality
of love was gone, ripped from underneath my feet. I was angry at God and
often asked,
“Why me? What did I do wrong? Just love me and return and I will be
your servant, Danielle.”
That thought process was a preconditioned ideology from my
childhood. I see that today and have worked every day on not repeating that
people pleasing mentality. After the Press Release party, my old self
continued writing journals to Danielle. I had hoped that we were getting
back together based on her last text message. The journey would continue.
III.
JOURNAL OF HOPE MARCH 3rd to March 11th,
2012: BOOK THREE
The journey continued based on the small signals that I had perceived
that Danielle was giving me. The last text message that she sent me gave
hope that we were returning.
March 3rd, 2012:
Good afternoon, my beloved Danielle,
I sit here watching the grass grow swaying with the wind. I remember
as a child how I would wish upon a star for you, woman of such true love.
Now every day I still write in a journal of hope for when you return you
know that I am not like the others that hurt you or cheated on you. Set the
skies on fire, let the rain come down, draw lines in the sand. The truth lies in
our connection. I am the butterfly waiting to fly with you. IF you only knew
that you don’t have to give up on true love. I know you said you did because
you had to give up true love for your children. You don’t have to. I hope that
you are having a great family dinner night.
Dearest Danielle,
Where do I begin? The day you left me, the day you changed the
dynamic of our relationship. I fell apart. I tried to be the rock that I promised
you. I thought I could be strong enough. Instead I am weak because you left
me. What did I do wrong?
If telling you what I went through scared you please forgive me. I just
wanted to share my life with you. What did I do wrong?
March 5th, 2012:
I felt you yesterday in my soul and being. I am going to dream of you.
You always said you could sense my spirit when I thought of you. Everyone
in my life has left or rejected me or died. I know I can show you how to be
strong. Together we can do this. The days we talked about the future
together. How great it was to find your one true love.
March 6th, 2012:
Today is six weeks that we have been separated. I know you can feel
me. I believe in you and us. They say that I have changed at work. I refuse to
talk to anyone. Even when the General Manager called me a stupid bitch and
no wonder you left me. Who would fuck someone like me? I said nothing
because I feel as though he is right. You left me therefore I was not strong
enough. I look at people and see how blessed they are and wretched that my
life has become. I cannot even bear to write my novels any more.
A man came into my restaurant I and began crying that his ex
girlfriend shot and killed his dog. He cried and looked at me,
“I know you understand. How do we have hope when we are the ones
dying inside?”
I looked at him and said,
“Because at the end of the day we are the ones that stand up and we
have to…it’s our nature,”
After an hour he left however right before he left he said,
“You need to stand up too. People need to know your story.”
I spoke with Danny, my female server today about you and me and
she is trying so hard to help me. She said I have grown depressed and they
are worried that I might do something foul to myself. She reminded me that
you still had the engagement rings. I smiled for I remember that night.
March 7, 2012:
I sit here wondering about you. I know you loved and were in love
with me. You walked away. Everyone says that I did nothing wrong yet I
feel I did because at the end of the day you are not in my life. You won’t
even talk to me or text me. That hurts deeper than you realize.
Why should I believe? All my life I have helped people, protected
people, served this country and now this act of cruelty. Why was I allowed
to live if I was only going to be hurt again?
March 8th, 2012:
Its 12 am going into March 8th, 2012. I wrote the first ten pages of ON
HALLOWED GROUND. I know I was behind because I fell apart when you
left me. I decided to write so that you will come back to me. Tonight I will
call you and text you. I cannot seem to sleep. The nightmares are so intense.
They have returned and there is no way out. You knew how to wake me
from my dreams. I know how you felt and I know what we had was real.
Morning has come and I remember how every day I would wake you.
It looks to be a warm rain and how I wish I could wake with a rose and
warm kisses. Tonight I will try and call you. Perhaps lady luck will be on my
side. I find myself hardening. I feel like I am just going through the motions.
I know we were only together for six months however we loved deeply. You
showed me the beauty of love. You said you would never abandon me and
that I need to never worry because you will always protect me. I wrote a
poem while short; I wrote a poem for you.
SUMMER RAINS
With each day my soul prays
With each night my soul takes flight
For my sorrow has become a borough
No one seems to understand
They look at me with eyes of a pariah
For I still believe in you,
I still hope one day you shall come back
I cannot seem to get you out of me,
The rain comes and my soul cries
For I remember the nights you told me that
Life gave me to you as a gift.
I am crying because no one can answer what I did wrong. If I scared
you please forgive me. I should have never told you what I went through.
March 10, 2012:
It is twelve midnight going to Saturday. I am not going to text you for
three days. You did not respond at all this week to me. I admit that made me
sad. There was a time that you would respond instantly to me. All I can do is
leave it in the hands of fate.
You thought you were doing the right thing. I apologize however you
were wrong. YOU, YOU DANIELLE, begged and made me promise to
never give up on you or leave you behind. You even cried in my own bed as
you were holding me that you never wanted to leave me. That when we
made love you called me your wife, your one and only.
I know that I promised to be your rock however I am falling apart.
OMG OMG…I just read your status and you had just listened to three
songs on Facebook. I told my server Danny.
“There is hope. She still believes in me” I said.
Danny looked at me with these eyes of hers.
“You’ve treated her like a goddess, why wouldn’t she still love you?”
I chuckled and then with sad eyes I said,
“Because of what I went through people judge me. I am sorry that I
don’t know things like what to do on holidays. Or that I don’t know how to
read children’s stories. I only know how to love.”
Danny looked at me,
“You should never be rejected. She is lucky. You worked over 100
hours one week to come up with the down payment on your car so she could
have your car.”
The songs you listened to were:
I am a believer*
Daydream believer*
Somebody to love*
Bohemian Rhapsody.
Yes you still believe in love. You know that I am watching your
Facebook as I know that you are watching mine. That rocks. I am going to
send you a text. And it will read this infamous line from Wind Beneath My
wings.
“Did you ever know that you were my hero?
And everything that I wanted to be.
I can fly higher than an eagle
‘Cause you’re the wind beneath my wings.
May you have a great day at work and a great evening. I hope you are
well, know that I am here for you, no matter what. I love you, Kat.”
I sent you this text, in hopes that you would smile. You have not
responded to me since March 3rd, 2012. I will try and call you at 9:30 pm for
that is when your send your children to bed. Maybe I can reach you. It’s not
that I am trying to bug you. I wrote you a poem.
MISTS
The rain is misting. I think of you.
Though I know not what is going through your head and heart,
I only wish the best for you,
There was a time that we flew together as eagles
And I was flying with you.
I know you did what you thought best,
However if you only knew how much I missed you,
I understand that you were trying to ignore your heart,
Yet I cannot understand why you threw me away,
I was what you wished for,
I try and hide my sadness and I cannot
They say I have changed,
That I am not the same without you
Danny said that through me she realized
What she did with her true love,
She sees with my eyes how I have become.
I do not know what to think regarding this situation. So I wrote
another poem:
People don’t see how in the shadows we hide
When we do step in the light they look upon us
As thought we don’t belong because we are different
We speak, they laugh,
We do well and they take a stick and break our bones,
When we do talk, they walk because they say,
Who would listen to you and or want you
Their laughter becomes our poison,
Perhaps if they walked in my shoes
They would understand
We are the lost voices of time
March 11, 2012
It is Sunday morning and I get off at 6am from restaurant. I wrote the
above poem on Facebook, because it was how I was feeling. I know you did
love me and that you were in love with me.
I have become hardened and pushed everyone away. If the one person
I truly loved, who made me feel alive, could walk away and not even text me
then I must be trash. I even prayed today that my life be different and asked
God, Spirit whatever higher being there is,
“Why did you give me this life just to be a laughing stock? Please
forgive me for failing you, dearest Danielle. I only wanted to love you. I
thought you wanted the same. You understood me. You even told me that
you would protect me.
March 14th, 2012:
What a great day and good evening my beloved Danielle. It was great
to hear from you via text. You asked me if I was off tomorrow and that you
would call me and we would talk. I have sorely missed you. I know that I
still love you and am still in love with you.
March 15th, 2012:
You never called me. I texted you and you never called. A great day
of sadness lies ahead as I think of what I did so wrong to you that you could
just walk away. There has to be a way….yes…I will create a new
podcast….this series will be a way to reach you cause you said you always
watch my profile….
The next day at work I was saddened by the fact Danielle had never
called me. I even went to church and prayed. I remember saying a prayer
with a Christian in my restaurant and I asked her,
“I know I am different and that god has forgotten me but can you
say a prayer for me that my love will answer me. I know I don’t
deserve it ‘because I survived but perhaps in his mercy he will
answer my prayer?”
Claudine looked at me,
“Kat God has never forgotten you. You have gone lengths to reach the
one you love perhaps she doesn’t love you.”
I grew sad.
“No I know she does I still sense her”
In the future I would discover that the songs that Danielle was
listening to on Spotify on Facebook was actually about her new love with
her new girlfriend. Danielle knew that I was watching her profile. I had felt
it was some kind of wicked chess game and she was purposely trying to hurt
me. I continued to write my journals because of those songs that I perceived
was for me.
IV. JOURNAL OF HOPE MARCH 27th, 2012-MAY 1st,
2012: BOOK FOUR
March 27th, 2012:
I woke up for day shift. You know that my cell called you and so I
texted you to let you know. I do not understand why for ten days you have
not written me back. You and I are friends. That was the promise you gave
me. The hope that I have had. I refuse to give up on you. I love you and will
abide by my promise that I not leave you behind. I miss you so much that it
hurts. They say only time will tell. People that are supposedly my friends
have laughed at me saying that I am stupid for standing by your side. Then
the G.M. at the restaurant keeps telling me I am bitch and I am stupid and
who would love me. I will prove him wrong and make you proud of me. I
have decided to change careers and become a bartender. I know that you still
love me. I know because I can feel you in my soul. Why won’t you contact
me?
The clouds have rolled in and I think of you. I wonder how you are
doing and I would so love to hear your voice as I have done every morning
waking you up to make sure that you are awake for work. When we were
together I felt special because for the first time in my life someone really
loved me, genuinely cared about me. I loved you so deeply and I still do. I
am going to a bar tomorrow and apply for the bartender position. My goal is
t o work three days as a bartender. So it begins. You always said I could do
anything and that you admired me for standing up. I refuse to believe that
one day you just woke up and stopped loving me. Well I just won’t believe it
cause you promised me and you said that soul mates don’t break their
promises. I will fight for you. I know that your ex-husband never fought for
you and that your ex-girlfriend mistreated you. I will not do that. You will
see my beloved.
There are events that forever change a person. It is in the mists of the
gloaming that our soul roams and we find ourselves. We make discoveries,
cry under the moonlight and make a step to a new horizon. You told me to
create an empire and I am. I will take of you and your children with the
settlement I will receive. This year of 2012 is about finding my core, and my
depth. For almost 20 years I have been in management and while I was great
I was nothing because you were not there.
You loved me in such a passionate way. The way we light the candles,
how you pleasured me. How you said,
“You are my wife. I am dead without you in me,” with tears in your
eyes.
I am not afraid to take a stand because I know that you will be there
waiting for me. How you looked those nights in my arms. How you said,
“I have never slept peacefully until I was in your arms. You were
made for me”
March 29th, 2012:
My friend the voice of reason was trying to prove that you moved on
because you friend Ms. H. on Facebook and she said that you had a
relationship with her. I was just a toy to you. It hit me hard when you did not
respond. I went home drinking tequila wishing the pain would go away.
Why did I fail you? How did I fail you? I gave you a car, a laptop, roses,
love….curse my lawyer for failing to settle sooner. I would have given you
the money to make you happy.
I have given notice to I restaurant. What is the use of being a manager
when I am being called a bitch for believing in love? He called me a stupid
bitch and who would love me. He said.
“You’re so stupid that your bitch left you for another woman.
You are that which should be burned on the grill and discarded”
my general manager stated.
I cannot be around here anymore. I am trash. I don’t want to be here
anymore. I keep looking out into the dining room and remembering how you
visited me.
March 31, 2012:
It is now 2am Saturday, March 31, 2012:
I restaurant corporation has found out what the General Manager said and
are fearful of a lawsuit. I told them to screw themselves. They give up on
people. I refuse to give up on Danielle.
The director of operations said to me,
“I hope that you are right. You are risking your career on true love. Is
any person worth that?” he said.
“If we do not stand by the ones we love then who will?” I asked.
I never told them that you refuse to contact me and that I feel like a
failure. The nightmares are continuous. Last night I dreamt of the time I was
12 years old. Kendra, my so called mother took my show rabbit and broke
its neck.
She laughed,
“You belief in life is futile. You keep believing that life is grand.
It is not.”
I cried asking,
“Why did you kill my rabbit, Rex? I asked crying.
Kendra responded with,
“Because you loved the damn rabbit; everything you love I will kill. I
will break you.”
I woke up crying and begging spirit please stop these dreams. I
apologize for living. Please tell me what I did wrong. Yet, I still wake up.
Why are you not contacting me? Why? You are such a mystery Danielle to
which I will find out why and I will find out what I did wrong. I will find a
way to make it right and show you that I can be your rock.
1-you said you needed time and space
2-you stopped talking to me on March 14, 2012
2-Then the other day you friend a woman on Facebook called Ms. H.
who only has one friend. My friend the voice of reason said it’s because you
are involved with her. HOW and WHY? You said I would be the first
woman that you would date. So I am going to find out what I can do to be
the one that will be your rock. I sent a friend into the coffee shop that she
works at and she said that she just saw you at 6:30am. What have I done?
You are driving by my restaurant and ignoring me to see her at 6:30am.
Why? I would understand if you just talk. Don’t you know that on New
Year’s Eve that you said you were at a catering event however on Facebook
you checked in at an event in Houston at the View Lounge. I got the
message than that you were seeing your ex-girlfriend in Houston.
Why are you running?
I will not give up on you.
April 1st, 2012:
I had a gypsy come into the restaurant that gave me a reading. The
gypsy said that my passion for life would guide my destiny. She was
actually able to read me however there was a part that deeply concerned me.
She said that my lover was dishonest. She said that my lover was using me
to get somewhere. I had become agitated at this knowledge. I knew that what
the gypsy was saying was true. However I could not bring myself to face the
truth. The gypsy said that there was a family that I would guide at first. This
family that I would meet would lead me to my true destiny. This creped me
out because in my meditation in the last two months I have heard spirit
telling about this family. Has everyone lost their damn marbles? What is
going on? I started to become angry at what this gypsy was telling me. I
literally kicked her out of my restaurant and told her to learn how to read. I
told that she can never be in my restaurant again or I will kick her out.
I told you I would defend you and I will ‘til the end of time. I would
move the heavens and stars for you. I promise you that I will see you again.
Tonight is my last night at restaurant I. I swear to you that I will find
you and bring you home like you asked me to do.
April 4th, 2012:
I sent you a text and today and called you. There was no response. I
am sitting outside on my patio. I am reflecting on all the changes in my life.
I am just trying to understand why you don’t respond to me. I don’t mean to
be a pest it’s just I want to talk to you and see how you are doing. It really
bothers me that you said we were friends you will not even talk to me. It
haunts me because I feel like I did something wrong. Tell me and I will fix
it. Please, Danielle answer me. I have been sitting out here for an hour and
it’s a full moon outside. It reminds me how beautiful you are and you would
look at me. I wish I could see your eyes again. How you would look into my
eyes during the moments of intimacy. How you said my name during the
moments of the orgasms we would have.
April 6th, 2012:
OMG I saw you under the bridge. You were honking at me and when
I realized it was you, you just drove on waving at me. Come back. I did not
see you. Please, Danielle call me. Don’t you know I have been waiting for
you!!!
April 7th, 2012:
I woke at 1am due to the adjustment of working day shift. I am so sad
and depressed. Where are you, my dearest and beloved? I have done
everything you have asked of me. I miss you and our friendship.
Dearest Danielle,
In the deepest of places, unexpected events take place that help us
Find ourselves. You are a catalyst to me. You said you would teach
me new experiences. I have learned. I am ready. I was awoken by the
winds, watch the clouds move, I have found my strength. The silence
that once filled my darkness with echoes now shows me that our
journey that lies ahead is filled with light. You said you would always
love me no matter what. You were happy to find your true love in
your life. I have sent you a Happy Easter. I have always hated Easter.
I remember on Easter how Kendra my so called mother would lock
me up in the dog kennels. There was one year that she was extremely
angry. She took me and chained me to a chair. She then placed water
at my feet and electrocuted me with a cattle prod. She kept asking me,
“Where is your fucking god now? Submit to me bastard child!!!”
I had blood on my mouth as I said,
“He is everywhere. He is in me. He will see you do this”
and she laughed this particular Easter of my 13th year of Easter as she had
three men rape me in the chair.
“Let your God see this, you fucking bitch,” she laughed.
I remember that you promised that you would show me a different
side to Easter. Now it has come and there is nothing. What did I do wrong? I
just…I had hope that one day I could see Easter with someone I loved. You
were her and I failed you because you won’t acknowledge my existence.
Why?
I know that you taught me how to allow a woman to make love to me.
I never allowed anyone to make love to me until you came along. I am sorry
if I failed in being enough.
I have to stop this self pity. I promised you to be a rock. I am trying
Danielle, I really am.
April 8th, 2012:
Happy Easter, Danielle, I wish I was there with you. I guess I failed
once again. I am going to bed now. I am going to sleep this day away. You
have shown me that people like me don’t deserve Easter. Dear Spirit or
God…in my next life make me a lady bug so I don’t have to experience
holidays. Everyone has their family and I have the memories of rape and
torture.
April 10th, 2012:
I met with Ms. Kay, the voice of Reason as I have come to call her.
She is amazed that I still have hope that you will return. I said that you
promised you would return to me. Yet there is sadness deep within me. I am
not sure that you will. I think you wanted me to die in that fire; that you
wanted to never love me. I wish I was never born so that I would not have to
be the one to live this pain.
April 12th, 2012:
It’s raining downtown and I am thinking of you. I have had several
friends ask if I have heard from you. I said you were well. I will always hold
you in high regard. I wish I had not failed you. It figures. I failed Sarah by
not standing up and now I failed you. I know that they broke my back. I
should have been able to stand up. Forgive me my dearest sister for failing
you.
April 13th, 2012:
Today is one month since you stopped talking to me. I am nothing. I
failed the very woman I swore to love and the one woman who asked me to
marry her. God is cruel with giving me a history that I have. Perhaps one day
I can find atonement.
April 14th, 2012:
Good morning Danielle. I keep writing you because I believe one day
that you and I will talk again. You said that we would be friends. The birds
outside are chirping. So much I have had to deal with since you have left me.
I pray every day to God and to spirit asking for forgiveness for failing you.
You said I was what you wanted. Now you have thrown me away. Why?
Today is thirty days since you stopped texting me. What did I do
wrong? I promise I won’t ever tell anyone you know that I was abused. I
will make a lie up. I promise I will learn how to celebrate holidays. Just tell
me what I did wrong. Is it money? I will work three jobs to make you proud.
I have changed outspoken to OUTSPokenWymn. You will love this new
series. Did you know that I created this podcast to show you not to give up?
Danielle, there were nights when I was a child I wanted to die during the
rapes and abuse however I did not. Then when I found you I knew I lived to
find you and love you. But you threw me away. I am strong. I have faith for
the both of us. I created an empire like you asked me to do. OMG, the car
ran over you. I tried and called you but you sent me to voice mail. Why is
this woman Ms. H saying you are a woman of many talents. You said I was
the one that you ever submitted to, that I was the first one to ever make you
feel like a woman. It figures that I would mess up. You once told me,
“Honey, if there was anything wrong you would sense it.
Trust me. We are connected”
I will always love you and you must know this. However I feel like I
am fighting a losing battle. This might be the first time I will not stand up. I
don’t feel like I should stand up. Maybe I should lie down and be the dog
everyone says I am. You who took my engagement ring have shown that I
am a failure.
April 16th, 2012:
I hope that your daughter had a great 16th birthday. I remember the
night we were making love and you said that you wish that you could have
my child with me. Oh lord what have I done. I should have kept quiet. No
one wants to know I was a survivor. Why do I fight when I know I will be
the loser? I guess only the good guys win. Perhaps in the next life I might
know what family is. I am drinking a whole bottle of Tequila Rose. I wish
that you were here however why would you be here? I failed you. Go ahead
and laugh because no one else cares.
April 17th, 2012:
One day we might see each other. Please just say hello to me. I miss
the nights when I would hold you as you fell asleep in my arms. I miss the
way you looked at me. How you would moan my name in your orgasms.
Who am I to have such happiness? I am the maggots that I once had to eat at
dinner when I was a child.
April 19th, 2012:
I met a friend online at Facebook who gave me a reading. He was
different than Saundra at Bermuda. His name is Raymond. He did the tarot
differently than most people. He would pull a tarot card then write a poem
that was associated with the book. Raymond immediately said that I was
condemning myself because of what I went through as a child. He said that I
needed to believe. I asked why I should believe when the woman I loved left
me. He said that perhaps it was not meant to be. I began crying for no
reason. And he said,
“Kat don’t you get it. She sent you back. When she left you she
reopened the wounded child that everyone tortured and raped. You for
years hid so no one knew..Yet this whole time you have been crying.”
I cried even more because he was right. I sobbed so heavily that he
said I needed to breathe.
“Kat, you have been everyone’s hero. Who is your hero?” he asked.
“I don’t expect heroes” I responded.
I remember his sigh and he said,
“Honey, you love deeply because of the evil you saw.
If Danielle never returns please stand up. People need you!
I said sarcastically,
“WHY because there is a family….and why so they can
laugh at me not knowing how to match colors, or laugh at me.
Because I don’t know how to celebrate a holiday or know what it
means to celebrate a birthday.”
He sighed,
“You are so angry. YOU need to stand for the voices that can never
speak. The truth is that Danielle disrespects you. The cards even
Say that. She dislikes that you refused to manifest for her.
For so long you have been a guardian to others. Perhaps you
now need to teach another person to become a shaman as you
are a shaman.”
I lit a cigarette and said,
“I am tired of being the hero”
I remember his voice so calmly.
“Some heroes are the artists that light the path for others. Your legacy
shall be your words.”
I cried even more for I knew the truth he spoke. Why is every tarot
reader and gypsy I am going to talking about this mysterious family I am
supposed to teach? Really?
April 22, 2012:
I know I am skipping days in writing you however it’s getting harder
and harder to write you. I feel like an abandoned dog left to the elements of
the earth. I hope that your life is well. I cannot find anyone to speak to
regarding my grief over you leaving me. Those that I have found say that I
was stupid for loving anyone and that I should have never said anything
about my past. I thought honesty was the best policy? I guess I was wrong. I
wish at times that I did die when I was a child because then I would have
never failed you and then you would have never left me.
April 23rd, 2012:
Baby girl I left you a text message and a voice mail. I have failed you
as I have failed my son. I should have been home that day instead of going
to college when he was kidnapped. I should have never told you about my
past. I have written a poem for you.
THE RISING-THE DIACONOMY
In the hours of darkness no one knows my own heartbeat, the ways to
which I create,
Within the legends of time no one knew me in a way that you did,
Sitting under the moonlight I listen to the tides of life’s song,
The silence echoes unto my world for she now walks in the shadows
of Luna.
This night I sit under the gateway of the moonlight,
Each waking day I pray unto thee for an answer
When one night a shadow came unto me,
“Child of light can you forgive use for what we have done?”
Slowly a smile came unto me,
“For years I have protected for years I have followed the di’arta”
The shadow bowed its head,
“You took the one thing that meant the most just to see if I would
become stronger, you took my true love, why?” I dost asked.
The wind came thru the willow tree,
“I refuse to give up, this I pray tell you my path though I walk alone,”
The light of the moon swept through glistening unto the waters as
Black Panther
Began to rise from the waters,
The spirit the shadow begins to back up,
“Etore panthera, how is this possible?”
I stand up smiling,
“Humanity is but a shell of dreams. My spirit the spirit of love will
not bend.
I will not give up. IF I alone must speak for my soul mate, then I shall
for I am me.”
April 25th, 2012:
I thought of you today and I sense that you might try and reach out to
me. I said a little prayer and lit a white candle.
I love you and will stand by you. I vow to you that I will show what
true love does. I know that you remain silent and that is your way. I will
stand guard waiting for you. No matter what I do nothing seems to be
reaching you. I went on a dream quest...nothing. I created podcasts to reach
you…nothing. I have texted you…nothing…I guess I am nothing to you.
I remember the way you used to look at me. I remember the first
DATE.
MAY 1ST, 2012:
I wish you would talk to me. I am having dreams that you have moved
on, that you no longer love me and that what we had was just your way of
getting what you wanted - that you used me. Please tell me that I am wrong.
I wish you would respond to me, even if to tell me to go to hell. You
just stopped talking to me. Yet I see on Facebook that you are reading my
messages thanks to a new feature that they have. Why are you ignoring me?
I know that I am persistent however I refuse to give up. I made a
promise to you and I am not going to break it. All my life I have fought for
what I believe in and I will fight for you no matter what.
It takes one belief to carry a nation. It’s an old expression meaning it
only take one to carry a group. I will carry you if I have to. I know I have
been calling you and texting you to reach out to you and you have not
answered. Please forgive me for however what is wrong Danielle?
I have learned that we need to stand by one another and I will stand by you
no matter what? I will forgive you no matter what because I know I am
different. I must go as I am crying right now and I can’t seem to compose
myself.
V.
OUTSPokenWYN
On March 14th, 2012, Danielle sends me a text that would become the
last text. I would never receive another text after this one. Danielle texts me
asking if I was off the next day and that she would call me. Danielle never
called. Danielle never responded to my calls to her as I waited for her call to
me. For thirty days I pondered this meaning. It did not make sense. Why
would someone text someone that they were going to call and never call?
I take all of Danielle’s letters that she ever sent to me and had several
friends look at them. I wanted them to analyze the letters to see what the hell
was going on and what I was missing. There had to be an answer. Jack was
the last one to read the letters that Danielle sent me. I had known that if
anyone could interpret the letters that Jack could. He was very good at
interpreting.
Jack looks at me across the table holding the letters in his hands
shaking his head in confusion.
“I don’t know what to say, Kat. Based on these texts, Danielle is very
deeply in love with you. This is crazy. What the hell is wrong with her?”
Jacks asks.
I sit at the booth in the restaurant. Nothing made sense.
“I don’t get it. I get that I am different but this is off the chart.”
Jack looks at me with dismay,
“Just keep moving forward, she will come back. I mean for the love of
Spirit she herself said that you were better than what she asked for. Even
talked of how she wanted to spend the rest of her life with you.”
I had an idea. I just had to figure out how to make it a reality.
“What if she thinks she can’t do it? What if there are other people
thinking like this?” I said.
“Oh Jesus what are you thinking, Kat?” Jack asks.
I started to write down a plan.
“What if I create a new podcast series geared to lesbian women?
showing them that they are not alone that they are strong enough. If Danielle
sees this video series like she has been watching all my podcasts from One
Voice then she will realize that she is not alone. Then she will make contact
and we can talk,”
“Only you Kat. You just won’t give up, “Jack chuckles.
For the next month I would examine the lesbian culture and how life
impacted us. Originally the series was going to be called OUTSPOKEN. A
dear friend, Ms. Deb, reminded me that outspoken was already copyrighted.
I decided to change it to OUTSPokenWYN. The name change would not
occur ‘til April 15th, 2012.
The first podcast was on April 14th, 2012. I stood in front of the
camera and passionately said,
“In the milestones of who we are, it took one voice to change our
future. We will not give in. One voice was originally designed to do
quick reality type camera snip its sending a message of hope into the
community. Today marks a historic change of the evolution of One
Voice. One voice shall now give rise to a new mini-series called
OUTSPokenWYN It is not enough to send the message of hope. It
is not enough to stand by a friend and say it will get better. One must
show one must really talk about our life because in doing so we are not
alone. OUTSPOKEN shall be ann open forum discussing every day
things that might be affecting us. The greatest search that people are
looking for is connection…”
The podcast lasted six minutes and eight seconds.
You can find the link to the podcast at
http://www.Facebook.com/photo.php?v=361020357277396
On April 16th, 2012 I created Episode 2 titled “The Measure of a
Woman”. Every day we are judged and measured for either performance, if
we are good mother, a good friend, a lover, etc. Then assumptions are made
and we try to live up to those expectations. Enough! We live our lives; don't
we have enough to deal with?
On April 19th, 2012 I created Episode 3; Catalysts of Change. We all
have changes in our life...sometimes we make mistakes...sometimes we cry
at night and laugh in the day...come with me to the edge and let's fly...
On April 24th, 2012 I decided to do Episode 4: Womyn and Love. My
thought was damn it I know she is watching these podcasts. Why the hell is
Danielle not responding? I decided to do one last ditch effort to try and reach
her. You have the right and deserve to be loved.
OUTSPokenWYN began to take a life of its own. I was not paying
attention to the various lives it was touching. I began receiving the following
comments as feedback. It blew me away. They read as the following:
FROM EPISODE ONE:
1-Very well said Katherine! I too believe that we all need someone to
listen or talk or just let us know that we are valued as a person. I am
excited for your new journey and new found strength! Continue with
your path and never give up on what you feel in your heart to be truth.
Love the concept and am here to contribute as well. Peace and Love to
you and all of us that are fighting to just be who we are.
FROM EPISODE TWO:
1- Saw your video, you are such an advocate! I agree!
2- Thanks for the advice on the cookies it worked. LOL. The SUPER
Mom syndrome been there done that and realized that I worried to
much about what other people thought I should be and now I am
me, and I like me! There are times I slip back, but I try to just be.
FROM EPISODE THREE:
1- Just saw your video.....You are full energy......I have heard this
way. "You got to stand for something.....or you will fall for
anything"
FROM EPISODE FOUR:
1- Love is such a truth within us that craves to come out to be given
and received. No one has the right to tell you who to love! I
believe that we all have to be strong within ourselves to fight for
our right to love who we love PERIOD!!! Thank you Katherine for
bringing all us women into the light of our truths, God bless you
and keep up the good work.
2- SUCH AN AMAZING VIDEO!! Honestly, I had goose bumps the
whole time. I wish that more people, especially women, had your
passion and your drive. Don't give up! Even when you feel ignored
or persecuted. You ARE making a difference. Don't give up...don't
be content on what you do today. Do more tomorrow!! Thank you
so much for your support and your continuous efforts to fight for
our right and get our ONE VOICE out there!! Hugs, prayers and
thanks to you, Kat!! :)_
While initially I created OUTSPokenWYN as a venue in hopes
that Danielle might be watching, the series grew a life of its own. My
discovery and realization of how it was touching lives led me to take
the series to a different direction. The series needed me and it was
time to start doing my calling and help others.
Today I appreciate that in the past my desperation led to this
series, I often wonder about my past self during this time of
processing. I look upon myself then and see a desperate inner child
wanting to be loved so much that she was in chaos, consumed with
trying to find self value. I really that that I needed Danielle to love me
to validate my own existence. The truth is that I needed to validate
myself. I took the loss of Danielle’s love as the loss of my mother’s
love. I did not realize that at the time when this was going on. I was
wounded person trying to make sense of the reality that I was in.
I truly loved Danielle with all my heart and soul. She was the
first woman I was ever in love with and returned my love for a time.
She awakened me on so many levels including my womanhood
sexually. While at the time, I was hurt by Danielle, I found
appreciation down the road. Danielle was my catalyst of change.
Danielle’s actions, behavior and words confused me during this
time with her mixed messages that I perceived as a glimmer of hope. I
was in a reactive mindset. A reactive mindset occurs when a person is
in chaos and their mind begins to create stories as to why the chaos is
going on to reestablish a balance. The mind then begins to react to all
emotions as an attempt to do a system restore in the chaos.
I do feel embrassement as I reacted so strongly and desperately.
My inner child was crying. The loss of Danielle’s love triggered my
memories of the past. I tried not to face my inner child that was in
pain because she reminded me of the pain I had endured and never
dealt with. Yet her pain would become my strength to seek counseling
and healing discovering myself.
VI. DAY OF FREE COFFEE
The date is May 3rd, 2012, a prelude to a truth that I would discover
on May 8th 2012. I remember this day that my acquaintance Anne called
me. She always found out the strangest things. She would show up at the
most unusual times. She was just getting off work and went to this coffee
shop. This particular coffee shop always gave free coffee away on
Thursdays. Anne was calling me to let me know that she was going to the
coffee shop. I told her to stop haunting the coffee shop. She laughed as she
went inside the coffee shop when suddenly Anne’s cell phone went silent as
she was talking to me. I was like what the hell is going on. After fifteen
minutes Anne would tell what happened.
Anne went inside the coffee shop. There were a lot of people there
getting free coffee. Anne approached the counter and she gasps when she
realizes who was behind the counter. She immediately placed her phone in
her pocket. The woman was Danielle.
Danielle looks at Anne becoming unnerved realizing who Anne was.
Danielle has a pale face at the realization that this woman found her and was
going to tell me.
“What can I get you?” Danielle asks.
Anne tries to play it off realizing oh shit this is Kats ex finance behind
the counter. Anne thought what the hell was really going on? This was so
wrong on so many levels. Katherine was at home calling people every day
wondering why Danielle won’t call her. Danielle had said that she worked
for a catering company. Worse yet this coffee shop was only five minutes
away from Kat’s restaurant. Danielle never once reached out to her.
“Hey, how’s it going?” Anne asks.
Danielle becomes very forceful and stern,
“What can I get you?” Danielle demanded.
“Hmm…coffee?” Anne asks.
“Hot or cold?” Danielle asks.
“Hot.” Anne responds.
Danielle pours the coffee and gives Anne a card about financial
services. Danielle taps on the counter.
“Check this out” Danielle stated.
Danielle wasn’t friendly with Anne. Danielle wanted Anne out of the
shop. Once Danielle served Anne her coffee she was ignored by Danielle. It
was to the point of rudeness. Anne is shocked as she walks out of the coffee
shop walking to her truck.
“Kat, you won’t believe who just served me coffee? Anne said.
I was very upset for being ignored for like fifteen minutes.
“Who?” I ask.
“Danielle. She was behind the counter and her daughter was there
along with the woman that owns the shop.”
I almost choked on my cigarette. I suddenly reflected on what the
voice of reason told me back in March. On March 20th, 2012 Danielle had
befriended this woman on a social media platform, who only had one friend.
It would be revealed that this was her girlfriend. The voice of reason told
me,
“Only one reason someone friends someone that has only one friend.
They are involved.”
I was in shock over Danielle working at the coffee shop. What the hell
was really going on? I was determined to friend the coffee shop owner on
Facebook and put a stop to everyone that was telling me that Danielle moved
on. Danielle just needed time and space. I had thought this so strongly. The
journey would soon come to an end.
VII. A TRUTH REVEALED
Nothing was making sense after Anne’s discovery of Danielle
working behind the counter in the coffee shop. Why would Danielle be
working there? If she had been working there this whole time, five minutes
away from me, then why didn’t she stop by and at least say goodbye, hello
or go to hell? I began to put the pieces of the odd puzzle together. All the
times, she wouldn’t introduce me to the family but as a friend, the recent
missed dates, and her distance. The picture was forming to something that I
didn’t like. The answer to finding out came. Facebook. On May 7th, 2012, I
decided to reach out to the coffee shop owner whom I shall only call the
Coffee Shop. I thought that since Danielle was working that this might be
the opportunity to reach out to Danielle, and find the truth. My intentions
were twofold. To make contact with Danielle and find out why she was there
working. I was deeply concerned due to the lack of contact. Danielle never
followed up on us having drinks. Danielle went completely silent in her
communications. Danielle had not returned any of my phone calls since
March 14th, 2012. The trick was to gain the trust of the coffee shop owner so
that she would communicate the truth. I would need to befriend her on
Facebook first, and then get the answers in a roundabout way. A trick I have
learned from being a district manager and restaurant manager that I utilized
on my crew.
I went to face book to find the owner of the Coffee Shop. The actual
name of the business has been changed. The Coffee Shop immediately
accepted my friendship on face book and we began texting to each other.
The Coffee Shop admitted that she was the owner. Excellent. I started to get
excited thinking that I might find Danielle and tell her that I love her. The
Coffee Shop and I begin a series of text messages to each on private instant
messenger. I always keep my texts. A ritual I learned in management in case
I ever need them.
The coffee shop responds,
“Thank you for adding us as a friend. We take great pride in our
coffee and believe it is among the best in the area!”
What a great opportunity as I love coffee. I now had a common
ground to talk with this owner and lead into finding out any information on
Danielle. I take a sip of my coffee.
“You are welcome. I will have to come and visit your shop. I have
heard a lot of your shop and that your coffee surpasses Starbucks.”
I waited to see what she was going to say as I lit a cigarette sitting
behind my laptop anxiously waiting to get to the main point.
The coffee shop responds,
“We have special hours this week as we support teacher appreciation
week and other community events. We will be open 6-2 Mon-Thur and 6-10
Fri and Sat and will be closed Sunday for Mother's Day.
That was nice now that I know the hours of the coffee shop. I decided
to carry on with more idle small talk. This would put the owner at ease and
build up to finding more information.
“Okay that is good to know. However you have regular hour’s next
week right?” I text.
The Coffee Shop responds with,
“We deliver and cater events as well.”
The owner just texted the magic word catering. Danielle was a team
captain for one of the most prominent catering companies here in San
Antonio Texas. If I could start a conversation about catering, I could say I
know someone that could help her if she ever needed it. Then I could say
yeah my friend is Danielle.
“That is also awesome, catering can be intense. By the way my name
is Kat. I work downtown and help set up in the mornings and I admire those
in caterings.”
I had hoped that by mentoring catering that somehow Danielle would
come up in the conversation. I waited patiently as I continued to texted the
owner of the coffee shop. All I knew so far was the owner was a woman,
hours of operation and that they do catering. I take a deep breath in and out.
“We have been involved for many years in catering and service.” The
Coffee Shop texted.
“That is great. It’s a pleasure to meet you. Do you have soy for your
coffee?” I asked.
Thoughts were going crazy in my head. I wanted so much to just bust
out and ask her about Danielle. However, that would spook the owner. I
needed to establish a line of trust with this person. In establishing trust, the
owner would freely tell me what I needed to know. Why was Danielle
working at the coffee shop behind the counter when Anne came in? I needed
to put my mind to rest about Danielle and figure out what was really going
on.
“We offer several dairy free options including soy, rice, coconut and
almond alternatives. My name is Hilda, and it is a pleasure meeting you.”
Now I knew that the owner’s name was Hilda. That was a good sign
in communication. She was beginning to get personal with me.
“You are welcome just thought you should know...how long has your
shop been open now...that must be intense being a G.M. of a coffee shop or
are you the owner..I love to get to know people. We never know how we can
help one another.” I texted.
“I own the coffee shop, and several other businesses. I have had the
coffee shop about 6 months.”
Now it was getting annoying a little bit. Hilda was talking about her
business. I needed to figure out how to get more in depth with her. I decided
to talk about my achievements by texting,
“that rocks...what are the other businesses that you own? you sound
multi talented like me...I write books, bartend downtown, do private parties
as a bartender and work as an activist in the gay and lesbian community.”
The coffee shop texts,
“I also am a business consultant and an activist in the gay and lesbian
community.”
Bingo I thought. The owner is lesbian and she sees herself as an
activist in the community. I knew exactly where to invite her to in order to
see her response. Once she realizes that I am a lesbian too, she will really
open up.
“That is great....you should check out this networking event on
Wednesday night. It’s at a local wine and pub 6pm to 9pm and it’s for
lesbian’s women business owners.it’s free to attend”
“Very interesting...I will have to see what mine and my partners
schedule is like so I can try to attend.”
The text was coming in, as I lit another cigarette when I saw partner’s
schedule. Suddenly, I became very nervous the moment the coffee shop
owner said partner. I feared that this woman would say that her partner was
Danielle. My apartment door suddenly knocks. I run to the door. What
timing. I am trying to find the truth. It was some woman going door to door
selling perfume. I just look at her,
“No thanks, I rather stink today. Bye.” I said abruptly closing the door
and running back to the computer.
What do I do now? Was that the reason Danielle was at the coffee
shop? I needed push forward to find the truth. I was scared of her answer.
“It is always a great honor to meet a fellow activist. That rocks...I will
put you and your partner on the list so that there will be a seat saved for
you...Even if you don’t attend or not able to at least your names will be
there...sound cool sorry for the play on word::) I will tell the facilitators.
They are always happy to see new folk may I ask your partners name so I
might put it on the list instead of saying partner”
I stayed clued to the laptop waiting to see what the name of her
partner is. I was beginning to breathe heavy, panicking. So many thoughts
were running in my head. While waiting I ask God,
“Please don’t say Danielle.”
She responds,
“Sounds great! Thank you. Danielle”
The moment that Hilda, The Coffee Shop owner, typed the name of
her partner as Danielle, reality changed. My heart sank to the very depths of
my stomach. I became nauseas over the whole idea. While I wanted to know
why Danielle had been at the coffee shop, I didn’t expect that truth. I jumped
off my bed screaming, “It can’t be true.” The owner had no reason to lie to
me as she obviously didn’t know who I was. If she didn’t know who I was
then Danielle never told her about me. My thoughts went to “does this
woman know what she just walked into?” It was not my place to tell this
woman. I frantically put out my cigarette and lit another one.
I do have the right to know all of the truth since Danielle rejected
proper closure. I decided to continue the text conversation to see what else I
could learn. I kept reminding myself, stay calm, find the truth and all will be
revealed.
Slowly, I type,
“Wow. Congratulations. How long have you two been together as
partners or do you mean business partners....it’s always great to see fellow
ladies out there doing it.”
A part of me was hoping that I had jumped to conclusions that
partners meant intimate partners. Perhaps she meant only business partners.
“Both...we have one company together so far and looking to add more
over time.”
“Wow, business and personal....that must be hard to
juggle....Congratulations.”
I want to puke saying the words of congratulations however I needed
to say that word to learn more of the truth. A company together, business
and personal was devastating to me. Back in October of 2011, Danielle
revealed to me that one of her dreams was to own a bar. I thought it would
be cool to buy one for her. I had asked Jack if he knew anyone that might be
selling a bar. Jack said that he would look around. I even asked Jack that if
we found a bar to buy would he be security and he agreed. In my excitement
I had told Danielle who responded with,
“I could never work with the woman that I sleep with, involved with
and work with. Nothing against you but I want you to be my own private
sanctuary.”
Now it’s revealed she is sleeping with the woman that she works with
at the coffee shop that owns it and they are planning on more business’s.
How far does this rabbit hole go?
“It actually is very easy for us and I am very blessed” the coffee shop
types”
Now this woman is going to rub it in how easy it is for them. Okay
Kat, calm down. She doesn’t know who she is texting to. I felt betrayed. I
worked my ass off to get my days off with Danielle. Yet Danielle found time
to be with Hilda, the owner of this coffee shop. How does that work? My
instant thought went to “Bitch, do you know the hell I went through to be
with you?” I needed to continue.
“That is so fantastic when personal partners come together and have a
business...How long have you been together if I may ask...I always tell
people love is blessed”
“We have known each other for quite a while, but officially been
together three months,” she responds.
The moment she typed officially I instantly thought “what about
unofficially” What did the hell did I walk into? I take a deep sigh and
continue to type.
“Congratulations ..officially and unofficially. She sounds like a good
woman. Congrats!
I am by far not happy for them. I am pissed. This woman was gloating
that she was with Danielle.
“Thank you,” the coffee shop types.
“Sounds serious...well know that I am happy for you,” I respond.
“Thank you very much. I'd like to think we are as we move forward in
business and personal ventures,” she types.
I needed to know more.
“Is the relationship serious....I know from having a business that a
strong foundation at home is key.” I type as I hold back tears.
“Yes. We have a very solid foundation that we continue to build upon
as we merge our businesses and families and seek more new and diverse
opportunities on each front.
I was crushed in my heart and soul. Danielle and I made plans last
December to have me move in with her in March of 2012. Now she is living
with this woman and merging their families. Where had I been in this
equation? I was her finance who was giving her time and space.
“Well, much luck on your love...You have my blessing because
Danielle is a great person,” I typed back. The very fact that I wrote much
love on their luck was making me sicker. I couldn’t handle it anymore. I
went to the bathroom and threw up. I clean up and go back to the computer.
“Thank you very much! I appreciate and invite all blessings. I think
we can never have enough positive energy flowing our way” she responded.
“Yes...let her know please that an old friend KAT said hello”
“I will let her know tonight when she gets home. It has been lovely
chatting and I always enjoy talking to business minded women,” she typed.
When she gets home? Oh no, this is not happening. I thought fucking
aye, they are living together. What the hell was I thinking in finding the
truth? I was not going to tell this woman who I was until she said that. Then
I realized wait a few months that means in February when I gave Danielle
the car and she lied about not being with someone. No Ma’am this woman
has a right to know and I was going to hit hard.
“Thank you for telling me the truth....let her know that her ex finance
says hello. and that I wish you much happiness...Everything happens for a
reason..Have a great day....That means Feb. 7th (3 months), right
after
the breakup and before signing over the car...interesting...Either way...There
is a spot saved for you and
Danielle on Wednesday....Anything you
ever need let me know only because it’s
Danielle. Have a great night
and many blessings. NAMASTÉ and blessings, Kat”
I realized the truth. Danielle was with Hilda prior to me giving
Danielle the car. I realized that Danielle played me so I would hand over the
car to her. The truth hit me like a ton of bricks. Danielle was never coming
back. Danielle lied that she needed time and space to figure out her family. I
was nothing to Danielle. Danielle wanted to get rid of me to be with Hilda. I
thought that Danielle was a mother fucking coward. I wanted the new
girlfriend to figure that out. I had to tell her however I did not want to come
across as an evil ex girlfriend. Danielle told a lie and the new girl had to
know. I did not want to see her get hurt either like I had been hurt by
Danielle.
After this instant message conversation I reacted out of anger and
texted Danielle the following text messages:
TEXT ONE:
“Afternoon…Why couldn’t you tell me that you moved on…your
current girlfriend told me that you and her were partners for three
months…both personal and business..I would have done anything
for you…I would have understood…You said I would be the first to
date…you promised me to have
hope..I don’t get it..I love you
deeply and you made me feel like I am nothing. Irony is if you
were to talk to me I would still love you and be there because I
promised you. Instead I have everyone else telling me that I am an
idiot to believe…forgive me that I was not enough for you…I never
wanted to be different.”
TEXT TWO:
“I even disavowed friends because they did not believe in us. What
you did was worse than any rape that my mother did to me. You lied about
our promises, your promises, getting married to me. You and my mother are
the same manipulative people. The funny thing is I still believe in you and
love …all you had to do was tell me and not have your girlfriend tell me
how you merged your families and what not…either way…many blessing
to you..I am going back to my corner and finish crying.”
TEXT THREE
“I apologize if I seem snarky. I felt like and still feel like nothing
because this woman claiming to be your girlfriend is telling how great
it is to be with you….I don’t get it…was I that bad…have a good
day.” Danielle never responded to the text messages. I was at a loss at
her lack of response. I would have responded. She was a coward in
my eyes.
ANOTHER DAY OF TRUTH
The date is May 8th, 2012. Danielle didn’t respond to any of the
texts that I sent her last night. The comment about my mother was
exceptionally cruel however I am angry. Now my thoughts started to
think about the new girlfriend. What if they compared notes? The new
girlfriend had done nothing wrong. I was feeling a little guilty that I
had played her to get the answers that I was seeking. I wanted to
apologize. I waited anxiously to see her response. I sat down at my
computer and saw that she had responded.
“I'm sorry that I dropped a bomb for you. I had no idea when we were
talking that you were Danielle's ex. I had absolutely no intention of coming
across as gloating or anything else as I didn't know.” The coffee shop
responded.
This was my chance to apologize.
“It’s okay. It was a surprise because I did not expect Danielle to move
on so quickly I have nothing against you. Please, don’t worry.”
“I apologize when we began speaking and even after until your last
comment I had no idea.” I could that by the coffee shop kept apologizing
that she didn’t know who I was.
“It’s okay, as long as Danielle is happy,” I texted.
It was not okay. However I wasn’t going to show envy or sadness. I
was not going to give Danielle that satisfaction. I felt that Danielle played a
game on me. How dare she go to my friends and say how she was in love
with me. How dare she make a promise to me that she would never abandon
me. I was beyond devastated. I was bested by a coffee shop owner. How
rude!!! The worst part is that this woman had the decency to apologize. She
did not even know that I was Danielle’s ex girlfriend and ex finance. She
probably did not know that Danielle promised to marry me. I thought what a
sad state of affairs. Again, the owner apologized.
“I just wanted to take a minute and apologize because I didn't
intentionally tell you anything or try to cause you hurt.”
“Just surprised was all because Danielle has not said anything and I
was worried because we usually talk. May I ask one question?” I typed.
“Yes”
I was afraid to ask the next question. I had to ask for the purpose of
closure. At least Hilda had the respect to answer. I really didn’t want to
know the answer. However, I had come this far.
“Is she happy? Okay I have two. LOL. I am just a caring person and
that is why I ask.”
“She is very happy, even the kids say she is happy.”
That answer hurt. Even the kids, I thought. Wow. Danielle even
introduced her to the kids. I was never introduced as the girlfriend but a
friend. I was the fiancée.
“That is cool. Well, I always wish the best for you two. Danielle is
good people.” I typed.
It wasn’t cool at all. However my response was the honorable one.
Danielle wasn’t good people.
“Second question?” the coffee shop asked.
“It’s none of my business however to just give a piece of my mind,” I
responded.
“She is, and I know you are as well,” Coffee shop stated.
The next question was going to be difficult however if anyone can
answer it would the new girlfriend.
“Thank you. Was it something I did or was it just not the right mix. I
am glad that she is happy. Did you tell her I said hello? Well, I appreciate
you and thank you for letting me know,” I asked. I lit a cigarette waiting for
the answer.
“I know you are a caring person and you deserve a fabulous woman.
She speaks highly of you and thinks you are a wonderful woman just not
the perfect match for her. Don't apologize, I understand being in love and
needing closure.”
Hilda’s response tore me apart. Danielle told her that she and I was
not a perfect match. Yet Danielle allowed me to give her a car, give her a
computer and pay for insurance. Danielle made promises during sexual
encounters that she had prayed for me and that I was her answer. Danielle
told my friends how she was so in love with me. Danielle never once said
that we were not a perfect match during that fateful day that she needed time
and balance for her family. Instead Danielle told me to have hoped that she
would return to me. Hilda stated I understand being in love. That sounded
like I was the only one in love. I was pissed. Danielle told me on several
occasions that she was in love with me. Danielle even told a group of
chamber members that she was in love with me. Danielle even told my
brother in Australia that she was in love with me. For all that is holy,
Danielle told my brother what to put on my engagement ring. Danielle even
cried when I gave her the engagement rings. Danielle stated,
“You are my wife!?
I kept thinking about how were we not a perfect match? It was a lie. I
was devastated. I was nothing.
Tears poured down my face as I typed.
“Well, thank you. I just wished she had told me.”
“I did tell her you said hello and she said you called, however she was
at work ‘till early morning hours,” the coffee shop responded.
“Cause I would have understood. I really would.”
“I think she tried in her own way, but was never blunt as she did not
want to hurt you,” I wrote back.
Hilda made it sound like that Danielle pitied me. It pissed me off.
“When did you two start dating...I am just curious is all. Well, at least
now there is closure. And I would still like to be your friends. If that is
cool,” I asked.
“I really can't tell you the official day, I'm not sure, but I do know it
was after you guys.”
I have to say one thing on this text message. Every lesbian I know and
every person I know whether or not they are in a relationship or not, knows
one thing. They know the day they slept with someone and when they got
together officially. I mean if you don’t know, then when is your
anniversary? This meant one thing. Hilda knew that Danielle was involved
with me and did not want to tell me when because that would mean that
Danielle was cheating on me. The lies continue to a deeper level and I was
sick by it all. I needed to know if the girlfriend knew about the car. After all
I went into debt for 5,000 for Danielle to have a car. I felt that I had the right
to know.
“She still drive the Honda Alantra? That was a silly little car.”
“Yes, I just had to replace the alternator and next week will be doing
the power steering pump.”
“Wow...again thank you for helping me understand. I hope that
Danielle knows I am her friend and will always be a friend. She stopped
talking and I did not understand,” I typed.
The truth was that I was just being nice. I was angry that I found out
on Facebook by a new girlfriend and that Danielle didn’t have the balls to
tell me in person.
“No problem, like I said, it was never my intention to hurt you or you
to feel like you had been blindsided” the coffee shop typed.
“You would do the same if a friend just went poof. I felt blinded
because Danielle did not tell me HOWEVER I understand” I was hoping
that the coffee shop owner understood that I had felt guilty for playing her
for answers.
“I think she just didn't want to hurt you and radio silence was her
solution.”
Radio silence was not a solution. That was a coward’s way out.
“Well I hope in time she will talk to me. Because she is good people
and I will always be a friend. Yes I was a bit upset however I get it...I am
just that way” I wrote.
I wanted to lure Danielle out so that I could confront her about what
she had done to me. I thought by pretending that I was okay with the
situation that Danielle would come out of hiding and face me like a real
woman.
“I'm sure. She just wants to ensure she is not hurting you by you
seeing us together.”
The thought of seeing them together was sickening. Especially when
you see the picture of the coffee shop owner. She could pass for my twin
sister.
“NO she won’t...I promise you because now I understand and I am
honorable that way.” I responded
“I'm sure we will all get together soon” the coffee shop said.
I could not believe that Hilda thought that we could all get together as
though nothing had happened. The very thought of getting together made me
sick to my stomach.
My conversation with Hilda would continue about how they found
time management and how they always find time together because they were
in love with one another. I couldn’t stomach continue putting the
conversation in this memoir as it was very disturbing to me. I was angry and
pissed. I was hurt and crying. I refused to allow the new girlfriend to know
that I was hurting. That would show that Danielle won. It would show that I
allowed Danielle to hurt me. I was hurting deeply. Danielle found time to be
with the new girlfriend and not me. I felt like chopped liver. I was nothing in
Danielle’s eyes. What hit me the most was the lie Danielle told me about
how she gave the book to someone to read that was close to her. Danielle
valued this woman’s opinion. When I asked who it was, Danielle said just a
friend. Now I know it was the new girlfriend. I felt used and like trash. I
wondered if there was ever a moment of truth in our relationship. The other
part that deeply ripped me was that the new girlfriend made it sound that I
needed closure . Hilda made it seem that I was the only one in love and that
Danielle was never in love with me. Danielle made it seem like she was
taking pity on me. I felt betrayed.
It was officially over. I felt so stupid for believing the promises
Danielle told me. I felt like I walked into a land mine. What have I done? It
really angered me that Danielle and her new girlfriend made it seem that I
was the only one in love and not Danielle. There were questions that I could
not help but wonder about. If I was not the perfect match then why accept
the rings, the car, the laptop, allow me to pay for the insurance? Why tell me
that you needed time to find you when in fact you wanted time to be with
someone else..That is a cowardly act in my eyes.
I remember calling Anne screaming at her and telling her how come
everyone is so deceitful yet I am expected to be honorable. Anne had no
answer but one,
“Because you love deeply. You are honorable because it’s the way.
I know that is not what you want to hear however it’s who you are.”
I remember thinking that is a shit answer.
The revelation of the truth caught me off guard as though a champion
boxed knocked me out in the first ten seconds of round one by a new boxer.
It wasn’t enough that Danielle said she needed time and space. The truth was
that she had been involved with this woman when we started. Six months
later when writing this memoir, I found more truths to her lies that were a bit
unsettling.
The girlfriend looks just like me and could be considered my twin.
They met at the same time as Danielle and I got together. When the holidays
came around, Hilda was with Danielle. Danielle told the family the only
reason that I was there spending it with them was that she had pity on a
lonely woman with no family. The overtime that Danielle had done did not
exist. She was really with the other woman spending time with her
“girlfriend”. Danielle told the family and girlfriend that I sold the car to
Danielle. The laptop was bought by Danielle. I was introduced as a friend
because Danielle felt bad for me. Danielle admitted we had only a few dates
and that was it when she discovered I fell in love, she broke it off. Everyone
believed Danielle because she covered her tracks. Apparently Danielle had
done this to her other girlfriends however I was the first to find out because
of my determination. The girlfriends never compared notes either. When I
had confronted the new girlfriend or old one, Danielle banned all contact
with me saying I was the only one I love. Furthermore Danielle told the
Girlfriend she couldn’t be with someone that was raped like me especially
by my own mother. This information was found through the text messages I
later received. I am not sharing them as it was hurtful and ugly.
Honor begets honor. Now I understand what the ghost apparition of
my sister Sarah was trying to tell me in the apartment fire. Danielle was
lying and telling an ugly version of her own reality for manipulation. Since
thing I have come to understand behavioral cycles within people. Danielle
just did what was taught to her. I hold no ill will towards Danielle. She chose
this action of manipulation which is just like my own mother. Selfish to the
end. I do believe wholeheartedly that what Danielle did was bullshit.
Sometimes it stings when I look back at how this all went down. Her
life of golden hope only added fuel to the fire. Yes I chose to wait five
months. I validate that. However I thought I was waiting for a genuine
woman that was in love with me. I never knew that she was manipulating the
situation the whole time to her benefit. This revelation really had caused a
second heart break in me. The feeling of betrayal goes deep to the soul. Back
then all I could do was push forward to recovery. The question was how.
LIFE’S LESSONS
A Moments Definition
I woke up hung over. I walk into my kitchen to make myself lemon
water and pop some tynol for my headache. Hilda telling me the truth about
Danielle devastated me. The truth was worse than telling me that someone
needed time and space to find balance. IF Danielle had just told me that it
was permanently over, I could’ve move forward perhaps. Instead she
dangled a golden carrot of hope in front me with her mixed messages and
wanting to spend the night with me. I was the white rabbit that followed the
golden carrot down the hole. It is a dangerous thing to give hope to someone
then destroy it with a facade for personal benefit. My mind couldn’t wrap
itself around the truth. Life seemed surreal. The Universe played a joke on
me and I was the butt of it.
I walk into my bedroom, going to Facebook as I reread the messages
from the coffee shop, Hilda. Danielle has blocked me as a friend. Up until
yesterday, I was a friend. I wasn’t surprised since I knew the truth now.
Hope, faith and love didn’t exist for me anymore. My life was empty.
My anger began to turn to God as to why he would allow such cruelty
and why did he allow me to live. Why did God believe in a species that hurt
each other on a daily basis? It seemed like a cruel joke in my eyes. I thought
sarcastically that it was funny that I was a bartender. I only got the job so I
could prove to Danielle that I could. There was an additional benefit. My job
was right down the street from her catering job. Nothing mattered now.
The star restaurant had been calling me all week to return as a shift
supervisor. I thought what the hell. I am damaged anyway. If I return back
to this job as their shift supervisor then I won’t have to feel the pain.
I walk back into my living room to the side wall, standing up against
it, beginning to slide down as tears run my cheeks. Looking around, dazed,
my breath getting deeper with the tears streaming down. I sit on the floor.
What do I do now? Nothingness fills my head for hours on end. It’s a place
where you just sit there, not moving, hoping that reality will somehow
change if you stare at it long enough. My rational mind knew it was over.
My emotional self didn’t.
One thing that I did know that my writing always helped me to
process life. No matter what hell was going on in my life, I always turned to
my journals and wrote about it so I could understand. I always found a
certain peace in my writing. The funny thing for me was my journals, my
letters that I had written Danielle and all the letters that she wrote me that I
had kept. My anger began to consume me once again. The answer is like fire
wanting to burst however it was nothing in comparison to the sorrow that I
had. My sorrow was telling me that had I Just kept my mouth shut about my
past childhood, Danielle would be here today.
Standing up, I walk to my bookshelf picking up my journals and
Danielle’s letters. I was going to burn them all. I decided that I was also to
give up writing forever. I turn to see the painting on my wall of the willow
tree against the river, remembering my sister, Sarah. Sarah’s voice enters my
head,
“Sister, if you burn the letters, and stop your writing then our mother
won.” Sarah was right, I couldn’t do this.
Grabbing my computer, I begin writing about my experience with
Danielle and our love. Now granted that when I first began I was filled with
anger from a broken heart and I wanted to say look at me, look at me. I
would keep writing in the months and year to come in the memoir. Now
today in rewriting/editing the memoir I have come to realize it was never
about me or Danielle or our love. It was about the experience of true love, its
loss and the impact it had on my healing process in the discovery of me.
I began with first writing a letter to Danielle that night.
May 9th, 2012:
My dearest Danielle,
I found out by accident that you are with a new woman and that you
two are very serious. I guess what we had meant nothing to you. I wish I had
been the one you had returned to. You said that there was no one else. You
said that I would be the first woman that you date. So what is Hilda? A man
in disguise? You just stopped loving me and broke all the promises to me.
How could you do that knowing what I went through? A real woman of
integrity would have just said, “Look we are not compatible.”
Instead you continued the relationship. Why? Did you do continue our
relationship out of PITY? Your new girlfriend said that you spoke highly of
me. Yet you tell your new girlfriend that we were not a perfect match. You
had no problem accepting the gifts. You had no problem with how we made
love. You spoke that I was the only one that could touch you the way I did.
You had the audacity to stand in a room full of people and tell them that we
were dating and we were serious. This journal will be my last to you. You
told me to have hope. I did. You said that you would return to me. You
never intended to return to me. I was the easy one to eliminate. Or don’t you
remember your last words to me. You won’t even talk to me. You are trying
to forget that I exist.
I don’t know what to say anymore. I am at a loss for words. I went
through hell and back to reach you. I do have one thing to say. You are a
coward for not telling me yourself. For that I shall never forget what you did
to me. Instead you allowed your girlfriend tell me the truth.
I cannot believe that you broke your promise and made me make
promises to you. You would get upset if I broke my promises. You were
with her prior to the breakup. Really!! The woman that I knew you to be,
had pride to tell people the truth. You even said that you taught your
children to tell the truth. Who is the liar now? What are you really teaching
your children?
Now I know why you never introduced me to your family as your
fiancée. You were ashamed of someone like me. Most importantly you were
with someone else. I finally got it. God speed to your journey.
Thank you, I finally cried for the first time in my life. How dare you
make me believe in love and hope. Even just two weeks prior to you telling
me that you broke us up, you wanted to be next to me based on your text
messages that you sent me.
1.2.2012:
When we talked she was telling me about how the job
was
picking up, that the catering business was projecting another 31
million dollars in revenue. That she was going to a monster truck jam.
How she is allergic to mangos.
1.7.2012:
She was frustrated because she had no time for self, for me or even
the kids. She does not even have time to do the basic things like
taking her daughter to do a project for school. She had to work her
birthday and that sucked.
1.8.2012:
She wished that I was next to her right now to wake her and that she
wished I was next to her every day waking her.
1.11.2012 :
She had a challenging event yesterday. 1 hour into the
event and they
realized they were missing 19 tables.
She slept ok. Today is a long event. 3000
people
plated for army folks. We amaze ourselves. I told her I
can’t wait ‘til the
day I wake her with coffee and she
moaned saying hmmm yes honey I want that. She had to
take shower and she will talk to me later.
1.12.2012:
I told her about Tabula Rasa Extraordinary Measures. She was
overwhelmed by me and how I am her true gift. Told me that she was
going to get together with me on 1.19 but she has to work. Her son
said that was weird because mom is home.
I understand now. This reality was a bitch. I find myself in the darkest
of spots because you said you loved me. I am nothing. Thank you for
making me realize that.
Katherine Symthe
I was beyond devastated at finding out Danielle moved on and was in
another relationship with a woman that went into the time of our relationship
together. I had felt betrayed by Danielle’s behavior, and refusal to
communicate to me in person the truth. In that moment when I found out, I
was angry at Spirit. The truth was not the anger. I was angry at the loss of
love.
When I look back to this day, I know it was about manipulation on
both of our parts. Danielle used me to get what she could. I used Danielle to
validate my existence. I look at my life now and see how this one moment
lead me to my journey of finding my authentic self. I will admit that I am
wary of an future potential intimate relationships because of my experience
with Danielle. I do not see a potential new intimate relationship at this time.
Perhaps I am hiding from that feeling of being in love. Perhaps my time has
come and gone for a possible soul mate. I do not know the answer. I would
like to hope that there is a companion out there for me. Perhaps is the
question at hand.
JOURNAL TO THE UNIVERSE 1
I felt like a wounded animal begging for my life to end. No place to
turn or hide without me thinking about Danielle. Thinking about the love
that we had is overwhelming. This whole thing reeked of my mother’s
cruelty to me. My mind is having flashbacks to what she did. I feel like I am
in a movie yet I am reliving it. I attempt to tell myself to move on, move
forward and to forget. Love is hard to forget especially when it touches your
soul. Over and over I keep going over her words, her promises and I cry just
at the very thought. My mother broke all her promises to me as a child
including never hurting my sister Sarah, who is dead by her hands.
All I can do at this point is cry and write. I’m no saint either. Danielle
knew and accepted my baggage. Who doesn’t have baggage? The pain is so
intense. As I am writing images from the past come up. Now I must work
through them.
May 14, 2012(Journal Entry)
Dear Journal. I am now writing to you on the computer version of my
journal. Outside is nothing. There’s almost a relief in knowing the truth. For
Five months, I waited, prayed and had faith. I sat outside at my current job at
the Star Restaurant today, looking upon the sunset. I saw nothing but failure.
I wondered what I am to do with my life now. I don’t belong at this job
either. Where do I belong? I don’t know. I’m lost and am a mess.
Soon my 40th birthday will be here thinking that I would’ve
celebrated it with Danielle. Guess that changed. My current job at the STAR
restaurant keep telling me that I am not the same manager I once was. I am
not the strict manager that did anything that I was told. I lost the coldness
that management has to have in many ways to deal with employees. I was
even told that now I care too much about the employees. When they told me
this, I knew it was a matter of time before they find a reason to fire me. This
restaurant fed on management that had no problem with degrading their
employees. I could no longer do that for them. I was considered a weak link
in their eyes.
I have become friends with this one woman and her partner. Her
name is Saundra and her partner is Lucky. Saundra is the tarot reader from
the Press Release Party. Saundra is interesting because she is genuine and
keeps challenging me on this mythology that I am not different and not
alone. My instincts say to trust her and her family. She keeps poking holes
into my walls and showing me the sunshine. What if Saundra is right? What
if I need to change because people have been using me?
I look at the Sun at the sun remembering the first time I saw sunlight.
I was never allowed to go outside in the daylight ‘til I was seven years of
age. I was locked in a closet for the first seven years of my life. I still
remember the smells, the darkness and coldness of the closet. If I wasn’t
locked in the closet, I was locked in a six by six dog box outside. The only
time I was allowed outside was at night.
If I was hungry I had to eat dog shit, or maggots. I was only taken out
during the day if I was being sold to a john. The experience of seeing the sun
for the first time was amazing.
I still remember thinking wow what is this light? It felt so warm
against my skin. Nothing like the coldness of the dark from when I was in
the closet or the dog box. The sun was pure and there was no smell of urine,
blood or death.
Why journal am I flashbacks and thoughts to when I was younger.
These flashbacks are disturbing me. I try not to think of them yet evertime I
think of my own sadness with Danielle, they keep, I need to focus.
Received great news today as I was invited today by Tara to present
one of my poems for a public poetry reading.
JUNE 6, 2012: JOURNAL ENTRY
Three months since Danielle departure in my life. Almost a month
since knowing the truth of that departure. I look at this journal that I am
writing. In the last month I have gone home and had drinks. I thought by
drinking I could get rid of her in my mind and heart. Didn’t work. Instead I
kept focusing and remembering what we had. Damn you Danielle. You
might try and tell your new girlfriend that you were not in love with me. We
all know the truth.
Her letters tell me that we were soul mates. Danielle never knew I
kept those letters. They reminded me how she loved me. I never realized
those letters would serve as proof that we were together. Her letters were
instant messages, text message, and written letters. I kept them because they
were sacred to me. Some of my friends told me to burn them after I had
found out the truth. I couldn’t burn them. They represented a time of
innocence, a learning experience. It would be like throwing away a book and
burning it. Here are a few of the letters.
Every night I punished myself by rereading her letters, crying as I
drank a class of merlot. What did I do wrong Journal?
September 8, 2011:
Danielle: I would kiss away all your tears. You are my one and only!
September 10, 2011:
Danielle: I miss you so much! I wish you were here with me.
September 11, 2011:
Danielle: You have no idea how much I am missing you! I am having
the crappiest day! I am so glad it’s almost over.
September 14, 2011:
Danielle: I am so in love with you!!! If I can make it for a minute or
two I will.
I am becoming very emotional over remembering how Danielle loved
me. It is so hard. Why did she throw me away? I find myself asking the
question why? What did I do wrong? Why Danielle? If you loved me so
much why did you abandon me, reject me and throw me away. Danielle
won’t even respond to my calls.
It’s like I am a disease and she wishes me nonexistent. This loss
reminds me of my mother and it hurts. I want to die however I am too scared
of committing suicide. All I ever wanted was to be loved. I know that
Danielle loved me for that moment. She showed me with the letters, the way
she made love to me, and how she cared about my writing. If Danielle were
here I would ask “Why? “
Hell at least, when I was a child, I understood Kendra, my mother.
I was never allowed to call my mother, mother. I could only call her by her
name, Kendra. At least when I asked her why she was abusing me, she
responded with the cruel truth.
“Cause I hate you. You are a bastard child”
I keep hearing her voice inside my head right now, saying,
“She left because you are a whore. Did you really think that she
would want to touch you knowing that I raped you?”
My inner voice is playing tricks on me. Yet a part of me wonders if
this is the truth. I feel like a hamster replaying moments from an event.
What about that day Danielle placed her hand on my heart and
looking into my eyes saying,
“I will never hurt you the way they did. I will protect you and love
you.”
Was this a lie? Danielle, if you only knew what you have really done
to me. You took my heart and shattered it as if it was a daisy so easily
broken. You told me that you wanted to give me new experiences. Well you
did. I am the Kat that has learned that not everyone keeps their promises. I
have learned that not everyone sees true love with honor.
Funny thing is that I said I would not write in the journals like I am
talking to you. However it’s all I can do to maintain peace.
I feel hurt, betrayed and angry. I still occasionally get moments where
I think back and wonder. What did I do wrong? Wait perhaps Danielle
never saw herself as deserving. Perhaps in her time she never met someone
like me. I can show her if she allowed me. Wait, this is my inner voice once
again trying to justify her behavior because of my love. I will never know
because Danielle never had the courage to talk to me. The deed was done.
The dream that we had has become bittersweet. The past never
excuses bad behavior that we do upon others. Once Danielle told me that she
was raped and abused. That does not excuse Danielle from lying to me and
moving on.
It reminds me of a time I once told my so called mother that just
because you were taught a certain way doesn’t mean you have to continue
the cycle. Strength and courage lies in doing what is right even against the
odds. Of course my responded with,
“How would you know? You’re just a bastard child that we sell and
use for my pleasure.” Kendra said.
Memories can be haunting. In just under a week I will be reading a
very powerful piece of poetry for The Black Women Unite, here in San
Antonio Texas. I have come a long way in my life. I have made choices
because I have had to learn on my own. Now thinking about this whole
situation, and how I thought being different was odd.
Sweet Lord in heaven, I do miss those moments when I use to give
Danielle my journals. Danielle and I had this understanding that because our
time was limited and sometimes she would only be accessible by her cell
phone, I wrote love letters to her. I would detail how my day was going and
ask her questions. I would write to her. When I would see her, I would take
red roses to her, a yellow pack of American Spirit cigarettes and listen to her
day. It was a way of connecting. Danielle told me how amazing it was to be
loved by me and to have a woman write her journals. Danielle use to say to
me,
“You are the answer to my prayers. I prayed for you when I was a
child, and God answered.”
I remember and still have the letter that she wrote me in the very
beginning of our relationship. It touched my soul so much that for a month I
use to carry it around in my pocket at work. On the nights that were rough, I
would silently go outside, smoke a cigarette and read the letter. The letter
provided a comfort to me. Just knowing that she was there for me, gave me
inspiration. I knew by this letter that I could be better; that everything and all
the challenges I was facing in the restaurant was worth it because at the end
of the day I had something very precious. I had Danielle at my side as my
wife and girlfriend. Danielle loved me. I had love for the first time in my
life.
When she gave the note, she passionately kissed me saying,
“I love you”
The note was written on lined paper and read:
“My dearest Kat,
Hello my dear! I am just getting into bed…Wishing you were
Here with me, holding me, caressing me. I want you in my arms
now and always. There is a Beetle's song “Something”. It reminds
of you. It is one of the sweetest songs. It’s about knowing this
person is so special and knowing you is in love or really just
starting to love someone.
It was so great to see you today. To be in your arms. To lie next
to you. To fall asleep with you. To wake next to you. We have the
best time together just holding one another. Another day gone,
another day closer to seeing you. I am not sure why I have this
need to see you. But I do. If I didn’t have kids I would be over
there every day. But alas I do so our time must be limited and
you’re wrong about one thing. Three months is three months
not three weeks. So it is 90 days. Their father got out of prison
today. Not too sure how to feel about that. I want to hate him
but he gave me my beautiful kids. Oh well he won’t try to come
back here. He is too much of a ***. Any way enough about him.
I am getting excited about seeing you on Thursday.”
I remember that Thursday when Danielle and I met for dinner. We
submitted to one another, our love. We exchanged vows. Danielle got on her
hands and knees to me, professing her love.
What did I do wrong?
JUNE 7th 2012: JOURNAL ENTRY
Funny how people can be judgmental and cruel. I was talking to
Blaine today. He used to be a general manager for the Star Restaurant. His
words were cruel,
“Oh so you have to pick up a second job. What happened to your
bartending? Your books? Your podcasts?” Blaine asked.
I thought really? Anger set in me. I picked up a second job in order to
maintain the flow of money so I do not fall on my face. Besides the
bartending job was down the street from Danielles work place. Everyday
seeing my car that I gave her, at the job was painful.
“Just remember to make the right choices KAT. Look at the
choice you made in being with your girlfriend and look
what she did to you? Maybe if you were not so damn different, she
wouldn’t have left you.” Blaine said.
I reeled back from the text and thought really.
“I did not ask to be different.” I replied.
He simply responded,
“No one wants to be around you. People laugh at you, you are the butt
of jokes.” Blaine said.
My anger almost made me fly off the handle. People never seem to
understand how we aspire to our dreams. There will always be haters, and
those that judge. What my ex girlfriend did was not about choices that I had
made however choices that she made.
YES, I admit that I refused to look at the warning signs. I knew in my
soul that Danielle was hiding something from me. I chose to ignore it. I kept
reflecting back on my childhood. I kept thinking no, Danielle was not like
that. She made promises to me. Come on, life could not be that cruel to have
me fall in love with someone that would hurt me like that. I own that truth in
me. I wanted so desperately a connection with another person that when I
did have that perceived connection that I overlooked the red flags. Danielle
had ulterior motives. No wonder she left, I am stupid.
I wish Danielle could’ve told me the truth. I wish she would have
apologized. To this day she disavows that I exist. However would Danielle’s
apology be real.
When my mother apologized, it was not real. On my mother’s death
bed she left a note addressed to me. She had died of ovarian cancer.
It read:
Kat,
Forgive me for the evils I did onto you. I deserve to die. Thank you
for believing I could change. Perhaps if I had changed, I would live
and see that place you call heaven. Now I shall rot in the place known
as hell. Just know that I was wrong. Can you pray for my soul?”
Kendra always tried to apologize then at the last moment wanted a
favor. In just one month I will turn 40 years old. I do not know what I will
do for my birthday. The ongoing joke for 22 years is that one day I will have
a great celebration for my birthday. I never had that before in my life. Each
year comes and something always happens to interfere with that wish. I had
thought back six months ago that I would spend a quiet night with Danielle.
There is an old saying that the best laid plans have the best intention.
There are thoughts in my head about life. What great love lies ahead?
Does true love even exist? Will I be the blunt of jokes? These last few
months of devastation to my heart I have been lost.
JUNE 8th, 2012
To this day reliving Sarah’s death and the day that Danielle told me
that we were no longer a couple has left a soul scar. Everything happens for
a reason. Sarah’s death taught me to celebrate life in all that it is. You never
know when a life will end.
Life is the quintessential journey of our experience. I am going to be
doing a public reading of my work on June 13th, 2012. I now have two part
time jobs to take care of life needs like rent and food. I do not know what
life may hold in the future down the way. What I do know is that I must live
in the present and push forward as I have always done. As I prepare to go to
bed, I am drinking a seven up. I find myself chuckling as I Danielle making
me look into her eyes and promise her that I would never drink soda again.
She was concerned about my diet. I remember her looking into my eyes and
saying,
“I will know if you drink soda cause we feel each other.
You are making A promise to me, your wife and soul mate. Soul mates
never break their promises to one another.” Danielle states.
Why am I torturing my self by replaying the times that Danielle and I
were together. Danielle broke her promise to me, the one she called her
soul mate.
She promised,
“I will never reject you or abandon you. I will never hurt you and I
will always love you.”
These words haunt me as an apparition at the bewitching hour.
PERSONAL NOTE REGARDING: June 10, 2012:
Today as been a day of reflecting back on my conversations in
February with Danielle, the text messages, and my journals to her. There are
many things to wonder about. I wonder if Danielle’s new girlfriend knew
about anything that which was going on between us. According to the new
girlfriend when she talked to me in May, Danielle and her had know each
other for “quite a while. Furthermore they got together “officially” as a
couple days after we broke up. I know how to do math. That would place the
relationship with the new girlfriend in January/February.
People have the tendency towards the propensity to not keep promises
and blow it off like oh well it’s just a promise. Danielle’s promise of loving
me meant the world to me. Danielle’s promise that she would never reject
me tore me apart. What Danielle did reminded me of the broken promises of
my mother, Kendra.
My childhood taught me not to trust people and their promises.
Innately I knew that people had the capability to want to do what is right.
The key lied in the person’s price. There is an adage that states “everyone
has their price”
Kendra use to give me lectures,
“All you have to do is find their price. The price will lead you find
gold. People will sell others out and could be bought for that price. If you
find that price you would become the master.”
It was a belief that I didn’t agree with.
When I was 15 years old I asked Kendra to stop her abuse.
“When are you going to stop this madness? You promised that you
would try and stop. ” I asked.
Kendra struck me across the face,
“Everyone has their price, bitch. Find it and they will break.
People will even kill their own children for this price.”
She laughed walking to the refrigerator. She pulled out a bowl of rice
and inside the rice something was moving. It was maggots. Those maggots
was going to be my dinner. I hate rice. Even to this day I refuse to eat white
rice.
“You can change, I know you can. Not everyone has a price. And
promises can be kept,” I said.
‘Why? Because you survived so far. You read that fucked
up Holy Bible shit. Where was your God when I took your sister’s life?”
I sighed. I knew that because I had refused to eat dinner I would have
to sleep outside with the dogs. So I grabbed my collar and put it on my neck.
I began to walk outside when Kendra said,
“You will see. One day someone will promise you a family and break
you like the bitch dog you are.”
I said to myself,
“You are wrong. There are good people out there.”
Kendra went outside and tied me to the inside of a wooden dog house.
She started to walk away when she came back.
“Who is going to love you when you tell them what I did to you.
Who will fuck you whore? A bitch that ate maggots to live, raped by her
own mother?”
Kendra took a stick and started pounding on the top of the wooden
box.
“You know why your fucking God loves you. Cause he pities you.
A worthless Bitch. I should have gone deeper with that knife and cut your
throat all the way through,” Kendra taunts.
I did nothing because I knew if I said anything Kendra would pull her
knife out and kill one of the dogs in the kennel. Kendra walked away.
I reflect upon that conversation with my mother. My sadness seems to
be triggering my memories that I thought I buried in me.
Was Danielle like my mother? I refuse to believe that all people are
not to be trusted. I refuse to believe that people want to hurt others for the
pure pleasure of power. One day I will find a girlfriend that will keep her
promise to me. It is hard to imagine that it will not be Danielle.
There is a part of me that wishes I could have saved Kendra, my
mother. Kendra was so consumed with the adrenaline of hurting children
that I could not save her.
PERSONAL NOTE JUNE 11, 2012:
Today I woke up feeling close to normal as normal can be without
Danielle next to me. Today I am eager for June 13, 2012. I will be standing
in front of a lot of people reading my poetry work.
In my life I have seen a darkness that no person should have endure. I
have witnessed such death of those I have loved. I was raised in a cruel
environment. I have seen the eyes of those dying knowing that they would
never make to the time I now live in. My soul feeling the pain of love, and
its touch upon my soul. The tragedy of this relationship with Danielle does
not lie in the fact she broke up with me. The tragedy is not that she needed
time and space and would have not come back. THE TRAGEDY is that I
found out from her new girlfriend she was with someone else, that all those
promises were a lie because she for whatever reason abandoned me.
Now I must move forward to find my own way. Her lack of talking to
me denotes the kind of woman that she is.
Journal, I am not the same woman I was. Nor will I ever be that
woman ever again. I will not trust love either so easily. I hear the words
within my soul that speak a truth that I have known all my life,
“Rise up child now, Woman thou art in the mirror,
Become the sheath of words that look upon you,
Dust the ashes off and become the light from the darkness you were in
Rise up and take to a new level.”
I have decided to use these words as the ending of the literary piece
that I am doing for the Black Women Unite forum.
Currently I am writing and sitting at the bar downtown that I always
go to. The sunset is colored with purple, and pink. I looked into the clouds
and smile. I have not done this in a long time. Looking around remembering
how just a few chairs over, was where I met Danielle in person for the first
date. Danielle looked so beautiful with that white silk blouse. I look into the
pub remembering the night she stood there in front of my friends. Danielle
said she had been dating me for two months and that we were in love. This
personal torture is growing old.
PERSONAL NOTE JUNE 12, 2012:
The air is warm outside at 7:19 in the morning and its already 85
degrees. The dreams are gone. My hope lies in a puddle of mud. Tomorrow
will be a busy night for me as I prepare to read my poetry.
When I wrote my journal entries to the Universe, I was emotionally
distraught, overwhelmed with chaos, lost and attempting to make sense of
my own emotional turmoil. Nothing seemed to matter at the time.
Things in life started to look up with my new friendship with Saundra
and Lucky. They were so genuine and loving. I looked up and to this day,
see them as role models. Its kind of funny because when I first met them I
had this bad ass attitude and I am all tough. My truth was that I was hiding
my pain and the most important part of myself, my genuine self. The
adventures that we were about to have would awaken me on a spiritual level.
I would discover the true essence of celebration. I am honored that they are
my best friends in my life today. Truly their friendship helped me pull out of
the nothing I was feeling.
POETIC EXPRESSION
In just 2 and a half hours the poetry event will begin. I am very
nervous yet there is a calming in my soul knowing that people are going to
show up to support me. I’m sitting outside watching the sun set. Just a few
ago, the sunset would not have mattered to me.
It is so beautiful. My new friends Sandra and Lucky are unable to
attend the event due to a family situation. I will take pictures and a video for
them. I smile as I see the sun set.
An invitation was sent to Danielle however I know she will not show
up. A part of me, wishes that she would up. However those days are gone
like dust to the wind.
It is the way. Dear Lord dear Spirit give me the strength to stand and
share my passion through my words. Here is a small poem on how I am
feeling at this moment:
RISING:
FROM THE ASHE OF THE EARTH she stood up and said,
I AM HERE.
FROM the tears of the sorrow she bore unto the earth rivers
So the soil shall be plentiful.
From the darkeness from whence she hide she shall now rise unto a
new Generation of people.
She shouts as the eagle flies and the phoenix rises,
You stole me and bore me into a family of vile wickedness
You took my son and gave him to another
You shot an arrow in my heart when she left with dishonorable words
FOR THIS I am honored because
YOU NEVER took my spirit and now I will rise!!
A new woman, with a new voice for I am…..
Katherine Symthe
The invitation to openly read one of my poems was a great honor. I
knew that somehow this would open a new event horizon in my life. This
was exactly what I needed in my life. I needed to rise once again as a great
writer. It was June 2012. It had been six months since Danielle left me. It
has been a month since I knew the truth of that departure. Now in one month
I am going to be 40 years old. I knew somehow at the time that there people
would see a new level to the depths of who I am. They would see my
passion as I speak my words. There was the possibility that I would fail
however I had to remind myself to say NO to that negative inner voice. I had
to keep telling myself that I am an artist, a woman of depth, passion and
many experiences. I am a white wolf. The white wolf has long been my
totem animal and my guide in my life.
The theme of the poetry night was Audre Lourdes, an activist and poet
that changed many lives within the lesbian community. The question at hand
was what am I to write? What powerful poem could I create for that night of
reading the poetry. The piece had to speak from my soul. Recently I had not
felt inspired to write. I needed to write. When you fall off a horse, you need
to get back on. What muse would come to me and inspire this artist soul of
mine.
I decided to draw upon my life experience as a woman of depth,
passion, love, challenge and growth. I was so nervous. Every day I prayed
for a muse to inspire me. The irises of the fires within my soul had molded
me into the very person I am today. I am truly in uncharted territory with
this public reading. I would be standing in front of all these people. I would
be pouring out my passion, my being through my words, and my expression
of the woman I am and continue developing to be. It was intimidating in
many ways. Now I have my friends and supporters that have said that they
are going to be there as well. Saundra and Lucky said that they would be
there as well. The piece would only have a two minute spot. Two minutes
was very short yet very, very long in the span of time. I felt it would make or
break the moment.
I remember the legacy of woman. I remember how we as women had
endured. ed. How we have overcome such great challenges and rose from
the ashes. This was herstory and we are her seeds. I had found the words for
the piece.
ADVERTISEMENT FOR BLACK WOMEN UNITE
NIGHT OF POETRY
San Antonio, have we a special treat for you. Experience renowned
Poet and Activist Audre Lorde through a screening of her work
LITHANY OF SURVIVAL and a dedication by San Antonio’s most
talented Spoken Word
Artists, Shorty, Shaundra Gail, Hush Rai, Listic, Katherine Symthe,
Andi and /DevSoul. All hosted by BLACK WOMEN UNITE.
Doors open at 8pm and show time at 9pm.
BLACK WOMEN UNITE was created to showcase the nuances of
Black Queer Womyn culture. It is hoped that the movies will service
as a vehicle to foster honest dialogue on struggles and opportunities
unique to Black Queer Womyn.
While discussion will focus on the Black Queer Womyn. All members
of the Queer Community are welcomed to attend.
The next day the facilitator for Black Women Unite wrote me.
“You know you did it when you still feel it, thank you can't wait to
work with you again,” Tara wrote.
I smile because it was great to be recognized for my work.
“Yes that is so true. I am truly honored what you do. I am really
happy that you loved my piece” I typed back.
“Keep up the good work,” Tara wrote.
It was a great honor to have read my poetry in front of all of these
women. It was amazing. I remember that I loved standing in front of the
people and talking my words and bringing them to life. I was saddened that
Saundra and Lucky could not make it. Unfornately the venue was located at
a bar. They could not bring their daughter. I was angry at the venue however
I understood.
I started to clean my apartment and rearrange things. I found the
clothing that Danielle had left behind in the apartment. Danielle kept a
change of clothing there including her underwear when she would spend the
night there. Danielle told me that she wanted the clothing there in case she
needed to change. There was a slight trace of sadness as I remember how
beautiful she was and how she would smile at me when I read her my
poetry. I realized that my time was gone.
Just one year ago, I was pondering how I was going to put Black
Panther Rising together into a book. I did not believe in love or that I could
ever feel true love as I had never felt that kind of passion before. Danielle
showed me that I could love another person deeply. Now a year later I found
myself healing from a broken heart, growing, loving and developing. It was
not just a broken heart however it was a soul scar. It was never about
Danielle moving on with someone else. It was about me finding my voice,
my core and my womanhood of acceptance and self love and value. I was no
longer living the role of a victim.
I am angry at Danielle’s empty promise to have hope. How Danielle
went about it with her behavior was wrong. It tears me apart each day as I
thought about how I was rejected. I replayed key events from the
relationship that we had spent together. I would replay how Danielle placed
the engagement ring on my finger on her porch. I remembered how she said
I was amazing at how I loved her. I will not hate Danielle. I have forgiven
her as I have forgiven myself for allowing her to hurt me.
THE SEEDS OF HERSTORY
By: Katherine Symthe
© June 13, 2012
For Black Women Unite
From The book:
LETTERS TO THE UNIVERSE:
Memoir of the Heart
Within the aires and fires of that which is marked HISTORY.
Layest the chains that have scarred our souls,
A journey that all begins within the womb,
YET within the measurements of these chains,
WOMYN still had to define her path, her ways, her sexuality, her survival,
even her own children.
Who are we if we are but a measurement of our words, the way we love,
with whom we love,
DEFINED by the color of our skin, our status, our image, our ways,
WHERE IS OUR VOICE? THE VOICE OF WOMYN?
The nights we have cried ourselves to sleep,
The days we have looked into the mirror asking,
“AM I ENOUGH? CAN I BE ENOUGH? CAN I BE ACCEPTED? CAN I
BE LOVED?”
Societal constraints have long defined our role. I say onto thee,
RISE UP CHILD NOW, WOMYN THOU ART IN THE MIRROR,
Become the sheth of words that look upon you,
DUST the ashes off of you,
STAND UP for this IS OUR TIME,
WOMYN you are the light from whence the darkness once shackled you,
bearing a soul scar, so deep, so riveting so full of passion,
HISTORY LEGACY shall be born now in YOU, beautiful women for we
are the seeds of HERSTORY,
RISE UP, NOT DIVIDED
BUT WITH ONE VOICE WE SHALL CRY OUT….
JOURNAL TO THE UNIVERSE 2
Ever experience a car accident where a beloved family member
died? My life everyday felt like that where I survived however side swiped.
Nothing that I could do could change the outcome. Everyday I kept
journaling my thoughts and feelings in hopes of finding some answer that
seemed to allude me. For a while, I stayed and kept to myself out of
embrassement. I was embrassed that I was thrown away like trash to the
curb. I was ashamed of the memories of my mother and childhood events
that kept resurfacing.
Everyday I deluded myself into thinking that I was happy and at a
great job for the Star Restaurant. I thought that if I said it enough times that I
would believe my own lie. Instead I was only masking my pain. I decided to
put a wall up so that no one could see how much pain that I was in.
Reading my poem in front of all those people that gave a standing
ovation gave me an inside hope that my internal pain might end soon. Ok,
Kat. What do I do now? How do I get back up? Hard to answer that when I
didn’t know myself.
My obsession over why Danielle rejected me consumed my
thoughts and feelings. My sorrow was so intense that I wanted to give up on
life. I was determined to find out why in hopes that I would not repeat the
same mistake as a reject, a piece of trash and seen as a pathethic woman.
These thoughts were fueled by my memories and really went to my mother.
Why did she hurt me?
One could easily say,
“Get the fuck over it, Kat.”
Hard to say that to someone like me that has lost everything in my
lifetime. My family were dysfunctional. My friends in the past only took
advantage of me for the things that I could get them. Other friends laughed
because of things I did not know because I had to teach myself. Now to top
it off my relationship, and marriage to be was a lie.
I wonder what new experiences lie ahead.
June 16, 2012:
The process of writing this memoir has been deeply personal to me.
To write about it seems to open my eyes further into my soul, sadness and
things that I have not seen before.
Last night there was lightning and I found myself emotional. I
actually began crying. I remembered the first time I ever showed Danielle
the beauty of lighting and how she referred to it as orgasmic. Danielle even
told my brother in Australia how the lighting made her orgasmic as she
thought of me and being with me.
Danielle now feels like a lifetime ago to me. A time that I was naïve
to think that true love exist. To think that I found true love was a joke for it
doesn’t exist. A part of me feels like a stupid idiot for believing her and the
love we both shared. A part of me is saddened that she did not tell me the
truth.
I remember the night she told me I was her sanctuary. A road hard
to endure as I look to the lives surrounding me and they have love. There are
people that have families to come home to. I have an adorable cat called
MR. SKY(his real name).
PERSONAL NOTE JUNE 18th, 2012
My dance instructor Gina was right.
“The process of grieving and the authentic journey to ourselves is a
bitch. However it’s a process that is well worth it. You will emerge as a
woman that Runs with wolves”
Gina was referencing the book, “Women Who Run with Wolves”.
JUNE 19, 2912:
There is something on the horizon. I cannot seem to put my finger
on it. I can feel it deep in my soul. A change so great that it will forever
change the course of who I am. I am worried and nervous spirit. Soon I will
be 40 and I wonder what lies ahead in my life. Will my life have meant
something to someone? The reality is I am me. I feel like a baby butterfly
that is emerging from a cocoon.
I sit here outside at a table at my Star Restaurant. I know and see
that I have. I began to pray,
“My father who art in heaven, that is spirit around me. I will not ask
for A romantic relationship as it seems I am not meant for that. However
guide me to help others grow in their spiritual lives. Perhaps if you could
find it in your grace to someday have a family I would be honored.”
I opened my eyes and in the distance there was a thunderstorm. It
was so beautiful with its rain coming down. I wished for a moment that I
could be playing in the rain to have fun and know what it means to celebrate
the little nuances of life. Today is another opportunity, another day I shall
live with honor.
PERSONAL NOTE JUNE 19th, 2012:
Soon I will be 40 years old.
I sit at this table outside of work on break. This job is souless. I feel
the wind on my face, the very motion of the wind and smile. There is a
strong air of change. I know that I am not welcomed at this job that I
returned to. I returned because it was what I knew. It is a matter of time
before I leave to my real destiny. A woman walks by wearing a blue
necklace and I remembered the time that I gave Danielle a sapphire
necklace for our second month anniversary.
She looked at me and said,
“Honey people only celebrate stuff like this when it’s a year.”
I remember my response,
“Every day should be a celebration. Not just a year,” I responded
“Why?” Danielle asked.
“Because when you have seen what I have seen, you will learn that
A rose blooming is beautiful.”
Tonight I will go home do dishes, laundry, and feed my cat Mr. Sky.
PERSONAL NOTE JUNE 20th, 2012
Earlier in the evening I had coffee with my friend that I call the voice
of reason. I call her that because she has really helps me understand about
the hidden things about people.
“Danielle was a user Kat” she said.
Every time I heard that makes my skin crawl. It chides at me because
I know that what she speaks is true. I respond with,
“I wonder if Danielle knew that I worked 100 hours a week to buy my
car so she could have mine? That I took on a G.M. that called me a stupid
bitch for loving a woman? Or I tried to go on a spiritual quest to show her
that true love is possible?”
She shakes her head,
“No Kat she doesn’t nor did she care. She didn’t even call you back
when you called her during the fire at your place.”
I sighed as I lit my cigarette.
“I know Kat that you want to believe in the goodness of people. That
you don’t understand that there is still cruelty. You believe when
others don’t. She was a user.”
I look at my wise friend,
“I know. I will not stop believing in people - just Danielle. There is
hope for people. I know this.”
We hug each other and continue talking for another two hours.
JUNE 22, 2012:
Tonight, I watched the sunset as I felt this warmth in my heart and
soul. What journey lies ahed? . We all have a story, a voice. Someone will
one day ready my story and perhaps in some way they will see that they are
not alone. Never judge a book by its cover. So many people look at me and
judge me. I reflect upon that night Danielle made the manifestation that I
create a legacy. She never specified to the universe how to create that
legacy.
Time has a way of leaving behind ashes. My journal entries to the
universe began to stop as life seemed to continue for me. My new
developing friendship with Lucky and Saundra began to bring sunlight into
my cloud of despair. Their experiencing of life as a celebration and creating
new memories inspired hope.
Saundra’s challenge that I was not different opened my eyes that
there were others like me out there and that I wasn’t alone. Lucky and
Saundra began to show me a genuine circle of friends, mentoring me on a
day to day basis of interaction and that I was safe. No one had ever done that
for me before. I perceived myself at the time as a challenging student and
friend because I didn’t get things real quick. My understanding was
challenged by my conditioning. Lucky and Saundra’s patience,
unconditional love as my best friends awakened me to living life.
Misconceptions would occasionally arise from others that didn’t have an
inside understanding of the situation. People were not acostumed to having
met someone like me. However at the end of the day, understanding would
prevail.
My best friends Lucky and Saundra continue to bless me and I am
honored.
ANOTHER LETTER
July has arrived and in just five days, I will turn 40. Feeling
compelled to try and once again let go of my pain of Danielle.
Dearest Danielle,
Today is July 2, 2012. Strange times, Danielle. I’ll never truly know
why you left the way you did. I’ll never know why you never told me in
person that you were with your current girlfriend. I will never know why to
this day why you won’t talk to me or deny that you ever loved me. That shall
be left to the universe. You made think that I was nothing because your new
girlfriend had family. I loved you like no other. You took vows with me yet
denied me in front of your family. I forgive you. Most importantly, I forgive
myself for allowing you to hurt me and giving you permission to hurt me.
In the process of the heart break you gave me, I looked at my own
self and what I went through as a child. “Dust to Dust, Ashes to Ashes”. I
use to hear that when the family I was raised particularly when I was buried
alive then re-dug me up. If this had never happened between us I would
have never found the people that are now in my life showing me the greatest
experience of all….life!!!
I highly doubt that you and I will ever see one another ever again.You
have made it quite clear that having anything to do with me is offensive as
the smell of a skunk is to smell. In your eyes I was offensive for not having
family, or money or being the golden egg of the moment.
I will not apologize for me. I will tell you that I loved you like no
other woman I have ever loved. I shared you my past, what I went through.
You betrayed that trust , that sacred line of honor by dishonor in your
behavior. You have been taught in previous relationships of those that
cheated on you, that mistreated you. That is what you perceive to be correct.
INamaste,
KATHERINE SYMTHE
AN AWAKENING
There comes a point in your life when you face a moment of reality,
an ephimeny and awakening. You stare into that singular event horizon,
head on. You know that your life has changed. It’s a point of no return. No
matter what happens, your life has been impacted by this one event. This is
the catalyst of change. The moment of clarity that arises is not a moment of
“Aha I got it.” It’s an ephimeny, a moment of self realization that becomes
so crystal clear to the point of intoxication. I knew that I had begun to let go
of Danielle in my heart. There are still parts of me that are sore and
wounded. I am healing slowly. My realization was setting in that my
relationship with Danielle was over. I began to accept it. I had been so
absorbed into this relationship that I never thought about me. Slowly I have
began to realize that I had utilized the relationship to validate my own
existence. I thought that by having Danielle at my side that I was worthy of
love.
I was still that little girl being raped and abused seeking any way to
please someone. I did want to be thrown away or abused. In many ways, I
had lost a sense of my own identity. Did I really have an identity? The
answer was no! I had conformed my identity to what others had wanted and
expected. This type of conformity is called a people pleaser. The real
question was directed at my very core. Who am I? The time for me to find
out was now.
I was ready for the first time in my life to explore who I was. Iam
willing to do the work. I knew the road ahead was going to be emotional.
The road to the authentic self is always challenging because you are looking
into yourself and owning it. You make the change. I knew what I wanted to
be. I just did not understand all the workings of how to become that woman.
I had based everything in my life on my old negative mind tapes and
previous experiences. It was time for a change. It was time for new tapes to
be played. It was time to embrace my destiny as a woman and spiritual soul.
My writing began to give me revelations as an artist and a woman.
The moment that I read my poetry at Black Women Unite brought peace to
my soul. I felt like I had come home. The ability to bring my passion to the
stage, and to an open MIC revitalized my soul. It was a turning point for me
connecting to the audience with the words that I wrote and spoke. Black
Women Unite gave me an opportunity to begin the healing process. I
realized in that moment of clarity how my writing needed to continue. The
writing of my past showed me the journey to come.
In the past I wrote two best selling kindle books. Firesides was my
first book. Fireseeds was actually part of a series called Black Panther
Rising. It was meant to be a series of mini novellas. I had based the love
relationship of the two main, archetype female characters on Danielle and I.
When Danielle left I lost inspiration to finish the series. I did write the third
installment to the series called On Hallowed Ground however never released
that book or any other installments thereafter. I could not continue to Waller
in the mire of the sadness that had overcome my heart. Black Panther Rising
became my art, my fire to the ideology of true love. I became an
international bestselling author. The book became an instant must read.
My second kindle book, Tabula Rasa Mee Nah: Extraordinary
Measures, really embraced all my poetry over the years. Tabula Rasa
awakened the inner voice to my soul in a public arena. The preface of the
book was dedicated to Danielle by calling it extraordinary measures. I
thought at the time that dedicating a book of my deepest passion in poetry
would show Danielle how much I loved her. I wanted to give her something
so extraordinary as she had done with her loving me. It is a sacred when a
writer dedicates a book to someone. This very act was actually a people
pleasing measure.
I always utilized my personal life experiences as a source of
inspiration for my writing. There have always been challenges. When I was
in middle school, during the 19080’s, I wrote a story called The Reign of
Terror. The Reign of Terror was written for my English class. It was a
fantasy story where I used the characters to tell my story of abuse. In the
book it was about a child that was chained to a closet and abused by her
mother. The child discovered that she had special gifts and would rise to
become the leader of the Sil’nce clan to overcome the brutal dictators of the
land. I was suspended for a day by my middle school instructor Ms. Outz.
She took the only copy that I had of the book and shredded it.
“You cannot write about such evils child” Ms. Outz said.
I remember my response very clearly as I couldn’t understand why I
was getting trouble for writing about something that I knew existed. In many
ways, it was my plea for help that someone would rescue me.
“I wrote about what has happened to me. I just used the Characters to
tell it” I said.
I remember my face stinging. Ms. Outz fiercely slaps me across my
face. I was stunned by what happened.
“Don’t you ever speak badly about a teacher. She is your mother,”
Ms. Outz said.
I back up holding back my tears for I really respected Ms. Outz.
She turned on me like they did. When will it ever end?
“No she is not. No mother would sell her daughter to men,” I respond.
“God does not tolerate children misbehaving,” Ms. Outz replies
rhetorically to me.
“Thou shall not kill is one of Gods commandments. Yet she killed my
sister. I’m telling you the truth and you won’t help” I said.
“Do you have the bones to prove it?” Ms. Outz asks.
“No, she used lime to dispose of the bones and the rest she fedTo the
dogs or sold to the dog food company” I reply.
Ms. Outz looks at me taking what I had written shredding the 60
pages. She smiles,
“Your writing disgusts me. No one rapes their children. Let this be a
lesson to you. Your voice shall never be heard” Ms. Outz.
I begin crying.
“You better cry and pray for forgiveness for speaking against a
teacher. You’re lucky I’m not going to report this to your mother. Instead,
you’ll after school in detention for two weeks.” Ms. Outz says.
“Doing what?” I ask crying.
“You’re going to write an essay everyday about how children are to
be seen and not heard. You’ll write how you shall be obedient and not
disrespect your mother. And write how your voice shall never be heard.”
She responded.
Even when I told someone to rescue me, I was laughed at and
slapped. What a dim a reality I was living.
Ms. Outz was wrong. My voice was heard. My voice is heard. I
understand that she destroyed the book that I was writing out of fear, and at
the time such abuse was not believed. I do not condone the behavior. Ms.
Outz perpetuated the belief system that I was nothing by ignoring my cries
for help. Today I write this memoir sharing how I endured a past of cruelty
and lived to tell about it. I may have blocked the emotions for all these
generations. Today I embrace my emotional wholeness with honor.
Writing is my passion. Every child has a mechanism that they use to
survive abuse. Some child will paint. Some children will become angry. I
used writing as an outlet to dream of a better future. A part of me hoped that
perhaps one day I could write a real family for myself. I wanted a family that
would not hurt me or make fun of me. A family that would love me for me.
A family that would love to talk with me and interact with me. That dream
would come true.
Today children are coming forward with their testimonies of what
they went through as survivors of abuse. We live in a time now that such
cruelties to children are meant with compassion and not mockery. Those of
us that have endured such evils do not have to hide what we went through. I
do not have to be ashamed or afraid that I will be made fun of. I am honored
that I did not give up my writing or burn any of the journals over the years. I
decided that I needed to take steps of first experiences. It was time for me to
step out of the shadows. I cannot wait for others to provide the opportune
moment. It was time to take my life into my own hands and live the
authentic journey.
I needed to take the first step and make the change. There was still a
loss of how and where to begin. I felt like a newborn child learning life all
over again at the age of 40. I decided to start with myself. I was going to
celebrate my 40th birthday. I truly thought it was going to be scary because I
was afraid that I was going to be alone.
Turning 40, July 7, 2012
Saundra and her partner Lucky are great examples and role models of
a healthy, loving lesbian couple. They are very spiritual and Christian. They
found a way to mold their life together and live life with a healthy lifestyle.
Saundra is 5’7, with redish auburn hair, Native American. Saundra always
has this way of truly listening to spirit. Lucky is 5’2, Hispanic with black
peppered hair. Lucky always amazes him how she can hear Gods direction.
Their family is amazing in how they work together. Their children are very
respectful. They had two children. Reyna is 16, 5’3 in height with auburn
hair. Her sister is 7 with black hair. In June 2012, I had begun deepening my
friendship with Saundra and her partner Lucky. Saundra was the tarot reader
that I had met at the press release party. I had become friends with them on
the internet and in real life.
The process of knowing this wonderfull family unit gave me hope in
my cloud of sadness that was slowly dissipating. When I began to share
aspects of my life and history my mind and soul became terrified of
rejection. I was afraid that I would be rejected or laughed at. They didn’t
reject me however instead embraced me as a friend and family member
which was new to me. The times that I began sharing about my personal self
I remember my voice trembling. I kept think oh my god, oh my god, I rather
be eating maggots if they reject me. A fear conditioned from my past and
with what just happened with Danielle.
In the process of them learning about me, I shared that I decided to do
something new for the first time. I was going to celebrate my birthday.
Saundra and Lucky said that they wanted to take me to dinner for my
birthday. I agreed. Saundra and Lucky asked if I wanted anyone else at the
dinner. I remember that I quickly said no and that I just wanted to have
dinner with them. Saundra’s reaction of disappoint and wondering why left
me to reflect to my real reason that I was hiding. I was afraid to have anyone
else around me at the time. My negative inner voice told me that I would be
rejected for having endured such sorrow and perceived as weak due to my
rawness in my emotions. That reality would be proven wrong. I discovered
that other people I knew wanted to invite others to dinner and have me there
to celebrate as well. I would only discover that a few months after the fact.
My birthday was always a big deal to me in secret. It was the day of
my birth. Turning 40 would be a milestone for me. In the past I had
recognized my previous birthdays, however I associated them with the
memories of a brutal past. The process of looking at my own self during this
grief was difficult. Quickly sometimes and slowly at other times, I was
discovering that I placed my life in the role of a victim, lacking self value or
understanding what others saw in me. I still cringed when people asked me
about my family. In past, I use to say that they were killed in a car accident
when I was 17 years old. This was reinforced by local authorities who tried
to help me with a new life. The local authorities said that this “lie” of them
dying in a car accident would be easier for people to understand then the
abuse that I had went through.
In the time that I had grown up which was over 20 years ago, people
didn’t possess an understanding of those that had an abusive childhood or
survived such an ordeal. Today people are more understanding and not so
cruel towards those that have endured such a trauma. I decided that I would
no longer hide the truth about what my family had done to me. I would no
longer hide who I am. Connecting to this truth made it real. I was and am a
survivor. The sorrow of my heart opened the doorway to that reality. The
process of sharing my grief has been difficult because my human response
based on prior negative reactions dictated that I was different. While most
people worried about what to wear for the day. I wondered if I will speak
English correctly? Would I be judged for what I went through or do the
clothes that I wear match? Would the next woman do the same thing as
Danielle? I still had the habit of once I wear something even for an hour, I
have to wash it immediately. If I get a fleck of dirt on my clothing I started
to get anxious because I wonder if others will see it.
My anxiousness came from childhood when I was forced to wear
urine stained clothes to school. Children use to make fun of my clothes. I
even have a fear of glasses. When I was a child, other school children took
my glasses and broke them into my face. Once, the mean children took a
pencil and jabbed into my hand chanting,
“Stinky winky.” I am coming to realize that as I am a beautiful
woman.
One night prior to my 40th birthday, I began wondering why Danielle
and I were no longer a match. The why eluded me and didnt seem to process
in my brain. I felt like I was having a short circuit in my brain about it all. I
decided to ask my friend Saundra. She explained it so clearly to me that it
was an epiphany. The relationship with Daniel awoken me to who I was. In
the process I began to rise. Daniel was an emotional fixer upper. In the
process I was no longer on the same page as Danielle. This created a divide
between us. Saundra’s explaination answered my why at the time. I was like
I wish somebody had sent me a fax back when I was depressed. Hello. I did
not understand that when I was involved with Danielle. I instinctively went
to “What did I do wrong? Why couldn’t I be loved?” in my head.
Suddenly it hit me. I was good enough to love. I just grown to a point
that Danielle and I were no longer on the same page and leaving me with the
words “give me time and space” was Danielle’s only way out. Granted
Danielle went about it poorly. The intention though is understood. I finally
understood. I am blessed by this one family that spirit put onto my path. It
would turn out to be the family that I had wanted since I was a child and
often prayed that one could have. They are the embodiment of a
manifestation for a true family. I have learned that blood does not make a
family. It is the connection of people, and a community that makes a family.
It’s amazing to me their level of depth and inspiration into the beauty that
life has to offer. There is a strength in the challenge that we face. Will we
allow it to defeat us or help us grow?
There was a time that I was deeply hurt by Danielle choosing to be
with someone else. Today I know that Danielle was the lesson I needed to
learn. At the time I was devastated by Danielle leaving me. In its aftermath
ashes were left of that dream that could have been. A prayer that she herself
proclaimed to me and my inner circle of friends that I was the answer to her
prayer to the universe of being her true love. There will always be a part of
me that will love the person Danielle however not her actions. We love each
person differently. In the process that person will always have a part of us.
There were good times that I shall not forget. I always remembered how she
use to look at me when I made her smile and how she called me “her wife”
during the moments of highest orgasmic intimacy.
I cannot say if the universe will honor my life with the presence of
another partner, a woman loving and honorable. I have dreams that she is
near. I have come to understand what I am meant to do. I will stand in the
light, and give hope to others that have been through the same situation as
me. I know when I gave up on hope that the universe showed me hope
through a family of Sandra and Lucky.
On July 6th, 2012 Ms. Kay, and Anne asked me to come over to their
house. They told me that their dog was sick and needed to see me. I was not
sure what to think of that. I went over to the house. They had thrown a
surprise two person party to celebrate my birthday. It was sweet and
enduring. There was a helium balloon there that said Happy birthday. There
was a snack tray of cheese and crackers. We talked into the hours of the
night about how great it was to see me finally starting to celebrate life. I was
overjoyed by this surprise. It was unexpected. It was the beginning of a life
to celebrate.
On July 7th, 2012 I spent the night with Saundra and Lucky and their
family celebrating my 40th. I opened this gorgeous present. It was a flute.
Inside my being I knew instantly that my life had come full circle. It was a
message from the Divine Spirit of how to play and celebrate life.
The flute triggered my reflection on the signifance of wolves, and how
I am here today to celebrate life. The flute that they gave me means the
universe to me. At the time, I only explained the partial significance of the
flute as I didn’t want to go into the brutality of what I was remembering.
Inside I was crying because now I can celebrate with the music of life and I
had a flute to do it.
What I am about to share led to my spirituality in wolves and music.
In April of 1977, I was five years old, My mother brought home a white
wolf. Kendra said,
“I want you to learn to play with this wolf”
For four months I played with this white wolf. I called him “Wolfee”.
He was beautiful with white fur and gorgeous mesmorizing blue eyes. I
loved this wolf. I thought wow maybe all this darkness was just a phase and
it will pass. They say you don’t remember events when you are five. I did
because of the traumatic events Kendra had put me through.
I use to play with Wolfee by pretending that I was an artist playing a
flute. I would tell Wolfee,
“Don’t listen to Kendra, she is sad and angry. Listen to my
flute. Spirit will protect us,”
JULY 7, 1977 came. I had just turned five years old. I was yanked
out of the closet that I was forced to live in. It was a small closet. There was
no bed or bedding. I had learned how to slow my body down during the cold
weather so I would not freeze.
Kendra shackled me with black chains to my arms and legs as I was
crying
“What did I do wrong?”
“You lived is what you did wrong?”
Kendra had the white wolf in the living room. She pulled out her
machete and Cyd, her sister held the wolf down as she cut his throat. I still
remember the blood curled howls of the wolf. She skinned the wolf alive
placing his coat on my five year old body. I cried for my friend that was
butchered.
“Why why he was my friend,”
“Know this bastard bitch for everything you love I shall kill.” Kendra
Said.
“Why?”
“So when you become an adult you will realize that no one will love
you. They will throw you away like trash. People are like that. They are
selfish. It’s all about power.”
For seven days I was locked in the closet with the decaying carcass of
my friend. The white wolf I called “Wolfee”. I remember praying,
“my lord who art in heaven forgive me, for my life causedthis wolf’s
death, my friend. Please forgive me. If you allow me to live, I swear I will
protect the lives Of others even at the cost of my life. I walk through the
valley of the shadow of Death, I hear no evil, and I see no evil. I only see the
white light,”
I cried silently in the night for years to come. I would never forget this
wolf butchered at the hands of my own mother.
Four years later, when I was nine years old, I was in a music class.
The instructor was called Ms. Music. I wanted to learn the flute. On the third
day I had to stay after class. Ms Music took the flute away from me.
“You cannot play the flute or be in my class.” She stated sternly.
“Why?” I asked confused.
“Because you are different and you really need to talk to your mother
about coming to school with dirty clothes.” She stated.
“But you don’t understand” I exclaimed.
“I do. Perhaps if you obeyed your mother, I would not be taking this
away from you” she said.
I remember looking at this instructor saying very profoundly,
“You may take the flute. However Wolfee will never die in me. I
promise you I will become someone, an artist that people will look up to and
the music I will play will be beautiful.”
Ms. Music looks at me very sternly.
“Life is only meant for children that are popular, that obey, and that
are not different.”
I left that class crying. I remember being sent to the principal’s office
and I was not paying attention. A door opens at Liberence Elementary and
literally had the wind knocked out of me. I was on the ground when this
teacher bends down, reaching out to me to help me up. I made a vow to
myself from that point on. I would never turn anyone away in my life that
was different. This instructor never knew what was happening at home. She
thought that because of my clothes were dirty that I was a reject. She never
knew that if I had told her the truth that she would have been killed like my
first mentor Marianne. Kendra killed here when I told her what was
happening or what happened to Lana my first grade teacher. Kendra went to
Lana’s home when she was on vacation and took her Saint Bernard. Lana
kept asking questions about my home to Kendra. Kendra sent a message
back when Lana returned home. Lana opened her door the heart of her St.
Bernard was on her doorstep.
The flute that was given to me for my 40th birthday was a sign from
the universe. I was loved. Wolfee remembered. The spirit of wolfee utilized
my friends to tell me that my music would play on. It was a sign that my
friend the great white wolf, Wolfee, had never forgotten me.I am meant to
live this life with celebration and honor. Little did they know that they had
tapped into the very core a child that wanted to cry and say thank you for
remembering me. It also reminded me that the reason I lived was to help
others. The flute sits now on my shelf of new life events of love. My 40 th
birthday was my 1st celebration of my birth and the best. I look forward to
many more years to come in celebrating. Thank you Voice of Reason and
Anne for the night before. The surprise was great. Thank you Saundra and
Lucky for spending time and celebrating my 40th. I am blessed.
I shall never forget my 40th birthday. To this day I still have the
presents that was given including the carnation. Suandra and Lucky gave me
a carnation for my 40th birthday.
EMOTIONAL DETOX
In Mid July of 2012, a couple weeks after my birthday, I had become
very ill. At the time I thought that I was having an outbreak dealing with my
allergy to cedar. Every six months I had to go to the hospital for a steroid
shot due to the cedar allergies in San Antonio Texas. When I first went to
the emergency room I was treated with the pill version of the steroid shot. It
did not work. The next day I was worse. I went back to the emergency room
two days later and received the shot version. It still did not work. The fever
sat in. I noticed something very disturbing in my urine. I had blood in my
urine and I was not on my menstrual cycle. I became very concerned about
this.
I didn’t feel right. I felt as though death was growing inside my body.
I could not keep warm or eat. I kept throwing up and had direahea. I was not
hungry and it was hard to breathe. I did not understand what was going on. I
was trying so hard to stay focused. I remembered that my friend Saundra’s
birthday was coming. I was putting together a video project as a surprise for
her birthday. To this day I do not know how I managed to finish that gift on
time. I remember the chills, the fever and I kept praying,
“If whatever I have is going to kill for the love of God, let me finish
this video first. And no let me die after I present it and not at the
House when I give the video.”
My body was shutting down. It was hard to urinate. I couldn’t focus.
It felt like something vile had taken over my body and it was eating me from
the inside out. I finished that video and she did not realize until afterwards
how sick I was.
The two weeks that I was sick seem like a blur to me now. There was
one thing that I do remember to this day that has stuck with me. Saundra and
Lucky’s actions of caring that saved my life. Saundra and Lucky kept
feeding me broth soup when I could not eat regular food. It had gotten to the
point that when I went to the bathroom, my feces were just liquid.
I remember the day I called Saundra to take me to the emergency
room. I was dizzy and could not see hardly. The light hurt my eyes
immensely. I stumbled when I opened the door. Saundra grabbed and helped
me walk. This one moment shocked me. Saundra cared genuinely about me.
She could have hurt me. She could have taken this one moment to take my
life. I was afraid. I knew something was wrong if I was afraid to even go
outside. I was hallucinating due to the fever that I had.
The doctors had to put me on an iv. I had drunk so much water that I
literally knocked the sodium out of my body. The blood in my urine was so
dark that they asked if I peed sweet tea. The doctors stated that I had a
urinary tract infection. The next day was worse. The process of going back
and forth to the hospital emergency room would continue for two weeks.
The fever got worse one night. I remember my companion, my cat,
Mr. Sky meowing during that night. My temperature hit 105 degrees.
Everyone was telling me to take a cold bath and sit in it. I remember texting
Saundra and talking out of my brain. I was not making sense at all. I kept
talking about how afraid of the water I was. I told Saundra about Laddie, a
dog from my childhood.
When I was ten I had a collie named Laddie. He was a gorgeous
animal. Kendra had locked Laddie in a wooden in a 105 temperature day for
a period of seven hours. He suffered a heat stroke. Kendra came home from
work and grabbed me. She opened the box and threw me into the box. She
told me that I needed to put Laddie in the bathtub. I grabbed Laddie and
dragged his limp body to the bathtub. His eyes were rolled in his head. I
began crying begging Laddie,
“Please come back, please.”
Kendra took a horse whip and cracked it on my back.
“I told you I would kill everything you loved,”
Kendra grabbed the back of my neck and forced my head under water
in the bathtub. I gasped for air. Kendra looked into my eyes with such anger.
“I wish you die, bastard.”
Kendra took my head and slammed it on the edge of the bath rub. My
chin cracked open. Blood was everywhere. I was screaming. Cyd, Kendra’s
sister walked in.
“What the hell are you doing?”Cyd asked.
“Teaching the bitch a lesson.” Kendra replied.
Cyd looks down at me seeing Laddie’s body.
“You killed Laddie? Are you fucking nuts? We needed to sire him to
to get puppies. “ Cyd stated
Kendra cracked the horse whip across my face.
“She made me do it!” Kendra yells.
“Kat made you do it? I had her chained upstairs. Once we were done
with her, we unchained her. That was only ten minutes prior to you coming
home,” Cyd stated.
“Fine, you can have her. Remind mother that when she fucks this
whore, that I want my money for the car payment,” Kendra stated.
My grandmother and aunt use to rape me. When my grandmother got
off, she would pay my mother money.
Cyd looks at her.
“Business is business. You fuck her I get money. Or does
MotherForget how we do things?” Kendra asked.
Kendra left as Cyd takes me out of the bath tub. I was pulled out of
school for two weeks under the guise I was sick. Cyd told me that they could
not take me to the hospital or they would ask questions regarding the injury.
Cyd took duck tape, and bandages to close the wound on my chin. I was
forced to wear a dog collar for two weeks during this time. The injury never
healed correctly. To this day, I have a scar on my chin to this event.
The fear of water due to my fever triggered a somatic response to my
memory of Laddie. I finally rose up and took a cold bath. I went to the
hospital the next day and they began to put me on new treatment. The fever
finally broke and I began the road to recovery. The last time I went to the
emergency room the doctors assistant told me that they did not know what I
had. They were worried that my kidneys would shut down. They had given
me too strong of medication. The road to recovery would be difficult
especially with eating. I had not eaten solid foods for almost two and a half
weeks. It would take a while before I could eat solid food.
During this illness, I lost a lot of weight. There was never a clear
answer as to what I had that made me so ill. There was a theory that I had e
coli because the last solid food I had was a hamburger with lettuce. Twenty
four hours later I had become ill. There was a lettuce recall at the star
restaurant where I was working at. That is where I had the burger. The
answer may never medically be known. I did come out a different person
from the illness.
I have come to understand that the illness that I had encountered was
an emotional detoxing. I became ill because of the deep sorrow that I had
endured for the last six months. Fuel to the fire was added with dealing with
the memories of childhood. The mind, body and spirit of a person is deeply
connected. There is a fine balance to maintain the healthy relationship of the
three. My sorrow and grief triggered my post traumatic stress syndrome that
I did not realize existed. By staying in such a grief stricken state for so many
months effected my physical health. The body is not meant to endure such
intense grief for long periods of time.
Emotions are primal to our body’s state of existence. Emotions are the
one thing that cannot be controlled. They are unpredictable in each person’s
journey based on life experiences and teachings. One of the core emotions in
a person body is grief. Grief is one of the core value emotions of the heart.
Grief opens the doorway to somatic responses and triggers memories stored
within a person’s being. The stress of grief opens the physical body to
physical manifestations of various ailments if not recognized. Rheumatoid
arthritis, asthma and heart disease has medically been linked to state of grief
untreated.
The physical body can be seen as a battery. The battery cycles through
various phases of charges. In the human body emotions produce a chemical
known as ACTH (adrenocorticotrophin hormone). Once this chemical is
released by the emotion then it travels to the adrenal gland located above
the kidneys. Chemical reactions to emotions can be seen in such cases as ad
reline when people are exposed to high rushes of emotion. The adrenal gland
processes the chemical and produces another chemical known as cortisone.
The cortisone balances and levels the primary chemical emotional reaction
of ACTH. The resulting effect balances the person’s emotions in their body
and the person returns to a regular state of existence. They return to base
level zero or what people might say “normal”.
What happens when the cycle of energy breaks down? The physical
body becomes ill. Grief over charges the ACTH causing the physical body to
produce too much cortisone. The high levels of cortisone seep into the blood
system. The blood system cannot process such high levels of cortisone for a
long period of time. When the balance is not found, the immune system
begins to break down in the thalamus. The thalamus is responsible for
producing the white blood cells in the body’s immune system. The high
levels of cortisone imbalance literally destroys the white blood cells. White
blood cells are the warriors in the body to fight off infecting viral particles
that cause illness within the body. The physical body no longer has
protection against any infections or diseases that normally would be fought
off. The body becomes open to an array of infections.
I had become ill because my emotions were detoxing the negative
charges that I was carrying within my body. I did not find a balance. I stayed
in that emotion. I stayed in a negative charge for so long that it drained the
positive charge within my white blood cells. It is like trying to jump start a
car battery using the wrong cable ends. No charge was being made. Once I
began to make this realization then I started to make a connection. I had to
basically get a whole new battery. The key to this balance of positive charge
within my body was recognizing what I needed to do to find balance. I
needed to level off and own my emotions. Keeping my emotions hidden in a
box would only lead to a dam breaking that would cause further
manifestations of physical ailments.
The illness taught me to balance my health and to be kind to my body.
I learned a new way of eating. Saundra and Lucky became my mentors
regarding my diet. I was stubborn at times. I did learn though. At the end of
the day, I remembered it was okay to take care of my health. I recovered
healthier than I have ever been in my life. My life is honored and blessed by
the ones that helped me through my illness. It is a valuable lesson into the
workings of emotion and its connection to the physical body. While it might
be hard to get up or to move forward it has to be done in a healthy manner.
Thank you Saundra and Lucky for being there for me.
THE DEATH OF MR. SKY
August 2012. I just endured an illness and recovered. I was healthier
than I had ever been in my life. The experience of the illness was very scary.
2012 has been full of events for me thus far. First there was the fire in my
apartment in January followed by five months of dealing with Danielle and
my broken heart. In the process of the illness, I learned to trust through my
best friends Saundra and Lucky. With every event I seemed to shed my old
skin and develop new layers of my being. I felt like a constant baby butterfly
going into the cocoon and emerging. My best friend Saundra described it
best. She said I was a teapot and with event I was being put into the fire
remolded to become the best little teapot. What great description.
I know what I saw in the fire regarding seeing the ghost of my sister,
Sarah. In many ways her spirit was there guiding me as I once guided her
when we were children. The whole love with Danielle showed me that I was
not hard as I had thought. I could love another woman intimately. Danielle
awakened me sexually and opened the doors to my healing. I am beginning
to call these adventures Katantics. Katantics would become a term that a lot
of my friends would start using. Yet another event was about to occur that
would take me to another level of sorrow.
My animal companion whom I named in real life, Mr. Sky, had
become very sick. He was my friend, an orange and white orphaned cat. He
was a little overweight because I fed him constantly. Everytime that I would
write at my computer he would sit there by me, looking. When he wanted to
play I would throw him his balls that I would buy him. I loved when I would
come home to the apartment because he would sit there in the window,
meowing. He always knew when I was coming home even if I didn’t. In my
eyes, he was my forever cat. He was abandoned by my ex-roommate. I took
him in and loved him. At first I tried to reject him. I kept thinking he was not
my responsibility. I remembered how it felt to be abandoned. Every night he
would return to my patio window on my balcony. I let him in and in the
process he found my heart. We became the best of friends. When I had no
food due to low income I would always buy his food. I would rather starve
than see my friend not eat. He was my friend.
One time, Lucky, Reyna and Lucky visited my apartment. Mr. Sky
nibbled on Lucky’s toe. It was adorable and at the same curious. Mr. Sky
didn’t like strangers. He really hid everytime Danielle visited my apartment.
One time he even hissed and scratched Danielle. One time the maintence
men were working on my toilet and next thing you hear is the man
screaming. I run out there and Mr. Sky jumped on the maintence man
scratching him. The maintence man was screaming like he was being
murdered.
Mr. Sky and I had our adventures in the apartment. We survived the
fire together. A few weeks later when the apartment complex turned off our
water for repair, and then turn it back on. My pipe in the bathroom broke and
flooded the apartment. The ongoing joke at the time was what will be the
next act of nature to happen at my apartment. The nights that I cried myself
to sleep over Danielle he would sit right there on the pillow next to me. It
was comforting to have there as I talked me about my sadness. Mr. Sky had
the experience of bubbles. I misunderstood my best friend Saundra about
vinegar in the dishwasher so I placed a dish of vinegar in the dishwasher.
Next thing I know I am hearing a low grow from Mr. Sky who was in the
kitchen. There were bubbles everywhere in the kitchen. Mr. Sky looked at
me like,
“Really ma, bubbles?”
I remember the day of his passing as clearly as today. I had woken up
to a horrible meow from my friend. The sound went to the pit of my
stomach. I immediately jump out of bed. There he was on the floor at my
bed. He was barely moving. I began crying for I had recognized this in the
animals that had died from when I was a child. Damnit, I have to go to
work. What do I do? I’m not leaving his side. He never left mine.
There was only one option at this point. I place him in his bed with a
blanket. I began praying that he would be okay until I had gotten home. I
cursed my job, the Star Restaurant for I knew I couldn’t call in. If I lost a
day of work I would lose money to feed him.
In a phone conversation with Lucky, I told her what was going on
with Mr. Sky. I counted the hours at work. Once I was off, I raced home that
night to get to my friend. Driving up to my apartment and parking into my
space there was fear in me. I was scared that I would find his dead, limpless
body. I walk into the apartment cautiously. He is nowhere to be found. This
overwhelming sense of fear set in my head. Tears are filling my eyes. Please
dear God, let him be alive. I reach for my flashlight and start searching in
every nook and cranny in the apartment. Suddenly I look in my closet and
there he was, crying, moaning. He was barely moving. I carry him to the
floor in the bedroom. I placed a towel around him so that he would be
comfortable. He looks at me and I see death in his eyes. I knew he was
going to die. I laid on the floor next to him, crying,
“Don’t you dare leave me. What am I to do without your friendship.
SKY!!!! Get up get up. LOOK I will show you how to get up.”
I literally showed Mr. Sky how to get up. I stand up as I look down at
my friend. He refuses to get up. I knew it was over. I immediately call Kay
“He is dying honey. You need to take him to the vet.”
I begin crying. I thought this was not right. It was not fair. First
Danielle and now my cat, my friend, Mr. Sky. Why?
“Why? He is just a little cat. He won’t even allow me to do a hands on
healing with him.”
Kay very calmly says,
“For every season there is a reason.”
Lucky comes in on the other line as they have me on speaker phone
on their end. All I remember is Saundra and Lucky saying,
“We are coming right now to take you and him to the vet.”
The ten minutes I wait for them to come was the longest ten minutes. I
carry him in my arms to the living room. I sit down on the floor laying next
to his head. What was I going to do without Mr. Sky? I am at a loss. I feel
like life was throwing another ball at me. I was tired of being targeted and
hunted.
“You are my best friend. Shit I even knocked out a fireman to find
you in the fire. We survived a flood in the apartment.” I said.
He let out a little meow. I felt that Sky was telling me that he
understood however it was his time to go.
I look up to the ceiling.
“Damn you, you were supposed to be there when I published my
book. I know that we have our time, and everything has a season”
I began crying for seeing him there reminded me of the animals whose
lives were lost at the hands of the family that I was raised in.
“Spirit, he is a little animal. A cat. He is my friend. Is there not
anything that can be done? Please.”
I knew that there was nothing that could be done. Honestly, I half
expected some spirit to show up and perform a miracle on him. My friends
show up taking us to the veterian. It was revealed that his insides were too
bad. He had to be put down for his best interests so he would no longer be in
pain.
I remember calling my friend Saundra into the waiting room to
discuss it. I had to make the choice to put Mr. Sky to sleep and it nearly
killed me. Saundra helped me understand that I had to do what was in his
best interest. I remember telling Saundra that I’m not like my mother and I
love Mr. Sky. Suandra helped me to see what needed to be done through
wisdom and her loving friendship. She left the room so I could say goodbye.
Now was the time to say goodbye to Mr. Sky. He sits there on the
table looking at me. I bow to him crying,
“You are my friend. Don’t you ever forget that I love you. You just
fucking remember that when you go to sleep to go to the light and
follow it to the other side. You are the most honorable cat I have ever
known. You took on my illness to help me. Why? WHY did you do
this? You are just a little cat.”
I cried so hard. He looked right at me and I could see in his eyes, love.
“You shall never be forgotten in my life ever. Your life shall be the
legacy of honor. Thank you and thank you for going to Lucky and showing
me that they are great people. I will follow the ways of spirit. Namaste”
I open the door to the back room handing him to the veterinarian
tech as I cry. She looks at me saying,
“He is in good hands, Ma’am. He is loved and loved you.”
I lost it there crying in her arms. It was so much to hold on to that I
just poured out crying. I then asked where the restroom was. I needed to
wash my face and spiritually prepare for his crossing over. I would come to
do a podcast on Grief. In the playing back of the podcast his spirit ran across
the podcast and many people who watched it told me that they felt he was
there. The moment his spirit crossed the podcast was the moment I said,
“He was my friend.”
Mr. Sky was laid to rest.
Mr. Sky’s death had really shaken me up on the inside. It was
unexpected that he would die. He was in my eyes an innocent. I believe that
in my mind he represented the innocence in me. Sky’s death symbolized in
me the death of my innocence from childhood. I never had the opportunity
to be a child. In many ways I grew up when Sky died. I could not hang onto
this shell of a wall. I needed to be open and experience life. For days, I
would cry at work. They never understood.
In looking back, I see that Mr. Sky taught me kindness, and that it was
time to move forward. My apartment was slowly becoming a graveyard of
sorrow and memories of the heart. The first day coming home from work
and not having Mr. Sky there felt like a void. My apartment was never the
same after the fire. The apartment held memories from Danielle. Now there
were memories of Mr. Sky. Each room held a memory of sorrow. With each
memory of sorrow would come a flash back of the past. I was learning from
each event.
STAR CROSSED
The Star Restaurant represents yet another ghost within my being. The
thought returning back to the is place never crossed my mind until May
when I found out the truth regarding Danielle. The very idea of returning
was in essence going backwards in my journey. I didn’t care at the time. I
was hiding from my pain in my heart and soul. You can’t run from your
ghosts I learned.
I left the Star Restaurant in 201 vowing that I would never return
because of how I was treated. I was an assistant manager in the quick service
restaurant industry. I left the Star Restaurant and went to work for a casual
dine restaurant. Grandier thoughts that the grass was greener on the other
side. At the I Restaurant, I worked 70 hours a week with one day off during
the twelve weeks of training at the casual dine restaurant. I graduated and
was sent to a restaurant on the other side of San Antonio. It was an okay job
as an assistant manager. I thought wow this is what I had wanted. I worked
80 plus hours on salary. I discovered that my cooks made more money than I
did and they only worked 40 hours. When I was with Danielle, she
convinced me to look for another job for better money. Danielle said that
with more money that we could have more time together. You should never
look for another job because of someone else. This type of change should be
done because you want it to happen.
In January 2012 I had stopped looking for a job. The General
manager of the casual dine restaurant called me a stupid fucking bitch that
allowed her girlfriend to walk over me in front of the customers in the dining
room. Normally I would have reported this behavior to human resources. A
few guests did report it to the corporate line with a deaf ear. I chose to accept
what the general manager said to me because I lacked self confidence. I also
felt that the general manager was right because Danielle left me. The fire in
my apartment changed everything. The general manager told me in front of
my dishwasher, that he wished I had died in the fire because I was a thorn in
his side. I snapped awake the moment he said that to me.
In February 2012, I bought my bartending license and went into
bartending. It was a great experience as a bartender. In May 2012, I thought
that spirit had placed me in the bar that I worked at because Danielle’s job
was down the street from the bar. Something began to change in me. I was
treated fairly and given free meals every day. When Danielle left me, my
perspective left me as well. My logical mind went on vacation. Wanting to
get away from the bartending scene and Danielle, I reached out to my ex
roommate. She was the same ex roommate that left and abandoned our lease
saying that
“You need to know what’s like to be alone.”
I knew that was the wrong choice and in reaching out to her that I
would be read the riot act. My mind could not see clearly about what I was
meant to do in my life. I returned to the star restaurant. Someone could
have said that cows flew at night and I would have believed them. I was told
by my ex roommate that I needed to get my head out of my ass. I was told
that I had made a mistake and that I needed to return to the star restaurant. I
was placed as an assistant manager at the New Brunfels location with the
promise that I would return to the San Antonio Market.
Life was grand once again under an illusion that I made for myself.. I
felt like yeah I could do it. I could commute to new brunfels forgetting
about it all. All I cared about was paying the basic bills and getting cat food
for my cat companion, Mr. Sky. I didn’t care about the luxuries of life like
having the ability to pay for makeup or shopping for clothes. I did not eat
healthy if at all. I lived off of ramen noodles. I felt that I did not deserve
such luxuries because I felt rejected and was punishing myself for allowing
myself to love getting hurt. I allowed my negative self esteem that I had
control my life. I knew deep down inside of me that I had made a mistake. I
chose to overlook it. The star restaurant was the same company that I had to
fight to pay my medical bills when I was injured in 2011. My return to the
Star Restaurant was in May prior to knowing Saundra and Lucky and falling
ill in July.
Working for the star restaurant wasn’t conducive to my physical
health or state of mind. I overlooked how they were treating me convincing
myself that I was in an excellent job. I attempted to hide the truth behind a
facade of a lie that I was telling myself every day and night. In late May
2012 I went full time with the star restaurant allowing the managers to start
talking to me any which way they wanted. I did not stand up to how they
were talking to me. I chose to blow off their words and excuse the behavior.
I thought that if I told myself everyday that I was happy that I would be
happy. That is not the truth. True happiness must start with yourself. I
thought I was not worthy of a good life. I kept telling myself that the star
restaurant was a great company. I even repeated this greatness to my new
friends Saundra and Lucky. I told them how happy I was to be working for
the star restaurant. I was blessed. It was a mask of the deeper sorrow in me.
I remember the night that my new friends Lucky and Saundra came to
visit me at my location in New Brunfells. I was so proud of the restaurant. I
wanted to them see this greatness. I knew that I was lying to myself. I never
shared with my friends, what the general manager said after my friends left,
until now in this memoir. It was so ugly and yet I had put with it. A part of
me was still punishing myself. Looking back, it was wrong what happened.
Saundra, Lucky and their family leave the restaurant.The General
Manager is Dina. She was a great manager before I left in 2011.
Dina calls me into her office.
“So you think that you have family now?” She says
“I would like to think so,” I reply excitedly.
“They’ll leave you too just like your girlfriend did.” Dina said.
“What?” I asked confused.
Dina had been made aware of Danielle thanks to my ex roommate.
They were best of friends. I didn’t expect Dina to use that personal situation
against me. Apparently she was making a habbit of doing this to all the
employees however I didn’t know it at the time.
“No one wants you. We did. You’re a lost child. You really think
that they will love you once they know about your past. We only put up with
you.”
I am at a loss for words. Dina’s cruel words are reminding me of
Kendra. What the hell is going on. Suddenly my negative voice begins to
doubt Lucky and Saundra saying that they were genuine. It’s a flashback of
Kendra’s voice.
“Let me explain to you real life, Kat. You came back because no one
wanted you. We did this because this is all that you can do,” Dina states
harshly.
“What are you saying?” I ask.
“You have had a fucked up life. You’re different. Those people
tonight that came to see you”…(Dina laughs)…”they just pity you like we
do,” Dina states.
I didn’t know how to respond because I was in shock. Dina hit me
hard with those words. She sounded so much like my mother. Everywhere I
was going, people were cruel. My mind began thinking about Saundra and
Lucky. I walk out of the office heading home. On the way home, I begin
wondering about myself. The funny thing is I am ashamed to be in a job like
this. Saundra and Lucky are genuine friends who truly are my dearest best
friends. Sadness begins to sink in making me wonder about things. I come
home going to bed still in shock over what Dina said to me.
The next day Dina’s words feed my negative voice about my self
value. The journey seems so difficult and she cut me regarding my family
and Danielle. That was cruel yet I keep punishing myself.
My friendship with Saundra and Lucky grew. They incorporated me
into their family structure and in the process I began learning how a real
family works. The love and friendship inspired me to learning and
awakening within myself on all levels. No one had ever invested their time
before to be a mentor, friends and family. I began sharing with them
incidents, my experiences with the Star Restaurant. Saundra and Lucky
began to point out that what the star restaurant was doing was wrong. No
person should EVER be treated less than human. No person should EVER
be talked to in such a foul manner. My best friends began pointing out how
my conditioning as a child was allowing Dina to talk to me. The time was
now to realize that I am say and I deserve love. The journey begins now with
my self realization of self value. It was a learning that I never was taught
before. In my adulthood I had to learn things on my own. Saundra and
Lucky showed, demonstrated and supported me in my growth and
development.
Saundra and Lucky were breaking through my walls. I started to see
with clarity that I was of value. Their love towards me and their caring
began to open my heart. Wait a minute. They are right. Nobody should be
treated with mal thought or mal intention. My old paradigms were changing.
Everything began to click once I had fallen ill in late July.
When I fell ill I had to take two weeks off from work. I still remember
what Dina told me then.
“Are you fucking kidding me? You better have a doctor’s note”
After the illness I return to work with a doctor’s note. In the coming
weeks I had to call off a few times due to my severe vertigo I was
experiencing. I am deaf with a hearing loss of 60% in each ear. I have no
hearing aides to help.
One evening, Dina pulls me into her office after I had to call off due
to my vertigo.
“Listen to me. I know that you had a fucked up life. I don’t care.
You are nothing. You’ll work and you will do it well. I don’t give a shit
about your hearing loss nor does the Star Restaurant. The ADA laws that we
enforce are only for appearence,” Dina says.
Shaking my head, I walk out of the office.
In August 2012, I was invited to an interview for a potential position
as a general manager in training. I was pulled into the office by Dina once
again. I am beginning to think I am the queen of being pulled into the office.
My goodness even when I was in school, I was never in this much trouble.
“You think you are going to be a general manager. Who the hell
do you think that you are? No one. If wasn’t for your ex roommate
You wouldn’t be here now you ungrateful person. Go ahead become
A general manager. You won’t succeed,” Dina yells.
Enough was enough. The time of my punishing myself was over. The
days of me just lying down was done. I reported Dina to the new district
manager. The woman apologized for how I was treated. She told me that I
just needed to relax and forgive my general manager. The new district
manager smiles at me,
“Dinas burnt out and just acting out. She’s going through a divorce
with a man that she had been married to for over ten years. You need to
understand the human condition. You understand right, Miss Kat?”
Standing there I just shook my head as to why in the hell did I come
back. My logical mind was returning to me. In my sorrow I hid in the
swamp. Well playtime was over and the crocodiles are not nice.
The new district manager continues her counseling regarding Dina.
“A great manager forgives and you know this,” She states.
There was nothing that I could do at the moment.The next week Dina
approaches me in the kitchen as I was
cooking.
“So you are writing a book about a heartbreak?”Dina asks.
“Yes because it will help people,” I respond.
“What do you know about love? You never been loved. You were
in this relationship for six months. Really You know nothing of love.
How could you? No one has loved you ever.” Dina states.
I thought okay this is enough. I am standing up.
“I don’t know what your problem is however back off on my past,” I
state sternly.
“You think you are special cause you’re writing a book, whatever.”
Dina walks away.
Dina quit the star restaurant and was sent back to a location in
California the next week. New management came into the restaurant. They
were young and they were hot shot managers that thought that they could
change the world. During this time I decided to start looking for another job
and return to San Antonio. Saundra and Lucky supported me with the
deepest love and caring as best friends. They helped me with my resume and
helped me understand that someone like me was valued. I was beginning to
make a breakthrough in my walls and heal. I began to do job searches on the
internet and started to attend job fairs and interviews. My eyes were opened
for the first time in a long time. I felt alive that I could be valued and paid as
a valued employee.
I went through two months of job searches. There was one job that I
had applied that really affected me emotionally. I took the online
assessment test and didn’t pass. I was so angry and upset. I literally cried for
hours. I even made a video podcast about failure on my series
OUTSPokenWYN. I was not upset that I failed the assessment. I was upset
that I had failed my friend Lucky. Lucky works at this same job that I was
applying to. Her faith in God amazed me. Saundra had worked so hard on
my resume. They had such faith in me that I would find another job. I felt
that I had failed Saundra and Lucky when I had failed the assessment test. I
was so afraid of telling them that I did not pass the test. In my mind I
thought that they would be angry and disappointed in me. I was afraid that
they would say you are nothing go away. I was torturing myself with that
low self esteem. Saundra and Lucky would never say that. I perceived that
because of my experiences as a child.
I remember when Lucky texted me about how I did. I shook from my
core. I was so afraid. I saw Lucky as a role model of a very successful
woman. I saw Saundra as the woman I wanted to be. They were both
successful in their career paths. I realized that I was wrong in my fears when
Lucky said it was not meant to be. I had been judging myself the whole time.
I never had true friends like them until now. It is like being blind your whole
life. Suddenly you can see and you protect it with your life. It is
understandable and valid to a point. One of the keys to healing is trust. You
have to trust that you will be okay. You have to shed the walls of hiding.
You can only heal when you let go of the walls. I realized that Saundra and
Lucky would not abandon me as friends. Instead they supported me in going
forward with other jobs. They provided me with positive verbal enforcement
to believe. They kept telling that I would find a new job. I would be happy.
In November 2012, I had an interview with a retail chain. It was
raining very hard that day. I went to Saundra and Lucky’s house that
morning. Saundra advised me that I needed to go to the interview even in the
rain. I went to the interview. Five days later I was hired at the retail chain
that I am currently working at. I was so happy when I found out that I was
offered a job. I remember screaming yeah baby yeah. I felt so happy. I had
broken the cycle of I am not worthy. The job offer did not break the cycle. I
broke the cycle by believing in myself. Saundra and Lucky gave me
mentorship and guidance. I found myself when I began to believe in myself.
Saundra and Lucky believed in me in a time that I could not see that value in
myself. Their talks with me helped me understand how my low self esteem
had held me prisoner. I did the work and now I was ready.
The day came that I turned in my uniform to the Star Restaurant.
Saundra went with me at my request. I was nervous because I did not know
how the star restaurant would react. Saundra even took a video of the
transition. I will always remember how I took the step and rose out of the
low self esteem. I turned in my uniform that day. The manager on duty
dropped her jaw. The manager could not believe that I did it. They thought
that they held me a prisoner with their negative reinforcement that I was a no
body. I was a somebody that changed their life. I realized I was valuable. All
I had to do was believe in myself and have faith. My friends taught me that
treasure.
You are a valuable person. You do not have to put up with someone
telling you that you are nothing. Allowing negative enforcement of your low
self esteem keeps you a prisoner. I found that out. I was a prisoner of my
low self esteem. It is a constant work every day to remember that I am a free
woman. Survivors of a traumatic event will play out that they are not
valuable. We will manifest behaviors and words from people to prove that
our inner negative voice is correct. It is hard work to break the cycle. The
end result is so positive and beautiful. We are not the prisoners of our past.
We are the creators of our destiny. We may not be strong. You don’t have to
be strong. You have to be willing to do the work of your core to find
yourself. What you will find will change your life. It is a mindset of
greatness. Positive reinforcement of value helps the mindset. You have to
take care of yourself to find yourself. Some people might say its selfish. It is
not selfish to heal yourself. It is not selfish to value yourself. Your life is a
diamond. You are the mold of a beautiful pot put into the fire. Your life is
your own. You just have to claim it.
THE HEARING WORLD
July 7, 1980. I am strapped to a green chair in the kitchen of Kendra’s
uncle and grandmother. My feet are in a tub of water, chained as a criminal.
My body is tired from the electrical shocks that Kendra has been giving me.
Kendra walks back to me and places the cattle prod at my neck turning it on.
I scream in agony as the surges of electricity go through my body, breathing
heavier. The water that my feet are in acts like a conduit for the electricity.
The pain is so intense that I feel like my heart is going to burst. I barely look
up and see Don entering the kitchen. Don is 60 years old, wrinkled, skinny
like a bean pole of a man. He was Kendra’s uncle. He has black peppered
hair. He was a master in executing pain to children particulary while they
were awake. He had a quiet demeanor except when it came to torturing his
victims. His eyes didn’t seem to have color. I always remembered them as
black. He looks at Kendra.
“Enough, we need her for tomorrow nights ceremony.”
Kendra knew not to defy Don for he was the brother of her mother,
Fran, the matriarch of the family. His reports would were invaluable. One
wrong move and Fran would order a hit on her own daughter, Kendra.
“Whatever, I have a present for her birthday.” Kendra responded.
Don looked at her.
“Keep her alive. Men are not like Jonathon that like to stick their dick
into dead bodies.”
Jonathon was Kendra’s father, and Fran’s husband.
“Understood,” Kendra replied.
Kendra reaches for a box, a pair of tweezers pulling up a chair next to
my side. Don looks at Kendra.
“Clever,” Don states admiring what Kendra was about to do.
“Just hold the bitch,” Kendra states.
Don suddenly holds my head as Kendra takes the pair of tweezers
and places a live cockroach in both of my ears. I feel the roaches crawl
inside my ears. I could not move because I was strapped down to the chair. I
scream as I felt the cock roach crawl around inside my ear. Kendra grabs
the horse whip cracking it across my face to silence my cries. I wanted the
pain to end. A part of me wanted to die. Kendra reaces once again for the
tweezers. This time Kendra punctured my ear drums as she was digging for
the cockroachs that she had placed in my ears. Blood starts coming from my
ears. I heard a pop inside my ears as the blood ran down my ears.
Kendra laughs as I was screaming. Kendra once again grabs the horse
whip contining to crack it against my face when Don grabs the horse whip
and said something to Kendra. Something was wrong. I couldn’t hear
anything. I thought what has she done to me. Everything was muffled. The
sounds I once heard were gone. Things just got worse.
I was deaf for six months. I was sent to a deaf school. The teachers
asked Kendra how I lost my hearing. Kendra told them that there was an
accident and I was injured while falling out of a tree. They believed her
because she was a teacher. I was taught sign language as a way to
communicate to the other children. I was at loss with this disability. I could
understand how to deal with being buried alive. I could deal with the rapes
that were happening. The loss of hearing was new. This put me at a
disadvantage against Kendra. I could not hear when Kendra was coming to
torture me or when Kendra was behind me with a whip ready to beat me.
Kendra now had the advantage over me. This was not a good thing.
My hearing only partially came back. The beatings that I had received
amplied the loss of hearing. In adulthood, I could not hear behind me. I was
tone deaf with a hearing loss of 60% and I had vertigo. I was given
medication for the vertigo. I would get nausea. The medication for the
vertigo made me sick to the stomach and worsened the conditions. I learned
how to hear by reading peoples lips and from dance. Dance taught me how
to feel the vibrations in the floor.
Saundra and Lucky had mentioned to me a program that helped
people with hearing disabilities. I went to them and was diagnosed with
severe hearing loss. The doctor said that my vertigo was a direct result of
either menieres disease or a crack in the inner ear drum. She believed I had a
crack in the inner ear drum due to the beatings that I had sustained and the
incident with the roaches. Certain noises gave me headaches and I wanted to
pass out from the noise. The doctor believed that I needed to go and receive
a cat scan.
The day that I received the hearing aides was a gift of god. For the
first time in my life I could hear everything so clearly. I never knew that the
wind howled. I heard the turn signal in a car blink. I heard the rain make an
echo when it dropped on the ground. I walked on my floor and I heard my
footsteps produce an echo. It took two months to adjust to all the new
sounds. It was so amazing. I felt like a woman with a new life. I was going
and making noise on purpose. It was like music to my ears. The ability to
hear is a gift. I heard people say that I would grow tired of the sounds as
they had. I kept thinking that they do not understand. The ability to hear the
sounds of life amazed me. Hearing is the music to dance. Now I could dance
with music in my life. I was humbled and honored by this gift.
Moments
The soul search into my identity as I travelled through my sorrow and
memories of past victimization awakened me on various levels of self
awareness. I began exploring my own inner dynamics to provide
understanding and further the process of my own healing. Writing this
memoir allowed me access to further explore who I am, how the past
impacted me and how I can now interact with the present healthy, and
positive. I am beginning to move forward. I am learning that most of my life
that I had been a people pleaser due to my conditioning. One of the most
important things that I have learned, thanks to my best friends Suandra and
Lucky is that I am safe and no one will abuse me.
My inner demons or ghosts of the past still like to resurface however I
am beginning to learn abou the tools to combat them. I am self learning by
attending online workshops for inner thoughts and positive thinking.
Saundra’s and Lucky’s role modeling of a positive, loving and non
manipulative friendship and mentoring has demonstrated to me how to
socially interact both privately and publicly. A journey that still continues as
of this writing.
Saundra and her family have been instrumental in showing me the
greatness and celebration within the fabrics of life. In continuing to accept
the very fabrics of who I am, I see the lives around me as a celebration. A
life that serves as a reminder of the various journeys that we take in our
lives. Each one of our lives intersect, meet, and intertwine as a spider’s web
that delicately sets the balance of light and dark. I am no longer one that
seeks the approval of love or needing a relationship of love to validate that I
am worthy of love. I accept the experiences of my past as a marking of a
journey travelled. A life full of a journey and lessons learned.
There will be reminders, and markers of the past. That is okay. It is in
the recognizing of those reminders that allows me to realize that walls are no
longer needed to hide. My life is now. I am here and honored. My energy is
changing as well. The flashbacks are still there however I am journaling
them to understand as to why.
Just this night I was watching a show on television. The plot was
paranormal in its premise. Normally paranormal shows do not affect me.
This night it did. The episode was based on a true event that happened in
Chico, California 1976. The plot dealt with a woman that had been tortured,
throat slit and killed. I found myself cringing as her neck was cut. It
reminded me how my throat was cut. In that moment of seeing that on
television, I felt the knife cutting my throat. I was reliving the memory. I
drove home holding my throat. My body was beginning to panick and had to
pull over on the side of the road. At one point I looked in the mirror to make
sure I was not bleeding. I started to count, breathing deeply into my body. I
started to come back from that memory. I felt every fiber of breath that was
granted to me through spirit, through god and through the greatness of that
which is called life.
Reflecting on the blessing of my life, I recalled what my friend
Saundra said today,
“Life is about creating new memories”
Spiritually lies within the molding of our spirit and life. In physical terms the
answer cannot be defined by a simple equation. It is the sum of our
experiences that define our existence. It the emotions that imbue our dna,
our heart and our soul that marks the greatness of our flight through the skies
of life. How we process that journey becomes the canvas of our life. I
decided to write Spirit a letter for it was time.
Dear Universe/Spirit,
September 12, 2012:
I look back realizing all the lessons so far that you have given to me.
You were next to me every moment. I apologize for being angry at you
Spirit. I believe now that in her own way that Danielle did love me. I felt it
and therefore it was real. A friend told me that if it’s not real you wouldn’t
have felt it. I understand now that it was not about Danielle being
dishonorable. Danielle leaving was the only way that she knew how to deal.
We had grown apart from one another.
I placed myself in the role of a victim. Something that I had known
quite well how to do. I didn’t want to own that I had a part in her departure.
I utilized Danielle in many ways to validate me. I am no longer in the role of
a victim. I still have a long way to go in learning Spirit. Please forgive me if
I stumble. I am only human and I am learning.
I am a person, a woman who survived and would champion for others.
Danielle and I were no longer compatible because she was an emotional
fixer up. Danielle fed upon my victim energy so she would look good. The
reality is that Danielle had challenges as well. It was a season that lasted
briefly. The greatest quote I have heard come from the lyrics of a song by
Madonna today, called “THE POWER OF GOODBYE”:
“You heart is not open so I must go. The spell has been broken. I
loved you so. Freedom comes when you learn to let go. Creation
comes when you learn to say goodbye.”
Danielle was my lesson. This whole time I was so angry at you Spirit.
I thought that you had played the ultimate mind fuck on me. The truth
was…I was angry at myself. I was the fortress that had to burn for me to
find my core and grow. I had to learn to trust. Forgive me, Spirit for
doubting. I know that faith has always been my grace. I know that you saved
me Spirit.
Thank you for the gift of a new family through my friends. I hope that
I can be the great friend as they have been for me. I know I was a mess when
they met me. There still tweeks to work out. I know that I will stand again
stronger and healthier. I vow to help others connect to you Spirit. I know
that Lucky and Saundra are humble. They saved me. Spirit, you did not have
to send me such a great gift. Yet you did. I am honored that you did not
leave my side.
Spirit, Saundra and Lucky are a true blessing. I wish that they could
see how they are the instruments of grace. Let me now be granted with grace
and fly as the eagle, run with the buffalo and howl with the wolfs touching
the lives of those around. If I but touch one life then all I have been through
has been worth all of what I have seen and endured. Seeing the lives of
Saundra and lucky and how they smile, the lives of the women in my circles
touched by my work, I know now I am the butterfly emerged from a cocoon.
Let me fly upon the winds and my colors shine for this child today has
become of a woman of substance, strength and a woman with a voice.
AMEN,
Your humbled follower,
Katherine Symthe.
THE PRESENCE OF TODAY
GENDER IDENTITY
A common theme amongst victims of sexual abuse is a lack of
understanding regarding their own sexuality and gender identity. Gender
identity is formed early on as children search for their social cues, and
displays based on environment, family interactions and social cues.
Childhood vicitimization leads to stressful factors creating difficulties in
ones embracing of several identities including sexuality and gender
identification. My biological family stripped me of my identity, sexuality
and gender identification through their forced traumazations. Often times
victims of sexual abuse will either become self isolated, possess hyper
sexual drives and/or lack an understanding of their placement within these
identities.
My homosexuality is inante and born within me. I discovered at 19
that I was a lesbian however didn’t understand how to relate to it. I
experimented with bisexuality to fit the norm and quickly discovered it
didn’t work for me. Every time I had sex with a man it didn’t feel natural to
me. I use to ask friends at the time to explain this to me. Those so called
friends would explain however turn around and make fun of me. I became a
mockery to them. The very idea of sexual intercourse reminded me of the
rapes. I saw sex as nothing more that someone going to the market place
shopping for lettuce. While I slept with the father of my son it was bland and
I felt blank during the process. My thought was that I had to do this because
it was expected. There was no pleasure for me. In trying to understand
sexuality and the pleasures I went into prostitution as an early adult. It was
easy. Afterall I had been trained since I was three since Kendra always sold
me to men for money.
The john that I had would be the one that took me out of prostitution.
He said that I had reminded him of his daughter and he felt guilty about what
he was doing. I was with this john for six months until one day when he
woke up. That morning He said that he had a dream that God spoke to him
and that I was to be returned to spirit immediately or lose everything.
I remember looking at him like he was loosing his marbles. The next
morning his car was stolen. Instantly he knew what needed to be done. He
had no clue about spirit. I remember how he told me that one day I would
find myself. He gave me $10,000 dollars cash and told me to never return to
the town that I was living in. He said that I should never feel guilty for what
happened to me. One day I would wake up inside and find I was a beautiful
woman.
I took that $10,000 dollars and bought six months of rent. I have never
spoken about part of my life until this memoir. It is important to know. As
victims we will tend to repeat cycles of abuse by others onto us. It’s a way to
show that we have no value. We tend think that because of low self esteem
that we are nothing. A lesson that I myself am learning. I have never
returned to the world of prostitution since.
Five years would pass. I met my wife to be. Her name was Sue. She
was a woman of intensity, 5’2, white with black hair. She was always
fighting weight problems. We stayed together for 10 years til our divorce.
Our marriage was tumultuous. Five years into the marriage, Sue became
physically abusive. Sue had become involved in something called Reiki. She
utilized Reiki as an excuse to hit me. Sue claimed that she was just
channeling energies to help heal me. This is not Reiki. Let it be known that
Reiki is not abusive and doesn’t infect a person to become an abuser.
I thought that Sue would be the one to teach me about sexuality and
love. Sue said that it was not her job to teach. My job was to please her. Our
intimacy consisted soley of me pleasuring her with a strap on. Once Sue was
fulfilled she demanded that I make her food. I was never satisfied in the
intimacy. Sex to me was like whatever. I had seen this as my punishment
for my past and being a victim of rape. My people pleasing behavior was
coming out. I thought that by only pleasing others and forgetting about me
that I would be safe. The divorce of my ex wife, only proved to me in my
eyes that I was right. When you think a thought, you will find validation to
prove that truth. For 21 years of my adult life, I kept validating my low self
esteem in my sexuality and gender identity. I found every woman that only
wanted me to please them. I came to a self conceived idea that this was
okay. I literally became a living self fulfilling prophecy. I thought that this
was gender identity and sexuality. It was not. It was a vicious punishment I
inflicted on myself for being abused.
Danielle, of all people, would be the one that taught me the pleasures
of sexual intercourse. She awakened me to new heights with pleasures,
feeling and emotions. The old saying “Danielle turned me out” fits here
because it’s true. Having been turned out sets a new bar of excellence in
sexual intimacy. I wanted more all the time, and Danielle gave it to me. It
became a sexual craving insatisble that Danielle and I explored each time
with other. Danielle loved my craving and loved how we went to new places
of discovery. It was a fire burning inside of me and with each new burning
and satification became a revitalization. The way we craved and pleasured
each other was like an explosion of new sensations of our bodies. I had
never felt so clear as I did with Danielle sexually. When Danielle left, I felt
like a cave collapsed and I was trapped inside, doomed to darkeness.
In many ways this contributed to the loss that I endured regarding
Danielle because I didn’t want to loose that feeling. The idea of rejection
tormented my soul. Reality of our experiences together seemed like a
passing dream and I woke to a night mare. She was the first woman that
really wanted to provide that sexual connection with me. It was an equal
exchange. I had never known such things. I had told Danielle about my past
and how I was raped. She always told me that it was time to create new
memories. She said that I did deserve to be loved and sexually fulfilled as a
woman. Together we had explored all the facets of the sexual connection.
Danielle was always patient with me. I felt fulfilled.
In reality, I had given Danielle a power over me in validation through
sexuality. There is an energy when you give people power over you. It is a
very powerful. It becomes intoxicating to have power over someone. I know
that in the moments that we were intimate that it was real. Danielle’s words
to me were real in that moment. She awoke the sexual connection in me as a
woman. I came to life. In the process of awakening I began to shift my
energy. I was no longer in the same vibration as I once was. Danielle no
longer had a purpose of validation. I did not realize this at the time. I do miss
the sexual connection as it was the first time I had felt this in my soul. I do
not miss that I made myself a prisoner of my own low self esteem.
In the process of healing, and accepting the loss of Danielle I began to
change as a woman. I was no longer someone that was lost. I began to see
my inner beauty. Saundra’s and Lucky’s unconditional love in their
friendship awakened my core essence to a new, higher vibration level. I
began to do the core work on myself. In the process I began to emerge as a
woman of substance, beauty and depth. When Saundra and Lucky first met
me they had no idea if I was butch or femme. I did not even know what I
was in my gender identity. I was androgynous. Their positive enforcement of
value guided me to finding what was natural for me. I love being feminine
and all the facets of womanhood.
Gender identity is about what speaks to you. Sexuality can be difficult
as victims. I know this first hand. I love the sexual awakening that is
occurring in myself as I find my gender identity and embracing my
feminitiy.While my exploration of my gender identity and sexuality
continues, I have been awakened sexually as a woman. This awakening has
given me a sense of a part of me that was once isolated. There is now a sense
of what I want and desire in the next relationship. Danielles behavior of how
she departed was disrespectful and dishonorable. However, I have learned a
lot. During the first year of writing this memoir I didn’t want anything to do
with any possible future sexual relationships. During the second year, I went
into the exploration of the process and what I learned on all levels
somatically. Today, I am open to a new sexual relationship, a partnership
with another woman.
My eyes are wide open to the possibilities and will not ignore red
flags or warning signs. I shall be mindful of the choices I make for I am no
longer allowing myself to repeat cycles of negativity in my lie. I have
reclaimed my life and now thriving today. I have written a manifestation of
what the next relationship looks like right down to the last detail. I cannot
answer or attest as to whether or not the manifestation shall be granted.
What I do know is that the universe is about timing.
BIOLOGICAL FAMILY CLOSURE
The process of writing this memoir led to do one last closure to 2012.
It was time to bring closure to my biological family. There was one last
surviving member to contact. I had not talked to them since I was 17, almost
24 years ago. In January 2013, I decided to find my aunt Cyd. I knew how to
get a hold of her. There was information that I really needed to find out truth
about. A small part of me had this gran illusion that she would just apologize
for everything that had happened. However, I knew the truth.
I needed to bring closure and tell them that I know that what they did
to me was wrong. I wanted to also let her know that I forgive her. Surely, I
was not apologizing nor there was no way in hell that I was forgiving her for
her. The forgiveness was for my own peace of mind. Finally, Kendra use to
tell me that I was not her biological child. I was told that I was bought on the
black market. I had no reason to doubt because most of the children that they
had abused were bought from the black market. These people use to switch
out children at birth for a price. It was a family business and that was how
they made their money. Kendra took it a step further by selling children into
prostitution. Men use to pay Kendra to rape and molest children. Kendra
provided the children in satanic ceremonies. I was one of those children sold
by Kendra to these depraved, sick men.
I nervously called Cyd. She acted like no time had passed between us.
24 years had passed between us. Time for truth was here. Something inside
me told me what she was going to say and it made sick to my stomach. I
tried to record the conversation however my voice recorder was acting up.
I read Cyd a quote from the Bible. I read Psalms 32 about forgiveness.
“I’m going to ask you some questions, you’ll tell me the truth.”
“Of course, why would I lie?” Cyd stated.
“Don’t go there. Your life is a lie. You know what was done.” I said.
Cyd sighs.
“After today, your life is in the hands of Spirit. May God have mercy
on your soul for the children you hurt. You stayed silent because you were a
coward,” I said
Cyd nervously laughed,
“I was smart. Do you honestly think I wanted my back broken, or
tortured the way you were because you stood up?” Cyd asked.
I lit a cigarette,
“Who is my real mother?” I asked.
“Yes, we bought children. Kendrea bought them and yes they be
switched and then at her disposal for torture and payment. However, Kendra
is your mother,” Cyd stated.
“Are you sure?”
“No. I didn’t go to the hospital with Kendra when she was in labor.
However Kendra came home with you in her arms,” Cyd responded.
“Know this, you may think your blood runs through me however, I
will have a DNA test done to find out my ethnicity and the truth will be
revealed,” I said.
“Okay and yes since we are on truth. Kendra did rape you, sold you
and yes she did beastality on you,” Cyd stated.
I threw down my cigarette.
“Do you know what I have gone through living with the fact, she tied
me down, raped me with a dogs dick, and you stood there watching and not
doing anything.” I yelled.
“you have to forgive, Kat,” Cyd started crying.
“We were lost and you were the first child in seven generations of our
family that ever stood up and refused to do what we did. We will die and go
to hell for our sins.” Cyd stated.
“I forgive you because of God and for my own peace of mind,
however I shall not be silent regarding the evils that you have committed.”I
said. Cyd asked me a question that was hard to answer.
“If God exists, and he is so powerful then why did he allow the
Children to die, to be raped and tortured,”
I felt like I was talking to Kendra again when I was a child. I told Cyd
that God had a plan. What happened in our family was pure evil. I found her
guilty of being a coward. I asked her why she never stood up.
“Are you kidding? I saw how they beat you and broke your back.
I was like hell no. I will keep quiet thank you,” Cyd responded.
Cyd went on to explain how the sins of the family history stopped
when I stood up against the family. They only knew how to hurt children.
Cyd told me that I was caught in the crossfire by standing up against Kendra.
I told Cyd that I had faith that they would be dealt with. Kendra may be dead
now, however their silence shall condemn them. Cyd told me that she was
proud of me for standing up and that if I was still a writer that I needed to
write my story so that the other children shall never be forgotten.
I asked one last question. It was a question that I knew would hurt me.
I had to know.
“Did Kendra ever love me?” I asked.
“No. She hated you with all she was. You were just a well
bred dog touched by God,” Cyd responded.
I held my cell phone out from me. I had begun crying. I quickly
gathered myself.
“You said that you all believe in God. That Kendra accepted God
On her deathbed. Do you really believe in God?” I asked.
“We just don’t want to go to hell and God says he forgives our sins”
I took a deep breath into my body. For a brief a moment, I thought,
You son of a bitches. You think you found a loop hole in Christianity.
“I did not call to ponder your soul. I called to let you know
I forgive you. I pray that one day you will realize the evil that you
Visited on me,” I said.
“We know it’s just the past. We were born that way. You have to
Move forward and let it go. Well have a good day,” Cyd said.
A part of me wished that Kendra did love me. I always thought that
maybe if I was strong enough for the both of us that she would realize that
she did not have to hurt children. I was her child. Kendra always said I was
bought. To hate a child so strongly was devastating to me. Kendra’s hated of
me imprisoned my heart and created low self esteem within me. There is
irony. The day I found out that she died when I was 25, I went to the
cemementary. I asked spirit to be kind in her crossing over and perhaps in
her next life she will not be so evil. Cyd’s words hurt me. I knew the truth
deep inside of me. Cyd’s words made it reality.
Afterwards, I cried because at the end of the day, they are pathethic
pedophiles, torturers and rapists. This was my closure with my biological
family. I will never again make contact with them. There are certain truths
that have a point of no return once exposed. I endured horrific abuse at the
hands of the ones that were suppose to love me and protect me. I stood up
against them and that made me different. All my life I hated that I was
different. Now I celebrate my difference. I hid behind walls. Now I speak
my truth that has shaped me.
Writing My Voice
In Novemember 2012, I left the Star Restaurant permenately, and
went into retail. The Holiday came and I spent them with my best friends,
Suandra and Lucky. The end of 2012 is now upon me with so much that has
occurred in this past year. I reflect upon 2012, as defining moments,
impacting my life in every corner of existence. Life experiences that I am
sure shall not be forgotten in the coming years. My friends keep asking
when my next book will be completed. An answer that escapes me presently
as life seems to be a series of ocean currents and I am the surfer. Honestly, I
had hoped that I would be completed with this memoir by the end of this
year. Its already December.
The grieving process of this year has taken me to the core of who I am
both emotionally and spiritually. It was hard for me to look back at a woman
that I loved and relive our memories and the flashbacks of my past. Do you
really ever know a person? Everyone in their life at some point has lost
someone that they were connected with. This could have been a parent,
child, animal companion, friend, spouse, or romantic relationship. The
temptation that I encountered during this process was my own denial of the
grieving . Life never promised to be easy, only worth it. I have discovered
that working through grief and sorrow is an internal and intentional process.
The process must be something that you want to go through in order to
grow. Many people just deal with it by shoving it on the back burner and
move on. This type of acceptance only leads to an emotional dam. When a
trigger occurs, the dam breaks creating a flood that can drown one’s soul.
Accepting it, and owning it is very key to the healing process. Are there
adjustments to the loss? YES. When you grieve for the loss of loss, it is not
just about the loss of that person in our life. The loss of love is about the loss
of what our life could have been.
I grieved the loss of a dream with Danielle. In my perception I lost the
ability to say I am married with this wonderful woman. The process of us
being together, the adventures, the moments we cried, the moments of
intimacy and the ideal of wow I found my forever. Once that realization sat
in, I realized I was lost. Was the ideology that I had once embraced truly
lost? There were days that missing Danielle was painful. The most painful
was finding out that she was cheating on me, moved on and lied out of
PITY. She never expected me to find out the truth. She thought she held
power over me by promising me hope. This was a controlling personality so
that if she did not succeed in her current love all she had to do was come
back. She would most likely play on my emotional attachment that I needed
her to validate my existence. There is however a reality. What do I deserve?
It was a matter of finding my positive inner voice to find myself worth.
I knew intuitively that I needed to return to my soul roots of who I am.
The very passion for my life lied within my writing, my poetry, my books,
and the podcasts that I was developing. The creativity allowed me to feel the
breath of spirit. I was not ready per say to fully embrace the totality of my
spirituality. Some part of my heartfelt hurt and betrayed. That was a negative
inner voice in me taunting me that I was not enough. I felt abandoned by
physical love. This served as a reminder of the past that I was grieving. The
daunting question of why haunted my very essence, my ego and my
construct of reality. It is only natural question to ask why when a traumatic
event occurs changing our reality. I knew in my soul, the very depths of my
being that spirit did not abandon me or betray me. It was the physical hurt
speaking through my heart. Writing allowed me to go inside of myself and
to begin the healing process. Writing served as that retreat where I was not
hurt. I was loved because through my writing I could create emotion, worlds
of beauty. I kept thinking what to write next.
I rememeber in June of 2012 that I had no inspiration to finish the
book series, Black Panther Rising. I tried to write the next books in the
series. I could not. I have the entire outline for the series of books. I even
have the completed illustrations. All I could hear was Danielle’s voice of
how she was my dragon, my hero in love. It was hard to be a hero when you
kill the very heart of the one you love or claim to love. I tried on several
occasions to write the books in the series. It felt like salt being poured on an
open wound. I remember I ran a contest on Facebook in late 2011 and the
question was
“Who is the soul mate of the panther?”
I remember Danielle calling me and telling me,
“I am your soul mate..Your dragon and we fly in the skies together.”
The entire book series of Black Panther Rising was based on this great love
story between two women. How could I write it now when the very thing
that said was love was filled with lies and deceit?
The night was chilly. I could not sleep. I was very distraught. I was
very emotional. I was trying to understand the reality that was presented to
me. Some part of me could not understand what just happened. I began
thinking of Sara my sister and then it hit me. The dandelion - we use to play
a game with the dandelion flower. Sarah would tell me,
“No one knows we exist or that we are being hurt. We need to blow
on the seeds of the dandelion because maybe the universe will hear
our prayers and someday we will be rescued.”
I remember the day we were locked outside in the dog kennels. We
had a marble and we pretended that there was another one when Sara dug up
a marble. She looked at me, smiling,
“Look the ground gave us a marble. You were right.”
I looked at her wondering what this young child meant.
“You told me to just believe. I believed another one would appear and
it did”
Sarah’s innocence of life taught me about faith even in the darkest of
times.
I began writing Letters to the Universe, Ashes of the heart. The last
part of the title with the ashes symbolized how I was burnt. I changed the
title has changed to Letters to the Universe, Hearts Rising. Hearts rising
symbolizes how I have emerged. In many ways this memoir became a
catharsis for me. This memoir opened my eyes to patterns of behavior not
only in myself however the relationship that I had shared with Danielle. A
reality hit me. I really found myself. Once again the book title changed to
Letters of a woman found.
The burning questions that my friends once asked about Danielle’s
weird behavior began to haunt me. The answers became so clear as a
lightning bolt opening up the heavens. The questions of:
 Why doesn’t Danielle on Facebook say she is in a relationship
with you? She did with her other exes.
 Why did Danielle never introduce you to the family when she
was your finance?
 Why does Danielle say that she can’t wait for you to be in her
arms every day yet she denies you in front of the family?
 Why did Danielle only wear the engagement ring around you
yet never in front of the family or friends?
 Why did Danielle on Christmas only want you there for a few
hours knowing that you never had that experience? You are her
true love.
 Why did Danielle never call you back when you called her
during the fire when you said you might not make it?
There were many red flags. My brother from Australia even began
questioning her without my knowledge. Danielle ignored him. NOW the
answers were clear. She was playing a game. I did not want to see the
answers at the time. Everyone that tried to warn me I went to war with. I told
my friends at the time that they needed to believe that not everyone was evil
or manipulative. I did not want to see that I was not the only one she was
having a relationship with. I was a fieldtrip from her real girlfriend. I did see
this because I needed the relationship to validate that I was worthy of love. I
needed the permission to be who I am. This is a common theme among
people and women that have had dysfunctional pasts or failed relationships.
They will stay in a current dysfunctional relationship because it validates
who they are. Now understanding this I had to learn to heal. Danielle was
the lesson I needed to learn to grieve my past, to let go of the sorrow I
carried. It was time to grow, to heal and expand. I needed to diversify and
expand.
I needed to detox. I got the message loud and clear. It was over. I
meant nothing to her. If I had meant something, even a half of a percent she
would have called and apologized when I found out the truth. I needed to
reinvent myself. That is a good one. Where do I begin? I needed a plan. I
began looking at what I want to do in my life and not what others expected
me to do. One thing was for sure. I could not continue to stay at home
wondering if Danielle would return. Danielle even lied about being friends.
Once I had released the videos of how ONE VOICE was started and how
she helped me in my passion I was blocked, deleted and denounced by her. I
was seen as a parasite that proclaimed to her girlfriend that I was the only
one in love. Never mind that she stood in front of the gay and lesbian
chamber and other business owners at a meeting and professed how she was
in love with me. Never mind she cried the night I gave her a ring and she fell
to the ground saying how I was her wife.
My first step was forgiveness. The process of forgiveness was very
difficult especially when I was hurt so badly and left to think I was the one
at fault. I remembered that the Navajo believe that there is power in words.
The first thing was to forgive myself for allowing Danielle to hurt me. I did
give Danielle power over me to validate my existence. Now I knew that. I
forgave myself. Oh how I wept that day as I prayed to spirit. I asked spirit to
forgive me for being so angry. I sent a text message to all those that knew
about the situation. It read:
“On this day, I forgive myself for allowing Danielle to hurt me. I
forgive Danielle for lying to me and leaving. I ask of you my friends that
you forgive the person. The behavior was dishonorable. However I ask
that you join me and forgive
Danielle and do not hold ill will. It is the
right thing to do.”
Do you ever wonder why they say “To forgive is divine?” There is a
Bible prayer that tells us
"…and forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass
against us."
One does not have to do this in person per say. If you are willing to
forgive, this burden will be released. You will be set free from that negative
emotion of hatred and anger. It’s hard. I will tell you first hand that its hard.
At the end of the day it’s about honor. I have seen great evil and atrocities as
a child. I have seen death, rape, torture and people who were misguided by
the power of abuse. I would like to think and still hold to this day that
perhaps Danielle was playing a game and suddenly realized she was in love
and backed away. That is just a small illusion within my heart that she was
true. Danielle did teach me that I could love another person. Danielle did
teach me how to love intimately. Danielle taught me things intimately that I
will never forget. She was the lesson I had to learn. To forgive Danielle
would allow me to let her go to what she wanted, another person that was
not me.
Now was the time to move on. I really dislike the concept of
MOVING ON. The ideology of moving on becomes a paradigm of
forgetting the experience and let’s try again. That might provide temporarily
comfort. We never move on. We grow and emerge from the ashes of the
pain, the soul scar and become a new person. The experiences we endure are
the markings of our soul, our being and becomes the defining moments of
our character and journeys into our authentic cores. This is the time of
reinvention. I found that I was so in love with Danielle that I became
dependent on her for my own identity. We have all done that in our
relationship to some extent. One will begin to like the music, food, sports
and lifestyle habits of our partners because of love for the significant other.
You change as the chameleon changes color with its environment. The key
lies in knowing your own self. When that dependency is gone one begins to
question their path, their reality.
The mere thought of starting a new beginning was terrifying to me. I
still had insecurity, doubt and stress. My stress lied in what will others think
that I had a failed relationship. I then remembered a text a friend sent to me
the day I asked my friends to forgive Danielle out of honor. She wrote
“That’s bullshit. You treated her like a goddess. You gave her the
heavens and Stars. It is her loss that she judged you based on your not
having a real family. Her selfishness will cost her the happiness she
manifested in you. You did nothing Wrong. She could not handle being
loved by such a genuine person.”
The time for a “rising phoenix moment” was at hand. My friends to
this day hate how Danielle was dishonorable. Out of respect for my wishes
they have not confronted her. The very core and fibers of our body holds
within it the wisdom of our deepest self. I call this core authentic work. A
journey to the deepest part of ourselves. This is where the primal life force
exists. Our body and its parts holds the memories of our personal history.
This is called somatic markers. The places in our body that feel emotions
triggered by movement or events allow us to feel those events. When a
traumatic loss occurs the physical body wants to avoid the pain and it runs.
Essentially it disconnects and disassociates from the moment as an act of
survival. For over 22 years I stuffed the sorrow of my child hood into this
box. I had placed walls around the box. I thought that by placing these walls
around the box that I had won some marble game. It was never about
winning. It was about acceptance.
The inner work I was doing lied in the understanding about my
feelings. The broken pieces were the little child inside crying in the corner
asking,
“I am little girl why are you hurting me, raping me. Make the men go
away. Why am I being chained. Why can’t I eat food and not the
maggots that Was served to me?”
When I was a child, the family that tortured me and abused me felt
that I did not deserve real food. On several occasions I had to eat spoiled
food that had maggots in it. To this day I cannot eat white rice. I have to put
pepper or paprika on it to ensure that the rice is not moving. The ability to
finally accept what happened became a moment of grace. I never understood
what she meant ‘til now. This teacher told me
“By Gods grace I lived so that when the time came I would be able to
speak for all victims that went through such abuse. That the words I
would speak would touch them, allowing them to know that they were
not alone. Humanity’s greatest fear is that they were alone.”
My inner work was accepting that I could be loved. My outer work
now involved creating a new life of celebration. It was scary. There were
days that I felt like I was lost. I did not know how to do this action of
celebration. I knew that by establishing new friendships, speaking my truth
of what happened would open the door ways. I needed to walk step by step
and then I would learn to fly as the phoenix. The greatest power I discovered
was that I was no longer going to allow people to have power over me with
validation.
It was at this point That OUTSPokenWYN took on a new journey of
Evolution. I felt that women needed to hear that they were not alone going
through the various challenges in life. The podcast would become a venue of
expression of my experiences, my life and through my experiences, I would
open an avenue of communication to other women out there that they are not
alone.
Today the memoir is called Defining moments. On New Years Eve,
Saundra did a releasing ceremony. My best friends had a glimpse of how
they impacted my life. I remember one night back in May 2012. Saundra and
I were texting messaging each other on a social media forum. Saundra says
to me that I should not drink in the healing process because I need to be kind
to myself. I went wow, really!!! I immediately put down the amaretto and
listened up. I love this example that Saundra tells people about me. It really
defines my journey. Saundra compares my journey to that of a rescue
animal. In the beginning they are all abused, malnutrition and scared.
Saundra says that with love, attention and value that the rescue animal
comes to life. That story is me.
Final Closure, October 17, 2013
Today is October 17, 2013. A long journey to closure and self
discovery. Its only appropriate that I bring a final closure with a final letter.
The closure is for me.
Dear Danielle,
Two years has passed since I first met you. Almost a year has passed
since we were in a loving relationship. In the memoir I wrote what I thought
was a final letter to you filled with anger, shame and embrassement of what
was done. I consider writing sacred especially when written to another
person. In my eyes it’s a form of soul speak. In my healing processs, I
decide to write you one last letter of closure speaking my true authentic
voice, heart and soul. After this letter is written I shall of think of you no
more. I let you go on the physical, mental, emotional, spiritual, and soulful
level. I know you will never read this memoir or this letter. I have spenat
over 100 hours in the rewriting process. This letter is for my own peace of
mind and closure which you denied a year ago.
I wrote this memoir to write my voice, my experience, our experience
with true love and the loss thererof leading to the process of sorrow and
healing. When you left me, you devastated me and broke my heart. The
worst part was that you never told me ttthe tttruthhh evvveeen ttto this day.
Instaed I had to find out through your new girlfriend. She made it seem like I
was the only one in love. You even told her that we were not a perfect
match. The more research I did, more of your truths told to me became lies.
We both know the truth as well as my friends. You accepted the rings,
the car and the computer and told others how much that you loved me. Then
you had the audacity to never turn the car into your name. A car that I gave
you. Everything you did in your lack of communication was disrespectful
and dishonorable.
Now that I have pointed out the facts, let me share something from my
heart. Thank you for the time that we had together. You awakened me
sexually teaching me that I can love and that I can be loved in return.Thank
you for breaking my heart for it was the catalyst to my healing journey. I do
not thank you out of sarcasm however a genuine heart.
I have met new friends, and new experiences because of this. I truly
am alive today and feel every once of celebration. No, not because I am
trying to please you like I did when we were together. Because today I stand
on my own two feet of my own accord.
The past is done. The answers to why doesn’t exist. We think that on
our journey that there has to be a why to events. The truth is the experience.
I hope that my experience can touch anothers life so that they know they are
not alone. I have learned a lot about my soul and spirit. A learning process
that shall continue for the rest of my life. My true friends mentoring me has
been so invaluable.
I am unique and a woman of value. Really in ways I wouldn’t be here
today on this journey had it not been for your devastation. A reason for
every season. Some people lack an understanding of my journey. They fill
themselves with misconceptions not understanding the inside journey. That
is okay. I am here to help others for I am a living testimony of spirit,
strength, and faith.
Travel you may with your own justifications, needs and desires as you
bend your own words to your own statisfaction. Know that one day your
actions and your words will unveil the lies of your truth be it in this life or
the next. I hold no contempt towards you. I hold the love of a past you. Not
romatic love however a place of memory and experience. It is a shame that
you never fulfilled your journey. I am glad that you didn’t because your
secrets would have destroyed us both.
May you have a successful life and find that which you are searching
for.
Namaste,
Katherine Svoi Symthe.
10.17.2013
EPILOGUE: BLOOD AND BONES
Today I continue my journey of healing. I am no longer in retail. I
work with my company that I have created called House of SVOI. In May
2013, I legally changed my name to Katherine Svoi Symthe. My birth name
was Rory Hammon. In my closure with my biological family, I wanted a
new beginning with a new name that I chose. Thank you to my best friend
Saundra that provided an insight that my middle name should be Svoi. In
April 2013, I started counseling and began a deeper journey to the
reconciliation with my past and trauma. Thank you to my dearest best
friends, Saundra and Lucky who invested love, patience and unconditional
friendship love. I have learned so much that the written word cannot even
begin to testify to.
In the editing process of this memoir, many emotions resurfaced for
me in the recanting of lost love and the flashbacks that I had experienced.
Shame and embrassement came to the forefront. The fact that I suddenly felt
tired while writing this epilogue tells me that my body is trying to disaaciate
from the feelings of shame and embrassement. Just last night a female friend
told me,
“Women don’t usually share their raw emotions of what they have
endured and how they process through it. You often just read about the end
result. Reading your memoir made me realize I am not alone.”
Early in the evening, I had watched my best friends interact with their
family and god children. These children are blessed for they were born into a
family of safety. What kind of woman would I be today, had I been born into
a family of safety? I wouldn’t be here writing this memoir to you.
Justice has irony. I am the one that has to go to counseling to heal. My
mother cheated the justice system by dying. She never was punished for the
crimes that she commited. I am the one that every day does 2-3 hours of core
work to find balance in my life and social interactions. What kind of justice
is that where the victim has to do more work than the perpetrator?
I reflect on Danielle, my ex. She had it wasy with just walking away
from her promises, our relationship, committements and our love. Then with
ease she just moved on to another woman who looks just like me, has a
biological family and money. Yet I am the one left behind to deal with my
sorrow and the aftermath of grief.
Sure I could have taken the easy route by not dealing with it or my
memories of trauma. But to what end? I would have been a souless person
afraid to live life to the fullest. I would be repeating the very cycles done
unto me as a child. I wouldn’t be connected to my emotions or my own
identity. That is not a life to live. I know ecause for 39 years I hid from my
true self.
The reature is that the furtuer is now. What are you ding now to
become you are meant to be. We, the survivors, are the blood and bones of a
result from tauma and events that hurt us. I wonder if other victims thing
about justice and the life impact before they transition from victim to
survivor to thrivor. In debating this in my head I came upon a revelation.
The answer to justice is our voice. We must speak our truth of what
happened so that others can come forward to heal and know that they are not
alone.
What I am sharing of myself is deeply personal with my emotiuons,
thoughts and process of healing . Those that area close to me that read this
memoir will have new insights to me. That thought is scary because I will be
vulnerable. I am safe. We have to speak our truths. Latest stateistics show
that 45% of the worlds population is born into trauma. They are the voices,
we are the voices that need to speak up or write up. If we but touch one life
from our experience than we have been successful.
I am honored by my heartbrake and Danielle because it was the
catalyst that I needed to remember . I am blessed by Suandra and Lucky. I
am blessed by all my friends whom have stood by my side.
I cannot say what the future holds for I have learned that future
doesn’t exist. This is not a negative thought. The term future is a
conditioning term to teach use to maintain an order in chaos. I am a woman
of substance, value and love.
Embrace Your Destiny
Katherine Symthe