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UNIV 112: Focused Inquiry
Dr. Westcot
December 6, 2015
Unit III Final
My face serves as a host for painful memories. Gross recollections corrode my
mind as I reflect upon my appearance. My facial features leave me disappointed when I
look into the mirror, because I know that they will never change. As I age my eyes will
sink and darken, my nose will protrude, and my lips will crack. I can only hope that my
memories of him will fade as well, but as long as I have my features I will have my
memories. Growing up strangers would state with bewilderment how I was the spitting
image of my father. He was once a handsome man, tall and dark. We had the same eyes,
nose and completion. Someone on the outside might think that being compared to him
was a complement, they would be wrong. No little girl wants to be compared to her inand-out of jail daddy. How can a girl look up to a man that is bound by restraining orders
from women all around the state, much less feel safe? Security and refuge was nearly
impossible to reach with a man that was always running. Nevertheless, one thing always
brought sweet relief. Whether it was hasty scribbling’s or carefully plotted strokes, a
pencil in my hand signified liberation. I used art to absorb the bad feelings and the bottled
up emotions. I used it to avert my attention from the bad. I relied on it heavily; I let it
consume me. I allowed it to take me far away from my troubles and dull the pain, along
with all of my other emotions. Unsupervised and immature I let art act as a crutch and I
held on for dear life. There is no doubt that art therapy is a viable means of treatment,
however when applied without the guidance of a therapist, art can be used as a mere
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distraction from ones problems and a means of getting away from the world, and not as a
long term way of help.
In a traditional setting, the first step of art therapy is establishing a safe
environment. Diane Waller, author of Art Therapy for Children: How it Leads to Change,
suggests that the aim of art therapy is to facilitate positive change through engagement
with the therapist and the art materials in a safe environment (271). However the
environment that my brother and I where thrown into was anything but safe. My father’s
house was not fit for human habitation, much less fit for two children. I remember my
father trying to convince me that one of his prostitutes was just a friend and that they
were going to have a “sleepover.” He was forever brushing sexual innuendos under a rug
of childish slang. There was always shouting in that house, from him, from the women,
and in my head. To block out all the noise and all the filth from that damned house I
would revert to the comfort my art. I find myself in agreeance with Waller; drawing, for
me, acted as somewhat of “a container for my emotions” (272). Kasia Kozlowska,
primary author of An Art Therapy group for Children Traumatized by Parental Violence
and Separation, lists the complex factors of treating trauma. The goals for the treatment
include family support, ensure that the trauma is not ongoing and confirms a safe
environment at home- unexposed to danger (51-55). From the beginning there was no
chance for me to excel in my self-advised therapy. I could not move past my
despondency while practicing my therapy in the single place that caused me such sorrow.
Ever since I was a child I have had a hard time facing my demons. As an adult I
still cower in the shadows of big decisions and I allow my anxiety to crew right threw
me. Stress gains the upper hand and depression slowly moves in. Kozlowska believes that
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in normal development, children gradually learn to regulate their own anxiety and stress
(51). I blame my inability to manage my mental state as a result of relying too much on
art. When I was a child, art was the way that I expressed myself to the world; I didn’t
need to speak. Kozlowska claims that the creation of an ‘image’ provides a non-verbal
medium for a child (52). I enjoyed the silence and the separation between the real world
and my art, however when I was forced to face reality I was not prepared. That memory
still haunts me today.
My father had taken my bother and I to an unfamiliar house; I was apprehensive,
but he assured us that it was okay and that he had been there many times. As I suspected
it was a woman’s house. She was my dad’s type: blond and tan with fake boobs. A few
hours had pasted and I was beginning to wonder when we were leaving, after all there
wasn’t much for a kid to do there. My father and the woman were sitting together, I
remember asking him when we were leaving and him looking a bit embarrassed. He told
me that we were spending the night there and that he had packed a bag for my brother
and I. I remember experiencing an overwhelming rush of adrenaline and anxiety. I started
screaming and crying; my dad rushed me out of sight. Women had spent the night at my
dad’s before but somehow this was different. My dad’s house was familiar; I could flee to
my room and suffocate myself with in the craft that soothed me, but at the woman’s
house I felt misplaced. The more I thought about it the more I panicked and screamed to
go home. My father, enraged and completely wasted, locked me in one of the bathrooms.
No matter how hard I shook the knob I could not open the door. I was in there for hours. I
had no means of distraction, no way to avert my mind from what was going on outside.
No way to block out that god forsaking yelling. My dad didn’t pack my art supplies and I
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remember never feeling more alone. I remember looking into the bathroom mirror, only
forced to see, yet again, the spitting image of my father.
That memory has never left me. My father, a role in itself that requires love and
nurturing, locked me away and I will never forget that. Kozlowska emphasizes the
increasing evidence that trauma in infancy and early childhood has a long-standing effect
on both the structure and function of the developing nervous system (50). “Young
children are more likely to qualify for a diagnosis of PTSD when traumas involve threats
to attachment figures who act as a source of protection, nurturance, support, and whose
relationship is key to the family’s functioning” (Kozlowska 51). Before my parents
divorced, I remember worshiping my father. He was a good man once. He was the coach
of my soccer team and a member of the PTA. He supported our family and loved us
unconditionally. In the delusions of my five-year-old mind my family was the
stereotypical nuclear household, but I was too young to recall the truth. The more I
matured the more my opinion of him dwindled, but never would I have thought him to
stoop so low. The day he locked me in that bathroom was the day I lost every shred of
respect and once of love for him. My father was our support system and to experience
such a traumatic event caused by that support system inflicted damage to my young
mind. Kozlowska examines memories and traumatic experiences in detail. Traumatic
events are stored at both the conscious and unconscious levels of the mind; Kozlowska
claims that traumatic events alter activity in all parts of the brain (51-52). Any time my
father is brought up in conversation or even as a passing thought I reflect back to that
traumatic day. That memory is engrained in my brain. I can picture that bathroom like the
back of my hand and still feel the walls closing in on me. Currently, I use the concept of
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confinement as a reoccurring theme in many of my art pieces. This focus on restraint
derives from the time I spent with my father and my childhood in general.
Art was how I managed my pain. Kate Clements, author of The Use of Art
Therapy with Abused Children, sides with Kozlowska whilst stating that art is merely a
tangible representation of unconscious and repressed material (197). Art can act as an
important vehicle of expression for a child who has been abused. It permits one to
distance themselves from painful memories and allows the world to see the inner domain
of the artist (Clements 196-197). As a child that was abused, art was the way that I
communicated. I burned threw dozens of sketchbooks and three Magnet Doodles. My
mother never understood my drawings, no one could. I used drawing almost as a
language, one only I could understand. I could tell stories and jokes. It kept me
entertained for hours. As an adult in a creative field, I find that art is expected to tell a
story and make its views wonder. It made me feel good and removed me from my
troubles. Kozlowska advocates that creating art is pleasurable and can lead to feelings of
competence and hope. She suggests that it utilizes key concepts facilitating a shift from
feelings of hopelessness and helplessness to hope (53). Whether it was drawing or
painting, working with my hands kept me occupied and optimistic. Clements writes, “art
is tolerant and can be anything the child wants or needs it to be” (196). I needed it to be a
distraction. Clements proposes that art is not a distraction or occupation designed to help
the person deny or forget but rather a means of exploring inner conflict and difficulties
(182). However, for me, art is what I hid behind. It was the chivalrous hero, always
saving the damsel in distress. I loved it, I treasured it, but when it came down to it, art
was just another thing to push away the real problems in my life and I suffered.
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I do not believe that my ailments would be as severe if I had gone through
treatment with a legitimate therapist. Clements suggests that the creation of an image is
not in itself the therapy, for the therapy lies within the relationship between the art
therapist and the client (182). Waller adds, “art made in the presence of an art therapist
may enable a child to get in touch with feelings that cannot easily be expressed with
words” (271). He also endorses that the therapist receives the communication and helps
the child to tell their story through the art (272). My “therapist” took the form of many
shapes, but it was never versatile enough to encourage me to face my fears or even to
express what was bothering me. I wanted to nothing to do with my story; I wanted to
keep everything bottled up until I lost control. “Art therapy is a medium through which
children can control over what they are doing, and learn how to better manage
themselves” (Clements 188). Clements believes that children who go through an abusive
experience need control and choice as part of their therapy experience. If this choice
initially overwhelms them, a restriction on the amount and type of material available is
helpful (197). Art therapy is well structured and designed to allow participants to
succeed. The session is usually run by an art therapist with a co-therapist, Kozlowska
illustrates, a theme is introduced, silent time is provided for children to respond to the
theme in art, and time to share and discuss the artwork in the group (53). I drew to avert
my attention from my troubles. There was no control, no order. I believe the loss of
control has overall strengthened my abilities as an artist, (one must have the ability to
draw freely and loosely) but encouraged my ailments as well. I used art as therapy on
behalf of my father, but not as treatment.
Instead of dealing with my emotions I forced them down. Clements concludes
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that art therapy can release the emotional reaction to a child’s experience, help to relieve
the anxiety, disperse overwhelming feelings and help the child to cope with ambivalence
towards the abusing family member (196). I still have not come to terms with my father.
He tries to communicate but I haven’t returned his calls in years. I am scared that I will
see him on the street, even though I know that it is impossible. My anxiety is only getting
worse and the depression is unforgiving. I still use art to avoid and dull the pain. Selfishly
I use my rotten childhood as some anthropomorphic muse, but I have yet to come to any
revelations. My art brought me temporary liberation, but without guidance it also allowed
me to hide and be conquered.
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Sources
Clements, Kate. "The Use of Art Therapy with Abused Children." Clinical Child
Psychology and Psychiatry 1.2 (1996): 181-98. Sage Journals. Web. 20 Oct. 2015.
Kozlowska, Kasia, and Lesley Hanney. "An Art Therapy Group for Children
Traumatized by Parental Violence and Separation." Clinical Child Psychology and
Psychiatry 6.1 (2001): 49-78. Sage Journals. Web. 20 Oct. 2015.
Waller, Diane. "Art Therapy for Children: How It Leads to Change." Clinical Child
Psychology and Psychiatry 11.2 (2006): 271-282. Sage Journals. Web. 20 Oct.
2015.