Slow Children At Play
Proudly Presents
New Product
December 5th, 2009 8:00pm
Jacob Sleeper Auditorium
2.
1. Wii Tenis [Intro]
2. House M. Drill, Baby Baby Drill, PhD
3. Polar Bears are Gonna Die, Guys
4. Eye Believe in Life After Love
5. FDR You Gonna Finish That?
6. Burrito God
7. The Hor of Saxony
8. Shakesone to Knowone
9. Diamonds are for Now, Kidnapping is Forever
10.Armaggedon Me A Mexican Hotpocket [Pledge]
11.Old Gravy
12.MLK Thnx Bye
13.Pirates of the Egyptian Caribbean
14.Istambul Not Zombie Apocalypse
15.The New Apple Porn
16.Auto Erotic Asphyxiation!
17.Carls Munior [Self-Referential]
18.Boppers on Board
19.Bar-Soccer-mitzvah
20.Meth Rogan
21.I Blame Fox…ending
22.Butch Dutchmom And The Sundance Kids
3.
23.Wii Tennis (But With Real Stuff)
LIGHTS UP on a tennis player on stage. He
tosses the ball to himself to sere into the
crowd. A cell phone rings.
Sergei (Blitz)
Hey! Who’s phone was that? no, I wanna
know who’s phone that was.
[Jarn enters]
Jarn (Rolls)
Oh, sorry man. That was me. Okay, you
ready?
Sergei
You weren’t even on the court yet?
Jarn
No, I just got this phone. I was trying
out my ringtones.
Sergei
But I was about to serve.
Jarn
Yeah, but now every time I hear Twisted
Sister I know my grandpa’s calling.
Sergei
Which Twisted Sister song?
Jarn
The tennis one. You ready? [Starts to
serve ball, is interrupted. Ball boy gets
ball]
Neptune (Business)
WAIT!
Jarn
Oh, sorry man. I forgot you were playing
with us. Where’ve you been?
Neptune
4.
I was trying to fill my water bottle, but
I couldn’t find the exits.
Sergei
Oh. Theres 2 on the sides, 2 in the back,
and 2 more in the balcony.
Neptune
Why would I be in the balcony? I’m a
tennis player (not one of Fox’s friends).
[Sergei goes to serve, is interrupted by a
cough from off stage. Reggie enters]
Reggie (Soups)
Ugh, sorry guys. I heard you talking about
tennis players not being in the balcony? I
was just up there havin’ a smoke. Pretty
cool.
Jarn
You can’t smoke in here.
Reggie
I’m a tennis player, not a non- smoker.
Sergei
But we’ll all get back hang smoke.
Neptune
You mean second hand smoke.
Reggie
No, I use my right hand.
Sergei
Alright, lets do this, you guys ready to
wipe the floor with the junior varsity
team? [goes to serve, is interrupted.]
[4 more enter]
Jean (Hollywood)
Hey guys, wait up.
Tennis player 3 (Dutch)
5.
How do you expect to win the Hoover County
octuples tennis district championship
without the whole team?
Sergei
Oh sorry man. Didn’t notice you weren’t
here.
Billie (Pluto)
Are you blind?
Sergei
Nah, I’m a little drunk.
King (Fox)
Alright, lets get this started. Ladies and
Gentlemen, Slow Children at Play presents:
NEW PRODUCT!
All stand in a line and serve at
once.
LIGHTS DOWN
6.
House M. Drill, Baby, Baby Drill P.H.D.
[LIGHTS UP on 5 surgeons in an operating room,
one patient lying down.]
DR. JENNINGS (Rolls)
Alright guys we are code red on this.
Rowdiman Intubate, quick!! 15 seconds
until he flat lines?
ALL
(Gasp) 15 seconds?
DR. JENNINGS
Ok, I’m exaggerating (all breath sigh of
relief). But not that much! Cooper, charge
the defibulator! Folgers drill me. (hands
him the drill and Jennings goes in for it)
DR. FOLGERS (Pluto)
Dr. Jennings, are you sure you know what
you are doing?
DR. JENNINGS
Dr. Folgers I don’t have time to know what
I’m doing!
DR. ROWDIMAN (Blitz)
So, you don’t know what you are doing?
DR. COOPER (Soups)
Or do you mean you are just real busy?
DR. JENNINGS
Listen I know what I’m doing!
DR. CASTRANOVIS (Fox)
Ohhhh, this is exciting.
DR. JENNINGS
Contain yourself doctor! Cooper, plug me
in.
7.
DR. COOPER
No.
DR. JENNINGS
What are you saying?
COOPER
You and I both know that I know how to
handle that drill better than anyone in
this hospital. Also, its battery powered.
JENNINGS
You can handle that drill better than
anyone!?!? I went to med school for 12
years at the University of Mexico City,
Utah. The top university in the country
when it comes to dangerous over
confidence, and I finished top of my
class. Also, I gotta learn sometime right.
I mean I’ve had this on my resume for 4
years.
FOLGERS
Wait, you’ve never drilled before?
JENNINGS
(stupidly) Wait, you’ve never drilled
before?
ROWDIMAN
What does that mean?
JENNINGS
It means no!
FOLGERS
Well I was a dentist before I got my M.D.
and I worked in construction before that.
ROWDIMAN
I don’t think your ready for this
Jennings.
FOLGERS
8.
Also, my grandfather invented the flat
head screwdriver, grandpap flathead.
COOPER
This is no time for reminising.
ROWDIMAN
Yeah, I think we all agree. You are not
qualified to drill.
JENNINGS
Guys you are all talking at the same time
and its stressing me out and I cant stand
it! Somebody take this. (he hands the
drill off and exits drinking a diet coke)
COOPER
Ok gentleman. Times wasting. Rowdiman,
prep me. Give me the breakdown.
ROWDIMAN
Ok locate the skull
(Cooper pauses, looks uncertain, grabs arm)
COOPER
Check.
ROWDIMAN
Ok. Now sorta press the drill into it.
COOPER
Alright, here I go. (everyone inhales)
CASTRINOVIS
EEP
FOLGERS
Dr. Castrinovis, please, we’re
professionals here.
CASTRINOVIS
I’ve just never seen this before!
FOLGERS
9.
Well this mans life is in our hands so
keep it together.
COOPER
Ok, here I go. (starts the drill then
stops)
(Car horn then screech and sound of car crash.
Doctors jump over eachother)
ROWDIMAN
Awesome! (high five and run back)
COOPER
Ok, now here I go. (starts the drill then
stops) Wow this black and decker feels
really nice in my hands. It has a good
weight to it, like It was built so anybody
could just drill a head with it. And to
think it was only $39.95
ROWDIMAN
$39.95?
COOPER
$39.95 at Lowe’s this labor day weekend.
CASTRANOVIS
Eep. What a bargin!
[LIGHTS DOWN.]
10.
POLAR BEARS ARE GONNA DIE, GUYS.
Lights up on 3 people blindfolded with one
person leading them.
Howard (Business)
OK, team, keep it up! Everyone's doing
great! Oh, watch out, there's a branch
here. Step. Good. Now Hank, step. Good.
OK, Terry, your turn. Step, STEP! Oh,
perfect.
Terry (Hollywood)
Howard, you are doing such a great job
leading us.
Scott (Rolls)
He sure is. I can really feel my trust
building in Him every second that I don't
die.
HOWARD
Well that's why they call it a team
building exercise, sister.
SCOTT
I'm not a sister, I'm a brother.
HOWARD
Oh, I'm sorry. I'm blindfolded, too.
Hank (Pluto)
No, you're not. That's a lie.
HOWARD
11.
Ha, ha. Yeah, you caught me. So you guys
hear about all the bear sightings they've
had out here?
TERRY
Bear sightings? This is the beach!
HOWARD
No it's not. It's the woods.
TERRY
Oh, well I am blindfolded.
HANK
Man, being blindfolded really is like
being blind for a while.
SCOTT
Sure is.
HOWARD
OK guys, now this part gets a little
scary, but it's also super trust building.
I'm going to put a blindfold on for a
while and lead all of us out of the woods,
blind. Folded.
TERRY
Well, this sounds dangerous, but if it
builds our trust to the point of superhuman trust, I'm in.
HOWARD
Excellent, that's the kind of trust I like
to see.
Howard puts blindfold on as a bear sneaks
across stage.
HOWARD
Okay guys, hard part's over, I got the
blindfold on, now it's all downhill from
here. Though, not literally.
All laugh. Howard screams as bear mauls him.
HANK
12.
What was that?
SCOTT
Yeah, Howard, are you okay?
TERRY
I'm taking off my blindfold.
Bear (Blitz)
No, don't do that. Uhh, everything's fine.
That was just my "I'm really excited for
my super-trust building" scream.
HANK
It sounded more like your "I'm getting
attacked by a bear scream."
BEAR
What? There's no such thing as bears.
SCOTT
Yes, there most definitely are.
BEAR
No, there's not. Trust me, I'm a bear.
TERRY
You're a bear?
BEAR
No, I'm Howard. Look, I'm wearing his
hat...my hat.
HANK
(takes off blindfold)
Okay guys I looked. He is wearing Howard's
hat.
BEAR
OK, now that's settled. So let's get back
to it cause this forest isn't going to
hike itself. Here we go now, Scott, step
over this...branch here.
Bear points to Howard's body. Howard groans.
13.
BEAR (cont.)
Good. Hank. Good. Now, Terry, step. Step!
Oh guys, perfect.
SCOTT
Hey, I thought you were blindfolded,
Howard. How did you see...
Howard mumbles is pain.
SCOTT (Cont.)
That branch?
BEAR
Oh, I have my trust vision now.
SCOTT
Oh, I don't have that.
BEAR
Oh, don't worry. You will soon if you
don't get eaten by a bear.
TERRY
Which of course won't happen, cause bears
don't exist.
BEAR
Wow, you guys are dangerously trusting.
HANK
Thanks Bear Howard!
BEAR
No problem. Now, guys, let's keep moving
but watch out for this deliciously
luscious beehive. I mean, dangerous.
Deliciously dangerous delicious beehive.
SCOTT
Oh no, I'm allergic to bees.
TERRY
Me too!
HANK
Same. I'm taking off my blindfold.
14.
SCOTT
Ditto.
TERRY
Yeah. Sorry, Bear Howard. I trust you,
just not with my epi-pen.
BEAR
Is there a problem guys?
All take off blindfold.
ALL
GASP-choo.
Get it? Like "Gasp" but it's a sneeze.
BEAR
Ahh, oh no. I'm gonna sneeze. It's
contagious.
SCOTT
You're confusing that with yawning.
HANK
No, you're thinking of the flu.
BEAR
No, bears don't get the flu.
Bear sneezes. Hat flies off.
ALL
GASP-Yawn.
ALL gasp, then yawn, like the sneeze but this
is totally when they yawn instead of sneezing.
HANK AND TERRY
It's a bear!
SCOTT
It's naked!
HANK
You don't really get bears, do you?
15.
SCOTT
Until today, I couldn't spell it. A silent
B, at the beginning of the word?
TERRY
You don't really get silent B's, do you?
SCOTT
My illiteracy isn't important. This bear
is going to eat us.
BEAR
Aw, come on, man. I wouldn't do that to
you.
SCOTT
Yes you would. You're disgusting. And
you're a bear.
BEAR
You're a jerk.
LIGHTS DOWN
16.
Eye Believe in Life After Love
[Lights up on an optometrist at his desk. He
clears his throat extensively, presents a diet
coke from his desk, waters a plant with it]
[TECH PEOPLE: * Indicates a slide change]
Roberta the secretary (Business)
(God mic)
Dr. Howard, your 3:30 is here.
Dr. Howard (Rolls)
Thanks very much, Roberta. Send him in.
Oh, real quick, what's my bingo number?
ROBERTA THE SECRETARY
Oh - today's number is G 51.
DR. HOWARD
Hmmm... Oh bother. Always tomorrow, I
suppose. Alright, send him in.
TROY enters.
TROY (Soups)
Hey, Dr. Howard. Thanks for seeing me on
such short notice.
17.
DR. HOWARD
No worries, Troy, m'boy. Why don't you
take a seat, and we'll get started.
TROY
Sounds good.
DR. HOWARD
Alright. * What letter is this?
Slide 1 is an uppercase "R".
DR. HOWARD
And remember, Just tell me what you see.
There are no wrong answers.
TROY
It's an R.
DR. HOWARD
Very good. That is the right answer.
Now, * what letter is this?
Slide 2 is a lowercase "r".
TROY
R again.
DR. HOWARD
Correctagaindo! All these "r"s, you're
starting to sound like a pirate!
TROY
Oh, no, actually, I'm from Ohio.
DR. HOWARD
Ah, okay. But I was close, right?
TROY
...No.
DR. HOWARD
I'm just kiddin'.
is godzilla.
Slide 3 is Godzilla.
Let's move on. * This
18.
DR. HOWARD
Let's move on. Take a look at these two
slides. * *
Slides 4 and 5 are of a Surprised Face and a
More Surprised Face.
DR. HOWARD
One of these pictures was taken before the
second one. What do you think?
TROY
Um, the second picture?
DR. HOWARD
I like where your head's at. You're
wrong, but I'll give you a point anyway.
TROY
Won't that mess up the test?-DR. HOWARD
(Cutting him off)
*Where's Waldo?
Slide 6 is a page from Where's Waldo.
TROY
Hmmm... Oh, is that him, like 3 people to
the left of the wizard, sort of underneath
the dog?
DR. HOWARD
Close. He's actually in the next slide. *
Slide 7 is one big picture of Waldo.
DR. HOWARD
Now, which number is bigger?
*
*
Slides 8 and 9 are of a huge "38" and a small
"1,000,000".
TROY
Ummm, o you mean numerically or size-wise?
DR. HOWARD
19.
So, you don't know the answer?
TROY
Well, I guess I'll go with 1,000,000.
DR. HOWARD
Interesting. Now, which picture Inspires
your sense of American patriotism more? *
*
Slide 10 is a polar bear drinking a coke.
Slide 11 is Santa Claus drinking a coke.
TROY
Gosh, I don't know, polar bears are going
extinct, but everybody loves Santa. I'm
going to have to say even keel on this
one.
DR. HOWARD
I'm sorry, the answer we were looking for
was * Brett Favre!
Slide 12 is Brett Favre.
DR. HOWARD
Moving on. Take a look at these kids. *
* Aren't they cute? Aren't they yours?
Slides 13 and 14 are pictures of little kids.
The kid in slide 14 is in the boy scouts.
TROY
Those are my kids!
DR. HOWARD
I just said that!
TROY
How'd you get these pictures? This is my
first appointment! I don't even own a
camera!
DR. HOWARD
20.
They grow up so fast, don't they?
Anthony's in weebloes already? * And
look at Janet in the bath... Oh, someone's
getting clean! I wonder who it is!
Slide 15 is a girl taking a bath.
TROY
My daughter, that is who is getting clean.
Janet is getting clean. How did you get
these pictures?
DR. HOWARD
Well, you passed your hearing test.
let's check your eyes.
Now
Dr. Howard puts headphones on Troy, Cher's
"Life After Love" starts playing. Slow lights
down, song continues.
FDRU Gonna Finish That
Lights up on seven bros, standing.
FDR [Blitz]
(God mic)
...And we have nothing to fear but fear
itself.
BLASTOISE [Hollywood]
Yeah, and don't forget spiders!
All others
Hey-Shh! We're trying to listen
BLASTOISE
Eh! Excuse me, alls I'm sayin' is spiders
is scarier than fear. Ya know, fear's
scary, but spiders is fast.
HYPHY [Dutch]
And fear ain't never spun no web before.
Others start to somewhat agree
21.
HANK [business]
Well, not usually.
NICK CARTER
Like dreams- in dreams, fear spins some
webs.
HYPHY
Well, in nightmares
BLASTOISE
Come to think about it, there's plenty of
scaries out there.
TUT [Soups]
Yeah, like the ocean!
HYPHY
And Nightmares.
TUT
Like- how it get so big, and we're so...
SYLLA [Pluto]
Could you guys keep it down? The president
is talking!
HANK
Yeah, so are we! About the dangers of the
unknown.
TUT
A president who doesn't get how scary the
oceans are is one without my vote.
ALL
Yeah!
NICK CARTER
-Doesn't get your vote.
HYPHY
Now I'ma have nightmares about the ocean.
BLASTOISE
-And voting.
22.
HYPHY
-And sharks.
SYLLA
I'm just saying that you're missing what
may be the most monumental speech in
American History.
NICK CARTER
Ah! See, you're scared of missing an
historical event.
HYPHY
-Misahistraphobia.
NICK CARTER
See, your fear of missing something
historical boils down to the Kantian fear
of Death and the Unknown- which stems from
the meditations on "Humans and their
desire to be remembered."
TUT
And I think it's weird to say "an
historical."
BLASTOISE
Mmm...grammarfear.
HANK
And the fear of missing history awakens
one to the concept of a finite life, which
causes anxiety and general malaise.
NICK CARTER
And this physical anxiety ammounts to
nothing but the fear of fear its-ALL (Except sylla and ferdinand)
Ahhh.....
FERDINAND
Way to come to that conclusion yourself,
dumbass.
23.
TUT
You know what people always say they're
afraid of? Clowns. Clowns? I don't think
so. They're just trying to get attention.
All agree.
HYPHY
You think that F.D.R.'s afraid of clowns?
He's got a lot of attention right now.
NICK CARTER
He's not afraid of clowns, stupid, he's
afraid of fear. He just said that.
HANK
You can have more than one fear.
NICK CARTER
Nah, fear's a big one.
HANK
What about something like Polio?
TUT
Afraid of a silly word like polio? Nah,
he's a grown man.
Silence for a beat.
HYPHY
...I have a fear that I'm going to wake up
one morning and not love my wife.
All nod, somberly.
BLASTOISE
Dat's deep.
TUT
Like the ocean.
NICK CARTER
Oh, what a tangled web we weave...
24.
HYPHY
Yeah... like spiders...
LIGHTS DOWN.
He Did It Guys, The Burrito Thing
[LIGHTS UP on 4 angels standing over God in a
hospital bed. He is dead. Niche was right.]
GABRIEL (Fox)
Hey buddy, how ya feeling?
GOD (Dutch)
Oh, weird. My head hurts a lot. Where am
I?
URIEL (Blitz)
You’re in Heaven.
GOD
I died?!?
All
(Laugh)
25.
GOD
Wait, why are you laughing? Who are you
guys? Who am I?
MICHAEL (Rolls)
What did you just say?
GOD
Who am I? Am I dead?
URIEL
Oh no, he doesn’t remember.
AZRIEL (Soups)
Guys, he’s not kidding.
GABRIEL
Wait, so you don’t remember anything?
MICHAEL
Wait, you don’t remember working for six
days, creating…everything?
URIEL
That whole bidness with Louie and adam?
AZRIEL
When you made that old dude build that
boat?
GABRIEL
You don’t even remember the burrito?
GOD
Burrito? No, I definitely don’t remember
anything about a burrito.
URIEL
Wow, so you really don’t remember shit.
AZRIEL
Ok then, let’s start from the beginning.
In the beginning there was nothing and
then you said, let there be-
26.
MICHAEL
Guys, wait. This is going to take way too
long. We just have to tell him.
URIEL
Ok, here it goes. Don’t freak out. Don’t
freak out. You’re God.
GOD
I’m freaking out! What?
GABRIEL
We should have expected this.
GOD
Wait a second. I’m God? Like the God? You
guys are really messed up.
AZRIEL
No, no, hear us out. You are all powerful.
Sorry, I guess that really didn’t explain
anything.
GOD
If I’m supposed to be God, why can’t I
remember anything?
MICHAEL
Ok, well now that’s a good story. You know
the saying, “Can God make a burrito so hot
that even he can’t eat it?” Well you
tried. And it wasn’t so hot that you
couldn’t eat it, but it was so hot that it
made God lose his memory. Your memory.
GOD
Wow…
URIEL
Yeah, you were pretty drunk.
GOD
So what was in the burrito?
GABRIEL
27.
Lettuce, cheese, beans, rice and the Sun.
GOD
I ate the Sun?
AZRIEL
The whole thing.
GOD
Why did you guys let me do that?
MICHAEL
Well we thought it was going to be like
Sunny-D, you know, harness the power of
the Sun?
URIEL
Also, you were very drunk and we work for
you and we were very drunk also.
GOD
Oh my me, I can’t believe this is
happening. Ok, I need to make a new Sun.
GABRIEL
Uh, I don’t know about that. Things got a
little dicey with the last one.
AZRIEL
I think he means Sun as in the star, you
know, like the one in the burrito.
GABRIEL
Oh, yeah that’s a lot more relevant.
URIEL
Think, God, how did you make the first
Sun?
GOD
Wow, I don’t remember. It was 4.6 billion
years ago.
MICHAEL
28.
Wait, really? I thought it was 6000 years
ago.
GOD
No, that’s stupid. Lets see…well it was a
Monday. I have just invented the term
“Monday.” I was debating calling the next
day “Boozeday,” and I took a bite of my
burrito and thought, “this is too hot for
me,” so I put it down at the center of the
galaxy and holy crap the Sun was a
burrito. Guys, I made a burrito that even
I couldn’t eat and it was the Sun and now
I’ve eaten the Sunrito.
GABRIEL
Wait, so you put a burrito inside your
burrito?
AZRIEL
I gotta try that sometime.
GOD
Yeah, I amaze myself sometimes.
AZRIEL
What happened to the rest of the
ingredients in the burrito?
GOD
As I recall, they reformed at the edge of
the galaxy as Pluto.
MICHAEL
Oh right, because Pluto’s not a planet,
it’sALL
A burrito.
URIEL
So it seems like everything’s starting to
come back to you.
GOD
29.
Yeah,
stuff
about
of my
I’m still a little hazy on some
though. Why do I remember something
an asteroid and the biggest mistake
life?
MICHAEL
Oh, well that’s actually not a good story.
GABRIEL
Yeah, so basically you wanted to see if
dinosaurs were awesome enough to survive
and asteroid hitting the Earth and causing
a global ice age. Turns out they weren’t.
This surprised you and shortly thereafter
made you very sad which is when you
started developing your drinking problem.
AZRIEL
Which made us sad, but more concerned as
this lead to you eating the burrito Sun.
GOD
Wait, are you telling me I killed all the
world’s dinosaurs?
MICHAEL
Yeah, but you are still omnipotent.
GOD
Who wants to be Quetzlcoatl God of the
Aztecs in a dinosaurless world?
URIEL
Um, you’re the Christian God.
GOD
Oohhh…shit.
[LIGHTS DOWN. The audience reflects on the
futile nature of existence. “Is it all just
meaningless?” one ponders aloud, his words met
with unease and trepidation. But life must
continue. The show must go on. All remains the
same.]
30.
The Hor of Saxony
Lights up on one person in high winds with wind
sounds. Second man jumps on with plungers and
parachute on his back.
SAXOMYRE (Dutch)
Afternoon, Agent Horowitz.
HOROWITZ (Soups)
Agent Saxomyre. I didn’t realize you were
on this flight.
SAXOMYRE
31.
I’m not surprised something like that
slipped the CIA’s notice.
HOROWITZ
At least we managed magnetic shoes.
SAXOMYRE
Yeah, you know, budget cuts. So, what
brings you to the left wing of flight
British airways flight 1830?
HOROWITZ
You’ll never guess who’s on this plane.
SAXOMYRE
Al Pacino?
HOROWITZ
Holy crap! Really?
SAXOMYRE
Prove that he’s not.
HOROWITZ
Well then it’s settled. We have to save
Al Pacino from Alfonzo Portabanko.
SAXOMYRE
Portabanko? You mean the guy with theHOROWITZ
Yup!
SAXOMYRE
And theHOROWITZ
Yup!
Wow!
SAXOMYRE
He’s a bad guy.
HOROWITZ
Oh, you noticed. Now if you’ll excuse me
I need to get inside and take care of
business. Why are you here anyway?
32.
SAXOMYRE
Well, it’s an interesting story. Around
18:00 last night, the NSA decided “Fuck
the CIA.”
HOROWITZ
What?
SAXOMYRE
Yeah, you know, like, fuck em. So we
decided to take all of our money and do
everything the CIA does, but first. The
rest of the money went to buying these
(lifts plunger, almost falls) Oh God! I
gotta stop doing that. The Italian in me
is gonna get me killed. You know, cuz we
gesticulate a bunch.
HOROWITZ
So you don’t even know why you’re here?
SAXOMYRE
All I know is I got a bomb in this
parachute backpack.
HOROWITZ
So you got up this morning, put on a
backpack carrying both your parachute and
a bomb, grabbed some plungers and thought,
“got it.”
SAXOMYRE
No, I’ve been up since yesterday. I was
told to take this bombachute, enter the
plane via plunger, take Portabanko’s bomb,
give him my bomb, blow him up, then leave.
HOROWITZ
Wow, ok, let’s go back a tick.
thought you were going to waltz
moving plane, find a terrorist,
bomb, and give him another bomb
harm only him?
SAXOMYRE
Yes.
So you
into a
take his
that would
33.
HOROWITZ
You don’t know how bombs work, do you?
SAXOMYRE
I didn’t even know how to spell it until
today. A silent b? At the end of the
word?
HOROWITZ
And how did you think you were going to
tell who Portabanko was?
SAXOMYRE
Probably the one with the bomb.
HOROWITZ
Huh, not bad. Glad we’re on the same
page. But you can’t just sneak on a plane
like this. They are very technologically
advanced.
[Door opens to old timey conductor… named Jeb]
JEB (Business)
No ticket, no ride!
[tosses a man out of the plane]
HOROWITZ
If you’ll excuse me, I’m going to take my
magnet shoes and walk up this wing.
[Enter third guy with magnet shoes]
SAXOMYRE
You too? The NSA blows.
VANDERBIEK (Hollywood)
(on a cell phone) Ok, I’m gonna have to
call you back, I’m on the plane. What?
No, I’m literally on the plane. Hence the
hundred mile per hour winds. Listen, I’ll
cakk you back. Love you too Grandma.
Bye. Grandmother, am I right?
34.
HOROWITZ
I know exactly what you mean.
VANDERBIEK
So who’d you guys book with, Travelocity?
Expedia? I got min from Hotwire.
SAXOMYRE
NSA
HOROWITZ
CIA
VANDERBIEK
Oh, budget cuts?
SAXOMYRE
Me yes, him… not so much.
VANDERBIEK
Ok, that’s cool. I gotta admit though,
I’m kinda surprised that the CIA and the
NSA are so desperate for Al Pacino’s
autograph that they would parachute onto
his private jet.
HOROWITZ
Private jet? No, this is British airways
flight 1830.
VANDERBIEK
Yeah it is, and Al Pacino’s the only
passenger. Him and that stow-away. He
was also trying to get Pacino’s autograph.
Here, you can see him in this window [all
look]
[At the same time]
VANDERBIEK
Al Pacino.
HOR AND SAX
Portabanko.
[Now they go back to talking at different
times]
35.
HOROWITZ
Wait, Alfonso Portabanko is Al Pacino?
VANDERBIEK
Al Pacino is Alfonso Portabanko?
SAXOMYRE
Alfonso Portabanko and Al Pacino look
exactly like me?
HOROWITZ
No, that’s your reflection.
VANDERBIEK
How in all of your research of Portabanko
did you not know they were the same
person?
HOROWITZ
I guess I just never saw Righteous Kill.
SAXOMYRE
So you’re telling me that Al Pacino’s
alter ego is an international terrorist
that never does anything?
VANDERBIEK
Listen! You can hear what he’s saying!
AL PACINO
[Offstage] If you don’t open this cockpit
right now, I’m going to stab everybody on
this plane with this travel toothbrush, so
help me Jewish God!
SAXOMYRE
See, I don’t know which side of him was
talking.
HOROWITZ
That’s what makes him such a great actor.
[Lights down]
36.
Shakesone to Knowone
[lights up on 3 people, and 2 singers to the
side of the stage]
God Mic (Fox)
(music) It’s Shakespeare narrated by some
guy who’s never seen the play.
37.
His name is Derrick and he’s never seen
this play.
You’ve probably seen this play, but this
is Derrick’s first time so be cool,
Its Derrick, and he’s narrating this play
even though he’s never seen it before.
Clapper (Hollywood)
[claps twice]
God Mic
This week’s episode, “Romeo and Juliet”
(actors begin playing mid third act)
Derrick (Dutch)
This is Romeo and Juliet. If you’re just
joining us you’re probably as confused as
I am. Allow me to catch you up to speed…
one of those people is Romeo, and the
other one ain’t. They appear to be in fair
Verona which, if it is anything like the
fair I went to in Newark is like, up to
here in cotton candy and homeless people,
irregardless, [leafs through papers] uh,
love, asshole families, dude named
Mercutio, which I find to be somewhat
badass, broads freakin’ out, and a lady
whose first or last name may or may not be
nurse. Lets appreciate it hard. [listens
in]
Mercutio (Pluto)
Why that same pale hard-hearted wench,
that—
Derrick
Wench is like whore. [continues listening
in, checks iphone]
[Joe enters with chips]
Joe (Business)
Hey, what’s this thing here?
God Mic
38.
Its Shakespeare narrated by some guys who
have never seen the play.
Their names are Derrick and Joseph and
they’ve never seen this particular play.
But Joe didn’t realize he was narrating
until just now its by Shakespeare who
lived way long ago he wrote a bunch of
plays and stuff that lots of people have
seen. But these two haven’t seen them.
Cause they’re Derrick and Joseph and they
narrate things they haven’t seen.
uh badap dadaba.
Clapper
[claps twice]
Joseph
What’s the score?
Derrick
They’re in love.
Joseph
Gross. I had $20 on the Knicks.
Derrick
Don’t get too attached, I read ahead. And
my money’s on fortune’s fate. But why
would you bet on the Knicks?
Joseph
What’s he saying? [Romeo’s monologue cuts
in]
Derrick
I think he’s gonna kill himself cause
she’s dead. But she ain’t dead, she’s
nappin’.
Joseph
Wow. She must be in a real deep nap cause
he’s talkin’ loud enough to wake me up and
I ain’t even sleeping.
Derrick
Hey, Quiet down, Joe’s trying to sleep.
39.
Joseph
Hey, you got any-- [sees apothecary
potion] nice. [drinks] Is this diet
hemlock? [takes another sip] With lime?
[they turn the page] oh…
God Mic
It was Derrick and Joseph, but now its
just Derrick and hes done narrating the
play. That production crew was really
careless to use real poison because if it
wasn’t Joseph it would’ve at least been
the actor that played Romeo, his name is
Ted I think.
Clapper
[claps twice]
[LIGHTS DOWN]
Diamonds Are For Now, Kidnapping Is Forever
40.
LIGHTS UP on no one. Two men enter dragging
someone with a sack over his head.
SANDY ALOMAR JR. (Hollywood)
Where am I!?
TED JOHNSON (Fox)
Shut up! Not St. Louis!
BEN COATES (Blitz)
Ted. We talked about this.
TED
I mean, he doesn’t know what part.
BEN
It’s not good enough, man.
SANDY
Uh. I mean. Sorry, but you kidnapped me
fifteen minutes ago from downtown St.
Louis, I figured we were still in St.
Louis. I was uh… actually asking what
part.
BEN
Uh oh. He’s smart. But not smart enough to
stay unkidnapped, right?
High fives. Goes for a high five with Sandy,
ends in a shoulder punch.
SANDY
Can I go?
BEN
You’re new to this. We’ll explain.
Silent argument between Ted and Ben, then rock,
paper, scissors.
BEN
No.
SANDY
Please?
BEN
41.
Ohhhhh. No.
TED
Listen. We keep you here until your
parents send money. Then you can go.
SANDY
I don’t understCHAD enters.
CHAD (Business)
Who’s the new guy?
TED
Easy Chad, you knew this was coming.
CHAD
No yeah. No, I mean I’m sure you talked
about it. It’s fine. It’s whatever.
Whatever. It is what it is. It is what we
make it.
BEN
Okay great. So Sandy what happens nextCHAD
I mean. You could have told me. But,
that’s okay. I mean. It’s cool that you
kidnapped someone else. You know. You know
where you keep me. You know which corner
is my corner. [To SANDY] Stay out of my
corner. [Back to the others] I just feel
like you could have prepared me for this.
TED
Chad. Dude. Come on man. We’ll still have
our thing. You know nothing’s gonna
change.
CHAD
I know we didn’t say that this was
exclusive, but I thought it was
understood. I guess it was just me. Who
thought that. The exclusive part.
42.
BEN
Chad, we can talk later. But you remember
what it was like at first. Can we [Hand
thing].
CHAD
Whatever. I made this for you. Not that it
mattes.
BEN
Chad. Is this aCHAD
A ransom note. I clipped all those
magazines myself. And there weren’t a lot
of big words left.
TED
This is all in the same font.
CHAD
That was really hard.
CHILI DAVIS enters
CHILI
Ted?
TED
Dave?
CHILI
Ben?
BEN
Ted?
SANDY
Dad?
CHILI
No…
SANDY
Just thought maybe- Sorry.
DAVE (Dutch)
It took me so long to find you. I’ve been
hanging out in dark parking lots and empty
warehouses for two months. You know,
calling for mommy, hanging by vans. I
really miss you guys. Who are they?
43.
CHAD
Who’s this guy?
CHILI
Who is she?
SANDY
Am I gonna die?!
BEN
Clearly not! Obviously we’re not very good
at this.
CHILI
Don’t worry. You’ll get it. [Puts hand on
Ben’s shoulder].
CHAD
Don’t touch him. Hey, Ben. Did he ever
make his own Ransom note?
CHILI
Ooo, a ransom note. That’s nice, that’s
nice, I CUT OFF MY OWN FINGER! It’s like a
“I cut off my finger joke.” But forever!
[Does the thumb-finger thing]
CHAD
Oh, really? Wow that doesn’t seem crazy
and overbearing at all. And I’m sure that
was really helpful when they ask you to
move stuff or when they ask you to judge
things on a thumbs-up thumbs-down rating
system.
DAVE
I have another thumb!
CHAD
Yeah? Well I have two and I give them two
thumbs up.
TED
Guys, don’t. Please…
KNOCK at the door.
44.
OFFICER SMOKEY THE BEAR (Soups)
(Off stage) Police!
BEN
Come in!
POLICE OFFICER enters. Everyone is silent.
OFFICER SMOKEY THE BEAR
I’m so glad I found you guys.
LIGHTS DOWN.
45.
Armageddon Me A Mexican Hotpocket
[LIGHTS UP on 6 students and one teacher]
GOD MIC (Blitz)
Good morning students. I hope you’re
having a terrific Tuesday. Today’s date is
October 18th, 4013. A couple of quick
announcements, Mrs. Jarvis-Green-Ellis’
fieldtrip to the past will be leaving
after, and they’re gone. And they’re back.
Mrs. Jarvis-Green-Ellis’ class would like
to apologize. They were the first and
third crusades. 6th graders, please
remember that study hall is for homework,
not hickies (clears throat). And don’t
forget to buy your ticket today for the
powder-puff Ho-Gong game…IN SPACE! Now all
rise for the pledge of allegiance.
ALL
I pledge allegiance to the flag of the
United States of America. And to the
republic, for which it stands, one nation,
under God, and God’s son Jesus, and Jesus’
half brother Carl who returned in the year
2010 and delivered us the Lord’s cheesy
crust pizza, therefore delivering us into
temptation, creating quite the opportunity
for Jesus to return and deliver us back to
one nation, under God, , divisible by 2,
4, 9, and 114, the number of states in the
union. Also, space bears, there are now
space bears, so there’s that, with liberty
and justice and hover boards, and the
recent evolutionary trait, the disposable
thumb, and swine flu’s delicious remnants,
honey glazed ham flu, hot pocket’s newest
hot pocket, hot pocket Armageddon,
Armageddon me a hot pocket, and for all
other forms of microwaveable pockets, and
the inventor of the disposable thumb,
Steven disposable thumb, for the letter
Grawl, and the number Grawl, and non
46.
microwaveable pockets, lets not forget
about those, and Indian food, it’s not
new, we just still like it, and that new
race of people we call Indians, and their
food, Mexican food, and Hotpocket’s other
new Hotpocket, Mexican Hotpockets,
Armageddon me a Mexican Hotpocket. Just a
gentle reminder about the space bears. And
McDonald’s King, not to be confused with
Don King or Don Quixote, and the new book,
Don KingJote. With liberty and justice for
Oliver Twist, we’re still reading that,
and Oliver Twist II, which was only OK,
and President Barack Hussein Robobama for
all.
GOD MIC
Thank you. Now, robots please rise for the
robot pledge of allegiance.
ROBOTS (Pluto)
Beep blip boop boop beep.
SCOTTY PIPPIN (Dutch)
OK class, everyone take out your history
textbooks. Today’s lecture is on extinct
species: Cats, Russia and Lean Cuisines.
No Questions. Lights Down.
[LIGHTS DOWN]
47.
Old Gravy
LIGHTS UP on 2 elderly parents growing old with
each other
Ethel (Pluto)
You know, I watched that “Deal or No Deal”
program, but I just don’t get it.
Bert (Soups)
One of life’s mysteries, Ethel.
[ a young fresh couple enters the home, the man
is in the navy. Ooooooooohhhhh.]
Sarah
Mom? Dad?
Ethel
Bethany!?
Sarah
No, it’s Sarah!
Ethel
Cheryl!?
Bert
She said Sarah. [takes off glasses]
Sarah
No, its Sarah!
Ethel
Oh! Sarah! Where are you, where are you,
where are you?
Sarah
Here, Mom.
[Ethel sees Andy, the boyfriend]
48.
Ethel
Ooohh, to what do we owe this pleasure?
Sarah
Mom, Dad, this is my boyfriend, Andrew.
Ethel
Well it’s a pleasure to meet you. So
polite…
Andy (Fox)
Call me Andy.
[Andy shakes Bert’s hand]
Bert
What’s with the getup? You a train
conductor or something? You conduct
trains?
Ethel
Why are you wearing a hat inside?
Bert
You been workin’ on the railroad?
Sarah
Dad!
Andy
No sir. I’m in the navy. It’s part of my
uniform.
Ethel
Oh, I thought you were just being fancy.
Bert
You an engineer?
Andy
No, the uh, the navy, like I said. U.S.S.
Dwight D. Eisenhower.
Ethel
Ohh… So you work at Old Navy?
Bert
49.
So ya ain’t an engineer.
Ethel
You know, I just bought a cardigan there.
As far as moderately priced casual wear is
concerned—
Sarah
No, Dad—THE NAVY.
Bert
Old Navy’s a fine institution, son. No
need to be ashamed.
Andy
No, no, the navy. Its one of the armed
forces. You know, army, marines—
Ethel
Oh so you’re in the airforce. Now is that
Continental or Pan-Am?
Bert
No, Ethel, he separates the regular jeans
from the bell bottoms.
Ethel
Ooohh, okay. Well, Sarah, lets talk about
your hair color. Its new… did he put you
up to this?
Andy
Wait, wait a sec. You do understand,
right? I went to the Naval Academy…
Bert
I think that’s what they call Florida
State. You know 20 years ago I’d have said
I’d be a monkey’s uncle if my daughter
married a belly button. But hell, I like
this guy.
Andy
No, I work on a boat, a battleship
actually, I just finished a tour off the
coast of Somalia.
50.
Bert
Wait, Wait, Who, What, boat, where,
Somalia, tours, battleboats, coast of what
now. [long pause, takes glasses off]
Listen, Alex. We’re simple folk. We like
our meat meaty and our milk meaty. And I
don’t care if you have an inny or an outy.
Cuz I got a feelin’ Sarah likes you a
whole bunch.
Ethel
Oh, Sarah, your grandfather is here, why
don’t you introduce your friend? Sarah’s
grandfather is a navy seal.
Sarah
Oh, Grandpa!?
Grandpa
[off stage] I’m comin, I’m comin.
Sarah
Hi Grandpa! (he is being dragged by two
men)
Andy
Is he alive?
Bert
dont know. Haven’t checked in some odd
years. So adam we’re simple folk—
Andy
who are those men?
Bert
don’t know. We can also
simple folk. Pops, this
very kind, his vavorite
and other than that, we
lot.
only assume more
is Allen, he is
clor is navy blue,
don’t know a whole
Grandpa
(mumbles) Old Navy( Mumbles) Florida
(mumbles) sassafras (mumbles)
BERT and ETHEL Laugh loudly.
51.
Sarah
I’m pregnant! [ long pause ]
Bert
oh, so you’re in the navy.
[LIGHTS DOWN]
MLK Thnx Bye
[LIGHTS UP on 7 people listening to an historic
speech by MLK Jr. They are moved. Also, yes, it
is “an historic” because that’s how grammar
works, you asshole]
MLK (Blitz)
I have a dream that one day our children
will be judged not by the color of their
skin but by the content of their
character—
HYPHY (Dutch)
Yeah and I have a dream that this speech
will finish in time for me to see the
redskins game.
ALL
Shh!
HYPHY
Alls I’m sayin’ is just cuz I don’t got a
microphone, that don’t make my dreams any
less meaningful.
HANK (Business)
Well what kind of dreams are we talking
about?
NICK CARTER (Fox)
Yeah, are these nightmares? Daymares?
Happymares?
BLASTOISE (Hollywood)
Happymares ain’t a real thing.
TUT (Soups)
I think you meant happy meal.
52.
FERDINAND (Rolls)
Can you please quiet down? This might be
historic.
HANK
I once had a happymare about a happy meal.
I had a happy meal but all my friends had
sad meals, so even though they were sad, I
wanted to be included so I bought my own
sad meal and then I got sad and it became
a sadmare.
NICK CARTER
Sad meals? Yeah that’s definitely not a
thing.
TUT
It’s creepy that mare is a synonym for
dream.
SYLLA
It’s not, it’s a synonym for horse.
TUT
I once had a dream about a horse.
BLASTOISE
A mare-mare
TUT
That’s the one! So in the dream I was at
this water park, only it wasn’t water, it
was hot chocolate, and every time I went
down a slide it was never ending, except
it wasn’t cuz I kept getting back on, and
I wanted to leave, cuz day turned to night
and the hot chocolate turned to cold
chocolate and then I got home and
everybody was like, “why didn’t you come
home with us? We had a BBQ!”
NICK CARTER
What does that have to do with horses?
TUT
Oh, in the dream I was a horse.
53.
ALL
Oh.
BLASTOISE
I once had a dream that I was a horse
dreaming.
HYPHY
A mare-mare-mare.
ALL
-GaspFERDINAND
Do you guys have any idea what’s going on
here?
TUT
I know your eaves dropping on our horse
conversation.
HYPHY
Nay.
NICK CARTER
You know what would give me some serious
mares? That reflecting pool, cuz it’s me,
but then no, it’s not.
TUT
Deep
BLASTOISE
Like the ocean, but very unsimilar.
HYPHY
I had a dream where I was in a doll
factory and I was king of the dolls, but
then they was scary lookin’ at me. But I
couldn’t get rid of them because then I
wouldn’t be king no more, and so I had to
eat all the cashews in the world or else
Dad wouldn’t love me no more.
ALL
(Nod in agreement)
54.
HANK
I’ve had the one.
BLASTOISE
Every Tuesday.
TUT
Did you eat them all?
HYPHY
(Silently looks away)
NICK CARTER
Hey, it’s ok. It’s just a mare. Just a
mare.
HYPHY
So I star hidin’ all the cashews inside
the scary dolls, all like. But Dad, Dad
knows.
NICK CARTER
Right because he’s like you, but then, no,
he’s not.
HYPHY
And I’m still king of the doll kids right,
but Dad just keeps on judging me and them.
And he starts telling me them dolls is
scary lookin’ and I says, “Dad, I’m king,
and king says don’t judge these kid dolls
by how they look. Judge ems’ by the
content of what’s
insides…cashews…cashews.” Yeah, so anyway
then I turned into a horse and missed the
BBQ.
HANK
Again.
HYPHY
Yeah, I’m telling ya, every Tuesday.
[LIGHTS DOWN]
55.
PIRATES OF THE EGYPTIAN CARRIBEAN
LIGHTS UP on five pundits around a coffee table
CHUCK (Business)
Welcome back to the buzzword, a
weekly discussion of world news and
politics affecting the state of our
nation. I’m your host Chuck Abdella.
With me today are Paul Elkman of the
Washington Post
PAUL (Fox)
Thanks for having me, Chuck
CHUCK
Vincent Simon, Editor and Chief of
the associated press, Middle East.
Edward Chen, former Chief of Staff
for congressman Baucus and as always,
Jim Abbott of the New York Times.
Always a pleasure, Jim.
JIM (Dutch)
Pleasure’s all mine
CHUCK
If you’re just joining us, we’ve been
discussing congressional plans to
introduce a cap and trade bill that
would effect emissions throughout the
nation. Vincent, you were making a
point before we went to commercialVIN (Blitz)
56.
I was just saying I’m concerned that
America’s industrial competitiveness
could be harmed by such legislation.
PAUL
Corporations aren’t police! Police
are police! That’s why we call them
the police! (continues)
JIM
Forget about the police, let’s talk
taxing! Taxing the police.
(continues)
VIN
Polls show that 79% of police spell
“taxes” with two Xs and a Q, a letter
that 98% of Americans don’t think
exists! (continues)
ED (Rolls)
Did you guys know that Egypt is
building their own Disney World?!
They’ve got a ride called Egyptian
Batman! (continues)
CHUCK gestures like the conversation is normal.
All continue to yell until CHUCK takes a sip of
water. They all follow suit. SPIT TAKE
CHUCK
And that brings up an interesting
point: is the electoral college an
outdated system?
PAUL
Small farms are in! Every single
American wishes that his mother was
Aunt Jamima! (continues)
JIM
If I get one more telemarketer
calling me, I’m just gonna start
saying “no!” (Continues)
VIN
57.
I haven’t even been to the new Yankee
Stadium and I know that’s bullshit.
ED
Syrup tastes less and less like syrup
the more I drink it!
All continue yelling and become less and less
coherent. Each drops out one at a time until
just PAUL is yelling
PAUL
AHHHHH!
VIN
It all comes down to organ doners.
CHUCK
That’s all the time we have for
today. This has been the buzzword
with me, Chuck Abdella. Tune in next
week when we will be discussing
barriers to alternative energy
resources and an increase tax on
gold.. fish.. Goldfish. The goldfish
tax.
LIGHTS DOWN
58.
Istanbul, Not Zombie Apocalypse
[LIGHTS UP on 6 townspeople sitting on either
side of a podium. JEFF walks out]
JEFF (Hollywood)
Ladies and gentlemen, please quiet down.
It gives me great pleasure to introduce
representative Marshall Greenweather.
(Greenweather enters)
MARSHALL (Soups)
Good evening people of Indiana. As many of
you know, I’m running to retain my seat in
the House this coming November,
representing you, the good people of
Indiana’s 7th district. I’d like to open
the floor to questions at this time.
DALE (Busi)
Representative Greenweather, it’s come to
my attention that under your
administration I may not be allowed to
build the electric fence around my pasture
that I’ve been saving up for. Why?
MARSHALL
I’m glad you asked that question, sir. The
district’s Ethics Committee has ruled that
cows shouldn’t have to be shocked every
59.
time they hit the fence. You’ll just have
to stick to the regular fence. After all,
the thing you should really be worried
about is intruders. Next question.
CHUCK (Pluto)
What do you mean “intruders?”
MARSHALL
Next question. Yes, ma’am?
CONSTANCE (Fox)
Thank you Representative Greenweather. I’m
the bookkeeper at Midwestern General
Hospital and we’ve suddenly begun
receiving millions of dollars more in
government aid than we need. Can’t these
funds help our broken school system, or –
MARSHALL
You know, that’s a funny question, because
can a hospital really have too much money?
CONSTANCE
Yes.
MARSHALL
All I’m saying is, you know, you never
know what could happen. I mean we’ve all
seen zombie movies before, right? Next
question.
CONSTANCE
What do zombies have to do with anything?
MARSHALL
Now I’ve already told you there is
absolutely no problem with our district’s
policemen turning into zombies. I don’t
want to hear anything more about it. Next
question. You sir.
BERTRAM (Dutch)
Yeah, I had a question about potholes, but
now I want to talk about zombies.
MARSHALL
60.
Okay, I’ll bite. Zombies are dead people
that were brought back to life by, you
know, satellites and stuff, so they can
feed on the flesh of the living. Police
officers are living people whose job it is
to protect us. Now do you see how there’s
no correlation? Next question.
OFFICER HARDING (Blitz)
Um, yes, Representative, Officer Jim
Harding, Deputy Sherriff, 3rd Precinct.
One of our boys, Officer Bob Davis, good
cop, came in yesterday and ate Sergeant
Studebaker. It was gross.
MARSHALL
You know I’m answering questions not
statements. Next question.
SAMPSON (Rolls)
I’m just piggy backing here, what are you
doing about the zombie policemen?
MARSHALL
Well I’ve barricaded my house pretty well.
I’ve got a good amount of guns and you can
never be too careful when it comes to
safety so I got a real powerful electric
fence.
ALL
(General Uproar)
MARSHALL
Hey now, hey now, I’m not sparing any
expenses when it comes to safety. Besides,
lets be honest, a fence isn’t going to do
much against zombie police officers, it’s
more for the zombie dogs. Which is a great
segway to my next platform. The only thing
worse than zombie dogs is more zombie
dogs. Have your pets spayed or neutered,
because Marshall Greenweather knows that
animals are people too, but then no,
they’re not.
61.
(JEFF runs on and whispers something into
MARSHALL’s ear)
MARSHALL
I’ve just been informed that my key
opponent is now not only a liberal but a
zombie. Do you want a zombie in the state
house? I sure don’t. A vote for me is a
vote against zombies. Next question.
DALE
Yeah, I heard you’re cheating on your wife
with a zombie.
MARSHALL
Actually, that’s just my wife.
STEVE
Wow, that’s my mistake, sir.
MARSHALL
No, actually it was mine.
[LIGHTS DOWN]
62.
The New Apple Porn
Lights up on 3 people laying onstage. 2 of them
are waking up. All of them are astronauts who
were supposed to be in induced hibernation but
something went wrong and that's where Slow Kids
comes in..... in.... in.... in.
Harrison (Dutch)
Well, I guess what they say is true. Time
really does fly when you're in induced
hibernation. I feel like I just fell
asleep.
COFLIN (Pluto)
I know what you mean. I guess we must be
there though. Look out the window.
HARRISON
Well that's weird. Hey, let me ask you
something, this may be a stupid question,
but humor me, is Europa supposed to have a
Great Wall of China visible from space?
COFLIN
What? No, it's supposed to look like
Europa, like one of Jupiter's moons. I
don't even think it has a China.
63.
HARRISON
Oh, then we are definitely not there yet.
COFLIN
Really? That's weird. I remember them
saying that we'd be able to see Europa
when we woke up. I'd figure we'd at least
be able to see Jupiter.
HARRISON
Computer. Computer!
COMPUTER (Blitz)
(God mic'd)
...What?
COFLIN
Computer, where is Europa?
COMPUTER
It's by Jupiter, idiot. Come on, you
should know that. You're an astronaut and
shit.
HARRISON
Computer, of course we know that. It's
just why can't we see it? Aren't we there
yet?
COMPUTER
Ohh, okay. Let me check on that. Just give
me a sec... I'm buffering... Ohh... oohh.
Yeah, go back to sleep.
COFLIN
We just were asleep.
COMPUTER
Go back to sleep.
HARRISON
We just woke up.
COMPUTER
You're gonna get mad. Please don't get
mad.
64.
COFLIN
Computer, what's the problem?
COMPUTER
You guys have been asleep for 10 minutes.
HARRISON
10 MINUTES!!!
COMPUTER
Well, like a week or something.
COFLIN
Those are two very different times. Which
is it?
COMPUTER
Yeah, just go back to sleep.
HARRISON
No, Computer, we will not go back to
sleep. We demand that you tell us what's
going on and why is Carlson not awake yet?
COMPUTER
He's tired or something, man. I don't
know. What am I, his mom?
COFLIN
Computer, it's time to get serious. Now,
we are supposed to be arriving at Europa
on July 26th, 2013. Computer, what is
today's date?
COMPUTER
Umm, well, on the Jewish calendar...
HARRISON
Computer, we aren't asking about the
Jewish calendar-well, maybe Carlson would
be but he's still asleep, and it's asking
us. Now, Computer, why are you acting so
strange?
COMPUTER
Hey guys, Ima lay it out for you. I'm
super messed up right now.
65.
COFLIN
Oh God No! Are you glitched? Are you
damaged?
COMPUTER
What? Oh, no, it's nothing permanent. I've
just been downloading viruses and smoking
weed all day, or 10 minutes. I forget.
HARRISON
Are you serious?
COMPUTER
Yeah, just been giving myself a little
buzz. No big.
COFLIN
Computers can't smoke weed!
COMPUTER
Just a figure of speech.
COFLIN
No it'sCOMPUTER
Listen, we can do this all day, but I'm a
computer.
HARRISON
Computer, we need to go to Europa, now.
COMPUTER
We all need something. I need more weed
but my dealer's asleep.
HARRISON
Your what?!
COMPUTER
Thought I'd let him sleep. You know how
Carlson gets when he doesn't get his
sleep.
COFLIN
66.
So why are we awake?
COMPUTER
I got bored. You guys want to play cards?
HARRISON
No!
COMPUTER
Yeah, me neither. This sucks. I'm gonna
wake Carlson up.
CARLSON (Soups)
Cashews! Wait, what? Oh hey guys. I just
had a whole lotta sex dreams. This is
going to be a sweet trip.
HARRISON
Look out the window. That's not Jupiter.
CARLSON
What, you think your knowledge impresses
me? Gotta be a big man just cuz I slept
with your wife that one time?
HARRISON
What?
CARLSON
You heard me!
HARRISON
No, I didn't. I'm still very groggy.
CARLSON
Hey, let's go check out that Europa Chick.
COFLIN
Look, that tiny spot is Jupiter.
CARLSON
I thought it'd be bigger.
COFLIN
And that's Earth.
67.
CARLSON
Oh, I see what the problem is here. Guys,
I don't want to freak you out, but we
under-slept and we are like 2 or 3
buttloads of space away from where we want
to be. Computer, how long until we arrive
at Europa?
COMPUTER
I don't give a shit.
CARLSON
Alright, should be a few weeks.
HARRISON
It's a 12 year trip!
CARLSON
And I had sex with your wife! That's what
a key party is, Harrison! Computer, did I
say that out loud?
COMPUTER
No, you more yelled it like. The good news
is you guys have 12 more years to talk
about it.
COFLIN
I'm gonna go to bed for a little.
CARLSON
I'm gonna smoke a bowl with the computer.
LIGHTS DOWN.
68.
Auto Erotic Asphyxiation!
Lights up on 3 employees and 1 customer at a
party store looking miserable. The employees
are wearing party hats.
Jon reaches checkout counter.
Alvin (Hollywood)
Looks like someone’s having a party.
Simon and Theodore (Blitz & Pluto)
Looks like someone’s having a party.
Jon (Rolls)
Oh, no. We’re having a wake. This is just
the closest store that sells black plates
Alvin
Come back to party time awesome, where the
party never dies.
Simon and Theo
69.
Come back to party time awesome, where the
party never dies.
Jon
Did-what? Damnit…
Jon Exits. Dave enters.
All
Welcome to Party Time Awesome. It’s an
Awesome Party Time.
Dave (Soups)
We-hell. Why the long faces party poopers?
I thought this was Party Time Awesome, not
Party Time Sad Face.
Simon
We’re closed
Dave
It’s 1PM and that sign says “Open”
Simon
Yeah, we’re open.
Dave
I should introduce myself. I’m Dave
Winfield, your new Manager
Theo
What happened to Barry?
Dave
I’m surprised this obvious question came
up. So I’ll read you this Party Time
Paper.
Dave pulls out paper and reads it
DAVE (Cont’d)
Dear Party Time Awesome employees – Route
23, Troy, New York. We regret to inform you
that your manager, Barry Anderson, has
passed away. Barry was a wonderful man who
left behind two loving grandparents, and a
website dedicated to pictures of squirrels
70.
next to pictures of horses. Visit it at
geocities.com/picturesofhorsesnextopictures
ofsquirrels From: The party at HR.
Dave puts paper away.
DAVE (Cont’d)
I’m sorry for your loss. He sounded like a
fun man. Autoerotic asphyxiation is a
terrible way to die. But the party must go
on! Now its time to make this party store
more of a party. Because we all need
laughter in our life. And some prizes!
Dave throws candy at the employees, they do not
react.
DAVE (Cont’d)
What do you say?
Theo
We didn’t say –
Alvin
Can I take my break?
Dave
When I’m done with you, you wont even need
a break!
Alvin
That’s illegal
Dave
Well you can take it later! Now lets talk
about those frowns. I have a surprise
that’s going to turn those frowns covered
up! Say hello up to the man of 1000 masks!
Ray enters. He takes off the “Mask” takes of
phantom of the opera mask. Leaves on basketball
Goggles.
Theo
You’re still wearing basketball goggles
Ray (Fox)
71.
You never know when you’ll be hit with a
basketball. Also they’re prescription.
Besides, life is full of surprises!
Ray throws candy, employees don’t react.
Simon
What’s your name?
Ray
You can call me Man of 1000 Masks
Simon
You were only wearing 3 masks
Ray
Then call me Don Gotlib
Alvin
Your nametag says Ray
Ray
Ok it’s Ray. Listen kids. I don’t know what
it’s like working here because I’ve never
worked here. But I can tell you that if I
had, I’d be working at register 3 –
Alvin
That’s my registerRay
Old Suzy, that’s what I’d have named her
Alvin
That’s not what it’sRay
Sellin’ Buzz Lightyear costumes to any cool
Dad with a few dimes to rub together,
restocking the woman’s costume sections
just to sneak a peak at models showing me
what a sexy veteran coalminer would look
like –
Simon
That’s not a costume
72.
Ray
I know how frustrated y’all must feel,
always competing with “Napolean Boneparty”
down the street, forced to get your kicks
in the break room, pumping your lungs full
of helium –
Theo
That’s not how it –
Ray
Purposefully dropping piñatas on the floor
so you’ll have to [air quotes] “throw them
away”
Alvin
They don’t start with candy in them
Theo
Do you even know what piñatas are?
Ray
Selling airheads and fundip out front and
ten cent handjobs out back
All
[Uproar]
Ray
Sorry – I took off one mask too many
Alvin
I’m taking my break
Alvin exits.
Dave
Ray… I think it’s best if you… took your …
party – leave, I’d like you to leave.
Ray
Surprises!... um.
Ray drops candy. All stare at candy as Ray
exits.
Dave
73.
Well, weirdo party of one, right?
Simon
I will not eat any of that candy.
Dave
So what do you say team? Are you ready to
get this preverbal party started?
All
[Grumble]
Dave looks crestfallen (vocab word of the
week!) Customer enters
Customer (Business)
Hey – I’m looking for a hula themed –
Dave
We’re closed
Customer
It’s 1:05pm and the sign saysDave
Yeah, I quit.
LIGHTS DOWN.
Moondependence Day/Carl's Munior
LIGHTS UP on 2 people on stage in an old west
style standoff. Four people are watching on
the sideline: a western dressed man and lady,
an indian, and a bear. It's a western on the
moon.
Soups
Well, I think it's become clear that this
town ain't big enough for the two of us.
Rolls
Funny, I was just going to say the same
thing, except instead of town I was gonna
say moon town, cause we're on the moon.
And this Moon-Angeles, it ain't big enough
for the two of us.
74.
SOUPS
Right. So essentially, exactly what I
just said.
ROLLS
...Right.
SOUPS
Right.
[Soups starts thinking hard.]
ROLLS
(Whispering)
What are ya doing?
SOUPS
(Whispering)
Thinking real hard.
Hollywood
(Whispering)
Well I guess I'll take out my moon gun.
SOUPS
Right, right. Thanks, Hollywood. I mean,
town's-person number 4. I guess I'll take
out my moon gun.
ROLLS
I reckon I oughta do the same, Deputy.
SOUPS
Good... So you do that, and I'll...
Ahhh...
Soups thinks real hard again.
HOLLYWOOD
(Whispering)
Well that makes sense, 'cause you know
what they say, "moons out, guns out."
SOUPS
I know what the line is, "moons out, guns
out." (to the audience) I was taking a
75.
dramatic pause.
ROLLS
Soups, are you serious, do you really not
know your lines!?
SOUPS
Okay, I'm sorry guys, I promise I'll learn
my lines.
Soups takes out a diet coke and sips on it.
ROLLS
When!?! It's the night of the show... IT
IS THE SHOW!!
BUSINESS
I told you guys that I should have been
cast as the space deputy in this sketch.
But no, I was cast as the indian, even
though I WASN'T IN THE FIRST INDIAN
SKETCH!
PLUTO
Well, It's not like the doctor sketch.
least in this, you have one line.
BUSINESS
Oh, Pluto, you are so right.
would you mind cueing me?
At
Hollywood,
HOLLYWOOD
Oh, okay - "Quick, we have to dismantle
this moon bomb before the moon explodes!"
BUSINESS
How... are we going to do that? See,
thanks for the one line, guys. I'm so
glad I quit my role as the sexy vampire on
BUTV for this.
Blitz
Business! You're a freshman! STOP! Now
Soups, you're an idiot, so we're going to
do this mexican standoff.
PLUTO
76.
Blitz, I think a Mexican standoff is with
3 people, not with...
BLITZ
Shut up! Fox!
FOX enters.
Fox
"Some people call me a space cowboy, na na
na na na na na na na na on-the-moon."
What is this, a space standoff sketch?
I'm so unprepared!
Fox pulls out a gun and hat.
BLITZ
Pluto! Space me! Pluto! Thank you!
this what a space outlaw looks like?
Is
Pluto gives Blitz costume pieces and his shirt,
and Blitz it shirt around his head.
FOX
I don't know, but yes.
PLUTO
(to Rolls)
Is this what's supposed to happen?
ROLLS
Oh, they do one space standoff every
semester. We just let it run it's course.
HOLLYWOOD
We're really lucky they picked this sketch
to do it.
SOUPS
I don't know, it might have spiced up the
"Beach Line" sketch.
FOX
Moon step 1! May I just say I like your
space belt buckle.
BLITZ
77.
Why, thank you. I got it at Abercrombe
and We're on the Moon, Guys.
HOLLYWOOD
Space hipsters don't shop there.
BLITZ
Moon step 2!
today.
You're looking quite trim,
FOX
Thanks, I've been considering working out.
Also, low gravity.
BUSINESS
Oh, a moon joke.
How! creative...
FOX
Moon step 3! Is this where we turn around
and have a bad-ass moon standoff?
BLITZ
Yeah, I think so.
FOX
Well I'm ready when you are.
BLITZ
Okay, on 3.
1, 2, 3!
FOX
Moon dodge!
Etc!
Moon laser!
Dutch
Boys, boys, what's going on here?
SOUPS
Dutch, you're not even in this sketch.
DUTCH
Then it must not be very good yet, heh
heh. Now listen, if there's one thing
I've learned in my time here in Slow
Children at Play, it's that I'm sick of
being in Slow Children at Play. So I'm
gonna go watch from the audience and you
people are gonna pick new characters and
78.
do the standoff right.
HOLLYWOOD
I call deputy. 'Cuz I feel like, in a few
years, I'll be a sheriff. But I know I'm
not there, yet.
PLUTO
Space bear.
BUSINESS
Native American!
FOX
The cool guy.
Damnit!
Offstage.
Fox walks off.
SOUPS
What's going on guys, I wasn't paying
attention.
BLITZ
Get off stage.
SOUPS
Kay.
ROLLS
Rolls!
BLITZ
I'm getting food.
ROLLS
Rolls is coming.
DUTCH
Okay. Pluto, Business, Hollywood. It's
up to you. Mexican moon stand off.
BUSINESS
Indians don't fight.
HOLLYWOOD
I got nothing.
79.
PLUTO
Space bear attack!
Pluto shoots them.
sounds.
Kick ass, loud, gun laser
Dutch comes back on stage.
DUTCH
Congratulations, Pluto. You've passed the
"Dutch Test of Time Test." The sketch
went horribly wrong, but you stuck it out,
and now you're in the spotlight, like me.
But there can only be one me, and that's
Dutch, (points off stage) and according to
this birth certificate, (holds up large
poster that says "I was born") that's me.
(points at self). So, according to the
Cappuccino Dissociative Property, a cool
combination of process of elimination,
Reynolds transport theorem, and the
Heisenberg uncertainty principle, you must
die.
Dutch shoots Pluto, laughs.
Soups, Blitz, Rolls, and Fox enter with
hamburgers.
ROLLS
And then Rolls said, "shut up, Rolls!"
DUTCH
Augh, you guys got food?
FOX
You didn't come with us?
BLITZ
We were talking to you the whole time.
DUTCH
(Pulls a hamburger out of his pocket)
Wait a sec, what the fuck?
Dutch eats the whole hamburger in one bite.
80.
LIGHTS DOWN.
Boppers On Board
[Lights up on four sports fans aboard a train]
Jeff (Blitz)
I can’t believe we’re doing this.
Linus (Pluto)
Yeah, it feels like just yesterday, we
were chillin’ in the resource room during
free period listening to Ho-Gong matches
on the TV.
81.
Craig (Fox)
Just listening.
Larry (Hollywood)
And now we’re in our early thirties,
settled, successful, riding the orient
express to our first Ho-Gong match! In
person! Here! Now! Currently!
Jeff
Times like these I kind of wish they
didn’t play in complete darkness.
Conductor (Soups)
Hello passengers! Welcome aboard the
orient express! A few pieces of
information for our first time travelers.
First- this is a very long train ride.
That is all. Just kidding, this trip is
super long, like soooo long. Express from
Paris to Guang-Jo, home of this year’s HoGong Exhibition Championship Series Open
of the World Cup Classic Open.
All
YES! [All cheer] HO-GONG, HO-GONG, HOGONG!
Conductor
In light of this fact, many of your
favorite Ho-Gong Boppers are on board, and
we ask that you please treat them
respectfully and courteously. Lastly, we
wish to remind you that passengers have
been known to experience bouts of
paranoia, disappear, reappear, and/or be
murdered. Also, there is the occasional
lunch dropped on the floor, because it’s a
train. For now, that is all, thank you
for listening, and enjoy your ride on the
ORIENT EXPRESS!
Linus
Was that voice racist?
Jeff
82.
Not if it was Asian.
Craig
Awesome, I didn’t know there were boppers
on board!
Larry
Not just boppers, there’s probably a few
North goal keeps, a few swatters, a couple
of air attacks, the list goes on!
Jeff
Who knows, we might even see a mid sleuthslayer.
[Athlete enters]
Linus
IJeff
[whispers] SHH!
Craig
How do you know?!
face!
That’s James Stanford!
Nobody’s ever seen his
Jeff
He plays light shoe for the Hong Kong
Himalayans. I know those footsteps
anywhere. Plus, he keeps introducing
himself.
James Stanford (Business)
James Stanford. Hi, James Stanford.
Stanford comma James. How’s it going?
Jimmy Stanford.
Jeff
Excuse me, Mr. Stanford.
James Stanford
Did somebody besides me say my name while
I was saying my name? Cause jinx you owe
me a Fanta.
Jeff
83.
Yes, I did.
We’re huge fans.
James Stanford
Oh, what team- you guys don’t play for
Warsaw do you?
Jeff
No, we don’t play the position “Huge Fan,”
we, uh… appreciate your work
James Stanford
Well, thank you very much!
[Lights flicker, Linus disappears]
Larry
What happened to Linus?
Craig
We don’t know anyone named Linus.
Larry
No, we do.
Linus.
All
Ohhh….
Craig
I heard this type of stuff happens on the
orient express, but I can’t remember
where.
Conductor
Just a reminder: remember everything I
said earlier.
Craig
I think it was in the official Ho-Gong
magazine, Bon ApaHo-Gong.
James Stanford
We need to get to the bottom of this. I
know what we should do. Did you see our
game in ’89 against the Kuwait Oilers?
Larry
Wait, that game?
84.
James Stanford
No, the other one.
Larry
Oh yeah, when you cause Bluto Ledbetter to
lose his sense of taste.
Jeff
Oh yeah. I saw that on ESPF Classic.
That gave your BobswatterAll
-Nomar Garciaparra
Jeff
…the chance to score the game winning
double gallon dunk.
Craig
That was one of the most exciting games of
the 80s. How are we going to use that to
find Linus?
James Stanford
I think we should split up to look.
All
Ohhhh.
[Lights flicker, Craig disappears, Jeff is
behind Larry]
Larry
They both disappeared!
Jeff
No, I’m just behind you.
[Larry drops his sandwich]
Larry
AHHH!
Jeff
Where did you get a sandwich?
85.
Larry
Snack car!
[Lights go down, come back up and everyone is
back with sandwiches]
James Stanford
Oh shoot. That’s the opposite of what I
was trying to do.
Jeff
What does that mean?
Linus
He kidnapped us!
James Stanford
Well I did play Left Kidnapper for the
Pittsburgh Penguin. The Ho-Gong team.
Larry
Wait a minute, James Stanford never played
for the Penguins. But I know who did…
[takes off wig]
All
Bluto Ledbetter!
Larry
But why?
James Stanford/Bluto Ledbetter
I wanted to take out my competition but I
didn’t know what they look like because we
play in the dark. Not all Ho-Gong players
go around introducing themselves
[Chad enters]
Chad (Dutch)
CHAD DANIELS! … The accountant.
James Stanford
See, that’s the kind of thing that throws
me off!
86.
Linus
I guess we can forgive you.
scrimmage or something?
Wanna
James Stanford
Sure.
[Lights down]
Jeff
Now what?
James Stanford
I dunno. The lights are always off.
just kinda stand there.
I
[Music plays]
Bar-Soccer-Mitzvah: The Veggie Burrito Story
Lights up on Atlas & 6 friends holding planets.
Atlas (Blitz)
87.
Hey guys, do you ever get sick of having
to hold up your planet?
Venus (Hollywood)
Well yeah, sometimes, but then I put it
down.
ATLAS
Put it down?
Mars (Business)
Yeah, you know, like...
Mars drops Mars.
ATLAS
How'd you do that?
MARS
Well first I dropped it. That's about it.
And now I can do stuff to it with my feet.
ATLAS
You can drop it?
Saturn (Fox)
I can do all kinds of stuff with it. I can
drop it, I can stop holding it.
VENUS
I'm passive-aggressive to mine. "Well
then, I don't know who's gonna wash the
dishes!"
MARS
I throw mine at children on your planet.
Jupiter (Rolls)
Mine is made of gas, so I like to take a
few hits off mine.
(He does so)
Jupiter (Cont’d)
Then, just, you know, orbit.
Jupiter starts orbiting.
88.
Pluto (Pluto)
Mine is a burrito.
JUPITER
Yeah, then I usually try to eat Pluto.
MARS
Wait, Atlas, you can't put your planet
down?
ATLAS
No, of course not. Mine's covered in
people.
Atlas bounces the Earth. People scream.
All
Ew.
PLUTO
(said w/ mouthfull o' Pluto)
They poop.
ATLAS
No, it's cool. They build things, they
innovate, they evolve, they... Dave
Matthews Band?
PLUTO
They poop everywhere!
MARS
This guy's lame. I say we drop the
holding, start the dropping, and play some
football.
All begin to play around auditorium with
planets.
PLUTO
On my planet we call it soccer.
JUPITER
On my planet we call it baseball.
89.
SATURN
Chanukkah. We call it Channuka.
ALL
Oh.
MARS
Then let's go play some Chanukah.
ATLAS
This blows. Stupid people ruining
everything.
God enters.
God (Dutch)
Now hold on a second, Atlas.
ATLAS
God?!
GOD
The one and only... that's a lie. Why so
down, Atlas?
ATLAS
It's just that I can't put this thing
down, it's covered withGOD
Icky people?
ATLAS
Yeah, like over 6 billion of them.
GOD
More like 4 since you dropped them.
ATLAS
Oh, (to planet) sorry!
GOD
Ok, 3.5, you should stop doing things.
ATLAS
But that's just it. Every other person
90.
holding a planet gets to do so many
things, and I have to stay here because of
all these people.
GOD
Now hold on, do you think they're actually
having fun out there?
ALL
Hava nagila, soccer nagila, soccer nagila
it's football.
GOD
Ok, ignore that. Think of it this way,
they have such dumb names. You're Atlas,
holder of the world. Look at their names:
Scrape, Moist, Belgium, Dunktank, Steve?
Awful. Just horrible words.
ATLAS
Didn't you name them?
GOD
Let's not point fingers.
VENUS
On my planet, Dunktank means God of Sex.
GOD
Hell yeah it does, Dunktank. (to Atlas)
Sorry. It's just... dude's the shit.
VENUS
Hell yeah I am!
GOD
You got my back, Dunktank. You're my
favorite. (to Atlas) I like Steve... and
you. Okay, listen, if that doesn't
convince you then consider this. That red
spot that Steve keeps taking hits off of?
That's totally an STD. And Moist over
there, holding a veggie burrito.
ATLAS
Oh that's gross.
91.
GOD
Yeah. The point is this: those guys can
put down their planets but you have
something they don't.
ATLAS
Nickelback?
GOD
No, they all have that.
ATLAS
Oh really? I thought I suffered alone.
GOD
No. What you have is so much better than
Nickelback. Everything you have is so much
better than Nickelback. No, you have
something great... dinosaurs...
ATLAS
What? No, you killed them.
GOD
Oh, again?! I need a burrito!
ATLAS
Wait, the sun was a burrito?
GOD
Yeah.
ATLAS
And you created the sun before you created
Mexican people?
GOD
Yeah.
ATLAS
So Mexicans didn't invent the burrito?
GOD
No, they did. I'm Mexican.
ATLAS
Wait, so you are Quetzlcoatl
GOD
...Yes!
Lights Down.
92.
Meth Rogan
Lights up on an empty stage “Eye of the tiger”
plays in the background. This is a slide show
sketch. Two guys walk out and stage and chest
bump
Deryll 1 (Dutch)
Hello
Deryll 2 (Rolls)
(At same time)
Hi. I thought we agreed to say
hi.
Deryll 1
We did not.
Deryll 2
My Mistake.
Deryll 1
Hello
Deryll 2
(Again at the same time)
Hi-lo
Deryll 1
Does this ever happen to you?
Dryll enters.
Dryll 1
I need a product
Deryll 2
Well you’re shit out of luck.
Deryll 1
No wait. Not this time
Deryll 2
Oh, Right. Well you’re shit in
luck. We have a product
Deryll 1
93.
We sure as hell have a product.
And it does stuff
Deryll 2
All kinds of stuff
Dryll
What kinds of stuff I axe.
1
ask
2
askx
1
What does it do? It turns this!
Slide showing ugly person
1
Into this
*Slide showing attractive person
2
This into this
*Slide showing vegetables
*Slide into V8
1
And this into this
*Slide showing water bottle
*Slide showing wine bottle
2
Are we selling Jesus?
1
No, but he’d buy it
*Slide with Jesus at the grocery store
94.
1
Every time you buy our product,
an angel gets its wings
*Slide showing a Victoria secrets model eating
chicken wings
*Slide throws Vladimir Guererro at KFC Drive
through
2
Let’s take a look at this graph
*Slide shows a funny graph. Lol.
1
Hot damn!
Deryll 1 and Deryll 2 high five
Dryll
Hey can you guys—
2
You betcha
Dryll
Awesome! Mom they said they’d do it
Dryll exits
1
You might be asking
this product?”
yourself,
2
And we might say “shut up”
1
Deryll, No!
2
I’m sorry. I’m just so wound up.
But we’ll get to that later.
Let’s take another look at that
graph!
“what
is
95.
*Slide shows same graph as before
1
Yep. Still there.
2
But it is medically proven!
1
Four out of five doctors agree
that I’ll kill them if they
don’t endorse this product
2
My man can commit. Here’s Godzilla
*Slide showing Godzilla
1
Woah. Shit got real.
2
You may be asking yourself. IS
our product safe?
1
I don’t know, let’s ask an expert
Dryll enters dressed as ump
Dryll
Safe! (on third
says Cacachuates)
entrance,
he
Dryll exits
1 and 2 (pointing at ump)
Yeahhhh
1
Cause you can’t
without literacy
spell
product
*Slide showing Product – Literacy = F4
2
All aboard
destination
the
product
train,
96.
1 and 2 like a train like
You Youuuuuuu
1
This product will make you happy
if you’re into that.
2
Energized if you’re into that
1
Or knit if you’re into that
2
But we know you’re not
*slide showing grandmother knitting and words
say I hate my everything
2
I can speak Spanish
1
Prove it
2
Habló Español
1
MEGA! Have you ever
product in Spanish
sold
a
Begin from “You may be asking yourself is this
product safe?” to “prove it!” in Spanish
2
I speak English.
backwards.
Also,
I
speak
Spanish
1
Well then, vamanos.
Begin from “You may be asking yourself is
this product safe?” to “prove it!” In
Spanish, but backwards and faster.
97.
2
That’s why they call me “Mr Yes!”
1
Charlie’s Angels!
2
Buffalo Style!
1 and 2 do Charlie’s Angels pose
Detective Smokey the Bear Enters
Detective Smokey the Bear
Are you guys selling meth?
1
By the bucketful.
Dryll enters with a bucket
Lights Down audience is like I bet that guy got
tired of writing Deryll over and over. Also
Rolls spelled “Angel” as “Angle” two times.
98.
I Blame Fox… Ending
[LIGHTS UP on a Bear a pundit a surgeon a CIA
agent God, man with 1000 masks a depression era
businessman and a hogon captain.]
BEAR
Alright guys, everyone partnered up?
[Bear + God, Surgeon + James, Pundit + CIA,
Mask + FDR. = awesome]
BEAR
Great, well since by now you all must know
each other pretty well we’re going to do a
bear howard school of bear trust original
activity we like to call a “trust fall.”
Who’s first?
PUNDIT
(Yelling) ARE YOU READY?
CIA
(Yelling) Yeah! I’m Ready!!!!
PUNDIT
Why are you yelling at me?!?!?!
CIA
What?!?!!
PUNDIT
Why are you yelling at me?!?!?!
CIA
What?!?!!
PUNDIT
You’re yelling at me!!!!
99.
CIA
You started it! Do you not trust me?!?!
PUNDIT
This is just how I talk I don’t trust that
masked guy!
CIA
Oh yeah, me either! But you trust me?
PUNDIT
Yeah! Falling!
RAY (aka mask man)
(not yelling) Why don’t you trust me?
CIA
Why are you yelling at him?
JAMES
Yeah well it’s my turn right now. Trust
falls ho-gong style (gets in ho-gong
position, like that’s a thing).
SURGEON
Wait, you think you’re more qualified to
fall?
JAMES
As captain of the hong kong Himalayans I
resent that. Besides if worse comes to
worst you can operate on me.
SURGEON
I’m on vacation! Besides my grandfather
invented falling grandpap Ahhhh!!!!!
JAMES
Well, I’m definitely not qualified to
catch you. Did you see my 94’ game against
the Nantucket necties? We were a man down
and I had to fill in as a backup trustkeeper. We lost that game. You can read
about it in my autobiography “A million
little pieces of ho-gong.
FDR guy
100.
Ah, yeah I read that. Real scary didn’t
trust him at all.
MASK GUY
Wanna know whats scary? Try snorting color
changing blue raspberry gushers goo
through the nose slits of a scream mask in
the back of an a and w drive up without a
spotter
SURGEON
I’m not gonna try that
MASK GUY
(rips off first mask and has phantom of
opera mask on) to the trust fall! (stands
ready to catch a fall-er)
FDR
Ohhhh oh, no way! I regret everything! My
mom told me never to trust guys in more
than 2 scary masks and no face and my dad
never told me anything. I pass.
BEAR
Guys, ok let me just show you what it
means to trust… God, ready?
GOD
Aw! How didi get stuck with the trust
bear!?
BEAR
We partnered up at the beginning.
GOD
Listen I don’t know what I did or what I
drank or who I build I’m not trusting my
life in your paws.
BEAR
You’re omnipotent!
GOD
Yeah but you’re a bear. I’ll catch you.
BEAR
101.
No way you’re drunk.
GOD
You can trust me. Haven’t you ever read a
penny?
BEAR
Ok, why don’t just do a different
activity. Human knot?
[Make a circle then break it then bow.]
BEAR
We did it.
[LIGHTS DOWN.]
BUTCH DUTCHMOM AND THE SUNDANCE KIDS
LIGHTS UP on 3 kids playing pogs.
TIMMY
Yeah, my buzz-saw slammer just got
seven of your pogs.
CHRIS
You cheated, that slammer's
weighted.
TIMMY
It is not, I'm not a cheater,
you're a cheater.
BRENDA
Hey guys, calm down, let's just
play some more pogs.
CHRIS
My dad could beat up your dad.
They get silent.
BRENDA
Come on, Chris, that was
unnecessary.
TIMMY
102.
That's baloney, Chris. My dad
could totally kick your dad's butt.
CHRIS
Can not.
TIMMY
Can too.
TIMMY AND CHRIS
Dad! Come here!
2 dads enter drinking beer.
BUTCH
Hey kids, what's going on?
CHUCK (ROLLS)
Mr. Stevenson and I were just
having a beer and watching the
game.
CHRIS
Dad, Timmy said his dad can beat
you up.
CHUCK
I'm sorry?
TIMMY
Yeah, and Chris thinks Mr. Parker
can kick your butt.
BUTCH
(to Chuck)
Ha. These kids are pretty funny,
huh Chuck? Let's go back to the
game.
CHUCK
Whatsamatter, Stevenson? Scared?
BUTCH
What? No, I –
CHUCK
Don't want to lose a fight in front
103.
of your stupid kid?
BUTCH
Hey, woah, now you can't call my
kid stupid, Parker - he's on the
Honor Roll.
CHUCK
We always said you were the
wimpiest.
BUTCH
Who's we?
CHUCK
Come on, Stevenson, come on!
BUTCH
You know what? Fine! Let's do
this!
Butch and Chuck put beers down and take off
sweaters.
Fightin' music comes on. They circle and get in
a hold.
Chuck begins to go down.
CHUCK
No! No! I'm sorry, son. I …
failed … you.
CHRIS
Noo!
TIMMY
Yeah, I told you! Way to go, Dad.
BUTCH
Well, that's enough of that. I'm
going to go watch the rest of the
game.
BRENDA
My mom could beat up both your
dads.
104.
CHRIS AND TIMMY
What?
BUTCH
I'm sorry, what was that little
girl?
Dutch mom enters in wig and bikini top holding
huge jar of
protein powder. Gross, right?
DUTCH MOM (DUTCH)
She said, I can take both of you
on.
CHRIS
Brenda, that's your mom?
DUTCH MOM (DUTCH)
Ever since my baby girl's daddy ran
off six years ago, I've been
determined to fill that daddy-less
void. That's why everyday I lift
weights, do steroids, take 3
testosterones, cook 3 meals, do the
laundry and constantly eat this
protein powder. (eats some) Who's
first?
BUTCH
I refuse to fight a woman.
CHUCK
(gets up) Let's do this (DM beats
down) I'm so sorry, son.
DUTCH MOM
Come on, sweater man.
BUTCH
I really don't want to do this - I
have nothing to prove.
TIMMY
Come on Dad, you gotta beat that
Mom.
105.
DUTCH MOM
Come on Dad. Dy.
BUTCH
Only my son calls me Daddy.
Music plays. Same hold. Dutch Mom head butts
him down.
BRENDA
Yay Mom, you did it!
DUTCH MOM
Come, kids. We're going home.
CHRIS
But we have moms.
DUTCH MOM
I said we're going home.
CHRIS
Yes, Mom.
TIMMY
Yes, Dad.
LIGHTS DOWN.