A CTIVE L ISTENING
ATTENDING

What does it mean to attend to someone’s
communication?

Orienting oneself physically to the person

The person has your undivided attention

Eye contact, nods, encouraging verbalizations,
mirroring body posture, leaning forward

80% communication happens non verbally

Kevin J. Drab, M.Ed., M.A., LPC, CAC Diplomate
L ISTENING

Capturing and understanding both the verbal and non
verbal information communicated by the student

Watch the following video.

What emotions and concerns if the student
displaying

Listen to the student’s voice, tone, look at posturer

What is the advisor doing in order to “listen” to the
student and assure the student that they are
listening?

Kevin J. Drab, M.Ed., M.A., LPC, CAC Diplomate
T WO PRIMARY SOURCES OF
INFORMATION

Content


What is specifically said, listen for words,
expressions and patterns the person is using
Process

None verbal's, themes, body language,
interactions

What did you see in our video?

National Aging I & R Support Center, Washington, DC
A CTIVE L ISTENING S KILLS

Restating: paraphrasing “let me see if I am understanding . . .”

Summarizing: Bring together pieces of the problem to check for understanding

Minimal Encouragers; Brief prompts to keep the conversation going “Umm”, “Wow”
“And?”

Reflection: Reflect the students feelings “It sounds as if you are really sad, confused,
happy”

Validation: Listen openly with empathy. “ I appreciate your willingness to share with me
this information, it must be hard.”

“I messages” Focus on the problem not the person.

Show warmth and support-smile when appropriate, avoid being cold or abrupt

Admit it when you are lost: Clarify anything you don’t understand and that you are going
to find out where they can find answers.

National Aging I & R Support Center, Washington, DC
C ARLA

Carla is a 26 year old freshmen. Due to family circumstances
she had to leave high school prior to graduation and work. She
has now earned her GED, while working in the family business
and has now entered college. Her dream is to teach business
and help students graduate and earn a better living than she
has. She did well for her first two semesters but then failed
several of her classes for her third term. She is very afraid she
will lose her scholarship. Carla’s father became very ill and was
unable to work, she began to take her father’s place in his
business often working upwards of 80 hours per week while in
school. The family business was saved by her sacrifice, but her
father is still not well. Carla wants her degree more than
anything but has a strong desire to assist her family. Her three
younger brothers also work in the family business and all are
depending on her and the business for support for themselves
and their own families.
D ENIS

Denis is a genius on the field. He is an excellent ball
player. He has also performed well in class. He is a year
away from graduation. However, Denis has not been
picked up by any major or minor teams and realizes he
will have to work in his academic major. Denis has lived,
slept and eaten playing ball. His last two semesters have
suffered as he tried out for different professional teams.
He travels a lot and often missed classes and homework
assignments. He reports that this was all wasted time.
He now finds himself permanently benched and on
academic probation. Denis also confides that he has
struggled with math on and off and has three classes left
to take that are math heavy. He is afraid of the classes
and wonders what his future has for him. Denis says his
family was counting on him to be successful and now he
feels he is a failure in everything.
B EVERLY

Beverly is a sophomore majoring in English writing. Her desire
is be another JK Rowling. She spends a lot of time reading and
creating stories. She tells you that she has already written five
novels and is waiting for the “right time” to share them with a
publisher. Unfortunatly, she has struggled since coming to
college to keep up with her assigned homework. She admits
that she finds her classes boring, that she has to write academic
rather than fun and interesting stories. She works about 30
hours a week, in a variety of jobs. She says she needs money to
fund herself through school. She also enjoys a social life around
the grocery store she works at. She has also accepted a campus
job, assisting student play directors in the Theater Department.
She said it pays well and the 15 plus hours she will work will add
to her social life and be great experience for the novels she is
writing. Beverly also provides around 10 hours per week to a
couple of agencies who support battered and neglected
children. Currently, she has failed three out of five semesters
and is facing academic suspension.
C ONCRETENESS
Why is this skill important
W HAT
IS
C ONCRETENESS
 Asking for clarification
 Be more specific
 Invitation to be less vague
T WO B ASIC WAYS


1. Ask for clarification and repeat the generality

Help me understand what you mean by . . .

What do you mean when you say . . .

What does he or she do that . . .
Repeat the generality as a question

You are struggling with things?

You have a lot going on?
E XAMPLES

I have got so much stuff going on that I am
finding it hard to carve out time to study

Your response:

Seriously, my professor bugs me to death

Your response:

My roommate is driving me crazy he/she is
always in my face

Your response:
E XAMPLES

Yeh, my classes are going ok I guess

Your response:

Everything is going fine in my Econ class

Your response:

My family are having some issues right now so I have to
help them sometimes

Your response:

I did alright on my midterms

Your response:
C ONFRONTATION : W HAT
COMES TO MIND ?
Julie E. Preece, Ph.D.
From: Counseling Skills Workbook for Educational Psychology By Richard Heaps, 2010
W HAT
IT REALLY IS .
..
C ONFRONTATION

When people are emotionally involved in their problems they are often
unaware of the inconsistences in their behaviors, feelings, or reasoning. Peer
Coaches bring inconsistences to their client’s attention in a caring and
nonthreatening way.

The process of listening for and pointing out inconsistences is called
confrontation-should be used cautiously, if at all, in the early stages of a
relationship

Listening is the first essential component of confrontation

Second step is pointing out the discrepancies in a manner which leaves the
client non-defensive
C ONFRONTATION -C HECK OUT

Words vs. Behavior: What the student says and what
he/she does

Goals vs. Behavior: Discrepancies between the students
expressed goals and current attitudes, motivation and
behavior

Student’s Perception vs. Peer Coaches Perception:
Statements which contradict your perceptions. For
example you may see the student as articulate and bright
but he/she may see self as tong tied and stupid

Student’s Perception vs. Reality: Misperceptions i.e. “I
do nothing but study-that’s all I do,” when handing you a
time sheet showing he/she studied 7 hours last week
C ONFRONTATION

The format for the confrontation response
contains the contradiction in the form of a
dichotomy:

“On the one hand first half of the contradiction,
but on the other hand, you second half of the
contradiction.”

Do NOT continue talking after you have made a
confrontative response.
E MPATHY: I
FEEL YOUR PAIN
Julie E. Preece, Ph.D.
From: Counseling Skills Workbook for Educational Psychology By
Richard Heaps, 2010
E MPATHY

What is empathy?

Why would a Peer Coach need to practice empathy?

How does active listening

Paraphrasing

Minimal Encouragers figure into an empathetic
response?
E MPATHY: W HY E MPATHY ?

An empathetic Peer Coach is sensitive to a student’s
feelings and communicates this to the student.
Students feel accepted and understood (we hope).

An empathetic peer coach notices the student's
nonverbal behavior such as posture and facial
expression because they are clues to how the student
is really feeling.
M INIMAL E NCOURAGERS

Use brief positive prompts to keep the conversation
going and show you are listening. For example “ummhumm, Oh Ok, Then? And”
E MPATHY

AND
PARAPHRASING
An empathetic Peer Coach paraphrases the student’s
thoughts and feelings out loud so the student will feel
understood and accepted. The peer coach watches
for the emotions behind the student’s words and
conveys this understanding to the student
PARAPHRASING /R ESTATING

To demonstrate that you are listening repeat every so
often what you think the student said- No Parrots!
Paraphrasing what you heard in your own words. For
example “let’s see if I’m clear about this. . .”
E MPATHY AND
R EFLECTIVE L ISTENING

Instead of just repeating, reflecting the speaker’s words
in terms of feelings-This seems really important to you,
or “this seems super hard for you.”

Reflecting Questioning: allows the other person to
correct and clarify any misunderstandings you have of
the message

If you echo back what the student has told you he/she
then has a chance to agree/disagree with you or point
out information you have missed or understood.

For example” You say you are failing a class?”

Or “You mentioned things were going really well for
you?”
PARAPHRASING /R ESTATING -E XAMPLES

Example: “I am a real failure. I have been married for eight
months now and I still haven't found a job to support us. I
don’t know what I’m going to do if I don’t find work soon.”

How would you respond?

Not being able to find a job has you feeling pretty upset with
yourself.

You sound frightened because you can’t support your family.

You are discouraged over unemployment.

Marriage has you feeling responsible for somebody else and
this is weighing heavily on you.

It seems to me that you are really worried about your financial
situation.
E XAMPLES

1. “My grades are so bad. But really, if it hadn’t been for two of my teachers, everything would have been alright.
They were too busy to help me. I guess I could study more, but I can’t help it when my friends keep calling me. I
would like to do better, but I guess I’m just stupid.”

Your response

My lab instructor thinks I don’t know anything. I deserve a little respect for all my hard work.

Your response

I have been looking back over the last two months and I can see where I’ve really grown. I have more control over
my life than I used to

Your response

I think I have done really well in my classes, well accept American Heritage-I hate that class I study really hard and
flunk every test. I studied for 12 hours on my last test, went to the reviews and scored 60 %. I hate the class I
should not need to take it. How will it help me as an Engineer?

Your response
R OLE P LAYS

You are a Freshmen Below 1.0 for fall last year. You
lived in Heritage and had a good time with
roommates, friends from home. You really got into
dating, gaming, etc. You did not come into ASO when
invited last year, because you figured everything
would sort itself out. In winter, you still had the same
problems, so you moved out for this fall. Now you are
living with older students, two of which you don’t like.
Your classes feel hard and you are lonely. You have
found yourself going back to your old gaming habits.
You have missed classes this past three weeks.
R OLE P LAYS

You are a student on CAP. You were suspended two years
ago due to problems with depression, made worse by the
fact that your family did not believe you. You lived with a
sister for the past two years and had a fairly decent job.
You thought your depression had lifted. However, since you
returned in fall the increasing demands made on you, you
are still working 20-30 hours a week (you need the money
you don’t qualify for financial aid), plus 14 credit hours,
serving in a demanding Church calling, writing for the Daily
Universe and finally dating someone you really like. You
have started to miss classes, which puts you further behind.
For the past three or four days you have been feeling blue,
and have not been able to get out of bed until after noon.
W HAT D OES
THAT
M EAN ?
I MMEDIACY

Drawing attention to what is happening between the
peer coach and student right there in the room in the
“now”

Why would we do this?
I MMEDIACY

Talking about your professional relationship can
resolve problems between you

Helps students understand their behavior in
other relationships


Maybe a reflection of what is happening in other
relationships
Practice-to help the student feel more
comfortable in talking to others about their
relationship
I MMEDIACY

Use cautiously-requires more self-disclosure,

Use too early can frighten students away

Can help break down resistances for students
who find it difficult to open up to others

Be empathetic
I MMEDIACY

Good strategy/skill when:

Uncomfortable feelings between
you and the student

Problematic pattern

Student could be indirectly
speaking about the relationship
between the both of you

When the student needs to learn
how to talk about relationships
(mostly for counselors)
Uncomfortable feelings between you
and the student

What would you do if you could tell that the
student disliked you?

What would you do if the student was attracted
to you in a romantic way?
P ROBLEMATIC PATTERN

Pattern that is occurring over and
over again

Student resists carrying his/her
share of responsibility in the
relationship

Either thinks the visits are a waste
of time

Have trouble communicating
Indirect Reference to the
Relationship between the both of you

Whenever the student is talking about vague
terms about relationships that have problems

“Nobody understands me/my problems”

“I can’t talk or share with people in authority”

“I don’t trust people”
T HE I MMEDIACY R ESPONSE

Practice it and don’t be afraid.

Observation and invitation to talk about the
relationship

“Sometimes when I talk about my problems, I worry
that people with think less of me.”

“I’ve been coming her visiting with you and Julie for
three months and I’m still failing.”

“If I tell me professor what is really going on he/she
will think I’m a jerk, better tell no one.”

“All my roommates and friends just get on my
nerves.”
M OTIVATION
D EFINITION OF MOTIVATION
1. The Desire to Seek Success
2. The Desire to avoid failure
“ In order to truly know oneself,
man must understand what he is
running from and what he is running
toward…”
H OW DOES MOTIVATION AFFECT
ACADEMIC PERFORMANCE ?
Active
Choice
Effort
Persistence
W HAT
IS A PEER COACHES ’ ROLE IN
HELPING STUDENTS WITH
MOTIVATIONAL ISSUES ?
Give students the
responsibility and
opportunity to “own” their
future and destiny through
decision making.
FACTORS AFFECTING
MOTIVATION

Goal Orientation

Self-Efficacy

Perception/locus of control

The Daily Grind

“Overwhelming-nous”

Procrastination
G OAL O RIENTATION
Goal orientation –
1) Find out what the students “really” want to do

How does BYU fit their overall goals in life?

Purpose
2) Find a variety of options to achieve the same goal
3) Find connections between goals and everyday
activities
S ELF -E FFICACY
A person’s beliefs in their abilities
to achieve a certain goal
Symptoms: Lack of confidence, indecisiveness, noncommitment to a certain major or career
S ELF -E FFICACY –
A PERSON ’ S
BELIEFS IN THEIR ABILITIES TO
ACHIEVE A CERTAIN GOAL
4 ways to develop self-efficacy

1) Create mastery experiences by setting small goals,
persevering through adversity, and “tasting” success.

2) Observe other people’s success and experiences
through social modeling “If she can do it, so can I…”

3) Surround yourself by others who will support you
and offer encouragement.

4) Reduce stress and anxiety and alter negative
emotional states.
L OCUS
OF CONTROL
– H OW
MUCH
CONTROL DO WE HAVE OVER OUR
OWN FUTURE ?
Symptoms: Hopelessness, disconnect, apathy
The generalized belief or perception in the extent in
which behavior influences outcomes

External vs. internal

Stable vs. unstable

Controllable vs. uncontrollable
T HE “ DAILY GRIND ” – AVOIDING
“ OVERWHELMING - NOUS ” AND
PROCRASTINATION
•
Symptoms: being overwhelmed, procrastination
•
“How do you eat an elephant?”
Break things down into manageable steps
•
Accountability - Create a reward system based on
rewarding actions or steps taken toward achieving their
goals.
Discuss consequences for not engaging or
procrastinating in certain actions
W HY


AND
W HEN
When we own or thoughts and feelings:

Openly acknowledge and take personal
responsibility for them.

Models healthy behavior

Increases chances that clients will be open with
them
When people do not own T&F

State feelings as facts or demands-reference to
authority

Resentment or resistance can develop
W HY
AND
W HEN

People who deny T&F:

Blame others –”You are annoying,” “You Make
me angry.”

Defensive people often blame others for their
feelings or behavior

Power struggle “I am right you and wrong”
“I”


STATEMENTS
When we take responsibility for T/F

We send “I messages.”

“I feel,” “I would like”
Beware of negating “I messages by attracting a
“YOU” message at the end. . .

“I want to you to know I feel angry because you
are so stupid.”
W HEN N OT TO O WN T/F

Expressing them might threaten another-fright or
hopelessness to a child

Conversation is strictly on a content level

May ruin an opportunity, such as a job interview
M ATCHING V ERBAL AND
N O N-V ERBAL

Students pay as much attention to the nonverbal
messages as they do the verbal

It is much more difficult to own our feelings
nonverbally

Examples, sorrowful looks, leaning closer, etc.
H OW
IT ’ S
D ONE

“I feel/think/believe __________________”

“I’m frustrated too because I’ve noticed we are going
around in circles today.”

“I’m embarrassed that you think our visit is a waste of
time because I did not prepare they way I should
have.”

“I’m surprised to hear you say that you don’t think we
are getting anywhere. I think we have made some
good progress.”

I agree. I have some ides about what we could do
differently. Would you like to hear them?”
Y OUR T URN

I feel close to people when . . .

I tend to keep distance from people when…

When other people tell me how they are feelings I . . .

I hesitate to express affection when . . .

The things I can discuss easily are . . .

The things that would make me uncomfortable to
discuss are . . .

I am less able to talk openly to people when . . .
G IVE I T A
TRY

1. Student: : “I did what you said and told the professor
I could not complete the assignment on time, and now
thanks to you the professor thinks I am a slacker. He told
me he only wants motivated students in his class!!!”

2. Student: “I am not going to work on this time
management thing so you might as well stop trying to
make me”

3. Student: Will you stop throwing my academic
standing in grades in my face. I don’t care if I could do
better, I hate BYU.”

4. Student: “ It’s your fault that I did not do well on that
test. I tried your stupid ideas and look where it got me-a
big fat D”
R EQUESTING C ONCRETENESS :
Julie E. Preece, Ph.D.
From: Counseling Skills Workbook for Educational Psychology By Richard
Heaps, 2010
C ONCRETENESS

We want students to be more
specific about their problems

Vague problems are difficult to
resolve

I’m upset all the time

I didn’t do well on the test

I don’t get along/like my
roommates
C ONCRETENESS

Why are people vague?

Generality conserves time and energy

Protects them from sensitive/painful issues

May not know what the problem really is
C ONCRETENESS

Empathy helps beginning a relationship

Once trust is establishes counselors can
encourage their clients to be concrete more
often
A SK
FOR
C LARIFICATION !

Ask for clarification and repeat the generality

Repeat the generality as a question

“Would you mind telling me what you mean be
“not getting along with your roommate?”

You don’t get along with your roommate?

You said you don’t get along with your roommate
can you tell me more about that please?