Your Family Picture
“In a world of too much information,
Good Enough Parenting uses movies to
teach parents how to meet core needs, and, at
the same time, how to avoid passing down their
own dysfunctional behaviors. Schema Therapy
has been successful with adults, but I have
always wanted to see someone do something
on preventing schemas, or Lifetraps, in
children, and here it is!”
~ Dr Jeffrey Young
Dept of Psychiatry, Columbia University, USA
Founder, Schema Therapy
Parenting Matters
story of my
son/daughter…(optional)
Subtle and Unintentional
Most mistakes in families are not made
deliberately, but subtly and unintentionally
and complete lack of awareness.
MOVIE MOMENT
Ordinary People
Breakfast scene
Subtle…lack of awareness…
Rudolf Dreikurs
“A misbehaving child is a discouraged
child…In a thousand subtle ways, by tone
of voice and by action, we indicate to the
child that we consider him inept, unskilled
and generally inferior.” (p. 36-37).
Parenting Matters!
Parenting from the Bible
Fathers, do not exasperate your
children; instead, bring them up in the
training and instruction of the Lord.
(Ephesians 6:4)
Ephesians 6:4
The first part is about what not to do,
and the second part is about what to
do.
Fathers,
do not exasperate your children;
instead, bring them up in the training
and instruction of the Lord.
Ephesians 6:4
Fathers, do not provoke your children to
anger, but bring them up in the discipline
and instruction of the Lord. (NASB)
And, ye fathers, provoke not your children
to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture
and admonition of the Lord. (KJV)
Fathers, do not exasperate your children;
instead, bring them up in the training and
instruction of the Lord. (NIV)
This Same Word Is Also Found in
the Passage about Marriage
“…for no one ever hated his own
flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it,
just as Christ also does the church.”
Ephesians 5:29 NASB
ektrephō
The Greek word, translated “bring up”
in Ephesians 6:4, and “nourishes” in
Ephesians 5:29 is ἐκτρέφω or ektrephō
(Strong’s 1625). It means:
1) to nourish up to maturity, to nourish
2) to nurture, bring up
Ephesians 5:29
When we think of the way this
passage is used in Ephesians 5, where
Paul says we take care of and nourish
our own body, we can surmise that
this means we provide our body with
what it needs, not with what it wants.
These needs are not just our spiritual
needs, but our physical and
emotional needs as well.
The Message of Eph 6 is:
» DO NOT Exasperate
» DO Meet their Needs
Intuitive or Counter-Intuitive?
Meeting emotional needs is not as easy and
intuitive as meeting physical needs. For
many parents (maybe most parents?),
meeting the core emotional needs is actually
counter-intuitive…
Ignorance & Lack of Training
The main causes of mistakes in
parenting are ignorance and lack of
training. Good Enough Parenting
(GEP) overcomes the ignorance and
provides the training!
GEP is built on:
a. Biblical principles
b. Schema therapy
c. Credible research
d. Parenting experience
e. Clinical experience of professional
counsellors.
“GOOD ENOUGH PARENTING” MODEL
The Interplay of the Different Factors on the
Outcome of Parenting
Lifetraps / Schemas
When our core needs are not met, we
develop Maladaptive Schemas.
Schemas are deeply entrenched beliefs about
ourselves and the world which we learn
early in life.
They are broad themes made up of memories,
emotions and cognitions.
Core Emotional Needs
Needs required in order to have
healthy growth and not hurt others
or self.
Should not give too much or too little;
important to strike a balance.
As a plant needs water, air,
nutrients and sunlight, children
need these core emotional
needs in order to grow and be
healthy.
Core Emotional Needs
FOUR Maladaptive
Schema Domains
1. Connection &
Acceptance
1. Disconnection &
Rejection
2. Healthy Autonomy &
Performance
2. Impaired Autonomy
& Performance
3. Reasonable Limits
3. Impaired Limits
4. Realistic Expectations 4. Exaggerated
Expectations
Plus one:
Spiritual Values & Community
CONNECTION AND ACCEPTANCE
Definition
The Core Emotional Need for
Connection and Acceptance can be
defined as the state a child lives in
when he feels completely attached to
his parent in a healthy way, that he
belongs, and that he is accepted and
loved unconditionally.
Atmosphere
In order for the CEN for
Connection & Acceptance to be
met, children need to consistently
and at an emotional level hear and
believe the following messages
from and/or about their parents:
They are playful and spend time with me.
They miss me when I am not around.
They care about deep feelings, both mine
and theirs.
They are proud of me even with my flaws.
They think I am special.
They talk to me in a respectful way.
They are truthful and honest with me.
They believe and guide me.
FOUR Maladaptive
Schema Domains
1. Disconnection &
Rejection
Schemas (Lifetraps)
• Mistrust / Abuse
• Defectiveness / Shame
• Emotional Deprivation
• Social Isolation /
Alienation
• Emotional Inhibition
• Failure
Research Reveals
Students who attended Harvard University
1952 and 1954 were asked about the quality
of their relationships with their parents. Thirtyfive years later, their medical records were
collected. 87% who rated mothers and fathers
low in parental caring had been diagnosed
with diseases such as coronary artery
disease, hypertension, duodenal ulcers and
alcoholism in midlife. (cont’d)
Research Reveals (cont’d)
Only 25% of them with positive parental
experiences had diagnosed diseases.
This research took into account of family
history, smoking behavior, the death and /
or divorce of parents and marital history of
the students.
Good Enough Parenting, page 70
Connection and Acceptance
Read Genesis 25:19-34
» What were the strengths and weaknesses
of both Esau and Jacob?
» In Genesis 25:28, how much do you think
that favoritism from the parents by Isaac
and Rebekah on Esau and Jacob
respectively affected the relationship
between the two sons?
» Did Esau feel different-looking (“red”)?
Did he feel accepted by Rebekah, or
perhaps flawed inside? Did he feel like
he “fit in”?
» How did Jacob feel not being able to
match up with his brother’s hunting
skills and adventurous spirit? Did he
feel accepted by Isaac, or perhaps like
there was something wrong with him?
» Speculate about how much the subject
of the blessing to the oldest son, or
birthright, might have been discussed
and talked about among and between
them as they grew up.
» Considering Jacob’s relationship with
Isaac, which of Jacob’s core needs
were probably not met by his dad?
» How may have this affected Jacob as a
teenager growing up and later on as an
adult?
» Considering Esau’s relationship with
Rebekah, which of Esau’s core needs
were probably not met?
» How may have this affected Esau as a
teenager growing up and later on as an
adult?
MOVIE MOMENT
Ordinary People
See the atmosphere of exasperation around
the Christmas Tree and how it could
cause lifetraps from the domain of
Disconnection and Rejection…
» In GEP we will also learn about how to
empathize with our child…
MOVIE MOMENT
The Prize Winner of Defiance, Ohio
Set in the 50s & 60s, this is a true story about
a woman with ten children whose husband
drank away his paycheck…This supermom
supported her family of ten children by
winning prizes for writing slogans. Here we
see her meeting one of her children’s needs
for Connection and Acceptance while
dealing with a difficult milkman!
MOVIE MOMENT
The Prize Winner of Defiance, Ohio
Mother’s one-on-one time with feisty teenage
daughter.
Practicals
» Each child with each parent once a
week
» Dinner 5 times a week (with devos for
younger children)
» Connect with their highs and lows.
Accept their feelings but not necessarily
their behavior. Mothers put kids to bed
and take time (some of them talk at
night)
» Empathize with them…
Practicals
» Empathize with them. Accept their
feelings but not necessarily their
behavior.
HEALTHY AUTONOMY &
PERFORMANCE
Definition
The Core Emotional Need for Healthy
Autonomy and Performance can be
defined as helping our children develop
their own personalities, abilities, and selfconfidence as they grow into separately
functioning adults.
Practicals
Atmosphere
In order for this need to be met
satisfactorily, children need to consistently
and on an emotional level believe the
following messages because of the words
and actions and atmosphere provided by
their parents:
I am my own person with my own identity.
I can do many things by myself.
I am free to chart my own direction with guidance from
trusted advisors.
I am free to have a different opinion than that of my
parents.
I am allowed to go places on my own as long as I
conduct myself responsibly. I think my parents worry
about me when I am sick but not overly so.
My parents are proud of me.
My parents trust me to make wise choices and the trust
grows each year as I prove myself in new situations.
In general, things in life will eventually turn out for the
best.
People who are close to me will not leave me unless
there is an unforeseen tragedy.
FOUR Maladaptive
Schema Domains
2. Impaired
Autonomy &
Performance
Schemas (Lifetraps)
• Vulnerability to Harm or
Illness
• Dependence /
Incompetence
• Enmeshment /
Undeveloped Self
• Abandonment / Instability
• Subjugation
• Negativity / Pessimism
Healthy Autonomy
Read Genesis 27-35. Look in Genesis
27:1-45
» In light of the fact that Rebekah favored
Jacob, what did she focus on as Jacob
was growing up?
» In light of the fact that Isaac favoured
Esau, what did he focus on as Esau
was growing up?
» What could we speculate about Isaac
and Rebekah’s marriage relationship,
given that each of them gravitated to
Esau and Jacob respectively?
» When Isaac saw Rebekah’s obvious
focus on Jacob, what did he do or not
do about it?
» When Rebekah saw Isaac’s focus on Esau, did
she do anything about it?
» How did Esau feel as a teenage boy growing
up in the tents of his family, not being
acquainted about how to take care of himself
around the house, since he was known as a
skillful hunter?
» How did Jacob feel as a teenage boy growing
up about going hunting if he was known as a
quiet person, staying among the tents?
» Did Jacob enjoy being this way?
» Did Rebekah dictate what kind of decisions
Jacob needed to make in his own life? Did
he feel subjugated by her?
» Look at the following passages in Genesis
27:5-13.
» Did Rebekah give Jacob any room for his
own preferences and choices? Look in Gen
27:11-13
» Look again in Gen 27:41-45. How did
Rebekah come across to Jacob? Was there
room for Jacob’s preferences?
» Growing up under such a controlling mother,
how did this affect Jacob?
» Look in Gen 29:14b-28.
» When Jacob was tricked, how did he respond to
Laban being authoritarian and unfair in his
dealing with him?
» Did Jacob resist being unfairly treated by a
strong man like Laban (See Gen 29:28-30)?
» Did Laban sense that Jacob would be
subjugated to his preferences while he was
working with him for the first seven years?
» Did Jacob’s demeanor give Laban confidence to take
advantage of Jacob, knowing he had problems having
his own convictions or healthy autonomy?
» While Jacob was subjugated for years under Laban,
was he ever able to see his mother, Rebekah, again?
See Gen 35:27-28.
» Rebekah reaped what she sowed, the seeds of
enmeshment and subjugation in Jacob.
» See Gen 31:6-7; how many times did Laban take
advantage of Jacob?
» See Gen 31:20-21, 38; Jacob finally had the
conviction to do what he felt was right, rather than
giving into the preferences of others.
» While Jacob was subjugated to Laban,
he also grew in his trust in God, seen in
Gen 31:42.
Research Reveals
INTRINSIC MOTIVATION – DECI
Rigidity and inflexibility with children prevents the
core emotional need of healthy autonomy and
performance from being met, which in turn eats
away at their inner motivation.
MOVIE MOMENT
Finding Nemo
Finding Nemo
Father was
overprotective…why?
He saw his wife eaten…
Practicals
1. Starts with Basic Safety
2. Age Appropriate Choices
3. Communicate Like You Are on the
Same Team
4. Parents Must Keep Their Own Agenda
In Check
REASONABLE LIMITS
Definition
The Core Emotional Need for
Reasonable Limits can be defined
as giving our children a sense of
right and wrong, a sense of
boundaries, the tools they need to
get along in the world, and how to
work well with others.
Atmosphere
In order for the CEN for Reasonable
Limits to be met, children need to
consistently and at an emotional
level hear and believe the following
messages about or from their
parents:
They challenge me in a respectful and loving manner when I
get out of control, such as when I am angry or impulsive.
They guide and encourage me to persevere with a task even
when I feel frustrated.
They challenge and guide me when I use hurtful words.
They expect me to be wise when choosing my closest friends,
and to say “No” to some of my friends when necessary.
They encourage me to consider multiple factors to avoid
making a rash decision.
They say “no” when it is the best for me, in a firm, but not in a
harsh way.
They do not let me have my own way all the time.
They expect me to be responsible and contribute to the wellbeing of our home, such as by doing chores.
FOUR Maladaptive
Schema Domains
3. Impaired Limits
Schemas (Lifetraps)
• Entitlement / Grandiosity
• Insufficient Self-Control /
Self-Discipline
• Approval-Seeking /
Recognition-Seeking
Reasonable Limits among
the Patriarchs
Read Hebrews 12:14-17, Gen 26:34-35,
27:41-45, 28:6-9
» What does the writer in Hebrews say
about Esau?
» What did his parents do that
prevented him from learning how to
be self-controlled?
» Did Esau ever learn to persevere with a task when it
got too difficult?
» How many women did Esau marry by the time he
was forty years old? What does this reveal about his
character?
» How did Esau handle anger and conflict with his
brother?
» Did Isaac pass down good moral values to Esau
through the years?
» Esau was not that disturbed when he did not please
his parents, seen in Gen 26:34-35. How could this
have come about? Could his lack of closeness to his
mother and being outdoors a lot contributed to this
over the years?
Research Reveals
A longitudinal study out of Stanford
University found that “young children who
were able to resist grabbing a fluffy
marshmallow placed in front of them for
15 long minutes in order to get two of
them (afterwards) scored an average of
210 points higher on the SAT (US college
entrance exam).”
Good Enough Parenting, page 212
Research Reveals
Self-discipline, measured at the outset of the
school year, beat IQ in predicting more
variance in each of these outcomes: reportcard grades, standardized achievement-test
scores, admission to a competitive high
school, and attendance.
A persuasive new study that followed 1,000
children from birth to 32 (cont’d)
Research Reveals (cont’d)
found that, “Children who showed early signs
of self-mastery were not only less likely to
have developed addictions or committed a
crime by adulthood, but were also healthier
and wealthier than their more impulsive
peers.”
Good Enough Parenting, page 218
MOVIE MOMENT
Parenthood
While hanging out at their parent’s home,
brother (Adam) and sister (Sarah) discuss
parenting their respective teenage daughters
(Haddie and Amber).
Practicals
» 1. Our Priorities
» 2. Basic Safety in areas such as internet
usage and access
» 3. Awareness of the Vortex
» 4. Help the Engage Cooperation
» 5. Discipline and Consequences
REALISTIC EXPECTATIONS
Definition
The Core Emotional Need for
Realistic Expectations can be
defined as helping your children to
understand what is expected of
them, while giving them the freedom
to be themselves. It involves fine
tuning expectations in order to truly
inspire and motivate your child.
Atmosphere
In order for the CEN for Realistic
Expectations to be met, children
need to consistently and at an
emotional level hear and believe the
following messages from and about
their parents:
They have realistic expectations and they know my
strengths and weaknesses.
They encourage me to do my best, while letting go of
perfectionistic expectations.
They help me to achieve balance between work and play.
Their love for me is not based on the outcome of my
achievements at school.
They value my strengths and aspirations even though
they may be different from theirs and not as recognised
by society.
They give me the benefit of the doubt when something
goes wrong.
They guide me in taking care of myself and endeavour to
ensure that I enjoy life.
They truly forgive me when I mess up.
FOUR Maladaptive
Schema Domains
4. Exaggerated
Expectations
Schemas (Lifetraps)
• Unrelenting Standards /
Hypercriticalness
• Punitiveness
• Self-Sacrifice
Realistic Expectations among
the Patriarchs
Read Gen 29:14b – 30:1-24, Gen 32:1 33:1-20, Gen 35:16-20
» Rachel said, “Give me children, or I’ll
die”, is it wrong to be desperate to have
children?
» What message did she believe about
not having children?
» What happened to her in Gen 30:1? Was this
connected to her earlier statement?
» Compare the first born (Reuben) and the fourth
born (Judah)? Through whose line of
descendants did Jesus and David come from?
» What does this show about how God works?
» Was the first born that much more special?
» Was God able to work through Leah even though
she was not favored by Jacob in the same way
as Rachel?
» For first world nations, exagerated
expectations causes unhealthy amount
of stress in children.
Research Reveals
SLEEP DEPRIVATION
Staying awake for 24 hours in a row is
on par with legal intoxication with
alcohol in impairing performances.
Sleeping six hours per night for two
weeks causes a similar level of
impairment as staying awake for 24
hours. (cont’d)
Research Reveals
SLEEP DEPRIVATION
Singapore leads the way. Singaporean
children (ages 2-6) get an average of two
hours less sleep than their peers in
Switzerland.
Lack of sleep from ages 12-14 is related to
suicidal thoughts by the ages of 15-17
Lack of sleep is related to anxiety disorder.
Unrelenting standards from schools and
parents are related to these threats to our
children’s Basic Safety!
Practicals
» 1. Identify Your Child’s Gift and Talents
» 2. Basic Safety
» 3. Effort versus Results
SPIRITUAL VALUES AND COMMUNITY
Definition
The Plus One Core Emotional Need for Spiritual
Values and Community in a Christian context
can be defined as helping children have a
connection with God The Father, God The Son,
and God The Holy Spirit based on the teachings
of the bible, as well as a connection with likeminded people in the family of God, the body of
Christ, which is His church.
Atmosphere
In order for the plus one CEN for Spiritual
Values & Community to be met, children
need to consistently and at an emotional
level hear and believe the following
messages from and/or about their
parents:
They love God and their relationship with God is
their number one priority.
They base their lives on God’s word and the
principles therein, and they expect my siblings
and me to do the same.
They want me to have a relationship with God
because they love me and want the best for me,
but they want me to do that in my own time and
with my own personal convictions.
They love being a part of the community of the
church.
They make sure that I get to spend lots of time
with my friends from church as well as letting
me go for sleepovers with church friends.
They encourage me to go to Christian camps
and meet Christian kids from other cities and
even other countries.
They encourage me to help the less fortunate,
read my Bible and pray, and share about God
with my friends if I am comfortable doing so.
“Views and Values”
Shaping our children’s belief systems
and values.
It’s not a “one time talk”;
Talking and Walking
Joshua 24:31
31 Israel served the LORD throughout the lifetime of
Joshua and of the elders who outlived him and who
had experienced everything the LORD had done for
Israel.
Judges 2:10
After that whole generation had been gathered to
their fathers, another generation grew up, who knew
neither the Lord nor what he had done for Israel.
The Patriarchs: Passing Down the
Dysfunction
» Abraham
» Isaac
» Jacob/Esau
» Twelve Sons of Jacob
1. Favoritism
» 1st Generation – Abraham Genesis 21:8-11
The child grew and was weaned, and on the day Isaac
was weaned Abraham held a great feast. 9 But Sarah
saw that the son whom Hagar the Egyptian had borne
to Abraham was mocking, 10 and she said to Abraham,
"Get rid of that slave woman and her son, for that slave
woman's son will never share in the inheritance with my
son Isaac." 11 The matter distressed Abraham greatly
because it concerned his son.
» 2nd Generation – Isaac Genesis 25:27-28
27 The boys grew up, and Esau became a skillful
hunter, a man of the open country, while Jacob was
a quiet man, staying among the tents. 28 Isaac, who
had a taste for wild game, loved Esau, but Rebekah
loved Jacob.
» 3rd Generation – Jacob Genesis 37:3-4
3 Now Israel loved Joseph more than any of his other
sons, because he had been born to him in his old
age; and he made a richly ornamented robe for him.
4 When his brothers saw that their father loved him
more than any of them, they hated him and could not
speak a kind word to him.
» 4th Generation – Joseph Genesis 48:17-18
17 When Joseph saw his father placing his right hand on
Ephraim's head he was displeased; so he took hold of his
father's hand to move it from Ephraim's head to
Manasseh's head. 18 Joseph said to him, "No, my father,
this one is the firstborn; put your right hand on his
head.”
2. Handled Conflict
» 1st Generation – Abraham Genesis 21:10-11,14
10 and she said to Abraham, "Get rid of that slave woman
and her son, for that slave woman's son will never share in
the inheritance with my son Isaac.” 11 The matter distressed
Abraham greatly because it concerned his son. 14 Early the
next morning Abraham took some food and a skin of water
and gave them to Hagar. He set them on her shoulders and
then sent her off with the boy. She went on her way and
wandered in the desert of Beersheba.
» 2nd Generation – Isaac Genesis 27:42-43
42 When Rebekah was told what her older son Esau had
said, she sent for her younger son Jacob and said to him,
"Your brother Esau is consoling himself with the thought
of killing you. 43 Now then, my son, do what I say: Flee at
once to my brother Laban in Haran.
» 3rd Generation – Jacob Genesis 37:26-27
26 Judah said to his brothers, "What will we gain if we kill
our brother and cover up his blood? 27 Come, let's sell
him to the Ishmaelites and not lay our hands on him; after
all, he is our brother, our own flesh and blood." His
brothers agreed.
3. Children Living in Hostility
» 1st Generation – Abraham Genesis 25:18b
18 His descendants settled in the area from Havilah to
Shur, near the border of Egypt, as you go toward
Asshur. And they lived in hostility toward all their
brothers.
» 2nd Generation – Isaac Genesis 27:41
41 Esau held a grudge against Jacob because of the
blessing his father had given him. He said to himself,
"The days of mourning for my father are near; then I
will kill my brother Jacob.”
» 3rd Generation – Jacob Genesis 45:4-5
4 Then Joseph said to his brothers, "Come close to
me." When they had done so, he said, "I am your
brother Joseph, the one you sold into Egypt! 5 And
now, do not be distressed and do not be angry with
yourselves for selling me here, because it was to
save lives that God sent me ahead of you.
Practicals
1. Help Your Child in…
» The way they view God
» The way they view themselves
» The way they view right and wrong
» The way they view others
» The way they view conflict in
relationships, forgiveness and
reconciliation
» The way they view repentance.
Practicals
2. The Importance of a Functional
Community
MOVIE MOMENT
The Prize Winner of Defiance, Ohio
Meeting the plus one core need for Spiritual
Values and Community – walking the talk.
Power of Community
Peter Block says, “Community is a place where
we belong… and that it is the opposite of
thinking that wherever I am, I would be better
off somewhere else. Or that I am still forever
wandering, looking for that place where I
belong.”
He also says that among a community’s
citizens, there is a fostering of a sense of
emotional ownership and accountability.
(Community)
Research Reveals
“Teens who had at least one adult from their
religious community make a significant time
investment in their lives also were more likely
to keep being a part of that community in
adulthood. Of that number, more of them said
– by a margin of 46 percent to 28 percent –
that five or more adults from their religious
community had invested time with them
personally and spiritually.”
– Lifeway Research, 2007
Ephesians 4:16
From him the whole body, joined and
held together by every supporting
ligament, grows and builds itself up in
love, as each part does its work.
Power of Community
•
•
•
•
Adolescents are close to Adolescents
Their parents are close to one another
Their parents are close to Youth Workers
Adolescents are close to Youth Workers
The Power of Spiritual
Values and Community
Let’s be a community that together
meets this core emotional need! Let’s
fight for each other’s children!
MOVIE MOMENT
Parenthood
Values and Community: post-car accident
scenes – hospital, home, and community
to the rescue
Exasperation Interactions
» These are what causes the Core
Emotional Needs from being met
adequately.
» Many parents are just no conscious of
their incompetence.
» You will pay the price of your
incompetence and lack of awareness
Do Not Exasperate!
This has been
proven by the work
of many gifted
parent educators
and writers over
the last fifty years.
»
»
»
»
Rudolf Dreikurs
Haim Ginnot
David Elkind
Adele Faber and
Elaine Mazlish
» John Gottman
» Jeffrey Young
David Elkind
“In effect, adolescents pay us back in the
teen years for all the sins, real or
imagined, that we have committed against
them when they were children.”
Exasperation Interactions result in
Frustration of Core Emotional Needs & Trauma
Exasperation Interactions
1. Belittling
2. Perfectionistic and Conditional
3. Controlling
4. Punitive
5. Dependent and Selfish
6. Emotionally Depriving and Inhibiting
7. Overprotective
8. Pessimistic
9. Overly Permissive
Belittling
When parents make fun of their
children, call them names, make
derogatory remarks, disparage their
children's appearance, humiliate them,
through verbal or non-verbal
communication, even unintentionally,
…children feel belittled.
Research Reveals
Study in 2006 by Harvard Medical School
and McLean Hospital highlighted that
demeaning or belittling words contribute
more to children’s dysfunction than harsh
physical punishment!
Good Enough Parenting, page 51
Examples of Belittling Statements
“If you don’t improve your grades, how will
you fit in the family?”
“If you don’t make the cut, I don’t know how
to face the relatives.”
“You have the table manners of a pig.”
Perfectionistic and Conditional
Children will be exasperated by their parents
when they feel they can never measure up to a
perfectionistic ideal. Parents who cause this kind
of frustration care about how they are perceived
by others, how they look in society. They demand
perfection and are only satisfied when things go a
certain way (and children rarely match these
kinds of expectations)…The ones who do, feel
loved only to an extent.
Examples of Perfectionistic and
Conditional Statements
“You think YOU feel bad about your grades… How do
you think it makes ME feel?”
“I have no tolerance when you focus on your feelings.
It makes you look weak.”
“You are too easily satisfied. This is your problem.”
“Do you have any idea how much we have sacrificed
for you? Do you know how we feel when you don’t
score top grades?” (or come in first at the swimming
competition or get the scholarship or whatever.)
Controlling
Parents who exasperate their children in
this way may be driven by the
enmeshment lifetrap or the desire to
control. They do not permit their
children to feel differently from them, but
rather dictate how they should feel and
think.
Examples of Controlling Statements
“I need to teach you to think and feel like
me. Then you’ll learn and grow up.”
“You need to be loyal, so stop thinking
and feeling differently, and do as I say.”
(Pulling out the loyalty card frequently).
“Let me decide which extra curricular
activity you should sign up for. I know
what is best for you, so do what I tell you.”
Emotionally Depriving
and Inhibiting
Parents who fall into this type of
interaction do not like or do not know
how to talk about heart issues. Life is
about getting things done. Alternatively,
parents who fall into this trap often want
their children to learn how to behave
and be calm…
Emotionally Depriving and Inhibiting
They do not like loud noise, including
children crying. Their philosophy is,
“Children are to be seen and not heard”.
They feel uncomfortable with both the
high and low emotions – they do not
encourage children to laugh out loud,
play loud games, or have friends over
often, and…
Emotionally Depriving and Inhibiting
There are other reasons why a parent
may emotionally deprive their children.
Being busy with work or being
depressed in their marriage can
contribute to this.
Examples of Emotionally Depriving
and Inhibiting Statements
“We know best. So just listen and obey.”
“If you are going to talk about your feelings, then just
go to mum.” (father talking to his children).
“Take life as it comes. Life is like that unfortunately.
These things happen.”
“Why are you so excited? Calm down.”
“What did you do wrong first? Admit that before
anything, otherwise let’s not talk about your
feelings.”
MOVIE MOMENT
The Prize Winner of Defiance, Ohio
When parents have met the core emotional
needs of their children, they are not afraid
when it’s time for their kids to leave the
nest…
Repair and Reconnection
» Reconnection comes primarily from how
well our relationship with our
adolescents are repaired.
» Then we can forgive and be genuinely
reconciled.
Repair and Reconnect
Healing and reconciliation come from:
» Gaining Awareness through self-reflection
and taking feedback from others.
» Being Vulnerable and Exiting from the Vortex
» Reconciliation and Forgiveness
Vortex of Conflict
Escalation
Comes from a clash between the Parent’s
Expectations and the Core Emotional
Needs of the child not being met, and
their respective coping styles.
Core Emotional Needs
Parent’s Expectations
1. Connection &
Acceptance
1. Connection
2. Healthy Autonomy &
Performance
2. Growth & Performance
3. Reasonable Limits
3. Responsibility &
Respect
4. Realistic Expectations
Plus one: Spiritual Values
& Community
MOVIE MOMENT
We Bought A Zoo
Exasperation Interaction in the car
MOVIE MOMENT
We Bought a Zoo
Repair and Reconnection
Having Courage – 20 Seconds